Please Help Seeking Advice/Opinion on a Difference My Hubby and I Are Having!

Hi M.,

DO NOT and I mean, DO NOT let him hang with her. My sister had the exact same situation. She allowed it, thinking that the woman would never start up with my brother in law because she had been a guest numerous times in my sister's home (yes, my sister cooked for this woman and even had her as an overnight guest)! Very gradually my brother in law was going on business trips more and more often and finally he told my sister he was staying at his alma mater's club in NYC because of a dinner meeting and a breakfast meeting. One night she asked me to call to see if he was a guest there and lo and behold he wasn't. I hired her a detective to spy on him and he was absolutely having an affair (she didn't even have access to funds to hire someone without him being alerted to it!).

Now they are divorced and she is much happier, but it was absolute HELL for a long time.

Is this woman single or married or divorced? Is she attractive? This should be a red flag to you that something is up... please be very very wary!!!!

P. P

M.,

When you married there are boundaries to the types of relationships you can have with a member of the opposit sex. The type of relationship you're describing is NOT appropriate. If he sees her at work, or goes out with a group of co-workers that should be enough. There is absolutely NO reason for hubby to be seeing her alone.

It sounds like you've already done the sensible thing like taking the time to meet her, calmly discussing your feelings with hubby, and agreeing that you, hubby, her and her boyfriend can go out as a group. It sounds like you may not be able to avoid a "fight" at this point, but remember the important things are worth fighting for. Try to keep the lines of communication open and make sure he knows that you're not comfortable with this new relationship.

dear M.,

first off flirty or not, there is no reason a SINGLE female needs to enjoy ALONE time with your married husband.

What do they have in common,
Are they planning to share intimate secrets,
does he plan to ask for marital advice?
will they share stories about the kids?

If she were a male and single it would still make me wary
A single male cannot understand what being married is all about, he is only familiar with single life, single experiences, and those of the typical bachelor, bachelors do not understand boudaries. nor does it apply to them.

that being said, I would also explain to my husband that I trust him, however I am not a fool.

for you to accept his intimate personal relationship , with a single male friend would be to expose your husband to the lifestyle, its like dangling a piece of chicken infront of a hungry man, saying MMMmm doesn't it look good, and you can have as much as you like with no responsibilities. just be single again.

When it comes to a female friend, well this is simply ridiculous. and absurd for him to even suggest this as acceptable;

Explain it to him from this angle.

ask him if he would EVER consider leaving his children alone in a room with a pedophile?(no its too risky)

Ask him if he would ever put his children in situation where they could possibly get hurt?( no i love them of course not)

Ask him WHY he would never do these things.
( because they would get seriously hurt and its my job to protect them and this family)
After he explains himself,

explain to him you feel the same way, and you feel this will hurt your little family, that you love and want to protect.

then ask him what he gets out of his relationship with this girl?

And then explain that those intimacies are things that he should be sharing with his wife.

if its not intimacies then why can't he share it with his GUY friends? What makes her so special.

Tell him you trust him, but he is not made of steel.
and accidents happen, while out drinking, and partying up things Happen, he knows it, and you know it,
and he is creating a situation which will put your family in jeapordy.

he is married, and has a responsibility to you and your daughters.

he needs to realize that a man and woman out on the town together is called DATING.
Dating is a relationship.
IT is not a friendship.

Anything he shares with this woman should be shared with his partner, his best friend, his lover-- YOU>!!

And If it were me I would share my feelings with this woman.

Last little bit,

It is not insecurity to feel this woman is a threat to your family, its the only sensible conclusion to be drawn.

this is how affairs begin.

and him giving you the fore knowledge of his dating escapade in advance is NOT his way of being respectful towards you, its his OUT CLAUSE, for when he gets caught,

so he can say but I told you and you said it was ok,
so this way he doesn't have to feel guilty WHEN something happens.

When people cheat on their spouses, it occurs when a spouse bonds with a person of the opposite sex.

And frankly its an insult for him to suggest that you have no say so in who he spends time with.

you are married not just friends, the relationship you both share is on a whole other level than that of his PALS.

your opinion should be the opinion he respects FIRST a fore most.

and for him to minimize it and trivialize it by acting like his opinion is the only one that matters is the behavior of a SINGLE MAN not one whom is Married.there are 2 people in this marriage, and you happen to be one of them. so you hold 50 percent of the vote.

You are supposed to be a team,

How does spending time with this woman help, improve, balance your relationship for the better?

