Potty Training Blues - Medford,OR

I dont have any words of advice for you, only support and know that you are not alone! My daughter is 2 1/2, but I could see myself being in the same boat a year from now, though I will keep hoping (quietly) for some progress soon...I have done everything you listed, read that "Potty Training in one day" book (didn't work for my kid!), she talks about the potty and every one of her dolls and stuffed animals go pee and poop on the potty (a game she does at her own will), and she fully knows that every one of her friends is potty trained except for her. I had an intensive few weeks where we would camp out in the house spending most of the day in the bathroom trying to get her to go, and I would maybe get a teaspoon of pee, which she would get very excited about and we would praise highly...I dont know if she just became intimidated by the expectations, or she is just that strong-willed of a little taurus (probably the latter!) but she all of a sudden stopped completely going on the potty (wont even sit on it anymore!) so I decided that I need to ease off and let things take their own course. I guess they all just decide when they are ready--I try not to compare my child to my friends or others, it is just frustrating that all of my friends kids were potty trained by 18 months or 2, which isnt necessarily the norm either, but it is more for me as a parent thinking I am doing something wrong, when in fact I just have a child who is not as interested, and definitely likes to stay in her comfort zone! as tired as I am of changing diapers, she is such a joy in every other way that I do not want my expectations to affect my relationship with her or make her feel as if I dont accept her for the way she is. I am sure you feel just the same, and I am sure there is light at the end of the tunnel soon, just hang in there and good luck!!! Thanks for your post! I will keep reading the other insightful and helpful replies!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
It sounds like your daughter is like mine- smart and stubborn. At this age they do not have much control over things in their life- we tell them when to eat, what to eat, where to go.... Anyway, try giving her some more control in her life. Does she dress herself and choose her own clothes? My daughter does now and that has helped us in so many areas- sometimes she chooses inappropriate things- a skirt in the snow, but she is learning natural consequences- she gets cold.

Anyway, I try to give her choices when I can- Would you like your eggs scrambled or fried today? So she feels she has some control.

So back to the potty- My daughter will still hold it for hours and then at the last minute run to the bathroom. She usually makes it, but when she does not I try not to say anything. When she comes to me wet I say, "hmmm, I guess you should go find some dry pants." Or, "It looks like you have a problem. I wonder how we can solve it?"

When I see her holding herself I ask if she needs to use the potty. When she says no, I say, "I know you will go when you are ready." and that again gicves her control.

Good luck- I know it is really frustrating as a perent. :) S.

If you are absolutely set on no pull-ups, I have two suggestions. One, don't let her see how much it upsets you. She is getting something from you out of wetting her pants. If you stop giving it to her, she might stop fighting. The other suggestion is make her help with the laundry. At 3 and a half, she can bring her dirty clothes to the washing machine and put them in. She can wipe up the mess on the floor.

I had the same problem with my daughter. She somehow thrived on the power struggle and did not stop having accidents until well after I had let it go.

2 years after she was potty trained, when her younger brother was potty training, the issue briefly resurfaced. She overheard a conversation I had with him about it being ok to have accidents once in a while. Within a few days, she peed her pants while we were out somewhere, at 6 years old. I told her in no uncertain terms that what I said to her brother did not apply to her. She was not allowed to have accidents like him. She straightened up right away and hasn't been a problem since.

The reason I mention this last thing is to underline that it was a power struggle the whole time we went through potty training. She was completely in control and choosing to have accidents. If this is the case with your daughter, you have to stop struggling against her before it will end.
Good luck.

