December 06, 2008,
S.T. asks from Troy, NY on December 04, 2008
I have asked couple of questions in the past and you ladies have been of a great help to me. I have couple of questions this time. First question, I read one of the comments recently here in Mamasource and someone said something about when you ovulate, the mucous gets thicker...am I correct? Can someone explain that to me and I have had three boys and I would like to have a girl and I can't really undertnad the chinese calendar. Second question is am I right to feel that I don't want another child yet. The first two are a year and three weeks apart and the second and third are 21 months apart. The last two weren't planned, but they are blessing. I am not ready for another yet and my third is 15 months old. My husband is questioning when we will have the fourth child, he hopes before the end of next year. Because he wants our third to have someone to play with. I understand, but when I was pregnant with all three, I had gastational diabetes. I gain so much and yet I didn't eat much and now I am trying to get the rest off and am losing weight. I had to have pitocin (correct spelling?) because I could not go into labor on my own and pitocin has soooo many side effects and makes me lose cookies just before the baby comes. I don't think we are financially capable to have one right now and I am trying to get my life on track with three boys and will be homeschooling them which is my desire. Yes, I feel one more would be great, but not now. Please understand, my husband is a great husband and father and works five days a week and is involved father with all three of our boys. Also, please do not reply with negative comments about my husband since he is not forcing me, but questioning. Thanks.
So What Happened?™
I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtfulness and their opinions. It's great to be able to ask you women for your opinions and share your experiences. My husband truly understands that I don't want to get pregnant right now and the reasons I have are very good reasons. He's very understandable and I truly understand that he just turned 38 and I turned 35 he doesn't like the thought of being 40 and having a child. As someone suggested, wait another 4 months and right now, the two older boys will have a birthday party the same day this month since this is their birthday month. Because of this month being a busy month, perhaps next year when things are calm and settled down then maybe we'll have another wonderful gift from Heaven above. My mom will look down at wonderful grandchildren she has and be blessed. My husband and I went to the marriage conference this past weekend (A Weekend To Remember by FamilyLife)and the first time away alone in 4 years and it was WONDERFUL!!! I was able to get closer to him once again. Jesus is my #1 source of information and security is found in Him. Thank you Ladies!!
R.C. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
If you are not ready to have another baby and feel it's best for you to wait... then explain your reasons to your husband, I'm sure he'll understand and want to do what is best for you...
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S.L. answers from Binghamton on December 05, 2008
Don't berate yourself for not wanting a child now. Please listen to your gut and don't get pregnant. You've had health issues, have your hands full with your boys, and you are grieving. Never make any big decisions the first year after a loved ones passing. Your husband sounds like a sweetie so I'm sure he will understand. Also, check out the book Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman.
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N.D. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
Its YOUR body and YOU will do most of the caretaking. Lovingly explain this to your adoring husband and tell him you need a break.
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R.L. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
Your cervical mucous changes during ovulation. The rest of the month it is creamy, lotion-like, or even more dried out feeling. During ovulation it is more slippery, clear, and egg white like. Some women have loooong stretchy cervical mucous which is really fertile stuff. Have you ever heard of a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility? It's a wonderful book all about your fertility signs, how to recognize them and work with them for getting pregnant, or avoiding pregnancy.
yes, I think you are right not to have another child right now b/c you clearly don't want to have another one right now. That is the biggest reason. You have stated all the reasons why, they are logical and make sense, so be at peace with that. Tell your husband you are just not ready yet. Maybe agree to talk about it again in 4 months. In the mean time, get your body healthy and where you want it to be. Your 15 months old WILL play with the rest of your children, you do not have to have another child for someone to play with. Financial reasons are also a consideration for you, so talk to your husband about costs involved and make sure this is something that would be good for your family to do.
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J.S. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
You have a lot of good advice as I scanned over what was here so I'll try not to get redundant.
All 3 of my children were complete surprises and each a blessing. First, I've never actually heard of choosing the gender, but if it's possible, then I'd do it holistically. I am very much against drugs (legal or otherwise) and there are some things that popping a pill cannot help.
