Power Struggle over Doing Hair

I usually don't reply but I have a 14-year and 17-year old (girls). My best advice: pick your battles! If this were some sort of safety issue, I'd encourage you to push. However, it is HER hair and she is attempting to exert her independence (I remember doing this with my mother - my hair was about the only thing I had control over and when she tried to take over that, it was actually depressing). Stop worrying that it's a reflection on you - let her be! Eventually, she will realize that she looks silly. I had a good friend whose son was killed in a car crash when he was 16. One thing she told me that I will never forget was about how she used to argue with him about what he wore to school. She thinks of this often and regrets it - wishes she had just let him wear what he wanted. These are little things. There will be plenty of "real" issues to worry about as time goes on. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

S.:

Hello! Okay - you are worried about your daughter's appearance. She's not. If her hair is clean - leave it alone.

You ARE criticizing her because she's not doing it your way. You want to teach her? Lead by example. Make sure YOU walk out the door with YOUR hair put together.

She's 12 years old. She's probably going through a lot with puberty and peer pressure. If you are sooooo concerned about this - take her to a salon for the day - hair, nails, pedicure, etc. Give her a "girly-girl" day.

Have you ASKED her why she likes her hair like this? Is it a new style with all the other girls in school? I remember that mullets were all the rage as was "bed head". Did you think this is her way of fitting in? TALK to her - find out what's going on in school - check out the other girls at school. Don't come out and ask "why do you do this?" sit back and LISTEN to what she says. Ask about her friends at school - ask her to bring her friends over - this will be a way for you to see what the other girls are doing.

Ask a couple over for a girls night sleepover - paint nails, do hair, etc. Making it fun rather than a criticizm (sp) of her, it might make it better. On days that she does do her hair COMPLIMENT HER! Don't say "finally" or "it's about time" Say - "you look very pretty today" and leave it at that.

Best regards,

C.

1 mom found this helpful

I believe so...
I wouldn't have ever thought about doing my 12yr olds hair no matter what i think. I might suggest things but in the end it's up to her. Up until she is about 10 yrs old you can do her hair. I might even stop before that and only do it when she wants me to but def. at 12yrs old i would leave it up to her unless she asks. I think you are stepping over the line. She's right.

If this is the only power struggle you're having, be grateful. If she does keep her hair clean and basically brushed, that's enough, even if you would prefer she look tidier. If she is not wanting to wash it, letting it be greasy or even smelly, not wanting to wash her body, wearing dirty clothes etc. that would all be a potential sign of depression (lack of interest in basic care for one's body is one among many indicators), but this sounds from your description like it's just the one thing-- styling, with mom's hands in her hair every day-- that is the conflict. She DOES see your desire to style her hair as "a personal criticism of her" as you put it; imagine it from her perspective: You say "This will keep it nice all day, this will be easier to care for," and you know as an adult that that's all true, but she is probably hearing "You look bad." That's certainly not what you mean but it's what she believes you mean. She's at an age that's really sensitive about criticism and appearances, and an age that is trying to move away from parents more. I'd suggest dropping your role in the daily styling altogether; she doesn't even have to blow dry unless it's cold outside, really, does she? Tell her - calmly and not when you're trying to do her hair before school -- that you realize that she's more than old enough to do her own hair and you'll only check whether it's clean and neat enough for school (meaning, not all in her face if she has gym class that day, or shop class or something that would present a danger if long hair were straggling). Then drop the subject. You could provide her with the option, again calmly and with no comments about the power struggle or her appearance, of getting her hair cut any way SHE wants it, on your tab, at a place of her choice so she doesn't feel you're forcing your hairdresser on her. Tell her the offer stands and then drop the subject. She may surprise you in a few days or weeks or even months with a request to get a haircut. In fact, if you take a lot less interest in her hair, eventually she may take much more interest in it because it's her choice. One other thing -- if her hair is naturally curly or wavy or has cowlicks, etc., that may be something to consider when she chooses a stylist because many of them can't cope with anything but straight hair (I know from sad experience starting at just her age!). But if this your main power struggle with your tween, you're pretty well off compared to what it could be!

S.,
Some girls just really aren't into doing their hair! I was one of those girls all through my teen years. To be quite frank, I'm really not much of a hair "doer" even now! I care about my appearance, am into fashion and makeup, but hair has never been my thing! Let your daughter be who she is. As she matures, she'll develop her own style that may or may not include worrying about her hair. As long as she's clean, lead by example and she may decide to follow one day. Or not! Pushing her will only make her rebel right now. There is plenty of pressure on our young girls from peers and the media to look a certain way. Your job is to let her find her own way.

In my opinion, you are not 'teaching' her anything by doing it for her....simply explain to her that if she would look presentable (not necessarily mousse and blow dry for a 12 year old, but at least brushed and not nappy)then you wouldn't nag her - make her do it herself, no matter how many times you send her back...she just doesn't place priority on the same thing that you do - she doesn't care about her hair, etc right now, which is probably better than having a primadonna for a 12 year old - she is not a teen yet - believe me, she will start caring then. My 8 year old didn't like me doing her hair, so I told her she had to do it herself....she would come down saying she had brushed her hair, but it looked awful, so I told her to go back and redo it - she has to go back sometimes 4 times before she gets it right, but she has since learned her lesson and comes downstairs with her hair brushed on her own most days....but really it's not worth arguing about - other kids don't really care, and when they start caring, she may start caring too...I would be more focused on her school work and attitude and pick my battles.

