Positive Dicipline

He's just the right age for time out. One minute since he is one. The tough part is, you cannot give in. We use a timeout rug. Everytime my daughter gets up before her time is over, she goes right back and we start over. Don't talk to him until he sits there for one minute and then get down to his level,look him in the eye and ask him to say he's sorry for yelling, screaming, kicking whatever. Tell him you love him, give him a hug and move on. You have to be consistent or you are fighting a losing battle and he thinks he is the boss not you. Good luck!

Have you read Dr. Sears' The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten? It's pretty great so far (I'm in the middle of it). I don't have firsthand experience yet since my daughter is only 9 months, but hopefully the book will give you some ideas.

The only way my kids stopped having a tantrum is I ignored it. I know you don't believe in that, but if you give them ANY kind of attention, that's what they want, and they'll remember that for next time. Under no circumstances should you give them what they want if they are having a tantrum about it. Occasionally I put them in their bedroom to have the tantrum, and I even put those door thingies on the knob so they couldn't get out. Seems cruel, but you gotta do what you gotta do. A lot of discipline seems cruel, but if there's no discipline, they will be monsters when they grow up. My kids are older now and very well adjusted, and good kids (for the most part!).

I don't know where you live but I took parenting classes at the Center for Nonviolent Parenting and Education in the Silverlake neighborhood of Los Angeles. They provide child care during class and the payment is on a sliding scale. No one is turned away for lack of funds. Here is the website http://www.cnvep.org/new/. I am very happy that I took the class, it changed our lives. They also have support groups available. The director is named Ruth Beaglehole. She is awesome and very understanding.

Okay... you need to teach him "baby sign language." Babies/kids learn it very well, and it's not hard. Just look online or get a book on it.

One, this will give him TOOLS to communicate, with you and with each other. This can help ease the frustration that babies/children have, and can ease tantrums. I've done this with both my children, and it is such a good thing.

Two- kids even though this young, need to know that they are understood. Using sign language can help in this way. teach him "functional" signs such as "more", "help", "all done", "hungry", "drink", "eat" etc.

Three, teach him the names/words for emotions, or show him the facial expressions for feelings. (there are picture books on it too). Sure, they aren't old enough to actually say it or know it... but THIS provides a foundation for them LATER, in understanding what they are feeling and needing to express. It helps them in communicating WITH you and in articulating what they are going through. I've done this with both my children... and my girl from a young age, was very articulate at a young age because of it and it made her less frustrated. And now at her current age, she is able to assess what others are saying/feeling by their tone of voice & facial expressions. It has made her "wise" for her age, in social situations.
And when my son is grumpy... I tell him "you're frustrated yes?" and he will nod his head, for example.

But tantrums and what not are normal too. All toddlers do this. The trick is to teach them boundaries, understanding, comfort when needed, and giving them the TOOLS to communicate too. Not just yelling.

Also, at this age, they do NOT have impulse control yet. FULL impulse control is not developed until perhaps 3 years old. Even then, they will do things we don't want. They are just having to learn. It takes a lifetime for our "children" to learn about the world and our "rules" for them.

Also use your voice... modulate it so that it is not yelling back. Many times, teachers will "whisper" to the offending child, kneeling down to their eye level, have the child look at them, then in a whispering voice telling them to "stop" or what not.

Well just some thoughts. Good luck, and all the best,
Susan

My advice, get yourself in a position to handle the stress. An "ugly custody battle" with "no blessing of friends or family" is hard enough but you also have your 1 and 14 year old. It is not about you, it is about them. Your kids are most important. But you are no good to them if you can't handle what is going on around you. Kids are a reflection of their enviroment: (Google Children learn what they live and check out the poem).

K., your situation is what it is. It is not good, it is not bad, it just is. You give it the meaning. And whatever meaning you give it, so will your kids.

First things first, get in control of what you are feeling and doing. You have friends here. You have friends in your neighbourhood, maybe you just haven't met them yet. What are you doing for you to make Kristain happy? How are you "refueling"?

Count your blessings. There are no mistakes in life, just undesired outcomes.

As for the dicipline, there should be no "discipline", just parenting. What happens before he gets to that point of a temper tantrum? What are the signs that you are missing. He is one, you are the adult, you get to choose the tone of the household. Just make a decison right now that you are the mother and that you will raise him to be the best baby possible and then just do it.

There are no answers in books, in movies, in songs or in asking someone else. The only answers that will work for you will be found within your heart. Sit down for a moment and listen to what it is saying to you.

