Preschool Behavior Issues: My Son Doesn't Want to Do Group Activities

as many have said so far, he is too young. You need to do things with him that he enjoys. Why do we think we all need to do the same things? He might be just interested in something else at the time and his young brain is processing one thing and then we tear him away to do what we want.
We do not need only group thinkers, but independent personalities that have other gifts.
As an adult, if you were into studying a painting and daydreaming how you'd like to be there, and suddenly your husband pulls you away and says time to do our exercise now when you were just appreciating the painting, you'd feel like your need was not met.

Every person, even young children, need to go at their own pace and as your son develops, you will find he has wonderful gifts, which might not match everyone else on the planet and I say, "GOOD for Him!
Our society rewards adults that are "different" but in children, we think we have to make everyone the "same." Think of the salaries and fame of unique dancers, sports figures, etc who have a different skill set. Give your son a break and let him grow up.

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Age 2 is young for preschool. Even at 3, children do more side by side play than real "playing together". He is in a new environment, and it's structured and he's not used to that. I think he's kind of young to participate well in preschool anyway, esp cuz he "just turned 2". If you really want him in preschool, I guess I'd go to the church one because it's a smaller group and he does better in the smaller group.

You might also consider going to Sunday School with him, so he has an opportunity to be with other kids on a weekly basis. But I'd drop the larger group because he's not participating and your getting frustrated. If he were 4 and having these issues, that would be different, but he's only 2. I don't know what the ages of the other kids are, but I didn't put my first child in preschool until age 3.5, and even then she didn't talk to anyone there for 2 weeks, and she was a magpie at home. . . my next 3 children never went to preschool because they had been in daycare since birth, and were getting interaction with other kids there. All my kids have been good students, 2 are adults with active and fulfilling jobs, and 2 are in high school, one in a magnet school with a competitive agenda, and the other in regular public school. I think it's important for them to have those early years to develop at their own pace without a whole lot of pressure to excel or be something they are not.

If you are concerned about behavioral issues, talk to your son's doctor, or an early childhood educator to find out what age-appropriate behavior is. I think he sounds like a 2 yr old, frankly, but I'm online and not there in person to witness any of this. :-)

If you decide to pull him out of the preschool environment, don't think of it as a failure. You tried the preschool thing, it didn't go well, you amended the plan. It's not a failure. Perhaps something different would work better -- like going to the Y for swimming or something ?

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He is simply too young for structured group activities, and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that. Both of my boys were holy terrrors at two and are now happy pre-schoolers at three and (almost) a half ;) Even at that, they are in a pre-school that mixes school with play, so that they get their gross motor skills, their creative (do their own thing by themselves or with others) play, and their "structured" learning. You didn't mention how long these classes are, but - at his age - I wouldn't spend more than 20-30 minutes if they are only doing seated activities with the kids . . . oh, and, stop stressing :)

I would say he is probably not ready for pre-school. Some kids develop readiness for these kinds of activities at an earlier age, some don't and forcing them to comply can cause them to act out. Besides two is awfully young, especially with boys, to expect kids to sit still and to structured activities. Maybe you need to take a break from organized pre-school and try some less structured activities like outings to the playground, and try preschool again in a year or so. Don't push him to hard, or it will back fire and he may end up hating school.

It does take a little time for kids to adjust and behave in a group setting when they are young and new at it, and at 2, your son is very young. It's good you are starting now.

BUT, discipline starts at home. What do you do at home when he refuses to follow directions? Or has meltdowns and yanks away form you? Do you quietly try to lead him to an activity and then leave him alone if he freaks out? These are not "issues that he has", do NOT go down the "something must be wrong with my child" path. These are totally normal behaviors for two year olds until they learn proper behavior. Maybe the other kids are naturally more easy than him, or maybe they are disciplined more at home, or maybe they have been in groups longer. Every child is different, but every child needs effective discipline at home.

I don't want to sound harsh, but all children will act this way if they are allowed. I have several friends who say their kids "march to their own drums" and "have their own ideas about things"etc, which rubs me the wrong way, because my kids are extremely unique, strong willed, talented and creative as well, but I've worked hard to discipline them, while they act as if their kids are more "special" because they throw tantrums. I'm sure you didn't mean that, so I apologize-it's a sore spot!

