Potty Training NOT Going Well with 3 Year Old

If you're having a battle of wills on THE ONLY thing he has any control over, YOU are GOING to LOSE!!!

Tell your mother-in-law that if she's so dang hung up on him being potty trained that she can come over and pleasantly guide him into using the potty, not see him until he is, or stop talking about it.

If other people want to have comments about it you can tell him you don't mind him exerting power over the ONLY thing his has real control over and everything IS OK. You can also assure them that you WILL NOT be changing his diaper when he's 12 so everything just fine and they can stop worrying their little heads UNLESS they'd like to come over and pleasantly introduce the joys of using the potty to your son themselves while you pop popcorn.

AND at 14 months, the baby isn't potty trained the mommy is...which is also fine, but there does need to be clarification on that. UNLESS they're using that Russian method of no diapering in which case they started at birth and STILL mommy has to be paying attention.

YES, you're doing a good job and the mommy stuff. He's your son and the world isn't going to stop turning if he's still in diapers when the neighbors who do not love your son think he shouldn't be, so tell them to keep quiet. You know your son best. What ever you decide honey, with love and kindness, that's you're best move.

1 mom found this helpful

K.,
He's NOT READY if he's fighting tooth and nail.

I tried to force my 3 yo boy and he did the same thing. I finally let it go for awhile because our relationship was dissolving into nothing good. He finally got PT'd at 4 and he was SO QUICK AND READY!!!

My 2nd son wasn't ready (as much as we WANTED him to be) until he was 5. Just barely. PT'd by his b-day. Seemed SO LATE, but I talked with a lady at church who has 5 kids- at least 2 are boys and she said she tried to "make PT'g happen" with her 1st boy and it made it worse. She said for her, 4 was the magic number.

SLOW DOWN!!! CHANGE YOUR MENTALITY ABOUT WHEN IT "SHOULD" HAPPEN!! It'll happen when HE'S READY. Don't damage your relationship with him over it though. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

1 mom found this helpful

Your son sees how important it is to you and wants to have control. Back off. My son was the exact same way. He didn't potty train until he was 4, but then he did it so, so fast, it was overnight. He finally decided he was ready (unfortunatly it happened after other kids, his peers, made fun of him...but that was his motivator-not Mom and Dad). You are not the only parent going through this, and who cares when others potty trained. You are not a bad parent and he WILL get this. He just wants the pressure off for a bit and will be ready again soon. When I could sense that my son had the skills and was ready, but was still apprehensive, we did some reverse rewards too (abt 6 months after we let go with the pressure, so he was not as resistent-like he couldn't watch television when he was going in his diaper). That helped too.

I'm sure someone's already said it. Boys are harder. My now 18yo was past 3 1/2 when he was finally potty trained. He jsut wasn't ready. Boys are too busy playing to "bother" with that potty stuff. I did find a now out of print book, "Potty Training in Less Than a Day" I tried it and my son made great strides after that. See if you can find an old copy somewhere. You just have to be prepared to devote an entire day to a lot of one-on-one time with him, + salty snacks and lots of liquids.

Ok mom back off a little. Your frustration doesn't help and I know it gets really frustrating. I was working with my first and she was potty trained by her childcare. They used training pants. I started with my second at 2 and 1/2. No pull-up just training pants. I used a "beep". I set either my cell phone alarm or the stove timer at 30 minute intervals and said that when she heard the beep we had to try. Well it got old for her and she said no a few times. But after awhile she did it on her own. I know I've heard girls are easier so I don't know if he'll get it on his own but, let it be on his terms. Let him choose the potty, let him choose the pants. It just seems to me that it has to be on his terms or it will just keep being a battle. I had a problem with the reward thing. My 4 year old felt she should get reward for using the toilet. NOT. So when the 2 year old went we all did the "alicia went potty dance" and a "high-five". So just relax and help him train himself. Good luck. Let us know how it goes because, I have a 6 month old boy I will have to train eventually....