I am here if you need to chat.

B.
Family Coach
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

Just an idea: This has worked with mine, but I don't remember how old they were ( I have three)

Lay down on the floor and have a tantrum with him. Not real mind you, but kick scream flail your arms and legs, play the part really well.
They were so shocked by my behavior they stopped carrying on to see why I was so out of control.

At only 1 year old, your son knows no other way to communicate his frustration than to cry. He also doesn't understand why you are denying him what he wants. Understanding and being sympathetic to his feelings will go a long way in helping your patience. The best method at this age is to redirect his attention to something else. It's best if you can forsee a problem & redirect before it becomes an issue, but it will usually work even after they are throwing a fit...it just may take a little more coaxing on your part to get him to focus on the new toy/activity. Keep up the good work Mama!!!!

Hi K.,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. You really need a supportive group of people in your life. I'm sure there are mom's groups in your area.

There are also support groups for divorce and also some churches offer free counseling services. The Church at Rancho Bernardo has trained counselors, and the services are free.

I will share what has worked in teaching/disciplining my children. First, we have a set of very simple family rules posted. I know your son is young, but even pictures of how to behave would work. Then, we have consequences & rewards. My children earn priveleges (t.v. time, extra dessert, etc) for following all the rules. The consequences are loss of some things they like.

Also, something that helped alot, was giving acknowledgement of their feelings. For example, if my daughter was throwing a tantrum, I would say "you seem very frustrated right now" or "you seem angry".....it helped her connect her feelings to her behavior, and let her know I understood what she was feeling. I also taught her (when she was 3) that if she needed time to recover, she could go to her room to do so. I did not let her continue to be in the main living area while behaving that way. This was not a punishment, it was just a fact of life, you cannot just express all your emotions wherever and whenever you feel them.

I wish you all the best, and really hope you will reach out to others for support....I would never have made it through some of my challenges without other mom's!

If picking him up works, maybe teach him to say a word like "up" or hand gesture (put his arms up) which lets you know what he wants without him throwing a tantrum. When he does it, respond by picking him up (positive reinforcement). If he's misbehaving and you've tried to teach him how to do what he wants, then distraction might be the solution. Remove him from the situation that he's frustrated with and get him interested in something else in a positive and excited way. If he's sensing your frustration, it only makes it worse (and I know how hard that is as a parent, we all lose it sometimes). However if you're calm and just stick to your guns and be consistent (and patient) it will eventually work, it just takes time to learn a new behavior. The thing I try really hard to do for my kids is instead of just telling them "no" when they do something wrong, I give them an alternative way to handle whatever it is they are upset about. If they are hitting, instead of just saying "no" and giving a time out, I ALSO provide suggestions on how to deal with their frustration - if they feel like hitting, it's not ok to hit people or animals, but you can walk over to a pillow and punch it. Consistency/Repetition, giving alternatives, and distraction - hang in there!

The fact that he is throwing tantrums is actually very normal behavior for his age. He does not have the emotional or verbal maturity as we do. So it's his way of expressing his frustrations. It also shows how much trust and love he has for you. He feels comfortable enough to tantrum and he knows you will still be there for him- it means more than if he could say "I Love you".

Since he is so small. The best thing you can do is redirect. Try and distract him to whatever is bothering him. He is too young to get traditional discipline yet. I think you are right also as to remain calm and if you can't make sure he is in a safe place to tantrum and YOU take a time out in your room. I have learned the more uptight I become about tantrums the worse results. The more I let go and let them tantrum It seems to be not so bad. Even humor can work say if you are in a public place. You can sort of chuckle and say a light comment to onlookers. Pick up your screaming 1 yr old and just leave immediately. It makes a BIG difference as to onlookers reactions. As he gets a little older you can sit down once you've both calmed down and try to be sympathetic but explain how it's best to use words (again when much older like a preschooler). I do that with my daughter and she usually says how mad she can get and it scares her. It's helped alot. With my one year old boy I just try the redirection route and it seems to work pretty well with him.

Good luck.

H. (mom of Amelie 4yr and Miles 1yr)

What I did with my youngest is put him on time-out. We have a small front entry and I made him sit there for 1 minute. If he wouldn't stay I put up the baby gate. It's not really ignoring him since most of the time I was standing there telling him to calm down. I would get down to his level and have him look me in the ye and calmly tell him that he needs to relax and stop crying and then he can come out of time out. Once he calms down he can sit on your lap and you tell him he needs to behave. This worked with my youngest, but not my oldest and the middle one only 1/2 the time.
Don't do time out in his room or bed. That's where he plays. I like to keep it somewhere neuteral.

