Problem with Husband

Well my husband golfs in a work golf league every wednesday nite but is home by 6:30pm. He goes to the gym every saturday & sunday morning. My husband doesn't have a lot of friends. I think your husband needs a wake up call. This behavior is wrong! He is neglecting you and the children. This is not going to change unless you FORCE him to.....BUT do you want to force him to be a father/husband?

I am so sorry you are suffering!

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Wow, i'm really sorry. I know this may sound a bit out there, but do you think there is a possibility that your husband is gay? The fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with his wife and does want to see a single guy, his a little alarming to me. Not to make you feel bad, but my husband does everything in his power to be able to spend time with me and the kids. When he does go out with his friends, he always feels guilty about it.
I hope the therapy helps you both.

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The hanging out all depends on who your husband is as a man and how strong your marriage is. For example, this hanging out behavior in some men is very common in the early stages of marriage. Both of you are still trying to feel each other out and working out the rules and regulations of marriage and the men actually have to remind themselves that they have a second half they need to consult with. This behavior usually stops by the 3rd year of marriage when you've settled into a rhythm and understand each others needs better. It has been my experience, that the hanging out occurs when your hubby has issues he does not care to address or confront. At one point, my husband was out of work and it was as if he was 18 again. This went on for about 3 months and it got ugly. I like yourself, lost it and had to sit him down and have an extended talk with him. He got himself together and got a job and all went back to normal. Men in general, I have noticed, need that down time. They are not built like us women who can handle and juggle a multitude of things, have a good cry or great workout and move on. They need to bond with their "buddies" and share testosterone over a beer. I have been with my husband for 25 years, married for 11. I have come to know when he needs a night out with the boys, and when he doesn't and I pick my battles wisely. Now in your case, you've been together long enough and you have seeked counseling and it isn't working. You have to say all you are feeling from the heart and if you have already, perhaps you should consider your options. You cannot change a man. If he does not want to fill the role of daddy, you will not be able to change that. He has to want it in his heart and understand the importance of this role. If he doesn't "get it" now, he might not ever get it. You have to consider.....do you love him enough to work it through or as the woman who knows your man best, is there hope or is it hopeless. You are the only one that can make this decision as you are the one who knows him best. The fact that his buddy is single, never helps. The buddy will never understand the married life and may offer useless or heartless advice. Your hubby may also have a desire to be the single buddy or long to be the single buddy due to the problems at home. Do what is best for you and your children. Good luck to you D..

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I don't think once a week out is excessive. Once a week ALL DAY on Saturday if that is one of his only 2 days off work IS.

You should also get a few hours a week where you are allowed to go out without him and the kids. 1 day or night of 3-5 hours per parent of alone/friend time should help. Or two nights out of 2-3 hours each.

I don't think cutting friends out of either one of your lives is what you need, but him not being around all day on the weekend, every weekend is too much.

I know some of the ladies are saying they spend all their time with their spouses. I don't. I married him, I didn't ACTUALLY tie myself to him. And while I LOVE being with him, we BOTH need space sometimes and a place to be with friends and vent about the frustrations of the week.

And we both should have it.

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Hi D.
I am sorry for the problem. Two Questions.
How much time did he spend with his guy friend while you were dating? and How much time does he give you to be with your girl friends?
That said your question was how much time do husbands spend away from wives. My husband of nearly 40 years goes to work. Comes home and spends the rest of the time with me, our children, and in our home. I am a SAHM, who homeschooled our girls that graduated from High School this year. Beyond homeschooling, I spend all my time at home with my husband. Never did my husband think he should go off, he married me to spend time with me. That is what I expected. We were married when I was 20, had our first at 21, and had our last(twins) when I was 40, yup shortly before our 20th wedding anniversary.
Probably that isn't what you wanted to hear but those are the facts. I married my childhood sweetheart, who has loved me through thick and thin.
God bless you and your family

You know what the real answer is .
Gratitude. Thankfulness. Grace.
When the relationship is new . we are grateful. when he goes to his friends house he is grateful to have his buddy. we go where we are celebrated. He may be overwhelmed with a wife and 2 kids also.. and spends the time with his single friend ... as a stress reliever. Men dont complain like women .. it shows in other ways. Listen I could bash along with you .. it just wont really help at all.
This is a tough time .. be grateful. he is there to get them up .. there to put them to bed.. there so you dont sleep by yourself .. there to pass the salt :) .. please be thankful that he is there to cook the food.
And bet it never dawned on you that he is asleep in 15 minutes because .. he is not only tired, but a rest with you. You can be grateful that he has a friend nearby ...
Change your confession. You are so lucky you dont have to get your son up too... so lucky you dont have to put him to bed.. you husband already did. your so lucky you not only have a dinner to eat but somebody to cook it ... ok in front of the tv.. so lucky that it is not a tv dinner... you are so lucky .... Think of all of the things you dont have to do you dont have to do. Take a night for yourself. Wednesday and get a pedicure ..or meet a friend. Plan it every week .. look forward to it like he does. Things can change. Start a gratitude journal... you see the more grateful we are the more we are blessed. So I thank you because someone told me to do that once and I didnt and I will start today because of you, and hopefully with you.

