Problems with My Marriage and Financial Decisions

OK--I gotta say...honestly, these plans and arrangements sound like a house of cards.
I don't care how "well off" a friend is--he lent you ca$h for a house and you "can't pay it back? Years later?
I think you guys seriously need to think about upping the income (whether that means postponing school, extra jobs, etc) and cleaning up some of your debt.
If you can't "make it" with no mortgage, why would you think moving and depending (once again) on others for help is the answer?
I don't mean to be harsh but you all have THREE kids. and you're talking about "plans" 3 years out in the future. What about now? How about making it better for all involved now? Good luck.
And two more important words: Dave Ramsay

**Edited after SWH**
DUH, RJ!
I still say you cannot pin future plans, hopes and dreams on an "IF" and a "when" Maybe if you're single and broke, but you have 3 kids to provide for. What about the school your husband attended (on borrowed money) and now that "isn't cutting it"?

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I stopped reading about two thirds in, so forgive me if I missed something.

First and foremost, this is why you shouldn't borrow money from friends. The damage is done - but stop. Stop borrowing money you cannot pay back, from anyone!

I would highly suggest you look into increasing your income as much as possible. Forget the school for a while - that just means more debt, right? Look for a job. Have your husband get a second job. Work from home. Sell things on ebay. Cut your budget tremendously. Have a million yard sales. Get your husband on board too.

Moving again? Really? It sounds to me like you need to stay put and figure out a permanent solution instead of moving, borrowing, moving again, borrowing some more.

Putting the kids through all this moving and bad financial decisions is horrible.

Best wishes....

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Ya know paragraphs are your friend.

Okay so first the rental situation. You would be offering them a $200 a month discount on the rental or $2,400 a year. On top of that he wants a 50% profit of what is added? Big old shiny nope there!!! First you are giving him a discount or prepaying for his services. Then you are adding an incentive to pad the bill or at best go with the finest things in life since he gets to enjoy them while he lives there plus gets twice the value back when he moves??!!!

Say you spend $10,000 remodeling the kitchen. You sell the house two years later, that improvement will only yield you maybe $5,000 in the selling price then you owe dude $15,000 of the selling price which means you lost $10,000 off the deal and will have no chance of paying back your husbands friend.

Sorry to be the one to tell you this but you sound like really nice people. By really nice people I mean people who are very easy to take advantage of.

Sell the house, pay off your friend, finish school and then buy a home you can actually afford. Perhaps find a financial advisor so you don't get into any more stupid deals.

7 moms found this helpful

I don't want to be harsh but you had your husband's school paid for, your house paid for - and you are in horrible debt?? What have you been doing for the past few years?

I would stay put (you own this home, right?) get a job and start figuring out how to get on solid footing financially before you go back to school. And - to highlight your follow up - school isn't necessarily going to get you a great high paying job. Case and point - look at your hubby - you just said he doesn't make very good money with his degree. Unless you have solid work experience in the field you are choosing to explore you WILL NOT get a good job right out of school. The market is extremely competitive with experienced people vying for jobs along with new graduates. Plus you are talking 3 YEARS from now - how is that going to fix your immediate problems?

I have a BA and an MA - my husband also has a BA and MA - and neither of us are wealthy. We have $80k in student loans (that number should really make you think twice about how getting a degree will get you out of debt!!!) and make a decent amount (6 plus figures) but we're both 10 to 15 YEARS into our careers - when we both graduated we barely made $20k annually - think about that!

Look up Dave Ramsey when you get a minute - he has a wonderful plan to help people get out of debt taking small steps that - OVER TIME - make a big difference.

No one can tell you what to do but I can say with authority that education - while wonderful and extremely valuable - will NOT immediately bring you the money you seem to need.

Sell some things, stay in your rent free place - ask your wealthy friend for an extension (or figure out an amount you can pay and offer as good faith) and get yourself focused - you are coming across as scattered and desperate -not a good state when you have so many important things on your plate.

Good luck.

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Sweety just cause you have a Degree does not gaurantee that you will be better off financially! Whoa if this was the case then you wouldn't be hearing about all these people who are struggling to pay off ther school loan debt at a job that doesn't pay nearly what they thought they would get. Foolish thing number one for you was to take out loans through friends that you can't pay back (if you can't buy it by yourself in the first place "YOU CANT have it!" Foolish thing number two is going to school that you can't pay for up front! Foolish thing number three is getting family involved in your financial issues! And getting friends involved! Even if they are really good!.

