Potty Training VERY Stubborn 3 Year Old

Ok. Here it is. I have to say, that he is doing this cause he knows your frustrated. His delay is magnified by your own discouragement. He will do it, but it is going to take more from you. Patience that is. As hard as it is...deemphasize the enitre potty issue. He knows what you are thinking, even when you are not speaking. You are actually inviting the power struggle by telling him over and over again. Meanwhile, when he needs changed, show him how to clean himself. Express your confidence that he will indeed someday use the potty. He, too, needs encouragement. Detach yourself emotionally from the potty training issue. If you detach yourself, the progress will move more quickly.Let him do it in his own timing, that way there is no rebeling against you. Do not take his toys away, ground him ...nothing....this is not about behavior...this is about control. Keep your expectations reasonable. Pressure to use the potty will only make you both crazy frustrated.

2 moms found this helpful

Glad you asked this question - I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation now (my son just turned 3). I have an older son (now 6) and he was tough to toilet train (trained at 3.5...fully trained by just under 4). Finally got him trained by losing the pullups (except at night in the beginning). I plan on doing the same thing with my second son...just don't think he is completely ready. I really do believe boys take longer to train. I mean...c'mon....men never like it when people tell them what to do...they don't even ask for directions - ha!

I work with a lot of stubborn 3 year olds (and hear about this all the time). I would recommend putting the focus on the positive and not the negative. He is using this against you b/c he is still getting attention (although negative) for not using the potty. I would give your daughter back her toys so SHE has something to do and she is not is toy. "_____ gets to play with toys because she used the potty." And overly praise HER for using the potty. ""You used the potty, what a big girl." I would also stay away from buying items, as it has already backfired, because the anti gets too high...soon you'll be buying a car for a 7 year old who still isn't potty trained. GOOD LUCK!

might be a good time to have some play dates with other boys his age and hopefully he will feel the need to be doing more age appropriate things.
Put him in some cloth diapers -- they don't mask the feeling like disposables.

fwiw --- both my sons potty learned at about 3.5 years to the mark and refused for a long time. Then when they set their mind to it it was a week until all was said and done once they got rolling.

Touching a sib is not acceptable here and the law goes down pretty quickly. Addressing the root of his anger might be a starting place.

Some personal one on one attention might be a positive reinforcement. Is there a reason he needs to be in preschool at 3?

S. - I went through this exact same struggle with my son. At the Christmas break while my husband was home for my support, we finally took away the pull-ups. This was about Dec. 28th. We also took away toys and reacted negativly to his stubborn refusal to cooperate.

What finally worked for us, was calming down (mostly me calming down), sticking to the No Pull-ups during the day policy. We calmly made him responsible for cleaning up his 'accidents'. Then when he was starting to have less accidents, about the time of Jan 6th, we started rewarding him with matchbox cars if he stayed dry all day while Daddy was at work he got to pick out a car. We also told him that he would get a big boy bike once he was totally potty trained. We visited the Spiderman bike at Wall-Mart frequently and talked about getting it for him. Lastly, I would call my Mom & MIL everyday to tell them how great he was doing being a big boy, using the potty - all the calls within my son's earshot. We started giving him high fives and double high fives when he pooped on the potty.

Also, when it was time for his pre-school to start up after the Christmas break, I told him he could not go back, until he didn't have accidents - he only missed one weeks worth of school.

I don't really know if any of the above made a difference for my son, or if it just finally clicked for him. I can tell you that when he finally 'got it', it was so wonderful for me - I have been bragging to everyone I know. My guy's 4th birthday was Jan. 7th and he stopped wearing the nighttime pull-up shortly after his birthday - he has not had one accident at night.

This might sound extreme to you, but if you are going to take the pull-ups away for good, you might consider taking a week off from work to really work with him on this. Maybe your husband could take the next week off, so he has two full weeks to really get it down before he goes back to his child care provider.

I hope it clicks for your son soon. Believe me I know how very frustrating this is for YOU!

W.

Hi S.!
I'm a Mom of 3 boys ages 11, 4 and 1. My 4 year old was not completely potty trained until 3 1/2. Boys do take longer. I never gave him toys or rewards for going potty. Instead I set a timer and took him potty every 1.5-2 hours. Also, I never asked him if he had to go potty. I just took him. If he sad he didn't have to go I said "Ok...let's see if we can get just one drop out." Then he usually ended up peeing a lot.
I also do day care from home and the younger kids are eager to wear big boy/girl underwear like the big kids. So I say how excited I am of them to be a big boy/girl! It helps that we are on a schedule so we just go all the time and potty training never gets to be a big deal. I figure they won't be 20 and peeing in a diaper-ha!
Either way...relax. Once you get through this you'll need your energy for something else. Don't forget you're in charge. He needs to listen to you and not hurt his sister. That is not accepted in our home. Our children know who their parents are and that they cannot be mean to anyone. Once your children know the rules they'll grow to know what to expect and they'll feel guilt when they need to. This will help them as they get older to be kind and caring towards others and knowing the difference to know right from wrong.

Remember...your working as a Mom to grow out of your job. Eventually they'll need to take care of themselves. They'll grow up to be adults one day. What kind of adults do you want your children to be???

Good luck & God Bless!
N.

I echo what a lot of the moms have already said. Don't let him know you're frustrated. I too have a very stubborn child and I find the more pressure I put on her the more she fights it. I know how frustrating that can be. Next time he says he doesn't want to, just calmly say "O.K., whatever, I thought you were a big boy. Whenever you're ready, let me know.". Then just ask him every once in a while if he's ready yet. I bet once you give him the illusion of control, he'll come around! Good luck.

