Question About Husband. Advice Please.

i think we've all been there.

but i don't think it's because he's getting older.

i think he tells you quite plainly what the answer is, and i wonder if you're just (like me!) a bit too stubborn to see it because it doesn't mesh with what YOU want. i often find myself being stubborn and it's not a quality i enjoy in myself.

it sounds like he resents you for not working, quite honestly.

and you say quite plainly, "I do plan on going back to work". did you involve him in that plan? it sounds like he doesn't feel you did. maybe you felt you did at the time, but i would revisit this with him. sometime when he's not mad or frustrated. maybe you can offer to get a part time job or something from home, to help supplement. it sounds very clear to me that he is struggling with this. good lcuk.

Yes, I did. I will use the past tense, because he's finally changing. Although I waited a little long to force the issue.

You need to be really strong and forceful, insist on counseling, and be willing to leave or kick him out if he won't do it.

Do you have any family in the area that you could take to kids and stay with for a while? Like I said in another response today, you have to be willing to hold husband's feet to the fire when they are acting selfish and mean.

I see a lot of the other responses are focusing on the fact that you don't have a job. I know that men can be stressed by being the primary or sole breadwinner, but you said that "He flies off the handle, thinks he's always right, doesn't have any problems of his own." That's not the same as him just wanting you to get a job.

In my honest opinion if your staying at home with the kids is putting this much stress and strain on your marriage it's time to find a job and make life easier for your family. They need your home to be a peaceful loving environment and it doesn't sound like it is because you want to stay at home instead of working and making money to help out. Millions of moms don't get to stay at home, they have to work or their family goes hungry. So it can be done even if you don't want to do it.

That said. You and hubby need to have a heart to heart.

Sometimes the couple will reach a decision about the mom staying at home but once that happens come to find out the finances are just too tight. It's not a mistake or a fault of anyone, just that it didn't work out where it was feasible. He's telling you in every way possible that you need to help out, that your family needs a second income.

This will not be the status quo thing to say, but it is my honest opinion. This is part of the fall-out of all the women's lib. (not to say there weren't good things that came out of all of it, but, the law of unintended consequences and all that.... ya know?).

Men used to expect to be the sole provider. It was a given. Now, they EXPECT you to contribute financially. If you don't, they see it as you not pulling your weight. I am fortunate enough that my husband has never viewed things that way. I cannot say (like some of the other posters) that "we've all been through that". My husband has never been self-centered like that, nor told me to "get a job". Ever. I worked from the time I was in high school until a month before our first child was born---and he wasn't born until the year of my 30th birthday... so I worked a long time, not a short stint and then marriage. Didn't get married until I was 28.
BUT, we talked about what we wanted for our family before we had kids. And he was the one to suggest that it would be better for our family if I were able to stay home. I was quite miserable at first, to be honest. But by the time our 2nd was a toddler, we had quite the groove going.
He still appreciates that I stay home to manage the household and homework stuff--his schedule is wacky... so it really helps with stability for the kids.
He just never had the mindset that I SHOULD contribute financially. But, most men do, since we women demanded it, more or less.

I'm not saying he is justified in being mean or self-centered. He isn't. Just making an observation that often goes ignored. You have to decide together what you want for your family. Do you want your "own" spending money? There's only one way to do that, unless you and he come to the understanding that "he" doesn't have any money, there is ONLY "yours" (together/shared).
What was the understanding about how you would share the financial burdens of life when you got married? Who changed it and did you agree together? Or was it something that just happened due to an unplanned job loss or something?

It almost sounds like from your post, that you AGREE with him, that you should be working. If so, then go find a job. You'll both be happier. If you don't agree with him, then you two need to communicate your desires and expectations to each other and reach some compromises, because you don't appear to be on the same page.

Married couples fight most often about two things: children and finances. You are exactly correct. He's feeling a lot of pressure to be the "sole supporter" of your family financially while you stay home and "spend his money"- likely his thoughts, not mine.

