Potty Training a 4 Year Old Boy

K.,

You could be talking about MY 4 1/2 year old. I recently posted a similar problem, "More Potty Training Woes" and have gotten some great advice from the other moms. There are currently 58 replies to my post.

What is working for me right now is 1) put him in underwear, 2) have a calendar where he can see the sad faces for a day with 1 (or more) accidents/happy faces for clean/dry days, 3)he's not allowed on the furniture until he can go 10 days clean and dry, 4) any accident he has he has to clean it up in the coldest water I can make come out of the tap (he hates the cold water the most), 5) he can squat on the toilet to make sure the monsters in the toilet don't get him, 6) we cheer and clap for him when he goes potty, 7) about 30 minutes after he has a meal we encourage him to try and go potty.

We have been using these steps for 7 days now, and he has been nearly accident free for 2 days. Usually towards bedtime is when he's had his accident. He's really proud of himself, and super disappointed when he does have the accident. Every night we tell him that we have confidence that he'll get that smiley face and sticker tomorrow.

Hope this helps,
M.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello- I was just wondering if you had tried putting him in big boy underware. I have a three year old and had tried potty training when he was 2 1/2 with his diapers and no underware and it didn't work. After the holidays we tried again with just underware during to day and its a huge difference. He still has some accidents, but he is much more wanting to go in the potty because he doesn't like being all wet and doesn't like the feeling of the poo in his pants. Just an idea. Good luck, I know if can be frustrating at times. B.

Our pediatrician gave us some great advice when our daughter was having trouble potty training. She said that she had moved into "potty resistance", which requires a different strategy than potty training. Rather than give constant reminders, we sat down with her one time and told her that she was now responsible for her own body. She knew when she had to poop and pee, and it would be up to her to go to the bathroom, or tell an adult who can help her get to the bathroom. Then we set up a potty chart, and she got to put one sticker on a square every time she attempted to go, and two stickers every time she put poop and pee into the potty. When she landed on a colored square (every 5 or 6 squares), she got to pick a small toy from a bag (e.g. match box cars, crayons, a pinwheel). Then we tried not to mention it again (which was actually a little challenging). She had a reward system, and the responsibility was now on her. She chose whether to wear a diaper or big kid underwear. The rewards were certainly important, but I think being treated like a big kid who was responsible for herself was what tipped the scale . . .within a day or two, she was going potty almost all the time on her own, and choosing to wear underwear. Whatever you end up doing, know that he will eventually be potty trained . . .

Good luck!

Hi - I think all the ideas that you have gotten are great, and there is something that will work..
But I think you should take a look at what is happening in the home. If you are getting a divorce right now, this is obviously a hard time for all. The potty training and the refusal could be a reaction to what is going on. Kids can pick up on things you would never imagine they could. I am sure none of what I am saying is new but if you haven't, talk to him about what is going on. He is getting a lot of attention by refusing to go potty, and maybe that is what he is needing right now, attention from you.
Just some thoughts...good luck with everything! It will work out!

K., potty training is not always as easy as we wouild like it to be . Some of his problem may be the seperation of family. This isnt easy for adults let alone kids.
You can try to make it a game toss some cherrieos in the toilet get him a little step stool and he can try to sink the cherrieos, have some fruit snacks on hand and if he uses the potty give him a treat and maybe find some charictor big boy underwear that he likes and let him know that when he can use the potty like a big boy he can wear them . Talk about the big boy underwear tell him how good they will look on him.. Maybe if dad has him for visits he can use the cherrieos and take him potty with him and sink the cherieos so he can see what he can do when dad hits cherrioes he needs to be celebrating each "hit".. I had 3 boys and this worked well with them,you may also want to plan something special for him one day at a time . When he uses the potty give him some special time witr just mom or just dad.. You can read him his favorite story, sit ob the floor and play cars with him . Fix his favorite food for dinner when he can go 1 day with out accidents. Good luck !
Sweetiedapie

My mother was divorcing my father when I was 1 1/2, but was finalized by 3yrs old, and so I asked her what she did. She told me that she would make me go to the potty. I didn't get the choice.