We had some serious issues with our son potty training. Our daughter pretty much self trained at 18 months for bowels then at 2 urine trained in a week. How could we be so lucky? Our son has been day trained now for a few months and turned 4 last week (we started at 2 1/2-he was just simply not ready). Someone recommended the book "potty train in a day". I don't remember the author though. Search the library catalog for it by title. It is popular book and an interesting concept but it worked for him. He still has the doll. It is a lot of work on your part but definately worth it to me and it takes more than "a day" of planning. I could not find underwear for the doll so I took a pair of my husbands tube socks, cut about 3" lengths and then just tacked them down to make the crotch part. Worked well, I also used raisins for the poo instead of Peanut Butter, easier to sneak in and not so messy, he never figured it out either. When he pooped in the potty for the first time we bought him a new action figure. Then he said he didn't need to poop in the potty anymore because he had his new toy. So, we started putting them in a box in the garage for every poop in his undies and then for every poop in the potty he got to get one out. It didn't take long for them all to end up in the garage (i think he had about 7)and he asked for them constantly. Then, bingo, they all ended up back in the house one at a time and we no longer needed a box in the garage. We also made him clean his own messes. Some times we'd go through half a package of wipes, but mad a difference. My husband came in one time and asked what I was doing. He got worked up because poop was getting "everywhere"! Each event had a large garbage sack, 1/2 pack wipes, a bunch of clorox wipes and more patience than I thought I had in me.

If you've already switched to panties then i wouldn't go back, it just confuses them. Stay calm even in the event of out of panties. At one point with my daughter she had no clean pants or panties so she got to run around naked (which they will mention in the book). The other thing to be aware of is the pull-up outings. They shouldn't happen, it also confuses them. You have to just be prepared. Stop at the potty every time you see one and "try". We kept plastic grocery bags in the car to put under her bottom just in case, to prevent having to wash the car seat more than necessary.

I wish I had read the book before attempting the training with him because he just wasn't ready when I was, and the book will help define that too! Good luck.

Kids train at all ages so don't be down. How clear is her line of communication with you? My daughter is nearly done but I pressed the issue to be honest. We'd tried pull-ups but it seemed to confuse her. I finally said no more (except at night), and she has accidents here and there but is doing well. I had to ride her the first few weeks and it was a first few days of non-stop accidents. But I set a timer for every 15 minutes and had her go in every time it went off. We keep a stack of books in there for her, and we also did a sticker chart (took her a couple of stickers to figure out what it was for and oh boy now there's no holding her back!). But I can't tell you how discouraged I feel whenever she has an accident. But I have her tell me where the poo poo and pee pee goes (she chimes back with "in the potty!") and we get right back to it. She will catch on but it will be an accident riddled journey. We're all on this ride together, and it's a messy one. But they do get it eventually (how many moms of teenagers are changing their teens diapers? *winks*)

I hope I can say this in an encouraging way. You are not alone. Potty training is not as simple as some people make it out to be. I can totally relate to being DONE with the extra laundry and messes in the house. If I've learned anything in potty training my two kids is that going back and forth between panties and pull-ups/diapers just messes up the whole system. So, hang in there! I also read that poty training takes on average eight months, so don't get discouraged. The best potty training book I've read is Diaper Free before 3 by Jill M. Lekovic. Don't be discouraged by the title.

You're not going to like my advice, but it's on the same page as Ruth L....Back Off. Your dd will PT when she is ready. Stop the pressure. Yes, it stinks that you still need to buy diapers (no pull-ups, only diapers). I tried to PT my ds early and it was a frustrating time. I finally threw my hands in the air and stopped trying. About 2 months later I forgot to change his diaper after nap and took him to a park. WELL, his diaper was soooo full it was leaking everywhere. I pulled off his diaper (didn't even have any with me) and told him that if he has to go potty, let me know cuz if he pee pee's his pants we'll have to leave the park. He went potty (in the toilet) 2 times at the park!!

From that day forward, we had very few potty issues. Put her back into diapers and stop worrying. I have yet to see a High Schooler graduate wearing a diaper.

I was a preschool teacher for many, many years, and I can tell you that when it comes to potty training, preschool peer pressure is a wonderful thing! Your daughter will have friends at school that can show her the ropes. Potty time can become quite the social hour!

Having to stop playing with friends to go get cleaned up at school will get very old, very quickly. Once she learns that she has control over that situation, she will be just fine.

Just take lots and lots of changes of clothes to school and expect to do laundry everyday for a few weeks, if needed. And get her pretty panties as a reward. Girls like to show them off to each other - another good motivator.

