Potty Training a Stubborn 3 Year Old

I had lots of trouble with my stubborn 3 year old as well. After trying all the different things I could think of, I finally just let her do it all on her own. I stopped making a big deal about it and she started to get it on her own. If you know that she can go and just refuses too, do not use the pull ups. Put her in underwear and if she has an accident, have her clean it up, or at least help. Don't make a big deal about it, just change her clothes and clean up the mess and move on with your day. I usually had my daughter change her clothes herself and made sure she put them in the laundry herself. It probably took a little longer but once I stopped making a battle out of it, she started going more often. I would tell her she had done a good job if she did go on her own, but once again, I did not make a big deal about it.

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I'm in your same boat. I tried everything I read and she could have cared less. We even tried telling her Santa wouldn't come if she didn't start pooping in the big girl potty (her biggest hurdle)...she didn't care. I felt horrible for putting that one on the line and in the end Santa wrote her a letter telling her that since she was a really good girl, he couldn't pass her house up but that he really wanted to hear that she was going full time in the potty by next year. I usually stick to my word so that one was hard. ANYWAY...one day I watched her prepare a bowl of cereal all by herself AND clean it all up when she was done. As proud of her as I was something hit me that this was not a child that NEEDED diapers anymore. We sat down and had a discussion about all the big girl things that she does and how much I really really do not like changing her diaper and that I was done. If she could find someone else to change her, great, but I was not touching another diaper (this was a friday night btw). We stayed home all weekend and I bought some plastic panty covers (Gerber makes them and they come in a two pack at target)...if she didn't have one on she had to stay in the hallway or the kitchen so she didn't make a mess...if she messed in her pants, she was 100% responsible for cleaning it (with some mommy supervision of course). If she went through all her panties, I was going to go buy her boy panties. She did awesome and went to daycare the following monday with the plastic covers and panties on (no diapers or pull-ups in sight)...she only had 2 small accidents the first week and is on to the thick panties w/no covers this week and knock on wood is doing really well. We make a HUGE deal out of every time she goes in the big girl potty and tell her how proud we are of her. Friday night has turned into movie night pending a good week of potty training.

Sounds like your little princess is as stubborn and smart as ours is...not sure if this will work for you as nothing i read that worked for anyone else worked for us but it is totally worth a shot!

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First, I'm going to assume there is nothing medically wrong with her that would delay this process.

I had the same thing and I didn't get anywhere until 3 months shy of her 4th birthday. I finally bit the bullet and put her into a paid daycare/preschool setting...I paid a little more upfront because she wasn't potty trained but the peer pressure of it worked MARVELOUSLY! Believe it or not, the basics were done in a week and it was just encouraging it and reinforcing it at home. I'd say by the 3rd week we had absolutely no accidents and it was THEN that I pulled out the $30 doll I had bought for as the big incentive and told her how proud I was of her keeping her pants/clothes dry for a whole week. (I understand not everyone can do that, but I was nearly bald by that time and was where you were in frustration. It's what finally worked for me.)

Mind you, we still use goodnights for nighttime but I'm not forcing the whole nighttime potty training yet...my kids are heavy sleepers and it's not worth disrupting their sleep pattern to me yet.

Even if she won't pick her panties, pick something that YOU KNOW she will like or would have picked. She's fighting you tooth and nail and if she doesn't have to make a decision about it she thinks she's just putting it off all the more. As for being a big girl...just tell her that she can't do those big girl things as long as she still wets her pants. Mommies don't do that, other big girls don't do that...so neither can she. Make "everything" a big girl activity and just be sincere in saying "oh how sad, we can't do that because you aren't a big girl"..."well maybe when you finish potty training and ARE a big girl we can do that." And walk away. Use the love and logic method to get her to make the decision without you being the bad guy. Then the only one she can be mad at is herself because she's the only one holding herself back from doing the things she wants. Once she makes the decision to start potty training, keep with the positive reinforcement and the incentives...it will bolster her self-esteem and let her know that you are still backing her 100%. Whatever you do, don't let your emotions rule the roost...walk away in that case and tell her you will get back to her...if she knows she has gotten to you then she wins.

Oh, by the way. The day that my daughter DID finally manage a whole week of no wet pants, her brother (a year older) and I threw together a quick celebration "I'm a big girl party" complete with balloons and cake and her favorite meal...it really wasn't a big deal but it sure was to her. I even gave her a big girl crown to wear. Sure it was over the top but it also ensured we weren't going to regress... :) Good luck.

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V.,

What Cari said has a lot of great ideas... go with that. Is there anything in your daughter's life that is maybe stressing her?