K.:

First-let go of the expectations that he should be potty trained by the time the baby comes or you will continue to get frustrated. However, still keep encouraging it...don't give up! If your son turned 3 in February-that is still young for some boys to become fully potty trained. It needs to be a positive experience with positive reinforcement and I KNOW it can be hard. Trust me, I struggled many times potty training my children-especially my son. He turned 4 in Sept. and still has problems with #2 sometimes. Here are some things I did: Have them go to the store with you and pick out pull-ups (usually for night only) and new underwear. They LOVE doing this-being part of the decision. The reward thing does work, but I wouldn't make it candy/cookies (as you mentioned). They can even pick out the stickers for the potty chart-like Super heros, Diego, trucks, dinosaurs etc. whatever he is into. Have them put the sticker on the chart whenever possible. Again, they are a part of it. The reward can be all kinds of things-a trip to the park to feed ducks, a new summer hat, color books and crayons, even a quarter in his piggy bank-the ideas are endless...and they need to be economical so you don't break the bank! I had a padded chair that went over the toilet seat. You could even have him pick that out if you don't have one. It was a good combination between the BIG scary toilet and the potty chair that you strap them onto. Also, don't ever ask if they want to go because they will usually say no. They are just beginning to understand their body signals. Take them to the potty on a basic schedule-every two hours or so. Just say, "It's time to go potty now..." You can even have him go when you go. If he refuses to go-don't make a big deal about it. However, when he does go-celebrate EVERY time and say something like, "I am so proud of You", Good Job, You did it buddy!", "You are such a BIG boy!" whatever works. Also, have daddy be a part of this experience so your son knows that you are on the same page. Sometimes you have to train dads on how all this works, but having him go the bathroom with Daddy to see how boys do it is especially helpful. I wish you all the best K. because this is from a Mom who has been there and done that. Take Care, K.

My son wasn't potty trained during the day until he was almost 3 1/2. He just started to stay dry overnight and he just turned 4. Once he turned 4 he decided that he wanted to wear underwear to sleep. We told him if he woke up dry for 10 days in a row that he could. We started keeping track by having him put a sticker on the calendar for each day he woke up dry. It took about 2 weeks of on and off and then he was able to do it. When we were potty training we never forced him to use the potty. He did it when he was ready. We have never had any potty issues with him. My sister tried to potty train her son at 2 1/2. He is now 3 and still will only poop in a diaper or his underwear. I wouldn't force it. It will happen.

Lay off the subject for a while. Sounds like he's bright, knows whats going on and won't cave to anyone's demands but his own. My guess is he'll 'potty train' overnight meaning he'll walk downstairs one morning and announce he's done with diapers and that will be it.

It sounds as though you need more help managing nosey people. Your DS potty habits are no-one's business but his and sometimes yours. When MIL asks if he's in diapers just ask her if she's in a thong. Ugly? yes. But so is asking about his bowel habits. Seriously. Protect your son from well intentioned but clueless people. Its better to tick them off a tad vs setting up an battle with your DS. GL!!!!

Mom,

You have a baby coming, he has got to be feeling threatened and scared about the new competition. Let it go.... Some boys don't do this until they are almost 4. Now is NOT the right time. I went through this with my first and his new baby brother. When that baby is a part of his daily life and things have settled down, try it again.
When I was having this struggle a wise grandma colleague told me that kids only go to kindergarten in diapers one day. Until then, let it ride. It was very good advice. About 4ish, my son decided he wanted big boy pants. We didn't have to fight it then.

HANG IN THERE

E.

MOST kids are NOT TRAINED at 2, it isn't reality. It is not anyone's business, just say "we are working on it" and leave it alone. Do not let anyone else dictate what your child should or shouldn't be doing!!!!!! VERY FEW KIDS are ready at 2, let alone 3.

Let it go, if he is fighting this hard there is no point. It is one thing he can truly control. Be matter of fact, say "well when you are ready to be a big boy let me know"..and leave it alone. I can say for my son wanting a Transformer worked, he wanted one, I told him it was a big boy toy and he wasn't fully a big boy yet, put it on the fridge for him to see, then left it there. In two weeks he was 100% potty trained, he earned it and was VERY proud of earning it! :) He was 3 1/2 when that happened. I didn't even attempt to train him until there was no struggles, I got excited for him to be a big boy and bought the underwear and left it up to him when he was ready.

