Problems with Fiance

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!! You must get the communication issues ironed out before you make this relationship permanent. I would highly recommend you both go through Pathways Core Training, Inc. (www.GoPathways.org) to figure out what you both need and how to talk to each other before you even consider walking down the aisle with him. He will see why he's so quick to react negatively when you talk to him about this stuff and you will see why you allow him to talk to you this way even though you dislike it. You will both be so much happier when you get the communication at a level you both agree on. Your children will thank you and your marriage will become so much better sooner. Please consider going to the website for more information or calling the office. If you want more information from a graduate and a volunteer for the organization, contact me at ____@____.com. Thanks and good luck. I wish you nothing but happiness! B.

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I dont want to sound mean but be sure that this is what you want because when you get married things are not going to change. Men only change if they want to, not if you want them to. You need to tell him how you feel even if he gets defensive. If you cant talk to him now you wont ever be able to. This is why I waited until I was almost 30 before I got married. I would not settle for anyone treating me this way. And I have had men that acted like that. But my husband helps with everything! Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our 6 month old and he is also our provider. I wish you luck. Remember that you and your children are the most important things and you deserve a partner that will help in every way possible. Thats why its a partnership!

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Red lights going on everywhere!! I suggest some pre-marital counseling...please! Marriage doesn't fix issues like this, they kind of cement them if they exist before the marriage.

Please, please, please...if you are unhappy, talk to him!!!! Suggest counseling!!

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I'm assuming he is the father of your children. I think he seems like a selfish brat. The things that cause problems now will only escalate after you marry, so I wouldn't marry him until you resolve your problems. Have you spoken to him about conseling? If he refuses and doesn't change his ways because of his love for you, I would tell him to leave. Don't settle for less than you deserve, it will only hurt you and your children and they deserve 2 happy parents whether they are together or not. Good luck to you and your little ones!!

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I suggest you talk to him or something first but I know that marrying someone doesn't make things better it usually makes it worse, I know this first hand and I would at least try counseling you don't want to quit a relationship without trying everything because then u will always have to wonder if something could have been changed (not by you, by the both of you) because if that doesn't work or make things at least better between you two, DON'T GET MARRIED. I am not trying to be mean or hurt your feelings but for both of you and your children that would be an all around bad situation but anyway, I hope things work out :).

Blessings on your family and your relationship,
K. N.

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Get rid of him. He does not respect or appreciate you.

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RUN! don't walk to the nearest exit!
Maybe not that drasticly, but this realationship is not headed in a good direction. You are getting a preview of what is to come once you do finally take that walk down the isle. He will NOT change for the better. You WILL grow resentful and frustrated. The children WILL sense that Mommy and Daddy are not happy and it WILL effect their ideas of what a "healthy" relationship is supposed to be as they grow up.

My advice: 1)seek couple counseling -or- 2)end the relationship and move on

You and your children deserve to be HAPPY

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Doesn't sound much like a relationship. If that's the way it is and you're not married I would suggest counseling before you get married. You may even need to separate while you are in counseling.

You state you want him to be happy and do what he wants. A good marriage is give and take. You might be able to give and give but eventually you will run out of giving if he doesn't reciprocate.

Unfortunately I was in a marriage for 9 years where I thought it was my responsibility (and he told me it was) to make my spouse "happy". I tried and tried and gave and gave until I not only didn't like him, I didn't love him either. It ended in divorce (no children thankfully) and I went through some intense counseling. I didn't think I would ever marry again.

I am now happily married to my best friend 16 years in July. He is a wonderful man who is strong and exemplifies what's important to me in a relationship. We have 2 beautiful children together and I can't imagine my life without him.

Don't settle.

L.

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Run! don't walk! Consider this a blessing in disguise. I don't know if you are a spiraltual women, but God has a plan
for you and your children. All these negatives are screaming
"Get Out" before he has a chance to hurt you anymore and
certainly before you become pregnant again. He is definitely
NOT the role model I would want for my children. It is in your best interest and your children to commit to yourself and them to find someone that will cherish you, the way a husband and father SHOULD. When you find this man, you will look back at this and say "What was I thinking???"

Being a single mom w/two children is not going to be easy, but
trust me, don't stay because you feel you're trapped or you'll fall on you face being "alone". Take that time to find out what you're really made of. You'll be a better person for it and your confidence will soar. I've been there - and if I hadn't left, I wouldn't have the wonderful man I'm married to.