Maybe he likes all the attention he is getting for not pottying? My son was pretty easy to potty train so I'm not sure if my advice will be helpful but we used a video. I think it was called "It's Potty Time" or something like that. It was an old video that had a Teddy Bear on the front and it was corny as anything. It was about children going to a birthday party. I don't know why but it worked wonders with our son. And after awhile when he started to regress we put the video back in and he got right back on track. The video was passed on to me by my sister who swore by it and I've passed it on to at least two others that had great results. I hope that helps. The only other thing I would say is maybe trying not to give any attention either way for going in his pants or diaper but giving lots of positive attention for going in the potty. I also agree with the other mom that pullups are a bad idea if you are using those. My son went right to underpants and was told he could not go back to diapers. I hope this helps.

Hi S.,

My only suggestions are to make sure the rewards and consequences are immediate for your son. It sounds as if his interest in things change often and he does not want to continue on the plan you have put together. He clearly has many material things, but are there other things, e.g., time with you or your husband, going out for a special treat, that he can earn over time through the use of a sticker chart or similar device? Are there consequences for not going on the potty? Is he in a diaper or in underwear? Any overused method will with time lose its effectiveness. Keeping consequences consistent and not overusing negative reinforcement (which is different from punishment) will help in the long term. Also, at his age getting into a conversation regarding why he does not want to use the potty is counterproductive. It is not about "want" it is about "need". Sometimes acknowledging his feelings, e.g., I understand you don't want to, but we have to do this...come on lets get it done!...might help. Also, it sounds as if you are very concerned that he will be kicked out of his daycare. Do you think that maybe your anxiety could be making the interactions around potty time a bit aversive for both of you? Are you dreading potty time yourself? Could your husband maybe help? If your son seems to go more consistently or effortlessly with your hubby it might be worth a try to see what he does differently if anything. Good luck, the situation sounds very challenging, but take heart all that stubbornness will likely be a benefit to him in the long run as it can be a great asset if he can learn to use it as resilience/motivation during challenges.

Bathrooom issues = power struggle. Remember when *you* call someone anal rententive because they are fixed in thier behavior and exacting? Thats where the phrase came from. A power struggle over bowel. Give back the toys and make him a toileting schedule. See when he noramlly goes pee and bm and make him use the toilet at those times. Take away the struggle so he won't fight you. Set a timer to go off at the correct times and he will have to go to the bathroom. Use rewards again, but nothing so grand. Use verbal rewards untill a goal of "no accidents today" no accidents for 2 days and so on, and so on. Now this also bears to mention if he is having issues beyond power he should see a Ped. who can advise for potential issues of a physiologic cause.

I recently potty trained my stubborn 3 year old son and these are the tips I have: keep him in underwear and NEVER put a diaper/pull-up on him, make him clean up his own messes to the degree he is able, don't react when he has an accident just say "too bad, maybe you'll get it next time", when he gets it in the potty do react and get all excited and maybe make a sticker chart and when he gets a certain amount of stickers he can go to the store and pick out a toy (maybe for every day he gets it in the potty all day he gets a sticker and when he gets 7 stickers he gets a toy?). I know it's frustrating and I wish you luck!!

You should not make his sister suffer. that is great that she is already going. my neice was very stubborn about potty training. may be you should let her have toys and not let him have toys. if he gets upset say oh well, you little sister is going on the toilet so she gets toys. sometimes children regress for their own reasons. get some books on the subject and may be a video on potty training for him. ask him if he wants to be kicked out of preschool because he does not want to act like a big boy.

There may be something else going on, so you might consider getting him checked out, but if not: He wants control and is getting it--his behavior gets a rise out of you, submission from his sister, and a reaction from his child care provider.

A few suggestions:

Have you already tried providing only positive responses when he does something good (and no negative response when he does something bad)? Total "time out" for negative behavior--in his bare room with no toys/clothes/sister?

What's the consequence for him for having a diaper--he controls you and you have to clean it up. He's 4; he can change his pull-up(I know, it sounds weird), dump the poop into the potty, wrap it up--so he has control of the situation and can deal with the consequences. Yes, it sounds weird, but it might be worth a try--sounds like you've tried everything else! Sounds like you have a potential bullier on your hands, and want to stop that before he gets big enough to really hurt your daughter.

Best of luck!

I just want to start by saying that all kids are different, to a certain degree. And there are definitely many different parenting styles. You are going to have to find something that works for you and helps your child.

I have 4 children, 3 of which are passed the potty training stage. I had a bit of a hard time with my first. I tried EVERYTHING that I had read in the magazines. I introduced her to the potty early. I let her sit on it when I went to the bathroom. She was very into it but had NO interest in going. She was 3 1/2 and I knew that she was reday. I had to just stay home with her for a week. I made sure that we had no appoinments, etc. I had her naked from the waist down. Any accidents after the first one, she was in trouble for.

I did the same thing for my next son at a little under 2 1/2, successfully. And then again to my next son. I had a little more difficulty with him. That's just his personality, very stubborn also. I started a little after 2 1/2. It took a couple months to get completely potty trained during the day. You have to really follow through. I did punish them for accidents, nothing to severe. Just a little scolding. I did not make them clean it up, but that is up to you.

I would definitely recommend NO pullups during the day. They feel that there and it is no different than a diaper. It is just a scam to get your child wearing diapers and such longer. Even my pediatrician said that. I have seen my friends children all be delayed by wearing pullups. Unfortunately not everyone wants other peoples advice. Hope this helps. And stick to your guns!! Sometimes they need a little shove.