Anyway, don't expect him to magically follow along the group because he's in class. The teacher shouldn't be doing anyone's preliminary discipline rather than focusing on her school plan. At home, if he throws a fit for any reason, doesn't follow directions when you tell him to do or not do things, he should be disciplined. He will learn with consistency, and then he'll eventually catch on in public as well. It's not too late, he's the perfect age.

My daughter had firm discipline since 18 months old, and I started her in daycare at 3, and horror of horrors, at first, she didn't behave at all! No tantrums or anything, she was happy as a clam, but the teacher told me when I picked her up she didnt' help clean up when told or do things with the group, she went off and did her own thing. I couldn't believe it, since she always follows directions at home. But then I got it, she "didn't get it" that she had to mind someone other than me, and the big fun group scenario spelled total freedom to her! I explained to her nicely that the teacher was in charge and she had to mind her, and that she would tell me if she didn't and that I had "eyes" at the daycare. She got in gear right away and within three days she was one of the group with no discipline at all. But that's ONLY BECAUSE she's always had it at home. You can do it! Teach him his discipline at home-it's 100% your job and not the school's. Good luck!

This is totally normal at 2, and most teachers who teach kids that age understand that and should have a lot of patience with it. We have used a 2-year old program (without mom) because my daughter really wanted to go like her sisters, and she did fine. However, there was mostly free play and craft opportunities, with just short stretches of more structured time. Some kids that age will sit nicely and be engaged in a story or activity, but it's much more the norm to be distracted or want to do your own thing. Kids that age are also learning some independence and they want to have some bit of control over what they do. I have 3 kids, and they all got more comfortable in the group settings at different points, and they're all fine now.

If it's too stressful on you or your son, then drop out and try again in 6 months or next fall. If he seems to enjoy some of it, just relax a little about how he experiences it and maybe look for a place that is more understanding of normal 2-year old behavior.

Good luck - I'm sure he'll be fine!

R.,

I am going through something similar now, also. My son is 3 and he just started preschool at the end of August. He never went anywhere but with family up until the beginning of the summer when we thought daycare might help him with the transition. They did everything but diagnose him with ADHD. They said he could only come half days, so we sent him the half day, and they gave us another negative report. We decided not to send him back there. When he started school, we got the normal, "He's busy" Now, they're throwing in "He can't focus, doesn't make eye contact, is impulsive". Yesterday, we met with the teacher and she, and the EI teacher want him to be evaluated for ADHD. I said I'd try to find a child psychologist, though I wasn't confident. His doctor, my cognitive psych professor and now, I think I've called every child psychologist in the Scranton/Wilkes Barre area and EVERY ONE OF THEM said they can't evaluate him, he's just too young. I feel the same way as you, they don't want to deal with it. Our children need to acclimate to being in a structured environment. They don't need to be labeled, they need TIME. My son is INCREDIBLY BUSY, always on the go. Is your son like this too? I think, from seeing my nieces in action, and then watching my son, that most little boys want to do what they want, when they want. I'm giving him a lot more time to get used to school. I think your son will be fine once he gets used to not being the center of attention. My son, too.

T.

My son is 4 and he was exactly the same way at 2 1/2. Beating his own drum. He is in a full time daycare that also has part day preschool classes. Prior to two years old, he was in a home daycare setting. He is strong willed and persistent, but knows there are rules and is generally well behaved. I am also strongwilled and don't let him get away with bad behavior or temper tantrums or cave to his persistence.

He is an extremely social child and always has been, so his reluctance to participate in "circle time" was a little surprising for me. The teachers never seemed overly concerned about it or reacted to it strongly. They invited him, if he didn't come, he could sit quietly somewhere else in the room. He didn't get to do whatever he wanted, but he did get to choose how much he was going to participate. He was more likely to sit in or on the outskirts of the circle (sometimes he participated and sometimes not) if he was invited to sit with a teacher. His classes had about 10 children then, with two teachers and sometimes a third person as well in the classroom. I can tell you that if I was in the room, it magnified his reaction and he would literally cling to me - completely out of character for him unless he was afraid of something.

