Problems at School

It's difficult to determine what's wrong until you gather more information. For instance, there could have been a concerted shift in the classroom from discussions to writing lately. If so, your son's problems could stem from a vision problem or a pencil grip problem. When boys are this age, they often begin to manifest the clues that lead to a diagnosis of learning disability. It's important for you to put on the hat of detective and find out what's going on. The problem could be physical, and that has to be ruled out first. My philosophy with my own son and other children is this: if they could do it, they would. So look for the root of the problem. Sometimes the teacher will help, and sometimes not. If you can't get into the classroom, simulate it at home. And then sit down and talk to your child to discover what's up. Look for the pattern of behavior first. For example, you notice that he balks at reading. Tell him, I notice that whenever it's time to read, you don't want to. What's up with that? Is there something about reading that makes you uncomfortable in your eyes? Again, you're the detective. My own son had a vision problem and couldn't read until it was addressed. He didn't have proper depth perception. He also has handwriting difficulties because of lack of fine motor skills. And he cannot screen excess classroom noise. The clue to me as an outside reader is that things were okay before but now they are not. You will need to discover what change has occurred in specific language that will bring you and your son to the place where you find the reason behind his behavior. Your son may have developmental delays. Remember: you as Mom are this child's most important ally and advocate. Help him on his path. Good luck.

A.,
When it's time for my son to read, I read. We both get out our own books and read. We often will end up reading a lot longer than he has to. If my baby is fussy and I can't read he reads to me out loud, so that I am still participating. Then we talk about the story, and I point out everything that could be exciting. We did this in 1st and 2nd grade. Now he enjoys reading, he reads for homework and then we read before bed with the whole family. So he reads about 45-60 min a day and reading above a 4th grade level. Just make sure you have books that are interesting to him. As for the other homework the rule has always been homework before ANY playing. No questions asked. He doesn't even ask to do anything until his homework is done. I have let him know his number one priority is school, once done then he's free to play. It's a clear guideline and we NEVER stray from it. Then on Friday (no homework day) he is excited because that's the one day he is free to play right after school.
As for not behaving as school (my son gets in trouble for talking)- if he doesn't behave at school there is no play because school comes first. But, we don't send him away from the family to his room. I want him to be around me because kids can pick weird times to tell you something, and I want to be there incase he I always ask what happened at school and if someone got in trouble (him or someone else) we talk about why it was bad.
Sorry I went on so long the point is try to make school as exciting as you can and participate as much as you can..... good luck school should be fun.

Hello there
I had a similar problem with my son last year in Kindergarten. but he whinned about homework and was great at school. I had read in a book that sometimes instead of punishing we should reward them (in a long term way). Giving them a light at the end of the tunnel sort of thing! well we made a deal with him that if he could come home and do his homework without whinning or arguing that we would get him a Wii at the end of the school year. ( I really wanted him to have the wii) otherwise it would have been something smaller. so i took an add that had a picture of the wii on it and hung it on the fridge to remind him of what was to come if he behaved. maybe you could tape his reward to his notebook? set a time frame for his behavior and of course they cant be perfect all the time so we gave our sone 3 strikes before he would not get his reward. Well i hope this idea helps.
Good luck

Your son is probably bored. My suggestion would be to as developmentally appropriate as possible that getting your homework done is just something that you have got to do as part of the "school game" and there are plenty of things that you and your husband do that you don't like to do but have to be done because that's just life. Additionally, I would ask him what he's interested in and seek out ways to do at home learning on those subjects. Say he is into construction equipment and big trucks, well tell him if he just hangs in there and does what he has to do at school, you will help him do some fun learning on construction stuff. You could take him to a worksite or one of the large equipment yards for a field trip one day, then go to eh library another day and check out some books and videos on the subject another day. There are also all sorts of on-line resources for activity sheets and coloring pages as well.

Boys who are very intelligent get bored at school easily. I raised three sons - so far, two of them have graduated from college on full academic scholarships - but keeping them challenged in school was a full time job. I would suggest that you ask his teacher to offer him more challenging work, something different than what the other kids get, and see that he is tested for whatever gifted program the school offers. Unfortunately, most public schools concentrate on the kids who need special help because they aren't as smart instead of seeing the value of kids who are above average. We found that, in the cases of all our boys, public primary and middle schools don't care enough to do anything but try to fit them into a little box so they can brainwash and control them. It's up to you to take the initiative and start now to see that he is provided with the best alternatives. Some charter schools can be a wonderful influence because they offer more than the public schools are funded to anymore. They have language (second) and music and art which are pretty much cut out of most public school curriculum anymore. If your son has more interesting things to do and is allowed to be a free thinker, he might be happier and more productive. Best of luck.

