Please Give Advice on Teaching My Four Children About Responsibility.

This solved my problem after years of begging, pleading and punishing. My co-worker suggested using "a closet for slobs" this is how it works. If any child leaves things out in the common area (anywhere but their own bedroom) a parent can claim the item and it goes into the closet for slobs. In order to retrieve an item from the closet the child must perform a chore (not normally on their chore list). Each item requires the completion of one extra chore. The chore is age related. No item is exempt.if the parent stays firm with the rules. It will take very little time before you see a vast improvement in your little slobs. I used this technique all the way through high school for my children. They now laugh about the closet for slobs and recall incidents where they really wanted something out but tried to hold out as long as possible reclaiming it in order to avoid the chore. The also praise it as one of the best learning tools that i gave them. I really hope this helps you.

4 moms found this helpful

Oh L., you absolutely MUST get a Friday box!!!! I had the same problem with my daughter and her friends (we always had extras at our house!). Every evening before I went to bed I went through the house and anything that was not in it's rightful place was put into the "Friday box". I didn't matter what it was - clothes (even if it was only 1 shoe), toys, homework, school books, permission slips, as they got older - curling irons, walkmans, ANYTHING!!!! The box was sealed.

Come Friday evening all of the items could be retrieved. What was not taken and put away was then placed in a different box on Saturday in the garage to be given to AMVETS or whoever was the next to come around my neighborhood or was thrown away. These items were not replaced on a whim. If the crayons were "lost" it might be a month or more before she got new ones. Just because she wanted to color she didn't get them right then.

This got the aspect of responsibility across pretty good. We used the Friday box from about 3 years old up through high school. They only left their walkmans or CDs in it one time!!! It took a while at first for them to realize that once something went IN it really did stay in until Friday. Her friends parents saw how this worked and they got Friday boxes!!! So this is really a tried and true project.

Of course, you have to use a little judgement such as the shoe deal (decide to keep the single shoe or find the mate to give away) or if a coat is involved and such. If homework was in the box it could be retreived on Friday and taken to school on Monday. It was up to the teacher if she accepted it or not. (That part straightened up really fast!!!)

Hope this works for you!
J.

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Hello L.,
Make a chore list with everyone's duties. If the duties are not completed daily, take the things they enjoy away. My son is 11 and when he can't use the computer it drives him nuts!

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We have a rule at our house. If you do not pick your toys up before bed or when asked to on weekends they get gathered up in a plastic trash bag and go out in the garbage.

My oldest did not believe me, until I started gathering his toys up and tossing them in a garbage bag.

He doesn't argue any more.

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You could try taking privileges away for not doing their chores. Take away things like televison, video games, talking to friends on the phone, going to play with friends/having friends over, etc. You can set how long they have to do without these things, and how many of the things they have to do without. Perhaps you could even set a rule that they have to earn back all privileges before they can start earning your "points" again! ha!

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I have a DVD called Teaching Responsibility. It talks about showing children their part in the family unit and how important their share of the work is to you and the family as a whole. Email me if you're interested, i have more copies!
A. Leyerle

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Hello L., I have recently discovered just how much personal responsibility my children are capable of. I have two boys ages 3 and 6. My husband left us on October 4th flipping our whole world upside down. I have been a SHAM for 3 years and my husband mildly treated me as his maid. Our divorce came about partially because I believe that each family member should throw away their own trash, take their own dirty dishes to the sink and rinse them, take care of their belongings, and put their own dirty laundry in the hamper. I told him I don't want our boys to have the "your wife is your maid" syndrome.

When he left the house in a mess after he removed his belongings the first thing I did was downsize mine and the kids clothes, our dishes, and their toys. My kids respond very well to strong routine so I cracked down on that. I gave them chores each a list of daily chores. I reward them using www.handipoints.com.

My boys toss their own trash, rinse their own dirty dishes, use the laundry hamper, clean their rooms three times a day, hang/fold and put away their own clothes, help with the dishes, gather and take out the trash. Caleb is in charge of keeping the living room and bathroom clean and Micah cleans the glass table tops, windows, and mirrors. I knew part of why I use to have such a hard time getting them to help out was because they knew daddy didn't help. Now, they hardly argue about chores. They've already learned that there are much more difficult things to get through besides doing chores, like the divorce which was so civil it was almost friendly.

My kids are an emotional wreak right now but our routine allows for plenty of time to chat about it and I actually have time (because I'm not cleaning after 4 people anymore) to help them learn through the divorce that sometimes bad things happen and even though you have no control over what happened, THEY HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THEIR REACTION TO IT.