How old is your youngest child? If he/she will be in school in September, then start pulling your resume together now and see what's out there in your field or skill area. If your youngest is very young, consider finding ways to supplement the household income or find additional ways to "cut back" so that he can see that you are also responsible for the income/spending in the house.

When he's telling you to "get a job", what he's saying is "help me". Think of it that way and see what you can do to help!

If it is a financial strain, you should get a job. I see no reason in the world that one adult should be expected to support another one capable of supporting him or herself. Of course both should support their children but how is it self centered of him that you expect him to work outside the home all day when you don't. Now - I am sure there could be other problems that you are not addressing here in a public forum but I think he may be right here.

Yup - fallout from women's lib that all adults can hope and expect to have fulfilling home and professional lives. Don't really see this as a negative.

When we were having trouble financially and I was not working my DH said that to me all the time. He was resentful that he felt all the financial burden was on him. I was restful that all the childcare burden was on me. Both parties being resentful is a terrible place to be. I started to really crunch numbers to show him that with daycare costs and how much money I would make, I would just break even. Then a great part time job fell into my lap. I took it and we have had to juggle many times to get me to work. He soon realized that me having a job was no picnic either LOL. It's best when you can work alternating shifts to save on childcare.

I did have very strong attachment issues when I thought about leaving my kids and my house to someone else to manage (DH) but now I need to get out of the house for my own sanity. I love going to work (I work less than 10 hours per week but I do work everyday).

so why are you insisting on staying home when your choice is putting such a strain on your marriage?

How many kids do you have?
I stopped working after I had my 3rd child. I have two little ones at home and my husband and I own a company and he is always working.
Before I had my last baby, I was working part time out of the home, and the rest working from home.
Personally, if my husband was overwhelmed with the financial aspect, and I could get a job, I would love to.
Could you get a part time job in the evening? Your husband could watch your child while you work a couple days a week?

You always have to compromise. Dont completely disregard what he says and call him selfish. He sounds stressed to me.

Holiday stress or is this how it is everyday?

Sometimes my husband and I talk about me getting a job but the daycare cost is higher than minimum wage! If you can get a job that would pay higher than minimum wage, even part time I think it may increase your self confidence and add balance that may be out of wack.

Or your husband is too controlling and needs a bit of help finding out why he feels the need to blame you. Something totally odd could be picking at him and setting him off.

Maybe if he talked to someone else, (coworker, friend) it might help.

I work part time, only when my husband is home to watch the kids. I get a little spending money and he gets a little taste of watching the kids alone. Just a thought, it seemed to stop the fight we were having, which is the same one you are describing. You could always take a class or two at community college if you cant find a job during those hours... Anything to give him a taste of how hard it is to deal with the kids alone.

sounds like it's a communications issue that is becoming wider over time. if it is indeed the financial strain (a sadly common problem) then it may work if you sit down with him during a neutral time (NOT during or right after a fight) and just ask him. and really listen to his answers, and make sure he feels heard.
he may just need to hear that you do plan on going back to work. or to be reminded that daycare would probably eat up whatever you'd earn at this point in time. or to realize that if you work at hours counter to his, he's going to need to pick up the child care slack (which is usually a Very Good Thing.)
if it can be worked out now, would you be willing to pick up a few hours here and there? it might go a long way to easing the tension.
if not, a counselor might help you both develop the tools to hear each other better. it might also help you nail down the true cause of your sadness. is it the distance growing between you and your dh, or not having any income of your own? or is it a greater issue of lack of freedom? all are valid and may stem from the same place, but it is good to examine oneself.
what it is NOT is the fault of women's equal rights. what's up with that being thrown up all over the boards lately?
khairete
S.

Being a SAHM and knowing how *important* that it to us we sometimes forget how stressful it can be to our husbands to be the sole provider of the family.
A marriage is all about give and take, it's important to compromise.
If your husband is feeling the stress and strain that comes with carrying the full financial burden there are ways you can ease that stress, and give yourself the power and pleasure of contributing to the family as well. You could watch one or two kids during the day, or, you could look for part time work during the evening or on weekends, whenever your husband is at home.
That would offer some relief without the added cost of childcare.