Hi D., It seems a shame that you two have been together for 15 years and now he has a case of the grass is greener. I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging out with his friend but the whole day?? Is he having trouble with the responsibility of being a father? I know you can't force him to do or not do but something is wrong with this picture. Have you asked him what he is thinking or is it possible his friend is saying "show me what a good friend you are and stay with me the whole day" I guess I'm not much help. Let's see what the others say. Good wishes, Grandma Mary

D. - My husband rarely goes out w/ his buddies BECAUSE he takes his family life so seriously. I tell him to go out w/ them! He maybe goes out w/ his buddies once every 6 mths or so....

Trust me - he WANTS to but there's just such little time w/ his work and how much time that he WANTS to dedicate to our 3 yr old girl.

I know that I am VERY LUCKY to have a husband like that.

But I would say for your husband - once a MTH would be acceptable for me to deal with my husband going out w/ his guy friend's. But every single weekend??? That's really too much, and I'm sure everyone that responds to you woill agree.

I'm a big fan of letting your husband do whatever he wants and trying not to stifle his style. I know that doing that keeps your husband a lot "happier" in the relationship. (Believe me though - I secretly cringe over the amount of free time that my husband plays video games on his Playstation 3 ......but I try to not nag him about it though or say anything about it outloud....).

You need to put your foot down or give him an ultimatum or even demand that you get to go out by yourself (or with your friends) every other week! He gets 2 days a mth and so do you!

Once a YEAR my husband goes to some car race at a local fairground here...he meets up with some friends (all married with children) and they are all home by 9 or so at night.

Your husbands behavior is something I personally would never tolerate. Maybe invite some couples over for a dinner and develop friendships with other people who have similiar responsibilities.

Counseling is a must...keep at it.
Best wishes to you...
J.

My husband rarely goes out with his friends alone. He is gone for work so much that when he is off, he doesn't want to be anywhere but with the family. I hate to say it but are you sure he's only off with this guy friend? It sounds like he has an issue with responsibility and is longing for his bachelor days with his behavior. I would just be cautious that there isn't anything else going on.

What does he say during counceling?

I'm sorry. I'd have a huge problem with this but I wouldn't want him home more because I was upset about it. I would be more angry he isn't choosing us on his own.

L.

We get so caught up in raising our kids we forget about taking care of ourselves and our needs, and we resent our husbands because they still look out for themselves first and think of everyone else's needs second (if at all).

Maybe, as far as family day goes, you need to make that "dad and kids day". Do you have any friends you could spend the day with to give him a sense of the responsibility required for raising a family? You say he and his friend aren't out at the bar or anything, but either he's out way too late, or they're drinking too much when they go out to dinner - there is no reason your husband should have to spend EVERY Sunday recuperating, his friend needs a new "wingman" - preferably a single one.

Also, plan a few family outings for those Sundays and make it clear he is to attend, go to the zoo, a park, the beach, whatever the kids will like, schedule it ahead of time, and make it clear that your husband needs to attend. It would be even better if you could include him in the whole process, tell him "now that it's summer, I want to plan a few fun activities for us and the kids, is there anywhere you'd like to go" - don't limit yourself to Sunday either, Saturdays are fair game too.

I would say he can either spend some daytime hours or some nighttime hours with his friend, not the whole day every Saturday - either that or join him, kids in tow, or better yet, get a babysitter and go out to dinner with them (not as good as a datenight with just you and your husband - which maybe you should suggest as well - break up that Saturday routine!!!) If he has problems with any of these options, then I'd want to know if there was something more going on. Don't try to end his relationship with his friend, just make sure he knows it's important that he find ways to spend time with you too.

I'd say give the counseling some time to work, hopefully he is actively participating and not counting the seconds until it ends. He is giving you some support, but obviously there's room for improvement.

It's definitely time for a babysitter and some dates between you and your husband - the two of you need to have fun again and reconnect, at least once a month.

Best wishes

Hi D.
well my husband and i have been married for 2 12/ years and togehter for 8 years we have 2 boys one is 10 and the other is 19 months. He spends all his time at work he gets up at 6:30 am comes home at 8: pm spends 1/2 hour with the boys and then goes to the gym by the time he comes home the boys are in bed. On his days off he goes out to fix his car and that just bothers me. So what i did was i had a break down and explained to him that although my job is not as stressful as his i need time to myself and that him being the dad he has to step up and give me time to myself and that on saturday nights he must be home at a resonable hour so we can have some time together. Break downs useally work well with my husband

Dear D.,

Even though it's clear that your husband is taking time away from you and your kids to spend time with his friend, it might be really helpful for you to separate the issues when talking with him.