I used a product called flip 'n flush with our youngest (he's not 11 yrs old) http://www.flipnflush.com/ He was 2 yrs at the time had a hard time with the 'poo'. So this helped. I SWEAR that with in 1 week he stopped having problems in his training pants & moved into big boy pants (by 2y 1 month no more accidents). LOVED IT! I HIGHLY recommend it. I did have one lady in a MOMS group that I was in that made her son sit on the potty until he went, then he was rewarded with playing with his favorite toy or going to the park. The child is now 11 (same age as our son) and is well adjusted. Tell him that it's important that he helps you out to go potty in the toilet. That helped her out.

I would HIGHLY recommend that you ask his incoming teacher he would have in kindergarten as some teachers will sometimes ask how long has the child been potty trained. I had a neighbor who's son was not potty trained by 4 and they didn't accept him into the school until he had 1 1/2 years of no accidents.

I see that would play WOW. I wonder if you have been to Shatteredcrystal.com?

Hi there,
I'm a grandmother of 7 children and had five of my own. Here is a trick you may or may not want to try. It certainly worked for one of my boys and one of my grandson's, and quickly. My son was like yours, wanted nothing to do with the toilet or potty chair. I was at the end of my rope and desperate, and followed a neighbors advice. I got a empty 1 lb. coffee can and set it beside the toilet. Whenever my son needed to go potty, I would let him pee in that (they love the sound) and then after a lot of praise, he could pour it into the toilet, and flush. After only a couple of weeks I was able to convince him that he was such a big boy, that he didn't need to use the "baby can" any longer, and at that point he took to using the toilet, and the potty chair with no problem. It didn't help with the BM's that first two weeks, but once he was using the toilet for peeing, the other came naturally too. Hope this helps...it's worth a try.

Every child is different. I thought I had seen it all, being a nanny for 6 years before having kids of my own, so when it came time for my oldest to learn how to use the potty I was completely overconfident and he was so different from the other boys I had taught. You've probably heard it all, but the ideas that I like the best are:
Rewards (a sticker or small treat) for just sitting on the potty at first
Set a timer so that they are trying at set, consistent intervals (watches with timers are cool too!)
Praise, lots of praise, and no negetivity
The biggest thing to remember is to be consistent and don't get discouraged.
Cool underwear that he can see but can't have until he goes could also help (bribery can sometimes be a good thing)
Good Luck. And if you've already heard all this I apologize, I know that can be frustrating. Hang in there.

Hi, K. ! As a mother of 6 adult children, and several grandchildren, and babysitter of several other children over the years, I found that bribery works ! I potty trained a 4 year old by giving him m&m`s candy.After going potty, I would give him 1; if he had a BM, I would give him 2 !! This candy was ONLY for potty training! I also would praise him ! "yay, you did it ! I knew you could that means you`re getting to be a big kid. Big kids get to do more things, have more fun !"
This has worked for me many times; I hop it will for you too !
C.

Hi K.,
I had this same problem with my now 5 year old son. I finally adopted a reward method. I went to the dollar store and got a bunch of stickers and smaller treats and got a basket. I labeled it the potty basket. Everytime he went potty, he had to show me before flushing and then he would get to pick a treat out of the potty basket. He was so stubborn I didn't get him potty trained til he was 4 1/2! The method I adopted worked wonders for me and in about a months time....he was completely potty trained. I think he thought that as long as I had to change his pull ups....he was still my baby. I encouraged him alot that being a big boy was even better and that also helped. Best of luck to you! I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Take him to chiropractor & urologist to check if anything could be physical cause.

Go camping & let him experience joy of peeing outside (great fun for young boys, especially if they have dad or uncle to bond with.)

I would check out 3daypottytraining.com This system worked for us. You buy a $25.00 e-book, but it was better than buying more diapers. The author will send you email help when you need it, and you can ask all the questions you want. Our son was 3 when he potty trained. Check it out.

Get the book "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day". I used it on my two year old, and it works. It's on amazon.com, and it works if you do ALL the steps. The researchers who tested it on all ranges of young children had 100% results.

My son wasn't potty trained until he was 4. What I had to do was take hime in every 20 minutes. I tried every hour, but he would pee in his diaper before the hour. So for about 2 days we went in every 20 minutes and I finally caught it enough times to get him going.