K., I don't have any good advice on the discipline part. I am a new mom to a one year old as well. I am located in Reno and we are close to the same age. I couldn't imagine going through what you are without having the support of good friends and family. I would love to meet you and even get our kids together. I also get together with other moms at times and would love to include you. Please contact me at ____@____.com

Find ways to keep your cool during the tough times. Find someone to talk to because you need it. I have walked those steps and my boys and I spent time walking and looking for bugs. There was no time for else. Where are you? There are lots of resources if you ask.

Good luck.

Hi K.:
I am a mother of two grown sons,whom I raised myself,as a result of a divorce.I have since remarried a wonderful man,and we have two beautiful Grandchildren,who are a big part of our lives.We have always felt most fortunate,that we lived close enough,to be able to help in nurturing and loving them.I don't exagerate when I say, the thrill of watching them take their first steps,and mutter their first words,will be treasured forever.While,I couldn't be happier with my life now,it hasn't always been so sweet.I was an abused child.As a young girl,I would take a spanking a belting, or a beating and still would have defended my father to the death. Not because I thought what he did to me was RIGHT or JUST But,he was my father, and I KNEW he loved me,so he had to be REAL SORRY he did it to me! I feared my father my entire young life.It didn't matter if it was a spanking or a beating. Each time he was physical with me, I feared him that much more. I hated him for making me afraid of him. Grown women,excusing themselves or rationalizing physically disaplining their children, believe it exceptable,because they are still defending their own parents actions. They say ( I got knocked around,and (LOOK AT ME) (I TURNED OUT FINE) They aren't fine.They simply find it easier,emotionaly to except their past treatment as normal,than question their parents tactics,or love for them. I recall how my father rationalized his punishments.(I MADE HIM DO IT)The fact was,he lacked self control, lacked parenting skills and had a sadistic side,to him,that was just a (chip off the old block(his own father)I'm proud to say, I broke that chain. I never once was physical with my sons.We didn't yell and scream in our home either.I spoke softly,especially when I was frustrated,and you know what? They listened that much more intently.I didn't have to yell to let them know i was mad.I said it calmly,but like i meant it.Your son is a mere year old.He has feelings just like you and me,but is frustrated,when he is unable to convey what it is he is feeling.The fact is,your son does sense the stress your experiencing during this battle,and your sadness,and he is equally confused. If children feel your not happy,if they feel your somehow displeased with them,they will get frustrated and act out.This is an extremely difficult time for you,but try to remember,that hes still a baby.Hes most likely feeling a bit insecure right now,with all thats going on around him.He may be a bit clingy,and want you holding him the majority of the time.If he throws a fit when you put him down,pick him up,look him in the eyes,and calmly say,mommy has to.......Can you help mommy,and .....find something creative for him to do.Even if its to draw on a piece of paper.Ask him to draw a picture so you can mail it to so and so.and then let him stick it in an envelope. The idea is to find something,anything more appealing than riding on moms hip.Be creative,he gets bored quick at 1 year,and right now,your the cure! Have stickers he can put on paper,or give him cookie cutters,and show him how to trace.Get some magnets for the frig,get him a pan and wooden spoon,and let him pretend hes cooking you dinner. Throw a few pretzils in for sound effects!Then eat his dinner,and rave about it!Your lil guy just wants a buddy,and right now,thats you.You said you had no support from family or friends right now.You do have your son,whom is there for you,to love you during this difficult time in your life.Embrace him,and find comfort in the fact,that you have each other.I wish you and your son the very best. J.

Check out the child psychologist, John Rosemond, either online or on Amazon. His child rearing techniques are calm, sensible and down to earth.

I would also recommend "Parenting with Love and Logic."

Good luck!

Aloha!
Have you heard of Maui Family Support Services? or if you don't live on the islands look into your community for support group like a parenting class etc. I have taken a few myself. Have you done 123 magic it's a warning system which leads to time out. You have to apply it continiously especially for a one year old. Plus, I think you both need a lot of love at this time. He might be feeling the tension from you...It's okay to walk away and let him vent so there is not so much emotional struggle for both of you and then regroup and just love on him tremendously!!! They can understand love and talking to an extent. Good Luck to you and I'll be praying for you to get a solution in these trying times.