Now from what I am reading your "friend" bought the house. So if you can't pay him back...well he gets the house! until your debt to him is paid in full.

Additon to the home is out of the question. School is out of the question. Relying on family is out of the question! You can't do it it is not fair to them. Sry you are in this situation. We all make financial Whoopsies! you just happened to make a really REALLY big one :(

We are a family of five, we own a home (we just bought), only my husband works. We don't live anywhere near family. I am a part of moms groups and we make less then 35K a year! The only debt we have is a car loan (almost done) and the new mortgage! We actually (believe it or not) live pretty comfortably. We made some financial whoopsies about 7 years ago and it took a while to fix but now we are in a happy place and we even went through my hubby loosing his job two years ago and made it through. So keep you head held up high, and work Hard to get out of debt and not cause anymore debt that includes going to school full time. And absolutely NO MORE borrowing money from anyone and you have to make your hubby understand that it is a BIG NO!!!!!! Best of luck it is possible you just have to work hard. I can help you out with budget and stuff if you need. I am very, very good at this now and already help some friends out. But you have to be willing to try hard!

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I would honestly shelve school and focus on work. I know LOTS of people out in this economy who have degrees that they can't find jobs with, and it would suck to get yourself deeper and deeper into debt for a degree that may or may not pay off. I would get a job, any job, a second job if needed, and PAY OFF DEBT. Then focus on school once things are a little better for your family.

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I'm sure I didn't get it all, so I'm responding to this at it comes into my head.

- IF you move and rent out your house in a less than traditional arrangement, GET IT ALL IN WRITING. You might end up in court. And 50% profit sounds nuts. What profit is due to appreciation and what is due to his improvements? Get a second opinion. If this is purely a business deal, then they shouldn't get a discount on the rent. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is even a good idea. You might ruin a lot of relationships here.

- Don't have any more kids. Your life is crazy enough.

- You can pay the guy back $10 a week in a show of good faith. Ditch the cable, netflix, coffee, pizza, gym membership, whatever. Just don't welch. He can take you to court if you don't honor your agreement.

- DO NOT move closer to your family expecting familial support unless you know FOR SURE that they are going to help you. In a structured way. Not just, "yeah, we'll try to help" mushiness.

-Your getting your degree doesn't mean you'll find a job. Don't rely on it so much.

-Why would you make an addition to the home? Do you really think this will bring your a 100% return on your money?

- Don't declare bankruptcy. Man up and save up and pay off your debts. Where are you spending your money?

-Stay put. There are too many variables at this point.

Oy. No wonder you're stressed!!

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To be honest I can't finish reading this post due to it being to hard to follow. I know you were probably just getting it all out so if I missed parts, sorry.

If I were in your shoes: I'd sign the house over to the friend and have him sell it for what he can get out of it to pay him back. Then I would go enroll in school full time and apply for financial aid to support your family and perhaps live on campus. If your hubby has a stable income then he should stay in an area where he can get to and from his job easily.

When I lived on campus in student housing I had such minimal stress it was crazy. My rent was paid in advance for the whole semester out of the financial aid before I got a penny, then I went to the utilities offices and paid my bills in advance. I also paid my phone that way too. So I had no outstanding bill for 6 months.

A person can improve themselves and still be able to survive quite well in the process.

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Just reading your post, all I can think is, how much more complicated do you want to make your life, anyway? I know we all make mistakes as we're growing up, but that doesn't mean you have to compound your problems exponentially! The plans you've described, when I read them, would be like throwing a match in a gas tank. If you think you have problems now creating stress and tension in your marriage, just wait till the explosions start with the mother and the boyfriend or your family and their lack of help/recurrence of past issues. You are looking at a life of misery down this proposed road.

One of the first things you need to do is look at ways to simplify your life. The easiest is to cut out, as others have said, all of the unnecessary expenses. Cut out expensive cell phone plans, cable, eating out, sell expensive cars to get out from under car notes, etc.. Dave Ramsey is a good place to start, but his advice doesn't do any good if you're halfhearted about it. The next thing you need to do is examine your lack of self reliance and how it is impacting your family. If your plans always revolve around the way someone else is going to bail you out of your problems, you are always, always, always going to have problems.

If I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider selling the house to pay the friend back (as in, give him everything from the sale. He paid for it, and he's entitled to any money that comes from the sale unless it exceeds the amount of the school loan plus the cost of the house). The other option is to offer him the home as payment in full as a rental/investment property. That way, you have freed yourself from a burdensome debt while repaying your friend for the great generosity he has shown you. In your shoes, it would weigh heavily on my mind until I had done right by him.