When my youngest daughter was 4 she would not poop into the toilet. She would hold it until it was firm and difficult to pass. I finally told my three other children that whoever could get her to poop into the toilet would get M&M's. AND she would get some too. I have heard that it is not good to bribe children with food, but we were at the end of our rope. Amazingly enough, all of my other children lined up and would take turns begging her to "go". It only took once and she was ready. That was 4 years ago and I haven't seen any damage from the bribing thing and it actually worked very quickly. Good luck.

have you tried putting him on the toilet backwards. that why he has his privocy and not the fear of peeing over the top of the lid.
i did that with my son from advise from his grandma.
good luck

Hi K.,

Have you tried just not attending to potty training for a couple of weeks?

You might also try cloth if you're not already, so he'll feel when he wets, and heck, he may be one of the kiddos that need to just be put in underoos and feel wet pants, socks, shoes before he realizes he is really wet. It's horrible for you "the cleaner," but he may benefit.

You could also ask his ped to do a couple of tests to look at his bladder function/control. He may not have it yet.

Good Luck!!!

Have you tried "sinking the toilet paper?" Where you take a square of tp and put it in the toilet and it floats and tell him to aim and sink it? That's a fun one that boys like to do. Also a reward system works well too. You find something he really likes, my son liked Thomas stickers, so every time he went he got a Thomas sticker. You can just give it to him or put it on a chart and once he gets so many then you take him to get a new toy, or to the park, or bowling or something like that. I can't stress enough how important consistancy is. Sometimes setting a timer for every 30-45 minutes and making him go every time the timer goes off can be helpful. I know that having other children makes it harder, but consistancy is key and it will help your other children learn too and they will pick up on it when it's time for them to learn how to go potty too. I hope this helps and I wish you luck,
W.

throw cheerieos or fruit loops in the toilet for him to aim at my boys loved it

I had a similar problem with my daughter. I just reverted back to diapers/pull ups and didnt mention the potty again. Within 3 weeks she was asking to use the potty. She straightened herself right out. I would just go back to pull ups and leave it alone, especially if you are going thru changes in your families life. As my Dr. told me. Your child is not going to be CEO of a company or Pres. of America and still wearing a diaper. It will all work out in the end. Good luck to you.

I am a Master's student in Clinical Psychology and your words struck a chord with me. Especially the part of divorce. It sounds like this is an emotional issue with your son not a "potty training" issue. ometimes kids find one thing in their environment they can control and will not budge on it. Sometimes its sleeping sometimes its eating and in your son's case it's sounds like it's using the bathroom. I would suggest getting some counseling for him/you...your peditrician should have referrals.
If you are not willing to do that try and find ways he can control his own environment and work on what he is really feeling. He is 4 so that part is good because of the increased language ability. Remember that to a 4 year old the world is ver "black and white" he doesn't undersatnd the "in-betweens" yet and everything is very litaral. Takke care.

Great Out door game. Have the boys run around without any thing on. Give them LOTS of liquid to drink. Have a small plastic swimming pool full of water with small floating toys. Tell them to try to hit the floating toys with their pee. It is a game. Drink water, hit the toys! Later you can move the game to the toilet with Cheerios floating. (It will make the brain connection between drinking liquid, the sensation of having to go, and getting to a place where they want the pee to go.)

Hi!
You sound like you have a lot on your plate.You may have to let it go for awhile.I know that is hard to do.I'm sure I am not the first one to tell you this.Get through your divorce first.He will come around.It sounds like this little guy may be feeling that going to the potty or not going to the potty is the one thing he can control.Good luck!Don't forget to take time for yourself.It really helps.

P. C.
(Mom of two boys 7& 5)

Have you tried presenting a new potty(one he hasn't seen before) and telling him that you don't want him to use it. Maybe tell him you bought it for his siblings and he can't use it. One mom I know tried that for her kids and of course the boys both snuck in to use that potty. They were potty trained in weeks. Also one mom told me not to worry about it. If he's not going he may just not feel ready.

first, I know how frustrating this is. hang in there!
don't know if you've tried this, but it worked with my son. the 2 girls were easy to train, the boy, oh yeah same story. i put a sealed bowl of his favorite munchies, (raisins) on the top of the bathroom cabinet. if he used the pottie, he got a handfull of the raisins. sounds simple, and it took a few times, and within no time he would almost want to have to go, to get those goodies. that may go against all the modern methods, but hey, it worked!

Invite another child of the same age to a play date and encourage the boys to "pee" together. I know this sounds strange, but it worked for our neighbor's son when we went to their house last summer (our boys are both 5).

