Preparing a 3-Year-old to Be a Big Sister

Uh oh, just letting you know - it sounds like you might be in for a handful. Some kids just naturally resent their siblings more than others. My oldest was such.

After the baby is born: have special one-on-one time with just her, and mirror her emotions. In her case, that will at times probably be something like: "It sure felt better when you were my only baby, didn't it?" Can you bring yourself to say something like that if you know that's how she's feeling? Hard as that will be to say, you will get a positive response if you can say things like that now and then.

I learned the hard way.

When we were expecting our 2nd, we took our then 2 year old out shopping and had her pick out a stuffed toy for her soon-to-be born sister. Of course, she got a little something too, but we made it a big deal about the gift from Big Sister to Little Sister.

My husband stayed at home with our oldest during the summer before our second was born. He used a Glo-Worm and taught our oldest how to swaddle, hold a baby, rock a baby, etc. But the focus was always on our son's Glo-Worm, so we didn't even really use the word baby around him. He was just learning how to care for his Glo-Worm. About two weeks before our second was born, we started talking about the baby, how he could take care of the baby like he took care of hte Glo-Worm, etc. And when he came to the hospital, his little brother gave him a "hello, thanks for being my big brother" gift. They've been in love ever since.

My daughter was two when her brother was born, and we bought her a baby doll a few months before he was born. She loved the baby doll and started carrying it everywhere. After he was born, I would tell her that Mommy has a baby, just like her baby (of course, with the explanation that her brother is much more fragile and she had to be careful with him). She would carry her baby around and she even lifted her shirt and pretended to feed her baby while I was breastfeeding my son.

Your daughter is a little older, though, and the age of three is a tough year anyway (I really believe it's the terrible threes rather than the terrible twos). But you could try to buy her a baby doll now, or maybe give her one as a gift for when the baby is born. My daughter had a toy stroller to push her baby around in, and a bib and things like that. It's possible that your daughter would like to pretend taking care of her own baby doll while you have your new baby....it could be something you could try. Good luck, and congratulations on your new baby!

our now 3yo was the same way when we got pregnant with her little brother last year. at first she was very anti-baby too, would say no if you asked her if she was going to be a big sister, etc. We just kept talking about the baby, and encouraging her to talk to my belly and would tell her about the baby and she went to one of my doctor's appointments with me and heard the baby's heartbeat (it was in the middle of my pregnancy, so no exams while she was with me!). i think hearing the heartbeat and seeing the ultrasound pictures really made it real for her and helped her be okay with it. now she just adores him and always wants to do things with him, even though he's only 4 months old. also, our local hospital has a "big brother/big sister" class, that you can send the sibling to, that lasts about 30 minutes i think, and they see how to change a diaper and all about the baby and things like that, and she got to make a bib for him too. that was definitely helpful too. just keep encouraging her to interact and eventually she should come around!

You are expecting your second child. There has been a lot of hubbub in your household related to the impending miracle of birth: painting and decorating a new baby’s room; shopping for furniture, clothing, and supplies; and a variety of baby showers and excited visitors. It’s easy to see how your first-born child may feel like s/he is losing significance in your world. How do you prepare your first child for the arrival of the new baby and reinforce to your first-born that s/he is just as loved as always?

Tell your first-born about your pregnancy as soon as you think your child is capable of absorbing the information and in a manner that is consistent with your first-born’s level of comprehension and interest. For example, you might say to your two-year-old, “You are going to have a baby brother or sister next summer.” Or you might say to an older child, “We are pregnant. The baby is due in August.” Discuss the special relationship between siblings. Does your first-born have friends with siblings? Can s/he tell you stories about those sibling relationships? Tell your first-born positive stories about the relationships you and your partner have with siblings.
As your pregnancy ensues, ask your first-born how s/he is feeling about getting a new sibling, what his/her hopes and fears are about life and/or the baby, etc. In an age-appropriate manner, share information as proactively as possible and respond to all inquiries from your first-born. Most of your first-born’s fears will be fears of the unknown (”Will Mommy still love me?”), so by providing as much information as is age-appropriate, you limit the number of unknowns. In large part, let your first-born decide what is age-appropriate. If s/he asks where babies come from, assume that the question is literal (i.e., “The baby is in my tummy.”). If your first-born seeks supplemental information, provide the level of information that the child seeks. Let your first-born know that you are open to his/her questions, and answer his/her questions honestly, age-appropriately, and as positively as is realistic.
Include your first-born in planning for the arrival of baby. If your first-born feels that s/he has voice in his/her outcomes, s/he will be less likely to feel like s/he is being marginalized by you, the new baby, or circumstances.
Frame and hang a picture of your first-born in the baby’s room to reflect the significance of the connection between siblings.
In private, ask people who express excitement about your pregnancy to share positive comments about your first-born as well. For example, your best friend may say, “I am so excited about the birth of your new baby! And Chris, you are going to be an awesome older sibling! You are so kind and loving: I know you’ll be great!”
Ensure that not all conversation around your first-born is about the baby. Your first-born needs to know that some conversation can be just about him/her. For example, how was his/her day at school?
Spend time reinforcing your connection with your first-born. Look through his/her baby pictures together. Tell him/her stories about all the excitement when you were pregnant with him/her.
If your first-born is old enough, read an age-appropriate pregnancy-related book together, visit a friend with a newborn and let your first-born hold and relate to that newborn, let your first-born learn to attend to a newborn by practicing on a dolly, take your first-born with you to a doctor’s appointment so that s/he can hear the baby’s heartbeat, etc. As noted in #1 above, you should be as proactive as is age-appropriate on these activities. So, it’s best to expose your first-born to another newborn or a dolly as early as possible in (and frequently throughout) your pregnancy.
Keep schedules as routine as possible. If you alter your first-born’s wake and sleep cycle, you will increase the likelihood of emotional upheaval.
Minimize the number of not-pregnancy-related changes happening around your first-born. If you are moving to a new home or going through other major changes while pregnant with your second child, your first-born can become overwhelmed. For changes that are pregnancy-related, the earlier they occur in the pregnancy, the better for your first-born’s adaptation. If your first-born will be moving to a different bedroom in anticipation of the birth, have your first-born relocate as early in your pregnancy as possible. If you will be hiring a nanny for additional help when the baby arrives, introduce the nanny prior to the arrival of the baby, so your first-born is familiar with them...http://tinyurl.com/66syfwo