It took my daughter time too, because it was just at that time her dad and I were going through a separation/divorce. So I know it took her more time than usual. Just when I didn't think there was a diaper out there big enough to fit her, she was trained!!

Also, I've heard the older a child is, the quicker the training goes, and with less accidents. That was also our experience.

Good luck! ls

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I agree and did basically the same thing from Cari M, except my daughter is 2 1/2 and fully potty trained!! The pull-ups are diapers and my daughter caught onto that right away and basically became lazy, and just pee in her pants. So I put her in underwear and I never forced her to use the toilet but I always mentioned it. She did not like to feel wet and became upset when I didn't change/clean her up right away, so she started using the toilet by herself to pee (I had to be out of the bathroom!) Then pooping took her a little bit because I think the feeling scared her. But I did the same process with the pooping (kept her in underwear, waited a bit to change her and she didn't like the feeling), and again, she went to poop on the toilet, by herself or her own terms!! Plus with pooping, I used sour patch kids as an extra bonus if and when she pooped on the toilet!
Anyway with 2 kids, I discovered that potty training is totally on their terms and when they decide to do it, they will! Don't force it but encourage!!

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Your best bet is to calm down and let her do it in her own time. It will happen when she is ready. I potty trained 3 (2 girls and 1 boy), I didn't do anything and they just decided it was time. Each one came as a total shock. One day I thought it was never going to happen and the next they asked me to go on the potty. They were all very different ages too. Trust me, she will not be wearing diapers when she goes to Kindergarten!

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I"m in the same boat with my two year old, to be 3 on Feb 1. We went to the store, picked out panties, she said she wouldn't wear them so we cheerfully waved good bye to the Dora panties.
She will potty if we take her at the right time but if we don't prompt, she won't do it and she refuses to poop in the potty.
She fully understands the issue and we have long discussions about it.
We aren't pushing it. One day she will decide that she wants big girl panties and it will be a reason all her own and I figure she will potty train over night when she is ready. So, for me, unless Caroline goes to kindergarten with a diaper on, I'm not going to worry about it.
It's hard because you look at other, much younger kids who are potty trained and feel like a bad mom (at least I do). I try to just feel like a patient mom :) :)

Fortunately, someone gave me a great book, by Terry Brazelton. It emphasizes that kids need to feel that potty is something they own --they need to do it for themselves, not to please others. And, they are self-motivated, even if it doesn't look like it, or you haven't pushed it. He says that rewards and even praise can backfire, so instead, just a simple, "Oh, good job," when she does well, and nothing if she doesn't. You have to let go of your attachment to an idea of what she SHOULD do, or of what is "normal." I would suggest just backing off, or even telling her, "Maybe you're not ready for potty yet, so we won't be pushing you to do it anymore. When you're ready, if you need any help, let me know." Then let her take the lead. This worked for my daughter, who was definitely still wearing diapers almost all the time well past her third birthday. Eventually she started pottying on her own, often not even telling me. She also decided on her own when to move the potty seat to the big toilet, and when to quit using the seat altogether.

Thanks for putting this question out there - I feel like I'm the only one going through this. My son turned 3 in Nov., but already needs size 6&7 diapers. I know they say boys take longer, but in our circle of friends we have the only kid not potty trained (some started when they were 18mos. old-WHAT??). It's good to know that no one really advocates the pull-ups... I got tired of cleaning up "accidents" and got lazy, so we started using pull-ups. I guess I may just need to wait a little while and see when he is ready. My son is so tall, that he doesn't fit on most public changing stations and the diapers are sooo expensive that I really just wanted to be done with all of this. We've invested so much in "potty prizes, stickers, stamps, etc..." and my son did REALLY well for about a week, with few accidents (mostly #2 accidents). All of a sudden, we had total regression - he wouldn't go on the potty on his own and had full-on temper tantrums if i would even mention that he might need to go on the potty, because it had "been a while" since he had gone last. I found myself sucked back into it being a battle of the wills and I would catch myself, not only angry at changing pull-ups/clothes/cleaning up accidents, but would PLEAD with him to go on the big-boy potty. I think I needed this slap in the face --- just back off and let it happen when it's supposed to happen. Next round I'm taking the simpler approach - a jar of M&M's in the bathroom and underwear only (no pull-ups). Maybe it will be easier in the spring, when a kid running around in undies only isn't as big of a deal. I realize now that I need to take my power back and let him have his own power over whether he wants to do big-boy things or not.