In other words, have you tried saying "I really need you to be a husband to me and a father to the kids, and that means coming home at X time every night, sitting down for a family dinner, and playing with the kids."

If your husband really prioritized being a husband and dad six days out of the week, maybe it wouldn't be as hard (though I'm sure it'd still be frustrating for you -- it would for me) to give him up for the seventh. And from his perspective, maybe it'd be easier for him to throw himself into partnering and parenting if he didn't think it meant giving up his friendship with this guy.

Hope this helps,

Mira

Hi Diana,
I think that all relationships need a little space. I also think that once a week out with his guy friend alone is not excessive as long as you too are allowed one night a week out with girlfriends. In your case it seems that weekends are more important for family time as opposed to week nights, so I would start by telling him, once a week is fine, as long as its a week night and that weekends are off limits. The thing that I find strange is his desire to spend so much time away from you. I don't want to assume anything but have you taken a good look at your relationship as husband and wife lately? Do the two of you make time for each other without the kids? Something to think about, best of luck to you!

A.

I was feeling like I was the only one who had a husband who had to go out every week! I have been married for 4.5 years, and we lived together for 2 before that.. We have been together since we were teenagers... This has been a constant battle for me since we moved in together.. Gradually it has gotten better. Before I had my baby we were down to 2 nights a week - it was Monday and Friday nights right after work and he didn't get home until LATE, but I tried to not make a big deal unless he came home tooo late or drunk.... (steady two nights was an improvement although i still hated it) We have had the same arguments and discussions thousands of times... When I got prego I was able to get it down to one night which was friday (card night)... and now since my daughter has been here (almost 8 mos) he is down to the one night, either mon or fri and no cards (except for a few times) and is home by 9ish... Sooo... its been a long road, and we still have had some battles... When my husband is home, he is a great daddy and hubby so I really try to let him have that night without lectures..
I am glad that he is willing to go to counselling and hopefully that will help you... I think you could comprimise and agree on a day or night where he can go out to unwind.. He should respect that and you. When he is around how helpful is he? I think that is important too.. He does need to make time for you and the kids. I thnk you should also take time for yourself once a week - I know its hard, I don't do it.. but let him watch the kids and go out with a friend, go shopping, or for a walk..
Good luck and I hope things can be worked out! I do know how you feel....

You are both seeing a counselor and there hasn't been change yet? Does you husband not know the seriousness of your feelings?
I agree that while you shouldn't be tied to each other, there should be a fair agreement on who does what & when and how much impact that will have on the commitment to the children & family time. For Example, If you both go out on Saturday night then you both should not be useless to the kids on Sunday (family day). Going out to enjoy other peoples company is great fun (dinner with the girl/guy friends). Going out super late (next morn) or getting heavily intoxicated to the point that you need a recovery day isn't fair to anyone. Some people need a night out, definitely parents need a weekly date with each other to reaffirm romantic feelings or keep the passion. If its your thing, arrangements to have a night out for intoxicating fun could be ok but maybe monthly rather then weekly, bills come fast each month I can't imagine that a month would be too long to wait for an all nighter with the girls/guys. Again, these things need serious discussion, he needs to know how serious you are.
Good Luck
PS- I do think Christina R had a very good response as well. If nothing changes then you decide from there where you want your life to go.

Do you know where he is going? Does he say why he has to spend so much time away? Does he recognize the fact that he needs to be part of the family? I went through something similar and said to my husband I am NOT a single parent. You need to participate too! Something to bring up at the next counseling session. I finally said if you dont want to be married let me know rather than drag it out. If you want to be a family then you have to participate. We are still married 30 years later , yes he did then start to participate You did not say if he was interactive with the children at other times...Hope for the best.

my husband spends little time with his guy friends. I'm not bragging or anything...just being honest with you. His two close friends are still single. We are in our 30's and have two great boys..ages 4 and 3. He will occasionally go out with them, but it's not often by any means. Maybe once in the past three months. I'm not saying this is normal either. It seems like once we had a family we spend more time with our friends who are on the same page as us. When he wants to go out with the guys...I welcome it. You're in a hard spot here. I wish I had some ground breaking advice, but my best advice is to set a limit on the amount of "guys time" he has. He probably will not like it, but what are your choices? You're kids are young so he can get away with more..but what's going to happen when they get involved in things or you want to have a family day. Life is too short. Good Luck and I wish you the best.

You have a lot of great responses, so i'll try not to echo too much from them - but i do think its great you're going to counseling - you don't say how long you've been going, if it's been a while and you still have these issues maybe a new counselor would be in order?
Some ladies say they have their husband spend all their time out of work at home. i don't think this is the best idea, i think its important to get some "friend" time and trying to take his friend away 100% will cause nothing but resentment, but i also (as just about every woman said) don't think a whole day once a week is fair too you and your children!! Going out once a month or every other week for dinner or an evening out is completely fair - but having 2 days off one of which he's away and the other is spent sleeping/recouping is sad. He should be scheduling the friend time around family time, not visa versa... Also YOU should have friend time and you should ask him why he doesn't feel that you deserve that!