Relax! This too will pass.

Hey A., I think you need to relax a little because getting stressed out will ultimately rub off on your girl! It really sounds like she's just not ready to be potty trained yet! She is not yet 4, it sounds like not even 3 1/2 yet, so really you should not be so concerned about her being delayed. Kindergarten is still at least two years away, and that is a ton of time in toddler years.
Why don't you take some of the pressure off, and have her wear underwear for an hour or two a day, then just put regular diapers on? I know it's hard feeling like you're regressing, but it would save you the stress of having to do laundry all the time, and having your expectations shot down. School will probably motivate her by seeing other children going to the potty. And you should take her with you when you go as well. Like say, "oh, mommy has to pee, come with me a second." Then maybe she'll get inspired.
Just hang in there and don't feel defeated if she simply is not ready!

A.- you are doing the right thing- and if she is embarrased in pre-school- likely that will really help her. What is happening is that the CONSEQUENCES are all on Mommy and dd is sailing free. What would happen if you very matter of factly said '''' these nice panties can go to McDonalds' play place --- but only if they are dry--- they're wet??/ Oh, too bad--- maybe tommorow they can go to McDonalds'''''' And I am so evil and wicked I might even suggest that there are this many sets of dry clothes - and if they all get wet--the only clothes left are pajamas - so dd can play in her room til bedtime ( no, of course I wouldn't do that at 8am - but 4pm??? --- absolutely- with a brief dinner break- no child ever went into therapy from having to play in their room for 3 hours)

What you want to do --now and for the next 14 years is make sure the consequences bite dd - or help dd - or suppport/teach- but that THEY DONT BITE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN DEAL WITH.

Blessings, dear heart-
J.
aka - old Mom

okay, i've potty trained 3, 2 of which are girls, the best way i found was to over load on liquids and sit on the potty every hour, and give m & m's as a reward, always positive reinforcement and never any negative. our ped dr. said that the best thing to do is look for signs that they are ready. staying dry all night and at naps. she said that if you try too early your only training yourself to see the signs that they need to go. and that if they dont have the reflex to stop the urine then its kinda pointless. and with both of my girls i had to put them back in pull ups at night everytime they went thru growth spurts. when the bodies grow so fast the bladder cant keep up and a lot of accidents happen. sometimes setting an hour timer helped to remind them it was time to go potty. and they had to sit there till they went.
hope this helps some.

A. I had a hard time with my daughter as well but mine was she wonted to potty like her brothers so I came up with the idea to have her play mommy with her dolls and I made a play time out of it to train her dolls she had to show them how to sit on the potty the same way I showed her it was about a week later and she was going on her own try it it may work for you as well. J.

Relax. It may take a while, but it will happen. I don't think taking things away will help you much. It's a natural function and everyone learns eventually. My oldest son didn't fully potty train until he was almost 5. He is in his school's Highly Capable Learner Program, so it had nothing to do with his learning ability. Believe me, we tried everything too. He just waited until he was ready. Meanwhile, we still encouraged him and kept the little rewards coming with each successful trip. We even gave him a tiny reward when he would ask to use the potty... even if he didn't "go" when he got there. Eventually, he wanted to be in the ranks of the big boys. Sending him to preschool with extra pants... sometimes several... was a necessity, but LOTS of preschoolers have accidents. I don't think it will be as humiliating an experience as you think it might. Besides, being around other younger potty trained kids will probably help motivate her. The instructors at preschools are ususally good about making sure that there is as little embarrasment as possible. Hope this helps. Good luck.

A.,

I am having similar troubles with my daughter Teresa who is a few months younger. My husband also has OCD. First thing is you need to get a hold of your condition. That may be causing some of the problem, though I am not a doctor. Also, when she is ready, she is ready. Teresa also goes to preschool. She will go in the potty there but is is a battle most of the time at home. The other day when I asked to about going, she said "my pee school". Seeing the other kids and having potties her size my help. This is the tough thing and the best advice I can give you is be patient and consistant.

