Problems with 3 1/2 Yr Old Getting Ready in the Morning

A couple of ideas I got at an organizational class helped improve this for us. Make tags to hang on hangers, one for each day of the week. Then on Sunday night spend 10 minutes helping your child pick out all clothes for the week and tag each one for the day. Then the night before take the clothes off the hanger for the coming day and lay them out on the floor in the shape of a child, complete with undies, socks and shoes and hair ribbons. We call it our "Clothing Kid". The clothes are picked and ready to be put on in the morning. My kids get excited about seeing their "Clothing Kid" in the morning.

I know that my 3 year old loves to be in control. We try to give her control in ways that she can have it by asking her to make decisions we can live with. And we ask her to make lots of decisions because she likes that. "Are you going to get dressed first or make your bed first? Are you going to put on your pants first or your shirt first? Are you going to brush your hair 5 times or 10 times before Mommy does it?" Etc. She loves that and I think she feels respected when we let her make her own decisions.

I also tend to think that even though the 3 year old stage is one of WANTING independence, they are not yet ready for it completely. I often end up watching my child be independent. Without me watching she doesn't do it but she doesn't want me to help either. If she doesn't want you to even watch her than a Super-nanny approach might be to give time warnings every minute. i.e. "you have 5 minutes until breakfast and you must be dressed before then. Now there are 4 minutes....3 minutes left...2 minutes....." etc.

And "Love and Logic Magic for the Early Childhood Years" would say you give the time limit (show the kid on the clock how she needs to be dressed by the time the big hand touches the number ____) and than if the child misses breakfast and goes to daycare in pjs than so be it but you don't get angry or lecture or express frustration. And you let the daycare know that she should not be fed breakfast or she will be rewarded for her disobedience at home. She may be a little too young for that quite yet but that's up to you. (I recommend that book, though.)

Hope that helps.

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Hey A.,
I am a mom of 6 year old twins who used to work full time and getting all of us out the door in the morning was a really hectic part of the day. The advice I have to give probably not everyone will agree with, but it worked for us. My son has a really hard time waking up in the morning while my daughter has always sprung out of bed. The only way I could come up with to keep us moving on a schedule in the morning was to keep to a very strict routine. I would get everything ready the night before that I could. Pack lunches and back packs, lay out everyones clothes (including my own),give baths, and even load anything that I could into the car. Then in the morning I would get up early enough to get completely ready before I needed to wake the kids. Finally I would go in wake my kids and then pick them up and carry them to my bed to watch cartoons so they could ease into waking up. We figured out some healthy and easy breakfasts that could be eaten anywhere (in our bed, in the car, where ever it was convenient). Finally I didn't push for them to dress themselves. If they wanted me to do it, I did. If they wanted to do it we set a timer and they knew if it went off then it was my turn to take over. I really didn't worry to much about them reaching any milestones of independance. There were lots of other times during our day when I could allow them to exert independance ect. and this seem to ensure a smooth start to all of our days. I am happy to report that both of my kids are happy independant 6 year olds who get up when asked, dress themselves, and eat breakfast at the kitchen table. What I described was just a phase of our lives and my best advice is don't fight it. Do what works for you. Maturity will come.
Hope that helps!
K.

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Maybe she's getting lots of attention fighting in the morning 'cause shes not getting enough from both parents when available and home. I wager she'd much rather spend time with her mommy & daddy than go to daycare.
It must be hard to be small and have no say in the day's events.

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I had the same problem when my kids were small. I did the lazy approach and let them put on their clothes they were going to wear the next day after their bath at night. This took a little stress off.

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Hi there,
I have three kids, 11, 8 and 5. I know how hard this is, my 5 year old has the same issue getting ready for pre-school! Have you heard of love and logic? Giving the kids as many choices/decisions so when the important issues come up (like you all getting to work on time) Like letting her decide what to wear( and PJ's can be an option!), when to brush her teeth, go potty, when to eat breakfast etc! So anything not related to safety/security really. The two choice option works the best at this age and you can say "if you can't decide I will decide for you!". Good luck to you and your family, I hope that might help!

Hello A., You might want to read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This book gives lots of ideas and offers new skills for ending power struggles. And, after that, if you all want to take your parenting to another level, I recommend, "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy" by Naomi Aldort. Enjoy! ~T.

