Please Help Me Settle This.....

Updated on March 20, 2011
S.J. asks from Cherryville, MO
83 answers

I posed a very similar question a while back and got some good responses, but I think I need to be more specific as this is a very big and recurring problem with DH and me. Before answering, please try to be nice in your responses, even if you disagree (which is FINE if you disagree, it is just a sore subject so please be gentle).

- DH and I both work full time at very mentally demanding jobs. Both positions require us to be mentally sharp all day.
- We have a new baby at home
- When I was on maternity leave, I got up with baby at every waking point. I was nursing and still am.
- Baby is now to the point where he wakes twice per night, 3 and 5:30 am, to eat.
- I get up with baby at the 3 am feeding alone, feed, burp, suck boogies, change, etc and put him back to sleep.
- at the 5:30 am wake, I oftentimes wake DH to help - I wake him to burp or change while I go pump. Baby never eats enough to give me relief at 5:30 feeding and if I don't pump I will be miserable at work for the first few hours. So.....
- When I wake DH, he gets very mad and curses at me, asking why in the *%&^ I am waking him if I am already up. I explain that I need some help and even if I am already up, he is dad too and should be helping. I do not think I should be the one up at each wake alone. It would be different if we both didn't work, but we do. Then, I come home and do the cooking and laundry and cleaning. I am so exhausted.

So, am I wrong for waking him? Please help us resolve this. We are really having a hard time with this issue.

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

I think he is being totally disrespectful and needs to be brought back down to earth....Raising children is a 2 parent responsibility breastfeeding or not.

6 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from San Francisco on

What does he expect from you? That is so sad that he is treating you like that. You don't have to do everything at home and go to work as well. He should be helping you, I can't believe he doesn't see that you need the help...
Therapy?

3 moms found this helpful
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M.!.

answers from Columbus on

When I worked, we alternated the feedings. Now that I stay home I do all feedings. My feelings are (if working) you both created baby so both need to help eachother with baby.

Good luck.

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J.F.

answers from Minneapolis on

Ummmmm, it's his kid too. You are 100% in the right.

If he refuses (that kills me) to help when you need help with the baby, then he needs to pitch in with more cleaning and cooking. That still isn't the best solution, but maybe it would be less work for you.

He should not only help, but be graceful while doing so.

I am a SAHM who works part time and I still need help with the kids from time to time in the middle of the night (getting medicine, finding that stupid pacifier, etc.) We have two kids and we each have a monitor at our heads. One for each kid. He gets the 3 year old (she wakes once in awhile with dreams) and I get the baby. Our marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. Our duties are split as equally as possible.

UPDATED:
I read this post to my husband tonight. His response, "She needs a new husband."

8 moms found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Theoretically--you're right. But MANY times theory is WAY different than reality!

OTHER than the NO baths, no poopie diapers and cursing at you in the middle of the night--how are things?

I would have stopped waking him up long ago--I would NOT want to deal with that in the wee hours of the morning.

The (sad) reality of motherhood is that fathers are not mothers. A *true* 50/50 parenting relationship is a rare jewel.

6 moms found this helpful
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S.E.

answers from La Crosse on

And your husband had a kid, why??? If he wasn't prepared to give up some things he should have zipped it, capped it, or snipped it...welcome to parenthood...it's all about sacrifices!

No one can help you solve it until your husband understands that you BOTH have a child, and you both are equally responsible for making it, taking care of it, and nuturing it. Nothing will chnage until he realizes that...and good luck finding a remedy for that.

You aren't wrong about wanting/needing help...but that isn't going to change him. I wish you luck - this is only the beginning.

4 moms found this helpful
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S.F.

answers from Utica on

Was this a planned pregnancy/baby? And if so was he as equally excited to welcome this new bundle to the househod and into your lives? I say if the answer is yes to these questions then you need to firmly tell him that just because you are the one who is breastfeeding does not mean that you are the only one to get up. I think he is being beyond ridiculous - seriously he doesnt change diapers (poopy or not) and doesnt help with bath time? Even if he does change he will be sorry in the end when this baby is grown up and self sufficient when he reliazes that you just cant get time back with your child because NOW its convenient for you. Who isnt grouchy when they first wake up? I think he just needs to suck it up and be an adult and better yet a parent and a husband.
Im sorry you are going thru this and I hope it gets better for you

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M.B.

answers from Milwaukee on

Wow I am so sorry you're going through this :( Why do men think they're so entitled? I would bet that the thought has never even crossed your mind that you don't want to be woken up at 3am OR 5:30am. Who does??!! Your husband is being a jerk and my heart goes out to you. I'm a SAHM and would be really upset and doubting the equity of our relationship if my DH didn't help me with nighttime diaper changes on the weekends. You're working full time AND being a full time mommy but you're not a single mom and he's making you one! Tell him you're going to quit your job if he won't split the work 50/50 at home. I hope things get better soon.

4 moms found this helpful

J.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

One day, when our baby was little, my SO was complaining about something regarding diapers or night time wakings or whatever. My FIL turns to him and asks "Oh did you have fun making that baby?" My SO just looked at him, and he said "Then don't complain when you have to take care of that baby."
It was pretty funny. He kind of had that "deer in the headlights look."
So no I don't think your wrong, and I don't think it's unreasonable. Our situation was he works and I was a sahm, as is he only gets about 4 hours of sleep a night, so I didn't wake him up a lot. Now on his days off, heck yes he got up with the baby. Now he didn't bathe her until she got older, but that was mostly out of fear. Even now at 2, when its his days off, he will wake up and watch cartoons with her and let me sleep.
Hopefully he realizes it takes two.
Good Luck!

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Nope -you absolutely SHOULD be waking him to help you. And NONONONO it would NOT be different if you stayed at home. You need help and marriage/parenting is a partnership. Plain and simple. Because my husband and I have a true partnership he woke up with our baby for at least one feeding every single night and I did not work. He loves me and knew that I needed sleep as well. Your husband is being incredibly selfish. So don't be nice to him about it, don't let him make you feel guilty, just be as matter of fact as you can-"hey-time to wake up now." Do NOT apologize. Let his griping go in one ear and out the next.

And he should be helping with the cooking/laundry/cleaning. Seriously-for all of the women out there who think it is so great that women work and how our fore-mothers paved the way and blah blah blah-more working women than not do ALL the housework in ADDITION to their outside job. How's that for equality huh? No thank you.

3 moms found this helpful

M.C.

answers from Pocatello on

It takes two to tango- and two to make a baby... sure, you are the one with the "milk"- but he needs to do his share too! There is NO SUCH THING as "women's work"... except for the few tasks men physically CANNOT do, like breastfeed and deliver a baby.

He needs to "man up" and start pulling his weight. Obviously he cannot breastfeed... but he can help out with diaper changes, clothing the baby, and soothing the baby while you get all set up to breastfeed. If you are giving him 3:00 am feedings "off" that is pretty generous.

Just because he "told you" not to wake him up, that doesn't mean you should have to agree... he is NOT your father, he is your husband! He is your partner in life, and he needs to step up!

I am a stay at home mom, so i give my husband a little bit of leniency... I don't expect him to come home and do laundry, or clean house or cook... but when he is home he does every-other diaper, and every-other "baby issue" is his to deal with. Now that I am pregnant he actually has picked up more of the "slack" since some things are hard for me to do with my two year old, and when baby comes, naturally I might be doing more for a while so it will even out... but being a couple means sharing the load!

I used to joke around to my husband when he didn't want to lug the carseat or carry the baby when we were "out and about" that I carried her for 9 months, so he gets to "carry" her for 9 months... (no, he didn't carry her literally ALL the time for 9 months, the the point is the same)- Husbands don't just get to have the "fun parts" of being a parent... they get an equal share in the bleary-eyed, exhausting, stinky, un-fun parts too!