Its sad that he made the commitment to marriage and family and is not seeing that through. It seems that he is trying to live vicariously through his single friend. but he made the decision and needs to work as a team with you. You are not a single parent. I like someone else's point that if you divorced him he'd have his children all by himself every other weekend and be even less able to have that "single" day - i'd mention that and see what he says!! Maybe he needs something to jolt him into reality and that comment just might. I'm sure he'd much rather have his whole family in one piece if it all boiled down.

You sound so sad and I'm sorry that it's so difficult. I think you already know the answer to your question.

While one does need friend time - this sounds more like he leads a double life.

Boy, oh boy, can I relate...my husband was like this before we got married and I guess I was too but now with kids I've changed gears and he really hasn't...I wish I had some miracle cure but I don't....I can however tell you've what I've done and although it's still not where I want it to be, it's better. The first thing I did was I stopped asking him to spend time with us(or go to sport events)...we just starting doing things without him and without inviting him... boy did that hit a nerve after awhile and when he asked why he wasn't invited to "family time" and my 5 year old told him because "you wouldn't want to come anyway dad..." he was hurt, he accused me of bad mouthing him to the kids which I did not do and never would...I just simply told my husband that I'm not missing out on them being young and the important stuff and if he wants to come he's welcome but that's up to him...he has actually started to go places with us more often now and went to all their wrestling matches this past year...he's even showed up at the mall when he knows I'm there with them...he still doesn't do everything but I've noticed that because I am outside playing with the boys he is more likely to join in. To be honest I think you have to comes to terms with it, if your husband wakes up in 15 years and realizes that he missed out, that's his problem, DON"T you miss out because you're waiting for him... As for every Saturday...my advice...make it every other Sat and you go out on your Saturdays, with your friends or shopping and make him be responsible for the kids(he may actually enjoy them and/or get a glimpse of the work side to caring for them)...as for his friend...have they always been like this? If the answer to that is yes, I wouldn't expect big change...maybe you could set the guy up? I did have to tell my husband when he was going out every weekend that he had a choice to make and he did, I am very happy he chose to stay with us and he is too...I know what you're going through and all I can say is don't stop what you need to do to be happy, he will either get with the program or not...you just have to decide what you are willing to settle with...because even if it gets better it will never be perfect...keep up the counseling! Best of luck!

Oh D....

I am so sorry for your situation. Certainly I know nothing about you and your husband, but what you describe doesn't sound anything like a partnership to me.

My husband works two jobs so that I can stay home and care for our 3 year old. If he's not at work, he's at home. Always. When we go out, it's together. All three of us, usually. I can count on one hand the number of times he's been out with friends without me since our son was born.

Something is not right if your husband is spending that much of his free time with anyone other than his family. What about your children? When does he play with them? When does he watch them grow up?

I can't imagine having to contemplate divorce, but if it's as bad as you describe, I think that's what I'd do. I'm really sorry. Whatever you decide, I hope you have support from friends and family.

Best wishes,

T.

Hi D., I can relate to you a little bit with having to "hang out" once a week. My husband and his bf hang out every Monday night. They take turns at each other's houses each week and I am ok with it because I know where he is (his friends house is just a few minutes away). Also, his friend IS married with a child. Sometimes, he'll want to stop over there for a few beers after work on other days too. I usually have something to do anyway. He has a funky work schedule because he is a restaurant manager. Having been in the restaurant business myself, I know when your shift is over, you tend to still be a bit 'wired'. So, when he gets out at 9 or 10pm, I'm pretty much wiped and he doesn't feel like 'relaxing'. The difference is, we have no kids (yet). I'm preg. with our first and when she comes, he will be having "guys night" at our house more, but it will probably have to be cut down to every other week or more. Your situation however, seems to go a lot deeper. And I feel for you. Sometimes, I would think that my husband doesn't want to be around (or hang out) with ME. That would hurt. But, if he is spending this much time away from home, than it sounds like he doesn't appreciate what he has at home. That is a long time to be with someone, and so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. He is even going to counciling and still not willing to change?? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it sounds like he's not commited to being a good father and husband. The children are suffering too. As far as advise goes...you can't go on like this forever. Something has got to give. This is not fair to you and your kids, and he is being selfish. Good luck. I hope this works out and he wakes up and realizes all that he can lose.

I have no doubt your friend is making your husband "remember the good ole' days" when he was carefree, and responsibility free, and I am willing to bet that is why he craves this time with him. I can't say I think it's the healthiest thing for him, or your relationship, and even more your children. I will assume that he works all week and the time he has to spend with his family is on the weekend? My husband has a handful of guy friends that he talks to, but he almost never hangs out with them. If anyone he will go out for a few beers wtih his Dad from time to time. What my husband does do, and I have to remind him from time to time about family time, is he plays online games, even still the time he plays in a week doesn't add up to what you are telling me your husband spends in a day away. Only you can decide if this is worth breaking up your marriage. I would think that if you thought about leaving him over this, then maybe there are other issues, because I would guess that this is just going to be a phase, and if he is willingly going to counceling than thats a step in the direction you want. If you want to be together that is.

