23 answers

PLEASE Tell Me It's a Phase! *UPDATED*

OMG! I am SO frustrated! I am ready to give up!
We are getting ready to move, Mothers Day weekend, into a nother apartment that has a better location, still in the same complex.
We are trying to get things packed so it is a quick and easy move.

In June my daughter is going to Colorado to stay with my parents and visit his parents and sisters.

So we have a lot coming up.

We have been trying all year to teach her to take care of her stuff.
She wants a desk in her room, she wants a radio, she wants this that and the other...
I have told her if she can start keping her room clean, picking up the toys, taking the clothes to the hamper, that we would consider getting her some of those things...
Well, she has not, it goes good for a couple of days and then suddenly her room looks like a tornado went through.

This week we gave her 2 big boxes and asked her to put every toy and book she wants to keep into those boxes...
it's been a week and it looks like she has barely done anything.

Today she walks out of her room and has taken a big chunk out of her hair and created bangs with 4 or 5 levels to them...

I spent a year helping her grow her hair out, making it long and thick and healthy, able to go back into a nice panytail... and TWO MONTHS before she is supposed to see family she hacks it to pieces!!!

This is not the first time, about 10 months ago she cut a chunk out of the back of her head, I thought she would know better after getting in trouble last time. She is 6, but these rules are not new.

I lost it!
I took scissors and "fixed" it as best I could, her hair now has bangs and is not even shoulder length all the way around, so much for pony tails this summer!
And I told her that in one hour we were goign to come into her room and ANYTHING not in the boxes was going in the dumpster.
I have a feeling I am about to throw away a lot of her stuff.

Please can someone tell me this additude or complete lack of obedience or what ever it is will end?

I am at the point where I want to her ot go to Colorado and never come back, I am so frustrated :(

(In reality I know I would miss her too much for that, I am just mad and frustrated and venting.)

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

SHEW HAD BANGS BEFORE AND HATED THEM, IT WAS HER IDEA TO GROW HER HAIR OUT.
HONESTLY I AM NOT AN IDIOT.

First of all, no I would never and have never said anything like I want her to go away out loud.

Secondly, EVERY TIME the room does get clean it is because I go int here and monitor, direct, and help her.

She is nearly 7, she has been cleaning her own room for a year, with me standing there.
I only help verbally, not physically.

She knows how to do it, she just doesn't want to.
I have proof of that now, too.
With the threat of things being thrown away, guess what?
She got it done, her room is clean.
All by herself, no supervision, no help.

So no, I am not pushing her too hard, she is clearly able to do it, she has done it.

As far as the scissors, they are safety scissors.
We live in a very small apartment and do not have a room for crafts or a good place to store stuff like that.
She gets to keep her craft stuff and uses it, as long as she uses it the right way, if she doesn't she gets it taken away for a few days, and then we try again.

I do think it is a stubborn, butting heads thing though, more than a not being capable or not understanding.

I am NOT strict and I do not have huge expectations.
She never even has to make her bed.
She doesn't have to do anything except put her toys in a toy box, that is her ONLY chore.

She comes and does the dishes all on her own, I have NEVER told her to, she likes to.
She puts laundry in the machine and takes it out and puts it in the dryer, again, this was her doing it, never told her to.

She is very smart and capable,
and stubborn.

Featured Answers

6 is pretty young, it's hard to make decisions, that's why Mom is there to help.
You need to get on the floor with her and help her decide what stays and what goes one toy at a time.
The hair cutting thing is pretty normal, they do crazy stuff out of boredom lots of times, chopping hair is one of them ;) fun times raising daughters.

8 moms found this helpful

she is 6... we do not allow scissors upstairs for my 6 year old.. they are in the craft supplies that I can monitor.. and if my daughter cut her hair one time.. I would put the scissors up on the top top shelf so she would hav to ask for them.. and I would watch her like a hawk when she had them.

my daughter can not clean her room.. it is overwhelming to her.. she can clean if I am in the room.. and assign tasks.. pick up the food toys.. ok.. good ... now pick up the books.. you can not expect a child this young to clean a room.. you are being unrealistic.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I am an adult (at least we'll assume so in internet land).

There are a number of things I CAN do, because I HAVE done them.

That does not mean I am capable of doing them independently, consistently, nor well.

Novelty & No Recourse creates AMAZING results in children. Spotless rooms (novelty, or mom's a drunk), snipers (some of the best shots in the world are children taking their turns out in the cliffs protecting their homes, they do it, like the child who has drunks for parents and cooks, cleans, and raises the other children... because there is nothing else to be done).

It sounds to me as if the novelty has worn off.