Good luck and God Bless!
P. S

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Run. There are men out there who will appreciate the things you do. Find someone who respects you.

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Hi K.,

I hope this does not sound too blunt but you need to seriously evaluate if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. A marriage relationship is a two way street of give and take. I have been married to a wonderful guy for 20+ years and even in the best of situations marriage will be difficult at times. When I don't know what to do I sit down and write down what are the positives and negatives of a particular situation and then weigh them against the other. You might also sit down and write out what qualities you want in the person you marry and see if he fits your idea of a good mate. K., you do not have to settle for someone who does not treat you like you deserve to be treated. I am not talking about "princess" treatment. I am talking about respecting you enough to include you in major job, money, family issues. You may feel that because you have children you are "stuck" with him but you are not. The best gift you can give your kids is a happy mom and a good male role model. I hope this helps!

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All I can say is that you absolutely have to work this out before you make it official. Things do not get better after marriage. Problems will not go away.

Does he help more during his 7 days off? Did he help more before he got this job? (Maybe he's feeling stress about the new job?)

You need to remind him that you work full time as well, and that you feel the relationship should be a partnership - you are not his mother.

Good luck, men can be so helpless and frustrating sometimes!

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Just a shout-out for the 5 Languages of Love - give it a try. Good luck & God bless!

P.S. You all need to work on this now. Things don't get "better" after marriage, that's for sure!

Hi K.,

First of all I want to say that I agree with Lori H. I was in a very similar situation to hers. I thought that once I married my (now ex) husband that things would get better. They never did... Never, ever settle for someone you are not happy with. I know that it is easier said than done, but it's good advice to follow. I, too, ended up with a wonderful man (don't get me wrong, he has his faults!) whom I couldn't imagine life without. You need (and DESERVE) that special man in your life too. Good luck and best wishes!

You are way overdo for a maid. My husband does not respond well to me either when I make "suggestions". I would suggest counseling - there seems to be some other issues going on here. Good Luck!

run FAST. If you stay, you will be miserable. marriage will make things worse.

COMMUNICATE OR LEAVE! If you don't talk (not argue) about how you feel then how does he know. If you are worried about the relationship, why are you getting married? If he has 7 days off of work then he can get off of his butt and do some things. I think you need to plan on having a "come to Jesus meeting" without the kiddos around and TALK. If you talk calmly and he still get nasty and does not ubderstand then maybe you need to rethink your "living situation". DO you go to church?

I had the same problem. I was at my witts end. I too work full time, new baby, and going to school for my Masters. So I completely understand. I began talking to a counselor to see if there was any hope of fixing our relationship. She gave me a few pointers. On one of the days when he's off work maybe, if he isn't on the defensive, you two sit down and make a list of all that needs to be done. From laundry to grass work. Maybe you can divide up the work. Surely when he sees that you are doing all of it he will step in a help. But as I've learned men don't really change. He has 7 days off work, there isn't any reason he can't help with something. This is just a suggestions. I hope that things work out and stay positive.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if he is like this already, it's not going to get any better once you're married. He basically lied to you about the job he took by not telling you he took it. You want him to be happy, but you have to be happy too. If you are not able to tell him you are upset with him, then he is not the guy for you. And you should think about that before you marry him.

Also, it sounds like he treats you as a housekeeper/chef/employee rather than a partner. You need to consider whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life, or at least however many years it takes to get tired of it.

I noticed you have two babies; I'm assuming he is their father, so this makes it even harder for you to make some sort of change. But if you're unhappy, the kids will sense it and will be unhappy too. I think you need to do a lot of soul searching to figure out if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue to be in. If it is, I wish you all the best.

K., sometimes i have felt that way with my husband 9when I was working full time, I'm not now) It is so frustrating. If you can't explain to him how you feel then I recommend some counseling (just a person you trust who is wise about marriage or someone at a local church would probably help- but a real counselor would be able to help work through why you can't talk to him and why he gets offended when you are honest about your feelings). You don't need a 3rd child to care for and he needs to understand that there is a reason so many women end up on antidepressants and some of that can be prevented with a little effort on the man's part. How do you know he loves you- I mean really know.... words are just words if actions don't back them up. In my case my husband didn't get it until I broke down in tears and got medicene. Then he got alot better once he realized how much he's lack of support was hurting me. I wish you luck, what a rough spot you're in. Feel free to write anytime you need to vent.

Hi K.!