However, I was very whatever about the process with both of my kids. All the physical signs have to be there and he has to be mentally ready too. Fighting over it wasn't worth the stress.

You cannot force him to decide it is time, with a new baby I can tell you first hand that can cause regression, as it did with my daughter who was three when her brother was born. Seeing a baby getting attention for diaper changes can totally set him back. So let it go for now.

For my daughter she was potty trained at 2, had to have her tonsils out at 2 1/2 then had to have a cast as she twisted her knee then her brother was born, big time regression happened. I just let it go and put her back into pullups. Then around 3 1/2 I had Santa (a local rec center does it every year) call her and tell her he had lot's of big girl toys if she was to go into underwear that year...done, she went in, put them on and it was done 100%.

You will find what motivates him, but for now let it go. Just isn't worth the battle and the harder you push the more negative it seems. So if he is in pullups when the baby comes oh well, not the end of the world. Not fun but some boys aren't potty trained until 4...so it will happen just have to be patient.

I know it's frustrating. I have a 2 yr old and we've had some problems also. I am also expecting in September and hope to have potting well established by then. We've put potty training off for a bit because of some complications I was having early in my pregnancy...What I realized during that experience was of course she's not going to want to learn to potty in the toilet, it's hard. It's so much easier to go in a diaper whenever/whereever than to take responsibility for their body functions. So, there will be days when he has accident after accident and says, "no way" to using the potty.

Here's our plan: We use up any and all of the last of our diapers, pull-ups, etc. Then tell your little guy that he is a big boy now and big boys wear big boy underwear. Keep in mind that there are no more diapers so they will never be on option. Let him run around at home with just a t-shirt and underwear so you can spot accidents when they do (and will) happen. Make sure he is drinking all of his favorite liquids...my daughter drank so much she was hardly even hungry and ended up not eating much that first day. Be sure he understands that it's important to keep his big boy undies dry and when accidents do occur it is important that you catch them immediately and rush him to the bathroom potty saying "oh no! lets hurry to the potty" so that he can finish in the potty. If he gets anything in there at all praise him, show him, let him know that is exactly what big boys do. Put a dry pair of undies on him and start over reminding him to keep his clean undies dry and to let you know if he has to go potty. It will take a few days before he understands to tell you before he starts in his undies...but anytime he starts then stops is progress...just get him to the potty right away. Don't put him on the potty if he doesnt have to go...this makes the potty a punishment, a time out that is undesirable. There will be days after some success that he decides not to use the potty at all and will have accidents all day....he knows that this will get him back into diapers...prove him wrong. stick to it, don't force him on the potty but at least get him to the bathroom, explain to him his undies are yucky now and big boys keep their undies clean and dry. Stick to it and you will find in the days to follow he will get it. Everyone I've shared this method with has had great success, even with very young children...the main difficulty with a 3 year old is just that he's pretty set in his ways, it will get more challenging before it gets better. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! For a treat I'm going to use fruit snacks...I'm looking for some that are a bit healthier. But make it clear if you do use treats that he ONLY gets a treat after he goes potty in the toilet. Use something very small that he doesn't normally get. My daughter doesn't normally have fruit snacks and I don't like the idea of giving candy ...I believe it builds an unhealthy association with achievement and food...try to offer him special activities with mom outside if he goes a full day without an accident...try then going outside for an hour or so to let him play. Make sure he goes potty right before you go out and stay close to home just in case he tells you he needs to go potty while you are outside. Also...we had our greatest challenges at naptime and in the middle of the night. Be sure he doesn't drink anything for at least 2 hours before nap and tell him he needs to use the potty before his nap. He should also use the potty at least twice in the hour or so before bed. Good luck!!!

I would let it go. He's still young enough for it not to matter so much. Right now, it's a power struggle and neither of you will win. Even if he starts to go. I had to wait with my oldest. He didn't go really well until he was five and half. Of course, that's too old, he was unique problems. But I would let it go for a while. Good luck!!!

If he's fighting it tooth and nail, that means he's not ready. A child has to have both complete body control AND the mental desire to do it, or it's not going to happen.

