Preparing Toddler for Daddy's Absence

Hi B.,

my name is Tonya what you have been doing is wonderful I have one more suggestion but, it might not work either. try helping her mark the days off on a calendar until daddy comes home. explain to her daddy leaves on this day and will come home on this day. the days in between let her cross them out and that way she knows how many days until dad comes home. hope this works out for you.

Try a camera phone. If she can see daddy it might help. My mother in law sells them and we have one. they are awesome and when dad or mom is goes away for trips we bring the other phone with us.

http://marylemus.acnrep.com/c_index.asp?CO_LA=US_EN

Hi B.,

My brother had to leave his family for weeks at a time. It was HARD on my niece. She was a daddy's girl too. So, to help her he would record her favorite stories onto a cassette. Then my sister-in-law would sit in a big comfy chair and help my niece hold the book and turn the pages as daddy "read" the story. After each story he would tell her a special something about what they were going to do when he got home. This really helped for them. Hope it helps you too.

Your story put tears in my eyes. I know how much children enjoy spending equal time with both parents. My friend had her father put in some sort of monitor/camera (since he moved to Belgium) where he can talk to his family and neices and nephews and see them live. It is like being in the same room with your child, just not being able to touch them. Good luck.

Hello,

The best way is to not make a big deal about it. But it takes all of you to get there. He should call and talk to her on the phone and let her know if she's been good daddy will bring back a surprise. It gets better over time.

~J

Hi B.,

Wow you have really been through a tough patch. It sounds like you have made it through to the other side, but I am sure that there are days when it doesn't feel like it.

Helping prepare your little one for daddy's absence can be trying. Little one take their cues from us, so if you get really upset every time your husband leaves, then your daughter will get really upset. If you treat it like it is a normal routine that happens in your family, which it sounds like it is, then she will also treat it as a normal part of life. I am wondering if you are unknowingly showing anxiety due to the fact that you lost your first husband(perhaps on a business trip)?

One of the ways that you can help her with her separation anxiety is to have a routine that is the same, but can vary when daddy is gone. Perhaps you can video tape daddy reading her favorite bedtime story. You can also show video of daddy playing with her, or on a family outing. If she is missing daddy, then let her play the video to feel close to him. He can even discuss with her that even tho he is gone he still loves her and that he will come back as soon as he can. Part of your routine can include a calendar to show when he is coming back or how many days that daddy is going to be home before he has to leave again.

Deb

I think you've already received some great advice (love the paper chain idea). My only additional thought is: does your husband have any ideas? Too often, as mommies, we try to solve problems on our own. It's his job that is creating this difficulty, what can he do to help his daughter feel more secure and prepared? I'm sure he's probably doing his best, but maybe he's got some other ideas...

I have a 10 yr. old daughter and 4 yr old son. My husband is a college football coach, and is away a lot. Your daughter is right at the really hard stage- age-wise. Try video taping dad reading her a book that she can watch before bed or anytime. Make her her very own photo album with her and Dad to hold and look at. I don't know if you already read her the Kissing Hand - wonderful book about missing someone. It can give her and Dad a way to "hold each other close" even when they are apart, it will help with the transition of him leaving. Maybe you and her can go "somewhere", and you guys say bye to Dad - then he can leave from the house when you are gone. Those tearful good byes are painful for everyone. Also, a neat idea is to make a pillow out of one of dad's shirts so she can be close to him..... in the next year she will be better able to understand how long till he will be back - and a calendar will be helpful.

I feel for you, best wishes.

:) M. S

Is there anyway your husband can find a different job? Or maybe a different position with the same company that would allow him to be home more, or at least not gone for such long stretches?
I know no man wants to change jobs or talk to their boss about making different arrangements, but under the circumstances...

Your daughter needs her dad. She acts that way because she never knows when or if he's coming back. For him to be home for a week or two and then gone for up to a month is very hard to take. How can a two year old possibly understand that? That's difficult for an adult to deal with.

Does he always go to the same town when he leaves, or does he travel all over? If he's going one particular place maybe the family can move there.

Sorry I didn't have an easy answer.

Be blessed.