IT DOESN'T and bottom line, he should realize that he is chosing this new friendship with this woman over your needs, and your families needs,

ask him if what ever it is he likes about her,
more important that what is right for your family.
right for your marriage.

IF so she must be very special, so special he will be taking risks with this family

and if not well then why would he put up such a fight to be able to spend time alone with the other woman.
if she isn't that important than why does he NEED to be ALONE with her.

No I am sorry, you have never given him a hard time about hanging with the guys.

this is something else all together,

you are not stupid, and not willing to just let your husband ruin what you have.

next thing you know he will be telling you it was an accident.
we got drunk and one thing led to another.

So sorry.

He is seeing this from a single mans mentality, he doesn't see the whole picture, he not only hurts you, he hurts the whole family.

the perspective of a couple is that of how it affect him and you, the perspective of whats best for the family includes how his daughters would see this.

how this relationship affects them,
hopefully they don't get husbands who want to spend intimate time with another female.

And if it were me, i would tell my husband thaqt if he has female friends he hangs out with ALONE, that you are going to go and make friends with some male friend and go out ALONE aswell,while he sits at home with the kids.

M

PS just read the responses,

THIS IS a NEW friend not an Old one, if it was an old one FINE, but its a new one.

Old friends have establish older bonds, that wouldn't effect your family, or really change the dynamic, however this woman has managed to weasel her way into your life, and is already wreaking havoc. Over time who knows where that could lead.

as for feelings and opinions, BOTH opinions matter,

since your 50 percent and he is the other 50 percent , let the KIDS be the tie breaker,
if he feels they shouldn't be involved, well then, you should have your answer.
Anything you can't tell your kids about later!!!!!1!

Hi Lisa.

I think your husband should respect your feelings. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he's only thinking of himself right now. Maybe he'd feel different if the shoe were on the other foot. Hmmm...? Have you asked him how he'd feel if the flirt were a MALE seeking to hang out with YOU? Whatever you do, please keep the communication open.

You have to trust your instincts. If you don't feel comfortable with it then don't allow it. Your husband has no business hanging out alone with a woman other then you. Men don't get it. He's sees nothing wrong with it because at this time he probably doesn't feel she's anything more then a friend. But spending time alone with you is most likely what made him see what he loves most about you. If he spends time alone with this other woman he's going to start to see things he really likes about her. Not because she's better then you, but she's new, and different. She doesn't have children tieing her down.

As an alternative tell him that when it is he feels he wants to spend time with her you'll get a sitter, and spend time with him. You can do all sorts of fun things together. You have to ask him how he would feel about you hanging out with a single man without him around. Pose every situation you can think of if necessary. My husband and I went rounds about a similar situation years ago. Only the woman was married, and there were other men around, but her husband lived several states away. My husband knew how I felt, and didn't care, but I can tell you this woman also knew how I felt because I made no secret of it. Make sure your husband knows just what kind of jeperdy he'll be putting his family in if he chooses to go out with this woman against your wishes.

It is not OK. Tell him if he wants to see her he can see her while you are there and that is it. (Along with what everyone else already said.)

With the exception of a bachelor party your husband should never go anywhere that you are not invited or cannot go because you are stuck with the kids. This includes hanging out ALONE with another woman. I don't know the situation that would end up with them alone (going out after work? meeting out on a Saturday night?) but I think it is wrong.

Tell him you are OK with having her to dinner, going out all THREE of you, etc, but not the TWO of them alone.

Whether something is going on between them or not (give him the benefit of the doubt- nothing is going on) he should respect what his wife feels over some new girl at work. He should respect what the mother of his children feels over a new friend of any gender.

Don't you just wish you could make men think the way we do for 10 minutes a day? We would have to explain so much less!

Well Michell all I can say is Mary K could not have said it any better, all the perfect and right questions to put to your husband knowing that he has 3 girls. Well done Mary K and M., if I were you I will try those advice but at the end of the day it is still your decission just make the right choice for your and the family. Good luck and keep strong.......

Tell him that its a two way street and if he feels comfortable hanging out with this "flirt", who obviously thinks its ok to hang out with a married man, then you will begin spending whatever free time you have hanging out with and having dinner with "Joe", his closest friend, "Joe" the mailmain, "Joe", the milkman or any other "Joe". I'll bet you that will put a different spin on things.

BTW, as a married couple, feel lucky that you can even hang out with "friends". Since you do have time, try to hang out with those with similar situations.

There is way too much pressure hanging out with anyone of the opposite sex in general, being married, makes for more pressure.

