Private Parts

T.,
I wouldn't worry about your son. God made boys with a lot more nerves in that area than girls. It is often a comforting thing, not a sexual thing. Especially at his age. Sometimes kids rub their bellies or chests or suck their thumbs, because it is relaxing. Don't worry. He shouldn't get a complex about his body. It is natural and healthy for him to be comfortable in his body. You might want to pleasantly explain to him that it is not appropriate to touch himself in public. He will get more modest and consciencious about it. Just give it some time. Hope this helps! S.

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Hi T.,
I think your husband is right, it's a phase your son is going thru. From what you are saying it seems your son understands public vs. private. Try to look the other way. E.

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Tell him if he wants to do that it is a private thing and he needs to go in his room. Don't punish or make him feel bad. He's just learning about his body.

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I agree with your husband. As long as he doesn't do it in public (and it sounds like he has learned not to do that), I think it's normal and fine. I think you should apologize to him for talking with him in a mean tone, and just talk with him honestly about it's not something to do around other people, and just fell him that most people don't like to see it, and that many people (including you) are uncomfortable about it because of the way we were raised (told that it was bad etc), but that there's absolutely nothing wrong with him touching touching himself. It would be good for your husband to talk with him about it also. The fact that he does it when he's relaxed seems fine - if he were doing it when he gets anxious, I think that could be an issue (that might indicate that he's doing it as a way of avoiding his feelings). Good for you for writing about this, and I don't think it's a silly question, I think it's very important for him to learn about and feel good about his body, and learn that it's ok to have pleasure!

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Everyone seems so uptight! I just ask my boys if they have to pee, or I just say "get your hands out of your pants", but in a nice tone. I guess I just don't see why it is such a big deal for so many, it is just kids discovering their body. It is natural for people to try to find ways to make themselves feel good, and all though there are sex addicts out there, masturbation is not addictive. I am a trained psychologist, and I have never heard of exploration as a child turning someone into a sex addict.

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T., I have 4 boys and a girl and all four of my boys have gone through that stage. My youngest is now actually going through it. It is a stage of discovering just like when they are younger and discover their toes and ears. don't make a big deal out of it but you are right to tell him no not do it. I just told my sons and my daughter (becuse girls do it too) to get their hands out of their pants. and explain that it is their private parts and we only touch them if we are washing or going to the bathroom. I explained modesty to them. I must say that I am a little concerned about some of the other responses that you have gotten where they have told their sons to just do it in private. I don't know your moral values but to me that is encouraging masterbation which is not ok in my home. So if you agree with that you probably shouldn't tell them to do it in private. But if you make it a non issue it will just go away eventually. good luck, J.

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its normal curiosity. just tell him to do that in private. dont tell him its bad because it teaches him that his body is bad. i wouldnt worry he will grow out of it.

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Hi T.,

I agree with Kristi, it is normal, they just need gentle guidance about where and when it is appropriate. With some kids this is a stress response, but in others they are learning what feels good, and have not been given a time that is safe and appropriate to learn about it. This too shall pass :-) Keep a level had, and remember if this is the worst thing you have to deal with today then you are lucky.

Regards,
T. Nelson CD

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I have three boys, ages 11, 6, and 3.
I tell them all the same thing. No one should be seeing your private areas. Please go to your room to do that. I don't tell them not to do it, I tell them to do it in the privacy of their own rooms.
Of course the two little ones still do silly stuff like streak throught the house on occassion, so we just say, hey, go put some clothes on! LOL
Kids, boys especially are facinated by their private parts. It's normal, make sure he knows that and don't make too big a deal about it.

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Don't be so uptight. He is just trying to find out about his body. Even the Pope has given up on the sin of "Onani" Onan.

Onan just did not want to get his brother's widow pregnant with his seed. And, from this Christianity made total body shame. It's long overdue to let us all dump that misinterpretation of what the Bible says.

Because it is read in English without anyone knowing what the Hebrew says it makes it sinful to know your own body.

In addition the Torah from where all this comes does not say those things in the Hebrew text. So let the child be himself and don't send him into tears due to your own body shame.

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I know how difficult this issue is! Its not an easy one to give advice about either because so many people have so many different views on sexuality and our bodies. What I have told all of my children, because believe it or not girls go through this too, is that we don't touch ourselves when other people can see us. If that is something that you want to do you must do it in your bedroom. Your husband is right that it is just a phase. He has discovered that something is down there and that it feels good to play with it. Its hard to find the balance between fostering being appropriate with giving them a healthy view of their bodies and sexuality. I have been told that the worst thing that we can do is make them feel like what they are doing is bad because it can cause them to feel like their body is wrong. Good luck and hang in there they do stop.

