Potty Training Troubles

I had the same problem with my daughter but I the issue that I had was an anxiety issue. When I talked to her pediatricitan...he asked me if there had been any changes even subtle ones...My daughter had been going to a daycare where some new issues had begun amongst some of the kids. As soon as I took my daughter out of the daycare, she quit having accidents almost immediately.

I had the same challenge with one of my sons when he was 4 years old. One day, having done all the "recommended by the experts" thing, I told him that when he peed in his pants, we would have to wash it out with the hose, as a big boy like him couldn't play in the house or with others, with wet pants. One time being washed with cold water, he never had "another accident."

My granddaughter is 4 years old and she started the same thing. My daughter-law told her she would have to wear pull-ups if this continue, (they took her to the Doctor, thinking she had bladder infection she did not have) my daughter-law takes her to the bathroom every so often. Taylor says she doesn't' have to go. Lisa takes her anyway, Most the time she did have to go. And if she wets her pants they make her take a bath, she don't like that.
She is also in dance class, told her only big girls get to go to dance class. She is doing better, but at night they do put on a pull-up. Hang in there Mom don't get down. She is only 4 she will make it, and you will to. Love from a Grandma

My daughter did the same thing. With her, it was that she was so busy she didn't want to take the time to go potty, and then when she did finally decide she couldn't wait, she'd have an accident on the way there.

We did two things. First, I made her go every hour or so whether she had to or not. Second, I let natural consequences motivate her. She likes baths, but showers made her nervous. I told her that we did not have enough time to take 3 baths a day, so whenever she wet, she'd have to wash in the shower. I didn't wash her hair and all everytime, but from the waste down. I did not make it fun or pleasant, but very matter of fact. I'd say that the every day accidents were over within a week, the potty every hour lasted a week or so, and the occasional accidents because she waited too long lasted about another year. They will never learn to go every time without waiting until the last minute, but her bladder and sphincter(sp)muscle will get stong enough to hold it better.

I would suggest trying to get to the bottom of the defiance. Is she feeling a little neglected because of little sister? Does she get enough mommy/daughter time? If you are feeling disconnected and confrontational with her for most of your interactions, then it will be hard to get to the bottom of it!

A.,

What you might try, and I'm not sure if you're already doing this, is giving your daughter the responsibility of cleaning herself up and changing her own panties and pants if necessary.

Show her that you won't be playing her game, if indeed it is a game.

Even better, try peer pressure. Suggest to your daughter that she ask her friends if THEY routinely wet their pants.

You'll also want to monitor her for signs of urinary tract infection, burning, frequency, fever, etc., and above all, don't accept your doctor's pronouncement that it's purely a behavioral issue, if your gut tells you different.

I had a low grade fever for the first FOUR YEARS of my life and sustained kidney damage, before my mother finally learned from a urologist that the reason I couldn't potty train was because I had an anatomical malformation of my urinary system.

Good luck A..
Dine T

I had the same thing with our daughter at 4 years, also. This past summer, she would get busy playing and not go potty, then wet her pants. She was also waiting too long to poop and that was a real mess! Everytime it happened I told her that she would not get to go back to preschool if she kept doing it because the teachers don't have time to change her pants all the time. About a week before school she did it and I asked her to get me the phone so I could call her teacher and tell her she wouldn't be coming to school next week - she got a little upset and said she wouldn't do it again because she wanted to go to school. That was the end of it. Every once in a while we have an accident to deal with, but not like before. A couple of my other friends had the same thing and the kids just stopped on their own. Hang in there, it'll get better.

It may sound silly, but have you tried buying some diapers and telling her that she has to start wearing little baby diapers like her baby sister since she won't stay dry like a big girl? That was one thing that worked for my son. Good luck to you!!!

I have had the same problem with my daughter who is now 9 and all I do is when she is playing remindher very descretly about every 30 min to an hour to use the restroom so that she does not have any accidents.