If you did this, you and your family should look at renting an apartment or a home (one affordable with your income and other obligations) and stop adding to your debt burden with school or other costly decisions. Don't wait for some anticipated "better" future time because life ALWAYS happens. People get sick. People lose jobs. Cars break down. It's the nature of things. You are doing nothing right now to shield your family from these inevitable storms. Stop school, and get the best job you can get. Make a budget and a plan to get out of debt. Save money for a rainy day. If you did these things, you'd be feeling so much more at peace. Just ask anyone who has been there.

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Wow.

Here is my two cents. I think you should stay put.

Moving out of state is going to add to your expenses as you would be giving mom a $200 discount that you can't afford. The boyfriend getting 50% profit on the addition ... umm. Who decides what that addition is worth when you sell it years down the road? Plus, you would have to get sign off from the original friend as when you sell the house down the road, you may only clear enough to pay the original friend back. You are already in debt to the one friend. Do NOT make deals with others.

You and your husband need to make a good effort at starting to pay the friend back. I know that going to school and caring for kids is a lot, been there, but you HAVE to honor your original agreement. Whether that means that husband gets a 2nd job on the weekend, or evenings, so be it.

You will not be able to count on family 100% of the time, so a babysitter will be needed. Can you afford that if you move?

Is it possible for you to go to school online? I've heard that American Public University (http://www.apu.apus.edu/index.htm) has good classes and tuition. Have you considered applying for grants to pay for school?
Is it possible for you to watch other kids at your house? Sell AVON?

Your budget: if you don't have one, you need to start one. You both need to see where every penny is going. If you have one, then you need to start triming expenses to the bare bones (i.e. cancel hbo, or cable all together). You need to start setting aside SOMETHING to start paying back the friend.

M.

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DON'T DO IT. Do not rent to family with so many stipulations. You own your home free and clear, either rent it and take care of it yourself or sell it and pay back your friend. It may be time to seriously consider putting off school for a year, cutting bills where ever you can, and either moving somewhere cheaper or getting a part-time job to cover the rest of the bills. Don't count on your family for help, you said it yourself, they aren't reliable. Besides, IMO, it sounds like you have taken enough help and now it is time to help yourselves.

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You could go to LVN school to start with to increase your income. I think it is about 1 year program then bridge over to RN program when you are ready.

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Awww this is a tough situation. Is the friend pressuring you to pay him back? If they are that close maybe he will wait a little longer since I am sure he knows your financial situation. I don't think you should give this boyfriend half of the profits. you are giving him cheaper rent to do the work at his leasure if I understand this correctly. How can you afford to move out of state if your barely making it now? This sounds like a bad idea. What if your credits don't transfer to your new school? I don't think moving is the answer all the time. Talk to your husband and tell him you don't want to leave and talk to his friend and explain the situation and see if you can have an extension or reduces payments. Maybe you could go to school part time and work part time to help with bills? Your school may take longer but what else can you do really? Life happens. Plans change. Think about what moving again will do to your kids. I don't think this should be a marraige wrecker. You guys need to stick together and come out stronger for it. Good luck to you,I wish life was easy breezey.

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If things are really tight right now, I would lease the house to someone else for the full amount, or since its paid off possibly sell it. It's rarely a good idea to do business w/a family member. If you do do it, make sure you do a legal lease w/them and put everything in writing.

Updated

If things are really tight right now, I would lease the house to someone else for the full amount, or since its paid off possibly sell it. It's rarely a good idea to do business w/a family member. If you do do it, make sure you do a legal lease w/them and put everything in writing.

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I really have to say, I agree with Denise P. I'm sorry you're in the financial situation you're in, but it sounds like you're actually going to be creating more problems. It may be time to revisit your "whole vision/plan" and make adjustments, minor and major.

You may not have the money you'd planned to pay the friend back, so pay something little by little. It may be embarrassing or difficult, but you owe the debt so bite the bullet and start making payments.

As far as renting the house to hubby's mom and her boyfriend for $200 less per month, why? Yes, she's family, and yes, he'll supposedly take care of repairs to the home, but to expect to get 50% profit of what he added to the home via repairs? You would do better to hire him as a contractor (if he's currently licensed) to do the work than to give him $200 monthly PLUS profit when you sell. Has he actually done any work for you as of yet? I'd want to see his workmanship, know he honors a contract, (and if you go through with your current plan ABSOLUTELY PUT EVERYTHING IN WRITING and he, you and your husband sign it, date it, and have it notarized at the very least,) etc., before I entrusted my home to him. God forbid he lets things go, profits from the monthly savings and leaves you more in debt. Truly, if you want to see if you can count on family you and your husband stand firm, tell them you rehashed the numbers, you must have the full $1700 per month, otherwise you will be listing the house for rent.