My husband has been the same for years but he has numerous friends to go out with, concerts/bars(not so much these days)/and about two (2!) golf vacations with his buddies per year. Out of control! We have been separated 3x , not due to him going out w/friends but what he does with these so called friends. (my husband has a substance problem)Just remember these types of men will test you and try to get away with as much as you will tolerate. It's sad but I have to treat my husband as a child at times and put my foot down. I do not believe your husband is just hanging out at his single friends house ALL DAY. I smell a rat! YOU have to decide what you will tolerate and remember denial will only bite you in the butt at a future time. My husband and I are now in marital therapy but after years of issues my children are a little screwed up. You can not be the only one responsible for your family. It wears on you, believe me. Maybe you should consider counseling. Unfortunately he will not make the appt. so you will have to but at least you can say you are trying everything possible to help the marriage and your family. Then you can ask him to go or give him the old ultimatum. Also you are right, dinner should be family time. You make the dinner, you should be the one to decide where the family sits. That is one thing I have established for my family. We eat at the table and TV is OFF & We put music on low. And the advice offered about having time for yourself is so true. Make sure you take care of yourself, even if it's a pedicure once a week or just taking a bath and reading a good book (make your husband watch the kids for these times) Best of luck to you!

My husband has many friends in different circles. So hanging out with the different groups reqires some planing. He is really busy, and seems his friends are as well. It ususlly takes a while and a lot of effort for them to get together. On average he hangs out once every couple of months with each group. Though he usually schedules these for week nights, and never on the weekends. I think weekends are too precious to not have with the family. Also, none of these friends are single, so they are not so readily available either. we both work full time, and it's hard enough to find time to spend with each other. So it is understood if we have free time, it is first us then friends. As to your situation, I would say once a week is not that bad I just worry that it is from morning to night and not by you. Can you plan some dates for the two of you? Sometimes guys just don't want to do the planing. Also, you should start to plan some things for yourself. I think some men take advantage of the stay at home wives thinking they're the only ones that work. I think they don't realize what it takes to run a house with children. Maybe if he has to stay home with the kids while you go out, he'll have some idea of what you do. Also, why is this friend single?

Hey hun... I'm a SAHM of a 2 yr old. My hubby plays "Airsoft" usually 1x per week. From 8am, til around 5 or 6pm. If therapy isn't working, then maybe he isn't as "into" this marriage as he should be. I know if I were in your shoes, I'd be going bonkers! Maybe you need to "bone-up" and give him and ultimatum. You are a mom, and you need to do what's best for you and your kids. Tell him how you feel, and be honest, tell him it's because of this stupid friend. I don't know if I helped or not, but I wish you the best. I hope everything works out for you. Keep your chin up honey.

Hubby needs to grow up and be a husband and father first. I'm all for having quality time with friends. Have you tried to get together with your friends on saturdays and get a sitter for the kids. It works both ways...

Well, my husband doesn't really hang out or go out with friends at all. His weekend time is spend taking care of the house and being with the kids. I actually wish he'd spend some time with friends occasionally. But most of his friends are in the same boat too. Your husband's friend does not have the same responsibilities. I think that in your counselling, you and husband need to explore the ideas that your husband isn't his single friend, that he isnt' free of responsibility and doesn't get to pretend that for a full day every week, and that his friend needs to find some single guy friends like himself who have the freedom to spend their weekends out socializing. I think this is the time for your husband to ask himself the deathbed question - at the end of his life, will he be wishing he spent more time with his friend, or more time with his wife and children?

Be specific about your expectations so that there can be some sort of compromise. How much time do you think is reasonable for hubby to spend with friend? One weekend day and two evenings out a month? How much is hubby agreeable to settle for? And determine what you mean by him spending time with you. If, for example, you want two date nights a month, be specific about telling him that's what you want and who will set up the plans, hire the sitter, etc. If you want one or two all-day weekend family outings a month, tell him that is what you would like and expect.

Good luck!