Please have him tested - and push for it if necessary. Quite a few school districts have programs for gifted students, in our area. When I was in the program, they would pull the kids out once a week from their regular class, and put them into a gifted class. They would also do special field trips, etc. By field trips, I don't mean the ones just to waste time - our class was the entire crew for a clipper ship. Good luck!!

Hi A. J,

My 7 year old daughter has similar issues. It could be that they are bored with class lessons, or that they are distracted too easily. whichever the case is no excuse for skirting responsibility & not having a positive attitude.

I purchased a book, Love and Logic, and it has the best suggestions in how to get our kids to take action of their own responsibilities. I'd flip through it right now to read you some suggestions that have helped me, but I lent it to my girlfriend. One thing is to never give more help with their homework more than they're giving at the moment. I tell my daughter that I have an hour to sit down with her & help, and during that hour if she whines and gets distracted I don't nag, instead once the hour is done, however much homework we did together gets turned in. It's not ours, we've already done our schooling, it's theirs, and they need to claim responsibility for it.

Consequences for not doing homework or misbehaving in school are simple things like "I only give treats/t.v. time/etc to children who do their homework/are positive/do their chores" and then if they argue, say "I love you too much to argue with you, I hope it all works out for you." That way they can't be upset with anyone else besides themselves for not completing what's been asked of them. If you nag, you're owning part of their responsibility. If you lecture, then again, it's brought back to you that it's partly your responsibility because you've become so upset about it. There's nothing wrong with being a broken record and saying "I love you too much to argue" over and over again. My kids (7, 10, & 14) know to drop it when I say this because that's all they're going to get out of me instead of an argument. Good luck and hope this was helpful.

-A. A.

Well, I have 2 boys 9 & 10 1/2 and 2 girls 6 & 3. When my oldest started school at the age of 6, we ran into the same problems. It really started affecting his self-esteem. At the age of 6 he was saying things like "I'm stupid, I'm the dumbest kid in my class" I knew he was smart, he just couldn't sit still long enough to realize it. After that year of school, we began homeschooling. This has been our solution and has been so good for all my kids. Boys are so much more active than girls and it's just simply harder for them to sit still in a classroom for 6 hours a day. At home, we are able to take breaks and pace our work according to our energy for the day. I know that there are many working parents out there and this is not an option, maybe a montessori school setting would be better suited for your son. In this case, he can move around a little bit more and if his work is too easy for him, he can do something a bit more challenging at his own pace. I feel like in our public school system, there is one form of teaching and one way they form the classrooms and it simply does not suit the needs of our children. There are those one-in-a-million teachers that try their best to accomodate the needs of our active children, but we only come by them once in a while. In the meantime, we have to form our children to fit in to the school-world instead of the school-world fitting the needs of our children so that they can flourish. Good luck with things, being a parent is the hardest, most thankless job, yet the most important job of all! A.

Sounds like you have a lot of good suggestions already. I would add that with my daughter we had success with two changes. We started having her do her homework before school and we did a reward chart. I made a picture of bubbles and a bath. She needed to accumulate 6 bubbles to get a bubble bath that week. I made bubbles 1-5 yellow and 6-8 purple. When she had achieved purple bubbles she got a bubble bath. I used it for more than just homework (practicing the piano, etc). She really loved it.

Another thing we have done with our kids is we let them play on our Wii for 2 games a night if they follow the four basic rules of our house:
1) Obey mommy and daddy
2) Be a peacemaker
3) Use kind words
4) Do your chores when asked

I have found that when they get resistant, I remind them of their reward and they often self-correct.

There are other things that I feel contribute to my kids' success, reading with them, letting them chill out after they get home from school, not letting them watch too much TV, etc but I see that most of those have already been suggested.

Good luck!

Hi A. -

I just wanted to share a thought with you. As a working mother, if you don't complete all your work in a day, do you come straight home, eat dinner and put yourself to bed?

Of course you don't. There are other things that you need to get done - right?

For a child, a day at school is the same as a day at work for an adult. Some days are better than others, some work comes easier than others and some days you just don't feel like doing a darn thing.

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you wanted to turn around and go the other way? Or, been introduced to a person and felt like you don't want anything to do with them?
Because every body is a walking energy field, that energy is reflected outwards into space. When we enter the space of someone who is angry, sad or just plain mean - we can feel those same emotions. Sometimes a person will even begin to act differently (reflective actions) and may not even know why.

