Please...any Advice Would Be Great.

Hi B.:
I understand,that this situation is troubling to you,but frankly,the less you are involved,the better off you will be.Reason being,you will have absolutely no input as to the decisions made or the outcome.Your brother is considered an adult,and depending on the parents of the minor he impregnated,they will have the option to prosecute him for his actions.They will ultimately decide,whether their daughter will go through the pregnancy,or have an abortion.Not even your brother will have a say in this.I don't know where Katie K lives,but if she lives in the state of California,its considered (Kidnapping) when you take someone else's child.It's unfortunate,as I'm sure she kept her Grandchild out of concern for its welfare,but if the child's parents would have made the small effort to ask about the legalities,of what occurred in that situation,they could have taken their child back at any time.All they would have had to do is make a commitment to rehabilitate. There are a number of problems this young girl could experience,attempting to carry and give birth at such a young age.Her parents will need to consider her physical well being,and whether they want to take chances with their OWN CHILDS life in this sad situation.I'm sympathetic towards your hurt,and concern,however the further you distance yourself,the less you will be effected by the outcome.J. M.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi B.. I'm so sorry about your family's situation. I teach high school (16 years) and here's what I've learned in that time...

First, I'm a strong supporter of adoption. Given what you've written, this sounds like a good option. Both parents sound too immature to handle parenthood, no matter how much folks help them. It takes a strong girl, and lots of counseling, to go through with this, but it can be for the best.

If adoption is rejected, I encourage both your brother and his young girlfriend to find mentors who can help them prepare for the tough times ahead. Finishing high school or passing a high school equivalency exam will help both.

Last but not least, if there are any parenting classes in your area, both should be enrolled and educated. Also, it might be wise for her parents (or you, if you're willing) to start researching what your community offers as a help to young, unmarried parents. Help groups? Financial aid? Medical care?

I agree with the previous post that your brother may be at risk with the law, depending on the age of consent in your state.

The kids who are successul, are the ones who have great support systems behind them. The hardest lessons both the moms and dads learn is that they can no longer have a "normal" high school career. Football games, proms, etc. are likely things of the past because they now have to work and care for a child.

Over the years, I've seen lots of youngsters rise to the challenge and I've seen many just fall apart. I've seen girls who thought a baby would solve all their problems realize they just created new problems and I've seen wild boys settle down and grow into their responsiblities. The best I've seen is that both mom and dad finished college, got married and had a second baby...almost six years after their first. It's been nearly 15 years and they're still togeher.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

Dear B.,

As with many of the other responses, I too would offer adoption as a top of the list choice. I too am a mother because of the selflessness of two different young couples and their love for their babies. Adoption is probably the hardest choice anyone ever has to make, but remember that it is not made because that baby is not wanted. It's made because those making the choice love that baby more than they love their own desires. Any adoptive family will tell you birth parents are the most selfless people they know. A decision to make an adoption plan for a baby is not about giving a baby up, it's about giving that baby more.

While you're not the one who's going to be making this decision, your role in still important. It's not uncommon for the boy's family not to know the girlfriend that well, especially at this young age. First thing, both sets of parents need to know what's going on. You can offer support by making the effort to get to know this young lady. Do not offer her any advice at the start unless she asks for it. Simply get to know her and be her friend. She will trust you to give good advice if you take the time to be her friend first.

If her family does not respond well to this news, she will need your friendship all that much more. Don't allow her to pit you against her family however, that is a difficult place to be. If you do not agree with the wants of her family, it will be important for you to be her sounding board. She will need someone to talk to, vent to and use as a place to bounce off her feelings and ideas.

While you are becoming her friend and she is learning to trust you, take time to research different adoption programs. There are many out there. The most important things to look for are programs that will offer her counseling services through her pregnancy and after placement. Look for a program that will offer a support group for her to attend during her pregnancy and after placement. Those support groups are sometimes the most important things. Also look for varied options for openness and contact with the adoptive family after placement. There are a milion and one different methods of communication and openness, she will have to find the right fit between herself and an adoptive family. She will learn to trust you and come to know that you are a source of good advice. When that time comes, offer her your research, help her sift through her options or if her family is offering the same support, share your knowledge lovingly with her parents. They will love you for it.

Whatever decisions are made, it is important that your brother be part of those decisions. He is the father, and while he may not be in a position in his life to take on the responsibility, if he is left out the decision making process, it will backfire later. Trust me, we've been there with our oldest son's birthfather and family. He has to sign those parental termination papers too, he deserves to be part of the process. He will feel cornered and trapped if he's told the decisions were made without him. Even if he doesn't show it, it will still affect him.