Good Luck.

A.,

Just relax. What is the harm if she wears pulls to kindergarten? Maybe a little peer pressure is what she needs. Every child is different. She's just not ready, for whatever reason, just yet. She'll change her mind just give her some more time. Really, it's not the end of the world and she's not delayed in any other areas so you can be very thankful of that. I would just let her be for now and let her tell you when she's ready for the next step. All this pressure on her is probably worse than her wearing pull ups in front of friends. If it doesn't bother her, then I would give her some more time. I know boys are a little later in this area, and my 3+ year old son is just now getting interested in the potty. He'll come along when he's ready. I give him the option, let him know what's going on, keep suggesting, but he'll know when the time is right.

Good luck.

R.

I have no advice, you're doing everything right, but I do have support to give you! My daughter was a nightmare to train, NIGHTMARE! I love her dearly, don't misunderstand, but she was stubborn, obstinent, cranky, manipulative...the list goes on!, when we were training her 5/6 years ago. It is eventually happened. On her schedule, when she was ready.
School should be easier because it's less of a power struggle thing there - everyone else is doing it, it's the natural way, there is less pressure (other than peer pressure - which for once comes in handy!). So that's a plus, at least. It can also be maddening - why will she do it at school but not at home???? *sigh* All I can see is that she will in time.
The experience was so scarring that, I kid you now, the minute I found I was pregnant with my second, I cried and had my own meltdown because I felt - oh my god! What did I DO???? I'm going to have to potty train again!!!!
Seriously. The first month and a half that I was pregnant I had huge depression - the potty training, the 2 year old fits and tantrums....my daughter was 5. I felt like I had worked out the kinks. Life was finally good!
Now, we are just now in the midst of potty training as well (He turned 2 in September), but he is so much more laid back, and we are so much more laid back. We are just kind of letting it happen. If he asks to go, we take him, and he is just now at about 50% success rate. Otherwise he is a pullup during the day and a diaper at night. The only time I have a set time to put him on the potty - before shower time, and as of right now, he almost always goes. He also loves to go poop in the potty. Don't know why - my daughter HATED to poop in the potty.
So, this too shall pass, and maybe on your next time around things will be easier for you like they were/are for me! I think that the mental trauma and heartache from the first time has made me much more willing to be laid back this second time around.

I know how you feel. My daughter was very similar. I finally told myself that I am not going to push it or worry about it. As you know already, you cannot make a child use the toilet, just as you can't make them sleep even if you have put them in bed. It was causing too much stress and too many power struggles (which sounds like your experience). I just decided, she's not ready and when she is, it will happen. So, she'll be in pull-ups. When we were out and about in a restroom, I did point out to her other kids using the potty in a very positive way so she didn't feel belittled (just simply something like "look at that little girl, she just used the potty all by herself.") Amazingly, about a week or two after going back to pull ups, she wanted to wear underwear. She would have accidents initially, but it was on her terms. Also, a few months after being officially "potty trained," she started having many more accidents and "puddling" in her panties a lot - this was because she did not want to stop what she was doing and use the potty. I believe her preschool cured her of that because she must of been a bit embarassed by it. One thing I was careful of was not to get mad at her if she had an accident. I would just say "Oh no. You did not make it to the potty in time. We'll need to change your bottoms now. What do you think you should do next time to stay dry?" I found that if she came up with her own solution, we were likely to stay dry most of that day. Eventually she just stayed dry. That's not to say she doesn't "puddle" once in a while still of course (it may be way too much to expect a 4 year old to drop what she is doing every time and make it before it's a touch too late!)

Hope that helps!!!