Though every situation is different, I understand some of what you are going through with your fiance. You have to let him know how you feel. If you can't talk to him by yourself, I suggest getting your feelings out with a counselor. If you have a church home, your pastor or spiritual leader may be able to help.

He gets offensive and you don't feel like you can ever speak about how you really feel. That is how things get bottled up, and anger builds up. This will tear you down!! It destroys your attitude and your kids will see it...low tolerance, mood swings, etc. You don't want this for you or your children.

I could truly write a book. I don't want to pry into the real details of your relationship. We all have a story, but seriously...you do not want to begin a MARRIAGE, when your relationship isn't healthy. It affects SO MANY other areas of your life.

You must have a discussion serious discussion with your fiance, and more than likely, several will follow. But you can't have these discussion when you are upset. That's not effective. Don't bury it, thinking it will just go away. It won't unless you close it...TOGETHER. You must both make some adjustments and compromises. Not just you!! You can't be the only one. That creates a entirely new pool of issues and only adds on the you issues you are experiencing now.

Ooo wee, Ms. K.! You have written just a small paragraph in your request for advice, but I know there is so much more to what you are feeling. I know what it's like to find difficulty in expressing how you feel. I am open to talking to you if you need an outlet, but you really need to talk your fiance.

God bless you!
You are in my prayers.

T.

My dear, if you are having problems now about who does what and when it is ONLY going to get worse after marriage x3. Where is YOUR self respect? This man treats you like hired help not a soul make or partner. You need to save a few pennies and find a place for you and your kids whether he is the father or not and find a job. Seek government assistance or anything but RUN to your nearest exit. YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN unless HE wants to do it!!! Don't even try. If you can't speak to him, write him a letter and place it where he will see it. Like that song goes, "What you see is what you get", you know where you will be. Make your own life and have a great one WITHOUT him father to the kids or not as life is too short to live this way and you don't have to in this day and age. Good luck to you.

I hope you can sit and talk to him for the sake of the relationship and work something out. BUT we know how time consuming kids are and adding all the responsibilities while he doens't help...thats just like being single with a roommate. I personally wouldn't get into a marriage knowing that was the outcome. I know that has to be the hardest feeling you have deep inside. But you have to do whats best for you and your kids. If this continues thru marriage, your kiddos will think this is normal. Do you want your son treating his future wife that way or your daughter being treated that way? Oh, I know this has to be so tough on you. I will keep you in my prayers. Best of luck

Well, you're just not trying hard enough! It's all your fault! No, I'm totally kidding ;) Just trying to bring humor to a seemingly dismal situation.

Bless your heart. It must be so very difficult working a full-time job + playing the role of June Cleaver to a man who has difficulty communicating.

Why not turn the tables and suggest that he take a higher paying job to make more money so you don't have to work full-time? That's how they did it in the 1950's. That way you will have adequate time to take care of the children, run errands, keep the house in immaculate condition, and cook fabulous Martha Stewart-like dinners. THAT alone is a full-time job!

Yeah, counseling would be my advice. I'd be surprised if you could even get him to go though. Might want to think long and hard before you walk down that aisle with him.

Hi K.
I am not a conselor but married with two children and was going throgh the same exact problems till it got to a point of needing to separate!!but that was not the option!If you love this man then one advise !!Buy the book "The five different love languages"by Gary Chapman!!this book is amazing.you are not speaking his primary love language and he is not speaking yours!read this book and start speaking his language and he will see the big change in you and the relationship and he will come forward and ask you your primary language.It will take a while but it all worth it.good luck.

I read " a little about you " and I don't know if your children are his childrens. If so, that throws a whole new twist on the situation. If these children are NOT his, then I say do not marry this man. He will not magically change once you get married and beleive me, if he is this way during the time he is supposed to be putting his best foot forward, it will only get worse after you get married. NOW, with that said, if these ARE his children, I highly recommend counseling. The children deserve a whole-heart effort on both your parts. Good luck Dear.