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I don't want my sons to think that their bodies are "bad" or "dirty" so since they were little (they are 9 and 7) I have been telling them that it is bad manners and rude to play with their private parts in front of other people (family members included), that it is something that they do by themselves in their rooms. So, when I see them doing it (not very frequently), I remind them that it is bad manners and if they must continue, to go to their rooms. That serves as a reminder of what they are doing (sometimes I think they do it without conciously thinking about it (think of Al Bundy watching tv on "Married with Children")) and when they realize it, they normally stop.

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I used to babysit a boy who would just sit there with his hands down his pants. He mainly only did it when he was tired or just relaxing. Every morning I would wake him up, bring him downstairs and he would watch TV for about half an hour as a wake up period and that was just part of it. I ignored it and he is seven and grown out of it now. It was like it was comforting or something, maybe it became a habit for a while though. I just told him if anyone came over or if he was at someone else's house try not to do it. I hope this helps.

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I agree on explaining the private thing to do in a private place. If he is doing it elsewhere I would walk over to him and quietly remind him that is something to be done in private. I'm from a family of all girls so I always feel like I'm a little out of my element on this one. My son did stop doing it around 6 however he did ask me what masterbation was the other day so I got to go over it again. :) One other thing you might want to just keep an eye on is that there isn't any irritation there or anything. My son used to stick his hands down the back of his pants and I finally figured out that the skin on his bottom cheeks was really dry. A little lotion put a stop to that. Good luck!

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Dear T.,

I think your husband is right. The bigger deal you make of it, the more your son will want to play with himself. I really think maybe you should try ignoring it for awhile. At this point, he doesn't seem to do it in public, or with clothes on, so it may be a wake up in the morning sort of thing. It's quite normal and natural for young boys to fondle themselves. If you can sort of relax about it, your son won't feel guilty, like he's doing something shameful. Good luck. My best to you and your family.

Sincerely,
Jan

A bit about me: mom and grandma, married to the father of our 33 yr. old, and 14 yr. old son's. I also have a degree in family and child development.

E

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Honestly I dont think you ever have to stop telling them no the the hand in the underpants...lol. My son is 4 he has the same thing. I was told not to make a big deal out of it because then they start to think theres something wrong with him, I just tell him the only time he needs to do that is when he is going potty. I dont really know if there is a way to get them to stop. I think its just a boy thing, curiosity. My son seems to know not to do it in public, so I just dont make a it a real big deal. Good luck

What great advice everyone has given.. going to his room or bathroom being the biggest vote... I do want to bring up... be sure to ask if he is itchy or if something feels wrong... just to make sure he doesn't have a rash or UTI... I know my sisters boys often would touch at home in the house with only her around (I think it is because they are comfortable with her) they would touch or shift outside the clothes.. she said under the clothes go to the bathroom (it doesn't sound like they are in trouble when she says bathroom but does if you say "go to your room") and she says often it is just because their thin skin on their balls often stick and they just need to readjust.. at first she was morritfied and then after talking to her husband felt better knowing that it was just them learning out to handle the unconfortable feeling. Well just some suggestions and a story! :) Hang in there darling.. at least it isn't the birds and the bees talk yet! :)

I explained to my boy that it was OK to do that when he was alone, but when others were around, it was not acceptable. I think there needs to be a time to explore one's own body and do what feels good - but that's not done in public.

Best,
Sarah

I am not looking forward to these type of situations.....of course our instant reaction is to re-act with negative responses. Which can make your son think that his body and especially his "private parts" are dirty. Which can potentially lead him to being ashamed of his body. Tell him if he is going to touch, feel, play with his Private part "Penis" - he needs to go into his room where it is private and do that. I had a friend who's daughter was doing similar things and she was told to tell her to go to her room and she eventually got bored with it. So, yes - it could potentially be a phase. You got to remember that they are just as sensitive as we are with our bodies and "private parts". They are just a smaller version. Good luck.

I have a friend who has dealt with the same thing for a few years, and her son does it all the time, doesn't matter where he is! She deals with it very well. She believes it is just a curiosity/phase, and he does it absentmindedly. She just says....Ben, pants, in a calm voice, and not so everyone can hear, and he stops. I think it is a fidgety type of thing...I am sure it is nothing you need to worry about. Just be careful not to make him feel ashamed of his body.

