Play Date Help!

We just started this whole playdate routine. My son is 5 and is in Pre-K. The teachers recommended setting up the first playdate or 2 in a public location, like a playground, to assess how well the kids play together and also how well the parents get on. We did one of our very first playdates in a place that has a bounce house and games. It worked very well because the kids could bounce together, but when they lost interest they played the games, both together and independently.

I also made sure to accept EVERY birthday party invite that came our way. That way I was able to meet many of the parents (I'm kind of shy, myself) and establish a rapport with them, just as my son was able to build better friendships with the kids. When it came time for my son's birthday, I invited the whole class so we could get to know everyone better.

Now we are starting to do some in-house and drop-off playdates and it has been going well.

My son always uses his toys to attract friends. Really not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it certainly works for him. He's become quite popular and all the kids want to play with this "awesome" toys (as well as him, of course! :)). It helps that he's a pretty good sharer too.

Best of luck! We never had "playdates" when I was little either. A whole new world.

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I do think it can be stressful. I think it is easier before the kids are in elem school though because the "rules"s seem clearer, Yes the mom's of preschoolers would be present for the whole playdate and yes you would keep it to two hrs or less.

With Kindergarten, first i would ask the teacher or your child for then name of a kid that seems receptive or would be a good match. I would contact the other parent before break and set up the date during break. For this first time. I would suggest to the other parent that you and them meet up at a chucky cheese type place, or a place that has some structure to it, like a bowling alley. you could do mcdonalds play place or just a playground but if your son has some trouble socially, i think it's better to stick to a place that has more structured activities. or maybe i'm wording it wrong, a place that has a clear focus and less of a chance for craziness. I would not to a jumpy bounce house thing or an open park were they would just be expected to run around. I would ask upfront if the parents would like to stay and hang with you or if theywoudl like to drop off and either you could bring the kid home or theycould pick up.

I think if this goes well then you can do an in home one, but be aware that after a while if you invite kids to your house they will most likely feel obligated to reciprocate and at this age i would not expect to come too and then you have to decide to let your kid go to someones house alone, or to tell the other hparent you don't trust them. of course maybe by then you'll have an idea if you do trust them or not, but i've never become best friends after a few playdates.

plan this out carefully so you can helpyour child succeed,

1 mom found this helpful

I guess I'm surprised that you never did playdates with your 5 year old, at all.

You could just take him to the park, and let him figure out how to socialize in a casual setting. It doesn't have to structured or forced. See who he likes in his class & invite the kid & mom over. The kids can play in his room & you & the mom talk. It's not as stressful as you're making it out to be.

What about putting him a sport or group activity?

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I would limit it to one hour or one and a half max. If you have the mom stay, she will bring siblings. If I were doing one, I would meet the mom at McDonalds or park, a neutral place where the kids won't fight over toys.
It is the easiest way. I might take both my kids to MOPS so they could play and you could have some mommy time. :0)

What is Gymkhana?

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Um, does he way over-think things like you? JUST JOKING!!! :) I understand everything you said, and I am also not a playdater. I suppose you would just have a casual environment at your house to have a mom come hang out while the kids play. Just be nice, gracious and relaxed, like a friend is coming over. (cringe-like I said, I never do it :)***I love Judy's honest post-be honest and tell the mom you guys can hang out or not so it's really low stress :)

To be honest, I sort of roll my eyes at he premise too, BUT, my 5 year old is having no trouble socializing, and if she was, I'd be thinking this over. First of all, this is on the young side for making "real friends". Sure, there are those playdating parents who say their kids have been best friends since age two, but that's not everyone by any means. I see this age group pretty much "Taking or leaving" each other at any given social situation. I dont' remember really having best girlfriends until Jr High-ish. I had classes and stuff, but my parents never scheduled palydates.

My daughter was in K4 last year, and didn't really have a "certain" friend, she just liked everyone and didn't notice the kids who were sort of mean or ignoring her. When I would ask her at home about "who" her friends were, there was no one in particular, or there were different ones each day. She had one kid she stayed after and played in the snow with frequently, but that's just because they were the only two kids allowed to stay and play in the snow for a bit :) When I would ask her if he was her really good friend in class, she didn't even know what I was talking about. Sometimes out in groups of older kids, they'll really be drawn to her, and she's indifferent. I think it takes a couple more years to really get more particular about friends. I'm homeschooling this year, and we meet up with kids for activities, and she'll seem to be bosom buddies for a whole day with someone, and then forget all about them, and play with someone else the next time. Also, in all groups, there are the shyer kids or the not socially skilled ones, but I haven't seen the other kids mind it, and they don't seem unhappy, BUT, that was a Christian K4 and a super nice homeschooling group, so there aren't any cliques or bullies in these scenarios.

