Playing Alone - Apache Junction,AZ

As a teacher, here are my thoughts. 1. trust you child's actions over his words. Is he acting happy? How about when he doesn't know you're looking? 2. Contact the counselor at his school and ask if he/she can "set him up" with a few friends. They are experts at this. The counselor can do it without your son knowing its being done and with other children who need interaction/social assistance. 3. He may benefit from being part of a "transition" group with the counselor as well. It did wonders for my own "loner" child. She blossomed and now has more friends. 4. Don't push. He will push back and possibly push away potential friendships to prove to you that he doesn't need friends, or, G forbid, find the "wrong" sort of friends. We are social creatures but we also crave solitude. All in different doses. 5. Chat with his teacher. Does he interact appropriately in class? Does he shun other children or just seem to be able to take them or leave them? He/She is a great source because they see them when they aren't concentrating on much besides the task at hand. And finally, don't get too involved emotionally in it, my opinion is that it will only make you miserable and he will be totally oblivious to your misery. Why put yourself through it. Let things take their course. I so feel for you. Been there, done that. Made myself so sad when she was just fine. She's happier now with friends but really didn't even know what she was missing being a solitary kid so the misery was mine alone. Good luck

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Is he shedding tears over this? Us only children like hanging around with adults; that's what we're used to. He sounds accustomed to being alone and may just enjoy it. You have your answer. It doesn't sound as if he's interested in team sports or activities with others. He probably IS a great, fun, funny kid with the adults in his life, and he sounds perfectly happy. When kids around him mature, he may form a more solid peer group. For now, he may be at a different intellectual level.

My daughter, another only, only plays with her teacher. She's a hilarious girl, empathetic, etc and feels just fine as an observer rather than participant.

If you worry about it, he will too. If you appreciate your very cool boy with respect to social interaction, he'll feel confident about who he is. My guess: eventually he'll have a couple of very close friends. Think about if this is more important to you than him.

: ) J.

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So many good suggestions and experience here.

My daughter, off and on, will only play by herself too... her choice. She is not sad, she does not lack for anything, she is not lonely... she just, sometimes wants to play by herself. She is happy, that is her... she self-navigates very well for her age... she has always been that way.
And mostly, she KNOWS herself, very well.
I would ask her "Who did you play with at recess today?" And she'd say "I didn't play with anyone..." And I'd say "Oh, how come?" And she'd say "Because that is what I wanted to do, be by myself." Then I'd ask her "What did you do by yourself?" And she'd say "I just sat under the tree..." or "I just sat under the jungle gym.. and watch everyone..." But she'd always say it was her choice and she wanted to do that and simply didn't feel like socializing and wanted to just "relax" by herself and look at the sky.....
she is also the type that chooses her friends and is very social. But, she chooses friends and whether she even wants to socialize or not. She says she just doesn't feel like being noisy like all the other kids at recess or she just wants to chill. She'll even close her eyes and relax that way. If a kids asks her "Why are you by yourself?" She just tells them "Because I want to be."
From a young age, my girl really could know herself and navigate herself and is very self-assured. She is also creative and cerebral... and a great kid. But she is not a follower... which I am proud of her for. And she really is able to "discern" herself and her interactions. She is well liked in school and does not lack socially. But again, SHE chooses and does not get sucked into what other kids are doing. She 'can' be herself. So that is a real strong point...
I don't feel 'sad' for her if she is by herself... because I 'know'... she can handle herself and is not sad herself. If she was by herself, she CHOSE that, at that moment. And it was what she needed.

If your son is happy... then be happy.
He is okay.
There is a myth that a child can't be happy unless surrounded by lots of friends and doing typical kid things and kicking a ball around. But... it is not always true. Your son, seems to be real self-assured... and mature. He knows himself. That is a real strength... which not even some adults have.

In 1st grade, my daughter didn't connect with any kid either. (I dont' blame her they weren't real great kids)... and she was happy. She simply said to me "I dont' have friends this year... but its okay. Next year will be fine." And she'd further explain to me, that the bunch of kids in her class at that time, were "trouble makers" and they weren't they type she'd even want to bring home. She was right. Her extra radar about people, was on par. Even her Teacher said so. And that my girl, was the only one, that did not 'follow' the general trouble that the other kids were doing.
My daughter, chooses her friends. Consciously. And her decision IF she interacts, or becomes friends with someone... is with awareness.

