Potty Training a 4 Year Old

Give her and you a break. I recommend putting the pull ups in the bathroom. She can go in there, put a pull up on, go, take it off and get back in panties. it's a good step to stopping what you are doing to go potty, but puts some responsibility on her, and gets her used to identifying the feeling and stopping what she's doing. She has to stay in the bathroom while she goes,but she can wear the pull up. then have her sit on the potty with the pull up on to go, then have the "magic pullup" with a hole cut out of the bottom so it goes right into the toilet. Hope that works for you. good luck.

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Hey J.,

I have gone through the SAME thing with my 4 (almost 5 yr. old daughter). I never worried about training because she had an older sister and I thought it would happen by itself, but then it became a MAJOR power struggle.I've gone back and forth with being forceful (no pull-ups) and giving in. My daughter would do the same thing-hold it all day and not drink until she could have a pull up at bedtime. If I didn't give her a pull-up and she had to go, she would just have an accident. So I finally called the doctor and here's the plan, crazy I know, that we came up with. Step 1. She was allowed to wear pull-ups but all peeing and pooping had to happen in the bathroom. So she wears panties and I keep pull-ups in the bathroom and when she has to go she goes in like everyone else, puts on a pull-up, goes, and then takes it off. Step 2. She still wears pull-ups, but has to sit on the toilet when she goes. No problems, that's where we are now. Step 3. (which I swore I wouldn't do), cut a hole in the pull-up and have them go on the toilet. (We're just about to try it). Step 4. They should go on the toilet on their own. So far everything has worked. I really think it's a security thing--like a blanket, etc. that they don't want to give up. Don't worry about what anyone says. If they don't have better things to worry about, than you shouldn't care what they think. No matter what, your daughter will eventually go on the potty, so don't stress more than you have to. There will be plenty of other, bigger things we'll have to deal with in their lives. Hang in there and I hope it helps!!! L.

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Ok. Here it is. I have to say, that she is doing this cause she knows your she can! It is frustrating. Her delay is magnified by your own discouragement. She will do it, but it is going to take more from you. Patience that is. As hard as it is...deemphasize the enitre potty issue. She knows what you are thinking, even when you are not speaking. You are actually inviting the power struggle by telling her over and over again. Meanwhile, when she needs changed, show her how to clean himself. Express your confidence that she will indeed someday use the potty. She, too, needs encouragement. Detach yourself emotionally from the potty training issue. If you detach yourself, the progress will move more quickly.Explain that going potty is what big girls do, and you know she wants to be a big girl... that way there is no rebeling against you. Do not take her toys away, ground her ...nothing....this is not about behavior...this is about control. Keep your expectations reasonable. Pressure to use the potty will only make you both crazy frustrated. She is 4 years...we are not talking about a 2 or 3 year old that does not comprehend the ptty just yet. She knows how to do it! She does. If you take her pull ups to the build a bear, and "trade" them for a bear stuffed....explain that this bear is potty trained....when you get home...tell her that she needs to go potty so her bear can be happy for her. Make it about her and her bear or whichever item she chooses. Tell her to go potty for her bear. She will have accidents, but it is learning. Accidents are ok! Do not scold her! Help her learn to clean herself up from going to the bathroom. Once she feels that wetness on her pants, and panites...she will realize that is does not feel very good, and she will want to remain dry. I wish you luck, and I give you strength.

I've heard from others who traumatic the kidney reflux can be for kids. I'm sorry your daughter has to go through that. We just recently finished daytime training our daughter. She turned 4 in August. She also wanted nothing to do with the potty for a long time. It really freaked her out the first time she pooped in it (around 2 1/2) and training came to a halt. She finally warmed up to potty training about 6 months ago and had been making progress but she wasn't totally committed to it. Here is what we did (mostly in the past 2 months) to finish the job.

First, I made a rule that she needed to go potty first thing when she wakes up in the morning, before lunch, before nap, after nap, etc. I thought if she can associate the potty with more concrete times in the daily schedule that might help her expect when to go potty.

When she threw tantrums about being on the potty I started to give her options to give her a little control. For exmaple, I would allow her to pick whether she would use the potty immediately upon waking in the morning or immediately after breakfast (20-30 minutes after waking). Doing that did away with the power struggles and tantrums.