A.,

Your situation sounds very much like what I'm going through right now with potty training my 4 1/2 year old son. The best motivation for him not to wet himself was the fact that he had to clean up his messes. We used the coldest water we could get out of the bath tap.

Hope this helps,
Sympathetically,
Melissa

well, I would tell her if she is going to do an activity that she will go before she starts and you need to tell her in a stern voice that she will go while she is playing and it not acceptable to pee in her pants because wants to play.I know this may sound harsh but, if she dosen't want to go then be the parent and don't give in and pick her up and make her sit on the potty and tell her until u potty no playtime for you and you do that a few days in a row she will learn to take the time and go potty .That's what i did to my daughter and now, when she has to go she will stop and go to the potty .ITs a power struggle and tell her mommy wins everytime.

My daughter who is 5 and 1/2 has been through a few rounds of the same thing starting a little over a year ago. The first time, we actually found that she had a UTI which was causing the problem. Also contributing to the problem was the fact that her wet panties were irritating her externally. We cleared the infection with antibiotics and then we had to basically be really diligent for a while about reminding her to go regularly. We also kept vaginal cream on her as needed to clear the irritation. The next time we went through the issue was right after she started Kindergarten and this time it was not a physical issue. After weeks of talking, pleading and threatening to no avail, I finally figured out what was going on. In her new class, for the first time, there was not a bathroom in the classroom and she had to ask for a pass and go down the hall to another room. We spoke to the teacher and made arrangements for her to have one of her good friends as a "bathroom buddy" so she would not be intimidated to go down the hall alone. We also got the teacher to except her from asking for the pass until she got the problem under control and then transition her into following the regular rules. If it's not physical and it's not a specific change in routine then my best advice is just to go back to telling her when she needs to go and making her at least try every couple of hours. This has gotten our daughter back on track more than once.

Just a thought, A.. Could this be a jealously problem with your four year old feeling she is not getting enough attention from you over her little sister? It rather sounds that way to me. I don't think this is an unusal problem with sibblings. Perhaps giving her some alone time with you might help? Good luck with this problem.

I had two grandchildren who were bed wetters until about twelve, it turned out to be an inherited thing from the father.

From a concerned Grandmother

I went through this with my daughter when she was 4. I let it turn into a power struggle. I got very frustrated and angry. It got to the point where sometimes I didn't even like my daughter. None of this helped fix the problem. It just made both of us feel terrible.

Finally I gave up. I decided that if she had an accident it was her problem. I taught her how to rinse out her clothes and made her clean up after herself. She even did the laundry, with my help of course. Once I let it be her problem, we both felt a lot better. Eventually she took care of it and stopped having accidents.

This is more common than you think. Check out pottymd.com
It has some great advice and products. It has helped us with the same situation with my son, we got him a watch with a countdawn timer. When it goes off every two hours he goes to the bathroom. It has eliminated the accidents, but we are still waiting on him to go on his own again. I know it's frustrating. Hang in there. Let me know if you come up with a magic cure though.:)

I wonder if your 4 year old is reverting back to infancy because of her new found place as a big sister. It may be worth having a discussion with her about her feelings on being a big sister and where she belongs in the family unit. Hope that helps.
J.

Hi A.,

I used to be a preschool teacher and encountered a similar situation, but in this case it was a boy. And it was not just pee! It was, however, permanently remedied by having him take charge of his accidents. To own them, if you will. It sounds like this has become a power struggle between the two of you. I suspect that if you diffuse the struggle by empowering her to take responsibility for her accidents, they may cease.

Try approaching the situation using the 3 R's of discipline: Respectful, Reasonable and Related. Here's what I did and it worked!

First, set the ground rules so there are clear expectations (and get ready for her to test them). Explain that you and she are going to work together on this. That you will ask her if she needs to go potty from time to time and see if she will agree to try going. But don't force her to take potty breaks, let her decide if she needs to go when you ask because you want her to feel in charge.

