Problems at Preschool

Hi. I am so sorry you are having this trouble.

I am a former school teacher and based on your story my advice would be to arrive at the school unannounced and observe the class. The daycare my daughter attends has an open door policy. You may aslo want to read the school's handbook so you know your rights as a parent. If there is another teacher available, you may want to ask for your child to be moved to another class. Finally, I do strongly suggest you refrain from speaking to other parents about the situation. I have seen well-meaning parents get reputations for being "difficult" because the parents they speak to aren't as trustworthy as they originally thought.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

You know your child better than anyone else. I am positive its the teacher. I would be worried of labelling such a young child with the evaluation. Try another class room/school first. If there still seems to be a problem then seek a third party opinion. I wish you lots of luck. T.

P.,

I would change schools as soon as possible, but not before I told them a ear full. There are teachers that single out kids especially if they have a favorite and your child did something to that child. I have seen it working in daycare myself. If your child is doing well at home and else where I would just let that school go and stay behind me.
I have a19yr old and 6yr old and 18months when my 6yr old was 4 I put her in mothers day out she was very clingy to me and she would cry most of the day Everytime I went in and came to pick up the teacher would always be negative. My daughter told me they called her baby and teased her that she needed a pacifier bottle and diaper needless to say that was the last day she was there. If we dont show our kids we are there to standup for them they want ever trust that we will. She is now in first grade and doing fine and she knows Mommy will take care of things. You know in your heart what your child can do so dont let anyone tell you different. I know what kind of teacher Jenna can handle and she is a very nervous child and she needs a soft but firm taecher she couldnt have a loud teacher and I Make sure of that. I hope you search your heart and do what you know is right. Let youe son be happy

Praying for you,

L.

P.,

Please know that you are not alone. Many, many parents are going through exactly what you are, my husband and I included. I could have written your request for help, word for word, and in fact I did to my friends and family in many emails. Your son sounds EXACTLY like our now 5-year old son. Our son is very bright and intelligent and knew all of his colors, numbers, letters, etc, very early. He was a very easy-going boy who talked easily with adults (such as when we are out shopping, like you mentioned), and who only started to have problems when he started preschool, when he was 3. He literally had not had any issues until after he started being with his peers for such extended periods. We were very confused and could not understand why he was acting so impulsively and defiantly, and also to our horror started hitting the other children in his class. His teacher was wonderful, fortunately, and told us that the main problem was his lack of social skills. After trying several different tactics, including tranferring him to another school with a smaller class, we finally decided to get him evaluated this past May, when he was 4. Our biggest worry was that he might be labeled, as several people who have posted have mentioned. In the end, we are so, so, so thankful that we had him evaluated because we realize sooner or later he would be labeled by his peers and especially by his teachers -- and it probably wouldn't be anything nice. He might have turned into the 'problem' child, if we hadn't had him evaluated and diagnosed, because now we have been able to directly address his issues and work on early interventions that already are making a significant difference. His early diagnosis was the best thing that could have happened to us -- and especially for our son's benefit, because now he has an excellent prognosis.

I don't want to scare you with our son's diagnosis; on the contrary I want it to reassure you that things could be much worse and that our son's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome is actually a gift. If you know how someone with AS, as it is called, operates, and if you educate yourself and the people who deal directly with your son, he can and most likely will have a wonderful, full life. I'm not here to diagnose your son. I am only writing to you to let you know that you're not alone in your experience, and that you can take steps to make your experence a positive one. You have to be your son's advocate. He depends on you to make the right choices for him at this age, and with help you will be able to make those choices.

First, I would highly recommend an evaluation for your son. We opted to go through our pediatrician (who gave us a referral to a child psychologist) instead of through the county school system. Once we had a diagnosis, we read about AS everyday until we felt like we really had a good feel of what it was all about. I would very highly recommend checking out the OASIS (Online Asperger Syndrome Information & Support) which has a huge amount of helpful information. I would definitely urge you to read a great article titled, "Asperger Syndrome" by Stephen Bauer, M.D., M.P.H, which you can find on the OASIS site under 'papers and articles.' The section titled, 'the preschool child' in his paper describes our son -- and it sounds like yours, also -- to a 'T.'

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/

Also, the information about AS given by Wikipedia, although somewhat technical, is valuable as well:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome

If you feel that your son is experiencing undue stress in his present class, you might want to consider withdrawing him until the evaluation is complete and you know what you're dealing with. If the evaluation doesn't turn anything up, or you don't come away with a diagnosis, I would still recommend transferring him to either another teacher at that school, if you feel he will benefit from that, or finding another preschool setting for him. His present teacher does not sound like the kind of nurturing person your son needs right now.

We were helped by a couple with a son with AS, who told us all they wanted to do was to help us the same way they were helped when their son was dianosed. Well, P., I feel the same way. All I want to do is help you in any way I can, even if that means just telling you you're not alone in your struggles.