Then I told her that I talked to her teacher and she said we need to practice some things at home before school starts, including using the potty. This is her first school experience and she is excited to be going, so she is eager to please.

We continued with giving her candy for sitting on or peeing in the potty (small candy) but bumped up the ante for pooping in the potty (a small toy/book from a prize box). We have had no tears or tantrums in the past 2 months and only 2 or 3 accidents.

Best wishes to you!

ADDED: I was just talking with my SIL and was reminded of something. Both of our girls don't like a lot of praise after they go potty. Before going into the bathroom my niece tells my SIL, "Don't be happy, Mom" and my daughter says to me, "Don't clap or say 'yea'." A wink or hug is more to their liking.

I would call your doctor and ask for sure if there's no reason why she should not be potty trained. If the doc says there's not reason why she cannot potty train, besides she doesn't want to, then go full force with potty training.

Do not give in. You are the parent. You are the one in charge. Explain to her what's going to happen and why. She's a big girl and she needs to use a potty like a big girl like other girls her age. She cannot go to preschool or kindergarten if she's not potty trained. Try rewards for every time she goes in the potty. I know the first step is the hardest but she is in a fixed routine now and won't change without something drastic. I would say to punish her for wetting, as in putting her in time out or taking a favorite toy away. She's more than old enough to understand what you're saying. She's making a choice to hold it and wet herself. Let her know that good behavior gets rewarded and poor behavior gets punishment, just like with anything else. She should not be allowed in the hot tub at all until she's trained. And don't put her in a pull up at night. She can obviously hold her urine for hours at a time. Be sure to use waterproof mattress pads.

Start by setting her on the potty every 20 minutes. If she goes, she gets an M&M or Skittle. If not, wait another 20 minutes and try again. If she wets, have her clean up the mess by rinsing her panties and hanging them up, washing her hands afterward. Have her help clean the floor by spraying the tile/wood floor and using a paper towel. On carpet, use pet urine cleaning spray and soak it up. Wash hands afterward. It'll teach responsibility.

Just get rid of all pull ups and go cold turkey, even in public. She'll have no choice. As soon as she goes that first time it'll be easy after that!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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first of all, i doubt everyone is talking about you! and if they are, I would find new friends!

anyway, have you tried a sticker chart? I made one for my 4 year old to get her to stop biting her nails, and it worked better than I could have ever imagined!

it's easy for me to say since I'm not in your position, but I think I would tell her "pull ups are all gone!", and that she has to use the potty before she can go in the hot tub (no more swim diapers, and honestly they don't hold anything in anyway) otherwise she can't swim in there! maybe that will be an incentive!

I've heard that you should make her clean the mess up, like when she asks for a pull up and wets her pants if you don't give it to her.

also, you might be able to do one of those things like people do for binkies... like a pull-up fairy... send the pull ups to babies who need them.

I hope this helps! she's going to end up with a UTI if she doesn't stop holding it so long!!! Good luck!

do you have a potty chair or the thing that goes on the toilet?

if you have a potty chair, maybe try putting the pullup IN the potty cup and let her pee ON it.

idk if it will work, but its what came to mind when I read your post.

Everyone says to be totally positive and always let the child tell you when they're ready blah blah. This doesnt' work for everyone. Some kids will literally wait forever if you let them. I was patient and positive with my daughter for a whole year of pee all over the house. Finally her dad took over and got more firm with her when it was definite that she understood what to do and just didn't feel like it. She caught on right away when he laid down the law. At 4 you've been patient long enough, be firm, don't give in!