He did better last year and is doing wonderfuly this year with circle time and participation in that type of group activity.

Over time, I have learned that although he is outgoing... he still gets very anxious and upset about things. Maybe a little more so than other children. The ways that he shows the worried behavior comes out in different ways in different situations. I think the reluctance to participate in cirlce time was more anxiety than defiance or misbehavior.

I would suggest that you talk to both teachers without him in earshot, ask them their opinion and come up with a plan to help him adjust. I also suggest talking with your son before each class (even a day or two before) and tell him what is going on and what to expect and what behavior you expect from him. Then talk about the class afterwards and all the interesting things that the class did that day and tell him what a big boy he is becoming because he is going to school and how proud you are of him. It might just be anxiety... I hope this helps.

Honestly, he sounds like the only normal one in there! He's fine, just let him do whatever he wants. How would you feel if you were happily trying to read a book and your husband or whoever kept grabbing you and putting you in front of the tv? He seems to find the environment interesting though, so I would keep going.

Try not to feel bad. My son was that exactly same way in activities - until a little after 3. A lot of it was for my benefit and if he went with dad or I wasn't around he was better. Part of it is just him being terribly stuborn and confident in his decisions! And part of it is a maturity thing. Our doctor (after I made a specific visit to discuss this) pointed out that kids even the same age develope maturity at different rates. My son is consistently about 6 months behind his peers in group and friend dynamics.

I would say just give it time, try to act like it's no big deal so he doesn't get your reaction, and hang in there!

At this point I would not worry about your son having any behavioral difficulties from what you describe. Two year olds can be impulsive and inquisitive. They just want to play, explore and have fun. I would think that anyone teaching a class for 2 year olds wouldn't have a problem with kids being "off task". My first thought would be to just go with the flow and let my child have fun as long as it wasn't keeping the other families from getting what they want out of the class. However, if I thought we were too disruptive to the other families and/or my child wasn't getting anything out of the class I wouldn't go back. I'd wait until it seemed more appropriate for my child.

Hi, R.,

What does the teacher say to you about your son's behavior and make suggestions?

Is it a program for both you and your son?

It sounds like you are trying to force the child to do everything you want him to do. Is that right?

He is still a baby. He is learning independence. Find ways to get him to HELP you. Give him choices.

If you continue to be frustrated, take a step back and assess your motivations for your child.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

I think it sounds like he's too young for the class. I really don't think he has behavioral issues -- he's only 2!!

Maybe you could enroll him in a "gym" or swimming type class where he could work out some of his energy, start to get some socialization in but have to conform for a shorter amount of time. My daughter is 2 yrs. 5mos. and all we do is take her to story hour at the library and one music class, once a week. Sometimes she conforms, sometimes she doesn't. Our daughter seems to be a little more "animated" than the other kids, who are usually just sitting there pretty calmly... our daugther is standing up, dancing, spinning, etc. All the other Moms/Grandmoms make comments about her energy level. I don't care, I make sure she's not being a disruption and let her do her thing. I think the other kids are like zombies! :)

In other words, all kids are different, and at this age, I wouldn't worry at all. Good luck!

if he just turned 2...I don't think you should be taking it so hard that he doesn't want to follow the program. Give him a break :-) Maybe in 6 months he'll have a different attitude, but for now, just go with the flow. If he doesn't want to follow, fine. If it's going on when he's a little older, that may be a different story. And that teacher, don't let her get to you. Find other things the child enjoys for now.

Have you talked with the teachers of these groups? 2 years old is young to be able to sit and follow activities. They can give you a bit more information on what behavior that they are seeing with your child and let you know whether the behavior is a little interesting or there could be a problem. They are your best resource.
Work on what they are asking him to do at home. Maybe invite a friend over and play "preschool" where your the teacher and model correct behavior. Talk about it with him. Let him know that you'll give him some type of reward if he participates approcpriately. (stickers, crayons... somethign little that he likes)
My gut says that he just doesn't yet understand the group dynamic. He'll need your help to let him know what's appropriate and what's not.