You are a Christian woman, rely on God for comfort and support as you help them through this. Pray for them, and especially for her, she will need so much love and support as she begins to make these important decisions. Talk to other people you know who are either adoptive parents or birthparents, they will be a wealth of informations. You are a wonderful sister for being so concerned for them. You will no doubt help them do the right thing.

G.

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Hi, B.,

I agree with Bergen. As a high school teacher, I met several pregnant teenagers. Although I did not think that becoming pregnant as a teenager was a great idea for these girls, especially those whose partners were weren't going to stick around, I always tried to act calm or even happy for the prospective adolescent parents. At least that way, I could maintain a good relationship with the teenagers. Think about it for a moment--who would you rather listen to--someone who criticizes you or someone who supports you?

You might start by gathering information. What does your brother want/not want to do? What does his girlfriend want/not want to do? Do they have any questions about medical care, financial issues, emotional issues? The best thing you can do is listen and offer information if asked for information.

I would not push a couple to give its baby up for adoption, abort, or do anything else. Let the couple make its own decision. They have to live with their decision for the rest of their lives. This pregnancy may affect you as an aunt, but the baby and the baby's parents are most affected by it. The only time I would intervene is if the baby were endangered (parents neglected or abused child).

Best wishes to your family.

L. E

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It seems there is little you can do until and IF he becomes a danger to the baby....meaning you have to wait and see how he handles fatherhood. Right now is not the time for "the talk" or lectures...they need support and guidance.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi B.
Abortion does NOT have to be the answer. Even with your brothers history (or even if he is still currently smoking, drugs, etc) there are many Christian families out there just waiting to bring a beautiful baby into their homes. I know. My husband and I have been on 'the list' for over a year. No matter what they decide, keep your faith, help them with theirs and pray. It will work out.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it is admirable that you want to help your brother, but at the same time, you cannot afford to become too involved in the situation as you have your own marriage and young children of your own to think about. However, I will give you my thoughts on your brother's situation.

1) Has he told your parents about the situation? What are their responses? 2) Has his girlfriend told her parents and what is their response? From how you describe your brother, he doesn't sound responsible enough to have a family of his own or raise a child. His substance use may get worse now that he is struggling with this news. My other thought is that you say abortion is not an option, but how do you know for sure that it is not? Most people will tell you that the mother of the baby has the right to an abortion if she wishes and the father has limited say in the matter. Have you talked with his girlfriend 1:1 to offer support to her and ask her feelings on the subject? How does she feel about becoming a mother at a young age? Is she financially stable (with assistance from her parents or your parents to raise a child)?
Again, even though you are saddened by the situation, you have your own family to consider. You are not in a position to take in another child or be affected by what is going on with this situation. Your first priority is your family with your husband and children and your extended family after that. Please don't sacrifice your own happiness or marriage in trying to help your brother. Right now, the best thing you can do is talk 1:1 with his girlfriend. Make sure that she is under medical care for her pregnancy and following the doctors advice. Tell her to ask her doctors office for referral to a Social Worker or counselor. This person can help her process what is going on and help refer her to other needed resources.

Best of luck,
J.

3 moms found this helpful

I was a teenage mother @ 15 (near 16yrs). Pregnant by by 17 yrs old booyfriend of 3yrs. I too, came from a christian family and kept my baby. I was forced to marry a loser for a father and husband. I was separated by the time graduation came around. I had to get my GED.

I'm now 48 and my daughter is 32. It all worked out. My daughter is a LVN. I'm a Federal Officer and work for Homeland Security. I married a wonderful man when I was 28. He raised my daughter from the age of 3. We have three more children together and 7 grandkids. Life hasn't always been easy, but God has kept me happy, healthy and safe.

My advice, let your brother and his girlfriend work through their situation. Who knows maybe this will turn your brother into a man. If not, hopefully you'll be able to have a relationship with the child. My X and I haven't had a realtionship for many years. He never showed an interest in my daughter, but his family DID. I still have a relationship with them and so does my daughter. The only problem we have now is holiday gatherings.My daughter splits the time between families. Thats not too bad right? I don't think so either.

Pray for them and let God handle it. Afterall, this is part of HIS plan. Be supportive of both of them. Everyone should encourage her to finish High School. A baby isn't the end of the world, It's just a change of plans.