If you are not already, try asking her if she has to go at strategic times when she's less likely to be totally engrossed in an activity - like before/after meals, before/after naps, before/after playing outside, etc. This could really help.

Also explain very kindly that if she does have an accident, that she will be completely in charge of cleaning it up- changing her clothes, wiping the floor, putting wet clothes in the laundry basket, etc. Let her know that if she needs your help she is to ask and you'll help her, but that she will be in charge.

The next time she has an accident, act very matter-of-fact about it. Respect and understanding are key to diffusing the power struggle. Be careful to not show disgust or disapproval or make her feel ashamed about the accident (which could leave long-term emotional scars). Empower her by guiding her through the process of cleaning up, but let her do most of the work (just like you agreed).

Be reasonable- she doesn't have to clean the whole house, but eventually, she will learn that if she had gone on the potty she could still be playing. And that going in her pants will no longer get from you (or anyone else in the family) any negative attention. Make sure Dad is on board with this approach and that you are both consistent.

Lastly, consider that there may be an underlying motivation for these accidents. The little boy I worked with had an older brother with special needs who demanded the lion's share of his mother's attention. When I started at the school, I was told by the other teachers that when this little boy had accidents, he was to be sent to the babies' room to get put on the changing table and cleaned up! After ruling out a medical explanation for the accidents, I suspected that he really wanted the personalized attention that this gave him and that it was comforting to him to feel like he was one of the babies. A few weeks after finding more positive ways that he could get attention, working with him to be mindful about his need to go to the bathroom, and respectfully empowering him to clean up his own messes, the accidents stopped completely.

I hope this helps you, too. Good luck!

I think it is a phase. My daughter does this too, as well as several of her friends. All potty trained, then suddenly wetting themselves again at around 4yrs. I think you just want to make sure that when she wets herself that she changes herself and doesn't sit in it all day. Other then that, you probably don't want to make it into a power stuggle because you will probably lose. Good luck!

I obviously don't know all about her situation. My son had a constipation problem, and was scared that his bowel movement would be painful, so in his attempt to avoid #2 he would have #1 accidents. A visit to the doctor and some miralax for a few days solved the problem permenently.
It might be something to rule out.

A.,
Your not alone. My 4 soon to be 5yr old does this too. Also, my oldest son did this at the same age. Children at that age don't want to miss out on anything so they will hold it and hold it until the very last second, and I mean very last second. (Our recliner has been christened more times than I can count.) Fortunately you have a girl and not a boy. I'm talking pee everywhere but in the toilet. They do get through it.
I don't recommend punishing her because it is natural. Also by punishing her, it may get worse and become an even bigger problem.
I try to get him to use the restroom more often. If he tells me "no", but wants something like hot chocolate, I say in a special voice,"you need to go potty first then I will make you hot choc. If you don't go, you don't get hot choc." This usually works.
When he wets his pants, we have a routine. He puts his wet pants in the bath tub, uses the toilet, cleans up with a diaper wipe then gets some clean pants on. This way, I can rinse out the wet clothes and they don't end up with the dirty but dry clothes and nothing smells. He does this automatically now. My husband showers at night, so if there is clothing in the tub that I didn't notice or get to that day, my husband rinses them out for me.
This method has worked for both of our kids. I simply tell them,"take care of it," and they do. It keeps you from getting angry and keeps them from feeling like they have done something wrong. (I also dealt with my older child pooping his pants. The more I got angry at him, the more he had accidents. Once I instilled the routine if he had an accident, he took care of everything including rinsing.)
I wish you well and good luck.

