R.H. asks from Tustin, CA on June 01, 2011
Problems with My Marriage and Financial Decisions
It will be 10 years my husband and I will be together this year. The last 2 years haven't been so good. I guess I should back up and explain where this started from. My husband's best friend is pretty well off and gave us a loan for my husband to go to school out of state. We went for almost two years and it was great. Before we moved back his friend gave us another loan to help us buy a house which we purchased. The deal was for us to start paying him in a few years when I finished school. The time is approaching and we are not able to start paying him as we are having financial problems. My husband is the only one working as I stay home with our 3 kids and I go to school full time to become an RN which I believe is a stable and reliable career. His line of work that he went to school for isn't cutting it for our bills now and we have been living mortgage free as we paid our house in cash. So he is counting on ,me to finish school. In order for me to get it done quicker, we are planning on moving out of state to go to a school less impacted and to be closer to my family so they can help with the kids and I will be able to focus on school more. There are two problems though. One I don't know if I can fully count on my family to help out as I have always had a troubled past with them relationship-wise. (my husband said I need to pretend I don't have them to help and make other plans to get it done). Second, my husband wants to rent our home to his mother and her boyfriend whom is a contractor. While we would be renting he will be fixing our house and renting it for$1500 instead of our $1700 offer to them. This would be for the first two years for $1500 and agreeing to fix whatever we needed fixed as our house is a fixer upper. Then the third year (I would only need 3 years to finish school) he would possibly make an addition to our home and bathroom. I am hesitant to do this as his mothers boyfriend wants 50% profit of what he added onto our house when we sell it. I am nervous and stressed out over the whole entire situation as we are in debt over our ears and our whole vision/plan has lead us to this. I don't know what to do anymore as this stress has lead my husband and I to nothing but heartache and pain. I don't want things to tear us apart but this stress is so heavy. Deep down inside I love him and I know he loves me but we are at wits end it seems. I also want to mention my husband and I never have alone time as my family is out of state and his family never watches our kids, so that might be another issue adding to this. I love him and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and family, even if it means biting the bullet and going against my feelings. What I'm saying is I would like another person's opinion outside of this crazy triangle that I am in. I have no outlet or nobody to talk to as my mother chooses to ignore the picture and is the one whom I can't trust fully to help me out. I don't have any other family. Sorry this is so long and believe me it's written in a nutshell.
1 mom found this helpful
E.M. answers from Los Angeles on June 06, 2011
Would you consider renting out a room or back house (if have one avail) to a student at discounted rate in exchange for part time childcare? Just a thought.
J.W. answers from Los Angeles on June 02, 2011
Gamma G has it right on the money..IMO
I just think that it is time to make things work for you guys and leave everyone else out. The sad part of the sound of yor relationship is that you guys seem to have too many outsiders and a sense of obligation...it will weigh heavily and continue to until you start to rely on what you have and build and recover together without adding more people to the issues at hand. Even if it feels like they will help, it if is just a temporary fix in hopes that things will work, it will just add stress, like it is.
D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on June 01, 2011
OK--I gotta say...honestly, these plans and arrangements sound like a house of cards.
I don't care how "well off" a friend is--he lent you ca$h for a house and you "can't pay it back? Years later?
I think you guys seriously need to think about upping the income (whether that means postponing school, extra jobs, etc) and cleaning up some of your debt.
If you can't "make it" with no mortgage, why would you think moving and depending (once again) on others for help is the answer?
I don't mean to be harsh but you all have THREE kids. and you're talking about "plans" 3 years out in the future. What about now? How about making it better for all involved now? Good luck.
And two more important words: Dave Ramsay
**Edited after SWH**
I still say you cannot pin future plans, hopes and dreams on an "IF" and a "when" Maybe if you're single and broke, but you have 3 kids to provide for. What about the school your husband attended (on borrowed money) and now that "isn't cutting it"?
9 moms found this helpful
S.J. answers from St. Louis on June 01, 2011
I stopped reading about two thirds in, so forgive me if I missed something.
First and foremost, this is why you shouldn't borrow money from friends. The damage is done - but stop. Stop borrowing money you cannot pay back, from anyone!
I would highly suggest you look into increasing your income as much as possible. Forget the school for a while - that just means more debt, right? Look for a job. Have your husband get a second job. Work from home. Sell things on ebay. Cut your budget tremendously. Have a million yard sales. Get your husband on board too.
Moving again? Really? It sounds to me like you need to stay put and figure out a permanent solution instead of moving, borrowing, moving again, borrowing some more.
Putting the kids through all this moving and bad financial decisions is horrible.
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J.G. answers from St. Louis on June 01, 2011
Ya know paragraphs are your friend.
Okay so first the rental situation. You would be offering them a $200 a month discount on the rental or $2,400 a year. On top of that he wants a 50% profit of what is added? Big old shiny nope there!!! First you are giving him a discount or prepaying for his services. Then you are adding an incentive to pad the bill or at best go with the finest things in life since he gets to enjoy them while he lives there plus gets twice the value back when he moves??!!!
Say you spend $10,000 remodeling the kitchen. You sell the house two years later, that improvement will only yield you maybe $5,000 in the selling price then you owe dude $15,000 of the selling price which means you lost $10,000 off the deal and will have no chance of paying back your husbands friend.
Sorry to be the one to tell you this but you sound like really nice people. By really nice people I mean people who are very easy to take advantage of.
Sell the house, pay off your friend, finish school and then buy a home you can actually afford. Perhaps find a financial advisor so you don't get into any more stupid deals.
