Problems with My Niece and My Daughter

No, this is not just how kid relationships are, but this is how many kids behave because they are allowed to. Because your sister is using diversion instead of consequences, there really is no stopping your niece. She is totally allowed to be a brat by not having consequences for the behavior. If you can't get through to your sister that her daughter is causing you this much grief and convince her to step up the discipline, than your only choice is to avoid them or just suck it up and accept it. But there are little things you can do.
It's no fun for you or your daughter, and being around bratty kids is never a good thing for kids who arent' allowed to act that way. It's confusing and they end up the brunt of things. However, since it can't be avoided, it can be a learning opportunity if you decide to be around them. You can set an example and practice giving your daughter boundaries against brats.
I couldn't believe some of the bratty things my daughter started when she got into daycare. When I saw some parents "not in action" at some gatherings-birthday parties etc- I totally understood how the kids got that way. I just rolled with it and kept enforcing her discipline and explaining that she needs to be good if other kids aren't AND that she should tell them when they're being brats and feel free to stop playing with them.
We were at the park and this 5 year old was fully bossing my daughter around who was 3 at the time-calling her scared, forcing her to pay, yelling at her, telling her she was a slow runner. Her mom was right beside me on the bench and didn't say anything! My daughter was starting to look sad and was trying to keep up with the brat and following orders. I called my daughter over and said, "Sweetie, if you aren't having fun because that girl is being bossy and not being nice, you just say 'No thanks, I don't want to play' and go do whatever you want." The I smiled all light heartedly at them mom like, "Kids-what can you do?" My daughter was so relieved and said no thanks and ran away. It's good practice for fending off bullies later (and there will be plenty with these friggin' parents.)
At my friends house, where her son is always setting a bad example and being a terror, my daughter will start to act up too, but I'm always right on her about it enforcing consequences. She'll say, "But mom, he did it" etc but I'll say, "it only matters what you do. You know the rules." My friend usually tightens up on him when she sees my daughter is getting in trouble. If he's mean to her, I tell her to stop playing with him and do something else. I tell her to tell him to stop the behavior as well. It's a way to make my daughter do what his mom should do and what I cant' do. It may not be "fair" to my daughter, but life is unfair and it's great practice for her. My friend feels awkward but whatever. My daughter is very confident and stands up to kids older than her at the park now, and she even stuck up for another girl who was getting bossed around.

At home if my daughter and son are not sharing well, I'll say if they don't stop whining or fighting immediately the toy is getting taken away and they are both getting a consequence. They stop fighting immediately at ages 20 months and 3 1/2. I don't care what happened or who started it, they're already learning to resolve their own conflicts since I don't help out the tattler or put up with the bad behavior.
If your niece is being mean and saying mean things to your daughter, you could ask her if she thinks your daughter is having fun when she acts like that. If she says no, you can say, "you're right, my daughter and I are going to go play somewhere else." If she says something random and bratty, you can say, "Ok, daughter, lets go do something else." Either way you've proved your point without scolding the niece or confronting your sister.
You can prepare your daughter before hand like, "Now remember, if your cousin says anything mean, tell her you don't like it. You don't have to play with her" etc.

Try not to dislike your niece. this is 100% normal and 100% her parents fault. Many many kids are like this for the very same reason. She would not be doing those things if she got consequences for them.
Also, in those "moments of conflict" with my kids-I'll give them the calm information that they'll both lose the toy and get a consequence if I have to help them figure out the situation, and then I ask if they need my help. Of course my daughter says they'll handle it. In a minute when I hear they've moved on properly, I run in and say, "WOW, you guys are fun and AWESOME!!! CAN I PLAY??" and we all play for a while as a reward for the proper behavior. You can't give a consequence for the negative to your niece, other than to leave her alone, but you can reward her when she's good like that-so be sure to do that too!