I have twins that are now 5 years old. I recall when they were about 3 1/2 years old we had some getting ready issues, especially with one of them. For about 2 months in a row, I took clothes with me to daycare and changed him there. During those two months I told him he had to potty and we'd also brush his teeth at home but we'd change at school. He loved this for some reason and it took all the struggle out the mornings. Then, one day, he decided he'd get dressed at home and we never had an issue since. Good luck!

I agree with Dani. It definitely sounds like she's not getting enough sleep.
Twenty years ago, I had the same challenge and I was telling an older friend whose kids were grown. She immediately said, "They're not getting enough sleep" and she didn't even know what their bedtime was.
She was right. Hope it's as simple a resolution for you.

You may have tried this before but if not. We let our children pick out their clothes the night before. What ever they wanted to wear. Even if it was awful and didn't match. I didn't tell them they didn't match either. They felt pride that they could where what they wanted. But in the morning they were eager to put on what they chose and it took the stress of picking out something in a hurry. And relieved the stress of everything you had to do in the morning before you have to go.

My know 15 year old daughter was horrible to get ready in her first grade year! As soon as we got the clothes on her she would have them off, I tried all suggestions that the other parents have offered and they have worked with a few of my other kids but for my DD one day I was done fighting, so she went to school in her jammies, hair unbrushed, no shoes (I did send those to school) and no breakfast, it took about 3 days of this to "break" her of her habit. It was a little extreme but it did work, we had also had some extreme things going on in the house so this attributed to it, and the school psychologist was on board they were the ones who suggested it, nothing bad had happened to my DD I was held up at my place of buisness at gun point and daddy who had been out of the picture was back, granted your DD has no extremes in her life but it is a power struggle just the same, give some choices and if she doesn't want to participate then give no options and just send her to school.

I have found success with sticker charts...listing all the things she has to do to get ready in the morning and all the things she has to do to go to bed at night and then put a sticker when it's done and then a prize at the end of the week. Doesn't have to be candy or toys, can be a trip to the park or the zoo or something fun as a family. Also, you can try making getting dressed a game. Sing silly songs while you get ready. Try not to get upset and frustrated because that will only make her dig her heals in more. See how fast you can get dressed. See if you can beat mommy in brushing your teeth. Who can get their shoes on first. Things like that. Kids get a kick out of competition. And they like to win. I hope that helps!

Sing or talk to her while your or she's getting dressed to distract her and she won't notice your getting her dressed, buy her a toy after she finishes getting dressed as a praise or to give her and she will probably keep getting dressed as to knowing you will cheer her on or cheer for her when she does it. Give her a hand in general to help her. When she obeys you or does the getting dressed part, applaud her. Try that out let me know if it works for you.

Hi A.,
I learned this with my stepkids and then with my own, it works really well. When the kids are getting dressed and don't want what you pick out and can't seem to put things together themselves give them a choice. "You can wear the blue pants or the green pants, which would you like?" Gives you the control but them a choice and feeling of control. It also helps if you do this the night before so the clothes are already laid out in the morning. My son helps get breakfast, cracks the eggs, pours cereal in bowl..., again gives them some control but also makes them want to participate while you are doing it instead of them controlling the time.
Good luck and have fun,
S. M.

You are getting some great suggestions. One other thing I have heard of helping is a morning chart. I'm a teacher, and one thing my principal did for her slow in the morning son was make a poster with pictures of a boy doing the things her son needed to do in the morning. When he did those things he got to put a sticker on the chart. It is always fun for kids to put stickers on things. I think this would word well with the "miracle music" too. I have heard really great things about that as well.
Good luck.

Hi,
I have a suggestion you could try...check first with your day care provider and see if it might be ok to let her come to daycare in her pjs and get dressed there? I watch a little girl (3 years old now), and she went through a similar phase and we just let her get dressed here. She seemed to enjoy it for about a week, but then decided she much prefered getting ready at home with mom and dad. It might work for you to give her the choice for awhile and let her "own" the results.

Good Luck,
J.

First of all, what is a reasonable hour? At her age she should still be getting between 10-12 hours of sleep. You may think that she is going to bed early enough, but from the sounds of it, she isn't. Try moving her bedtime earlier by 1/2 hour each night until she is getting enough sleep, I think that will solve a lot of your problems.