While she HAS done it, she has ALSO shown you that she is not yet consistantly capable of doing it herself. That's the other piece of the equation. She has shown you BOTH. That she can do it, but not independently, consistently, nor well on her own.

To get her room clean, after the novelty is gone, you gave her no recourse (loss of things she loves, like the child in the cliffs afraid for their family's lives).

Just a warning, you'll have to continue giving her no recourse ... or come up with a different method/ timeline.

Been there, and done that.

Not worth it, in my opinion. It's lost time AND fosters a dependence. Instead of learning to be more INdependent... the pattern forms of waiting for carrot or stick.

Nothing works for everyone... but one thing that worked with us was to have 'everyone' (aka both my son and I) clean at the same time. He in his space, me in mine, and both of us together. Just plain old normal. Every day. "What do you think, kiddo? Clean now or after lunch?"

9 moms found this helpful

Added: Wow, your SWH is sharp. I totally agree with Jessie L - it's almost like nothing she does makes you happy. You truly sound like you are talking about a teenager.

Perhaps you like your house spotless and nothing out of place, and that is driving your perfectionist attitude with your daughter, I don't know. But I hope you will start trying to enjoy your daughter for who she is, rather than who you would rather her be. It will be a long road for you if you don't. :(

Original:

M., I'm sorry, but really, you are expecting too much! She's only 6. If you want her to take better care of her stuff, don't give her so much.

Too many clothes, too many toys, too many books, too many things, just overwhelm her.

Instead of expecting her to think like you and have an attitude that fits your perspective, let her be a child. That doesn't mean to let her have a tornado of a room. It means help her learn how to do it a little at a time.

You should throw out all and any toys that are broken. You should give away any toys that she has outgrown. You should put part of her toys in bins out of her reach and revolve them through so that she has different toys out at a time. Go through her clothes, make sure that only the current season is available to her, that all the smaller clothes are no longer there, and any clothes too large are in bins out of the way. Don't have so many clothes for her to deal with.

She is not a teen and she should not be expected to clean her room by herself. What she CAN do is follow your instructions IF you make it so that she can be successful. Get rid of all the STUFF. Then she can handle the room better and you'll have an easier time teaching her in the coming years how to do what you want.

D.

9 moms found this helpful

6 is pretty young, it's hard to make decisions, that's why Mom is there to help.
You need to get on the floor with her and help her decide what stays and what goes one toy at a time.
The hair cutting thing is pretty normal, they do crazy stuff out of boredom lots of times, chopping hair is one of them ;) fun times raising daughters.

8 moms found this helpful

To be honest, I think the bigger problem is your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like every little thing she doesn't do right REALLY grinds your gears. If a break from her doesn't resolve this, and you can afford it, get to a counselor.

You've got a long way to go in raising this child and you want to enjoy it enough to let the bad things be forgotten. I'm sorry if that is offensive especially since I don't know the whole story, but I'm reading between the lines with all these issues you're having with her.

8 moms found this helpful

My DD is 11 and oh goodness! She'd let the mice and roaches in before voluntarily cleaning ANYTHING! It's up to us as parents to help and guide our children. At 6, your daughter has an attention span of about 10 minutes. Give her a break. I know that you're stressed, but please try to be more patient with her. She's only 6.

7 moms found this helpful

Wow, just reading this makes me want to go chop my hair off... She's 6 for godsakes.... Don't you think she's feeling the stress that you are, too??

6 moms found this helpful

It is her hair, perhaps she wants it different than you but you aren't accepting that? My daughter kept cutting her hair because she wanted bangs and I kept telling her you don't want bangs. Well she got them and hates them and now they have grown out and she is almost 11. If girls don't like the style you pick they will do something about it.

Her room is again her room, the condition only reflects her, not you. So far as packing goes she will have no one but herself to blame if she doesn't get it packed.

I think you need to chill. It really sounds like you are stressed from the moving and her going away and needing to stay on your schedule. Problem is you are taking your stress out on her and she is pushing back. Kids have a lot more energy than adults, in the battle of wills they will always win. We have the advantage with wisdom, use that.

5 moms found this helpful

My 6 year old can't ever find her shoes! What's crazy is that we have a special shelf right by the door especially for shoes! It's a hunt every morning. I totally sympathize with you. I agree she can do the stuff you are asking. I teach 6 & 7 year olds and know what they are capable of. My dd can tell you where her shoes are supposed to be and will even go there to get them. It's the putting them there that's the problem. The kids in my class can not ever find their scissors ( some of them can); however, they all know they are supposed to be in their crayon boxes. It's the putting them there that's the problem. I think it's mostly the age, some personality, and a bit of testing boundaries. If you figure out how to solve it, lease let me know. Hang in there!

5 moms found this helpful

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