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If I had to pick up after my kids when they were younger I put everything in a box and hid it and they didn't get it back until they had done better. As for trash, cups, dishes if it is in their rooms I would have no eating or drinking in their rooms rule. If they have cell phones or computer priveleges take them away. I took the cell phones away from my 15 and 14 year olds because they wouldn't walk their dog without me telling them to and after one time taking it away they did a lot better.

1 mom found this helpful

I have had this problem before with my step-son, and still have it every few months. When he refuses to pick up after himself or clean his room, I throw things away. I expect him to keep his room clean and pick up after himself. He understands now that I shouldn't have to tell him to do these things each day. When he goes to bed at night or leaves for school in the morning and his room is a mess, I warn him when he comes home and give him a certain amount of time to have his mess cleaned up. If it's not done by then, I don't say anything else to him, I just go in with a trash bag and start throwing away the toys in the floor.
I rarely have to do this anymore, sometimes I have to give him a warning, but he usually gets it done because he knows that when I come back in, if it's not done, he has his things thrown away.

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I think the problem here is the term you used in the second to last sentence: ASK. You are not ASKING your kids to do you a favor by cleaning up after themselves, you should be TELLING them as residents of YOUR home what their duties are. Up until now, they have been enjoying the benefits of eating, sleeping, and relaxing in the home without having to contribute squat to the maintenance, so of course being ASKED to help seems like some giant inconvenience. The fact is, after the age of three, children have the mental and motor capabilities to begin putting their toys away, it is the parents that have trouble reinforcing the concept. (It is so much easier in the moment to pick up a 3 year old's toys in two minutes than spend 20 minutes numerous times 'helping' him put away his own toys). Maybe it is no longer politically correct to be unyielding with kids, but I remember it being WWIII if my parents came home from work and we were relaxing on the couch watching tv and there was a dirty dish sitting in the sink or dirty clothes on a floor. You are their mother, not their personal slave! When they complain about cleaning up after themselves, remind them to be eternally grateful for being able-bodied children in a nice home, and how lucky they are that cleaning up after themselves is the biggest of their worries.

1 mom found this helpful

my 11 year old daughter would not keep her clothes picked up off her floor..years i went through this with her...until...i bought a school uniform and told her she would wear it to school if i found clean or dirty clothes on her bedroom floor....she wore it once! it has been 2 months, we still have issues, but the main one is GONE...

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It is most certain that they have things they enjoy .. cell phone, internet, electronic games, bike riding, etc., etc. None of those would be happening if they didn't do the required things. My daughter who is now 8 loves playing games on the computer. She knows messy room, homework not finished, whatever she needs to do (and it's not a lot of stuff) .. no games. When she asks can she play on the computer, I ask how is your room? She takes off for her room and within minutes .. DONE and she is happy on the computer. It's a win-win for all of us. Same for our 17 yr. old son. They are then responsible for what they get to do with their actions. Or not do - if they choose to just sit and be messy. The house stays neat, I'm content and so are they.

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L.,

Having children (ages almost-8, 5 and 2) who don't pick up after themselves is DHs pet peeve so at least once a week he walks through the house and their rooms with a basket and anything that's not in its proper place is confiscated. The five-year old just this past weekend got toys back...she's not had one for over a month. Right now she is on a TV ban also until her room is cleaned. No incentive system we've ever come up with has worked.

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The question that comes to my mind is - what are the consequences for NOT obeying you? I had four kids too and it was not easy to get them to help around the house.. but from a young age they all pitched in... even if it was just helping to clear the table or feed the dog for the very young (like 4 yrs old) We always told them that as part of the family we all must do our part to keep a clean home. I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years, but that doesn't mean you are supposed to do all of the work. They should learn to respect their belongings including their rooms and what is in them. If they dont' get the chores done- then they don't play or go to a friends or whatever it might be. Your husband needs to take part in telling them what you both expect of them.. not just from you. He also needs to help you enforce it. We had a rule as they got older that whoever cooked - didn't do the cleaning.. so all four kids and dad would pitch in and get the dishes done- or as the older ones started to help in the kitchen - they got a break if they cooked or helped me to cook. (really helped!) I remember making them stay in their rooms until the work was done.. I hope this helps- I know it can be very difficult- but the point is that you are trying!! good luck..

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter's room was always a pigsty - I simply told her that anything that got lost or broken as a result of not being put away, I was not replacing. She didn't believe me until one of her favortie cd's got stepped on and broken.