The same thing happens to children and most haven't developed the skills to not be influenced by the energy of others around them. In a class room setting, children are being bombarded with both positive and negative energy from all the other kids in the class room, as well as from the teacher.

Cut your son some slack - and yourself some too. Talk to him, face to face, and ask him what is or was going on in the classroom on the days these behaviors are observed. If you ever want to know what's going on around you, watch the children - they are literally little mirrors that will reflect the emotions of those around them.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

M. M. Ernsberger
Children & Family Life Coach
www.hypno4kids.com

has anyone brought having him tested. He could be extremely bright and bored or struggling with a Learning Disorder. Either way would be immensley frustrating for a 6 year old who clearly sees he is different from other kids. It would be worth making sure he doesn't fall any at extremes before considering punishment/reward. If he is not responding to punishment/reinforcement then, clearly, it is a deeper issue.
Good luck and good job for picking up on your sons distress.

I'm a member of www.FLYlady.com, which really helps me keep my house clean and keep routines and have a healthy attitude towards it all. It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children to keep track of their homework, chores, etc, on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...

Also check out her homepage flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.

Flylady is an advocate of her colleague's website, www.housefairy.org, which is a website to help motivate and encourage children to clean their rooms. On the website there's a video of The Housefairy where she talks to your kids and tells them she's going to stop by unexpectedly every once in awhile and check on their rooms and see if they've been cleaning it like their parents have asked and leave little notes and rewards if they have. The website also helps give you ideas on how to make a game out of cleaning, and turn it into a positive experience so they can develop good habits for life. Praise and rewards are usually bigger incentives than punishment, and much more positive and help their self-esteem. In fact, while studying for his Master's in Business, my husband learned that people performed better with the incentive of receiving recognition and praise than they did with the motivation of monetary rewards in the workplace. You can plan family activities as rewards, doing what she wants, which she most likely prefers over material things, plus it sends a better message. The housefairy.org website has a LONG list of incentive ideas, posted by other parents.

Good luck! Be firm and make sure there are consequences, both positive and negative, for their behavior. Consistency pays off. I am a BIG advocate of the Love and Logic parenting style of letting your children suffer the natural consequences of their choices and enforcing limits, but doing so in a loving, empathetic way. Love and Logic also stresses the importance of reinforcing a warm parent/child relationship by being involved and spending time together. They offer awesome parenting classes that I strongly encourage taking (www.keriparentcoach.com is their excellent local instructor here in AZ), have some great books ("Parenting with Love and Logic"), and DVDs and CDs. Check them out at the library or purchase at www.loveandlogic.com When I attended the parenting classes it became apparent that this approach to parenting is very similar to how I was raised, and I really appreciate my upbringing and always had a fantastic relationship with my mom, even during my teenage years. My mom recommends "The Parents Handbook," by Don Dinkmeyer, also known as the Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) Handbook. Also, "For the Love of Children" is great.

Hi A.,

I am a former teacher, and this is my experience with bright children who start to slack off and misbehave. He's Bored! Have him tested, either by the school psychologist or at your nearest university. He may have a learning disability (which does not mean he is not intelligent), or he may be gifted in some area(s) or both. Start with a Parent-teacher conference with the principal present and insist on having him seen by the school psychgologist. You will be helping your son, yourself, and his teacher, believe me. If all his results are that he is "normal," the problem may be originating with something that happened at school or with something going on at home.
K.

So many good responses! I have a 7 year old very bright child who is "classic" gifted in that all small problems are huge! I recommend testing for gifted and learning disablilities. We ended up putting Tyler on a behavior plan that puts him in charge of his behavior and lets us quit nagging and yelling. Basically he gets tally marks for noncompliance, disrespect, and missed responsibilities. When he reaches a certain number of tallies (set in advance) he looses a set privalege. When he gets less than a set number he gets a sicker for the day. Four sickers gives a reward. It is a great system that has worked wonders with a strong willed very bright child. If you want more info please email me @ ____@____.com Luck and stay with it.
M. B.

Hi A.,

It may be that he's board. If he's really intelligent, doing more of what he already knows will be daunting for him. Find out what learning style works best for him and see if his teacher can incorporate more of that style into the class. For example, if he's very tactical, using fun objects to learn math skills may work better for him.

BTW, this is what bothers me about the public school system. They expect all children to do the work the same way. Doing this actually stifles children's creativity and can actually cause the creative side of the brain to stop working as effectively. Varying learning styles in the classroom expands children's ability to learn.

Best of luck to you! :)

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven