22 answers

Post-partum Intercourse - I Need Reassurance!

Hi,
(This question got a bit long and out of hand, sorry lol)

I'm 22 years old, I just had my first amazing baby. Vaginally and everything was okay, except she felt the need to have her elbow up near her shoulders, so Mummy got a nice grade (level?) 2 almost 3 tear (incase things are diff in Aus and US, it was quite a large tear, but not including my anus, and only a tiny bit of muscle was torn).

My stiches have healed fine and most of the pain has gone away (baby is 8 weeks old). I have had my doctor check up and been given the green light.

I am so scared. My husband is amazing and understanding. Also a little frustrated, it has been over 2 months, but he knows that if it's rushed or uncomfortable then it wouldn't be worth it.

I'm worried about it hurting and me being put off trying again, even though I know I have to eventually. He works full time, we have his 4yo daughter 3 nights during the week, both our girls sleep in our room, and my 16 yo sister also lives with us.
My doctor suggested making sure all the housework is done, baby is asleep so I'm not thinking about other things, having a bath, having a glass of wine (to take the edge off) and spending LOADS of time on it.
I honestly, don't think we'd have the time I feel I need. I'm so tired when he gets home from work that I doubt I'd even be in the mood.
I feel really bad about it (for him) and I want so badly for it to not be scary and painful and to just jump right back into it!!
Any advice or ideas would be so appreciated.
Thank you in advance, sorry that was such a rant.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

we all feel the same way do it and get it over with buy some k y jeely just in case. Its ok to do it or dr would have said no stop thinking about it so much just do it tonight.

My son also put his arm up, causing 3rd degree tears and many stitches. We first tried at 6 weeks, went very slow, and at the first hint of pain he stopped and we waited a little longer. at 8 weeks we tried again and it was way better. Use lube the first time and have him treat you like a virgin, going very slow until you know all is well.

More Answers

TMI alert.... I had a lot of stitches and we jumped back in at 4weeks post baby. It did not hurt at all, to put your mind at ease.

As for the finding time, get used to it. It is very difficult to find time and energy with little kids running around. But it is very important to make time. As unromantic as it is, I kind of equate it with washing dishes. I would never go days and days without washing dishes so I also do not go days and days without tending to my marriage. I like having a clean kitchen and a happy husband :)

4 moms found this helpful

I too had terrible tearing during my first labor. In fact, it was so bad, that my ob sent me to physical therapy for my lady bits...only in NYC! No, I am not joking! I too took my time jumping between the sheets but the key thing that was stressed to me by my p.t. was to use NON-ALCOHOL based lube. Many brands have alcohol and it will most definitely irritate. Her suggestion was FemGlide and I found it on Drugstore.com Once the time did present itself (and trust me, it will) it was pain-free. Your anxiety will probably do a number on you so just take it slow and keep communicating with your husband. P.S. Now pregnant with my third, enjoy the one and realize that the housework, laundry, etc., take a backseat to the relationship you have with your children and husband. Anyone who judges you for not staying on top of it all clearly has not been a parent or doesn't understand what is important. Be kind to yourself!!!!!

2 moms found this helpful

I can totally sympathize with you! My son was 2 weeks early, but almost 9 lbs and I had a difficult induced labor without pain meds (my choice). My son had his arm wrapped around his head and I too, got an elbow when he crowned!

I had to have an episiotomy which took weeks to heal! I had Mirena put in at 10 weeks after. For those first few weeks, we did a lot of cuddling and manual stimulation, found alternatives to actual intercourse that was satisfying for us both.

My libido really plummeted and continues to fluctuate as I have the Mirena, it's been almost 2 years now. Our son sleeps with us, so that's always been hard to navigate. We kind of have a bedtime routine of everyone bathing, laying down and getting baby to sleep and then we usually get up and go to another room or the floor on a blanket. Honestly, sex is way more work than it used to be, it's hard to be spontaneous and sometimes still, I just hurt or don't want to because I am wiped out!

Give it time and continue to communicate with one another, I think that's the most important thing. Use weekend afternoons when baby naps and maybe kids are busy, sneak off for a quickie (we do this a lot!) You just have to get creative on all aspects, how and where, and sometimes you don't have time for something long and drawn out.

Just ease into it and quiet your mind and be open and communicative always with one another.

Best wishes, it does get better and easier!

2 moms found this helpful

I totally hear you. I had a huge tear with my first and my stitches weren't done so great and I was terrified. Terrified. But a whole other baby later you can see that it has gotten better, as I just posted a question last night about not having enough sex! So there you have it.

I STRONGLY encourage the wine, and don't skimp on the lube either. And let him know that if it hurts, as much as you'd like to keep going, you're going to have to stop. You don't want to get into a negative feedback loop where it hurts, so you don't want to do it, but you feel bad for him, so you do it anyway, so then it hurts, etc. It very well might be uncomfortable the first few times, but it shouldn't hurt. Know your body and know the difference. If it really hurts, talk to your doctor and do not let them give you the old "it just takes practice." It shouldn't hurt.

I wouldn't worry about it being rushed. Think of it as your first time all over again. I don't know about you, but I was so scared my first time I just wanted to get it over with. It's okay if you just want to get this over with too. It's a whole re-learning process.

Finally, don't psych yourself out. If you know now that you won't be in the mood, you sure as heck won't be in the mood. If you spend the day thinking about how you used to be intimate and how nice that will be, odds are the turn on will be a million times easier.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

First let me say congratulations on your sweet new baby girl. :o)
Yes, it does hurt as you work back into it. However, if you go very VERY slowly, with LOTS of lubrication it will be ok. With our first (and after the second, it was actually easier to jump back into the swing of things) it was several attempts. As soon as it hurts, STOP right away. But then try again soon, like in the next day or two. When it hurts stop, but keep trying. It will eventually be ok. I don't know the degree of tearing, but both of my boys were born so quickly (both within 1/2 hr. of getting to hospital) that I didn't have time for pain meds. There were certainly stitches both times and of course I was scared with the second because I knew how it felt with the first. But you say your husband is understanding (as was mine) so he'll likely not want to have you in pain during sex. Keep trying, you'll eventually get there. And don't worry about the "rant". That's what us mommas are here for ;o)

1 mom found this helpful

Quicky hand jobs in the laundry room are marriage savers! It doesn't need to be intercourse in order to have the same effect for him.

You'll be 'ready' when YOU actually WANT it.

Meanwhile, you can keep him happy other ways!!

1 mom found this helpful

we all feel the same way do it and get it over with buy some k y jeely just in case. Its ok to do it or dr would have said no stop thinking about it so much just do it tonight.

I had a similar situation and it is very scary to even think of after having a crazy labor. I do agree that you need to make the time for each other but it's also important that you wait until you are ready. If you are nervous you wont be comfortable and that could do more damage. After having a baby with no sleep during that time it is the last thing I was thinking of.

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