Preschooler Acting Out

I think you should try giving him a lot of one-on-one attention for a week and see if you don't notice a difference in his behavior.

I'll bet you do.

I have an question that's even simpler. How does he feel about his new sibling on the way? Is he getting enough "buddy time" with Mom and Dad, or are you hyper focused on being pregnant(which is not saying that you aren't paying attention, but in a pregnancy, there is less time to pay attention to more than eat sleep)?

My friend had this issue with her Middle daughter(as the girls were 19 months apart). She acted out horribly everywhere. Once she had one on one time with Mom and Dad, having her spend time with "baby"(she'd talk to Mom's tummy) and Mom and Dad, her behaviour went back to as normal as it could for her age.

Hugs to you Mama!

I was surprised to see only one post (that I could find) that mentioned your pregnancy. He's perfectly aware that you are going to have a baby. You probably are already talking up the idea of his wonderful little sister or brother and what a good big brother he'll be. To his young mind, he has no idea what that means - except it means a change, and change is not good to a three-year-old mind. Think back: Did this behavior begin pretty recently, as you were "showing" more and maybe talking more about the baby coming? He is acting out for attention because he already feels your attention turning elsewhere (to yourself, because pregnancy preoccupies us, and it should!, and to the baby who's so close to being here). Be sure he is getting a lot of extra time with you; don't talk too much about the baby (you may do it more than you think, or he may overhear you and your husband talk about the baby and you may not know it; etc.); and ensure that your husband is spending special time with his son. That could be a huge help, having your husband do more with him right now, and especially when and after the baby comes; tag-team this and let your husband have outings with your son one on one while you get to know baby at first.

Also, have you talked to the teacher about exactly what discipline she uses? You and she together need to find his "currency," and quickly, before the baby comes. A child's "currency" is the thing that he truly, truly values so much that losing it is indeed painful to him; for instance, if your son adores recess at preschool, he might need to lose recess as his discipline for certain things. If he loves his one special TV show each day at home, he needs to lose that when he does action X at home. And you and the teacher need to be consistent --the same consequence, every time, without any negotiation or caving in to tears. Time outs can be good but only if well enforced -- do you return him to time out if he gets up and re-start the clock or add extra time because he got up, for instance?

Discipline him immediately for things that cannot be overlooked (laughing in an adult's face is one, for me, and so is hitting/kicking) but ignore what you can because even "negative attention" (scoldiing, fussing, yelling at the child) is still attention, and right now he is just begging for attention. Give loads of attention when he is good and be cool and walk away--remove your attention and yourself -- when he isn't behaving, except for the serious things that always bring the same consistent disciplines. Work out iin your own head and with your husband exactly how you'll act when he does X, so you both react the same way (not just you, husband too). Don't improvise at the moment your son is acting out --know what you will do when it happens so he gets a consistent response of either being ignored or being disciplined.

What does his teacher suggest about why he's behaving this way? Is he having difficulty in any other area of preschool? Is he able to sit and work on tasks? Is he perhaps too immature for the more structured preschool? Does he perhaps need day care rather than preschool?

What form of discipline is the teacher using? I suggest that disciplining him at home for his behavior elsewhere is not effective. What happens when he laughs in adults faces? Does he get an immediate consequence such as sending him to his room or giving him a timeout?

Is he getting enough sleep? Do you and his dad spend time with him playing and praising him? Does he have regular nutritious meals? Do you have a regular routine so that he knows what to expect when he's at home?

Throwing himself at other children and hiding under tables is expected behavior for that age. Many children are rowdy. That in itself is not cause for punishment or even concern. Are the teacher's expectations for behavior reasonable? Are his grandparents and teachers friendly and kind or are they more authoritarian, not allowing for normal kid stuff and issuing ultimatums instead of working with him to learn better behavior?

I suggest that you stop punishing him at home unless you see the misbehavior first hand. His brain still isn't able to remember long term. What you do at home is not related in his mind to what happened at school and does result in more anger which increases the wild behavior.