Good Luck!
-M.

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L.S.

answers from Spokane on

What time is his 'normal' wake up time that 5:30 is such an unGodly hour to help with his baby?

I think you just need to explain to him that you need help at 5:30.

If he's still stubborn about it, then when you get home from work just tend to you and the baby. Make YOUR dinner, do YOUR laundry and leave HIS for him to take care of. If he says anything about it, just respond with "well, I'm so tired from being up at 5:30 by MYSELF that I just can't handle doing your stuff right now." That might make him re-think helping you out.

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G.W.

answers from Orlando on

awww S., this just makes me sad and makes me feel so much more appreciative of my husband...our babies are 12 and 5 now but when the younger two were born (twins), my husband gave up tons of sleep that first four months despite the fact he worked a full time very demanding job and I was a SAHM and not once did he ever complain about it...bottom line, your husband is being selfish selfish selfish...the night time feedings are only temporary and with the right training very soon, you will all three be sleeping through the night. Marriage and parenthood is about sacrificing our own comforts to help the ones we are supposed to love the most, I hope your husband will have a chance to read some of these responses and see that it is his duty as your helpmate to get you through these challenging early morning feedings.

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J.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

I haven't read the responses, but it sound like your husband needs to go to bed earlier.

You are in the right and he is wrong.

There is no excuse for foul language at 5:30 in the morning.
He needs to suck it up. This will only last for a few months. He can help.

Jessica

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E.L.

answers from Reno on

I agree with Michelle R. He can go make more money and you can stay home and take care of everything under the sun. (which we all practically do REGAURDLESS!) It is his baby to. Even if you woke him simply for SUPPORT he should help. AND your waking him for a 5:30 feeding... which is practically morning! After he helps with the baby, have him go make you some breakfast!!!

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S.R.

answers from Phoenix on

I haven't read everything but if you are asking him to get up at 5:30am then he should. He needs to go to bed early enough and make that his wake up time. Then he could do whatever he needs to do in the morning to get ready for work, whatever. You are already getting up at 3 and 5:30. Pumping is a lot of work and he should be thankful you are breastfeeding giving your baby the best and saving money!

Also he needs to be bathing the baby at night or rotate nights. While one is bathing one needs to be cleaning up from dinner, laundry, etc

Good luck.

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T.F.

answers from San Francisco on

'but he feels justified because he has "told me" before that he shouldn't be woken up.' UUHHH, So many sarcastic things come to mind on this, Such as, "Tell it to the Baby" I would have a hard time with this and am wondering if this is the only area of your marriage he is this way, sounds not with the diapers and baths. How about marriage counseling or flat out leaving him with the baby, dropping off bottles for him to feed the baby day and night for a weekend?

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M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Your hubby needs to wake up too sometimes and HELP you! Unfortunately, you are not alone. Alot of women are in this situation too. The only way to get past it is to sit down with him when you are both not exausted--like a good time would be lunch /dinner when things are quiet etc. Tell him that you need help. You need him to help you. Have a list of things that you do daily and ask him what things he can help you with so you don't have to take on everything by yourself. You both are working and have a baby. HE needs to pitch in and help. You are a team and he is Not living up to his end of the deal. Best wishes and let us know what happens!

Molly

3 moms found this helpful

H.X.

answers from Los Angeles on

If you need to pump, you need a buddy. If you both work, then you both need to equally share in the parenting and house hold. Its the least he can do. Tell your husband this: I didn't work and my husband did, even so, during the phase when I had to pump, he woke up with me to tag team it. Sorry you married an A-- H---. and please please please, let him read your post and the responses.
After reading the responses of a minority of woman who also think its unnecessary to wake husband "because you are up anyways", they clearly never had to pump at 5:30. When you pump you don't even have hands to handle baby and it adds that much more to your getting ready routine. Again I say, its the least he can do.

3 moms found this helpful

L.M.

answers from New York on

Sweetie, you need someone to sit with the two of you, whom your husband likes and will respect, such as maybe a friend or someone at your church etc who can teach him how to compromise, and work out sharing responsibilities. Maybe another dad? I am sorry you are having to go through this. You are 110% in the right, and he is 1000% wrong here. I am not just saying that because I am a woman and automatically trashing men. It is simply not fair. I have always worked only part time since we had kids, used to be 2 days, now 3, and we are now having baby #3 and from the get-go, my DH has been completely hands-on, getting up at night whenever needed, changing diapers etc. I stopped nursing #1 early and so he usually did the bottle feedings at night. He told me he was disappointed that I nursed our second daughter longer, because he missed out on that special night time bonding when he would feed our first.
Anyways...fighting will only make it worse. You need some really nice helpful friend to sit down with either just him or the two of you and help work this out. That's my opinion. Of course you don't want something like this to screw up your marriage! And it doesn't have to. Good luck! Update us if you don't mind :-)

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A.F.

answers from St. Cloud on

No, you are most definitely not wrong. My husband is still willing to help in the middle of the night, and I'm a SAHM.

It's time for a daddy reality check! You can also address helping around the house. Oh, and definitely address HOW he is speaking to you. There is no excuse for him to curse at you when you need his help.

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L.D.

answers from Las Vegas on

You are not wrong. Even if you were a SAHM, I still think it's important for fathers to be engaged in the care and feeding of their children as well. Sounds like he is not a good waker-uper. I would suggest that he needs to adjust his sleep schedule so that both of you can arrive at work bright eyed and bushy tailed, not just him.

I hope that you can resolve this soon.

ADDED: Just read your SWH. It doesn't sound good. I don't think you can change him. I think that if you want to achieve a happy medium in your relationship, then you need to barter what he will do with what he won't do so that the two of you can get your needs met. I'm really not liking it though that he is so inflexible.

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J.C.

answers from Lincoln on

The question here isn't really "should" hubby be woken up, or "should" he be more helpful. That is unfortunately, irrelevant.
He is angry and mean when woken up in the middle of the night, so stop waking him. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. But we all make sacrifices for our children, and like it or not the mother is the one who makes the most time/sleep/chore sacrifices. No matter the work situation. Its not fair, but its what is. So we deal with it.
Talk to your husband, tell him you won't wake him for night feedings anymore, but that means you will need him to help with dinner/laundry/dishes/ so that you can take a nap after work. I doubt your husband is a bad man or totally unreasonable. Some men just don't do diapers or baths or midnight feedings, praise God He gave children two parents.

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J.G.

answers from San Antonio on

Hmm. Well I read other responses but I would have to agree most with Brenna. Do you NEED his help at 5:30? Or could you nurse fine without him? I would guess that, like most of us who remember nursing early early in the morning, you just don't want to suffer alone, so you want your husband to suffer with you and show some darn empathy for all that you do.

I think from the guy's point of view, you have the boobs with the milk, so you need to get up. What is he going to do? Guy pov: Change a diaper while you stand and watch and probably nag or critique the way he does it wrong.

I can't say that his reaction is appropriate. Sounds like he could be a long-lost cousin/brother of my husband. The angriness and cussing is very rude. Tell him what sort of reaction would be better. If my husband grunted, rolled over, and said nothing would make me just as mad as if he'd cussed. So tell him what behavior is okay and not okay in your book.

My husband did not change diapers, did not wake in the middle of the night, and when I wanted him to feed a bottle to the baby, he'd change the subject (no matter the hour of the feeding). The only difference with us, is that I was able to stay home.

So final thought: Tell your husband that you are miserable and exhausted. Tell him that you need his help. Make a list together of the things that need to be done around the house (since you both work, the house-stuff should be shared). Split the list up. "One feeding for you, one feeding for me, one wash-type-activity for me, one washing activity for you..." If this doesn't work, try the old "toss a coin" or "rock-paper-scissors" on who gets to change the next diaper or who gets to put the laundry in the dryer or who gets to fold the laundry or who gets to pack the dishwasher.