Your son, seems fine.
Don't let him think something is 'wrong' with him.
He will blossom and find like minded kids.... don't worry.
I have a cousin like your son. Almost to a T. He is fine, grew up fine, and is very talented and well liked and happy... and has a good heart. That is the main thing.

All the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

I, too, would be hurt. I have an only child, boy 7.
He will find his way, don't worry.
My son is the kind of kid ALL the kids like, but he's very quiet. I fear he does not speak up, ask for help, clarification, etc. This used to drive me crazy, worrying about him. My hubby (God love him, he comes up with a pearl every now and then!) said "Look--it's OK that he's quiet and laid back--just because you're not, doesn't mean he has to be outgoing." And you know what? He's right. I know sometimes he gets frustrated with the kickball show offs, etc and just plays more alone or with another kid, but he's OK. Your son will let you know if he's not OK. Trust him.
and the suggestion for having someone over a few times is a really nice idea.

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It probably would hurt me, but then I'd have to remember that it's not about me. Your son stated that he's happy. He's acting happy. You deal with it by remembering that his happiness is the most important thing, not that he's doing the things that you think would make him happy.

He will make friends. He probably has friends. He just needs space. Thank heavens that he knows this about himself and is comfortable with it.

Really not trying to be harsh. Read this in the most supportive tone you can, because that's how I meant it.

Good luck.

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I myself was a loner though all of my school years. I preferred to entertain myself. I was always daydreaming. There may not be a problem at all or he may simply have difficulty making new friends or he may be afraid to make new friends for fear of having to switch schools and be hurt by the lose of the friends he made at the current school. Most likely he has had some hurt with losing friends from previous school switches. You might try to get him to tell you about his feelings in involving this or most schools have a school counselor trained to interact with children.

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I'm a playground duty volunteer at an elementary school and I do see a few kids having a good time by themselves. I suggest that with time he'll find kids with similar interests. It takes time to get acquainted in a new school. I wouldn't push him.

I do like the idea of arranging a play date with him and another kid. Suggest to him that you'd like to take him and a friend to the movies or skating or something that he likes to do and suggest that he ask someone even if he doesn't know them very well.

Parents do visit with their kids during lunch recess. I suggest that you arrange to have lunch with him and spend some time on the playground with him so that he can show you what he does. Tell him you want to "check out" the school and see what this school is like. You may feel better about how he's relating to other kids when you see him in action. Since he's outgoing, he may have casual type friends that he says hi to or eats lunch with but doesn't hang around with yet but probably will later.

Your son sounds delightful!

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i agree with jen L in a way - as an only he is more comfortable around adults and may not have the best social skills with people his own age, especially if he hasn't been in one place very long.

but as the mom of an only boy (almost 4) it would break my heart too :) i totally understand. i love the ideas about involving his teacher or counsellor and getting him interacting with other kids. but go on his cues. he may not even enjoy that. if it's not fun, it's time to stop.

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As a kid, I always preferred being alone, reading a book in one corner or playing by myself.
I would play with others from time to time only to avoid being different or rejected, but I was happy alone.

If you think he suffers from it, try to help him (contact the teacher, involve him in a group, class or club where he will find kids sharing the same interests...).
But, as long as he is happy, he's OK!
My parents thought it was wrong to like to be alone or that I was secretly suffering and not knowing how to make friends. They did their best to help me, but I didn't need this help. I was OK alone! As our son is.

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you could email or send a note asking the teacher if she could recommend someone from the class for him to pal around with outside of school and help your son facilitate that by inviting the kid to a movie or other fun activity.
A big part of me says if he is happy let it be ok. But the momma in me would be sad too. maybe the timing is just wrong and the right kid hasn't come along yet.

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Try talking to his teacher and asking him/her if your son can be seated next to a student that may have similair interests. Being a teacher and a parent, I have seen many friendships form with students sitting next to eachother - they start playing together at recess. Some kids are more of a "loner" type personality, but having some friends to play with will allow him to develop some social skills as well. The teacher could even talk to another student and ask him to include your son in their games. The students are happy to do this. Talk to your son and try to role play a senario of how he can introduce himself and start talking to some potential friends. He can ask them questions like, "How was your summer? Did you go on any trips?" "Do you like to play kickball?" He sounds like a fun and creative person, with a little "push", he will have friends!

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It is only the first week of school. Give him time and he will make new friends. Making friends takes time. My kids are still reeling from the fact that their friends are not in their classes. Just be patient and encouraging. After a few weeks, ask him if there is anyone who he would like to invite for a playdate.