J.S. asks from New Port Richey, FL on May 30, 2010
Pregnancy After Stillborn...
Hi all, I am almost 22wks pregnant and on bed rest for unexplained pains and pressure. 4 years ago I had a stillborn daughter at 21wks. That was my first pregnancy and this is my second. I feel like I can't get past the pain of losing my first and the fear that it will happen again. Does anyone have any advice for ways to deal with the grief that has re-surfaced since I became pregnant?
A.F. answers from Orlando on May 31, 2010
I pray that right now God would give you the peace and joy you need to expect a wonderful beautiful baby. Do not let the enemy draw you back to the grief - you are HERE now. Please, please pray and ask God to take over - that your thoughts and mind focus on the living baby inside of you now.
I will be happy to talk and pray with you as often as you need me.
1 mom found this helpful
J.A. answers from Jacksonville on May 31, 2010
I understand your pain completely. I don't know of a way to avoid some of the grief returning, and no matter what others say it's impossible not to worry some.
Try to focus on your hopes and plans, focus on the wonderful traits of the man you are sharing this baby with. Write a letter to the baby you are carrying each day while on bedrest. Tell the baby your life story, how you and Daddy met, whatever helps you focus on good things in your life.
None of this will erase the pain or fear, but will help you cope better with it. I have lost three children 22-26 weeks along, and I have four children. I understand your pain, but hang in there and focus on this baby. My prayers will be with you.
1 mom found this helpful
M.C. answers from Washington DC on May 30, 2010
Losing a child is very hard. All of the hopes, dreams, and moments that won't be. Every mom that has lost a child has the same feelings. Every mom who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth is very anxious during their next pregnancy.
I was lucky enough to become pregnant just 4m after my miscarriage. I was so stressed waiting for something to happen that I missed the joy of the pregnancy.
My husband wanted to enjoy all of the intimacy freedom that comes with pregnancy, but I wouldn't let him near me. I didn't want any reason for there to be a problem. When I explained my fear, he got mad. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that he didn't fee the same way.
My point is that while you may still be morning your loss, which is okay, don't forget to enjoy this pregnancy too.
1 mom found this helpful
G.B. answers from Tulsa on May 30, 2010
My sister lost 1 baby at about 8 months and then she was carrying twins and lost them at about 6 months. She had a very hard time when she got pregnant the last time. She had weekly appointments with her doctor and just about had a nervous breakdown. She was able to carry the last baby full term and she was born right on time and very healthy.
I did some research on SIDS while in college and I found some interesting information that might apply here. When mothers loose a child, even to miscarriage, they mourn right then and continue on mourning for however long. A first time father doesn't really understand being a father so they really don't fully mourn. When the father has another child and he holds that baby and bonds with it they go through their mourning for the baby they lost because they understand at that time what it is to be a father and lose a child.
To make my point it is the most natural thing in the world to be in mourning again. You are experiencing the loss of your child all over again. It will get easier, you might see if you can find a group for support so you can have other people who have experienced the loss of a child too. It helps to be able to talk to others.
1 mom found this helpful
T.W. answers from Denver on May 30, 2010
I had the same thing happen at about 19 weeks and it is VERY painful. The one thing I kept reminding myself is that the little one I lost was not healthy and I would never want my dear baby to suffer in life. I was happier that my baby got to spend perfect days with God instead of suffering days here on earth. It doesn't mean that I don't still worry or feel sad that I lost that baby, I just try to remember that there is a bigger plan and my baby is happy now.
I have since had another baby girl and am pregnant again. I must say, I am as always quite concerned but continue to hope for the best. I focus every day on the miracle I have inside me and remember that there is no benefit in worrying about something that has not happened and probably won't happen. It will only make me feel bad and this baby can feel that too.
As hard as it is, just try to focus on the good and know that regardless of what happens, only work on what you CAN control, not what you CANNOT.
Good luck to you, and enjoy, you only have a few short opportunities in life to enjoy the beauty of pregnancy, don't waist it worrying. = )
S.S. answers from Miami on May 31, 2010
I have a few suggestions for dealing with those feelings so they do not become your new child's reality. Seek out a professional who practices Touch For Health and/or a Cranial Sacral specialist who can help body and mind come together and let those emotions go. If you do not, your little one will get caught up in that "bad methalation tree" which causes delays, autism, OCD and others.Another important thing is to try not to be on bed rest so much. Your baby needs movement in order for the central nervous system to develop normally. The vestibular system needs movement to form a sense of balance and time and spatial awareness, auditory processing of sounds and sensations all get matured in utero. You can rock, roll around, walk, get on workout ball to sit and bounce a bit and maybe swim if allowed. Think of ways to increase movement that is not too strenuous on you. If you are on bed rest your whole pregnancy your baby is at high high risk of Sensory Processing Disorder and movement issues. If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. Good luck.
E.T. answers from Chicago on May 30, 2010
I have not experienced having a stillborn, but I did have 3 miscarriages in a row and no pregnancy for 6 years after the last one. Then we were blessed with our little Ariana who is now 4. So,I do understand the stress that you are feeling. The best advice that I can give is what my mom gave to me...laugh! Laugh from the very depth of your soul. When you laugh from the belly,you feel wonderful and your baby will feel it too. It sounds simple, but it works. Find things in life that make you smile and laugh from the belly my friend. I love the tv show called Frazier, so my husuband purchased all of the seasons and EVERYday we watched at least 2 episodes.
I wish you well and hope you will let us know how you are doing.
G.M. answers from Modesto on May 30, 2010
Hi J., I'm sorry for your loss. You need to think about the "positive" now and not the past tragedy. 4 years is a long time to mourn. You have been blessed with another pregnancy. We all have unexplainable pains and pressure during pregnancy so don't get overly paranoid. I'm sure it just seems like yesterday when you miscarried, but you need not stress during this pregnancy. Think about positive things and count the weeks before your little gift will be here to wipe out all the bad past feelings. Listen to your body and take care of yourself while you are being the incubator. Everything is going to be just fine. Are you having a girl or a boy? Have you chosen any names yet?