Does he drink or use drugs? Sounds like he has some co-dependency issues. If he can justify putting the blame on you, then he has a perfect excuse to not advance in life. He can't leave his job for a better one because you won't get a job and he has to be steady to provide the insurance for his family, he can't have toys he wants because he has to support his family.
I am not saying in any way that this is your fault. But just trying to illustrate what he may be thinking.
You should get on the phone tomorrow and find out how much it would cost for you to go to work. Child care, travel expenses, maybe a house keeper, new clothes & shoes, lunches ect. Compare that to how much you would take home each week after you substract the cost of going to work is it really worth going to work?
To me he is being childish and selfish. Counseling may help if he would go.

This is NOT the fallout from "women's lib"!! This is the result of 2 people not communicating what they want and expect. And it's the result of no value being placed on the work done in the home.

Figure out where you can cut some expenses - together. Then decide on an amount of money that is yours to control.

Also determine the number of hours you work every week including nights and weekends and vacations. Place a value on those if you hired someone to do it. Once PARENTS (not mothers) figure out what it really costs for the 2nd parent to go to work (day care, after school programs, more gas & wardrobe expenses, more taxes), they often discover that the 2nd parent is working for between $1.75 and $3.50 an hour.

Also, if he works 40 hours outside and you work 40 hours in the home, then everything else is SPLIT between the 2 parents!! So if you both start your day at 7 AM and he gets home at 6 PM, then you are "done" at 6 PM too! That means that baths and dinner and homework and story time are divided 50-50. Same with weekends.

One of the best things you can do is take a weekend away - with friends, your mother or sisters, a class reunion, anything. It makes him appreciate all you do if he has to take care of his own kids for 48 hours. He'll realize he doesn't know which shoes go with the pink tights or how to do a ponytail, and that lunches are frustrating when the kids don't like what you fixed. He'll figure out that wonderful plans go out the window when a kid gets stomach virus.

It also sounds like he is going through something - worried about aging? Worried about retirement money or college costs? Worried about his job being taken over by a buy-out or younger workers? Have him get a check-up, and tell his doctor beforehand about the issues you see. His doctor may not be able to talk to you (unless your husband has given permission) but he can LISTEN to you.

And you probably could both benefit from some family or couples counseling - it sounds like there is more fighting than communicating, and there's something he's not sharing. Your doctor can refer you to a counselor who accepts your health insurance. Learning to "fight fair" is a big enlightenment.

First off, I can relate somewhat. I do think my husband is getting moodier as he gets older. He is a super hard worker and takes on the weight of the world right now. The more the political climate deteriorates and finances are scary, the more he grumps. I know he just feels so much pressure and worry and takes it out on me. We have talked about it and I let him know that I understand why he is this way, but that it's not ok to lash out at me. It's getting a little better.

It sounds like you had a sense of power and control before when you were working, and aren't sure where to find that sense now. Had you both decided you would be a SAHM or was he not ok with that? If you both agreed this was the right decision for your family, then he needs to support you in that role, and you need to take pride in that role- if you are taking care of the kids and household, and using money and resources wisely, then you are providing a valuable service to the household, that's awesome. If he wasn't ok with you being a SAHM, you may need to re-evaluate. You both need to be on the same page, and find a compromise to get there (part time work, work at home options, show that you staying home is more economical than working until little one is in school, etc.).

I hope you guys can talk. From what you write, I think letting him know you understand the weight of his concerns but that you are not a doormat will get you guys moving in the right direction. But realize that you might be a little defensive because you don't quite connect with your role yet. Good luck!

The fallout from women "lib" is that we now have a choice, we are not stuck fulfilling one cultural role in a family, if it's against our own wishes. The fact that your husband can't properly communicate his opinions and needs at this time is not your fault or the fault of feminism, it's his fault.

