Potty Training 4 Year Old Son

Maybe he's just a little behind in the connecting the full sensation with the toilet.

It was always my opinion that diapers were to stop from having to clean carpets, shoes and upholstery, so there is no reason I can see not to use diapers until the potty habit has completely taken hold. Being completely lazy, I'd always prefer to wash a load of diapers a week than clean a carpet once.

He will grow out of it. It just may take him longer than you expect.

B.,

You might want to try a timer. Set it for 15 or 30 minutes and every time it goes off during the day tell him it is time to go potty. If he complains tell him that since he doesn't do it himself you need to do it this way until he goes on his own and doesn't make any more messes.

After a few days of having to interrupt his play, videos, etc he will probably take over on his own.

At the same time I would institute the other suggestions as well. Cleaning up his own messes, carrying around diapers and cleaning supplies, etc.

Good luck.

Hi B.,
I agree with most of the other responses. I think you should try punishing him. Your son is nearly four and a half years old. He is not a baby or a toddler. He knows better. When he goes in his underwear, I would start taking toys and privileges away and stand firm. I would also make him assist you in cleaning up his messes. Once he realizes that you're not messing around, he will begin to cooperate. He will be very bored without toys, books, tv, video games, bikes, etc. I understand your frustration. I am currently training my three and a half year old. Best of luck to you!

B.,

I feel your pain. First I would suggest that you tell him when to go to the bathroom not ask him if he needs to go. My husband pointed out to me that I don't want to ask a question that gives them the opportunity to say NO.

Unfortunately, some kids are late potty trainers. Is he going to Preschool soon? I would strongly suggest it as the peer pressure would soon resolve this issue because he wants to be like the other children.

My brother(now 39) and nephew (now 10) would poop in their pants when they were 4-6 years old because they were too "busy" playing and didn't want to take the time to go to the bathroom. They did eventually stop.

My last resort for my daughter was a reward system of if she had an accident at daycare she had to wear pants to school the following day. If she went without an accident she got to wear a dress. This, finally, made her care if she went accident free. Now, I know you're not going to put your son in a dress but a similiar reward system may work. Our pediatrician recommended purchasing a toy that she could only play with when she was on the potty. It was a bride barbie doll and my daughter referred to it as the "potty princess".

Good luck and hang in there. We, as mothers, try everything we can possibly think of just to get them trained.

C.

I would say that if you have tried rewards you should try taking things away. I've always believed that with each kid you have to find what motivates them and then slowly take away what matters until they comply. Because you are right, a four-year-old is too big to be in diapers. My first two were potty trained at 2 yrs, 2 mos., and now my third just turned three and sounds an awful lot like your little guy (so that worries me!). I'm anxious to see the other responses.

My son tried to pull that as well. So, I got fed up, and told him if he peed/pooped in his underwear, he would loose all his "stuff". Meaning, no TV, no games, etc. It worked like a charm. Whatever your son's favorite thing is, take it away for a set ammount of time everytime he has an "accident". I hope that helps. I know how irritating that is.

Hi B.,
Does he get the floor dirty? I would have him start helping clean up the mess that he makes. Maybe if he has to stop playing and help clean it might make him think twice about going potty. I don't know if it will help but maybe. Good luck.
Chris

I agree with the woman who said he should have to clean up his own mess. Make him clean the floor or chair, but also show him the basics of starting the washing machine. My son was VERY un motivated as well, and when I told him that he had to load the washer and, uh oh, that means you have to move whats in the washer to the dryer, and you might as well wash a full load... The first time he said "boy, this is a lot of work!" Once he realized that I was going to expect him to clean it all up and how hard that was, he started really trying to go on the potty. Good luck to you, I know its so frustrating!

I'm not sure I agreed with this, but my friend actually had to punish her son to get him potty trained. He knew when he had to go, was capable of going, but just wouldn't do it. So when he went in his pants, he went to his room, lost a toy, lost a privilege etc. He was trained after this in about 2 weeks.

Good luck-- my 4 year oold wan't trained until about 4.