4 moms found this helpful

H., my advice would be to have a one on one conversation with your sister and be totally honest with her about how you feel. First, you need to understand that your niece is going through a developmental stage that makes her want to leave all things from her babyhood behind. BUT, while she goes through this stage she also needs to learn empathy and compassion. This is not learned overnight. It is not something kids are born with, rather, they need to witness it, practice it, and learn it everyday in every way. Do some reading on developmental stages of 5 year olds before you speak with your sister, so you have an understanding of what you want to accomplish in the conversation. Your sister needs to say more than "Talk nice" which is a meanless and useless phrase to a child. A more useful phrase would go like this: "Anna, when you tell Rosie that you don't like her scribbles, it hurts her feelings and makes her feel sad. You scribbled, too, when you were her age. Can you show Rosie how to make a rainbow? Then you could both feel happy". or, on Halloween, ask your sister to have the same type of conversation with her daughter before you go over. Do it with your own brand of empathy for your niece and the difficult stage she is crossing over into: leaving the security of babyhood and into the age of independence. Teaching our children to be kind and empathetic takes time and patience on our behalf. Using dolls as a model can help, where her mom can make up two stories, one where the older doll is mean, and one where the older doll is kind about a situation (like a Halloween costume). Your sister can ask her daughter which way of "being" is the best way. When a child is learning through play, they will remember and practice and learn the lesson deeper.

When I worked as a Pre-school teacher, I always used moments of conflict or meaness as a teaching moment. I would stop everything I was doing, sit down right in the middle of the conflict, and give them the tools they needed to resolve. Then, I would be on the alert for the smallest of kindnesses, make sure I smiled or nodded or gave the thumbs up when they did it right. I would say, "wow, Gina, I really loved the way you just shared that book with your friend Max." , or, "John, I just noticed that you really took care of your friend Max just then when he fell down". Kids really want and need our attention. We have to be careful not to give them too much attention when they do negative things. Lavish when they do positive.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted! Everyone can learn from this situation!! Motherhood is the toughest job we have.

B. Murphy
http://www.littlelovees.com

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Hi H.,

What you are witnessing is how the child is being treated by her parent(s).

When your niece acts mean to your daughter. Take her aside and ask her, What are you angry about?

Engage her to talk to you about her feelings.

You can also tell her, I love you and you are such a sweet girl. I get my feelings hurt when I hear you say such mean things.

Something like that. Get her to talk about her feelings. Evidently, her parents try to control her every move.

I have the same experience with two cousins I transport to school every morning and afternoon. The mean one is controlled by his ailing father. He takes his anger out on his cousin. I stop the car and do what I tell you. It is getting better. It is slow but I have seen an improvement.

Good luck. D.

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter is 6 and I think it comes down to this- your neice is trying to leave the things of her young child hood behind and assert herself as an older girl. My daughter started rejecting other children at church her own age, because she thought she was younger. A girl at cheer on the other hand who was her 'best friend' at cheer dropper her like a hot rock when she learned she was younger. Here's what I would do- When she gets there, tell her she's a big girl, maybe have a few big girl things for her to do, then treat it like you appreciate her helping you by entertaining her cousin. You shouldn't tolerate meanness though. If you and your sister are close, find the words to discuss it without blame - "I understnad _____ is getting older, but can we find some things _____ can do with her that would be fun. And maybe it would help if ____understood that ____ is younger and it hurts her feelings when _____ makes fun of the things she loves."

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Hi H.,

I am sorry your daughter is going through this. I had a similar experience with my daughter (almost 2 at the time) and niece (5 at the time) when we visited my family this summer. My niece was being mean and excluding my daughter. Although I know it was because my niece lives with my sister and my parents and she is not used to NOT being the center of attention, it was still frustrating and uncomfortable. I ended up being the one to say something to my niece and although that did not sit well with my mother I felt I could not put up with it any more. In looking back I believe the behavior is also a result of insecurity in wanting to make sure all attention is on them as well as wanting to differentiate themselves from the "babies". I saw similar behavior in a friend's older boy (8 years at the time) who was also trying to exclude my daughter as she was still too young to follow directions and do as he directed the other kids. Although I might understand it, I did not condone it and I will continue to defend my daughter until she can do it herself. I also noticed she was not as bothered as I was something that should be taken into account. If you have a good relationship with your sister be honest with her about your feelings, just be careful how you phrase it, most people (even siblings and relatives) don't take it kindly when they think you are saying "bad parent" to them even if that is not at all what you meant. Good luck!