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M.F.

answers from Phoenix on

Absolutely not wrong to ask for/expect help caring for your baby. My husband and I had an understanding as soon as our daughter was born, even while I was on maternity leave, that we would wake up together for night feedings. He got up and changed her while I got the burb rag and boppy all set and found something tolerable on tv, he brought her back into the bedroom and sometimes dozed while I fed her, then he'd burp her and put her back in bed. We figured we made her together and so we cared for her together. It can be really lonely in the middle if the night when you're tired and it shouldn't be something you have to do alone. I would talk to your husband in the daylight and let him know how you feel and that things need to change. If he is still reacting with anger or refuses to listen, you may need to seek counseling or stop playing nice. Good luck!

You posted your "What Happened" as I was posting my answer, so I just wanted to add some things...
If he maintains the attitude of refusing to participate in certain areas of baby care (night feedings, poop, baths), not only will the list get longer and you end up doing more and more on your own, but yes it will damage your marriage. If you have to do everything on your own plus deal with his angry attitude when you do ask him to help, there will come a time when there's no benefit to having him around. Lay it all on the line now, tell him that you expect him to pull his weight and that means not refusing tasks he finds unpleasant. You don't get to pick and choose what you will and will not do and neither does he. Seek counseling to work through this now before it gets worse.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

**ADDING THIS: Have your Husband, read all of your responses.
AND, your baby is the 'child.' NOT him.

HE is a "Dad" now... he does not seem to get that idea.
He has to grow-up.
AND he is also, a Husband. Husbands... have a role and responsibility too. You did not have this baby, on your own.

His "anger" problem... is a problem. He ain't a Teenager.
Tell him to get a grip.
NOT fair.
He is taking out his frustrations on you.
------------------------------

No you are not wrong.

HE is a Daddy now, this is how it is.
A Daddy, cannot 'choose' when to be there for his child or not.
Once a parent, you are ALWAYS there for your child.

Keep in mind, sleep patterns always changes. Sleep patterns are not static or permanent. And many phases/developmental phases, will occur, in a baby and child. THROUGHOUT, childhood.

Your Husband, needs to be, a parent, too.
No matter what time it is.
Kids do not work that way.
AND he is a PART of the home and household and a Daddy and a Husband. ALL of this, requires him to step-up, and be there for EVERYONE. Too.
He is not single nor a renter nor does he have maid service.

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A.H.

answers from Tulsa on

I do agree with your husband that I don't see the need for both of you to be up at 5:30. However, I agree with you on the rest of the points. He needs to help with other aspects of the baby and help out around the house, if he isn't doing so already. And he definitely doesn't need to be so angry.

Have you tried feeding the baby on one breast while pumping simultaneously on the other breast? That might save you some time in the morning and he wouldn't need to be woken up. Or try getting a hands free pumping bra. You might could do some simple things (folding laundry, paying bills, etc) while pumping and that would give you extra time in the evening and you could go to bed earlier. The night feedings eventually go away, so hang in there.

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R.M.

answers from Cumberland on

You're not wrong to wake him to help with the baby-and some people don't awaken well-if I wake up at 6 AM I will feel fine-if you wake me at 5:55 AM-I will find it insufferable! It's a shame we don't talk about all this stuff before we're right in the mix. Like-"By the way-where do you stand on getting up with the baby at 5:30 am"? Remind him that It doesn't last forever..you got guts, Kiddo! Good luck!

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L.K.

answers from Boise on

Tell your husband (from me!) it's time to grow up! With a family comes responsibility....he's being completely selfish and immature.

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K.P.

answers from New York on

Yes, if he has already told you not to wake him up, he's going to be annoyed.

However, if you are both working & parenting then you need to share the roles more equally.

We found that rotating "nights", not "wakings" was the best system for us. I would get up with the baby (no matter how many times) and the next night, he would. I pumped regularly so that my husband could feed our son when he woke up. This meant that only one of us was sleep-deprived at a time.

Honestly, if you are going to continue to get up too, it doesn't make sense to have two of you awake. What are you each doing and do you really need help? My guess is that you don't really "need help", but you resent being the only one awake.

Suggest a rotation and see what happens!

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H.L.

answers from New York on

You're not wrong but it seems like there should be a better solution than both of you getting up at 5:30. I always had my husband in a separate bedroom when I was up feeding our daughters bc I thought it was silly for us both to get up. (And we both work full time). I wanted him to take over completely other times. For instance, my husband did do a very late feeding ie: 11pm or 11:30pm. Then he got to sleep as long as he wanted. I went to bed when the baby did and I think I was often up at 5:30 but at least I was in bed early. And enlist your husband's help in other ways so you can go to bed earlier. I think it's very unfair if you outline on paper the # of hours a day you are "on duty" whether it be work, cleaning, cooking, feeding etc and it's way more than your husband's. You should be able to divide and conquer. I still did more and do to this day which can piss me off beyond belief but you could get it more balanced. Actually writing it on paper has helped my husband see how unfair things are sometimes. Plus on weekends, your husband could step up more so you can catch up on sleep. I napped all the time on weekends those early years. Finally, a 3:00 feeding and 5:30am feeding at what I assume is 3 months or older seems a bit too often. I remember my second waking up at 5:30 and maybe she was older but I did let her cry and it reset it to more like 6:30. She had a middle of the night feeding too so she didn't need another one 2 hours later.

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K.P.

answers from Seattle on

I am sorry that this is happening. Seems to be a man thing. My husband and I had this very problem for a bit too. He didnt understand how physically demanding and draining it is to nurse. You need to get rest too, nursing and taking care of a new baby is a job in itself and you need help. Why should he be the only one able to get a full nights sleep? It just isnt fair, and it is wrong of him to expect you to do it all by yourself. You didnt decide, and make this baby on your own so why does he expect you to take on the responsibilty by yourself? Just doesnt work like that. Just like a marrige, it takes comprimise, and team work to raise a child. Especially at the early stages. You need to get rest too, to be able to continue to do what you do.

Waking him one time at night for a half hour or less, to burp, and change a diaper is easy. He is getting off easy. You could wake him every time you do, and have him change all the diapers, but being the loving wife you are you only wake him when you need real help. He needs to be a loving husband and see it from your point of view and not jump to be mean, and verbally abusive to you when he should be helping you out.

You say you do the laundry. Does he realize that you are doing it, and that his clean clothes dont just magically appear in his drawers? No, you do it, and you feed him etc.

He could have it so much worse. He could do what you do on a daily basis. So he needs to have a little more compassion for his wife, seeings how your body needs time to recoup, from pregnancy, birth, now nursing, and a full time draining job, then home to cook, clean, and so on and so forth.

Sit down and have a heart to heart, and let him know that you just need a little help, and that he could be a little kinder towards you. Dont say you dont do, and I do everything, just say honey, I feel.... and go from there.

I hope this works out for you, and that you get some rest. Hang in there!

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

I completely disagree with the way he is talking to you and the fact that he won't change poopy diapers or bathe the baby (that really isn't fair, what is this the 1950's?! Did you know he felt this way before you had the baby?) However, I do agree that it is crazy for both of you to be up at the same time with the baby either at 3 or at 5:30. A feeding/changing only needs to be a one person at a time job. At least one of you should be sleeping. So I see his point if you are already up, it really doesn't make sense to wake him up. However, it would be fair of him to be the one responsible for waking up feeding/changing on some nights and letting you sleep. First of all, talk to your pediatrician about how often your baby needs to be waking to eat at night. You don't say how old or how much he weighs, but I would not be surprised if you will be advised to start dropping night feedings. Our pediatrician told me that after a time, babies wake to eat at night out of habit, not out of necessity, and the night feeding should be dropped. I can't remember what age or weight she said we should stop. See what your pediatrician says. If you still need a night feeding, at least try to come up with a schedule between you and DH that you can agree on. When the scheduled one is on baby duty, the other one of you should get fully uninterrupted sleep. I would look at it that as long as your up to pump, let DH get his sleep. But he should agree to take on something else that gives you a sleep or a rest break. You are a parenting team, give and take.