HI B., Kudos to you for all you have gone through and everyting you are going through. Lot of work. Your story really hit home with me as I have a 2.5yo son that is so attached to his dad it kills me when my husband leaves every Monday to LA. My husband works in homeland security and has a very demanding job. He is in LA 3-4 days a week. Once in a while he may take a week off out of the blue and then he works from home. Our son sees him here full days at times and then he is back on a plane. My son will wake up and walk around the house calling out for daddy. My son just started a jr preschool program and is a very different child at school then at home. Its so challenging because he really acts out his anger while at school and is a peaceful and happy child at home. Im 7 months pregnant and doing it all. I feel like a single mom trying to stay on track. What I have found that works is he has a picture of he and daddy in his room when he was little and he kisses the picture and knows he is with him when he goes to bed. We call daddy every day and send him emails. I also let him pick up the phone when daddy calls. He can't say much but says HI DADDY over and over which helps both of them stay connected. I will also have my son draw pictures for dadddy. I will get out all kinds of fun material and tell him lets make something for daddy when he gets home. It's h*** o* both of us. I just remind myself there are parents at war fighting for our country and I can't imagine what those parents are going through on both ends keeping their families together. At times my husband will bring home a treat for our son when he gets home. My issue is once my husband gets home im chop liver. meaning, my son will not listen to me at all. Its about daddy and nothing else. He hugs daddy so hard you would think he was choking him. My husband is home on the weekends so that is a blessing. I usually let the two of them have an entire day together and bond and I leave. Its hard and my heart goes out to you. I agree with some of the other responses. Have a schedule. I do with my son and at some point in our day we set aside the time to talk about daddy and make him a picture so he knows even though daddy isn't here he is in our hearts. I really enjoy this site. All you mom's pat yourself on the back today and don't beat yourelf up.

SAHM, 2.5yo son and baby boy due in July 08.

You might try making construction paper chains, one link for every day Daddy is gone, then she has a visible way of knowing when he's coming back. We also use a webcam whenever possible to chat over the 'net. It helps when they can see him. My husband doens't have to travel that much, maybe 3 weeks out of a quarter and usually together, but it's still hard. Make sure you plan some special activities for those tough times to distract her, too. I find that when I have things planned, it's so much easier and the kids get along so much better, too. Good luck and hang in there!

If you have a video camera, I recommend videoing him reading her favorite stories. Perhaps, if there is a game they play frequently (what does the animal say? what color is this?), he can also be videotaped playing with her or, on his own for her to play when he is not around. Also, webcams are not extremely expensive and may be worth while.
Even at her age, she can "write a letter" to daddy, or draw a picture and have her tell you the story that you can write down and mail it to him. Likewise, she might enjoy getting postcards and other letters from him.
Another idea is to get a big calendar that you hang at her height and mark off days until daddy comes home. Circle the date and count down. Then, on the day of his arrival, you can plan a "party" with lemonade and a special hug and kiss.
Good luck,
J.

B., my husband doesn't travel nearly as often as yours but when mine does leave my daughter (who was 4 the first time we did this) and I would look at a calendar and circle the day that he was coming home and then every night before bed she would cross off a day on a calendar. Your daughter may be a little young to understand the concept of the calendar, but having something tangible that she can see (ie, getting closer to the day your husband will be retruning) she may be able to get at this age.

Also, someone else talked about the role that your husband can/should play in working this through with you daughter...I just want to reiterate that. It is really important that we as mamas stand back sometimes and let the daddies talk to their kids and come up with ideas and lines of communication. I am often amazed at the ways my kids and their dad can work through things when I step back and don't try to interfere (it's sometimes really hard, but when you see the end result it is clear that it is the right thingt to do). Your husband sounds like a wonderful man/father, give him a chance to talk to your daughter about how they would like to handle the separation issues.

Good luck!