I so totally agree with what your husband advised you about your family you hope will help, to "pretend I don't have them to help and make other plans to get it done." Wise words. Why do you think they will be of help, because you need them to? Your expectations are exactly that, and you may be setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment.

Realistically, maybe you need to cut back to school part-time and work part-time, where you are and when you move out of state. (There's really no guarantee you'll finish in 3 years, either, current high school graduates are finding this out when 4 years of college is turning into 5 or 6. What looks good on paper often falls short in the reality of life, especially with kids. What would happen to your plan then?) You could do something from home to save on childcare costs (which would just add fuel to the fire) such as eBay, Avon, child care, etc., and maybe hubby, whose "work that he went to school for isn't cutting it for our bills now" should pick something up part-time or seek another higher paying full-time position elsewhere.

I so feel for you and your children, but it truly doesn't seem your projected plan is going to be of benefit to you, or improve your marriage. Postponing dealing with your debt hasn't worked as of yet so look into areas you can make cuts in your life to save money right now, (cell phone plans, eating out, groceries, etc.) and look into Dave Ramsey's site for online help with his plan to eliminating debt ~ http://www.daveramsey.com/home/

God bless<3

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You need to see a financial counselor together with your husband. Bring your budget in there with you and get some counseling. You need to go to someone who can not benefit from the financial advice they give you. My recommendation would be to take a class from your church such as Crown Financial which would teach you and your husband God's financial plan for your life. It does not sound to me like you can trust your family or his family - there is no emotional support for you or your children. I am sorry there are no godly grandparents on either side. FYI it is not your role to financially support the family - it is your husband's role. If he can not do it then he should either get a supplemental job (such as teaching one night a week or something) or decrease your expenses. Maybe you are living beyond your means. I know that is hard to do but debt is a burden and it is putting a real burden on your marriage which is way more important than another career or a house. Pray every day that God will give you and your husband guidance.

Keep family out of it. Can you go to school online so you can work and do other things during the day? I don't understand how money is so bad if you have been mortgage free for so long - that is a huge chunk of most people's income. But it sounds like your life is only going to get MORE complicated if you pick any of your options. Go to the friend that gave the loan and find some other arrangement with him if you can't pay him back as specified. Get a loan from a bank or something to pay him back if you must. Stop taking loans from people- you see how they aren't working and the position it is putting you in. you and your hubby need to sit down and figure it out and do it soon - because the stress is getting to be too much. Good luck.

First of all you OWN your home because you paid for it cash. That is one blessing not many of us working and non working people have, so be thankful for that.

Your husband has a job, just not making enough to pay bills. This would seem like you should try ways to eliminate the bills.

You have a loan you have to begin repaying soon, could you put off schooling for a while since that WILL require more money or even another loan to finish. Work with what you have right now and see if you can find a part time job that could cover some of the expenses.

You didn't say what ages your children were, but could you probably coordinate with a mom's group to find babysitting help. If they are in school, then I would say try to find a parttime job. If they are not in school, cut some of your bills.

Calculate all the bills you have and try to find a different way to budget. Sometimes it is not more money we need, it is better budgeting skills. Hope that hleps.

I am so sorry you're going through this. As someone who keeps making the mistake of depending on family for childcare, I just have to tell you--don't do it. Both our families promised us two different times that they would baby-sit our kids while we went back to school or worked full-time, and both times they broke their promises. If you know that your family is not reliable, then don't do it. We moved out-of-state for family to baby-sit, and when they backed out we were stuck where we were. It was awful.

Second, I don't think you should move out of your house. If you are living mortgage-free, then that is a great advantage to you, since a huge chunk of people's incomes typically go to their homes. Do not rent to your mother-in-law and her boyfriend; you have no idea what will happen in the future, you don't know what the additions he makes will look like, you don't know if your house will even sell well in a few years, and you don't even know for sure if your MIL and her boyfriend will even be together then (because anything can happen, you never know). Stay in your house and figure out another way to finish school. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but you could wait until all of them are in school full-time and then go to school full-time yourself. You could become an LVN first, then do RN later. You could get your associate's degree as an RN (which is what I'm planning to do) and it will take you two years to get; then get your BSN later. Try to see if there is anything else you can do where you are now before trying to move anywhere else.

