So about two years ago my In-laws were having financial problems and were at the point where they were having to file bankruptcy and let go of there house. My DH and I at the time lived in a small town house we owned and were getting very frustrated with the HOA and management company. My DH came up with the idea that if we sold our condo and bought a house big enough with my in-laws paying half and mortgage (essentially owning half of the house) we could get into a bigger place where we would have to deal with a HOA and it would also help his parents out since they were having to let go of their house. I get along with my in-laws very well and was fine with the arrangement except that my FIL smokes like a chimney, my MIL also smokes but to a MUCH less extent. So when we were discussing this arrangement with my in-laws the agreement was that they would not smoke in the house and we were going to look for a house that had MIL type quarters where there were two full separate living areas. The house we found meets all those things, it is 3400 square feet split level house with basically a 1300 square foot apartment downstairs with full kitchen two bedrooms etc. My in-laws live in the downstairs. The room my FIL is in has a sliding glass door out to the backyard patio which we thought was perfect cause he could step right outside his room to smoke. Everything has worked out well until recently when I have caught him several times smoking in his room. I even agreed to let him sit in his desk chair and smoke out the door to the outside. I still catch him lying in his bed (I know fire hazard much!) or at his desk smoking away. I have asked nicely I have yelled and screamed at him….my husband and MIL have asked and yelled at him about it and it doesn’t do any good. I feel his actions are a big F#%$ you to me that he really doesn’t care to do the one thing he agreed to and that I have asked him to do. My husband is going to install and vent fan in his room and cut off the heat to his room but we don’t really know what else to do to get him to stop. I am at a loss. I used to get along with him and know I want nothing to do with him. Also, a little back round about my FIL, he is bi-polar, alcoholic who now I am finding is a pathological liar. He has gone through the past roughly 3 years “on the wagon” so to speak but now he has also been caught several times drinking again. Oh and He has had two heart attacks and a stroke and still smokes like a chimney How do I handle this? My MIL has lost all hope for him but doesn’t know what to do either, nothing she has done in the past 35 years of marriage has stopped him. The family has just basically given up on how and what to do. He does not care about anyone but himself. He has, and would, screw over any of his family if he thought it would benefit him. I feel like sometime that my DH, MIL and SIL have let him get away with these things for so long and he has had no consequence for his actions, especially my MIL, I think she enables him to a certain extent. When I talk to my DH and MIL about this they agree but they then say, “what should we do? He is an adult and we can’t force him to do or not to do anything.” So Ladies any advice? I’m at a loss of what to do. Thanks for any advice you can give me.
edit: Technically we own the house as the house is soley in our name but the agrreement was that they "own" half the house as they are paying half the mortgage.Also, we can technically afford the full mortgage but it would make it so we would literally have no money for anything else.
Wow, that is so rude and disgusting! I'm a smoker, and I would NEVER smoke in my house. It's so gross! I don't really have any advice, I just wanted you to know that you are in the right on this one. Smoking inside, especially when other people have to be around it, is just nasty.
You knew he had "problems" and you went into this deal with your eyes open. Now you are stuck with a choice--- either ask them to move, or put up with it. If you can't do one, you have to do the other. If you need them to pay half the mortgage, and it sounds like you do, then accept that he's going to smoke, and go from there. He's not about to change, so let it go. Anger and stress are self-induced conditions.You can't control either of them, just like you wouldn't let them control you, so just stop the drama. Keep doors closed to that part of the house and forget it.
You need to have a heart to heart with your FIL (all three of you). Explain that the arrangement is not working because he is not holding up his end of the agreement. The smoking is not just a fire hazard (in bed) but a health risk to everyone there especially the kids that you are not willing to budge on. Ask him what he is willing to do about it. Does he want to and is willing to abide by the arrangement and either stop smoking all together or at least just go outside? or would he prefer to sever the arrangement and find a new home?
I would strongly suggest that you "buy them out" of the house and then have your MIL pay a monthly rent- FIL needs to go until he can live by your rules. If it's "his house too", you have little leverage.
I would agree that he has been enabled by his family and at this point there are no real consequenes for his poor choices. My suggestion would be to have a "family meeting" and lay-out the rules. DON'T install the fan, it's enabling. DON'T change the HVAC system for the same reason.
Your house, your rules. If he can't live by them, then find another place to live. Yes, you will need to scrimp to make it happen, but you could also probably find a "renter" to help with the payments.
Whatever you decide on, get it in writing and consider taking their names off of the house (if they are on the mortgage).
I agree with Bethany C. I too, am a smoker... I don't smoke in MY house.