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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Nope! Daddy needs to get up too!! My best friend and I often joke that whoever said "Breast is Best" must be a man b/c he didn't want to get up at night--lol!

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

Not only are you NOT wrong (in my opinion), but even if you didn't work I think it would be okay to wake him. Trust me, even if you were at home you would be exhausted.

Talk to your husband when he is rested and NOT hungry. When you wake him he is probably cranky and barely coherent. Most men just don't wake up like we Mom's do to the sound of a crying baby.

I'd further ask who is doing the laundry, cooking, etc... See how you can make things a bit more even.

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J.K.

answers from Sacramento on

Sorry Dad... you're part of the team. It's totally and completely inappropriate for him to be swearing at you. I don't care if he's hibernating.
In general I feel like men have a harder time waking up like this... the aren't made the way we are and don't get the hormone releases that we do. However he should be grateful that the baby only wakes 2 times per night and he's getting to sleep until 5:30.
And the poopy diaper and bath thing? What's that about? The sad truth about his lack of involvement is that it could cause the baby to not be as bonded to him. It makes sense to me that the more time spent doing every day tasks with little ones equals a closer relationship.
I would have a talk with him when you both are not exhausted and find out how to come to a compromise. It sounds like in addition to working full-time and caring for the baby, you have all of the other household responsibilities too. It's not the 50's anymore.

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B.M.

answers from Chicago on

Well, I see your point. But I agree with your hubs - let me tell you why.

When I had a newborn it used to totally IRK me when my ex would wake me up to 'help' because if he was already up at least I could get some sleep. I wasn't getting a full night and so any sleep I got was precious.

Here is my suggestion...... split the night.
You wean him off the breast for the 5:30 feeding and dad gets up ALONE and gives him a bottle and does anything else that needs to be done. You take the 3am feeding. then you can sleep until it's time to get up to start the day.

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M.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Obviously he is not helpful at this hour and it is causing issues. I would stop waking him up and get help in another way. Hire someone to come for an hour every night and do dishes and fold laundry so you can go to bed early. You can't do everything. You are nursing so obviously the feeding is going to fall to you. Take something else off your plate. And if your husband is nasty about it just stop doing his laundry and cooking his dinner. I mean if you have to fend for yourself so can he. He is a big boy. There is really no excuse for his behavior. My husband is a Marine and works extremely demanding hours but he has never complained if I've needed help. He is up for work by 4:45 am every day and works out twice a day - never home before 7pm. He is TIRED! But if he heard our girls before I did he would sneak in to change them and then bring them into me to feed or give them a bottle himself if had some pumped. And i'm a SAHM! I don't expect every Dad to be that helpful but he could at least not curse at you or offer help in another way. If he can't help with the house and baby then I would tell him I'm staying home and he can figure out how to make the extra money and make the new budget work. It's not worth it to run yourself ragged. You will end up bitter. So basically something has to give: he has to help you, you have to hire help, or the job has to go. Or you could give up your sanity eventually I guess. But those are the basic options. Pick one.

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H.N.

answers from Biloxi on

you have gotten many responses and i havent read throught them all... just wanted to add my 2 cents! my husband and i have 4 kids.. this is what we did
kid 1- we both worked so we rotated every other night who would wake up with him.

Kid 2 and 3 (twins)- i worked, he stayed home with all 3 but we both woke up for all feedings cuz well... we had 2 kids to feed.

kid 4- i stayed at home and he works so i get up for all the feedings

NOW i pumped so he could feed the baby when he did his night, or to feed his twin... so my advise would be to either pump and dont wake up at 530 so he has no excuse to not get up. Now if you have to actually breast feed then make him get up and change the baby and give the baby to you while you lay in bed and feed him...

I am a little curious as to what time he naturally wakes up to go to work? 530 doesnt seem like it would be too far off from when you would need to get up to go to a job with traditional hours... at least not enough for him to make that big of a fuss about. And heck, if the 530 is bothering him that much offer him the 3am feeding. It may work better for him to be able to get it over with and then have plenty of time to go back to sleep for a while before waking....

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A.L.

answers from Terre Haute on

Well, I have to say I was in a very similar boat with my first baby. My husband did absolutely NOTHING. I mean - nothing. And he would get PISSED if I tried to get him to do something. I had never planned on having kids. My husband was the one who wanted kids, and said it was what he had wanted for years. He and his ex-wife tried everything for 4 years to have a kid to no avail, so I decided that if this was what he had always wanted then I would do it for him. I got pregnant the first month with tried. Next thing you know, the baby gets here and he doesn't do anything. I told him, "You asked me to make a baby with you... you didn't ask me to have your kid and raise it for you." It didn't make a difference and he reacted the same way your husband does - very meanly. I imagine he is trying to make you feel guilty - and it's probably working. That's what he did to me. I did all the housework and cooking too, and did the feeding the baby and pumping thing all night too. It is BEYOND tired. What I figured out was you can't let them get away with it. I decided that even if it did hurt my marriage I did not deserve to be treated like that. With the second one I am MAKING him do things. Now, we have had a lot of growth in our relationship between the 2 kids, but he will still try to not do things, and still will mope and complain when I make him. But I MAKE HIM. One of his "jobs" is to do the bottles before bed. My husband is in the Army, and had a PT test this morning. It was 9:30 last night and I reminded him about the bottles and he asked me if I would do them so that "he could relax for tomorrow." NOPE BUDDY! I made him do them. He was crappy with me the rest of the night, but over it in the morning. And what do you know! He passed his PT test with flying colors! I made sure I said, "Just think of how well you would have done if you hadn't done the bottles!!!" LOL Your husband needs to grow up, and have RESPECT for you AND your baby. YOU ARE NOT WRONG! HE IS!

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M.R.

answers from Rochester on

I'm not really reading the other responses, but my husband and I both worked full-time with our first two kids and I was in school part-time and never woke him up. It would never have occurred to me to do so. I was due with our third yesterday and will be going back to work after 8 weeks and will probably do the same routine. I never found that burping took any extra effort after nursing the baby and it would seem silly to me to wake him up on principle. I curse to myself (quietly) some nights when my toddler or 4-year-old wake me up from a dead sleep, too, so he probably can't completely control that unless he normally reacts to you with anger and cursing. If you're nursing it doesn't make sense for him to feed the baby since you would have to wake up and pump at the same time anyway, which again is counter-productive. My husband rarely bathed the boys as babies but does handle diapers. He works evenings so we both work full-time, watch the boys full-time alone, and just try to maximize our sleep, which is laughable at best.

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K.N.

answers from Boston on

Stick to your guns -- nicely, and with consideration, but stick to 'em. When my girls were babies I didn't and, almost twenty years later, I'm still the primary parent responsible for college visits, doctor's appointments, most discipline issues, school communication and more. I should have spoken up about those late night feedings.

A couple of ideas: pump enough for a bottle at 5:30. That way, you don't have to be "already up" and DH can take care of the entire situation himself. Especially if your little one doesn't take a lot at 5:30, pumping enough shouldn't be terrible. You, then, can get up about 20 minutes earlier than usual for work, pump enough for your comfort and to stock that next morning's 5:30 feeding.

Another idea: a mom's night out or -- even better -- an overnight. If you're not there, DH is going to have to figure out how to change a diaper and feed a child all by himself. And if you're not there to "help" or fall back on, he'll have no choice.