My advice, and I'm totally serious, and I'm very experienced at this, is to put him in diapers and NOT DISCUSS THIS TOPIC AGAIN. (May I delicately point out that you're badgering him?) He will do it when he's ready. Hate to tell you, but some boys aren't ready until much later than his current age. Please, please stop bringing up this topic with your boy.

Lastly, this would be like a husband who wishes his wife knew how to cook well, and every single night at dinner, he bitches and commplains that she didn't serve steak tartare and shrimp scampi. Meanwhile, she's started looking at cookbooks and websites, but feels like a complete loser because all he does is remind her what a failure she is currently. Okay? I'm sorry to be blunt. Your kid needs love and doesn't want to constantly have your relationship be about the stupid potty.

Hi I had the same problem with my son. What finally worked for me, is i took all his big boy privlages and toys away and said if you want them back you have to be the big boy and us the potty. it took about a week and he was using the potty all the time. If you are out in town and he says he has to go you have to take him right then and not wait a few mins. I hope this helps. And as he continues to be a big slowly give back his big boy status.

No advice for you mama, my youngest is 5 1/2 and has been potty trained for about 3 weeks. Lots of hugs though. (((HUGS))) Also we had a huge issue with being scared of the potty, Because they flush Patrick in one episode of sponge bob. Took us forever to convince him Patrick was ok.

Those boys are stubborn. Our three-year old would resist if we tried to make him sit on the potty and try to go. What worked best for us is having him wear only underwear or go totally bottomless when he is at home. We had a few accidents at first, but he does not like the feeling of being wet, so eventually he learned that it is better to go to the potty and pee when he needs to go. He uses the grownup toilet with the little seat that goes on top. We are also starting to teach him to go standing up, but he prefers to sit. Our son could go as long as 4 hours before he really needed to pee, so putting him on the potty at 20 or 40 minute intervals like the books tell you to do just didn't work for us.

My advice is to take it slow and if he is really not ready just wait a little longer and try again. We made a few early attempts, but didn't get a serious about it until our boy was 3 1/2 (and we had a another baby in the house). Boys are much slower than girls at taking to potty training. Our son resists more if we push too hard. We knew he would eventually want to do it, so we just waited until he was more comfortable.

We also read a lot of potty training books and watched a few videos with our son for a long time before we started training. He really likes the Elmo Potty Time video.

It will be nice for you to have your boy potty trained before your new baby arrives, but if it doesn't happen before, i am sure he will get it shortly after.

Good luck!

That sounds exactly like what we are going through with my son. Unfortunately I don't know the answer and wonder if you can pass on any advice that you get.

You have a power struggle on your hands, and it's important to recognize that you can't win it because you cannot MAKE him go. He has control over his bladder. He can hold as he wants, and turn around and let loose when he wants. You have to stop pressuring him (which is different from encouraging him!) and wait until it is his idea. Trust me, the harder you try to 'make' him do this, the longer it will take. You even mentioned that he cries on the potty unless it's his idea... meaning he IS interested, but not in doing it on your terms. Trust me, if you back off it WILL happen. This is exceedingly common behavior. Good luck!

Many boys--especially first children who are boys--don't potty train until at least three, often not until 3 1/2. You just have to relax a bit. You could push the potty training and then have him regress after the baby comes, or you could give him a few more months. When a child is really ready, he can honestly potty train in a few days. Your son knows in his mind what he's supposed to do, he's just not quite ready to do it. Back off, make the suggestion, then let him go. If you're not stressed, he won't feel stressed either and will likely perform much better. Focus on other baby preparations and try not to worry.

K.
I saw that you got a lot of other advice and you've already given an update, but I wanted to let you know one more mom has been there. You could have been describing my son; we went through almost the exact same thing (even the multiple tries) and it was a battle of the wills. Finally, after much more fighting than I should have done, I gave up and put him back in diapers. But I did take away a few 'big boy activities' too (mostly Nintendo). When he would ask for the Nintendo I would say "It's a big boy game, and big boys wear big boy underwear." I didn't really say anything more about the potty than that. It took a while (he even started saying he "didn't want Nintendo anyway" - talk about power struggle) but he eventually decided to go potty. And he was 100% trained, even at nights, in about a week. He was a few months past 4 at the time, so believe me I know about the mother-in-law pressure. But it was so much better for everyone to just let him be. (He's 8 now and would die if he knew I was talking about his potty training!!)
So just give your son time where you're not even talking about him going potty. He'll get there when he's ready.

