D. asks from Thomaston, CT on June 21, 2008
Problem with Husband
I never have asked a question here, but I always give tons of advise, so here goes. I was wondering how often your husbands hang out with their guy friends, without the kids. My husband HAS to hang out with his best friend EVERY week. It use to be every fri and sat night until I had a total break down and now his friend won't come around anymore (hurray for me!!!). However, now my husband leaves the house in the morning on Sat and doesn't come home until late Sat night. I keep waiting for him to be a husband and a father and get this is the important thing but he doesnt' seem too. We've been in counseling for 2 mos on this and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've seriously considered leaving him over all this. Until recently he spent little or no time with me at all. So how much time does your husband spend alone with his guy friends? And how often? Oh by the way, his friend is single, with no girl friend and no kids. This is also the only friend my husband has.
P.S. My husband spends very little time with me and the kids during the week. He gets our son up and ready for the day in the morning (about 30 mins tops) and spends 30 mins with our son at night before bed. While I put the baby to bed and before I put our son to bed. Then the only time I get with him during the week is if I go into our room and spend maybe 15 mins with him before he falls asleep. Sometimes he get the kids dinners ready, but we eat infront of the tv instead of at the table (my husbands doing). On the weekends he gets up early with the kids and let's me sleep. But then on Sat he's gone all day while I'm a single parent and Sun he sleeps most of the day (family day) recouperating from going out with his buddy. Their not out at the bar or anything, they mostly just go out to dinner and hang out at his friends house working. The point is, the only true time we have as a family is on the weekend (our kids are in bed before 8), and he donates all this time to his buddy.
So What Happened?™
Thanks to everyone for their help. I do go out with my friends too, but only about once a month. I truly want to be with my kids. I already work full time and I feel I miss so much, I don't want to miss out on any more then I already am. We are going to continue to go to counseling and work through this. Things have to get better soon or I've had enough. And he feels the same.
E.S. answers from Albany on June 22, 2008
Do you know where he is going? Does he say why he has to spend so much time away? Does he recognize the fact that he needs to be part of the family? I went through something similar and said to my husband I am NOT a single parent. You need to participate too! Something to bring up at the next counseling session. I finally said if you dont want to be married let me know rather than drag it out. If you want to be a family then you have to participate. We are still married 30 years later , yes he did then start to participate You did not say if he was interactive with the children at other times...Hope for the best.
C.B. answers from Buffalo on June 23, 2008
Well my husband golfs in a work golf league every wednesday nite but is home by 6:30pm. He goes to the gym every saturday & sunday morning. My husband doesn't have a lot of friends. I think your husband needs a wake up call. This behavior is wrong! He is neglecting you and the children. This is not going to change unless you FORCE him to.....BUT do you want to force him to be a father/husband?
I am so sorry you are suffering!
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M.A. answers from New York on June 22, 2008
Wow, i'm really sorry. I know this may sound a bit out there, but do you think there is a possibility that your husband is gay? The fact that he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with his wife and does want to see a single guy, his a little alarming to me. Not to make you feel bad, but my husband does everything in his power to be able to spend time with me and the kids. When he does go out with his friends, he always feels guilty about it.
I hope the therapy helps you both.
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A.T. answers from New York on June 21, 2008
The hanging out all depends on who your husband is as a man and how strong your marriage is. For example, this hanging out behavior in some men is very common in the early stages of marriage. Both of you are still trying to feel each other out and working out the rules and regulations of marriage and the men actually have to remind themselves that they have a second half they need to consult with. This behavior usually stops by the 3rd year of marriage when you've settled into a rhythm and understand each others needs better. It has been my experience, that the hanging out occurs when your hubby has issues he does not care to address or confront. At one point, my husband was out of work and it was as if he was 18 again. This went on for about 3 months and it got ugly. I like yourself, lost it and had to sit him down and have an extended talk with him. He got himself together and got a job and all went back to normal. Men in general, I have noticed, need that down time. They are not built like us women who can handle and juggle a multitude of things, have a good cry or great workout and move on. They need to bond with their "buddies" and share testosterone over a beer. I have been with my husband for 25 years, married for 11. I have come to know when he needs a night out with the boys, and when he doesn't and I pick my battles wisely. Now in your case, you've been together long enough and you have seeked counseling and it isn't working. You have to say all you are feeling from the heart and if you have already, perhaps you should consider your options. You cannot change a man. If he does not want to fill the role of daddy, you will not be able to change that. He has to want it in his heart and understand the importance of this role. If he doesn't "get it" now, he might not ever get it. You have to consider.....do you love him enough to work it through or as the woman who knows your man best, is there hope or is it hopeless. You are the only one that can make this decision as you are the one who knows him best. The fact that his buddy is single, never helps. The buddy will never understand the married life and may offer useless or heartless advice. Your hubby may also have a desire to be the single buddy or long to be the single buddy due to the problems at home. Do what is best for you and your children. Good luck to you D..