As for dirty clothes, my rule had always been that I would wash only what was in the laundry room. Then she started bringing two weeks worth of dirty school uniforms to the laundry room at 10:00 Sunday evening and telling me that she had no clean clothes for school the next day. So I showed her how the washer and dryer worked, taped up a list of what setting to use for what colors nad fabrics, and told her that from now on, she was doing her own laundry. If she had no clean clothes for school, it was no longer my problem.

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a counseler I've been seeing suggested the book 123 Magic to me and it is working pretty well for my 7 year old

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L.,
My children are younger than yours. I am struggling with the same thing. I am constintly on my girls to pick up after them selves. my oldest who is six is just now getting it. You are on the right track with the charts and the rewards. If you are doing there chores for them if they dont do the chore you are teaching them that you will always be there to clean up after them. for one week do nothing to help them with there chores. It will make you crazy. but when they have no plates to eat off of or cups or dinner cant be made because there is nothing to cook on or even they have no clothes to wear they will get the point.

I have heard a story of a mother who would put slips of paper with a chore on it in a jar and the family would race to get the chore done right first. the person who was done first won and you will have to determine the prize.

I have also heard that each chore that you have to do in your house should only take five minutes to do. I had found that stat. interesting.

Just remind your kids that you are in this together and you need to work as a team and you should do fine.

I have told my oldest daughter that if the toys and clothes dont come up out of her floor I will through them in the trash, that has worked for her for now. my other two girls are to young to do all the chores in the house so they just pick up toys and put them on there shelves or put up books, but we all help clean our house.

Good Luck and God Bless

A.

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You could give them their own money for each chore that they do and don't buy them what they want. Make them use their money to buy their "toys". When they realize that they don't have any money they will want it and in return do their chores. I have a 3 year old and she is given things for doing chores already. She cleans her own room and puts her dishes in the sink. I do give her money on occasion and she likes to use her own money to buy her toys. Just an idea. Good luck with 4! I have the upmost respect for women who have more than one child. I don't know how you do it.

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Hi L.-

I have had sensitive skin with some patches of dry skin especially in the winter and I have used and tried everything on my skin. I would suggest Eucerine lotion. If for nothing else maintenance on your babies skin. I haven't found anything else that works better. It is a miracle lotion for the body. At least to me it is. You can get it at any grocery store, pharmacy or Wal-mart. It cost about $10 for a big bottle. I hope that it helps your baby the way it has helped me.

T. C.

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We learned in a parenting seminar at church that children should always get allowances no matter what. The amount of allowance should always be the same every week (it can be different for different ages, though) no matter how much they are given to do. They should have set chores (posted so they're plain to see at a place that will constantly remind them) not to earn their allowances but just because they're a member of the family and have to chip in to Keep a happy healthy family. If the children chose not do one or all of their chores, they have to pay one of their siblings to do each one. We haven't tried it yet because we're just now getting to the ages to do it (K+), but I know a lot of people that actually tried it with a positive outcome. Apparently, the other kids get really excited with the opportunity to take away their siblings' money. But, the rule with that is, you have to finish all of your own chores before you can take over someone else's. Oh, also, if the child gets a $1 allowance and the chore they're leaving for someone else to do is worth more than $1, they still have to pay what the job is "worth" (use your discretion, or the child could take bids from the other siblings) even if that means dipping into previous weeks' allowances or the next weeks. Also, they mentioned doing things to the extreme like a previous poster mentioned and just gather up the stuff and donate it (or anything else creative like that that you can think of that would fit the crime), but the key to it is to NOT tell them that it's going to happen if they don't do what they're supposed do but just Do it if they don't! That way they're thrown off guard with the reaffirmation of who is in charge and what disobedience gets them.

GL! I've heard from several that this method actually works, and we're going to start trying it out ourselves really soon.

K. SAHM of 4 (6yrs and under)

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What has worked with some of my children is setting a cash value on each chore. When it is completed for a whole week give them the money and go to the store to let them spend it. It also lets them learn how to manage their money.

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L.,

You are right; kids need responsibilities around the house.

What I have found that has worked is to write out the list of responsibilities or when they were younger, we took pictures of them as they did the activity.

We had a family meeting and went over how we all work together as a family and we set the rules very clearly as to what would happen if the time came when they wanted to do something and their duties weren't performed.