I have to agree to wIth some advice you have already recived. You have to question alot of those things. But the really big thing is can you two sit down and talk and if you were able to do that before he started the new job. If he may be coming into a reay made family and this job to him felt like the best move for all of you and acted on opportunity rather than talking to you first. My husband and I are only 2 years into in marriage and is not my childrens father but has raised them all as his own since the begining. But then again not knowing your situation he may be your childrens father I did not catch on to that in your (little about me bit) so I hope I did not offend. I have been with my husband 6 almost 7 rough wonderful years so there is hope. He put up with me at my worst and still does as I do him we always laugh and say you have to sleep some time :) but that is us joking with one another and or telling each other I love you pain in my side. But really all you can do is try and talk and tell each other your a team and must work together you cant do all this alone. Trust me on this I have three kids, my mom lives with us and is a major help and I still want to run out the door screaming ;) but I love my big family to no end. And everyone pitches in. BUT THEY HAVE TO BE REMINDED :)not my mom of course were the ones asking for help. LOL! Hope I have helped you in some way best wishes.

First of all, you MUST sit down and talk with him...not to him but with him. Your marriage will not work if you two cannot communicate with each other. You should let him know that you both need to talk about some things so he will be prepared. You should try to come up with some type of middle ground on who will do what, since you both work. I really don't see any reason why he cannot help out the week he is off. You both have two little children so communication is vital!! Maybe this new job has changed him in some way. If you cannot work things out now, how do you expect a marriage to work.
Good luck and God Bless!
D. :-)

I think you need to talk with him. You dont want to marry a man you cant talk to.

You need to realize if he's a rough neck, his day is a whole lot harder than yours. Sorry I don't agree with everyone else's response, but my husband works the same, 7 on/7 off, or sometimes straight through until the rig is moved, have you tried talking to him about it on his week off, when he's not so tired, I'm sure you two can come to an agreement on what he expects done while he's working and what you can expect of him on his week off. That's way it is with me, you just need to talk and find a system that works for you both. I wouldn't suggest a counsler, I just don't think that's going to help. Make a list of all the things you want to talk to him about, when his hitch is over talk to him about it. That is just my opinion, I don't want to seem mean or uncaring, but if he really cares about you and you really care about him, then you have to meet in the middle on this.

Get counseling! You have defined the relationship as your giving and him with no responsibilities. If something should happen to him (or he leaves you w/o notice) you are left with not much legally or financially. He will get offensive because he hasn't grown up: you won't let him. Get counseling!

Talk to him about it. He sounds more like he expects an indentured servant than a partner. Tell him what you expect from him. If you can't reach a compromise and he isn't willing to work with you on this, GET OUT. It'll only get worse. Just think, if he's like this now, what'll it be like when and if he finally does sign the certificate? Also sounds to me like you've let this go on too long and have spoiled him. Leave the things alone you can't get to. If he doesn't like them, too bad. If he needs it bad enough he'll get up and do it himself. I'm presuming he's a normal male with no special health issues that prohibit him from doing them for himself. Explain to him you're not a servant or his mother, he has to pull his weight to as marriage and relationship is a partnership.

I suggest pre-marital counseling. If you are having these problems / issues now, they will not change when you get married other than getting worse. Put your foot down and say that you need help.

You seem to be on the right track asking for help. You realize he may not be exactly what you and your children need. Try to talk to him about how you feel. Write everything down if you think you will forget something. If there is not trust and communication in a relationship, there isn't much you have there. Don't give up on him yet. You obviously love him very much. Pray about it and ask God to give you the answers your looking for. Counseling before you get married wouldn't hurt at all. They have ways of getting those guys to talk. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself.

Excuse me, but you are setting yourself up for the worst of the worst. Taking it upon yourself to get everything done is not even living in this day and time. IF you donot get him to share chores then you will always be a maid, not at mate.Fortunately it is not too late, tell him to share chores or leave. Be brave, because there are many men that love to do for their love ones, and he sounds like he is not like that.

Get a book on relationships so you will know what a REAL one looks like. Second, get counseling so you'll find out why you think you aren't worth someone's devotion and love, because what you have now isn't love or devotion. Like so many men, he sounds like he thinks making a living is doing you a favor. I woke up to my realities after 20 years. Fortunately, he wanted to keep the marriage together, so he changed some things. I don't understand living with a man w/o marriage, though. You get nothing if he walks away or dies. Sorry if this is blunt, but I wasted too many years and would have appreciated someone pointing these things out to me much sooner.

K.,

Please know that unless your fiance is going through something right now, on a personal level, he is not going to change. After you get married, you will just continue to have this problem, and over the years it will only intensify. No matter how hard us women try - we just cant permanently change our men.

As sad as it sounds, I don't see many "postivites" in your letter. I would seriously consider your relationship with this man before entering into marriage, and suggest marriage counseling before marrying him.