Hang in there. I know it's a fine line between sticking to your guns and the compromise needed in a marriage; walk it carefully -- but walk it. THere should be parity in all marriages but especially in one where both partners work outside of the home, a balance inside that same home is essential. Traditional roles are not valid in that situation.

Hug to you...

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J.K.

answers from Gainesville on

Yes he's being a total jackass.
But how about approaching it a different way? What would YOU need in order to make it OK for YOU to do the 3 am and the 5:30 am wake-ups? I am NOT excusing his deplorable behavior, but maybe there's an exchange that can work.
Would it give you the break you need if he did the cooking and after-dinner cleanup or last feeding of the night and you went to bed early?
I'm thinking that if you let him know that if he can't get up to help at 5:30 then he needs to do X so you can do it by yourself, maybe he would either do that or change his tune. And part of doing X is dealing with poopy diapers. I end up with most of them myself, but my husband, although he doesn't enjoy it, has NEVER refused to do them.
If he isn't willing to even entertain a discussion, then you really need counseling, because he is being DEEPLY disrespectful of you. I think you might need it anyway, because his cursing at you is never OK, and his refusal to help with baths or poopy diapers is NOT OK either.

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M.G.

answers from Chicago on

You are absolutely right in waking him up! Just because you are the source of food doesn't mean he skips out on night (or early morning) duty. If you were bottle feeding, would he be more likely to wake up? Probably not. If it were my husband I would wake him up every morning so I could pump. Just remind him of all the money you're saving by "working" your second job and breastfeeding. How much money did he save today?

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L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello,
While I was on maternity leave for four months, I was the primary care-giver to our newborn at night time. I was also nursing. When I returned to work, I continued nursing and we began co-sleeping so that I could easily go back to sleep (ha! in theory). Anyway, after going back to work, hubby then took over the changing of the diaper after each nursing session (nursing = immediate poop!). "Nighttime parenting" really needs to be shared by both parents if they both work full-time. I mean, that's only fair, right?

Oh, and the cursing you out? TOTALLY unacceptable!!!

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T.C.

answers from Dallas on

S.,

I have not read all of the responses - so forgive me if I overlap here....

I had the same issue. I had the demanding job - he did not. He was a sleep junkie. I would never wake him up before we had kids because he would get so pissed. I did it all. Kids, cleaning, cooking. With my second child - I had to send to day care because he did not want to get up in the mornings to take care of the kidd-o (he was unemployeed at the time). He would sleep while I was at work and kids at school/daycare and be on the computer all night. It got to be too much. Needless to say - we are divorced - after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids. I have a very hard time asking for help because of this experience. Even in the relationship I am in now - it is very hard for me to ask for help. If you don't mind getting up in the night - do that and "let" him do the laundry and dinner etc. while being the dad to the kid so you can rest. If that won't fly with him - ask him which feeding shift he wants. Moms are really not super moms. We are plain 'ole people, too.

Bless you.

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R.L.

answers from Roanoke on

You are absolutely NOT wrong for getting him up. It's his baby too. If you were a stay at home mom, I could see it differently, but in the situation you describe here, he needs to get up and chip in. Period.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Not at all. He needs to man up and stop his bitching, it is his child too. You are nicer than I would be, since baby takes a bottle I would pump and have him doing the 3 am feeding every other night as well.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

My DH isn't the most happy person at 4AM but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the father to sometimes help out. He may not think he's needed, but apparently he is if you are asking for his help. I would talk to him when he's awake about your needs and your child's needs and remind him that you are up at 3AM alone. If he's not aware of what a chore pumping is, maybe enlighten him. All the hookup, etc.

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C.F.

answers from Duluth on

I see you have a lot of responses, so I am only going to respond to the bath time issue. My husband and I have always bathed our son together, my husband gets in the shower first and washes, then I pass him the baby. While he's holding my son, I wash my son from outside the shower. Yes, I get my right leg soaked every time but it's a way that daddy can help too AND it's a great bonding experience for your little one to be touching skin to skin (or hairy chest haha) with their dad. Maybe bring that up as an option.

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M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

I don't think you are out of line. I would tell him that he created the baby just as much as you did, and he can pick if he wants to help at 3 or 5:30....

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A.S.

answers from Spokane on

With you both working, he certainly should be helping out more. With my first, I wasn't working and I felt that I could sleep in easier than my husband so I only woke him up once in a while. He was aggravated, sure, but he also knew it was part of his responsibility. Things change when a little one arrives on the scene and it can be hard, as well as scary, dealing with it if you're not communicating. (We learned that the hard way and we almost split up over it too.)

However, once he went back to school and his schedule changed, he actually started helping out more and we alternated when we got up with them. When our youngest was born, she co-slept so it was easy to nurse her but he usually got up with her after nursing to change her diapers. And he was the one to give them their baths.

Have you talked to him about why he doesn't want to help with certain things? Is it because how he was raised? Could he be scared he might hurt your little one (that was one of my husbands hang ups and it took me forever to get that out of him)? Anyway, sit him down and have him talk about it. Maybe even have a family member or close friend watch your little one while you talk so you won't be distracted and you can focus completely on each other. Good luck! And big hugs.

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A.G.

answers from Atlanta on

Just a thought, I have a very close friend who has a beautiful 5 year old. When she was born, both parents were working full time, and the mother's job was mentally demanding (accounting at a large private school) and the husband's was physically and mentally demanding (he was an electrician, both commercial and residential). She breastfed exclusively for the first year. The father did not ever get up with the baby, did not bathe her, and did not change a diaper for as long as she was in diapers. After several "discussions" (Not really to the level of fights), he finally owned up to not being comfortable with bathing her and changing her because he wasn't completely sure what to do. His wife had a child from a previous marriage, but he had never really been around an infant. Perhaps his anger is coming from a place of uncertainty or fear, rathter than just unwillingness. As the baby gets older, he may become increasingly comfortable around your child and become more hands on. We don't exactly live in a society that encourages men to learn all about or become caregivers to babies. I don't know your finances, but maybe finding someone to come clean once a week or every other week, or to prepare a couple of meals, would give you a rest.

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M.L.

answers from Saginaw on

OMG. I a so sorry that you are going through this, and I am also sorry that some people out here on tis forum can be so judgeental, and just down right mean in their responses. I mean, for real? Does it make them feel better to chew someone out or say something snipey and nasty just for them to up theselves. I have seen some of them out there, and tothem now, I say :
"Grow the hell up"
Now to your qstion. I went through a similar situation with all of my kids, and my husband, although he never swore at me. But there is a diference, I am aSAHM. still is a lot of work. Ijust evetually had to acceapt it, some men, just do not help with the baby rearing. You have to decieor yourself if you are willing to acceapt it. I did. And before I did, I was very resentfulf him. But then I relizd he wan't going to changed, and in all honesty, IOi knew thisabout him before we got married, so that is what did. I hope thatthi work out for you, and was helpfu.
Good luck!~

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C.B.

answers from Kansas City on

men are big babies. corner him and make him discuss it. just tell him plainly, you need to help me more. do you want to be up at 5:30 when "I" am, or do you want the 3 am feeding? (you can pump and have a bottle waiting for him, right?) either that, or ask him very clearly, "honey, i have had a terrible day, would you please start dinner/move the laundry/change the baby/etc" don't take his whining and moaning, just act like his mother and be firm. good practice for when little one gets older :)

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R.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

he is the dad he needs to help. My hubby was the same way with boy #1 he learned quickly and helped out more with #2

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A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I don't think you are wrong at all for asking him for help. Maybe instead of having him get up, he could do some of the other household duties to give you some rest time. Even if you don't sleep during that time, but are relaxing. Once in a while I have to go on strike at my house. When the dishes are not clean, dinner is not on the table, and the laundry is not done, they notice REALLY quickly.