Good luck; I know it's hard. My husband and I are drowning in our student loan debt, and I also am trying to get into nursing school (with two kids) so I know how you feel. :-(

Gamma G has it right on the money..IMO

I just think that it is time to make things work for you guys and leave everyone else out. The sad part of the sound of yor relationship is that you guys seem to have too many outsiders and a sense of obligation...it will weigh heavily and continue to until you start to rely on what you have and build and recover together without adding more people to the issues at hand. Even if it feels like they will help, it if is just a temporary fix in hopes that things will work, it will just add stress, like it is.

Would you consider renting out a room or back house (if have one avail) to a student at discounted rate in exchange for part time childcare? Just a thought.

You have a lot of questions. I'd like to respond to a few. As to the possibility of breaking up your marriage -- I was forced into a divorce, and although I have been happily remarried for more than 30 years, It's not good for children -- even adult children, under most circumstances. Try to stay together as a family.

I glanced at some other replies, and saw the LVN suggestion. I was going to suggest looking into the same thing, although depending where you live, you might have to pay quite a lot. I see you live a few miles from me (Irvine) California, and we are being so short sighted about not wanting to pay taxes, that our community colleges no longer have room, and people are paying huge amounts to go to private "career" college programs. Also, LVN pay is not always great, although it's fairly easy to get a job. However, anything in the health care field probably has a pretty good future, and you can almost always find work.

As far as your house goes, be very careful about people being willing to fix things up in exchange for rent. We did that and were badly burned. The wife of our relative ripped out things without asking, put in impractical carpeting, and then let her dog and cat ruin it, among other horrors. My son has also had bad luck with those exchanges. Somehow, they just never happen, or don't happen correctly.

I can't answer as to the child care. Maybe I'm an unusual grandparent, but we have sheltered 3 adult children, and now have a grandchild and her mother living with us, and we gladly babysit about 3 nights a week, although we actually go to our business daily. You have to judge by your own family. Moving out of state, though, is a big move, if you end up without the support of long-time friends, and then don't get any help from your family. Can you just rent your house to someone for the full price? -- actually rentals are going down in price, so possibly not! Let's face it, once wonderful OC, with low unemployment, is joining the "real world" and getting our of this horrible economic recession is not happening right now. But I do echo others who say, find ways to cut your expenses. If you live rent free, you can cut!

As with most problems these days, it's complex -- a real tangled web. Maybe you can write down the various scenarios with worst case outcomes for each, and talk them over with your husband and some close friends. Does your city offer any family counseling? We have that in Irvine, but I don't know about Tustin. Try to get some resources where you can lay everything out and weigh the options.

Best of luck to you and your family.

First of all, I have personal experience with a family member who is a contractor offering to help out with repairs and additions on the house. Never again! MIL's boyfriend sounds like he's trying to take advantage. Just say no! Trust me, it wont go well.

Can you stay put and invite the MIL to stay with you for a while? That way you can split expenses and all get to a more comfortable place financially. I would hate it like you wouldn't believe, but I would do it to get my family out of a hole. The the MIL would be available to help with children so you could concentrate on school. Just a thought. (Admittedly, the thought makes my bile rise, but I'm brainstorming here.) :-)

Stay the course you are on. If you've been in school two years, that's too much of an investment to throw away. Does your school have a job placement office that can help you find work now or when you graduate?

Do your best, but I do not recommend a move at this stage. Moving expenses and setting up a new home always cost, and you don't want to throw good money after bad.

Good luck to you.

I think that you should offer to sell the house to your MIL and her boyfriend outright. If you were considering moving anyway, then just move instead into a townhouse or other affordable housing. Then pay the best friend off what you owe on the house. That's one less debt to content with. Then make some kind of good faith effort to repay some of the other debt to your husband's friend, whether it be $50 a month or whatever. When you get on your feet, you pay more.
Secondly, if you move out of state now, you will have to pay out of state tuition- a lot more expensive. You usually have to establish one year of permanent residency in order to get instate tuition rates. You didn't say whether it was a 4 year college or not. My advice is to stay in the state you are now living in, go to school part-time at night at a community college to finish up your nursing degree. Work part-time in the meantime to help out with the rent you are about to take on.
Finally. if you don't think you can rely of family, then you probably can't. You'll move there and accumulate more debt from the move .Stay put and focus on getting your head above water.
Hope this helps!