Our son is now in a special needs pre-K with a fantastic teacher and he is flourishing with all of the great tools they have to teach him with. Like your son, he is very intelligent and relates well with adults, but around his peers he lacks the skills to be able to read non-verbal body language and to be able to carry on appropriate conversation skills. We have been told by many people -- the child psychologist, the school administrators, and his teachers -- that he will most surely be able to be in a 'regular' Kindergarten class next year, because by then he will have learned a lot of the skills he needs to function in a larger setting (right now his class has only 6 kids in it).

P., please feel free to contact me via email with any questions or concerns. I would be happy to talk with you on the phone, also. I hope I have alleviated some of your fears and worries, and even though I have probably said things that you aren't ready to hear, I know EXACTLY how that feels because that's exactly where I was earlier this year. We never want to hear that there might be something 'wrong' with our children, but if we realize that it's not something that our children are doing on purpose, and not something that we are doing 'wrong' as parents, that it is a neurological disorder that is treatable, then we have made the first step in helping them deal with this gift called AS.

Good luck, and let me know how you're doing.
J.

I would not send him back there again. I would immediately look for a new school and do not tell the new school what the teacher said because they may have something to watch for. I would just say you were not happy there and leave it at that. Good luck. You will find a good school!

K.

Hi P.,
This situation with your child definitely sounds upsetting. However, what if your child does have a small, almost undetectable, developmental issues...such as sensory integration dysfunction. I know it is hard to sit back and allow your child to go through this treatment. This teacher may be seeing something that is not completely detectable by others.

I speak from experience. Both my son and daughter were diagnosed with developmental disabilities. My son has a form of Autism (high functioning) and both of the children have sensory processing disorder. It was really hard for my husband to accept this more than me.

Please make a list of positives and negatives involving this evalutation. More than likely the positives will out weigh the negatives. If nothing comes from the evaluation, then great - move your son from under this teacher. However, the chance that a hard to detect developmental disorder could be detected would save your child years of struggle, if undiagnosed.

My advise is to have the evaluation,pray for patience/endurance, and wait.....

Best wishes on this.

Sincerely,

C. Palmer
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This entire story bothers me. I am now in my 10th year of teaching. I teach kindergarten/1st grade. I can't imagine calling a parent the first day to let them know that their child had "issues". With this age you have to allow a period of time for them to become adjusted. I have a 4yr old son as well. He started prek this year. Your description of how you view your child sounds very much like my son. I would change his class or school. This purely sounds like a teacher issue.

Good luck.

P.,

I say listen to your gut, your inner mommy. If you aren't having these problems with him at home or anywhere else, then remove your child and find someone who can nuture him proplerly!

It sounds to me like you have made an honest evaluation of the situation and have nothing to be concrned with.

P., I think that you should not continue with the evaluation....it sounds like he doesn't need any intervention. I would also discontinue the daily behavior chart. If you continue to have questions about the teacher's attitude toward your son, consult with the director and perhaps change his class (I don't know if there are other 4-year-old classes at the school). Usually, with older children I tell parents (I am a former teacher of 11 years, now a SAHM)that they will have conflicts with teachers as they go through their school career, and they will have to learn to work with them. HOWEVER, your child is just beginning his school career, and it is too important to not get off on a good foot. If speaking with the director is not an option for you, I would agree with the previous poster--change schools!

You do NOT have to have this eval done if you don't want to. Schools make parents feel they HAVE to do what schools tell them. I would NOT have a child in special ed because of behavior problems. I have heard too many times that schools only use the 'behavior' against them and make them worse. They put the children in behavior rooms with other kids who have worse behaviors, and makes your child even worse.
You can revoke your consent to this eval in writing and they will have to stop it.

Hi. I was wondering if there are any alternatives to the pre-school program your child is in. I have had the same thing happen to one of my children and when I put her in another pre-school program, she was fine. I think it was a problem with the teacher.

I'm just a SAHM of 6 & 4 yr old boys ans 18 & 1 month old girls, but this story bothers me too. If the school is a public school and the evaluation is free, what would it hurt to get a third party opinion? Otherwise, cancel it. I agree that this sounds like a problem with the teacher. Can you talk to the principal/headmaster? Explain that your child's personality doesn't blend well with his teacher and you'd like to change classes.

