27 answers

Pre-teen Daughter with Bad Attitude- Has Anyone Tried the "Total Transformation"

My daughter, who will be 13 in May, is constantly pushing the limits with both me and my husband , her step-father. Whether it is refusing to help around the house or constantly trying to shirk responsibilities (like homework, obligations for her youth group or cutting out on sports pratices) it seems like all we do lately is argue. I keep hearing ads on the radio about the Total Transformation behavior program and am wondering if anyone has tried it.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I bought it for my daughter, because she has 4 daughters but she has not used it. She said she is looking at it now, as her last 2 daughters are 13, and 11 years old.

Maybe she can let you know when she puts it in to practice.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
I don't know anything about Total Transformation, but there is a
Teen Love & Logic class that will be starting on March 10th. It
will be held on Monday evenings from 6:30-8:30 pm. The cost is $50 individual & $78 per couple. The phone # is ###-###-####. A woman by the name of Colleen Oshier is giving the classes. It may be worth a try. Good luck.

M.

More Answers

Hi A.,
I am the mother of a 30 year old daughter and a 15 year old daughter. When each of them went through the "bad attitude" stage, it was a time I had to grow and develop myself as a parent. I had to learn how to create more harmony in my home. I took parenting classes and went to counseling with my children and my husband (who was also the step dad). What I learned is that a child with a bad attitude is asking for you to set limits with them. They want you to teach them how to become the best that they can be.
I don't know if the "Total Transformation" can help you in your situation, but here is what I learned:
We had to take time to create a vision for our family. How did we want out family life to be? We had to take time every week and sit down and talk about it and write it down. We got a notebook and each took turns being the "leader" of the meeting (even our children). We talked about all of the important parts of family life- how we spent our time, money, vacations, energy, what our rules were, who did what chores, what the allowances were, what we valued and were committed to and how we wanted to treat one another and we wrote this all down. Once we had this in place, it was easier to create boundaries that made sense. Since the kids had a role in creating this, they were much more willing to listen and understand where we as parents were coming from.
We also wrote down all of the priviledges my children had. There were more than thirty-from the most basic like food and water, shelter, clothing and education (a luxury in many developing nations) to allowance, transportation, telephone, entertainment, shopping, etc. and the list goes on and on... We set up consequences so that if she didn't follow the rules we all set up as a family (for example, speaking respectfully), she would lose a previledge for a certain number of days. It was really difficult at first. One time she lost going Trick or Treating for Halloween. She ended up going out anyways without our OK and lost all but her most basic priveledges and had to slowly earn the rest back. She graduated with honors from her college a few years ago and now is succesful in her career as an educator. She tells us our setting up priveldges and consequences was the best learning experience for her in her whole life. I hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

hi A.. first let me say that i feel for you, having raised a couple sisters inthe past i'm sure your family must be going thru a very difficult time.
your daughter is going thru a difficult time right now. she is kind of in limbo with her self idenity. she is kind of stuck trying to figure out what her role is in life.... she's not a little girl anymore but she's not a woman and i'm sure there are things that she still likes to do that one would think is still child like. most girls get in their head that there is a point in their life when they must go thhru this change by cutting off all ties with the "little girl" and become a young woman, that as you know is simply not the case.
lot's of kids feel that they need to rebel against any love or affection given by family and feel as though they are not understood so they contribute that to not loved, which definately is not the case,top that with a bad case of body change, hormone that are makng every emotion more intense.
it's a place that pretty much sucks.
i have some questions to you:
what type of friends does she have? do you know them well?
is she dating either with permission or without?
you mentioned that she is in a small group... is that thru your church? and if so does she have a mentor or a adult person that you trust (woman) that can partner with you in helping her thru this time?
how do you respond to her on a daily basis? when you fight and when you are not fighting?

i remember when i was begining to rebel in junior high. even though i was a real tough girl that wouldn't hug anybody not even if you paid me, i think what would have helped me thru it is if i was secure in the fact that i felt loved. and i emphicise on the felt. i know it's very hard because all you want to do is give them shaken baby syndrome and they make it so difficult to show them love but don't allow her to harden your heart towards showing her love. she needs you so desperately right now.
i don't know what type of relationship you and your daughter have but keep showing her love by touch, hug her and say those words every day "i love you" tell her that you appreciate her and especially that you know that she was created with much purpose. that there is nothing she can do to push you away and take her to mom and daughter days.
just you and her to show her how important she is to you.