I don't know if your daughter is a slow poke on top of the resistance, but my oldest is a major doddler. It would drive me crazy and we both left the house in a bad mood. I gave her tons of time to get ready; much more than my second daughter needed. I finally bit the bullet and started getting her ready a half hour earlier. It made a big difference. She seemed to need that extra 1/2 hour just to waste time and not feel rushed.

My daughter also hated having me wake her up and making her get out of bed. Last year I bought her a CD alarm clock. I put in a CD with a story and about 10 minutes before she needed to get up the CD would turn on and start telling her a story. She absolutely love it! I told her that if she could stay on task while she was getting dressed and getting her shoes on I would keep the story playing. You can get tons of books on CD at the library.

My friend has a 4 and 5 year old and was having similar problems. She started a marble system where if they got up and allowed her to get them ready (eat, brush teeth, comb hair, get dressed) she would let them put a marble in their jar. After 14 marbles they got a small reward (dollar store, ice cream shop, etc.) She said that this worked so well for her. Not all kids are the same but it's worth a try. Good Luck!

I had the same problem with my daughter at around the same age, so I completely understand your frustration. We were getting her up and ready for preschool and I cried sometimes it was so hard. I talked with the preschool teacher about it and she said, of course, that it was a control issue. She said, just bring her in her pijamas and she won't be able to do an activity unless she is dressed.(consequences for her actions) Or she said, put her to bed in her clothes for the next day. It seemed as soon as my daughter realized that my attitude was fine, don't get dressed, but you are still going no matter what, she stopped fighting us on getting her ready. I would explain to your daycare what is going on so they can understand and help you. Also we started getting really into an exact routine..... first we cuddle in bed, then we eat breakfast, then brush teeth, then get dressed, in exactly the same order everyday( you could have pictures of what is next). I swear kids sense when you are in a hurry and stressed and they feed on that! Good Luck! Hang in there!

Put her to bed in tomorrow's clothes. Skip the pj's.
Get her to the daycare, then do things like brush her hair and wash her face before you let her in the room.
Give her dry breakfast to eat in the car instead of trying to get her to eat breakfast at home.
Have her brush her teeth before bed and when she gets home from school and skip that part of her morning routine.
If you do every single one of these suggestions, maybe the things she can do first thing in the morning can be draw a picture, read a book with dad, something mellow and laid back.
If you only do one or two corner-cuts for the morning, you might just give yourself the time to get her out the door on time.

I had a problem getting the kids to daycare before I went to class, and I tried most of these things and found them all helpful at different times, especially the grooming techniques. My little girl decided that wearing her school clothes to bed was not as fun as getting dressed fresh in the morning, so she stopped fighting about it. My son didn't mind that one, so he still sleeps in regular clothes, or none. Now that we don't do daycare, though, I can't get her to eat in a reasonable amount of time, nor take less than 2 hours brushing her hair (I'm doing things like working first thing and don't keep on her: "I keep getting distracted" she says when I finally notice). I usually either put a dry waffle in her hand and set a 4 minute timer for hair, and that generally takes care of it.

This is what worked for us:

1.wake her up 20 minutes earlier than you're waking her up now.
2.Wake her up gently by rubbing her back and giving her hugs.
3.Spend the rest of the 20 minutes snuggling and smiling at each other--not trying to get her to do anything..just talk to her or cuddle.
4.Then say something like, I'm hungry...and you both get up
5.have her pick out her clothes the night before when she's getting ready for bed.

4 year olds need atleast 10 hours of sleep per night.

