Private Parts...

R.,

I think that before we ask our children to tell the truth about s anything they need to know the meaning of the "truth". How we feel about the truth and how it's not good to lie, no matter what they have done, that mommy and daddy's will not be mad and they will NOT be in trouble not matter what they have done and you'll still love them. I told my daughter that the truth is "i love you" and a lie is " don't love you" so everytime she thinks she'll get in trouble for doing something she's too scared to tell me, because she doesn't know how bad it may be. She'll say mommy i love you, and whatever happened.

About who did what, they are very courious at this age, and forevermore, just talk to them about it and since they were both in the act, both need to be talked to. Hope all the best :)

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Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think this is "perfectly normal behavior". I know kids are curious, but if she really told him to "unbutton his pants and let her", then she's very possibly heard this somewhere or had this done to her!! I say better safe than sorry and both moms need to have a talk w/the kids about what is okay/not okay (especially from people other than parents, etc.). It's never too early. I heard a similar story on Dr. Laura a few weeks ago and at first thought, "so what, maybe kids do that", but she basically freaked on the mother and said that it really needed to be looked into further. Again, kids are curious, but the wording would make me wary. Obviously, blaming a little boy/girl is ridiculous, they are completely innocent! I'd just be aware and have a heart to heart w/your sister.

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From everything I've read and heard, your son and neice's behavior is normal. Kids realize that they're different from one another at this age and are curious. They are only doing what's natural to them. I would just explain that his "parts" are private. You can use the medical terms if you want. This way there is no confusion. Tell him that he alone is allowed to touch his parts (aside from you or husband cleaning him) and a girl's or other boy's parts are their's only. If he's curious about himself, then he can do it in the privacy of his own room. You don't have to get into a long explanation or make it more complicated than it is. Be straightforward and keep terms simple.

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Hi R.,

I too had a similar situation, but with a friends child. At 3 and 4, the kids just want to know if they are the same (boys seeing boys & girls seeing girls) or if they are different (boys & girls seeing each other). It's all very innocent. When it happened with my older son, I sat both children down together, no blame on either, and explained that I understand that they wanted to see if they were the same or different, but private parts are only shown to mommy, daddy, grandparents, etc. in your case. I also said there are parts of the body that we show each other: arms, legs, hand, face. But these parts, (I would point to the parts on my son) are private so we don't show them to anyone. My son is now 10 and I haven't had a problem since.

No one child is to blame here, they were both curious. However, with that said, as a mother of 2 boys it's always easier to blame boys. One final note, if you make a big deal out of it then they will become more curious and do it with other children, but if it's a simple talk and then over...it will most likely be over.

Best of luck,
L.

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I am so relieved to hear another mom talk about this sort of thing. My daughter and her friend (girl) wre caught in a similar situation and I was so disturbed by it that we now don't let them out of our sight when they play. She knew it was wrong, too, but I feel like it is a normal part of development...I just wasn't expecting it so early on...she is 4 1/2 her friend is 4 too...I talked to her about privacy and told her if she was ever curious I would rather her come to me with questions than experiment on her friend... I'm not sure really what the best answer is, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in dealing with this, and don't feel guilty or let other parents make you look at your son any differently...as parents we don't always have all the answers, but if we do everything out of love, only good will come of it...
S.
Katy, TX

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I wouldn't even worry about what the other mom says to her child. When her daughter is over, I would tell her that is not appropriate behavior. Even a 3 year old will understand what they can do and can't do. I have set many kids from my neighborhood straight on the rules at my house (nothing like this issue though.) If these kids in my neighborhood don't learn respect and proper behavior at their own house it doesn't mean that they can act that way at my house. It was up to me to clue them in on the rules when they are over. It's been amazing. They are following the rules beautifully and when they don't want to, they don't come over. It doesn't matter if it is your neice or not. The rules apply to ALL kids that are over to play.

Her mom will get it.

J.

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Really can't add much to all this great advise, but just want to remind you that "Evil is in the eye of the beholder" and shouldn't be any part of the equasion for the little ones.
Smiles,
C. S.

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Hi!