Oh - and by the way - every book I've read, every behavior expert I've talked to and my pediatrician told me to wait until after he turned 3 to start potty training. Only condition to do it before then was if he showed a strong interest in it himself-unsolicited. So I don't feel a bit guilty about not starting until after he turned 3.

My son just turned 3 and we have been potty training for 1 week. Before then I would sit him on the potty often, but he would never pee or poop. You can't force it out of them!
One day my son picked up the potty seat, put it on the big seat and was ready to potty in the toilet. Sure, physically he could have done it before then, but mentally he wasn't ready. Don't take anyone's criticism too hard, everyone has their opinion and what worked for them. I truly believe when our little ones are ready it will happen. This is my 3rd child I'm training and all were 3 yrs old. My oldest was already 3 when he started. In my experience this is a great age to start trying. My son did not want to wear the underwear at first, but I put his pants over them anyways and didn't let him take them off. He got used to them fast and now likes looking at himself in the mirror.
Keeping trying and it will happen!
V.

My daughter saw or read something about having a potty party, I think it was after she successfully had her first bowel movement in the big potty. She had a cupcake, hats, noisemakers, etc. They marched around the house celebrating the fact that she pottied, had cake and made the whole day about her. I thought it was silly, but she's 6 now and had very few accidents since then. She is a very smart little girl and was late potty training too. I think this was a suggestion from Dr. phil. Good Luck!

V.-
My first one was unbelievably stubborn. Nothing seemed to work, and sometimes she would wait until I put the pull ups on her to go to the bathroom. I tried rewards, bribes, punishment, praise, everything I could think of....and when she was ready to do it, she did! That was it. She is now 14 and laughs at me about all of this, but believe me it was not funny at the time, as you well know! Be as patient as you can....they are all different. The three children that followed weren't nearly as difficult, or maybe I just knew that a lot of it was out of my control. Good luck, and hang in there! It will happen eventually.....

My daughter was the same way. However she will wear the underwear and pullups. I just started putting them on her. Yesterday she wore big girl pants all day. I have been trying with her for months now. I didn't want to push her too hard and turn her off completely. Make sure you take her when you go. My daughter is very stubborn and hard headed. I just told her that everyone else goes potty in the toilet. I am hoping to be at the end of the pullups. I would just buy her some underwear in the character that she likes or pullups and start to put them on her. Remember you are the boss. :) Easier said then done I know.

Good Luck
N.

First why have you waited until she is 3 years old? By this age habits are hard to break, this should be started as soon after 1 1/2 and certainly before they are 2. I have potty trained 3 of my own children and helped with 2 grandchildren, and haven't had any problem.(They are usually done in 3 days) The best way is to take about 3 days to spend just focusing on potty training(Stay at home time). I first tried with their training pants on (NOT PULL-UPS) (these are just glorified diapers and the child is use to going in his diaper), and just watching and catching them when you see they need to go, and praising when the go in the pot, if after a couple of days they show no interest in trying, I remove their pants and they go naked, even if you have to clean up a few messes with her help of course, they get use to going with out the feel of a diaper on them. Its just like us it is hard to just stand and pee in your pants because that is foreign to us. So you are training them to get use to not going in a diaper which they are use to. Then after potty trained during the day, at night I put on a heavier training pants and don't give a bottle or drink right before going to bed, then I get up once during the night to take them and in just a few night, I have a potty trained childed that has gotten lots of praise and sometime a special prize. I hope this will help, I know this is so frustrating to so many parents.
Of course having good discipline habits with your child where they listen and obey your voice really helps when these kinds of training need to take place, good discipline helps through their whole life, they respect you and others when they have respect for their self. Good discipline is the only thing that brings about honor and respect and a desire to please you. May God give you the wisdom you need to accomplish the best for your children.
ps; I can't believe how many parents out there are letting their 2,3,& 4 year olds tell the mom and dad what they will not wear, that was never even an option for my little kids, if I told them to put it on and leave it and then enforce my words, they wore what I told them, choices came later in their life when they were mature enough to make a decision about what was a good thing to wear, and that was still at my discretion, as long as they lived in my home. You better get some respect and honor while there little because as soon as school starts, it gets harder from then on.

I have a very stubborn 4 year old girl too and I just finally got her to start wearing underwear at night so I feel your pain. You have to remember that you are the boss not her and put the underwear or pull-ups on her, she will get used to them. Right now she is comfortable with diapers because that is all she knows and pull-ups and underwear are foriegn to her. Let her come into the bathroom with you and let her see that you don't wear diapers and hopefully she will want to be like Mommy.Good Luck!