Hi there, you are not alone!!! my daughter at that age did the same thing and now that her younger sister is that age now it is starting all over again. you are just going to have to deal with it. I love it when someone says to me that you have to talk to your child about the situation. the child is not talking the child is acting like she is from mars!! how do you deal with that! well let me tell you that even at her age she knows exactly what she is doing! maybe not how we as adults think of it but all she wants to do is get your goat, rile you up, mess with mom and dad and see how far she can push you. she wants attention and for a kid even the negative punishing kind is still attention! so what I did was unfortunatly I would force her into her clothes. I had to get her to concentrate on something else besides my putting her into her clothes. you have a life and as a child they are in your would right now and you need her to do something and you need it done now. I had this problem at walmart in public one time and she took off all her clothes! I told her we do not get naked in public but she was not listening. I had to stand in walmart and force the clothes back on as we were headed to the bathroom. you just have to show them who is boss sometimes and if they can't handle that then time out in their room when the time is right and don't forget to follow through. They are the kids and you are the mom. it is your job to tell them what to do and it is their job to do as they are told. It's not like you want them to repave the driveway or anything! I would also point out other people to my daughter and say to her,"is that little girl naked at the store?" and she would answer "no". show her some examples of children her age in different areas doing different things. my oldest now will point out to me a child she sees giving her parents trouble and she will tell me "she is not listening to her mommy that's why she is in trouble"! now I can say I am doing a good job and I just have to take one day at a time. when she is done with this stage a brand new problem will pop up soon. good luck, pat

Hi A.,
I had the same problem with my 2 year old. Everything was a fight to get ready in the morning. Then, I discovered Children's Miracle Music. It is a fun game to help children get ready in the morning and go to bed at night. It has helped us a ton in getting ready in the morning. Check it out at www.childrensmiraclemusic.com. Best wishes!

Picture charts and a digital alarm clock worked for us. I took pictures of my son doing the steps to get ready in the morning and then put the time each step had to be taken by. He loved beating the clock. The other thing is that some kids have way to many clothes to choose from. I found that enough pants for a couple days and a few shirts all of which matched each other, white socks and plain underwear were also less stressful for him and he felt he could do it himself. He is 14 now and still gets dressed this way. He has always hated clothes and would wear the same ones every day if we let him.

I had that problem when my now 3 year old was going to childcare. At 2 1/2 it was a horrible feat to get her ready. Luckily she was with a great childcare provider that had a child development expert on staff. She told me its ok to have the child come in their pj's, don't fight it. Eventually, she wanted to be dressed before going to "school". Good luck.

A.,

Welcome to the joys of being a parent with tough love. All three of my kids have had this problem. I let them know we are leaving in x amount of time and that while I am doing my stuff they need to do ______. If they are not ready when I am ready they go out the door as is. That means they have gone to the car with out shoes on and have put them on while driving. My youngest has gone to day care in her pj's one time. They all have had to do their hair and shoes in the car. They know that I will not leave them but they also know what I say goes. Try it but stick to it. It will work for your 3 1/2 year old.

My 5 year old now makes sure she is dressed first, then she makes her bed and does her morning chores. She knows that if she does not get them done before we leave she has to do them as soon as she gets home.

God Bless.

J.

It sounds like she's not ready for the big changes that happen right then. You said she isn't tired but if you have to wake her up to get ready then, she may need more sleep. Some kids don't deal with change well. I would suggest having her pick out her clothes the night before and then stick to your guns. She may need more choices in what she wants to wear and what to eat. Good Luck!!!!

I have 4 boys, 2 that are in school. We were having the same problems. Every morning I spent yelling for them to hurry up to be to school on time. I went and bought a digital alarm clock and I decided what time we needed to be dressed and ready by. Then I taught them the numbers on the clock at the time they had to be dressed - "when the clock says 815 you need to be dressed". Sometimes I have to remind them to watch the clock to keep them moving but it has worked wonders. Now they hurry to get dressed before the clock says its time to go. No more yelling in the morning. Good luck, I know the morning rush can be frustrating.

We had the same problem with our 4 year old with getting ready for bed at night. It would take 2 hours to get her to bed. About 3 weeks ago, I hit upon an idea to ask her what all the things are that she has to do to get ready for bed. She listed them off, then we went around and took pictures of each thing (getting a drink, brushing her teeth, putting on her pajamas, reading a story, etc.). I printed the pictures, then got a piece of poster board and asked her what order the pictures needed to go in to be in the correct order. She put them in order and helped me glue them to the board. Then I told her that any night she did all these things quickly and without complaining and was in bed asleep at 8 p.m., the next day she could choose either me or Daddy to spend 10 minutes doing only what she wanted to do - we wouldn't answer the phone, the other parent would take care of her brother, etc. - so that she would have the undivided attention of whichever parent she wanted for 10 minutes. It has worked like a charm. It is now taking less than 20 minutes start to finish to have her in bed and asleep, where before it took 2 hours. She is now asking what else she can do to earn more minutes, so we are working on temper tantrums and whining next!