If she has the bladder control to hold it ALL DAY, then there is no medical reason that she can't be potty trained.
There is a website you could goggle, Potty training in one day. The concepts are fabulous. and you wouldn't need to by the information or extras,
after age 3, Potty training has a ton more to do with what the parent does than the child being ready. I'm not saying that critically, but to give you hope that You can help her get this. I would totally back off for 40 days, give her a whole month of diapers- ( is she in preschool wearing pullups?) Then, when you can, spend at least 3 days straight at home with her working on this, A week would be even better.
Gather up a bunch of potty training books and movies,
Tell her calmly that you are going to help her learn to use the potty like all her big kid friends, and like mommy and daddy and auntie and grandma, Barbie, Dora, Strawberry short cake etc.
Give her tons and tons and tons of her favorite liquids. Remind her to drink if she gets busy playing.
tell her that you will be taking her potty every 20 mins and she gets a prize ( I would step it up from just stickers and m & m's to something pretty impressive for her) just for sitting. SHe DOES NOT HAVe TO pee, but she does have to sit there while you read her 2 story books or sing 4 songs with her(The goal would be sitting for 30 secs, then increasing it just a second or two each time no more than 2 1/2 mins unless she is happy).
read the books, then let her go play, give her lots of drinks and in 20 mins bring her back to the potty and do it all over again. if she screams calmly carry her to the potty and sit her on it--you are the adult and she needs to listen. AFter 30 seconds or 2 mins what ever you did the last time, let her go and give her lots to drink and bring her back in 20
Eventually she will Pee and then you need to pull out the Balloons and Streamers and cracker jacks and the marching band and call daddy and everyone you know, Call Dora or Hannah Montana and tell them the good news. Praise Praise praise, reward reward reward.
then give her lots to drink, and bring her back in 20 mins,praise her praise her praise her for sitting Do this all day and the next day and the day after that and she will have it.
At some point she will balk, and probably have an accident, calmly give her a towel and make her clean it up (of course you would really clean it up but she at least has to think she is responsible for cleaning it up) then make her put the soiled clothes in the hamper, get new undies and get dressed, Then offer her more to drink and repeat. You can't get angry though, that just sets everyone back and the whole thing takes longer. Find someone to support you on this and take turns spelling each other, but you both have to be consistent.
I did this with my daughter at 18 mons and she got it in 2 days.
A few cute thing you can do is have her dolly go pee, slight of hand pour a little food colored water in the potty
Blowing bubbles often helps them relax their muscles so that is a fun thing to do while sitting on the potty. Maybe blow on a pin wheel, anything fun and distracting.
But once you start you have to be consistent about taking her every 20 mins. Ands she will regress and have accidents but you stay consistent and don't ever go back to the pull ups. For this to really work you just have to basically stay home for a few days and work on it. With youonger kids i would let them do pull ups at night but if she can hold it that long during the day she could easily flip that schedule around and hold it at night, Get plastic sheet covers, and prepare to do a lot of laundry, have several clean sheets and jammies ready to go, and i would go so far as to wake her up every hour and set her on the potty. I think if you put her in pull ups at night, she will just continue to do what she is already doing, and that isn't good.
Almost forgot, Kmart sells the plastic underpants made by Gerber, they are great, the child feels wet but usually the plastic outer part protects clothes and furniture. Those i might use at night. but i would still wake her up.
Good Luck, and let the pressure off yourself, sometimes we just get in bad cycles with our kids and if You are committed you can break them, what is happeing now is working for your daughter so why would she want to change it. You have to be the one to help her.
Plan a HUGE treat for yourself when this is over because it is hard work.
Let us know how it goes.

She is able to hold her urine all day?! I would definitely talk to your doctor about how to handle this because the kidney reflux is a serious issue and she could be making it worse by holding her urine. Sounds like your doc needs to have a very serious discussion with you both and give some suggestions. And I agree, no hot tub until all of this is resolved. Best of luck to you, sounds like you are a very loving mommy with a difficult issue. Hang in there!

Have you tried giving her small rewards if she uses the potty? That worked very well for my daughter and she was fully trained at 2 1/2. Try finding something small that your daughter likes and giving her that as a reward every time she uses the big potty.

Also, is she afraid to sit on the regular toilet? I started my daughter on the portable toilets that you can put anywhere. Maybe, if you have a toilet where she can put it where she feels comfortable going on it, that could help. Maybe she can find her special spot where she feels comfortable using the toilet. Eventually, then you can transition to the toilet in the bathroom.

Ditto on the sticker chart! it sounds so stupid but a combination of a sticker chart and M & M's worked for us very quickly!