Your family is your family and kids are kids but that does not give them the right to be mean or hurtful. If you notice it is really bothering your daughter than I would suggest limiting the time they spend together. I think lots of kids go through that stage of "I'm a big kid now" etc, etc. Talk to your sister again and ask her to have some kind of consequence for the misbehavior of her daughter i.e. time out, toy taken etc. Good luck and no matter what anyone says, your just trying to stand up for your daughter and protect her, good for you.

I don't think you're being over sensitive, although children can be mean, and most time kids can roll off the comments, some children are worse than others. I have had my experience with these individuals - family members, and not. I would limit your time with your niece. You see them every week for dinner - I think that is fine. I always did what I thought was best for my child and what would make her happy. It seems the best for your daughter would be to go out on Halloween with you - make it your family time - others can stop over when you get home if they really wnat to see her - this approach worked best for us. Good Luck.

Hi H., I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your daughter are having with your niece. One interesting coming you made is that you think it bothers you more than it bothers your daughter. The two are very different. It also sounds like you are sharing your feelings with your sister and she has been receptive. I am wondering ir your niece's behavior is evident with other children/cousins with whom she relates. It could be an opportunity to look at behavior modification and retraining for her to learn better ways to relate. If it's only in her interaction with you and your daughter, make sure each child is given attention for their strengths and facilitate positive interaction between the two of them. So if your daughter displays hurt feelings, encourage her to tell your niece exactly how she is feeling; model for her; help her to communicate. i.e., "it hurts my feelings when I hear that my card is just scribbles; I made that for you because I love you and want to wish you a happy birthday. And hopefully, your sister can help your niece respond with more empathy, i.e., "your feelings are hurt when I say ... to you. Facilitated communication is a good tool for you and your sister to learn and use with the kids. For more contact Nanny Franny at ____@____.com and check out my seb site, www.franpollen.com. Good luck.
Nanny Franny

Kudos to you for caring about your daughter's feelings. However, you say you care more than she which is a normal protective-mother reaction. While I know as moms we want to control our children's life experience so they have a positive, happy one, this is just the beginning. And, guess what? Sometimes family members are our hardest relationships to navigate. To limit your stress, though, since this is one of your buttons, I would set boundaries before visits such as length of stay; if things get too "heavy", get a sudden "headache" and leave. It is okay to gracefully, without drama and fanfare just leave. Also, your daughter will be getting many lessons from this insensitive niece, who may just need some attention or extra affection herself. She was top princess until your daughter came along and she, too, is just a little girl. On your visits play a game with the girls or just spend time with both of them instead of hanging out with the grown-ups. We don't always know what really goes on behind closed doors and who knows what goes on in your sister's house your niece may be experiencing? As your daughter gets older, you'll explain jealousy, hurt and resentment to her and how people treat us in direct relation to their own insecurities and how that is an opportunity to make us more compassinate, caring people. Until then, love these girls, set some manageable boundaries, and enjoy having family so close, a luxury so many don't have, though sometimes we can only take them in small doses. Your daughter is lucky to have a watchful mom.

H., yes, I agree with the other posted response about speaking to your sister about how your niece treats your daughter. Both of these girls are going to be FAMILY forever, and just like friends, families also need to communicate with each other about what bothers them and what makes them upset. Additionally, the girls are 3 1/2 and 5 for now, they might be different when they're 10 1/2 and 12, who knows...but, until then, you need to find a happy medium between you and your sister and how BOTH your daughters relate to each other. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings by being honest, sometimes, the truth hurts, but hey, at least it's the TRUTH, especially the truth in dealing with family!