Good luck!

M.

I have a 3 1/2 year old little girl and was having the same problem with her. It seems that at this age they really want to assert their independence. I figured out that if I lay out three or four shirts on the floor along with three or four pairs of pants, it helps my daughter be more cooperative. She enjoys having a few choices that she can choose from but at the same time it is not overwhelming her with too many choices. I can't just ask her "what do you want to wear today?" Then she doesn't ever choose and the tantrums start. I think that leaving it so wide and open for her is too much. At the other end she will throw tantrums if I choose and outfit and make her wear it. So a happy medium offering a few choices for her to choose from so she go feel a little more independent.

Pick out two outfits the night before and let her pick which one she would like to wear the next morning. This will avoid the whole decision-making process in the morning.

Lppk up "Children's Miracle Music" on the internet. Best thing I have found in 20 years of parenting!

I have had similar problems with my son, who's now 6 years old. He is just simply NOT a morning person! There are a few things I tried that seemed to really help... first I got an alarm clock that had somewhat soothing sounds to it and put it by his bed (the horrible beeping that some of them make don't help the situation. but I found one that has chimes to it)... and I set it for about 5-10 minutes before I had to go wake him up. This helped because it gave him the chance to wake up slowly, as a big problem with him was that he would be sleeping so soundly that me walking in and waking him from that would instantly put him into a bad mood. I showed him how to work it and turn it off himself, then he would usually get back into bed for a few minutes till I came into the room. This was the biggest thing that helped me. Another thing is that I went to the dollar store and bought a few things, but I wrapped them up like presents. He wasn't allowed to open one of these presents until he was all dressed and had his shoes on.. and the first few times I did it, I waited until we were in the car to give them to him. Also at that age, they are somewhat able to understand time, and how to read a clock, so I explained to him by what time every morning we had to leave, and then broke the time down into incriments... i.e... by 7:00 he had to wake up, by 7:10 he needed to have his bed made, by 7:25 he needed to get himself dressed... and so on. At first I made a little check list for him to check off each thing he had done so that he knew he was ready to go.
I hope this helps, I know the struggles, being a working mom myslef with 5 kids... it can be difficult! But every bit as rewarding too. GOOD LUCK!

A.,
Hello! I have a boy who just turned 4, and he still hates to get dressed. What I try is to make a deal and say we will get dressed after Diego is over, or if he gets undressed, I will then help him get dressed. Right now he is very jealous of his younger 7 month old brother and I think the getting dressed thing is an attention getter for him. Maybe try setting out the clothes she picks the night before and creat a silly song to go with it, it migh be just enough attention and or distraction.

This is an age of independance. Give her some of the control. Explain to her that it is hard on daddy to get her ready in the morning and you need her help. At night before bed have HER pick her clothes. Place them with her shoes and anything else she may need to get ready. Have her pack and jacket by the door already to go (again she can help) Have her set the table for breakfast ( if you eat at home) and pick one of the things she will be eating. I do not do the "time to get up" call 10 times (my sister does and my nephew knows how long he can push her). I tell my kids good morning! Turn on the light and make noise in their rooms ( opening the closet). They have learned they better pop out of bed, even if that means walking down the hall half asleep.

Explain what you expect from her, and ask how she can help.

make it a game. let her see you put on clothes. or dress her in her sleep

This sounds like the same thing that happens with my two year old. While I don't have the every day struggle like you, when I do need to go somewhere in a hurry and she can tell she digs her heels in and is impossible! I have figured out a few tricks though that might work with your daughter too. First of all I think that it has A LOT to do with personality type. It sounds like your child has what you would call an analitical personality type and this means that she needs a few minutes to think things through to make a decision. My daughter is the same way and that means if I want her to do anything at all I need to give her time to think about it. It's very frustrating but I find if she knows she's being rushed or I try to force her into things she digs in her heels. What I do is tell her I'm going to count to three and then she needs to do what she is told, let me get her dressed etc. and if she doesn't obey then she will have to sit on the naughty chair. (This is the routine that the Super Nanny used on her show and it really works!) I also try to give her more then one option. For example you need to decide between this outfit and that one by the time I count to three. That way she has some control over the situation, which is also important to an analitical personality and toddlers in general since they don't have much control in there lives. When you're done counting give her time to answer which choice, but don't wait too long as then the threat of punishment doesn't work. This is a balancing act because analitical people need time to make a decision and then more time to answer, so what seems like forever to you might not be enough time. As I've continued doing this routine and my daughter knows what to expect I've been able to cut back on the time I wait for an answer. Most important is don't let her know you are frustrated. If I explain to her that we need to go somewhere and ask her if she will please help me so that we can go, then she's usually a lot more willing to cooperate.