I think the teacher need to be checked out she aint doing her job

Hi P.,
Being a professional in the Early Childhood Field i would like to give you some advice,
I think your teacher is not trained in the field of preschool and maybe you should look into talking to her director or finding a new school. any four year who has been at home with mom since birth is going to need time for adjustment. it is a big change it seems that his teacher is not familiar with that concept and has no knowledge of child development. it is not a good pratice for a teacher to give negatives everyday as well as complain about children to parents
if there is a real issue that the child is hurting thmeself or others was usually the only time i ever had to talk to a parent. maybe this teacher needs some workshop hours on transitions and classroom management and if not that maybe just a simple lesson on the sandwich approach about talking to parents.
i suggest talk to director and if that is not any help look at other schools.
one other thought is hopefully the school has an open door policy so maybe you could just pop in and stay for awhile see how many activities she has planned a good rule is she should have the children in centers and interacting with them not just watching them in the centers. does she use positive reinforcement? does she let them make most of their choices or at least give them choices? are they free to create using markers, paint, glue and plain paper?
your child may be getting bored maybe she does not have varing levels of difficulty items for him. he may need a challange such as harder puzzles or smaller craft items or games such as candyland, if she has out to many easy manipulatives he may just get bored a good teacher would see this and adjust

anymore ?? please ask i hope i could help a little
R.
also if you do have him evaluated he should be assessec in all situations at home and school the assessor will be able to fill the link between the two

I agree with the previous posters and say take your son out of her class or change schools. It is very important that your son enjoy school now, not dread going every day at only 4 years old. You want him to be excited about learning now because soon enough they start to dislike it on their own, no matter how great the teacher is. It sounds like your son is very smart and a good boy, find a school where he will flourish.

P., It sounds like you are having a tough time! I would definitely not act on the results of the special education evaluation without getting a second, independent evaluation. It seems you have several reasons to doubt this teacher's professional opinion, and indeed, it is just that: an opinion. Trust your gut, and be your son's advocate. You are doing the right thing, working with the teacher, and not dismissing her completely. See what the results of the exam are (but do not pay for such an evaluation). Hope this helps!
V. P

Hello- I have been a teacher for 7 years with this age. My advice is to change schools and do not mention the problems you have had. See what happens there. Sounds like it very well could be the teacher. I wouldn't want my son in a class like that. Eventually it will hurt his self esteem.
good luck-

L.

Kudos to Susan E.!!!!! My sentiments exactly!!!

Good luck!

B. A.

I would pull him from the class. just that simple.

if I were in your shoes, I would agree to have the evaluation; however, I would also begin looking for a differet daycare. It may be that your son has gotten on her bad side, and it may be too difficult to change that, and therefore, all the negative will be seen and little positive. Can you change teachers? Schools expect too much from kids....he IS ONLY 4!!!! If her were 7 maybe, but he is not. pre-school/ daycare... nowadays, what's the difference?
Good Luck

Talk with school administration right away! Go ahead with the evaluation if it's not going to be costly just so you have confirmation of your thoughts that all is well. Without getting into gossipping about the teacher put out feelers to see what reaction other parents are having. If other parents feel similarly, kindly let the administration know. If not, it may be a personallity conflict. My gifted 9 year old made several C's last year, this year she is back to high A's. The problem was a plain and simple personality clash. If the administration won't intervene, ask for your son to be moved. If they won't do this it would be better to keep him at home than to let his first taste of "school" be a bad one. A bad teacher early on can set the course for a child's entire attitude about school.

P., I work with preschool age children as a counselor and I will tell you that though it is getting better, there are still many teachers far too quick to jump to the conclusion a child is "ADD" or "ADHD" in my professional opinion. From what you write and from my years of experience I can advise that you hold off on the evaluation. He is 4 and it is developmentally normal to have a certain degree of impulsivity at this age. Wait until he is in first or second grade and if there are consistent reported concerns that he is having trouble performing academically due to such behaviors, then seek some further professional guidance. Celebrate your child's lively spirit and coach him gently and lovingly on how to do certain things. Sounds like you have handled this beautifully asking the teacher for positives. When she focuses on the negatives, smile, thank her for the information and then ask, "And what do you see that you admire and are pleased with in my son?"

I had the same problem with my son who is 5 when he started kindergarten this year. I actually though I had raised the classroom 'troublemaker'. After almost a month and a half, my son is no longer going to time out everyday. We are still working on him finishing his work.

First I would suggest a different preschool before you go through the heart ache. head ache and mental anguish of the evaluation. If you get the same results, you might want to try being firm with him, make it clear that his actions hat preschool will have consequences at home...for example...
every day that my son was put in time out, I took his hour of cartoons away. If it were something more serious, I would take going to his cousins house for the night.
However small the achievement at school, make sure to reward him with words of praise "i'm proud of you", make a really big deal out of it. If he goes 3 days or more w/o any issues, do something special that he likes. If he goes a week, take him to the movies or something very very awesome.

Too often educators want to blame some kind of mental disorder for the reason our kids behave. They want them put on drugs etc. They've forgotten that children were born to be children, not adults. Afterall, your precious little boy is ONLY 4 YEARS OLD>>> Hang in there. It will get better.
K.