I can say though...once in while is more of a rarity than the normal. There are times where I am so busy I can't get to things like last week. I noticed hubby did the dishes for most of the week. I sent him a "thank you, I love you for keeping up with the dishes" text. He never said anything but I know that he knows I noticed. Sometimes they just need us to tell them directly...here is what I need you to do. My hubby always says "tell me what I need to do or it's not going to get done, and then you'll gripe about it!"

I know I'm not really giving you anything of real value but just know that you are not alone.

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J.E.

answers from Erie on

I have to say that Im sorry you are having to deal with this. *hugs*
I know how you feel. My DH isnt exactly the most helpful when it comes to kid duty. I am a SAHM so I dont expect much from him but there are times when I get really frustrated because I feel like he doesnt help at all. Like your DH, he doesnt help with diaper changes or bath time. I do EVERYTHING for our kids...so much so, that now our 2 yr old doesnt even WANT DH to do anything for him because he's so used to me. If I ask DH to change a diaper or give a bath, he acts extremely put out. He wont do it unless I make him. Its hard and frustrating and makes you want to knock some sense into them! I think that you are so right asking him to help you with a feeding. Why shouldnt he?? He helped make that baby! You both work! I dont see where he would get off feeling like youre the only one that should have to take care of the baby. I would talk to him..and keep talking until you get him to understand. I didnt...I gave up and it has really strained my marriage...at least on my side. I resent DH so much sometimes. I keep a lot of my feelings inside and it is rough and sometimes I feel like I could explode! So..talk to him. Dont let it go. Its not ok for him to feel like you should be the one doing it all. He needs to help too. It will be good for him..and the baby..in the long run. JMO.
Good Luck!!

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D.M.

answers from Denver on

You are NOT WRONG! I had the EXACT same issue when we had our 1st baby - and I do mean EXACT. Nice reasonable willing to help hubby during the day regarding the "I may need to wake you" discussion. But I woke up a MONSTER every time. I finally just gave up.

Son #2 was adopted and mostly wanted Daddy. The fact that he was 11 mos old and not nursing when he came home seemed to push Daddy into the "willing to help" camp, but I am not sure. After I had son 3, DH is awesome if I wake him....AND I go BACK to sleep!

Who thought MORE kids would have made this better? (Not that I recommend that as a solution!:)

The only change I made was not allowing myself to be "GUILTED" about waking him up...ever. The rest was all him. I wish I could tell what did it, but I don't really know.

Just know - you are not wrong and you are not alone!

ETA: He won't change diapers or give baths? I had some issues with baths too in year one - though my husband became a SAHD so he DID change diapers. DH needs to help. It will make you love him more, if nothing else. But sheesh, it's his baby too.

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R.K.

answers from Dallas on

After reading your additional info., this seems like a much larger issue. It sounds as if he isn't really willing to help with baby much at all. You have a few options...you could quit your job so you are less tired and stressed and have more energy to essential be a single parent with a husband who does little to nothing. You could hire a night nanny temporarily if money allows until baby is sleeping through the night. You can't really make him do things with the baby. Obviously you love your baby and wouldn't let him cry and not have his needs met. You could take care of the baby and do NOTHING else around the house (grocery store, cook, clean, laundry, etc) Just do what needs to be done for you and baby. You could leave him and find someone who would be a better father and partener. Sorry I had to throw that out there. You could ask him to agree to counseling and see if you could work it out there. Honestly I think you are rightfully worried about your marriage because this is a bad start to fatherhood for him. Let us know what you come up with and good luck.

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D.D.

answers from Albuquerque on

My 1st husband was like that. Very selfish with his time verse the baby. Parenting is a mom and dad. Mom is the care taker, and dad is the provider. Today's ecomony has made it where mom has to work, so dad is not the only one providing anymore, there for he must assist in the care taking of child.
Sadly my 1st husband got single fever, and walked away from our marriage and his son. Our son is 13 yrs old and he has only seen him for right around 10 days over the last 13 yrs. He lives on east coast, I live in the west. No telphone calls, no emails he remarried and is raising their new child.
Selfish men need to get a real shaking up that they have to work h*** o* their marriage, and work hard as a parent. They will get a wife and mother who will return the favor 10 fold. When they don't it causes hate and disconect in the mother for the actions of or the lack of action of the father.

Blessings to you and your family, hope that you two can come to a better agreeement. :-)

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L.J.

answers from Boca Raton on

I think part of the problem is he got USED to be doing EVERYTHING while on maternity leave. If you weren't doing that intially he would be used to the idea that "I have to help too." Obviously someone needed maternity leave and YOU had the boobs so...

The issue here is you BOTh work the same amounts...and I understand that.

Heres a few ideas....
1. When the baby cries, pretend to sleep or don't wake up so fast. Do NOT ignore your baby, but see if you don't immediatley react...will he?
Maybe even say to him..."Listen, I gotta say I am exhausted. If I sleep thru the baby at night, can you get up with him because I don't want to ignore the baby"... ?

I understand his point that if YOU are already awake and HE is not. Then WHY should you wake him up? (cuz then you areboth awake anyway) But, if you don't wake up and HE DOES, then what???

2. On days when you are both off, say to him "I am exhausted and I am going to break down...I need more sleep, tomorrow on my day off, I wouldl ike to sleep a lot. I pumped milk and put everything aside that you could possibily need..would you please take care of baby tomorrow so I can catch up on sleep? I don't sleep more, I am going to break down. Please I need you"

3. Suggest to hire a nanny even during times when you aer BOTH home. "Since you are unable to help me more, I really need more help. I cannot work full time and be a full time, single like mom the rest of the time...if you cannot help me, I need someone else who can"

4. Perhaps suggest that you quit your job for a while and BE the 100% mom/houseworker.

If he is not open to any of this, I wuold honestly point out to him that you are very much not happy that he wont help more with HIS child. If you have to live your life as a "single married mom" maybe you should consider separating. (I dont know how to say that in a nice way, but perhaps if you throw it out htere he will realize how much you really need him).

3.

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T.L.

answers from St. Louis on

You are not wrong. If hubby wanted the baby too, then he should help out. It is tough being a new mom and I think you are right that this could affect your marriage. I would also remember these tough days when thinking about any more kids. I would pick a night and give hubby all the duties no matter how uncomfy I was. He needs to understand that you need some help. Maybe on your days off he can take the baby for a few hours to let you catch up on some apparently much needed sleep.

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K.L.

answers from Erie on

You already have a ton of responses, so hopefully you're already trying some suggestions. I guess I felt like I need to respond because I know how tough this discussion is...

I suggest that you ask hubby why he gets so angry when you wake him, e.g. is he typically right in the middle of his deep sleep stage, can he not fall back asleep after helping with baby, does he not get enough total hours of sleep. Asking this is important for two reasons. First, it is important that he feels like you care about what's bugging him. Second, each of these issues has different solution options (earlier bedtime, adjusting the feeding times slightly, etc.). It also will force him to put thought into why he's so grumpy, which he may not have done yet.

It's possible that he is simply a concrete thinker (like me*) who thinks it's illogical for both of you to be awake at the same time. If this is the case, can he simply do all of the 5:30 feed (with stored milk in a bottle) so you can sleep later and pump just before leaving the house?

* Please don't take my concrete thinker comment above to mean that I don't agree that you need some help. I know how long it takes to do everything with baby and then to pump, put the milk away, wash the pump parts, ugh! I'm simply trying to help you to put yourself in his shoes. If he is a concrete thinker, perhaps you could put some data behind your viewpoint - time how long everything takes if you do it alone, so he gets a sense of just what you're facing. If you want some other ideas, feel free to shoot me a message. I'm more than willing to help you brainstorm other compromises, because you desperately need one ;)

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L.L.

answers from New York on

All I have to say is that it takes 2 to make these babies! I am so thankful my husband always participated in the nighttime feedings. I would've strangled him otherwise. I definitely think you have every right to wake him up to help! You BOTH work, you're BOTH exhausted, he needs to suck it up and give you a hand!!!