Be prepared for another weekend of dirty laundry, but this does work. Go get some nice little girl rayon panties. Not cotton, but rayon, silky feeling ones. Number one, explain she really doesn't want to get her big girl pretty panties wet and dirty. It's just not nice. Then there's the discomfort factor. Wet rayon panties are cold and very uncomfortable. She will feel the wet and the discomfort and she won't like it. She will want to go to the bathroom. Is her potty chair down and accessible to her in the bathroom? Can she pull down her own pants? or does she have to have you take her to the bathroom? You have to set limits to where you can go and what you can do and let her know what those consequences are. Don't backslide to plastic pants over the training pants. If you must go out, pull ups will be your only saving grace, but they have the ones where kids feel the wet, and this is what needs to happen. She will get a little chafe, but that's what's going to help motivate her to change her behavior. The reward system isn't working for you. That and she's getting some great one on one attention from you when she wets. You can try ignoring her for a while, let her be wet and uncomfortable and no response from you. She won't like it and she'll do something about it. To persist is to achieve. Take a deep breath and breathe. This is a test of wills.

Hi,

I feel for you. We had a similar situation with our daughter and it was very frustrating. Our daughter will be 4 in May and she still has some accidents. She just gets too busy and won't take the time to go and then holds it to long.

What I did find is that around 3 I told her it's her body and it's her responsibility. She needs to go to the potty when she feels the pee in her belly. She seemed to get that. I also made a point of leaving her in her wet clothes when she would have accidents and making her change herself and not helping at all.

We read a lot on the potty and to this day and she looks forward to that. I don't know if that's something you have tried or if she likes to read. That worked well for us to get some new interesting books that were restricted to being read 1) if she went potty and had no accidents or 2) only on the potty. It worked fairly well.

I feel for you but it will get better. IT is a power struggle and I found I just had to try and let go. My daughter could see how much it bothered me and I think she enjoyed getting a reaction out of me.

The other thing we did was get a Reddy rabbit potty bunny and she was only allowed to play with it in the potty but she loved the rabbit and the potties that come with it and the story.

Here's a link to it (I bought it from amazon or somewhere though I think) The toilet even flushes.

http://www.babylove.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&...

Good luck!

Hang in there it will get better and then you'll be on to the next challenge ;-)

D.

{{HUGS!}} It IS frustrating when there is an area of life that matters tremendously to you and the child seems apathetic. Right off the bat, I want you to know that according to the medical professionals, children are not considered to be behind in toilet learning until their fourth year. Still... I know it is hard as a Mom and can be very embarassing when other people seem to look down on you or even question your parenting skills because your child's experience does not match the experience of their child. I think you are doing the right thing by going ahead and transitioning her to training pants. My other suggestion is to have her help with the clean-up, if you are not already doing so. This is her body, and learning to take care of it is part of learning about proper hygene. This is an excellent opportunity for you to teach her about proper wiping techniques, which is particularly important when dealing with girls. I have training in Early Childhood Education and have studied the Montessori Method, and I still ended up bribing one of my daughters with a trip to Chuck E. Cheese if she would "go brown" in the toilet! :) Hang in there, Mama! Blessings to you and your girl. :)

Hi A.,
I just wanted to say hang in there...My youngest son was almost 4 before he decided it was time to start to give up pull-ups. He's 17 and a Sr in high school now, but at that age stickers and other such rewards didn't impress him much either. As far as the mess, could your daughter help you with the laundry? Perhaps help sort, match socks, fold small things like wash cloths?
Good Luck,
Vicki