My now (almost) 8 year old was like this. He was 4.5 and was VERY stubborn in resisting potty use. No physical reason, he just didn't feel like it. No reward system worked. Being gross didn't phase him. We had to resort to A) making him clean up his mess (scrub floors, couches, dirty clothes etc) and B) Taking away piece by piece literally everything from him that he liked or could play with - since it was a "distraction" that made him not want to get up and go potty. He ended up spending his entire day for three days sitting on the bottom step of his grandma's stairway (since he was grounded from everything else, including TV), and that was enough for him. He finally got fed up with sitting there and never had another "accident" again. NOW, he was an extreme case for sure (the other 5, even when they fought me, were never so difficult to potty train) but I do think cleaning up, in addition to any other related "chores" you can think of is a great idea, and where a reward system won't work, explain to your son that it then becomes a "punishment" system, since he is a "big boy" like it or not (none of us get to go backward in time - you can't choose to be 4 and not have any of your mommy responsibilities - Daddy can't choose not to go to work), and there are some things that just have to happen when you are a big boy, like going on the potty. Explain that he needs to take care of his responsibilities as a big boy, even when he doesn't want to, or it becomes your job to find new ways to make him want to. Explain that while growing up brings new responsibilities, it also brings new rewards when we take care of our responsibilities (he can go to school once he's potty trained, and more of his friend's moms might be willing to have him over to play, etc) I agree with your husband that asking him may not be the best idea if he is being defiant, tell him you want him to go in and try. If he resists, tell him that when he refuses to make the decision when to get up and go potty, then it becomes your decision when he goes and how long he stays. Also, I LOVE the backpack idea. For us in the end it was extreme grounding that finally broke our son's resistance. Though it was really tough for us as parents to have to resort to that with a four year old. However, nothing else was working, and four and a half is pretty rediculous - when there is not a physiological reason for it.

Tell him that since he will not decide on his own, then you will decide for him when he needs to go. Tell him it will be a very structured time schedule that he will have to stick to every day. Make it a big deal, like it is a big "system" that he will have to follow. Hopefully, he hates the idea of that and will start going on his own. If not, at least you'll have certain times of the day to tell him to go. Like reverse psych. If he does have to follow a schedule, I'm sure it'll become habit soon enough.

My first son did the exact same thing! It drove me NUTS!!!!! What I ended up doing was buying a small backpack and putting a container of wipes, a diaper and a change of clothes in there and I made him carry it EVERYWHERE. When I say everywhere, I mean everywhere; from one room of the house to another, to the grocery store, to the park, etc. I told my son that mommies of 4 year old aren't supposed to carry a diaper bag, and that it was perfectly fine if he didn't want to use the potty like a big boy, it just meant that he had to carry his own 'little boy' supplies. That lasted all of about 3 days. He got SO sick of carrying the backpack that he walked up to me one morning and said 'I think that I'm gonna use the potty all the time now....I don't like to carry this thing.'

It was just a shot in the dark that seemed to work for us....hope this helps.

Take care and good luck.

My son is 3 1/2 and has been successfully potty trained for the last two months, even though we started at 2 1/2. It was a huge struggle for us. I tried everything: potty charts, candy, large rewards, small rewards, you name it. To be honest, I was very surprised at what finally worked. It sounds to me like your son may have a similar personality thing going. I one day decided that I was very concerned about him staying dry and that I was so concerned that I was constantly reminding him to go, like it was my responsibility for him to stay dry. I realized that he knew how important it was to me, and knew that it wasn't his responsibility, because it was mine (I had taken it on as my responsibility. Finally, I told him that I was going to completely hand over the responsibility to him. I wasn't going to remind him or ask him if he needed to go, and he was in charge. I would make him go each morning before getting him dressed and each night before bed, but that was it. I was very surprised at the result. It honestly took about 2 weeks of cleaning about 4 accidents per day, but finally he realized that I wasn't going to take responsibility anymore. I did make him clean up his accidents as much as he could and made him swish his poopy underwear in the toilet and scrub it out in the sink with soap and water. I found that the key was to be completely non-emotional about it each time he had an accident. This was the hardest part, but the most important part. I would just say casually, "Lets clean it up. I bet that next time you'll make it to the potty." End of story. No asking why or shaming him or making him feel bad, or complaining about cleaning. This reinforced to him, that it really was HIS responsibility and not mine. Now he runs to the potty each time he feels it coming. I have found myself on occasion reminding him too much and to be honest, that is when he starts having accidents again. Good luck!

Sounds mean and it'll take every ounce of determiniation on your part, but I'd let him experience the wet clothes and the uncomfortability of smelly, wet, clothes until he gets it. If he's capable of doing it at a suggestion, capable of changing his clothes, then just wash your hands of it completely. Sure put plastic covering on chairs etc so he experiences also the 'embarassment' of his actions' consequences.
It just sounds more like a behavioral adjustment, really. When he's got a darn good reason then he'll act accordingly. You could merely help the process.
Lots of luck!

Greetings B.,

Here is a suggestion: Get Sesame Street's Elmo's Potty Time DVD and let your son watch it every day and as often as he wants to. It's a wonderful DVD that shows positive potty time experiences and makes using the potty look like BIG fun.
Some children take longer than others to be toilet trained, so just relax he'll get it soon. Cheerfully praise your son every time he uses the potty.

Wishing you much success.
Have a FANTASTIC day!

Love,
S.

My boy will turn 4 in June and we are in the same boat. He is excited when he goes in the potty but really doesn't care if his underwear is dirty or wet or not. He will sit in it all day if you let him. I'm going to try the backpack suggestion. I'm glad to know there are more little boys out there like my son, it makes me feel better. I'm also hoping his little brother will learn much easier (2o months old) but... :)