7 moms found this helpful
K.E. answers from Denver on June 01, 2011
I don't want to be harsh but you had your husband's school paid for, your house paid for - and you are in horrible debt?? What have you been doing for the past few years?
I would stay put (you own this home, right?) get a job and start figuring out how to get on solid footing financially before you go back to school. And - to highlight your follow up - school isn't necessarily going to get you a great high paying job. Case and point - look at your hubby - you just said he doesn't make very good money with his degree. Unless you have solid work experience in the field you are choosing to explore you WILL NOT get a good job right out of school. The market is extremely competitive with experienced people vying for jobs along with new graduates. Plus you are talking 3 YEARS from now - how is that going to fix your immediate problems?
I have a BA and an MA - my husband also has a BA and MA - and neither of us are wealthy. We have $80k in student loans (that number should really make you think twice about how getting a degree will get you out of debt!!!) and make a decent amount (6 plus figures) but we're both 10 to 15 YEARS into our careers - when we both graduated we barely made $20k annually - think about that!
Look up Dave Ramsey when you get a minute - he has a wonderful plan to help people get out of debt taking small steps that - OVER TIME - make a big difference.
No one can tell you what to do but I can say with authority that education - while wonderful and extremely valuable - will NOT immediately bring you the money you seem to need.
Sell some things, stay in your rent free place - ask your wealthy friend for an extension (or figure out an amount you can pay and offer as good faith) and get yourself focused - you are coming across as scattered and desperate -not a good state when you have so many important things on your plate.
6 moms found this helpful
S.J. answers from Saginaw on June 01, 2011
Sweety just cause you have a Degree does not gaurantee that you will be better off financially! Whoa if this was the case then you wouldn't be hearing about all these people who are struggling to pay off ther school loan debt at a job that doesn't pay nearly what they thought they would get. Foolish thing number one for you was to take out loans through friends that you can't pay back (if you can't buy it by yourself in the first place "YOU CANT have it!" Foolish thing number two is going to school that you can't pay for up front! Foolish thing number three is getting family involved in your financial issues! And getting friends involved! Even if they are really good!.
Now from what I am reading your "friend" bought the house. So if you can't pay him back...well he gets the house! until your debt to him is paid in full.
Additon to the home is out of the question. School is out of the question. Relying on family is out of the question! You can't do it it is not fair to them. Sry you are in this situation. We all make financial Whoopsies! you just happened to make a really REALLY big one :(
We are a family of five, we own a home (we just bought), only my husband works. We don't live anywhere near family. I am a part of moms groups and we make less then 35K a year! The only debt we have is a car loan (almost done) and the new mortgage! We actually (believe it or not) live pretty comfortably. We made some financial whoopsies about 7 years ago and it took a while to fix but now we are in a happy place and we even went through my hubby loosing his job two years ago and made it through. So keep you head held up high, and work Hard to get out of debt and not cause anymore debt that includes going to school full time. And absolutely NO MORE borrowing money from anyone and you have to make your hubby understand that it is a BIG NO!!!!!! Best of luck it is possible you just have to work hard. I can help you out with budget and stuff if you need. I am very, very good at this now and already help some friends out. But you have to be willing to try hard!
4 moms found this helpful
B.B. answers from San Antonio on June 01, 2011
I would honestly shelve school and focus on work. I know LOTS of people out in this economy who have degrees that they can't find jobs with, and it would suck to get yourself deeper and deeper into debt for a degree that may or may not pay off. I would get a job, any job, a second job if needed, and PAY OFF DEBT. Then focus on school once things are a little better for your family.
3 moms found this helpful
K.H. answers from Minneapolis on June 01, 2011
I'm sure I didn't get it all, so I'm responding to this at it comes into my head.
- IF you move and rent out your house in a less than traditional arrangement, GET IT ALL IN WRITING. You might end up in court. And 50% profit sounds nuts. What profit is due to appreciation and what is due to his improvements? Get a second opinion. If this is purely a business deal, then they shouldn't get a discount on the rent. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is even a good idea. You might ruin a lot of relationships here.
- Don't have any more kids. Your life is crazy enough.
- You can pay the guy back $10 a week in a show of good faith. Ditch the cable, netflix, coffee, pizza, gym membership, whatever. Just don't welch. He can take you to court if you don't honor your agreement.
- DO NOT move closer to your family expecting familial support unless you know FOR SURE that they are going to help you. In a structured way. Not just, "yeah, we'll try to help" mushiness.
-Your getting your degree doesn't mean you'll find a job. Don't rely on it so much.
-Why would you make an addition to the home? Do you really think this will bring your a 100% return on your money?
- Don't declare bankruptcy. Man up and save up and pay off your debts. Where are you spending your money?
-Stay put. There are too many variables at this point.
Oy. No wonder you're stressed!!
3 moms found this helpful
G.B. answers from Oklahoma City on June 01, 2011
To be honest I can't finish reading this post due to it being to hard to follow. I know you were probably just getting it all out so if I missed parts, sorry.
If I were in your shoes: I'd sign the house over to the friend and have him sell it for what he can get out of it to pay him back. Then I would go enroll in school full time and apply for financial aid to support your family and perhaps live on campus. If your hubby has a stable income then he should stay in an area where he can get to and from his job easily.
When I lived on campus in student housing I had such minimal stress it was crazy. My rent was paid in advance for the whole semester out of the financial aid before I got a penny, then I went to the utilities offices and paid my bills in advance. I also paid my phone that way too. So I had no outstanding bill for 6 months.
A person can improve themselves and still be able to survive quite well in the process.
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