Dear D., Unfortunately your husband and every other male like him out there has forgotten to grow up. Yes it's very important for the two of you to do things separately, and have your own time with your friends alone without each other. However, most men just don't seem to realize that doesn't include 90% of their time. If that's his only friend, he's clearly clinging to him. Especially since the guy is single. He doesn't have to share him with anyone. He's living the ever male "single forever", dream through his friend. I guarantee he's single in his mind too once he enters his friends presence. His friend is probably single for a reason, he's probably got no clue on how relationships are supposed to work. It's not 50-50, it's both have to give 100% on both ends in order to work. Your hubby isn't giving 100% when he chooses his friend over his family on a routine basis. Has he ever dumped a family event to spend time with his buddy? If not things may not be the worst they can get yet, just yet anyway. If you're in counseling together, try doing separate as well, with the same person, on top of your together counseling. You might be able to say everything you feel with him there, but it may not be the same for him. 2 months isn't a long time for counseling, no matter what type it is. Give it some time, I know you're probably fed up, and rightfully so. Just think of this, he's been doing this for a long time, 2 months isn't going to change a lifetime of mistakes. Talk to your counselor on an alone session and make a plan with him/her. A sort of time line on what's reasonably to accept. Most important, realize he'll never give his friend up, and he really shouldn't have to, he just has to learn how to manage his friend time, with his family time. Other people have to do it too. Guys always have issues with this. They feel as though you're trying to take over them by giving up their last bit of freedom, their buddy. I do know a bit of what I'm talking about. Not only have I been there, but have helped my friends go through it too. On my end I was your hubby. I know a female version, but the same situation. Once you've been there yourself, you know the ins and outs of what's really going on. Good luck to you and your family.

I'm sorry for your troubles--though I do not share them.

The fact that he's willing to go to counseling is a good sign. Have you brought this up in your sessions? Perhaps your counselor could help mediate this issue.

Hi D., I am so sorry to hear of your problems with your husband. First let me say he is wrong. You are right to feel this way. Family should ALWAYS be his first priority. Ok for him to see his friends, of course. But every week, all day??? NO way!!! Everyone needs their own time and their own friends but he is definitely pushing the limit. If he can't change or isn't willing to change, its time for you to make the change for him. Something is definitely not right. Families spend time together, not apart and this is something your kids will see as they get older. You are 100% right to feel as you do. Stay strong. Good luck.

Diana, I know this is probably very stressful because you seem to have many mixed emotions and feelings. How long has your husband been hanging out with his friend? Seems that you both have decided to take the right step and go to therapy together. It seems there may be underlying issues that come out in your words from your posting. If you guys have been together for 15 years and married 6, when did you start feeling the need " I keep waiting for him to be a husband and a father and get this is the important thing but he doesnt' seem too. "You have a full plate as many of us do. Sometimes we have to take a deep breath and step back, don't blame yourself or beat yourself up over this. I think its really inappropriate that he is gone the ENTIRE day from morning to late at night. Seems as if he is trying to escape something, but maybe you need to talk to him, and ask him why he finds this need. You need to tell him exactly how you feel,and not to blame or point out faults, but you have to discuss how it makes you feel. We have to realize that we are superwomen ! and we can juggle so much more than men, emotionally, mentally, physically, with life, a home, a family, work, stress. Don't give up and throw the towel in. Give therapy a chance, and work on your communication together to find the root of the problem. Don't jump to conclusions, or point the finger to blame to quickly, it really could be something that is easily repairable. Maybe you need to take a little time for yourself away , you deserve that, and don't feel guilty about it. Make time for you, it will help you feel better. Good luck .

Hi D.,

Looks like you got a lot of good advice already. I wanted to bring up a couple of things:
1. His age?? Is he young to be a father? Just wondering here.
2. You've been with him for 15 years and married only 6. Why did you wait 9 years to finally marry?
3. What is he doing every Saturday from am to pm?

My husband stays home. Of course, if there's a ballgame or he needs to help out a buddy on a Sat afternoon, that's fine by me. But I wouldn't tolerate EVERY Sat from am to pm. Saturday's are so precious to spend time with family. What do you guys do on Sundays?

I think you should try to introduce your husband to other couples with kids. If your son goes to school, perhaps there's a family or two you can become friendly with?

I would schedule outings with the kids without him. Then, on Fri night or Sat am, he'll see you getting ready for an outing he will be curious -- 'where are you guys going?'. Tell him nicely. Go and have fun. It will be on his mind that you're out having fun with the kids without him.

I also think you may want to become friendlier with his friend. He will not ever leave his friend, so you probably want to join them. instead of being angry. Getting angry isn't helping. Hopefully the therapy is.

Good Luck,
J.

Hi D., That is an awful long time to be with someone, my first instinct is to tell you to work on your relationship. But I was with my ex-husband for 7 yrs, 6 married. He had a friend, single, no kids, I called him "Boyfriend", If mine wasnt with me he was with him. It took me a long time to realize I wasnt in a "normal" relationship and that my husband was very childish and selfish. I moved my boys and I out in January...I have a boyfriend now who I do everything with, completely opposite of my husband, who would do NOTHING with us. I see my relationship with my ex as an abusive one, he didnt treat me very well and was never home. He thought if he made a lot of money that that was sufficient and he should be able to live his life the way he wanted. He has twins with another women, she left for the same reason, they were together for 13 years. My ex will still say that he did nothing wrong. And as an added kick in the butt, he got a new girlfriend...she is 25 with no kids. My ex is 40! I am very very happy now to have passed him on to someone else. I wish you luck!