This all sounds perfectly normal to me. Kids are interested in everything, not only what we consider 'nice'. And since privates are part of themselves and others, they are even more interested! These two children are showing natural curiosity (much stranger if they seemed not to notice there was a difference...!) Such games are very normal in children about that age.
They need a bit of explanation. Something simple, like 'girls have (insert nickname of your preference) and boys have (insert nickname of your preference). You might even go further to explain that mommy is a girl and has a (...) while daddy is a boy and has a (...). You might also explain that these parts are 'porivate' or 'precious' or 'hidden' (not dirty), and that we only show them to the people we love the most (like mommy and daddy or maybe the doctor-explain why), and so on.
The more matter of factly you state this and the more matter of factly you act when he mentions it or asks about it, the more naturally he will take it, putting it together in his head with all the other strange things of this world (like lamps that go on and off, big airplanes in the sky, etc, etc). If you act all perturbed or like it's a big deal, it will become a big deal for him and he might become more curious and/or scared of his own body or of asking about it. After all the basic biological facts are ones that we all need to know, and making a mystery out of them just makes them scary and/or fascinating.
If he asks about more specific information, give it to him in tidbits, simply and not answering more than what he asks. That way he won't get information he is not ready for.
Same goes for the niece, if possible. Girls have as much curiosity about their bodies as boys, and especially need to be reassured that there's nothing 'dirty' about their bodies (because that message is all around!).
And all children need to know that there's nothing wrong with being curious, exploring and asking questions.

That's my take.
I'm not a psychologist but my mother is and I have read a lot about this kind of stuff.

Good luck!
G.

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When my son was about three I would tell him occasionally when I bathed him or dressed him that his private parts should only be touched when we're bathing him and sometimes at the doctor's office. I also tell him not to let anyone touch down there no matter what (except us when bathing and a doctor) and to tell me if anyone ever tries to.

I would not worry about them blaming your kid. If they are crazy enough to see a four year-old as perverted then just ignore them. You can't reason with them anyway. Kids push boundaries at this age, but I'd just give him a couple of nice long lectures about what the "private" in private parts means and not fret.

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Kids are very curious! The biggest issue is to not overreact when you "catch" him or them doing something like that. I have a 4 yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy. Our rule is you may touch your own bottom, but not someone elses, and it is not ok for someone else to touch your bottom. We still "catch" things, but its just a curious age. We calmly and quietly remind them of the rule.

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I have a bunch of kids and this is called DISCOVERY! They all discover is different ways. But NOW is the time to teach about proper and improper touching. They are well old enough to understand this. In todays society where there are so many sickos it is needed that they be taught proper and improper touching. Tell your sister to chill.

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This is ur sista right You both grew up in the same house, same set of rules, i'm guessing. Maybe you should remind her of that. That she knows you ur her sista an she should know that you would NOT teach ur son it's ok to do things of this nature. To me it's an eye opener that it's time to talk to them about their bodies. So if she wants to point blame on anyone she has to point it at herself. An same goes to you for not havin this talk already. BUT how many mom's have this subject penned in the date books. Especially if they don't have older kids. I have a 10 yr old so my 4 yr old has already had this talk (smile).

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I dont really have any advise other then the fact that there is NO blame here. They are kids and they dont know better yet. Dont let anyone blame anyone. It is just simply time to tell your son that NO ONE should be touching is privates other than mommy, daddy and the doctor. Good luck and this is normal for many kids.

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Just wanted to share that as a teacher that has worked with children under 6 for many years, both children are right at that age of awareness, exploration, and curiosity. A lot of parents do react the way your sister has...I do think people with daughters respond differently than those with sons as well, however, it is normal and as long as it is discussed, it should pass. Make it positive, so there are no negative feelings towards parts of either of their bodies. My two are not this old yet, so I will be looking for a resource as well to find out how to exactly handle it.

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This seems to be pretty normal for this age. The discovery of body parts is something that I am in the midst of as well. I approach it from a couple different points, but I never want to give the impression of the parts as bad, in and of themselves. I go the hygiene approach with "these parts are very sensitive and your hands have alot of yucky germs. We should only touch these parts to wipe after potty time or wash at bath time". I also approach it with "these parts are very special and not just anyone should touch them. Only people like mommy or daddy, or the doctor can touch these parts, but only if there is a good reason, ie. to make sure they are healthy. Mommy and daddy should be with you and the person should ask first. These are special, like mommy's special dishes that we only use if we ask first." Avoid saying things like "No one should every touch them!!", because that's not true and it makes them seem bad. I would address it with both kids together, since they have discovered these parts together. Stop blaming each other or the kids. We are not talking about 13 year olds, they are just little kids and don't have the bad intentions that we associate with this type of behavior. My 20 month old touches her brother's eyes because she thinks their neat. Same with this, especially because the parts are different!! Good luck and remember, they aren't being perverted, they're just being kids!! Try to laugh about it.
Just a note, you don't want to freak out!! Both you and your sister have an opportunity to teach you kids how awesome it is that they came to you. Your reaction now can set up how they will discuss these things in the future. I would affirm them for telling you. If you have already freaked out in front of the kids, I would explain that you were upset because you care about them and this is important to you. Saying that they should always tell you if they do something with someone that makes them uncomfortable or feel weird is very important. They can always ask you if something is a good choice or a bad choice and you can decide together. This is a great teaching moment!!

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