C.V. asks from Independence, MO on April 23, 2010
Positive and Encouraging Advise Only Please!
I had my tubes tied during a c-section almost 5 years ago.About 3 years ago I decided I definately wanted one more.My Husband isn't opposed to having another one but isn't willing to support me on a reversal or anything like that.I had just turned 26 when I got my tubes tied and I was pressured by everyone bc of the previous c-sections.I thought I was making a good choice for myself and my family.But we do not feel complete!I would not be opposed to adopting but it takes so much time and money!And I would love to foster but I have heard that you have to have great credit.I have been very depressed and almost in a mourning type of state bc I "gave up!"I am VERY greatful to have 3 healthy children, do NOT take me wrong,I thank God everyday.I do not know why I can not get over this extreme disire!I volunteer in the church nurseries,I am currently watching my infant nephew 3 nights a week but nothing seems to help this strong disire.Is there any advise,encouraging words,anything anyone could offer?Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of getting pregnant without a reversal or In-vitro?
Wanted to add that my Husband has always been on board with adoption and lately he's just been discouraged.
So What Happened?™
Ok,so some had some encouraging words and things to think about!My Husband is a firefighter,I get lots of quality time with my children.I make sure to spend time with each separately,etc.I love my kids and are very thankful to be there Mom! Just to make somethings clear,I work in the church nursery once a month when my children in in their own service,it does not take time away from them.I simply put that and about my nephew because it has been suggested to me in the past that I maybe need to apply the desire and energy to other areas (ex:nursery.) I was trying to point out it does not help the desire.I do not know if I am meant to have another child or not.I just know the desire will not go away and almost seems to get stronger than better!And I am almost certain it has nothing to do with my youngest possibly starting school this year!Thanks for all of the input,I am definitely going to try some suggestions and will update again!
J.M. answers from Washington DC on April 24, 2010
When I first read your post my immediate thought was that you were depressed and this might be some sort of phase. But then I looked back on your previous posts and you wrote almost the exact same question in January 2009.
You must realize that your tubal ligation is permanent and there is no way you can concieve naturally. Reversals and in-vitro are your only chances to have a baby, but they are both not 100% effective and can be very costly. They are not always covered by insurance. Do some research. Talk to your doctor about your actual chances of getting pregnant with help.
On the other hand, you say you don't have good credit. So how can you afford another child?
Have you ever talked to a counselor? Talk with your husband. If he is not on the same page as you, you are going to have problems. Something is missing in your life.
Keep us updated. And I wish you much luck.
7 moms found this helpful
M.P. answers from Portland on April 24, 2010
I encourage you to try fostering. I eventually adopted the girl that I fostered. In todays world of crazy credit it wouldn't surprise me that good credit is a requirement but I would not just assume that. Call and find out for sure.
There are different agencies that set up fostering. The obvious one is the State Children's Division. It might be under the Department of Human resources. The other one that I know of is the Casy Institute. There are others but I can't think of their names now.
It doesn't always take months or years to adopt. I have a couple of friends who adopted babies several years ago thru a private attorney. Private adoptions do go faster. I think their wait was minimal. The attorney knew of pregnant parents who wanted to place for adoption and so it was just a matter of waiting until the baby was born same as it would be if you were pregnant.
I know of no way that you could get pregnant without a reversal or in-vitro. The egg has to get to the uterus some way.
It's sad that they encouraged you to get a tubal ligation. My daughter wanted one but her doctor discouraged her from doing it because she was only 25.
I also recommend that you start counseling. It may be that you could work thru the reasons for your strong need to have another baby. I think it will help you greatly if you can deal with your depression. Mourning is natural in your situation. You are literally mourning your body's loss of ability to conceive. It could be that once you've gone thru the mourning process you will feel less driven to have another baby.
It is also possible that your depression is a result of other issues as well as wanting a baby. I suggest that just like it's best to be in a good place before one marries it's also best to be in a good place before making a choice to have another child. Once you're in a reasonably good emotional space you may feel differently about having another child. This is a suggestion just for you to consider. Often we think we'll be happy if we just had such and such and often we find that's not the case once we get it. Please seriously consider having some counseling to work thru your depression and mourning so that if you do decide to find a way to have a baby or child you will know that the decision is the right one for the baby/child because you are a happy person already.
7 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from St. Louis on April 24, 2010
time to get out of the house! Each time you feel down, feel as if you're mourning....then WALK. Let that negative energy transfer to the positive side.
& I want you to think long & hard about the timing of this....even if you've questioned this decision before.....is your youngest headed to KG this year? Do you see your time at home caring for children coming to an end? What other transitions are occuring in your life? Think about these issues while you're walking.....& maybe you'll see another side of this dilemma. & quite possibly find another solution!
Even tho' you are a SAHM, is it time to get a part-time job? Is it time to help build up that credit rating & create a nest egg....to help you better make a life-changing decision such as this?
You mentioned that your husband is not opposed to another child, but is not supporting you on reversal/etc. Then if he's not supporting you, how can you say he is "not opposed"? Is he actively searching for alternatives? Is he truly behind you on adding another child to the family? It's time for the two of you to work this out....with or without a counselor. (& that counselor could be your minister!)
One more thing to add: you have asked for "positive & encouraging advice only". WHY? That request turns all of us into "yes men"! Sometimes honesty does not always go hand-in-hand with the positive side of life. The purpose of this forum is to be honest in our efforts to help others! AND I truly want you to know that I wish you PEACE!.....but I am not you, & do not have to necessarily share your mindframe/opinion/thoughts....that freedom is what makes our world go round!