Secondly, you know what you went thru when you had your other children, the stress on your body, all the changes, and don't forget about labor! That in and of itself can send some women running into the OR for a tubal ligation. I have 3 children, my 2 boys are 18 mo apart and the third came when I was in the middle of my divorce (talk about stress!) and so there is a 6 year difference with my younger son and daughter but I found that having my boys close was pretty good because they grew up together and weigh wise, I wasn't quite back to where I wanted to be, but then I had the chance to lose it all at once.
The bottom line is this: if you think you are ready, then go for it. If not, then explain to your hubby that you aren't ready yet and you'd like a bit more down time. My boys were terrific with my daughter and extremely protective of her, too, so your boys might react the same way if you wait, too. I'm not saying it'll happen, but it could.
In the end, the decision is yours and does not necessarily even need to include your husband (not what I would do) but you know your body and what you can and cannot handle. I wish you the very best of luck in your quest and with your family. If I can be of further assistance, please reach out to me...good luck!
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H.G. answers from New York on December 04, 2008
You're a devoted, wonderful mom. Wait until you're totally ready before trying for another one. I'm sure you've got your hands full with those little guys. Enjoy your time with them, and don't rush into another one!
You'll know when the time is right.
K.K. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
Yes, you are correct. The mucus does get thicker when you ovulate. I conceived my daughter when the mucus was really thick. The Chinese calendar goes by the month & your age that you conceive. It was right on the money with my daughter. I got pregnant in August 06 & I was 32...according to the Chinese calendar, I was going to have a girl. Call it coincidence or chance. I am not sure what the formula is though. It has been accurate for a lot of people that I know. I recently checked the Chinese calendar because I am trying to get pregnant with baby #2 and it would be nice to have a boy since we already have a daughter. Don't get me wrong, whatever God brings us is truly a blessing and the main thing is that the baby is healthy. We are experimenting to see if it really works lol. I have been doing research on how to conceive a boy and have used the Chinese calendar and the different positions that have been successful in having a boy(we know it is 50/50). We won't be heartbroken if we do not have a boy. It is fun to experiment. :0)
Your feelings are your feelings. To me, what someone feels is never wrong. If you do not want another child yet, it's okay. It is great that your husband is supportive. Good luck!
J.J. answers from New York on December 05, 2008
it sounds like you have two issues going on;
one is, you'd like to have a girl.
two is, regardless of girl or boy, it's very clear that you have as much as you can handle right now, and i think that's very SANE and SENSIBLE of you.
this may sound harsh, but i think this is the kind of thinking part of you wants to hear right now; most marraige problems start over money problems. even though your husband is clearly a child-loving, supportive person with the same goals as you, he may not be realistic about the financial, and other kinds of stresses, on your marraige, with so many children. it's up to you to take charge of this decision. even the best husbands are usually out of touch with what it costs and how much work it is to raise the children. it seems to me from what you wrote that girl or boy, you feel your family is maxed out, at least for right now, and i think you have to ask your husband to respect and support that. because and overwhelemd mother is an unhappy person, and not the best mom she can be. and a father who is angry about how much money is being spent that he doesn't understand, is also bound not to be very happy.
you still have plenty of time to have more kids. i was 35 when my first child was born, 37 for my second. i know a lot of very healthy first time and multiple time moms having babies into thier 40s. why don't you give your body a MUCH NEEDED BREAK, get all your wonderful boys into your own homeschooling system or into regular school whatever works best, get all the miles stones squared away, doing thier chores, and in like 3 or 4 years, have one more child. i think you need a break. and your boys really need your attention.
as far as choosing the sex, going the medical route in that pursuit is going to cost you a lot of money that it sounds like you'd rather save for other things. maybe a good break before your next pregnancy will allow you time to research more things you can do holistically and SAFELY and CHEAPLY to encourage your body to make a girl. and maybe this block of time would also give you the chance to reflect on how happy you would still be with another wonderful boy. maybe you are a boy-machine! i have a friend who is. 5 boys! you know you will love whatever baby you get. sure a girl is great, but i don't think it's wise to just keep having kids until you get one. you're sure to run out of money, health, and patience eventually.
one other thought; if you REALLY want a girl that bad, and you want to protect your health, why not do something even more unusual and adopt a girl? if you'd like a baby you can take in one of the many children in the foster care system who really needs your help and ultimately you would very likely be able to adopt that child. just google "adoption" or "foster care" for your area and i'm sure a zillion resources will come up.
lots of luck and love to you,