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L.P.

answers from Pittsfield on

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time with sleep and DH. I'm not really sure what to say about the hubby situation because I've never had that problem. My husband would never speak to me that way, and has always been very helpful with the babies/kids.

The only thing I can think to suggest is to give up nursing. I know I'm going to make some people mad for suggesting it, but it really seems to be causing you quite a bit of stress. The extra time it takes to pump and clean the pump, and what to do with baby if hubby won't help- not sure it's worth it. Formula-fed babies turn out healthy too. Hooray for you for lasting this long, but sometimes nursing is just not a good fit. There is sometimes a lot of pressure put on women to breastfeed, and if a woman can't or decides not to, they often feel guilty or like an inferior mother in some way. Yes, there are a lot of good reasons to breast feed, but despite what some people say, not every woman can do it, for a number of reasons.
I tried for 2 weeks, but had such a hard time with post-partum depression, I had to stop so I could go on meds.
My SIL had a hard time because, despite everything she tried, she couldn't get the baby to latch on. She spent more than a month trying because she was bound and determined to no avail. Her 2nd child, however, nursed fine.

I can tell you my 4 children and my nephew are normal, healthy children. I think if breastfeeding is a hardship for whatever reason, there is no shame in formula feeding and women should be supported - whatever they choose.
If formula feeding would make it easier for you and put less stress on your marriage, and that's what you choose, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I figure, in the long run, a less stressed mom is what's best for baby.
Sorry this was so long, but I hope it helps. Hang in there :)

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A.C.

answers from Salt Lake City on

First of all, I think discussing why you are waking him up for help needs to take place sometime OTHER than the middle of the night. I would not expect he is going to respond with politeness or be anything other than an angry bear in the middle of the night (as most of us are!) Talk to him tonight, before you go to bed. Come up with a solution together.

It is definitely fair to split up getting up with the baby. Do you need to get up everytime (due to nursing), or can it be split so that you do 1 feeding and he does the other? Perhaps cutting nursing 1x and substituting a bottle so Daddy can do a feeding. Unless baby is throwing up everywhere or there is a huge problem, I don't see why both of you would need to be up at the same time. Let the other person get some shuteye.

Good luck!

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K.O.

answers from Atlanta on

In one aspect, I agree with your husband. I think it's silly that both parents get up for the same feeding - the goal isn't to have everyone sleepless. So, if you're already up he shouldn't need to be up, too. However, I also think that he should be the one waking up for one of the feedings and not have you doing both. Maybe have him do the 3 am feeding, and then you get up at 5:30 feed baby, and then pump
(it would probably mean being up for the day at 5:30). I also feel neither spouse should be cursing at the other. That's just disrespectful.

Also, household chores should also be split up. You cook, he does laundry, you both clean, etc. Something more equal. It is a partnership - you are not his mother or maid.

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K.L.

answers from Des Moines on

I don't think you're wrong! When our daughter was first born, we shared that responsibility. I would get up first, then my hubby the second time. That way, we both got some sleep. Now, I didn't breastfeed, so it might be different with you and when we have our second(I plan on breastfeeding). He needs to help you! I will admit, I'm lucky with a hubby who will do anything for me if I need help. But it just seems like you are doing everything while he does nothing! Not fair!

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T.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Sounds to me like you're a single mother already. If he didn't want to participate in the rearing of a child he shouldn't have had one. You're not being unreasonable at all. You are taking the 3 am feeding without disturbing his sleep. And you still have to wake up to feed baby at 5:30. The very least he could do is tend to the baby's needs while you pump. Perhaps an earlier bedtime for him would help. Maybe he wouldn't feed so grumpy if he was still getting the sleep his body requires, just on a different schedule. A fair compromise might be for you to pump prior to bedtime and have him bottle feed the baby for one of the overnight feedings. I know you said he changes the subject but it's totally unfair of him to expect you to do EVERYTHING solo for your baby. Not to mention all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He needs to man up and take on his fair share of the responsibility. Good Luck and God Bless.

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D.D.

answers from Chicago on

Chances are - he won't change. How old are you guys? My husband and I had our daughter in our 20's. I can say that he was very immature still. I really did most of the work (sometimes I still do). He wasn't very helpful. Our daughter is 5 now. He has changed alot. Definitely more grown up. He helps out alot more (still needs a push from me though). I think that if we were to have another child, he would definitely be alot better at helping out.
I know what you mean about being stressed though. You are definitely not alone. I work full time, too. Then I have to go home and take care of my kids, cook, clean, do laundry! I am exhausted as well. Its hard :(

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

I don't mean to offend, but did he want a child? It sounds as though he wants none of the responsibilities that go with it. He should definitely be helping you and giving baths and changing diapers. That is what parents do. If I were in your shoes, I would either quit my job so I'd have the time to devote to the needs of the baby or I would insist he help out with everything and stick to it. This type of behavior will hurt your marriage. It is going to cause lots of resentment. Try to talk to him again and show him some of these posts. Good luck!

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

You are not wrong. He is the dad, as you said. I would imagine you stay up at this point once you are up as you have to get ready for work.

Maybe you two could try getting to bed at the same time each night, and then he could get up easier at the 5:30 wake up call.

Him asking why you are waking him up is bull honkey. My hubby many, many, many times woke up to bring the baby to me to nurse on nights we put them in their crib so that I didn't have to get up each time. (I would suggest co-sleeping while nursing. It saved my sanity as I could just go back to sleep! I never had an issue getting my 3 in their own beds by the time they were done nursing.)

Anyway, my hubby doesn't help with any inside things, but he does in many other areas so I have no complaints. We own two businesses and many times he handles all the after hour things while I am with the kids. We have a lot of property and horses. He handles all of the outside maintenance and is in charge of taking care of the animals, (my kids help also). He also regularly takes my oldest to her activities, and helps with coaching. So, I by no means have any room to gripe. If he's home, and I ask him for help, he will help. Examples: make the kids plates, get the toddler bathed, handle the kids so I can cook, help with homework, etc.

I don't know how old your husband is, but mine was probably 26 when it all clicked as far as stepping up to everything. But, he never, ever gave grief about getting up at night. It was a joint decision for us to breastfeed. And, he never once thought it was fair that I be the only one to lose sleep just because I was the only one doing the work.

Good luck!

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C.T.

answers from New York on

I hate to say it, but this is a personal issue that I really do not think even the Mamas here can help with.

You need to have a clear discussion about responsibilities within your house and how to get them divided up to make everyone happy. This may mean asking Hubby to do the grocery shopping or cooking a few nights a week or whatever.

In my house, we generally do have a policy that when I get up at night, I just take care of things. IMO, it does not make any sense for us both to be up; however, this means that if I am in a bad position (headache, just can't get up, whatever) and can't get up with the baby, Daddy will handle that session. I will pump after the feeding as my little one never quite finishes me off either. It takes longer, but I sleep better when I am comfortable so it is worth it to me. Also, I have to wonder, with only about 2.5 hours between the feedings, is it time to sleep train and drop the 3AM feeding??? You did not mention how old the baby is, or what time he/she is going to bed and if they are going from like 8 pm till 3 am, then it might be time to drop a feeding so everyone is getting better sleep. As a side note, one of us must be able to deal with the older two children so...

If you need more support, maybe you can get a mama's helper in to assist? For the kinds of activities you are looking at (laundry, cooking, etc.) you might need a HSer? Then you can both get the down time you need.