As the wife of a retired Navy man, I have been through something akin to what you're experiencing. My husband was gone for usually about seven months, then back home for about a year at a time. During the year at home he often had those little two week trips "out of town" (actually out on the Pacific Ocean on a ship). Those short trips were by far the hardest on us.
All I can tell you is that constant 'preparation' is the way I dealt with it. We talked all the time about what daddy did and what was coming up next. It wasn't like being morbid about the fact that he'd be gone, just upfront and practical about what was going to happen and how we'd deal with it. About a week before he was due to leave, I'd have a sit down talk with the kids and say something like "next Tuesday Daddy will be going out to sea for two weeks. We need to have as much fun with him now as we can and be ready to take over doing his part at the house while he's gone." It was never easy, but by including them that way, I think it made the transitions smoother. My experience was that it was harder when he was coming home, because we had developed our own little routines while he was gone and had to remember to really include him in family life while he was home. So I tried to put the emphasis more on what we could do for him and what he had missed by being gone, than on what we missed by him being gone. I realize that you have to get this down to the level of a two year old, but maybe if you can get those older boys in on it with you and talk to them in her presence, she might pick up on it better than if you try to directly deal with her.
What the other person said about your husband getting a different job sure may sound tempting, but that isn't always a viable option. Kids do survive these situations and the best thing is to make the best of it yourself and help her through it. I also found that my own reaction to my husband's leaving was a key to how my kids responded. I let them know it devastated me to have him gone, but that we'd get through it together. And I always let them know that it wasn't any easier on him than it was on us... in fact maybe worse.

Just remember, you're not alone. Think of all the military wives and families with their guys (or gals) in Iraq or other parts of the world right now, and know that just as they are surviving, you and your kids will too.

Hi B.,
Have you tried an online program like skype? It is a free software that allows you to to both instant messaging and videoconferencing. All you would need is a small camera to attach to your computer if yours does not have one built in. Your computer should have microphone and speaker. The skpe website recommends a specific camera if you don't have one. We do this all the time with my husbands parents who live in another country. My daughter who is 19 months loves to see them and interacts. Maybe this is an option for your family...
Here is the website http://www.skype.com/welcomeback/ They advertise themselves as a cheap way to call, but the I.M. and video conf. are free. Good luck.

I went through the same thing with my oldest son. (now 28) He would literally lay down in his daddy's suitcase. So daddy made an audiotape of stories like the ones he made up and told our son at bedtime. At bedtime or whenever he got lonely for daddy, we played the tape. It helped a great deal. I am sure this would work with daddy just reading a book or talking to him as well. And having a special calendar to mark the days helps. Good Luck. :o) T.

It seems to me you're doing everything you can to help make this an easy transition for you daughter. The problem is that she's only 2 & this sort of absence is a hard concept for her to grasp emotionally, cognitively & developmentally. To her, he's just gone & not coming back. Keep doing what you're doing, keep her busy, calls to Daddy, make pictures for him. Maybe mark off on the calender when he'll be back so she can physically see it. But, it's still a hard concept for a 2 yr old. The only thing that will probably help is when she's more mature & can understand it better. While it would be great for him to change his job, that is probably not an option. Sorry I didn't have much advice for you but I'm sure as she matures, it will get better. Good luck!

It sounds like you're doing everything right. We went through something very similar with our oldest when he was a toddler and my huband's work required him to be gone something like 5 out of 6 months. Although it's tough on your daughter, it's really h*** o* you to see her go through it and pulls at your own guilt-strings. Just know that you are doing all you can and are attempting, in every possible way, to keep the situation as positive as possible. Also, this will not last forever. My older son is not affected to nearly the same degree as he was during his toddler years for daddy's now few-and-far-between absences, though my toddler also has a tough time the way your little one does. It's very developmental for them to feel the absence so profoundly and although it's "normal", I know firsthand how tough and guilty you feel as a mom. Just keep an end in-sight and maybe on those days he has to leave, it could be a fun day to take a walk down to the coffee shop and order her a milk, get yourself a latte and read a little book with her or something to get both of your minds off of it and have a new ritual to look forward to during those tough days. Best of luck!

i would try a count down calendar. although she is a little young to fully understand i think after you do it once or twice she will start to understand better. just make a calandar with the number of days daddy will be gone and then let her put a sticker on it everyday or cross off each day so she will have a visual aid as to when daddy will be be home. my son is 2 and i think he would probably be able to better understand the passage of time in that way. good luck

is there anyway your husband can change jobs so he is with his family? or that you can move to be where he works?
It seems so sad to have to prepare your kids for their daddy to be away when it seems the right decision is to have daddy at home.

First of all he should NEVER sneak out on her. She needs to be able to say good bye and get hugs and kisses.

Your husband also needs to set aside a time every day while he's gone to talk to her on the phone. It will help tremendously. My husband and I were separated for two years and this helped my daughter greatly. Very rarely was a call missed. My husband always called before bedtime.

See about investing in those video phones so that she can see her Daddy while talking to him, and he her.