I highly suggest giving her and maybe reading together, The Care and Keeping of You.
REALLY great book, easy to read. preteen language..

Hi S.,

I have two girls and they each do their own hair. Early on, I set the "standards". Each day, their hair had to be clean and brushed out of their face. That was it. They decide if it is a ponytail, braid, loose etc. Just wait, my high schooler gets up 1.5 hours before her bus comes just so that she will have time to eat, do hair and makeup and get dressed. Your daughters time will come. In the meantime, let go, let her fix her hair and compliment her on her hair even if it isn't how you would fix it. A few compliments go a long way with a tween.

I am not yet having a 12 year old, but I had "hair issues" when I was about that age - essentially remember feeling quite annoyed that my mom wanted to "doll me up" - when I just liked my hair down, no barettes or any kind of decoration on them. And that I was big enought to do it myself. I think I was 14 when I started wearing make up and doing my hair, and my g_d did I end up spending time in front of that mirror!!!
don't worry about it, just request her to have at least a brushed/clean head every, and the rest will happen by itself. She will see other girls doing it in school, and you also can just keep doing your own hair and face and she will learn from you, at her own pace...
;-)

I agree with all the other wise mothers. Let her be responsible for her hair. For some battles that are not worth fighting and may actually backfire on us if we win, we must grin and bear it. This seems to be one of them. Get ready for more. These times can last long into adulthood, but will be less if you chose wiesly now. When the time comes that you can't get her out the bathroom and she wants to visit high dollar salons for the latest in style, you many long for these days.

You need to pick your battles.
Let this one go.
It's hair...
It's not a tattoo...
YMMV
LBC

Unless it's actually dirty, I agree that you need to let go. She is old enough to groom it herself.

Hi S.,

I would strongly suggest you visit her school to see how the other young ladies are wearing their hair. You maybe surprised to find that she is only trying to fit in.It's usually just a phase she is going through.

D. M

S.,
YOu shouldn't dwell on the little things. I have three daughters: 21, 19 and 12. They all go throught that phase...until the interest in boys kicks in. Then they can't do enough with their hair!
My motto has always been, if it doesn't bother them or the people around them (their peers) it shouldn't bother me. As long as it's clean. I've come to that conclusion about their fashion choices as well. I do draw the line when it comes to modesty and innaproriate dressing but as far as color coordination and accessories--I'm pretty open.
My two older girls are now in the Naval Academy, training as officers, pretty independent and outgoing. My 12-year old is just now starting to take an interest in her looks, hygiene, etc. Boys are suddenly a topic of interest...

Good luck, I wouldn't worry too much about it though :)
I.

Hey there S.,

I too have a 12 year old daughter who is rather lackadaisical about her appearance. I wish she would do more -- wear different clothes, do up her hair, accessorize -- but have come to appreciate her developing sense of style.

Your daughter not doing her hair or wanting to do her hair is either (a) she may like her hair the way it is, (b) she is rebelling against you and doesn't want to do her hair because not doing it upsets you, or (c) she's just not comfortable with attention on her appearance.

Whatever the underlying cause, I suggest you back off. While you think you are being helpful, you need to think about WHY this is so important to you. Set some guidelines for her--for instance, my daughter has bathe everyday and keep her hair out of her face--and let your daughter know you're around to help her if she wants. You can even offer to do her hair, after a hiatus of not doing it, but you have to be prepared to walk away from an answer of "no." Let her work on her style at her own pace as long as she's meeting your guidelines.

Good luck!

H.

I think maybe you've been lucky to have had a say at ALL over the last 4 years! Our daughter is very easy-going but stopped 'letting' me do her hair in 4th grade. It was difficult for me to let go but, I had to respect her. She keeps it neat but I still have to tell her to take a shower. She's in 6th grade and doing fine. Good luck!

I don't know how long your daughters hair is. I'm sure sooner or later she'll be more into fixing her hair, but is just not into it yet. (Oh how I remember getting ready for high school every morning - wash, mousse, blow dryer, curling iron, the smell of singed hair, and hair spray - a time consuming ritual, but we all did it!) A short cut is really easy to maintain. If it's longer, maybe a pony tail or a simple braid will keep it out of the way all day with minimal fuss. My hair is really long now, but I love these butterfly hair clip things:
http://www.tandthairclips.com/
I can have my hair up in minutes and it's good for all day long.

Hair is one of those battles we chose NOT to engage in with our teens. They know what looks nice but they want the freedom to make a statement with their hair. It is a phase they go thru. Let it go and they come around eventually. AF

word of warning:

my mom kept bugging me about 'doing' my hair and she hated that i always just kept it in a ponytail. one day i had enough of listening to it, i took a pair of scissors to the back yard and cut it off. on the upside, after some shaping i had a nice bob.