A. K.
Mother of three blessings
9, 5 and 15 months

Hi K.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your child. I know that it is a trying time between trying to do waht is right for your child, and having to deal with a custody battle. My daughter was also around 1 when I went through a custody battle with her father. I agree with a few things that Julie L posted earlier. I believe there are times when a spanking is needed. These times are when a child has put him/herself in danger or is in complete defiance that they are beyond reasoning. I have spanked my child, as I was spanked as a child. There is a difference between spanking and beating. A beating is when the parent has lost complete control of their emotions can just react without hesitation. A spanking is when a parent has thought about what they are doing, and realize that the 2 swatts they are about to give their child is the last resort. A parent who beats doesn't care where their blows land. A parent who spanks makes sure that they are doing so on the rump of their child with nothing more than an open hand.

Now, I am NOT advocating spanking a 1 year old. For the most part a 1 year old doesn't yet know what is right or wrong. What I did with my daughter was got down to her level, and made her look at me in the eyes. In a very firm voice I simply said "No". If she was touching something that she shouldn't touch I would give her a toy that she could play with instead. You are right, yelling is not the way to go. If you have reached the point of yelling, then you have already lost control. Take a step back and remember that your son does not understand that he is upsetting you. He still wants what he wants and he wants it now. It is this crucial time when he needs to learn that he can't always have what he wants all of the time. Time outs at this age don't work. I didn't start time outs with my daughter until she was 2. This is where I don't agree with Julie L. Time outs work as long as they are exectued correctly. If you follow through and stay consitant, he will learn that there are consequences to his behavior.

As far as having to share your son with his father. I know that as a mother, that is the worse feeling that you could ever experience. But if it is done the correct way, then your son will be able to adjust. Children are smarter that people give them credit for. As I stated earlier, I have been sharing my daughter with her father since she was a little over a year old. She is very well adjusted and highly adaptable to any situation that she is placed into. Her teachers at preschool always tell me how well behaved she is even after she comes home from her visits. The key is to keep things friendly between you and the father. Your son will sence if there is hostillity between the two of you, and he will react to it. when he has to leave for his visits, make it fun for him. We usually take my daughter somewhere fun the night before she leaves, and always tell her the night before that she is going to see her father and her sisters and make it positive. It's easier than listening to the heartbreaking crying.

Now that I've rambled on, I hope that you are able to find some kind of help through my post.

Good luck
L.

Look into parenting classes... I live in Hawaii and excellent parenting classes (along with your child) through DOE and other state agencies. Ask your pediatrician about them, if they are offered through an agency, then a ped should know about them. I have taken as many as I can. I started taking them for opportunities for my child to get enrichment and separation time from me in a fun environment, but I learned so much from the other parents that I continued. I have made many friends through these classes and I have enjoyed discussing all of the issues with which I struggle with other parents who are going through the same things. You are not alone!!!

You know something K., I'm sorry that you are caught up in this situation with your ex because it must be causing a lot of stress for you and your sons and, it creates an unhealthy imbalance in your relationship with your children since you don't have access to him 24/7 like you normally would if you and your ex were still together and your ex was a nice person. My original blog was going to be about being strong being a strong disciplinarian but I don't think that is what you need now. I think consulting with a marriage anf family therapist would help you better be able to cope with this change in family dynamics and how to parent parent your child when you are a single parent and don't have a lot of time with him.

I wish you the best of luck in all that you do.

L. in NV

The Center for Non Violent parenting has parenting classes. They have a website...just google it.

the only discipline I do is timeouts. so far they have worked for my son and my nephew. One minute for every year that they are and no talking while they're in timeout otherwise the minutes start over. after timeout they have to apologize and give me hugs and kisses. I then take the time to explain to them why they can't do what they did such as, it hurts my feelings etc.