Having consequences is the hardest thing to enforce because sometimes it has inconvenienced me but we stuck to it. Our consequences were things like, they couldn't go to a friend’s house or they would miss their soccer game or a spend-the-night guest had to be cancelled, or they didn't go to a Birthday party etc..

It only takes a couple of times (or once) for them to miss something that is REALLY important to them and they figure out pretty quickly that you mean business.

The main keys being have clear responsibilities and when they are to be finished by (daily, weekly, monthly) and CLEAR consequences so that you can remember what you said to be consistent and they can't argue that they didn't realize that would happen.

I hope that helps!

K.

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L., as a mother of three and grandmother of nine, I have a couple of suggestions. Have you tried just leaving everything where they leave it? If they don't have clean clothes to wear, clean dishes to eat on then they may get the clue that you need help. Let them sleep in rumpled beds and stay in messed up rooms for a few days. Also, has Dad addressed the situation with them? That may also be an answer. My daughter, whose children are 14, 13, 11 1/2, 7 and 2 months, have specific chores: 14-laundry, 13-kitchen and dishes, 11 1/2-trash, 7-help older ones with their chores. The four oldest are all boys and they also have to mow the grass, feed pets and keep the yard picked up. If they don't do their chores then they don't go to friend's houses, parties or any other special trips. My daughter is a stay at home mom so she helps with the laundry some, but basically it is the boys responsibility to do the work. Also, she is a single mother every other week because her husband works in the oilfield. If you can get your husband to back you, let the children go a couple of days without you telling them to do the work and let them get a taste of what it would be like if you were not at home to do it for them. Let them know that if you worked outside the home you could do all the work and that you are still a working mom and need their help. Also, let them know that some day they will need to know how to cook, clean and take care of themselves and they might as well learn it now. Good luck and I hope this might help. My three children had to learn the hard way...I broke my back and was laid up for several weeks.
M. S.

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Hi L.,
I have two sons who are now grown, when they were little I too had a battle with them to pick up after their selves. I found a way that cured them of it. When they left something of theirs on the floor or in the livingroom, I would pick it up and put it away, when they asked for it I made them buy it back from me. They had one week to buy it back or it was thrown away or given to the good will. Needless to say I was not having to pick up behind them for long. As for as the bedroom goes, there is no easy answer for that. What may work for one child does not always work for the other. The oldest, I woke up at midnight one night by throwing everything from his floor to his bed. I told him he had to clean it before he could sleep in his bed. His room was always clean after that. The younger one, well he just layed on the floor and went back to sleep. He said he did not need the bed he had a sleeping bag. He did finally clean the room, but like I said what works for one does not always work for the other. Good Luck! C.

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give them a reason to keep their rooms clean,pick up take out the trash ect. make a list and for every chore each child does and does right they get points so many points and they can exchange them for money dive the chores between the children easy chores for the smaller ones and all for them have to keep their rooms clean and the end of the week they add pu their points for money and soon they will do their chores without thinking

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L., I can't wait to read the other responses. I have 9 and 13 year old boys who are middle of the road on cleanliness but its a war just the same. It certainly makes friends dropping in stressful. I believe that you have to get your husband involved and he has to not only support you but help in the reinforcing and/or punishing when the jobs don't get done. This is the problem in my house. My husband won't help with the boys in that regard. He's great as a role model because he does dishes, cooks and laundry but never makes the kids do anything. I have threatened to leave, boycotted, everything...nothing works. My husband was a pampered child and he thinks the kids should be pampered.

Back to you. What has worked for me is starting small. I first worked on having them make their beds every morning for a couple of months. Then I added laying out all their clothes the night before and then refusing to take them to the bus stop until their wet towels and dirty clothes were picked up. (They hate being late) I have added something every month.

While I don't believe you should pay kids to pick up their own junk, I don't hesitate to offer some kind of incentive for that kind of thing. Anything to get them into the habit. Once they see how nice it is with a clean and organized room, they will be more inclined to keep it that way without grumbling. Again, the key is going to be your husband helping you implement this and being consistent with what you decide.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I saw some really great advice on here, I really can't think of anything more to add.

My son, he is ADHD, so the issues of him not cleaning up after him self was more of a staying on task thing. I took me a while to learn to deal with this and to teach him to take care of his things. Its still a struggle but it seems to working.

As far as responsibility goes, LOL, well.... He lost a school book (one his teacher had bought for each kid in the class) it was only $10 but I refuse to just pay for it. I made him earn the money through chores. AND I made sure they were chores i less than liked. LOL you know, clean the bathroom, take the trash out... It worked. My oldest, when he was about 7 got caught by his step mom 5 finger discount. It happen to be the same day I was picking him up. So I took him back to the store and made him give the cashier the gum and apologize. Besides her being shocked and wishing more parents did what I did, my son was so embarrased as far as I know has never done it again.