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H.H. answers from New York on June 23, 2008
I don't think once a week out is excessive. Once a week ALL DAY on Saturday if that is one of his only 2 days off work IS.
You should also get a few hours a week where you are allowed to go out without him and the kids. 1 day or night of 3-5 hours per parent of alone/friend time should help. Or two nights out of 2-3 hours each.
I don't think cutting friends out of either one of your lives is what you need, but him not being around all day on the weekend, every weekend is too much.
I know some of the ladies are saying they spend all their time with their spouses. I don't. I married him, I didn't ACTUALLY tie myself to him. And while I LOVE being with him, we BOTH need space sometimes and a place to be with friends and vent about the frustrations of the week.
And we both should have it.
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K.H. answers from Utica on June 22, 2008
I am sorry for the problem. Two Questions.
How much time did he spend with his guy friend while you were dating? and How much time does he give you to be with your girl friends?
That said your question was how much time do husbands spend away from wives. My husband of nearly 40 years goes to work. Comes home and spends the rest of the time with me, our children, and in our home. I am a SAHM, who homeschooled our girls that graduated from High School this year. Beyond homeschooling, I spend all my time at home with my husband. Never did my husband think he should go off, he married me to spend time with me. That is what I expected. We were married when I was 20, had our first at 21, and had our last(twins) when I was 40, yup shortly before our 20th wedding anniversary.
Probably that isn't what you wanted to hear but those are the facts. I married my childhood sweetheart, who has loved me through thick and thin.
God bless you and your family
C.H. answers from New York on June 23, 2008
You know what the real answer is .
Gratitude. Thankfulness. Grace.
When the relationship is new . we are grateful. when he goes to his friends house he is grateful to have his buddy. we go where we are celebrated. He may be overwhelmed with a wife and 2 kids also.. and spends the time with his single friend ... as a stress reliever. Men dont complain like women .. it shows in other ways. Listen I could bash along with you .. it just wont really help at all.
This is a tough time .. be grateful. he is there to get them up .. there to put them to bed.. there so you dont sleep by yourself .. there to pass the salt :) .. please be thankful that he is there to cook the food.
And bet it never dawned on you that he is asleep in 15 minutes because .. he is not only tired, but a rest with you. You can be grateful that he has a friend nearby ...
Change your confession. You are so lucky you dont have to get your son up too... so lucky you dont have to put him to bed.. you husband already did. your so lucky you not only have a dinner to eat but somebody to cook it ... ok in front of the tv.. so lucky that it is not a tv dinner... you are so lucky .... Think of all of the things you dont have to do you dont have to do. Take a night for yourself. Wednesday and get a pedicure ..or meet a friend. Plan it every week .. look forward to it like he does. Things can change. Start a gratitude journal... you see the more grateful we are the more we are blessed. So I thank you because someone told me to do that once and I didnt and I will start today because of you, and hopefully with you.
A.D. answers from New York on June 23, 2008
Hi D., It seems a shame that you two have been together for 15 years and now he has a case of the grass is greener. I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging out with his friend but the whole day?? Is he having trouble with the responsibility of being a father? I know you can't force him to do or not do but something is wrong with this picture. Have you asked him what he is thinking or is it possible his friend is saying "show me what a good friend you are and stay with me the whole day" I guess I'm not much help. Let's see what the others say. Good wishes, Grandma Mary
D.A. answers from New York on June 23, 2008
D. - My husband rarely goes out w/ his buddies BECAUSE he takes his family life so seriously. I tell him to go out w/ them! He maybe goes out w/ his buddies once every 6 mths or so....
Trust me - he WANTS to but there's just such little time w/ his work and how much time that he WANTS to dedicate to our 3 yr old girl.
I know that I am VERY LUCKY to have a husband like that.
But I would say for your husband - once a MTH would be acceptable for me to deal with my husband going out w/ his guy friend's. But every single weekend??? That's really too much, and I'm sure everyone that responds to you woill agree.
I'm a big fan of letting your husband do whatever he wants and trying not to stifle his style. I know that doing that keeps your husband a lot "happier" in the relationship. (Believe me though - I secretly cringe over the amount of free time that my husband plays video games on his Playstation 3 ......but I try to not nag him about it though or say anything about it outloud....).
You need to put your foot down or give him an ultimatum or even demand that you get to go out by yourself (or with your friends) every other week! He gets 2 days a mth and so do you!