Become his ally in learning good behavior. Give him lots of praise when he behaves. Calmly and without anger give him a consequence for misbehavior. A time out or time in his room to think about what he's done.

My daughter allows her children to play in their rooms when they misbehave. She separates them from the situation that isn't working and tells them that when they're ready to behave, being specific in what that is, they can come out and apologize. A 3yo will need help in doing this. Don't expect him to come out on his own. Check on him and ask if he's ready to come out and do what it is you want him to do. When he's able to do what you've asked, give him a hug and let the matter drop.

I suggest that everyone may be paying too much attention to his negative behavior. Focus on what he does right. One way to extinguish (stop) bad behavior is to completely ignore the behavior. When he hides under the table, leave him there and walk away. When he runs at children, stop him, hold him and explain that doing this hurts so and so. Ask him to apologize. That's consequence enough. The goal is to teach.

If changing yours and the teacher's approach doesn't help I suggest you talk with his pediatrician for help. Three is too young to be concerned about ADD/ADH but not for other learning disabilities that can affect behavior. For example my grandson has difficulty with speech. He couldn't talk at 3 and acted out in frustration.

Make sure he is getting enough sleep, enough cuddles, and really cut back in sugar & grains.

Is he like this at home, too? If so, I'd talk to his pediatrician about the behavior. He may need to be seen by a specialist.

Our son's ADHD became crystal clear in preschool. He would kick and spit on his teachers and other kids, in addition to not sitting still, not focusing and not responding to any form of punishment/consequences.

If your son is behaving this way, just a big warning that he's likely to be kicked out. Our son was kicked out at three for the same type of behaviors. Most preschools have little tolerance for any extreme behavior.

Best of luck to you! I really do hope this is just a phase.

N., he's too young for medication, but you do need some support. Get your doctor to recommend a play therapist. She can give the doctor a comprehensive report about your child's needs. One thing I think that she will tell the doctor is that he needs to work with an Occupational Therapist on Sensory integration problems. You cannot fix his behavior if he has sensory problems. A lot of what you are talking about here sounds like sensory seeking. Work on the sensory problems and the behavioral aspect can be dealt with a whole lot easier.

I have a feeling that you have not been consistent with your forms of discipline and motivators. Don't feel like you're a bad parent - it happens to so many around this age. I do think that you need help to put together a behavioral plan. Talk to the play therapist about it.

Good luck!
Dawn

Sorry, but when they are acting out that bad and nothing else is working, I think it's time for a good old fashioned spanking. And he will understand when he gets a spanking at home after school that the spanking was for his behavior at school. I DO NOT buy into the theory that you can't punish that long after the infraction because they don't understand. These are not dogs we're talking about and kids are a LOT smarter than most people give them credit for.

I don't believe it is ADD/ADHD because you say he doesn't do this to you. So he knows how to behave and he can behave when he wants to. He just apparently doesn't want to when you're not around.

I just want to say I am right there with you, I have no really great suggestions we are still working on what might work for us, but I want you to know you are not alone, my 3.5 year old boy (will turn 4 in mid February) is exactly the same! It so frustrating and worrysome. Last week we ended up telling him if he had a bad report from school, he would be spending the entire time from the end of school till bedtime ( except a break to come down for supper) in his bedroom, and have no TV/Screen time of any kind the next day either. After 2 days of that consequence he shaped up his attitude tremendously. His teacher is filling out a chart for me for each day that has a smile face, a straight line face, and a frown face for the 4 parts of their day for respects kids and respects adults.....he knows if there are more frowns than smiles, he will be back in his room all afternoon/evening. This is the only consequence that has had any effect. We also have a basket of rewards for days with lots of smilies - it includes dollar store trinkets as well as his Halloween candy to be given out as incentives - doesn't motivate him much, tho.

Good luck - if you figure it out, let me know - I am praying that it is just a 3 year old boy phase.