D.,
I feel your pain. I have a four year old with my husband of 8+ years. I often work late, so he picks up our son and is the single parent for most of the evening. On the weekends, I take over more of the parental roll, letting my husband sleep in while I get up to be with our son. Then, if errands need to be run, he is gone for most of Saturday, but not into the night. Our son can be a joy to be around and play with most of the time, but some times he can be, well, a four year old!! LOL Saturday is my husband's day to break free of the chaos of home life so that he can recharge his patience battery and be a good father and husband again. I know that he needs that, so I tolerate it.

You are probably pretty good about seeing things from his point of view, but it sounds as though he is not able to see things from your point of view. One thing that I have found helpful with my husband is to restate to him what he has told me so that he knows I have heard him. In this case, perhaps you can let him know that you understand that he needs a break from the kids to recharge. Then, ask, is that correct? This may help him to explain what he's feeling and why he's leaving for so long a time. You also need to preface it with the words, "I want your honest opinion and no matter what you say, I won't scream at you." Then, no matter how angry his explanation makes you, just take a deep breath and restate the message to show that you understand.

I had to have these types of conversations with my husband a lot when we were first married, but now they rarely happen. It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage together. Women are better communicators than men, in general, and sometimes we have to teach them how to communicate. Good luck to you!!!

I am a mother of a 3 year old girl and have a very involved husband. By involved I mean with his friends, the community you name it. He is also recently the primary source of income as I lost my job. Since I am now a stay at home mom and have been spending every waking hour with her I have felt like he's been less involved so I had to refocus. I haven't "given up on him" so to speak but I plan outings with my daughter more frequently, we play board games and go to the library things like that... As much as I want to get him involved I have started putting that energy into finding special things to do with her.... now when he does get a minute she either asks for me or goes in her playroom to do her own thing, it hurt me a little b/c i want them to be close but just the other day he followed her into the playroom and sat on the floor to watch dora with her & they were talking about the show. So i think hes coming around, I know this sounds all about me and i dont know if its helped any but i wanted to give you an example that they can come around. If this single friend is the issue invite him over to hang out and make the effort to get to know him and he can be part of the extended fam. My daughter knows that daddys helping uncle so and so and will be home later....i hope this helps good luck!

D.,

Sounds like your problem is also with this friend. What's his problem and what do they do together? If my husband spent so much time with a friend, my first questions would be what do you two do together, and why do you prefer to spend more time with him than our famly?

That is bizarre behavior. I would look into it more. Something tells me that you are suspicious about them hanging out, the question is what are you really concerned about?

My husband spends all his time at home with us doing family things and activities. He went to the basketball game once with a friend and I was really upset. Upset because my husband does a lot of business travel so my argument is, when you are home, you need to spend that time with me, your wife and your 3 kids. He hasn't done it since. He will occassionally have lunch with his best friend, or they talk on the phone. Since his friend is recently divorced, I do not advocate for them hanging out, he is welcome to come over the house however. SO to your question about what husbands do, mine stays home. Good luck.

Wow. God bless you for being as permissive as you are. This is not the behavior of a married man with TWO children. I could understand wanting one night out w/ friends a week,(like 7-10 p.m or after the kids go to bed) but the entire day and night? This man should WANT to play w/ his children and do family things. (My husband does. ) It's not his divine right to be with his friend. It's his DUTY as a husband and father to be with you and the children. Something is wired wrong in this man if he thinks time with this friend is more important than you and the kids. When does he do yard work or things around the house? What does he do with the kids? When does he play with them or help you? All these are important too. If he's doing a ton when he is home, then that's a little better, but still and all, every day and night, every Saturday IS too much for a married man.

Some men pick - I'll golf Saturday morning (and that's their outing) or I'll see my friend Wednesday night, but no, I don't think his behavior is correct, and obviously you don't either.

So, the real point isn't what everyone else thinks is right and what everyone else's husband is doing, but rather what do YOU need and think is right? Go with your gut. If this doesn't seem right to you and you wouldn't do it to him, then something needs to change.

Once upon a time, I was the "single" friend to a couple who lived in the same building with me. Their relationship was strong, honest and healthy and they had one child. Although I was always welcome to be with them as family. I kept my friendship with them in balance. I respected the fact that they were a married couple and gave them lots of space and privitcy.

I've spent most saturday mornings playing racket ball with Tony in the park and Marilyn would meet us for breakfast with their daughter at the diner across the street when the game was over. Tony was a great guy, easy to talk to and was always protective of me....a great friend....and so was Marilyn.

Me and Marilyn had plenty of time together but she was always home to greet Tony with his dinner when he came home from work...I never interfered with her keeping house, being a wife or mother.

Marilyn several times came with me to singles dances in the hopes that I'd meet someone and Tony would have coffee waiting for us when we got back...he sat with us and we'd laugh as we'd shared the fun we had that evening with him.