Oops, one more thought: I am 47. I have 2 children living, one deceased. My sister is 45, & she has 3 children. Quite frequently, we have feelings of not "being complete" as a family. We both have (thru the years) desired to hold another child, to add to our family. AND then we take a look at our lives, we search until we find completion in what we have, & then Thank Our Lord that we have been blessed with these gifts. We both have children in their 20s, we know that grandkid time is coming.....& even tho' this is something we both strongly desire....our very next prayer/wish/thought is.....to our children, please wait - take time to find the right partner, the right place in life - don't rush or push the issue of children. It will happen ..... I am telling you this, because maybe that is a new direction for your thoughts to run. In ten years, you could have a grandchild!
6 moms found this helpful
C.T. answers from Denver on April 24, 2010
Hi C. - gosh I feel for you. I've heard that reversals can work but I encourage you to make sure your husband is on board with it. You may need to have someone like a counselor help you and him sort things out in that regard. Men often look at things practically and dont understand how strong our desires and intentions can be.
The other support I would offer is to evaluate those very desires and intentions and test them. For example, there are some who are so worried or fearful about something specific happening to them that they create the exact situation they dont want through their behaviors. In similar fashion, remorse and regret can drive our intentions and desires in a direction that tries to fix the thing that caused the remorse and the regret.
Please dont think I'm saying your desire to have a child is wrong - I'm just encouraging you to test it. If it passes muster, then you can know for sure that you are ready to move forward and that your body is in agreement with your desires and intentions. And - that it is worth the emotional capital it is going to take to pull your hubby around.
I wish you all the best -
4 moms found this helpful
C.S. answers from Las Vegas on April 24, 2010
I know it sounds like you have tried everything to remove this urge, but have you tried to channel this energy into the children you have? Sometimes when we want things so bad, we don't consider the consequences. I hear 3 children already, money to get pregnant again, bad credit, and a sister who needs your help. Is there really room in your life for one more baby? I'm not saying you have to give up your dreams for your sisters needs, but it is something to consider. You have 3 children already, 3 is a pretty good number. Have you considered what colleges your 3 will go to and what that will cost you. Will they live at home while they go to school or on campus, what will those living expenses cost? Is the money already in place? Please place your children first.
4 moms found this helpful
M.B. answers from New York on April 24, 2010
Just wondering - how old are your kids? Will 1 more really make you "complete", or will it make you complete until that child is not longer a baby? Maybe take a step back and ask yourself why that urge is so strong. I have no idea what I am talking about - I am one of those people who gets really sad when the NB stage is over (I got preggo with my second when my first was 6-7 months, now my second is 4.5 months and I am already getting the itch). That said, if I had a tubal, had 3 kids already and a hubby who was opposed to me getting a reversal - I think I would have no choice but to put all of my energy into my three kids.
I hope you can find a way to get over your extreme desire - whether that be to move on with your current situation or to go ahead and have another child. I will urge you to talk to your hubby about this. You really need to be on the same page.
2 moms found this helpful
A.C. answers from Houston on April 24, 2010
You should look into fostering an adoption through your state agency. You say that you "heard" some things...but have you actually investigated yourself? There are a ton of kids that need loving homes. I don't know the procedure in your state/county...but I know a single woman, making less than $30,000 a year who recently adopted a lovely 8 year old. The whole process took less than a year...it takes nine months to have a baby once you manage to get pregnant.
Most health insurance doesn't cover the cost of a reversal...and while some can be done in outpatient facilties, the cost can run $10,000.
I agree with the other that your time and money would be well spent in getting some psychiatric support. Over the years, I have often seen a counselor when faced with some life-changing situation. It is a good way to have an objective opinion and get some unbiased advice.
2 moms found this helpful
L.Z. answers from Boston on April 24, 2010
I could have written a lot of this myself, and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I had a tubal in '07 when I had my second. I was almost 33 at the time, young by today's standards, but I was sure I was done, could not handle or afford more, etc. I figured since I was having the c-section, why not? No one pressured me and I could have said no even right up to the point of it being done. I was just burned out from having my two kids only 22 months apart and having hard pregnancies with hypertension. I started to regret it a year ago, and as of now, my husband and I are planning IVF for this summer in the hopes of a third. The thing that scares me most about it is not the money or the medical part, but it not working! I am 35 going on 36 now.
One thing I have learned is that it IS normal and common to feel depressed as a result of this type of situation. I get you! I feel "broken" or abnormal somehow as a result of not being able to get pregnant naturally. I do, however, agree with the previous post - just be sure first, through counseling or talking with a friend, that it's not for any other reason that you want another baby. I found that when people around me were pregnant, the "hole" felt much deeper and the hurt was greater. I realized, though, that I do want to parent another child for years and years, not just have a baby, if you know what I mean, so I know this is not a phase. We considered adoption too, but it's actually more expensive and takes longer than the IVF process, at least that's the plan based on my RE's plan for me.
Reversals do work and you are very young.... I would have gone that route if I was younger. BUT, get the medical records from your TL to see what kind they did on you. You have a great chance of success if your tubes were either just clipped, or ligated but NOT burned. There is a higher chance of ectopic pregnancies with a reversal, but a lot of women have gotten them and had a baby or more afterwards. There is a dr. in NC who only does reversals. Check out the website: tubal-reversal.net. There is no other way for you to conceive without either method, sorry to say. :( The good news is, you do have options.
I understand your feelings and I think there are many of us out there... hang in there and let me know what you decide, if anything, anytime!
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