My almost-four-year-old also likes to visit his boy parts. I explained to him that we call them private parts because they're just his, and nobody else needs to see him visiting them. In his room by himself is okay, and we have taught him to wash hands after he explores because urine comes out of there too, and he doesn't want urine on his hands, because he puts his hands in his mouth and touches food with them. If he has his hands there at an inappropriate time/place I remind him that he is allowed to do that in his room by himself, and can choose to go there, or he needs to stop. This seems to be working at modifying his behavior without making him (or me) upset.

Go into a little more detail like, " Honney we don't touch that around others." "Please remember that we only touch that area when we are alone." Something like that.
It is normal for a boy to hold that area. I remember joking that my son must think someone was going to steal his, LOL.
You know your child and what level of understanding he may have. So talk to him at his level.
Acknowledge that this is normal, and that he is NOT a bad boy. Just that it needs to be done in private.
Good luck
B.

I have the feeling that my little one will be the same way. He's only 10 months old, but every time I go to change his diaper, his hands go down. It's a little funny, because he gets a goofy little grin when he does it.

I agree with the moms who've said to just let him know that that's a private thing. It's normal, really.

Hi T., Don't worry to much, your husband is right, its just a stage boys go through. I have six nephews and two boys with my boyfriend. Two of them happen to be five right now and they both do the same thing. Have your husband talk to him. Let you little boy know it's ok for him to touch at certain times, like going to the bathroom, adjusting, ect. but it's not ok to do it in front of other people including mom. It will pass usually around six.

I havn't read the other responses so hopefully i'm not repeating anyone, but I have 2 boys ages 12 and almost 5 and another boy on the way. I've just always told them it's ok to do it but it's something we do in our bedrooms and when we're done to wash our hands. I've never made a big deal of it either. My oldest seemed to always have his hand in his pants from the time he was 3 until he want to school. Just know it's normal and OK!

I haven't read the other advice yet, but I'll pass along something that I have heard that can help. It is just a natural curious phase he is going through. Children also may 'play' with those parts more often if they are under a lot of stress. It's very relaxing for them. Since you don't want them doing it in front of other people, though, it's good to teach him when it's ok. Just gently tell him that he needs to do that in his room or in the bathroom. That it is for private time. When you see him doing it, tell him that he needs to either be in his room or the bathroom if he wants to continue. Otherwise, he can take his hands out and wash them. It is good to teach him to wash his hands afterwords, it's great that you have already started that.
It is important that he doesn't feel he is being punished for it by being sent to his room. Just that he understands that it is private time, and he needs to do it in private.
Anyways, I've heard good responses from that approach. Good luck!

Yup, totally normal. With my own boys, it was an opportunity to talk about public vs. private behavior. We also discussed the whole idea of "private", keeping private parts covered and not letting others touch and being careful where you touch others. I think kids appreciate having these things well defined so they can be confident that what they are doing is OK.

You don't want him to beco,e ashamed of himself, so what I do with my five year old is I just tell him to take his hands out of his pants and wash his hands. I also tell him that his pee-pee has germs on it from when he went to the bathroom and now they are on his hands is why he has to wash them. For some reason my son is worried about germs, yeah I know odd for a boy to worry about germs lol.

I have three children and they have ALL gone through this.
It's different for each child, but most kids are curious about their own bodies (boys a bit more than girls, for obvious reasons).
I gently explained to my kids that this area of their bodies is private. If we want/ or need to touch ourselves we do it when NO ONE is around - in private. That place is usually the child's bedroom, or sometimes the bathroom.
Some children do this more than others, some not. It is completely natural. Please don't make your son feel ashamed or that you are angry. Our bodies are beautiful creations and he is just learning about his.
I strongly feel that human sexuality is an amazing, wonderful thing. In our country it is distorted and made to seem dirty.
I think it's the root cause of a lot of dysfuction. You don't want to give him future hang-up about his.

Just explain that it makes other people uncomfortable. That it's fine, and normal, but he needs to do it in private.

good luck!

My son is nine and he still grabs himself, not in public. We always laugh and I tell him I'm going to cut that thing off. But it is just simply something all boys do. Just keep reminding him that people don't like to see that. boys have it tough, that little thing kinda controls them. We just tell our son to put clothes on and not to do it in front of us. It seems to work. But they are young and have to be reminded all the time until they get it. We never yell, we laugh and joke about it though, and sometimes, I've had to take my son aside and tell him that we don't like to see that, that it isn't polite. He stops. It's natural, remember that.