Hi, R. -
Seems like your son, despite BOTH progams that he's enrolled in, is trying to tell you that he's not ready maybe just yet for socialization? Don't worry about him causing a scene, being disruptive, etc., especially @ 2 years old. Turning 2 is HUGE in development for kids, anyway, so perhaps if you give him his "space" to not feel like he HAS to be socialized right now, it'll be easier for both of you...however, if you CAN'T get him out of either program, find out if you can attend only twice a week (didn't say how often he goes in your post)? Some kids are just like that, especially boys. Don't label him as a "problem child", it's not fair to him OR you. Every 2-year-old girl OR boy is just NOT at the same place developmentally. Please know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT! It just is what it is. I'd suggest having a playdate or two over at YOUR house so that your son is at least comfortable with other kids in his OWN ENVIRONMENT, that way, when he goes to OTHER places w/ other kids, he'll feel more confident to handle those transitions at this age.

Personally, I think it's not worth the hassle to take him to these classes/programs if it means nothing but headaches when you come home from his meltdowns. If my 2-yr-old did the things that YOURS is doing, I would do exactly as I've advised. My bottom line of peace and harmony for myself and my family are way too important to compromise if it means that my own child AND I are not enjoying fun time with other kids/moms.

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you and your family. Don't feel guilty about what you've done or haven't done to show your son that life's really fun if he'd just be open to it, but as parents, we have to respect what works for them AND us. I'm sure that your son will outgrow this phase, and like all phases, you don't know when it'll stop. Just be consistent in showing him a good time without sacrificing your wallet, let alone your overall balance and harmony in your life.

Good luck, I hope I've been helpful and not judgmental :)

Is he on the younger side in these classes? I signed up for a 2/3 year old program with my son right after he turned 2 and I swear he was the only one running around not paying attention or following direction. I soon figured out he was the youngest in the class. I wouldn't worry about this at all, you'll be amazed at how he changes in the next year!

I have two thoughts. First, maybe having him in 2 classes right now is overwhelming him. He is at the age where separation anxiety and independence are emerging. He is having trouble transitioning from one class to another because he doesn't know what to expect. Second don't think there is anything wrong with your son. HE IS 2, IT IS THEIR JOB TO BE DIFFICULT. My son goes to playdates. Sometimes he actively plays with the other kids, sometimes he just plays by himself while he watches the other kids. They are figuring out what they are comfopratable with. If you push him he will probably resist more and not wnat to go. If he is being disruptive, leave for the day and try again another day. Him being seen as the trouble maker will not help him. This should be a fun experience for him. 2 year olds are too young for formal learning. If he is not enjoying himself, leave rather than have you, him and the teacher be frustrated. He will get the hang of it in his own time. And praise him when he does do the planned activity and make a big deal about how much fun it is to do these things together. Kids want to please their parents. If you are enjoying it, he will too. Good luck. Enjoy the time you have with him.

Boo hiss to the teacher that is at her limit. But it does sound like he isn't ready to be in that group and keeping him in it,is just reinforcing that he can do what he wants. I totally understand your reasoning though, screaming and pulling away is super disruptive and i would probably do the same, but he may just need more time.
I see two options, drop the bigger longer class and focus on making the most of the smaller one for now, he really has plenty of time to be in school, next year. Or if YOU can do it, stay in both but the minute he doesn't listen you pick him up and leave and i mean actually get in the car and go home --class is over for the day. if you do that a few times and he doesn't care at all then i would say he isn't getting enough out of being there and pull him completely. if he does mind then it should improve his behavior so that you might only need to remove him from the room and then go back when he can listen.
just had another thought, would he listen to another adult, dad grandma or something? if they took him?

Just my two cents and all of that to say, not really an indication of behavior problems at this young age, Work on being consistent at home and enjoy him being little.

R., Maybe his isn't ready for pre-school at 2 yrs old. Or maybe Mom being there is the issue. Sometimes at that age you have to step back and let the child join in at their own pace. Don't quit. When my youngest was three we started dance classes; she was so excited getting dressed in her tights and leo! (just like her big sisters!) But when we got to class she became very shy and hung back from the teacher and other girls. It was all I could do to sit in the observation room and let her go! But after a few weeks she started to warm up to everyone and participate! Talk to the teacher, try sitting back and letting him join in at his pace and on his terms. Best wishes

Sounds like he is a normal two year old and maybe he is a little over stimulated.