Hi Kristen, I'm responding, but not really sure how to advice, you are asking for advice for discipline, but from what i have read in your request, I get the impression that you really don't believe in discipline. First of all there is nothing wrong with spanking, if you are doing it the right way, you are right when you say you don't believe that yelling or ignoring bad behavior is the way to discipline, yelling stiffles, a child, it also causees insucurities in some children, and is both mental and emotional scaring. Time out is a joke, I don't care what anyone says becasue, because first of all who invented time out? it sure as heck was not God, I'll tell you it was, any parent affriad to discipline their child becasue they are afraid they system will get involved. At one year old if you do not nip inapproprieat behavior in the bud now it will get worse, you may end up with a 2 year old that you can not control. My kids were born in the 80's when parents were not afraid to discipline, I was not a big discilinarian but daddy was, and my kids loved and respected him for it. he would give them a warning, then he would give 2 good swats on the butt, that's it just 2, and I'll tell you it was a rare thing if my husband had to swat them for the same thing more than once. He didn't swat in anger and he didn't swat in haste, he discipline with love and respect, and to this day, our kids are 24, son, 21, son, and daughter 19 thank their dad for rasing them the way he did, they credit the adults they are today to God and their father, (dad). You mentiond you are going through an ugly custody battle, your one year old can since your stress, your sadness, your anger, and any other negative thing you are feeling, and that may cause him to act out, i have seen that in my daycare when a child's parents are seperated or going through a divorce and they are forced to go back and fourth from one home to another, that's a horrible thing to put a child through, I personally from what i have see in my daycare and what one of my daughters friends have shared with me that it is not healthy for a child to go back and forth, instead of spending time with the parents together, it's ok to have mom and son time and dad and son time, but not under theses cercumstances. As a mom Kristen you have to try and keep things at home as normal for your son, as he get's older you will have to go back into court and chage visitation times and days, to fit pre school, daycare, and eventually kindergarden, to help your son feel secure I believe you, your husband and your son's need to still do family things together, birthday's holidays, picnic's what ever it is that you all enjoy doing. For his behavior pick your battles, at obe not everything can be a battle, choose the battles that you feel are the onnes that will address the more inappropreiate behavior and go from there. I hoped this helped a little, be in charge, don't be afraid to discipline, and make sure you are prasing the good things he, and praising his effort, even if it's not a great job, you have to knowlege his effort, and trust me if you do that, there will be more effort on his part. J. L.

I know you say you don't believe in ignoring but when executed correctly, it is the best positive dicipline I know of. Think of it as "staying neutral." Use it at home...not in public, it is impossible to ignore in public. Pick one behavior that your child does, like screaming. (keep in mind, this will get worse before it gets better). Every time he screams, walk away, a safe distance and do not respond, don't talk, don't look at him. The screams will get louder but when he calms down, give him a huge hug and praise. Reward him with a fun activity, a hug, anything but make sure you reward him. After about 2 days of using this method consistently, he will learn that you are not going to respond in any way to bad behavior, only good behavior.

Yelling, spanking, hitting are all negative dicipline-I agree. Don't think of it as ignoring your child, think of it as staying neutral when your child exhibits bad behavior.

I hope this helps.

Hi K.,
I found that making my son laugh or distracting him in some way makes the tantrums stop. Put on some fun music or a video or show him a toy or tickle him - whatever you think will work. Try to figure out what causes the tantrums so you can take measures to prevent them before they start. Also keep talking to your son and telling him what is and isn't acceptable behavior. He'll eventually understand.

Good luck.

With everything thats going on in your life right now, let me first say. If you have to release, go somewhere away from the children's eye and ear view and YELL AND CRY. (if you need to...) When you are done ....

Sit down, and breathe. Mama you are possibly feeling very stressed with many things going on right now, and trying to deal with a tantruming child. I congratulate you for finding a more positve way to towards discipline.

One of which, is to be ready. Children can sometimes sense the parents anxieties/stress. From your young child to your teenager. I myself had to learn that I had to cope with my own stress behaviors before having to deal with any positive discipline.

One was to take a step back; breathe; to know that my good habits will be their good habits. Praise them and praise myself. Wipe the sweat and continue on, because I love them and I love myself.

Don't give in to their negative behavior. Be consistent. Redirect them. "No, mommy can't carry you right now. Here's your toy to play with. I'll be there soon." As long as the child is safe, carry through with your promise. Using your calm voice and words, and follow-through will show them trust. Give it time and patience, Mama ......

You can also find, parenting groups; support groups. During this time of a custody battle, you will need to get the strength for yourself and your children. Good Luck

Time out. The first two times I put my son in time out it was the most difficult thing for me to do, even harder than letting him cry himself to sleep. I shut him in his room, closed the door and sat in front of it so he couldn't get out. It was only two minutes. But the result is we very rarely have to use time out right now. And when we say go to time out he goes to his room himself until we tell him its okay to come out. Its important for kids to be loved unconditionally but they absolutely need boundries and discipline. It sounds like your life is crazy right now, best of luck and hang in there!