T.,
What I have done with our boys is told them that it's okay to do it in the bath or bathroom, but not anywhere else. They are just curious and what they are doing feels good, so they keep doing it. Both of our boys respected my request and we have not had any issues since. Sometimes it takes telling them more than once for them to stop, but have heart, they stop.

Best of luck.

I agree with others in this thread: instead of making him feel bad for touching himself, encouraging him to go into his room or bathroom: basically just somewhere private. It is normal for children to explore their body - all of it. I am concerned that if he were disciplined for his curiosity that it might lead to deeper issues later on.

My daughter went through a phase (yep - it was a phase) where she touched herself a lot. I did talk to her doctor about it and he confirmed that some children are just more interested than others in their privates. As others suggested, I told her that it was ok to do, just not in front of people and suggested that she go to the bathroom or her room. I think that the permission she received from me, helped her to not be so interested in it - we always want to do what we are told not to (especially at 4!).

I'm sure you have already done this as I think as mothers now a days, we are always on hyper-alert, however I have to say this. I highly encourage you to tell your son is that although it is ok that he touches himself, it is NOT ok for other people to touch him there or for him to touch others there. I had this talk with my daughter and she understands that the only time others can touch her is for medical purposes - the doctor is allowed to touch her there as long as he receives permission from myself or my husband.

I hope this helps!

At this age, it's more a "get to know my body", than it is touching himself for purpose pleasure. Right now, he realizes that this feels good. Our job as parents is to teach him PRIVATE and PUBLIC. My son started exploring himself when he was about 4. I was floored. I wasn't sure where to start and what to say. I realized that what he was doing was totally an exploration for him. So, I talked to his doctor and a few of my friends who've got through this themselves. He now knows the difference between private and public. I've taught him that what he's doing may feel good, it isn't wrong, but shouldn't be done in the eyes of others. He should keep something like this, private, in his own room. Since then, there's been no problem. :D

Hello,
I have three boys and believe me, it's just something boys do. All three of mine did it. I did the same thing you're doing. I just told them to stop playing with it. As they got older they stopped doing it. It didn't seem to last all that long. I wouldn't worry about it. Have a nice day!

Children will explore, there is no stopping it without creating huge problems for them later when they want to get married and have issues.

We have always told the kids that it was ok to explore their privates in their rooms by themselves. That doing so was a private thing that they didn't need to be sharing with anyone.

I agree with Judy V 100%. She said everything I would have wanted to say but even better. It's sounds to me as though you don't agree with masterbation. So if that's what you believe then stick with what you doing but don't be angry, just say it has germs.

Good Luck.

It is a very personal call because every parent has a different idea of what is okay.
I personally tell my daughter that I don't want to see that, so if she wants to do that she needs to go to the bathroom or her bedroom. Then, she needs to wash her hands well with soap because I don't want her "private" germs all over the house. She only went to her room one time when I said that, but was so bored she came right back.
You have to be careful not to give him the message that it is wrong, or dirty... just private. Also, you have to understand that it is similar to a baby obsessed with his toes... it is a new body part and he is learning about it.

I have an almost 3 year old girl that is also very much in to self exploration. I think it is normal so I have not done a whole lot about it. My husband is very bothered by it though. We set some rules like, always wear panties in the common areas of the house and if she feels like touching herself she should go to her room or she can do it in the bath. I have told her that it is normal to be interested in herself and if she has any questions, she should ask.
Hope that helps, good luck.

Ihave 2 boys, and 1 girl. i have always been honest with them when they have reached that stage, and yes it is just a stage. I have always made a point to let them know it's okay for them to touch a little bit( i don't want them growing up feeling ashamed of their privates) I did let them know that the proper place to do that would be in the bathroom, or their bedroom. And thats it's okay to ask questions or look, but anything more then that is improper.

i would do nothing, and you should apologize for the cut it off comment. i understand getting mad and saying things you dont really mean but they dont. i agree with your husband. all boys\men do this it is totally normal. good luck.

Please don't make him feel bad for touching himself. He is only 5 and only knows that if feels good. God made our bodies perfect and this is just part of it. I always told my kids when they were young not to touch down there (if I caught them) because that is where they go potty from.
Icky! That did the trick. :-) Never had an issue since.
D.