You have three issues here. First, you see that he is changing, this is common for middles aged men and women. This means that the family dynamic is changing, and you two need to spend more time together NOT talking about the kids or the money. The bond between you must be strong, otherwise you can't possibly begin to solve the issues you are having. Second, he is belittling you, and this has to stop. Regardless of whatever problems you are facing, it is immature of him to deal with it in this way and you have got to stop allowing him to talk to you like this. He's using your "guilt" about the money to control you. Third, you want your own money. That's good, you have two ways to get it. Pay yourself a certain amount from his checks for all the work you do, and put it in your own account. Or, get a part time job, preferably you will work when he is home, this will show him that all the work in the home you do is not easy, which is what many men think because they have never had to do it.

You really need to tell him to stop blaming you for his own insecurities and find out what is really going on. Maybe he's feeling that his own job is in jeopardy, but doesn't want to tell you that so instead he's taking out his frustrations on you (very immature, but easy to find out if that's the case). Maybe it's just the typical midlife crisis, and he's starting to realize his own mortality. Maybe he's depressed and needs to see a doctor. Maybe he feels (rightly or not) that you do not take care of his emotional or physical needs the way he needs you to. I ask you, do you feel that other than the fighting he's taking care of your needs?

There is a lot going on here. First, you two need to find that bond again, and realize you are in this together and that working against each other is never going to solve anything. Good luck.

If he keeps yelling at you to "get a job" when you fight, I believe that the financial strain is getting to him. If I were you, I would start looking for a job and daycare. If you can earn some money to help alleviate his stress that would probably help quite a bit.

The way he blames you or others for everything and nothing is his fault, is why I always say on here to quit blaming other kids because your kid is hitting/biting or displaying other unwanted behavior (i.e., X child at daycare hits and bites and now my child is doing it. He/she learned this from the other kid, He/she only does it/did it because another kid does it/did it, etc., etc., etc.) I bet his mom never made him accept responsibility for his behavior and this is how adults who never learned to be responsible for their actions turn out. They are always the victim and EVERYTHING is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Call your MIL and thank her.

Hi, Mom:
He is your husband, for better or for worse.

It sounds like you don't know what is troubling your husband.

Sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling and ask
him what he needs to feel better so your marriage can
get back on track.
Good luck.
D.

If you looked up "narcissist" in the dictionary, you would find a picture of my husband. He is extreme, though (we are currently separated and I filed for divorce). Going through therapy, I have learned that you do not deserve to be treated this way! No one does. You shouldn't feel bad about a decision that was made by the both of you (I'm assuming you both agreed you would be a SAH mom). And, no woman deserves to be talked "down" to, disrespected, belittled, blamed, or made to feel bad about "not working".

You shouldn't be made to feel like you have "no money" of your own - what he brings home belongs to the FAMILY. You need to remind him that this was a mutual decision and agree with him that you can't wait to get back to work to take some of the "pressure" off of him financially, BUT you work hard 24/7!

NO ONE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! Unfortunately if you hear something long enough you begin to believe it, please don't let him do that to you. I did! My self-esteem took a dive (and I worked a full-time job, have 3 daughters, and did EVERYTHING around the house). But he still made me feel like all of our problems were my fault. I couldn't do anything right.

Obviously it's bothering you enough to bring it to us . . . maybe you should let him read some of the responses . . . I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, and I'm sure my situation was much more severe but if things don't change, you may want to consider some therapy . . . If you ever need to talk - feel free to email me directly - as they say, "misery loves company" and it's always nice to chat with someone who knows what you're going through! Hang in there, and I will send good thoughts your way -

You getting a job will not stop him from being a jerk. It could make things worse, as you will be doing less around the house and he will need to contribute more to cleaning, childcare, errands etc which could easily cause MORE fights. Can you get him to go to counseling? that would be ideal.
Have you tried asking him why he seems so "on edge" ?
Have you told him nicely that it makes you feel that he is unhappily married and is looking for a divorce?
Tell him if he has any desire to keep together for his children he needs to go to marriage counseling with you.
DO NOT continue to be the door mat who takes getting yelled at all the time, that's a horrible thing to subject your children to, but do treat him nicely and do not engage in yelling matches, start the conversation when he is calm, not in the moment when he is flying off the handle.