He chose to take a job without consulting you, and a job is a HUGE decision that involves the both of you. Just keep that in mind. What else might he do down the road that involves you, as well as your children, that is behind your back?

Take all these things into consideration, for your entire future with this man, not just with your finances.

God bless,
T.

K.,
Wow - I have spent a good amount of time reading the replies - I can only imagine how overwhelmed you feel from all of the advice. God Bless you! Sincerely!

I am a HAPPILY married mother of 3 - been with my husband for 18 years. The road hasn't always been smooth and the chores have not always been equally divided. A dear friend of mine gave me the BEST advice 10 years ago that I stil reflect on to this day - "choose your battles - don't war over every issue because it will discredit the issues you really feel strongly about".

I shared that to say this - chores, quality time and other areas of a relationship will always be unbalanced when you are first establishing a family/union. Don't give up the fight - I "battled" over many issues in my marriage and had I given up, I would have never enjoyed the man my husband has become. I give God all the glory for that. I asked in prayer, that God would give me patience and understanding with my husband - (we weren't married at the time) so that in turn, I would be changed, too. To this day, my husband thanks me for believing in him and not giving up on us.

I love the book, The Five Love Languages - I also recommend you read it. I would be happy to share in detail what each language represents - as I know your time may be limited in reading with the "babies". :)

One thing you can start to do now, is verbally communicate to your fiance' that you are feeling overwhelmed and that his help in ANY area would lift your burden significantly. It would be ok to give him a small list of things to do while he is off - don't get upset if they aren't completed right away. Do your tasks according to the time you have available - at your pace.

I don't believe in "giving-up" because I am a God fearing woman - I have seen first hand God's handy work in transforming people I would have written off as a "lost cause".

I'm praying for you, your fiance' and your family - a prayer of protection, love and unity.
God Bless!

My dear K.,

Pay close attention....The behavior you see now will be exactly like this or worse when you marry. If he is not behaving the way you like before the wedding, it will not change after the wedding. Trying to change him after the wedding is a dead end road.

Your expectations are not being met. Were they discussed before you moved in together? Are the kids his? Was there a discussion about how this partnership was going to work before you moved in/get married.

I continue to deal with my husband about these issues. I made the mistake of believing he would change after the wedding. He never learned from his parents how to take care of a home. I spend a great deal of time begging for his help. He just assumes that it will get done, but when what he wants doesn't get done look out.

Don't give this man the rest of your life, if he is not willing to work to maintain the household. It will be a termendous drag on you....

Praying for wisdom for you.

If you can't explain to him at an right moment, I suggest you write a note, (read it over to make sure it doesn't sound confronting) and explain that you work full time also, and are trying very hard to make him a happy home, but it is a team effort when both work, and the children are a joint responsibility. That you can make a list of what things need done and each mark off the ones you feel more capable of or time for, but you don't feel like being dictated to any more than he would. When a wife stays home,and doesn't work, I feel like the house is her job, and he shouldn't have to come home and work, but when you both do, he should get mad, a nd you have to learn to communicate with each other the sooner the better, and communication is the glue that holds couples , families, friends, and work place together. Good luch.

I know when I first got married, I tried to get us to clean the house together or do the dishes together. Another way I would always say it to him is "will you do me a huge favor and help me with laundry today?" Or whatever it is that you have to do and would like his help on. Words of advice that you do not have to take, but if you are not happy now, it will not get better once you get married. Are you going to have marriage counseling from your minister before you get married? That would be a good place to talk about some of these things. Good Luck.

Dear K.,
I can personally recommend a seminar that my hubby and I went to. It is called Relationship Rich and it saved us because it helped us look at our relationship honestly and remind ourselves about why we are together. It did wonders to help my husband finally "hear" me about things I feel like I have been telling him forever. It also helped me hear his heart and frustrations for the first time in a long time. Those thing that drove us crazy about each other were really just symptoms of a bigger problem. It is just a miracle and we are very happy now (and I was ready to leave when we finally attended) Relationshiprich.org

You do not need to marry him. That is my advice. Marriage NEVER MAKES THIS STUFF BETTER. Figure out a solution first.

My solution is that, during the 7 days he is on, you do what you have to do to get everything done - including hiring Merry Maids, if necessary, to keep things up to par. Then, the 7 days he is off - it's his job, and his problem.

My husband and I work opposite shifts - he's Sat - Tues, I'm Wed - Sat - splitting the work load simultaneously made things better and him more understanding when small children get in the way of perfection. LOL

S.