I think this issue needs to be worked through - no one likes being cussed at and no one likes feeling taken advantage of either....

~C.

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E.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

Right after I went back to work, my son would wake up at 1am and 3am. My husband and I eventually worked out a system so I would get up at 1am and he would get up at 3am. You may want to suggest that. Hopefully, you can sleep through and pump when you get up.
I hate to admit it, but there were a few times when I would be feeding my son and my husband would stay up too (he said he felt bad that I was always the one who got up) and I would yell at him, you need to be in bed sleeping so you can wake up the next time the baby wakes up, so I sort of understand your husbands point.
Also, my husband is a heavy sleeper and I am a light sleeper, so I almost always had to wake him when the baby woke up.

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L.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

Woah. I am so sorry! Your husband is also a parent; it is his job to help with the baby, especially if you have a good reason for doing so! And needing to pump is a good reason.

With both my oldest (who was a great sleeper by 4 months, lucky us) and my newest (who gets up 3-4 times a night still), my husband would also get up at night. He would change the baby so that I could get a glass of water and go to the bathroom before nursing. He works; I'm a stay at home mom. But I'm no less exhausted at the end of the day. Sometimes more so!

I think in addition to talking about helping during the day, you need to make sure he knows how you feel about his shouting and cursing. And if you could find some good husband role models to talk to him - ones who willing help with the child they helped create, it couldn't hurt!

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R.M.

answers from Seattle on

Since both of you are working and your jobs' are mentally and physically demanded, I myself would say, pump for the second feeding beforehand.
Have DH do the second feeding so that you can get some well needed sleep or him do the first feeding. It doesn't matter that your up, your only up because of course baby needs attention. This is what a couple that I know do. She isn't back to work yet however they both want to be with baby so this is how they do it. It brings comfort to the baby as well. Your coming home and doing all the necessary things, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. so it in no way should stop DH from helping out. Times have changed when it was only mom that did everything and research shows that with both parents spending this quality time with baby makes a much more calm baby. Just think of the what if: You were in hospital and he had to do all?
Of course and I'm not being rude, he would say well your not, this doesn't matter. I feel that since both of you work, everything should be split, I'm not saying 50/50 but at least 30/70. Ask him which feeding time he would prefer, pump yourself prior to for that feeding and ask him to pls. put an effort into it. There should be no cursing about it, he should be happy that you are asking. His and your little one need that comfort between both of you. Survey says now more husbands' are putting so much more effort into their babies than ever before. Its' so much better for both of you, then each of you have quality time together as well. When your played out you certainly dont' feel like "hopping in the sack" so to speak, or fill his demands, you are wacked, and this being said is not so good for the relationship. My husband worked away all week, when he came home on the wknd. he spent his whole wknd. with 3 children, the youngest even at 3mos. Yes we spent time together but he treasured every moment that he spent with them, this brought them to a whole new level. The would really appreciate "daddy" coming home and wondering what he was going to do with them. Believe me baby who was 3mos old got his attention just as much. I find that the children now who are grown know that "dad" will always be there for them and they know they can come to him at anytime.
Hope this helps for both of you. Arguements ensue when you agree to disagree and its not good for the little one. As small as they are, they can hear when he gets angry which in turn makes them learn early on when they hear a louder voice it puts fear into them and this is not good. Good luck!! I am sure you will get many more responses' such as mine. Hang in there!!

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J.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello,
I do not think you should wake the husband if you already up. But maybe he could help you when he comes home or give you some time for a nap after your work. There is no reason for both to be awake.

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I never woke my ex-husband up for feedings (1:00 am and 5:00 am), since I was breastfeeding and didn't pump. I switched to a 32 hour work week for the first year. I had a cleaning person come in once a week. I did all the cooking, but we had more take-out that first year, if I remember right.

He did help with diapers and baths, during that first year, but later it all fell to me again.

Hire help and/or demand a regular after work nap, but I would stop waking him up just to listen to his swearing.

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J.K.

answers from Kansas City on

I haven't read all of the responses, but maybe you could compromise by always taking care of the baby by yourself in the middle of the night, and having him do laundry and dinner while he is still WIDE AWAKE!! Then maybe you can nap on the sofa while he is busy : )

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

S.:

Personally - I think you are wrong to wake him. I know I am in the minority here - but there are things you should be able to do on your own, just as your hubby should. He wanted this baby too - yes, but he shouldn't have to wake up when you are awake to take care of the baby - it's not like you have twins or triplets. that would be a whole 'nother story.

Your son should be able to clean you out at 0530. If he's not - he might not have a good latch or he's just not hungry. You BOTH need sleep. You might have to alternate days on who gets up when - you are in this together...YOU MUST COMMUNICATE your needs and expectations.

When we had babies - this is what we did:

I stayed home with the babies (at several points I worked, but always came back home) and took care of them during the day and evening.

I would go to bed at 10 or 11 PM - I would feed then. My husband is a late to bed person so he would take care of the 2AM feeding. I would get up at 5AM for that feeding.

It's VERY hard to get into a routine at first - especially being first time parents. You will have people throwing A LOT of advice your way...some you can use, some you can't. You need to figure out what works best for you and your home life.

Again, i want to reiterate that while I understand and know about the pumping situation - if your baby isn't clearing you out at 5:30?! Then maybe he's not waking up because he's hungry but because he doesn't know how to go back to sleep on his own.

If you are both working - consider hiring a cleaning company to come to your home and clean every week - this will take one stress off of you and your husband.

Another thing you can do while you are working is go to the place - I wish i could find their name(s) but there are businesses where you go there for 2 hours - prepare 5 meals and bring them home to freeze and pull out during the week.

You MUST delineate chores and jobs between the two of you. What is he willing to do and what you are willing to do? What do you expect - what does he expect? If you don't talk about these things - it will all come to a head and it won't be pretty.

Just because you have a baby - doesn't mean you stop being YOU and HIM. So you need to continue to put your marriage first.

He cannot read your mind - nor can you read his. COMMUNICATE what you need. Communicate to him WHAT YOU EXPECT. Start with I NEED, I FEEL, I WANT - not YOU ARE NOT, YOU DON'T....don't start a fight - start a conversation.

Will there be good days and bad days? Yes. Will you have arguments? yes. Do you have to hit below the belt? No.

I think that your baby is not waking up at 0530 hungry - if he is - then he SHOULD empty you out in the AM. Talk with a lactation consultant to see if you have a proper latch. If you do - and your baby isn't cleaning you out at 0530 - he's not hungry, he just wants attention.

If he's not hungry- try seeing if he will self-sooth himself to go back to sleep - if he can - then during this time - pump and be ready for him when he does wake up.

When I was breast feeding - I would pump after each feeding to ensure we got the hind-milk out as well as making sure I had enough milk....it was how I built up my way of doing it -every person can do it differently.

If you two can't communicate now - it will only get worse. Find someone, clergy - someone you trust - to sit down with the both of you if you both can't express your expectations and needs during this hard time...the first 6 months can be the hardest....

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M.C.

answers from Minneapolis on

My hubby is like this, We have three children and he has been the same with with all, I finally with the third (she is 10 months old now) asked him why he always gets so angry at night, he said (it's not that he really doesn't want to help it's just he is NOT a middle of the night person and the venting is just what comes with the territory. I know have learned to ignore the anger and just wake him up and deal with it. He helps with what sounds like rather unwhilling manner but he does the job.

My question is does this sound like your hubby, it sounds like he does help if you ask he just vents first. Often times my husbands has said "I didn't say that or I didn't act like that" but he realized that yes he does he just doesn't remember he is that tired.

Just my ideas on this. Sorry it isn't really much help other then...if he is helping and he just fumes while doing it..take it and try to ignore the profanityy and head back to sleep.

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