Google "3 day potty training" there is an e-book sold there that will answer many of your questions. It has worked for thousands in your position.

Everyone always has the right answers for someone else's child. My own parents were the hardest on me. My daughter was potty trained at 15 months but my parents did not even acknowledge that I did a good job. My middle son came along and he was well over 3 years old and then they came forward to tell me that I didn't know what I was doing. My youngest son was 2 and a half. They never say I am doing a good job. When my kids do monumental things it is because they are good kids but when they screw up it is always my fault. My daughter is going off to the university this fall and has a 3.98 GPA but it is nothing I helped with (according to my parents.) People can always give advice and lecture when their kids are grown because no one can go back in time and really see what happened. No one know more about your kids THEN YOU! You will always get word of wisdom from parents and you just have to learn to take it and figure out what is good and what is BS. I am sure you are a great mom and your son is not developmentally challenged. Kids will do it when they are ready. Just remember to work with your child and not against him and things will go so much easier for you. If he wants to be a big brother for the baby and use the potty that is great. No one will have any idea when he started using the potty later in life. Good luck!!

You have a ton of great advise. Im struggling as well and my son is 2 1/2 and will be three in June. But, for treats, I decided to go away from candy or even stickers. Right now my son doesnt seem intrested, so again I am waiting, but when he does get interested again. I bought some cheap bounce balls for him to put in a sand bucket. If he goes well without being wet, I let him bounce a ball and put it in his bucket. If he is consistant I let him continue to put balls in. If not consistant, he finds the occasional bouncy ball fun. But, hopefully he will fill the bucket and get the bucket as the end prize for playing with. But, he doesn't get the bucket until he is completely potty trained. Then I dont know what I am going to do with all the bouncy balls. Anyhow good luck, it is a challenge. M.

Hi there,
I know I am a little late, but figured I would respond anyway. My daughter who will be 3 in June we just potty trained last week. Amazingly, it only took about 3 days for her to completely get it.
My mom has been pushing for the last 6 months, but I wasn't seeing any signs from my daughter that she was ready. Until.... she started telling me when her diaper was dirty, she went poops, etc. Then I knew it was time. My son was potty trained by 2 1/2, but he showed signs of interest from about 18 months on.
I took a training class at Babys R Us that was extremely helpful. Here's the basics:
Per the teacher, every child is ready by 18-24 months. If you start later, the harder it is. ( Not sure if it's true, but that is what she said).
Pick a date that you want to start, then start talking about it. Example, "next Saturday, we are going to start going potty on the toilet". Keep talking about it, get him excited.
Take him to the store, let him pick 1 special pack of underwear and the rest just get plain white. When the BIG day comes, put him in his special underware. Tell him that as long as he goes potty in the toilet, he can wear his special underwear all day. If and when he goes potty, he has to wear the white ones the rest of the day. Each day, he will try harder to stay dry because he's wearing his special underwear.
The only reward system the teacher recommended is stickers. We did temp. tatoos with our daughter and those worked wonderfully (she wasn't near as interested in stickers as our son) and for our son, we used a sticker chart. At the end of 1 full week of pt with no accidents, we took them somewhere special to celebrate their achievement.
One other thing the teacher said was to not use pull ups. She said they are too comfortable, just use normal underwear.
I know this is hard time but you will get through it. I know how hard it is to hear your MIL say isn't he potty trained yet??? My mom put a ton of pressure on me too. Just hang in there.
The last thing that I would strongly recommend is that next time you decide to potty train, don't go back to diapers. He has to know that this is serious and even if it's hard, he will get through it. If he knows that if he has a few accidents he will get to go back to a diaper, he won't want to try.
I liked the other suggestions about putting a picture of a special big boy toy on the fridge. Once he's a big boy and goes in the potty, he can have big boy toys.
Good luck to you girl!