Hi A.! My partner and I have recently gone thru the potty training phase with our son. Believe me, it was one of the hardest things we have done! My partner had a week off from work, so with the weekend before the time off and the weekend after the time off, we had 9 days of NON-STOP potty training. We kept him at home and did not have any visitors during that time off, so if you are able to have some time off to spend working on the potty training, I think you will have more success. The first 2 days we went thru 12 pairs of underwear a day (and we just got regular underwear for him, not training pants/rubber pants). After going thru a ton of socks and pants too, we just decided to keep him in a shirt, underwear and socks (to cut down on laundry!). We took him to the bathroom just about every 15 minutes at first, then slowly made the time between breaks longer and longer. We explained that he goes "pee-pee" (or what ever you call it at your house) before eating, after eating, after waking up...I have found that using the "before we..../after we...." we go pee-pee seems to work pretty well...and eliminates some of the fussing....he has learned that it is not me asking him....it is a "rule", just something we always do...so now that is a habit, and he doesn't fight it anymore....it did take some time for that....but you just have to keep at it....consistency is the KEY! We started training our son over Thanksgiving Holiday, so you could try it over the President's Day holiday (and get from Friday night to Tuesday morning to put your plan into action and really work 100%). At first our little guy was not that interested in the stickers or anything, but what really motivated him was NOT getting to have his PANTS!!! If he went pee-pee in his pants/underwear, he only got to wear his underwear...and we explained that he went pee-pee in his pants and we dont wear pee-pee pants....broke his little heart, but it worked for motivational purposes. I think you are facing a power struggle right now....but if you can keep with a plan, even for 3-4 days of 100% potty training (except for night time for now), you can break her habits of being in charge of NOT going potty and get her to understand the power she has of GOING potty. Our little guy was 20 months when we started training, so I think we might have had a little advantage with the fact that he didn't have any ideas that he was the "boss" yet...but we did get him daytime trained by the end of the 10 days (even going out to the mall or grocery store....actually, he did better when we went out than he did at home). You can do it, stick with it....she is ready, really ready, but you have to stay strong....Good luck!

It sounds like you are doing everything right. What worked for my kids was the book "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day" by Nathan Azrin. This was a long time ago, but it is still available. He first developed a method to toilet train the severely mentally retarded. Then, he adapted his method for children. I spent less than a day training each of mine, a boy and a girl. Good luck to you.

Do not give in to her and put her back in pull ups! My son was 18 months when we switched to underwear. The first day he had 13 accidents and was begging for his pull up. I said no, and the next day he had 3 or 4 accidents, then down to one a day then one a week, and was completely accident free in about a month. He just had to know that first day that I was not going to give in, no matter how often I had to scrub the carpet!

Welcome to the wonderful world of having a strong willed child. Me, I think the move has more to do with than you think. Our daughter was only wearing a pullup at night and big girl panties during the day... she was 23 mos. Then we brought her brother home from the hospital, she in one week went completely back to diapers! It took almost six months to get her back to where she had been.
I guess what I learned is the harder you push the more they push back. The laundry is a pain, but we will do it all to keep our little ones safe & happy. Hang in there! She'll go once she's settled again.

Talk about timing! My son is 3 and 1/2 also. He was in the same boat about a week ago. It took several weeks of accident after accident, and I was going nuts. I thought he was never going to get it. I would take him and he would pee, and then 5 minutes later he would pee his pants. And then on Friday he was watching a movie, he got up and ran into the bathroom to pee BY HIMSELF! He has not had an accident since! It will take time.

One thing I did for my daughter was buy her nylon underwear. Ever got a pair of nylons wet? Yeah they feel gross!

A.,

First I'd like to give you a HUGE hug. Maybe more. You are most definitely NOT alone. My son turned 5 this past October and is only now approaching his 1 year potty trained mark. Like you we tried stickers, toys, candy, you name it. Peer pressure at school didn't work, and I was getting desperate. He was also outgrowing diapers and the pull-ups.

What finally worked for us was combining some advice from this great website (I'll add the link at the bottom). We made a calendar and he would get a sticker for every day he went accident free, days only. When he got ten consecutive days we'd take him on the ferry and we'd go get ice cream on the other side. It worked like a charm because he loved the ice cream on the other side, and he loves ferry rides.

We also let him squat on the toilet seat so he could see the monsters that were trying to get him/his poop when he kept pooping in his pants.

Best of luck and you are NOT alone,
M.
http://www.mamasource.com/request/8244745171971866625

My son was 4 1/2 and still in diapers (daughter 2 1/2 trained). He had been dry over night since he was 12 months old.

His preschool teacher said to me, in front of him, I won't change him, or take him if he is in diapers. He was trained in a day.

Amazing. It might work for you.

I think the reason it worked was the pressure was from someone else and not me.

Another idea:

My daughter in law is training my granddaughter by giving her one day a week without diapers. The rest of the time she wears diapers. But my granddaughter is will be two Feb 20.