Four (plus!) months is a long time for a 3-year-old - and that's how long it will be until she is forced to deal with a baby sister. So give her some time to come to it on her own. When my oldest was 3, and nearing his 4th birthday, he announced that he did not want to turn 4, and so he just wasn't going to do it. We said, OK. That's fine. Do you still want a party? Initially, the answer was no party, no presents, I'm not turning 4. Then, he thought a party would be OK, but he still wasn't turning 4. Finally, about a week before his birthday, he said that he thought he might turn 4 after all - and it was all fine from there. Sometimes, with big changes, they just need some time. (We had moved across the country when my son was three, and he got a baby brother in that year, too. He just needed to feel like he was in control of something, and he chose to try to control his age.) Get some books about new babies (We liked "Baby on the Way" by Sears clan) and put them on her shelf, but don't force her to read them - wait for her to choose them herself. Offer to include her in all the baby prep you do (paint color for the baby's room, assembling furniture, etc.) Ask her if she'd like to come along to your drs appts to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. But allow her to say "no" to all of these offers - and continue to invite her to be a part of things, even if she said "no" last time you asked. (You continue to do all the things to get ready that you need to do, and you don't need to hide these things from her, or drop what you're doing to pay attention to her - if she wants to join you, you'd love that, but if she wants to go play with her blocks instead, that's fine, too, but you need to finish what you're doing. You can make space for her to resist the change without enabling her.)

You can also do some things for her to help assure her of her unique place in your family - does she want a new paint color in her room? When I was pregnant with my youngest, my oldest and I started going to the St. Paul Central library for their saturday morning programs (puppet shows, magic shows, nature presentations, music, etc) - and then once my youngest was born, I left the baby with my husband while my oldest and I continued to go to the Sat morning program - it became our weekly date, just the two of us.

Most hospitals also have a "sibling class" for families who will be giving birth in their facility. The one we did through HealthEast for our son was pretty good.

Let her take her time. If you continue gentle offers of involvement and information, but allow her space to process it at her own speed, she will come around.

Just like my daughter, except she wanted a sibling.

My daughter, was 3 when I was pregnant with my son.
She was the only Granddaughter and the only child. She was the 1st, everything. For 4 years. My kids being 4 years apart.

During my pregnancy with my son, I made my pregnancy about prepping HER. Not it just being about 'my' pregnancy.
I talked with her about it, I took her to my prenatal appointments, which my Doctor, encouraged. He even taught her how to use the Doppler heart monitor on my tummy. Every month, I took photos of her with my growing tummy. She talked to my tummy (her baby brother), she sang to him, she rubbed my tummy. She bonded with him, even before he was born. We shopped together for him. I explained, in a way she could understand, about baby development. Meaning: that babies cry, they wake, they wake up a lot, Mommy breastfeeds him just like I did her, but it is MOMMY's job... she does not have to worry.

I also told her, her life is the same. I do not "expect" her to suddenly grow up or to be perfect. I do not expect her to 'share' everything. It is up to HER what she wants to share. This is very important for a child to know.

Basically, I spent my pregnancy, prepping my daughter. As I got farther along and less able to get around and got more fatigued, we'd even nap together. I explained, I had to take care of my tummy etc. She understood.

I also explained how it will be when I am in the hospital. That daddy will take care of her.

I also explained how it will be once baby comes home. Her routines etc.

All of this, helped a great deal. She adjusted fine. She was not jealous. She 'knew' what to expect... because I explained this to her all along during my pregnancy and after.

I found the book Siblings without Rivalry really helpful.

Good luck!

We had our sun just after our daughter turned 3. She was never anti-baby, but we also did a few things to prepare her for having a sibling. First, like others have suggested, we bought her a doll and taught her to feed, swaddle, change, etc. She had a stroller and a bed for her baby too.

Second, we bought a present for her from her baby brother - she received it when she came to the hospital to visit us. We also had her pick out a present to give her brother which she brought with her to the hospital. Buying the present before her brother was born helped her to become excited to give him something - and having him give her a present just sealed the deal for her.

Finally - we bought her a "bathtime" doll. It came in a bathrobe, had pretend soaps and a washcloth - and it had its own baby bathtub. We made baby brother's bathtime a family affair - she would put her baby's bath on the counter near her brother's bathtub and would give her baby a bath while I gave her brother a bath. It really gave her a sense of participating in all the extra care that the baby required. We encouraged her to feed her baby when we were busy feeding her brother.

Also - setting aside some one on one time is important. We made sure that each of us and even Grandparents took our daughter on special outtings just for her in the first few months. Getting that one on one attention really helped her. Even now at age 5 and 2, we have a little sibling rivalry but for the most part she adores her little brother and he adores her.