There were also times when Tony couldn't take vacations so me and Marilyn would take her daughter on car trips to tour Washington and visit with friends in Maryland. If Tony was able to, he would fly out to meet us for a few days and we'd all drive home together....

Years past and a lot of great things were shared in this friendship. At one point, I moved long distance and still kept in touch with them. More years past and Tony passed on and I'm still in touch with Marilyn and her now adult daughter...

My point is a relationship between a couple has to be one of trust, respect, communication and love and the single friend has to know his/her place in it all and respect their friends marriage at all times.

Also in the past I was engaged to a guy who had a single women friend. I thought nothing of his friendship until this woman made him a birthday party and didn't invite me. Turns out he knew about the party and kept it from me...I found out about it from others. The fact is, he took no steps to correct what was wrong with this picture. When I confronted him about it all, he defended her and himself. I gave him back his ring and told him to get lost. I saw this as the beginning of HELL and didn't want any part of it.

Continue going to therapy but I suggest that you put a time limit on his decision on becoming a husband and father. His relationship with you and the children come first. If you don't see a full turn about within that time limit, get rid of him and move on. You and the children deserve better then what this man can give...

My advice to you would be to first, pick and choose your battles wisely. He goes out once a week on a Saturday so maybe you need to consider that this is his down time and maybe his way of unwinding.

It's hard to answer with so little information. But what is the problem for your husband to spend one day outside your family? I've been married to my husband for 19 years and we have 4 kids. What I learned in this 19 years is you need to leave some space to each other. I think that's one single important ingredient in keeping good marriage. Guys need some fun outside of their family, either with their hobbies or social activities more than women. He already cut back Friday for you, right? Do you feel you're not spending enough time with him? It can be sometime evening to have a chat after kids went to bed or Sunday morning in bed or actually any time, I think. D., it's pretty normal thing that your husband is doing. And what is it that your husband has to do on Saturday for you? Quite honestly, mother is taking more main roll raising children until they hit teenage. Father's job is more about supporting his wife. (When they hit teenage, father is taking very crucial roll to guide them since mother often looses her authority over them) D., I think you need to arrange with your husband a little time to discuss issues, share feelings without demanding and take away his time to relax. My husband doesn't even have a friend to hang out with. But he used to spend a lot of time with his hobbies, mostly all weekends. I sometimes reminded him that he needs to spend more time with his family. Try to talk with him calmly without angry feeling. When you include your emotion in conversation, it will be very difficult to have any good discussion.

Well, my husband never goes out with his friends. So I'm not too sure how much help I'd be to you. Have you ever tried talking to him about perhaps limiting those get together with his single buddy to once a month? Then plan a date night for the two of you once a month, a family night once a month, and then a couples only night once a month? Or something to that effect. Make it every other week if he can't do it once a month. I don't think that's too much to ask from him. A little compromise is a good thing. It is important for him to have his friends and time with them so let him know that you do agree it's important, but he needs to balance his time a little better with family too and let his friend go on a date with some ladies every once in a while on a Saturday night too. Good luck.

It seems to me that you are doing a lot to work on this as it is, as couples therapy is no easy thing! Is he doing any work aimed at improving things? And given that you work in some other capacity (wasn't clear from your message) in addition to being a mom and wife, you have your hands full with children who are in demanding phases (wonderful, too, but very demanding) developmentally. There is something that strikes me as quite immature in your husband's behavior, adolescent, actually. It is as if you are the mom of the household, and he is the adolescent boy who cannot get enough of his best friend; like your husband cannot accept the fact that he is an adult, a man of the house, and has certain (and lots of) responsibilities. Does he resent your connection with the children? Does he miss being the center of your universe? Have you been pushing him away without knowing it? Do you not ask enuf of him (you mentioned that you "keep waiting" for him to get his priorities straight, and this has a passive quality about it, do you need to be more assertive? are you being a "good mother" to him and asking little of him so as not to disappoint him?)? You don't specify if you suspect that he is out partying or being unfaithful, but spending the entire day with a single, childless male friend, I mean, what are their activities exactly? You certainly have my sympathy, but there are lots of missing pieces here, and I wonder if there are missing pieces because he tells you very little or because you are perhaps denying something here? It's true, these are important years in the lives of your children and the life of your family, and you can't get this time back. I think you need to ask yourself and him some hard questions to determine if your marriage is salvagable. I wish you luck and strength.

a couple of solutuons:
1. get your husbands friend a girlfriend ...that way he won't spend too much time with your husband
2.compromise with your husband tell him every other sat. is with his friend and next sat is with the family ( you plan things for family to do )
3.if you guys divorce or separate he will have alternate weekends with the kids so he has to spend time with them.
..and if you love him .....talk it out ..if you don't love him ......leave him.Plan alot of activites for you and your kids...enjoy your kids while they are young. good luck to you