All that to say, each kid is different. How you deal with them is going to be different. What may work with one, may not with another.

Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Quit picking up after them. Whatever you do find yourself picking up...throw it away (or at least make them believe you threw it away). If its dishes, laundry, toys, bed sheets, whatever...take them away as you would a priviledge. Once they decide to help...they can get them back. It may seem mean but you are not a maid service. They are capable if they have hands and feet that work.

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Hello
I have a 6 year old son and he was not the most helpful child. When he was four i made him accept responsibility for his things and also help around the house with small chores. i explained to him to have a nice clean house is a privilege and not an necessity. We started with small things like picking up cups and dishes, we called it cup patrol and he thought it was so neat. Im sure this works better for little kids rather than 10 and up. i also wash all hi clothes and folds and puts them all away we started this when he was five. Again to have nice things it takes work things aren’t handed to you. this is what i want to teach my child. you cant do it for them if you want them to take responsibility. you have to be consistent with it and stick to what you say. you want them to be able to keep a nice house when they are older. you have to enforce the values. try to make it fun. i would make laundry a race who ever could fold there clothes fastest and put them away correctly wins points on the board. i had a point system as well now I don’t have one he knows what is expected of him and he gets rewarded for helping by getting our pocket change he makes around 70 dollars a month off our change. you just have to make it fun and stick to it. you cant do it for them.

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Assigning them chores such as 1 clean the livingroom, 1 clean the bathroom, & so on. This is a lesson every child needs to be responsible & not slobs. When they fail to do what has been asked of them, don't let them go to the movies, or their friends, or play video games. Stick to you guns, it will be rough at first but they will come around after awhile. What will happen is the one in charge of the livingroom will be on the ones leaving a mess, and so on with the bathroom, taking out trash, so on. They should also be cleaning thier rooms as well. I know this probably sounds like thats being hard on them, but it will make them responsible & better people when they are adults. Each child should learn to be independant so in the future they will strive to make good on the life lessons you have taught them. It worked for me & all 3 of mine I couldn't be more proud of.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a child like that, he is now 17 and I have tried EVERYTHING! He is just not very self-motivated nor motivated by points or money. My 9 year old is the complete opposite but he is starting to pick up on some of his brothers habits. What has worked for us is the following:

1) There is a deadline to have his stuff picked up and at that time I go around with a bin and just start picking it up, clothes, toys, etc. Eventually he will need or want something that is in the bin and he will have to then do another chore to earn it back. After a few times of having to do extra work he realized it was easier to pick his stuff up.

2) We have also down sized our kitchen utensils, plates and cups. There are usually no more than 5 of us in the house (my son's best friend practically lives with us) so in the cabinets we have 5 cups, 5 plates, 5 forks, 5 spoons, etc...this prevents the dishes from piling up and the kids from just grabbing another glass every 5 minutes. I wanted to go to disposable stuff but that just did not seem environmentally friendly. We do have more plates and cups and utensils in our china cabinet for when guests come by.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

There is a parenting column in the Norman Transcript that is by nationally syndicated psychologist John Rosemond. I have read his advice on this subject before and he suggests a hard line on this. He says that you tell them your plan from now on is that if you have to pick up after them, what you pick up will be confiscated. This includes school stuff, and it might mean they get in trouble at school, but that is their responsibility. Make sure to put the stuff in a place they cannot access to get their stuff back. You can also get everything out of their rooms except essentials such as clothes so that they don't have to clean anything such as toys up. If they don't bring clothes to the appropriate place, they just won't have clean clothes; you could also just wash the clothes they don't want to wear. As for dishes hmmm ... I guess you could tell them they can only eat over the sink without dishes until they can bring one back. As with all of his advice it is pretty strict, and it is imperative that you don't back down on this. But it sounds like it is pretty combative there anyway, so this method might get just as much argument, but less housework for you. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

When my children were little and they wouldn't pick up their things, I starting picking them up and hiding them. They had to pay me 25 cents for anything they wanted back, including shoes, clothes, school books and toys of course.(They earned money by doing special chores, not the ones they were expected to do.)
It is really important to teach them responsibilty , as this extends into adulthood.

My children are all grown and very responsible. All hold good jobs and appreciate that I taught them responsiblity as children.