Do you have him in underwear, or in pull ups? What worked great for my kids...although they were 2 when they potty trained, is that we put underwear on and THEN the pull-ups. This way, when they peed, it would be really uncomfortable, but the pee wouldn't ruin our furniture or car, and I wouldn't constantly be doing laundry.

HI K.,
I am not sure if I have the answer, but I feel for you. I know that children are sensitive to everything around them. He may have some issues about what is going on in his surroundings. Can you talk with him? I have a daughter that is 4 with autism and she will not poop on the potty. She is constantly ask her is she wants to poop on the potty and she is always saying no. I do know that kids do things on there own time too. I too would press the doctor for more on what might be going on. Dr.s also need some pushes to get them to do more research on certain areas that they don't know answers too. We are our childrens advocates and I think there are answers around, but sometimes when doctors don't know the answers they just brush it off. I have a great dr. for my daughter and is I find any new research on autism she is the first person I call to see what else she will find out. I hope this helps. Just know you are not alone. I do know that my daughter would not train in pull-ups either. It had to be big girl panties because she did not understand the difference between those and diapers. Also, my girl would only go on the normal big potty because that is what everyone else does
B.

Try a peter potty toddler urinal or pee targets in the toilet to add extra fun! Standing to pee (like Daddy does) is so much more fun than sitting where he can't see anything. If he has an older brother, allow him to watch him go potty, and ask his dad to let him watch him too. I know that it is SUPER uncomfortable for most men to let their son watch them pee while seeing everything, but most boys want to be just like Daddy and need to see it to understand how it works.

This may sound crazy too, but if you ever go out into the woods for camping or hiking, letting him pee on a tree is another fun way to get him to go. My nephew started by peeing on trees in the backyard while playing outside.

If you leave your son naked, he will be much more likely to go in the potty than on the floor. If he does go on the floor, be sad that the carpet is all wet, and ask him to help you clean it up. You may even need to keep a potty in the playroom or living room so he doesn't really need to stop playing to go.

I was a firm believer that you shouldn't force your child to start using the potty that when they are ready and interested they will let you know..I still believe that however my oldest, 5 who was potty trained fully by 3 would refuse to go poop in the toilet he would go pee then come out and poop in his pants. I was going crazy because he had just gone to the bathroom...so here is the advice that I received from my doc that worked wonders. I wouldn't use pull ups they are just another diaper in my opinion telling your child they can still go in their pants. I used training underwear that were just a much thicker pair of cotton undies, so that when he went he felt it right away and had to change his pants. Also when he would poop in his pants the doc said that I should hold him responsible for cleaning up his mess so together we would go to the bathroom and take his underwear off and swish the undies in the toilet to get the poop out and then rinse the undies in the sink. At first I was skeptical about this but he was done pooping or peeing in his undies after 2 weeks of cleaning up after himself! Hope this helped and good luck!

My oldest was a later trainer but I didnt even try to do it until he was almost 4 because of his personality. Turns out he has Aspergers syndrome which is a high funtioning form of autism. But what finally worked is i took a few days off work and just had him go totally bottomless. No undies or diaper. I also bribed him with candy the first couple of days. It didnt take long to get him running to the potty because he had to go. I also was firm, not mean or yelling but I let him know in no uncertain terms before the rewards he was going to use the potty. thats all I had to do to get him to do it the first time and the rest is history.
My youngest on the other hand was harder to manage because I was going through a divorce also and he was not getting any consitancy. I made a big deal about getting cool buzz light year big boy underwear at the disney store for him when he did his first number 2 in the potty. he took alot longer but his problem is that he just wont stop playing to go. He still is running in at the last minute to go but at 8 he is well trained and has been for along time.Some boys just take longer but you need to be patient and firm.
Hope it helps
J.

Have you ever tried using a potty video or a potty training doll? Treats/rewards? Start with rewarding for even just sitting on the potty or trying? The reward has to be something he likes - small piece of candy, stickers, etc.

I trained my two year old using The Potty Movie, the matching book and a doll that came with the set (there are others out there too). We used treats to reward just for sitting on the potty chair at first. Then when gradually switched to only when he went. And finally it became a non-event.