Don't make excuses for this bad behavior, he's just about asking for your permission to have an affair - after all we are just people, where there are people there are emotions, when those emotions involve the opposite sex, it gets real muddy.

Good luck to you and remain the fantasic mother and wife you seem to be!

PS -- Stop hanging out with the homewrecker.

Hey M.,
I definitely agree with you....there is NOOO reason for your hubby to hang out with this other women....alone...it doesnt matter if she is nice, or even a good friend to him....he is married....and if he gets mad at your response I would ask him why? Why is he getting upset over your feelings??? I know men sometimes dont know when a girl likes them, or is coming on to them...I have had this discussion with my hubby many times...they think its no big deal to just casually "hang out" with another woman...we as women do see a problem with that...and Im sure if the roles were reversed he wouldnt be too happy about you going out alone with another man...he NEEDS to understand this from your point of view and listen to how you feel...not get mad....We as woman know how manipulative other woman can be...and not for nothing but if he does hang out with her what does that really say about him and his marriage...not from your point of view or his but from "outsiders"....I hope I didnt sound harsh in anything I said...but I just feel that when you are in a marriage you are commited and there is no need to hang out with another woman...he is putting his marriage in jeopardy...Hope this helps...
Meg :)

My husband and I are extremely respectful of each other, thanks to a ton of marital counseling. We talk about everything, airing out any issues before they build resentment. It's been a long process, with a lot of work on both of our parts. We love and trust each other completely.

And we still don't believe in hanging out one on one with new friends of the opposite sex.

An old friend from school? Of course, go have a coffee. But a new friend, with a new dynamic? Why? It's not about you choosing his friends, it's about him reflecting, and thinking hard about WHY he wants this flirty female to be his good friend. (Good enough to hang out alone, right?) It makes you uncomfortable (HELLO? This matters!) and it makes him defensive (HELLO? Again, this matters!).

My husband used to feel the same way, early in our relationship. As we settled down, and worked through our issues, he began to feel very differently. Without a big change though, it can really drive a wedge between you two. I spent a lot of time feeling scared and disrespected before we got this resolved.

It's concerning that you've never had a fight, too! Are you communicating with each other? Telling each other what you really need and want? Disagreements are a natural part of a marriage, though strong anger and disrespect don't have to be. You've devoted your life to your family, raising his three children while loving and caring for him as well. The least he can do is listen to you, and respect something you feel so strongly about.

Good luck!

I have actually always had a lot of guy friends. My husband definitely found that a bit odd when we first started dating - he has no female friends and is definitely a guys guy. I think he may have even felt a bit threatened though he never said it outright. But he never pushed me to loose those friendships, and in fact I would have been very upset if my husband had tried to pressure me to loose touch with my guy friends.

Maybe consider the situation this way - how often would he be hanging out with this person? I am a mother of only 1, and I barely have time to see my friends female or male. Is it worth the fighting if this is someone who he only rarely hangs out with - especially if some of those times you're with him? Making it an issue (especially since in his eyes this an issue of his independence) may make her seem more interesting than she actually is.

I don't mean to imply that you don't have an issue here. I think every spouse needs to be respectful of their partner. I made sure that my husband has had many opportunities to meet with my guy friends and hang out with them. But at the same time, I enjoy time alone with my friends - male and female. It sounds as though you have met her, and maybe that was his way of showing you that she's ok.

It's tough to do, and I wonder how I would feel if my husband had a bunch of female friends. I'd like to think that because he is such a trustworthy person that I would be able to manage my jealousy. But I don't know. What I can share is that I've always appreciated it that my husband has given me the space to establish and maintain friendships, even if they weren't necessarily ones that he would have chosen for me.

Good luck whatever you do.

Your marraige is in danger if you don't have tough love and say to your husband-"No, this is inappropriate and I will not allow it", esp. since there is an attraction obviously. When I met my husband, who is now deceased,he had lost his first wife due to her car breaking down, and being driven to work by a male co-worker. Once you are wed, you should only have coworker friends of the opposite sex, and only go to functions where all the workers are together, never alone. You seem to get out with your hubby alot, keep doing these dates with him, and get that business going for yourself. But be firm and put your foot down, it is not appropriate for a married male to be hanging out with a female alone, except a relative.And that goes for Visa Versa.

I agree, I would not allow it either under the circumstances. Did you talk to him and let him know why you felt so uneasy about him and her alone? Mybe telling him that is is her you really do not trust. You have to be hionest about your feelings cause if you are not it will only lead to further problems. Just be adament in a nice way with him and hopefully if he is a decent man he will understand. Good Luck!