If Halloween is a tradition w/ your parents and your sister and the 2 girls, then why break it? I'd suggest that you speak to your sister WAY before Halloween so that the air is clear. It might sound cheesey, but it's true, but I always go by Dr. Phil's saying, "We decide to let people treat us the way that they do", so if you DON'T say anything to your sister NOW, it'll weigh on you very heavily...then, what about Christmas, Easter, birthdays, summer vacations, etc.?

I don't know you or your sister all that well, but all I can say is that we can pick our friends, we can't pick our families. I know that you and your sister must love each other very much, and she needs to have your niece be respectful towards your daughter, even if your daughter is younger. Your niece could also be going through a phase right now and is taking out her feelings about certain things on your daughter, whether your niece realizes the damage that she's doing or not, it's NOT fair to your daughter, nor is it fair to YOU!

Nip this in the bud NOW! If anything, you're being an example to your daughter of how to stand up for yourself, even when dealing w/ family :)

Happy trick or treating, and enjoy your Halloween, hope I was helpful! God bless :)

Recognize that you and your sister seem to have different parenting styles. Also, with children that are close in age, but not exactly the same, they will pick at each other. It seems that your neice is looking for some of the attention that you give your daughter, even if it is negative attention. If you daughter isn't bothered by the actions of your neice, then I woudln't worry about it too much. Your neice knows that you are getting annoyed and is getting attention when you correct her. Same result of garnering attention. As far as your sister, our own child annoys us much less then the rest of the world. If she is attemting to address her childs actions when she feels her child has gone to far- then she is parenting, just by her style. I woudln't not let the children trick ot treat together, that seems to be over reacting a bit. If you are having this isuue you should communicate your frustration with your sister and offer to help back her up when her child isn't listening to her. Offer to support her in her parenting style and get her to understand yours. Even if you don't match up 100% you each know the other expectations and can react accordingly. And in the end, children are children and are learning. At 5 she isn't acting that out of the norm for a child her age.

I think because they see eachother so often as cousins it is almost like sibling rivalry? The older girl just plays the roll of bossy because she gets away with it. From of course your daughter who is too young to defend herself. And then not enough interferance from an adult.

You need to talk to your sister about what is going on and that maybe this Hal-o-ween your daughter would feel happier elsewhere. If she spends less time with the cousin and the mother explains to the older one why she is not around as much ,in time the older girl will probably come around.
Bullys need prey. Also 2 years is huge in developement. There are short windows of closer developement age and then the gaps grow wide again. So this may alawys be recurring
Good luck!

L.

Hi H.. I can't wait to read all of the responses you received because I have this same issue with my neice and my son. It hurts me so bad to just sit by and watch my son be treated badly or unfairly. I also stuggle with wondering if it was normal, do I let him handle it himself, at what point of my butting in is it going to hurt him and his social skills? It's a horrible situation. I wish you all the best!
T. B.

I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to say i have similiar issues with my neice. I cringe whenever we are around her, because I don't want my daughters picking up on the things she says, the things she does, and the things she eats.
She is 6 weeks younger than my older daughter, and she is allowed to eat whatever she wants(junk food all the time and within reach in the cabinet), watches whatever she wants on tv... things that are much too old for her. she's 4! Then I feel like the mean parent for enforcing my rules even when we are around her. it's so frustrating!!!!

I think you need to have a serious talk with your sister. She needs to discipline her daughter and teach her how to respect other kids and their feelings. I think a 5 year old is old enough to understand what it means to hurt someone else's feelings.

Be honest with your sister and tell her how you feel and that you do not enjoy being around them all the time because of the situation between your daughter and hers. Things are only going to get worse if you do not talk about this. It is never fun having these talks with family members, but sometimes it is necessary. I don't think you would want to deprive your daughter of growing up with out her cousin. This could also hurt your relationship with your sister if things are not solved. Good Luck!!

Have you ever really talked to your sister about it? Youshould make sure to let her know how much it bothers you when your neice is mean. She might just be letting it go because she thinks it doesnt really bother you that much. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. That its making you not want to do things with them because youre afraid your daughters feelings will be hurt. You need to talk to your sister before you really start resenting her and your neice.