I talked to many friends with boys and got the same advice from just about everyone. You have to devote at least 3 to 4 days to this particular process and be prepared to stay home! Put the potty chair in the middle of the living room or the common area where you spend most of your time. One friend suggested putting a rug with a rubber backing underneath to catch any accidents or a plastic table cloth. Start talking about using the potty the week before. Talk about being a big boy, etc. Have the potty chair out there, part of the normal environment.

Then on the morning you are going to start, take his pants off. He doesn't get pants during the day. Then when he goes, he knowes it! Start by sitting him on the potty in regular intervals for set amounts of time. If he goes, he gets a reward. Play the potty video. Make it fun! The only time he puts pants on is when he goes to bed. We bought different pullups to make a distinction between "diapers-baby" and "night pants-big boy". We call them night pants. we had a few accidents, but gradually he decided the potty was a good thing and it worked! But you do have to devote some time to this. It doesn't happen over night. We made a BIG deal when he went and made him feel good about himself. I think this is important. And the video was so helpful at keeping him sitting there and trying.

Good luck!

K.,

I think Sharon G had the most relevant advice for your situation. My Daughter was 2 1/2 when her dad and I seperated. We had started her potty training before then and she had been having some success but then reverted in a big way when he moved out. Changes can be very hard on kids. It causes them stress no matter if the change is good or bad. This is a very stressful time in his life as well as yours (even if the divorce is amicable). This is one thing he has absolute control over (and also what/how he choses to eat-or not eat). My daughter also stopped speaking more than one or two words at a time during our family transition. If you follow Sharons advice (tell him it is his body and therefore entirely up to him, set up the sticker chart/reward system and then leave it entirely up to him) he will feel like he is still in total control. Also, make him aware of when you are "using the potty" as part of your routine. Another thing: if you are still changing his daipers for him, that may be a special one-on-one time with you that he is holding on to during this stressful time. Try setting up some other one-on-one activity to supplement so he doesn't feel he is losing that time that he needs right now. Your baby boy is holding onto this for his own reasons but I have never known of a child who reaches Kindergarten without making this transition. Hang in there, Honey. You and your babies will get through this one day at a time.

We had our 3 year old girl just potty trained overnight. She even gets up during the night and will ONLY wear underwear. Prior to this I could tell that she had fears about it so I never forced it. We bought the book "My Big Girl(Boy)Potty" by Joanna Cole. At first she wanted nothing to do with it, but I read it to her anyway and even used her name in it. I would lay it by her bed just to see what she would do with it. She fell asleep looking at the pictures during nap time. At dinner time my husband and I would talk about what a big girl her neice is for going potty and she would over hear it. We tried the sticker idea too. I believe indirectly talking about it really made the difference. I would even talk about it with people on the phone knowing my daughter was listening. As hard as it is, be patient and just keep addressing it in a fearless way. Good Luck!

My son loved to pee outside. Just to get him in the habit of telling us he had to go, we would let him do this. We live way off the road and have alot of privacy on our property so for us this worked. Once he had the idea down we put him in underware. He went through a phase of being "lazy" and just thinking it was easier to pee where he was and have me clean it up. Once I caught on I would make him clean up after he had a "lazy" accident; change his own clothes, wipe himself up, wipe up the floor (which you will have to ultimatly reclean) but that way he had to start taking some responsibility for the situation. It worked pretty quickly.
Good Luck

I know how you feel. I have 2 kids and I was going through a divorce when I had to train my oldest to use the potty. I didn't get her trained tell she was almost 4 years old. I use m&m with her. I told her everytime you sit or go potty she would get an m&m and it seem to work. Maybe that will help. Use his favorite food or even put his favorite toy on the potty. My daughter had to have her dall with her everytime she went

It may help for your son to be around other boys near his age that are potty trained, where they can go to the bathroom together. For example, when my youngest son was potty training, we went on a road trip, and he was so excited to go potty with his older brother and Dad every time we made a "pit stop".

There are also products out there where the boys can "aim" at flushable toilet toys... something to make it a game at first.

When I started potty training with my son I went to the library and got him a potty training dvd, in which he loved and watched over and over.I dd not preasure him but only encouraged him and it seamed as thogh it happened overnight.Your son could just be regressing because of the divorce in which case all you can do is constantly reinforce your love for him and be patient.Good luck
J.

I had trouble with this and I have 5 boys try droping some froot loops in the toilet and make a game of sinking them the only problem I had after that was getting them to stop. lol E.