My God Bless you all,
Bec

3 moms found this helpful

Hi B., can he get help through your church? I ask this because you mentioned you all are christians. The church my family belongs to, has a Ministry called Broken Chains, it is a addiction recovery Ministry, and it has help many people in our church, I don't know where you are located, but this ministry is not just for our members, it's for anyone seeking help. We have a sister in our church who loves God with all of her heart, but she had an addiction to hard drugs, well thanks to this misistry she has been clean for 9 years. if this baby is going to have a fighting chance in life he/she has to have drug free parents. J. L.

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UPDATE: Thid program is free. It is so wonderful. If you have any questions ask me.

There is a great Christian recovery called TEEN CHALLENGE. They help people of ALL AGES. not just teens.
www.teenchallenge.com/riverside
They have about a 86 percent success rate. They have been around for about 50 years. I have known people who went though the the program and they are doing great. With the pregnancy I would pray. I will pray also. God Bless.
S.

2 moms found this helpful

Go to www.ldsfamilyservices.org
They have counseling, addiction recovery, adoption services, and birth parent help.
Even if she doesn't want adoption, they have services to teach her how to be a good parent and face responsibilities. My sister in law was pregnant at 17, she kept the baby, but she said that their services were so much help.
There is also the security that any adoptive family is a solid Christian family. Many of my friends have received their children through this service and they are all great couples and families.
There are services to help your brother too, this may be just the wake up call he needs.
Don't worry you don't have to be LDS, they want to help EVERYONE.
Good Luck

2 moms found this helpful

Adoption. It is a beautiful option. I know of a wonderful Christian family who wants so badly to adopt. ____@____.com

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Doing what is in the best interest of the CHILD is what is most important here. Adoption is the best choice. A father and mother who are prepared for the sacrifices and commitment it takes to properly raise a child are what is required - and there many couples on a waiting list for such an opportunity. An 18-year old and a child who is 16 years old do not have the maturity yet to take this on. Adoption is the best choice.

2 moms found this helpful

http://www.realitysoberliving.com/
That live in (addiction) place is supposed to be really good. It's for young men 18-22. If your brother is still struggling with addiction, he should go there. He needs help.

I vote adoption. Does her family know yet? What do they want to do?

2 moms found this helpful

Hi B.,

It's lovely that you care so deeply for your brother. My husband and I are adoptive parents and I have to tell you that adoption really can be a life saver for young kids who find themselves in this situation.

My advice is to get more information about adoption. There are a few people I could put them in contact with. We love our adoption lawyer. I'm sure she could answer their questions. Her info is: Jan Rochelle-Chamerat ###-###-####.

Good luck.

S.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear B.,
Neither of them are ready to be parents at this time. They should not be encouraged to marry because the father is not ready to support mom and the baby as well as the mother being a extremely young. Unless her parents are very supportive and want to help raise the child for a few years, as your brother gets "his act together, adoption might be best, but they need to make that decision.

I would suggest that she (actually both)gets counseling from Bethany Christian Services. They are a Christian adoption organization that offers help, support, and encouragement for this type of situation. They will do this if they wants to keep the baby or put it up for adoption. They can even arrange an "open adoption" which allows them to see and get pictures of the baby as it grows up. The little one up would be a blessing for many people. Our church family has many beautiful blessings from God that are adopted because the natural parents could not have children. If Bethany was to place the baby it would be in Christian homes.

Here is the contact information:

http://www.bethany.org/lamirada/

It has all the contact telephone numbers and information. I will pray that for them as they make this big decision. All you can do is give them this information in a loving manner letting them know that you love them and support them with prayer. I also think your brother might want to contact Teen Challenge...someone else suggested this and he needs help to work through his problems if he is ever going to become a husband and father.

Here is the information

Los Angeles county:
http://www.teenchallenge.com/losangelesmale

Orange County:
http://www.teenchallenge.com/santaana

They also have residential centers for breaking the drug habit. Since your bother is 18, he has to make the decision, but if he were my son I would support him and encourage him to do this. If he doesn't break the cycle now, it will only get worse.

http://teenchallengeusa.com/locations.php?type=1&gend...

I will be praying for them.

Love in Christ,
H.