it's very important, especially to daughters of divorce to feel secure in love, so we don't continue to seek it where we shouldn't.
love, friends, dating, and her spiritual health makes all the differece in the world.

i host a bible study for young girls from ages 9-12 years old and these girls have created such a tight bond to support eachother thru their adolecent trials and i'm always there to answer those questions that they are struggling with that they don't want to take to their parents. and i have the opportunity to challenge them in stepping out and finding purpose and making their life count. it is really helping them fill that social need as well as a spiritual one and that includes my 10 & 12 year old girls.
i hope something i said helped out in some way. if you do consider the mentor approach, just make sure that it's someone that you really trust and it's someone that she will or can respect. and make sure that it's someone that is fun but will focus more on their wellbeing as oppsed to being their friend. that is very important because if they are trying to just be their friend, the girls set themselves up for heartbreak when it's time to lay down the law and it give them a sense of betrayal.
i'll be praying for you A. and i wish you and you daughter the best.

1 mom found this helpful

A. I too have a pre-teen. She is 14 and it all started around her 13th birthday:I wondered were my sweet little girl went:)It is partly the age,nd partly wants her own way. I try picking my battles and setting boundaries: My pastor even agrees let her have blue hair and wear what she wants but when she disrespects she has a consequence(period)for that action. Raising children now is so different than when I was a teen you did what you were suppose to and that was that...END OF STORY However just like when they were little your "yes" has to be yes and your "No" no. When I do hear great things about total transformation I would try it but like anything you have to stick to it to see results. I have learned to take a moment when things get tough to recall when I was 14 and this helps me to have compassion as well as boundaries. She is learning about herself and the world seems so much harder than when I was her age.I tell her that I love her reguardless of her actions and that no matter what this will never change. With an absent father the fight for her "worth" is a tuff one. Love and abandonment struggles are very hard to shake, I know this from experience and she watched me up until about two years ago. If I could ask God to teach my daughter just one thing it would be "her value and worth" are not as man sees it (Not even me...)But how God views her. She is of great value and far worth more than she knows or can fathom. I guess my advice is to love her and then when you can't seem to get through...Love her some more.

1 mom found this helpful

Have you read Jane Nelson's positive dicipline for teens ? Also it sounds like she isn't that excited about the activities she's in - is there any free choice for her?

How much real time does she get with her mama after new husband and 2 year old ? How often does she get to have real fun with you ? Is the main emphasis on her 'misbehavior'
- are adults engaging her mainly over her duties - it sounds like she feels the extra curiculars are also just duties ?
Where does she feel nurtured and worthy - that has to happen regardless of her attitude - that's our own attitude challenge - no ?

Our country tends to have alot of negitivity towards teens - yes of course they are difficult it's actually their job - but there is real serious negative adult energy directed at this age group of kids - that is constantly backfiring on us all. And I think most of us adults are not immune from absorbing it from our culture.

I don't know anything about Total Transformation - but I question any thing that claims to be some kind of 'silver bullet' for any relationship ? Also what does that mean for a kid " Total Transformation" ?

1 mom found this helpful

I read the book "The Wonder of Girls:". It really explains what daughters need at this sensitive time in BOTH our lives. It helps to explain their behavior and it also gives direction as to how you and your husband can help her through a tough time.
Hang in there..she needs lots of love.

1 mom found this helpful

I haven't tried that myself because my kids are so young still, but I'm curious if it works too.

When I was going through my rebellious teens, my parents sent me to a girls' boarding school. Boy was I a different kid when I came home for school breaks - happy to help my parents, polite, remembered my manners, because I was truly happy to be home with my parents who loved me! Don't get me wrong, I loved being in school too and had lots of friends, liked my teachers and classes, but there is no place like home. Sometimes you just have to get away from it to remember that. Maybe even summer camp would achieve the same result.

Anyhow, good luck to you! The teenage years are tough!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.. I have a 10 year old son. Recently divorced and purchased the Total Transformation last year. He is doing a lot of what it sounds like your daughter is doing. Arguing, not doing homework, talking back...I haven't had a chance to get through the entire program but the parts I have watched have helped. They have some great techniques... It is pricy but so far I think worth it... Hope that helps.

S.

1 mom found this helpful

I bought it for my daughter, because she has 4 daughters but she has not used it. She said she is looking at it now, as her last 2 daughters are 13, and 11 years old.

Maybe she can let you know when she puts it in to practice.

1 mom found this helpful

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