I'd tell him that he can leave if he can't follow the house rules. There are super cheap apartments with only one bedroom.
You're looking for a logical response to someone with multiple addictions plus a bipolar disorder. He doesn't care about others, I agree, but he doesn't really care about himself either. He needs a serious intervention and rehab, or he needs to be evicted or your MIL needs to divorce him, but I don't see that last one happening. You have no other choices, other than living with it, which doesn't seem to be acceptable.
Been there. Done that. LOL! As for his overall health & habits: you can not change, fix or help someone that doesn't want it. And it clearly sounds like he doesn't want it. He's happy being a lying, moody, smoking alcoholic and until he's ready to want to change, it's not gonna happen. We had the exact same trouble with a close loved one and he didn't change anything until he was darn ready to. So this takes you to: Do you WANT to continue subjecting yourself to it. Are the pros worth the cons? Can you accept living in the house with him the way he is? If not, maybe it's time to talk to the in-laws and have them get their own place where he can do what he wants. Then either sell your place or rent it out to someone else. I would certainly start with a pros & cons list though. Make sure you give each item weight too. Maybe like a point system. Maybe the smoking in the house is a 4 out of 5 on the negative but the nice MIL is a 5 out of 5.... Good luck.
Can you have them move out and then rent the 'apartment' to a non smoker and therefore be able to afford the Mgt. w/ out being house poor?
who's name is the home under? yours and your husbands i'm sure, sit with them and have a heart to heart discussion, i would suggest that NO tobacco is allowed in the home PERIOD, and no alcohol bottles either, if found all will be destroyed and they will have 30 day eviction notice. if they own the home (from the sound of your post they do not) then give them your 30 days and move out
i've done buisness with family twice and WILL NOT do it again unless i am in fact HOMELESS.
"Technically we own the house as the house is solely in our name but teh agreement was that they 'own' half the house as they are paying half the mortgage" Well technically does not hold up in a court of law as it was a verbale agreement. So you can put him out. Sorry to be so blunt but he doesn't want to do anything to better himself for his family. He wants to pull the family down around him.
So you see there are many posts on here about doing for family especially in laws that don't want to help themselves and it causes much grief for everyone involved. It is time to cut your losses and scrimp to make the mortgage or find a renter that does not smoke. A renter might be what you need not family. No one wants to buy a house that has been smoked in so think about that for the future.
The other S.
I almost ended up with my in-laws living with us when we first bought a house. Luckily, they decided to go for a small house with subsidized rent instead. They live 2 miles away, and choose to see us less than once a week. We're less likely to lecture them about their eating habits and spending choices. Less arguing all around.
It sounds like you are having a conflict between being a landlord, and being family. If someone else was renting an apartment from you, you'd be less likely to let them stay over this. You could try to set up a new agreement in writing so they can't back out of it. Or If they find another place to rent, you won't be in the "landlord" position anymore.
I see you guys are splitting the mortgage but who's name is on it? If you guys can't afford the house alone this may be a good time to sell the house and find your own.
Hi L., I'd have a different approach to the other posters (not surprisingly, tehehe).
You don't mention your FIL's age. But with several mental and medical conditions it sounds to me like you may not have this problem much longer.
A bipolar addict CANNOT empathize with any consistency how his behavior effects loved ones. He is singularly narcissitic (sp). "consequences" for his actions as you put it will have no effect, this is apparent as his wife has been enabling him their entire marriage. (I only know these things having been married to one myself, and having been an enabler my entire marriage, until I left)
It's unfortunate that you did not realize these things before the arrangement took place.
Prepare yourself for an ENORMOUS FAMILY WIDE falling out if you decide they have to go, the verbal agreement has to be broken, this includes your relationship with your husband who has probably grown up an enabler and doesn't even recognize it in himself. He may be SHOCKED that your tolerance level is not the same as his.
You are the "Lady" of the house, there by are effected the most by the behavior of everyone else in the house. You are also a Mom and determined to bring your children up in the best possible environment.
To be honest, with respect to the potential explosive posibilities of the arrangement, you may need some professional help on your side. Well your husband go with you to a visit with a therapist? Or even to a AA meeting? My point is, the THREE of them are very accustomed to banding together against 'outsiders' who refuse to enable the dysfunction.
Soooo, is it worth it to you? A wiff of cigarette smoke from time to time? Or is their dysfunction ALREADY effecting you and your kids and your marriage? Is it really just about the smoking?
Sorry, just more questions, and no real answers for you.
What does your husband think you should do?