I have had the same problem with my four year old. I also have a (almost) 21 month old and I think with her she just wants more of my attention. So I am trying this and it has been working for me so I just send it your way if you want to try it. When she pees in her pants I have her clean herself in the bathroom and take the wet cloths and drop them off in the washing machine. She really doesn't like doing it (either do I) so it gives her motivation to pee in the toilet and then I just keep the rewards and try to switch them up so she doesn't get bored. Here are some I have done. Of course there is the small treats, pennies in her piggy bank, sticker chart to get different prizes, and the one that she has really enjoyed is we use the magnetic letters on the fridge to spell out a prize she wants to earn like MOVIE or ICE CREAM. I am sure that you have done all of this but maybe I gave you a new one to try. Good luck it's just a stage right :)

Start by making her clean herself up. Don't help her take off the wet clothes. Most kids hate to touch pee. Then make her get a towel to clean it up and spray disinfectant on whatever surface she peed on. Have her put it all in the washer. What I am driving at is make peeing her panites very inconvenient and yucky. If you help her and do all the dirty work,why not pee her pants? 4 is definitely old enough to be able to clean up her own mess. Hope it helps!

Hi there! Here is my experience: my daughter who is 3 almost 4 and potty trained has had 2 urinary tract infections and both times she would have accidents very often, a few a day. But she also complained that it hurt to go the bathroom or she would strain went she went pee. 6 months is a long time, so I am not sure if someone could have a urinary tract/bladder infection that long.... Just wanted to share my experience on this, I hope everything works out soon!

Have you ruled out urinary tract infections or diabetes. Both make you have to go more often and for a kid playing, that would be very distracting. When she goes in the toilet, is it really yellow or smell strong?

my son did this. I watched for what we called the "potty Dance and hurried him to the potty

Went through this with my twins almost a year after they has been potty trained as well, although my son was the worst of the 2 culprits. We call these "lazy accidents" and when they happened the kids had to clean up themselves as well as the floor. After they "cleaned" I would go back and do a better job but they didn't need to know that!
My son used to stand in front of the toilet pee in his britches and then laugh. I would get so frustrated because he simply didn't want to pull down his pants and told us so. This was not a poor little boy who tried to get there in time, he would stand there wait and then pee on purpose............. AAARRRGH
It only took about 3 times of cleaning himself to quit laughing and start pulling down his pants.
For us I think the trigger was needing extra attention after we had the baby.
I know its hard but stay totally calm, remeber they like reactions from us, so just grab a towel, a change of clothes and some wipes and tell her to get cleaning!
I found this great cleaner called "Kids and Pets" at our grocery store. Seriously it is wonderful on pee smells and stains.

My 3 year old did this. It was almost like she didn't want to take the time to go to the bathroom because she didn't want to miss out on anything. I just started reminding her. Occassionally I will go to her and ask, "do you need to potty," that helps remind her to go. I got her in a routine or habit of using the restroom frequently and now she does it on her own. I hope this helps.

I 100 percent agree that you need to make your daughter start cleaning it up herself. Based on some classes I've taken and what has happened with my family, your daughter is looking for attention, even if it is negative attention. Getting upset with her might give her that attention and not solve the problem.

If you make her clean it up herself, do it calmly. Show her where the towels are and tell her what she needs to do and walk away. Walking away is the most important key. She might not clean it up perfectly, but don't sit and watch her and tell her how to do it. Once again she'll be getting some attention that she wants. Keep this up, even when she keeps wetting herself. She's looking for attention.

Good luck to you!! This will get better.

I know that when my nephew was potty trained, but kept messing in his pants, my brother in law finally made him clean up the mess and scrub the clothes to prepare for the laundry. It was gross and the messes stopped quickly. Maybe something similar would work?

Jenn

I'm not an expert, but my in-laws had the same problem with kids growing up and they said they finally just made them figure out how to change their own clothes and clean up. Sounds hard for a 4 year old, but I'm thinking that with a few committed days of staying around the house, she'll figure it out. Just a thought that the effort of cleaning yourself up may just be worth taking the time to go potty even if you're having fun playing.