In case your not familiar with it, here is the naughty chair routine:
It's basically like time out but you get down on their level and explain that if they don't obey etc. then you will put them on the naughty chair. If they continue with the behavior then you put them on the naughty chair and again explain why they are there. Then when they've served there time you go back again and tell them why they had to sit there and they have to say sorry before they can get down. Make sure this is all done while they are looking at you in the eyes and you're down on their level and not towering above them making demands. While they are on the naughty chair completely ignore them. If they get down go calmly set them back on it as many times as it takes without looking at them or giving them any attention. Then when it's all done move on, don't dwell on it or bring it up again, so they know they are forgiven. I find if I skimp on the details, the naughty chair is not nearly as effective.
Good luck!

Dear A.,
I have a boy that same age and know exactly what you're going through. What I try to remember is that it is not crucial that your daughter look perfect for daycare. It is more important that every morning not be a traumatic power struggle. Someday just let her go in her pj's, no shoes, whatever...she'll soon realize that it is more comfortable to be dressed in regular clothes, and may be more willing to get ready in the am. Maybe she's gearing up for the morning struggle daily, and if you break that habit for a little while, she will be more willing to cooperate later. Good luck!
M. R

Hi A., We also have a 3 yo and a 6 mo old. We had many problems getting out 3 yo up and ready...her problem was that she didn't want to get out of bed...not sure what yours is doing. I now start about a 1/2 before I intend to leave and wake her up gently, let her lay in bed and go in every 10 min and wake her again. Be the third time, she will get up and get dressed. She used to go to daycare in pj's. You might check with your sitter and see if this is a possibility. We found that it was just a phase with her that went along with being picky about clothing, having to pick her own outfit. She often went out of the house in completely unmatching clothes, but at least she was dressed. That was one battle I chose not to fight with her...now, she comes to us and asks if her outfits match. She is learning about colors and 'matches' everything she sees. Maybe try setting out her clothing the night before? It worked pretty well for ours. Maybe pay attention to how much time you are spending getting Morgan ready? Could be some sibling rivalry going on also? I find that when we start paying a lot of attention to the baby, our three year old starts misbehaving to get more attention. Hope this helps. --S.--

I have an 8 yr. old that has ADHD and Aspbergers autism. He has a WAY difficult time getting ready in the morning. The way I have found to make it fun for both of us and actually get him to dress himself is to sing a song about getting dressed. For example: "Get your shirt on, get your shirt on, get your shirt on hurry quick..." you get the idea. Make it up and make getting dressed a fun time instead of a rotten time. It is possible that your daughter is resisting because she doesn't like going to day care too. Listen to her and find out if there is an underlying reason why she is having this issue.

Good Luck!

HI
I have a 4 year old girl and she has been this way since she was three as well. I don't really have any ideas except that it does get better as she gets older. Try laying her clothes out. In our house the bedrooms are upstairs so the rule is no going downstairs until she is dressed and hair is combed and teeth brushed. I'm already dressed and ready to go down for breakfast so she usually wants to get ready so she can be with me and have breakfast.
hope that helps a little.

My 3 1/2 yr old daughter had similar issues, and still if we disrupt our regimented schedule she falls back into those. What works for us is schedule. Our alarm starts going off about 45 min. before we need to get up. This wakes her up and she comes into bed and "wakes" us up and snuggles for a while. She is always the first one to suggest going to have breakfast. We've found breakfasts that she eats faster and enjoys work best on weekdays and we stick to those. Then we race upstairs to get dressed and then I pick out two outfits and she gets to decide which one she wants to wear. We race to see who can get their clothes on first. We brush our teeth at the same time too which helps. Of course, like everything with a preschooler, this isn't foolproof, there have been days when I have to comb her hair when we get to daycare....but routine and schedule work best for us.