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I pray they will explore putting the baby up for adoption in order to give the child a better opportunity in life. i adopted a couple of years ago and its amazing.
good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Wow...that is tough, but I agree with some of the others - Adoption is a GREAT option. It is thru adoption that I am a mom. My husband and I are "waiting on being picked" for our second child. It would be great to have somebody that has been through that process speak with them (your brother and his girlfriend). I would be happy to from my point of view, if they are open to that. If they do make that choice, they are going to need family support (especially her) all the way thru the pregnancy and the few days after giving birth until she signs papers...they I am sure even more support when she goes home from the hospital without a baby.

I will be praying that they make the right choice for that little baby.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi B., I'm glad they are not considering abortion. Adoption is an amazing choice. My husband adopted our daughter, now 3 and are waiting on our 2nd. I love our agency b/c so much time and energy is spent on birthparent counseling and since it is an open adoption agency the bp make the choice of who adopts their child and how much contact they have in the future. I can't recommend them enough. I've heard many christian teens in their position say if they got preg then God wants them to raise the child, but what if God wants them to provide a child for another couple? Have them check out www.adoptionhelp.org.

1 mom found this helpful

B., Well I hope all goes well. I hope that her parents are ok with it. Especially with her being 16 and he being older. She needs to go to WIC so she can start taking care of herself and the baby. By getting all the nutritinal stuff she needs for both of them. I would also tell her she needs to tell her doctor asap, about your brothers old ways so they can check the child for any abnormalities. Good luck wish you and your family good luck:)
D.:)

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I would hope they look into adoption that would be the best thing for the child and them at this point. If they are dead set in keeping the child I hope you are that childs #1 advocate even if it means turning your brother and his girlfriend in if they are putting the child in danger or neglect of any kind. Be their support system and help them on the right road if they are willing to be lead. Have them start parenting classes and drug & alcohol programs. Some prayer never hurts. Best of Luck and may it all turn out for what is best for the child.

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B. C

Your son needs a wake up call. I am glad there are those who don't believe in abortion, however your son needs to know his world as he knows it is non existent any more. Now is a good time to get your son in a rehab program, there is still time for him to get the needed help to help him get over the drug/alcohol addiction. I can promise, it won't be an easy road, but for his child he needs to do this and learn to be a bit more responsible. He and his girlfriend will have to set examples for their child to grow up with. You can help your brother by helping him to get the help (i.e. counseling, rehab, and detox) he needs now. It will be to his benefit and his childs. Good Luck.

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Love, love, love. Pray harder than you've ever prayed, and then leave the rest to God. The decisions to make are theirs as were the choices they made to get to this point. Help them get help if asked, but don't be surprised if they don't ask. He's an "adult", she's a minor. Her parents will have much to say in the decisions that are made. Just pray. Breathe... and LOVE!

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ADOPTION! Learn what you can about it so you can give them some good info/advice on that OPTION. It's an unselfish act that bennefits many, mainly the child.

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Well I was sixteen and my husband was 18 when I got pregnant and we had only been together for a month! I just graduated high school (early) and my husband had a GED. My husband was really into drugs and alcohol and I wasn't but he changed completely as soon as our son was born! He is the greatest father and husband that I could ask for! We also lived with our parents until I was 21 and he was 24. Now we've been together for 6 years, have two beautiful children and are buying our first home! Things work out if you work hard for them. It can work for your brother, he might just have to see his baby for the first time.

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Hi B.,

Teen pregnancy is definately a wake up call and forces many guys to get serious fast about becoming a responsible adult. The Christian values that may have been dormant for a while will resurface.

Many teens are so used to rebelling against family "advice" that sometimes they only hear positive suggestions from an uninvolved 3rd party. You may want to check out fatherhood.org. They have a lot of great programs for guys. Also, the film Being Dad 2 (beingdadusa.com) has a segment about a single 19 year old dad of a 2-year old son. He had been pretty much out of control at 17, but having a child caused him to stop and realize he didn't want his son growing up like him and he got focused on being a really involved and loving father quickly.

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pray for them. if he is truely dedicated to being a father when the time comes then he will clean up. but it may take a few years. its unfortunate that he and his gf are in this predicament. do either set of parents know? if not try and be your brothers support. im glad they are choosing not to abort. most schools have a seperated class for pregnant students that teaches them skills to be a parent. i guess all you can do is remind him that when this baby comes (even before this baby comes) that he needs to clean up and think about cleaning up his act for the sake of his child. i know if he doesnt he may regret not having a relationship with the baby. does his gf share the same drug intrest that he does (oh i hope not). i hope the best for them... maybe suggest that they see the church councelor about safe desicions to make.

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