Have you had any big changes in your life, or even lil ones. Any slight change can set some chidren off. My son was completly potty trained and then his baby sitter for 2 years quit, and he had to start preschool all in the span of one week. So he had to get a new baby sitter and start a new school all at the same time and he reverted all the way back to diapers. He knew how to go potty, but it was something he could control. He couldnt control the other things, but when and where he went potty he could. Once things calmed down and he was back to an even keel and he felt safe again he was once again potty trained. Good Luck.

Your kids are the exact same age as mine and both girls! My oldest-Victoria- just had the same issues with this a couple of days ago after what seemed like forever of being potty trained- though hers was just like a quarter size of pee in her underwear, but she would inform me that she is 'wet.' Anyway, Victoria loves dresses and just like when she was potty training, I told her if she was wet, she wouldn't be able to wear dresses anymore. That's all it took, so maybe if your daughter has something she really likes- maybe even watching a certain tv show or playing with a special toy that day, she won't be able to if she's wet her pants at all that day. I've just had better luck with the removal of privliges (sp?) than with rewards. Hope this helps!! And I agree that every day is a challenge! I'd love to share other venting stories about kids these ages!
Good luck!
K.

Did the Dr. test to see if your daughter has a bladder infection as that may well be a cause of this new situation. If she is infection free taking her to the potty on a regular hourly basis while monitoring her fluid intake will help. Taking her to the store and buying her a new package of underwear "because she is a special girl" may serve her.
Perhaps she needs a little bit of special time with Mommy,which might include doing a craft or reading a book or cooking something which lets her know you truely care about her.

Hi A., By any chance are you potty training the younger one? I can not tell you the lengths my oldest went through to keep the attention on her! A couple of suggestions; DO NOT reward her for doing what she is suppose to do, limit how much she drinks, and how many times she gets to leave the house with you, and explain to her that until you can know that she will go to the bathroom when she needs to you can't take her around other people! Then, when she does pee in her pants, leave her in it, I know what you are thinking, but it is very effective, and better now then when she is 7! Admittedly, this is no picnic, but having to wear wet underwear is very uncomfortable, then she will start to smell herself, I'm sure you get the picture! This is soooo common among older children especially 2 girls, mine are now 22, and 21 in 19 days, so as you can see they were real close to the same age difference, the fun is just beginning, but they will become beautiful self sufficient women, and you will lose your hair LOL!! Good Luck, I hope this helps, or at least made you laugh :)

Hi A.,

When my son did this at about age 5 we'd take away whatever he was playing with at the time of the "accident" for a week. It worked something like this . . . "Oh dear, it looks like this (toy name) was just too exciting and kept you from being able to listen to your body. Let's put it up here on the shelf in time-out for a week. Don't worry your get it back next (day) and I know you'll do a better job of listening then"

You can also have her rinse out her own dirty clothes and hang them over the tub to dry and/or help clean up any spots on the floor.

I'd do one or the other for a a while (at least two weeks) and then add the other one. In fact, you can even have a conversation with her and explain the problem (making a lot of work for mommy, getting a rash from wearing wet clothes, etc.) and let her choose which strategy to try first.

Good luck!
F.

Hi - my now 4 1/2 year old son was doing the same kind of thing. He was peeing in his pants on and off. I dont know what changed because he does not do it anymore, but I think it was just that he did not want to stop playing or doing what he was doing to go to the bathroom when he first felt he had to go. He was potty trained too at about 3 and was doing really well. We had a new baby and that is when it seemed to start. I think it was getting him attention, and that may be partially why he was doing it but I really think it is just not wanting to stop what they are doing. He doesn't pee in his pants anymore, but he still waits too long to go so that he is running into the bathroom to go. I think that eventuallly they will grow out of it. We did threaten him with having to start wearing pull-ups to school if he didn't stop. He also still will have accidents at nap time too where he will wet his pants. Again, I think it is that he is just sleeping so hard that he is not getting the signal he has to go. Sorry I dont have any solutions!