Your son has been in so many classes, and you're obviously so on top of this, and so is his teacher, I would not worry so much, personally. Not every kid is meant to be a social butterfly, especially at age 5. My dad was very intelligent, very solitary as a kid, and still only has a "few" good friends instead of lots. If your son is nice, and not acting out, in time he will find a friend or two to relate to, OR he'll suddenly be social in second grade, who knows. The chances of you picking the "right kid" for him to bond with in playdates is iffy. But if you do go that route, try to pick a kid who fits the mold from one of his classes and see if their mom has time to meet etc. I think it would help if he was going to encounter that child in a group, otherwise, he'll still be awkward in a group if his buddy isn't there. No harm, but no point either-except I guess that he'll get used to playing with someone. Just remember, "playdates" are sort of an American thing. Lots of cultures believe socializing is secondary to (or WAY below) learning and wouldn't waste their time on the playdates or give it another thought. So I think if you keep supporting him and he's doing activities and going to school (that's LOTS of socializing, I get tired thinking about it), just do your best and try not to worry.

And yes, WAIT until way after holidays. I would freak out if anyone approached me about anything during January even, we have so much "after Holiday" stuff to start, new classes and stuff. Good luck and good work! And don't take it personally if the first people you ask don't bite the bait, I would NOT have time to meet for a playdate with anyone right now due to younger sibs and schedules, etc, so leave emotions at the door and just ask a couple of people. I like the idea of meeting on neutral turf for a set window of time so it doesn't linger into hours...

Oh, and OFTEN, my daughter will approach groups of kids at the park and be ignored or squeezed out. Luckily, it hasn't made her sad (but it has me), so to an extent, it's normal to have to get squeezed out by kids in this age groups. It stinks when it's your kid.

I would definitely wait until after Christmas/winter break. I think most families are pretty over-scheduled anyway.

Ask your son's teacher for some recommendations as far as names of kids he seems to get along with (or even just the really friendly ones who might play with him more if they got to know him better). I would also recommend going to a public place for a "first" playdate. That way you don't have to worry about boundary/"territory" issues ("my" toys and "my house" type things). Yes, there will probably be other kids there, but I think it provides a less intimidating atmosphere for everyone involved (parents too!).

I would say to do as many as possible, if nothing else, just to let your son know that not everyone gets along as well as everyone else. Maybe do a lunch/snack before or after the playdate so it gives more "one on one" time with the kids.

Good luck to you and your son!

I've been thinking about this with my daughter as well, though we have had playdates since preschool. I think back to my childhood, and basically I saw the kids with whom my mom was friends with the other child's mom. While I appreciate your focus on your child, as mine has been as well, my insight is that I got to play with certain kids at a young age like five because that is who got along with my mother. Who are your friends? Do they have kids? Make room to play with them. Consider your hubby's buddies as well, and look into whether those guys have kids. (Sorry, I just read about your neighbor again. That does happen. I tell my daughter that not everyone is open to playing with everyone, but you can be. Just offer to play and see what happens.)

The playdate scene is hard for another reason. We are busy people. If both parents work, quite likely the child is in daycare, gets picked up at 6 p.m.,; the family then has dinner and then it is time for a bath and p.j.'s. You might be best to try to find someone who has a home life schedule close to your own.

The activities he has been in also can lead to some play dates. My daughter was in Kindermusik, and she had post-class playdates with two other attendees on the grounds where class was held. That led to trips to the park and ice cream, and then later to special playdates on other weekdays. Suggest a picnic after t-ball, hot chocolate after hockey, or set up a blanket at the playground and bring extra juice boxes and share with others. You can make it low key, and when you get more comfortable in that role, you can try to organize an event for all of the participants of the activity to attend, like a family picnic at a playground. What's nice about this option is that everyone is already out of the house, dressed, and quite likely hungry or thirsty after the activity. It's a natural extension of the moment.

I'm trying to figure out what a mom's club is for, if not for potential playdates. Is there another mom's club to try out?

I also give my daughter lines to say to others. "Hi, I'm _____. Want to play on the teeter totter?" "Thanks for playing. See you next time." I found she wants to interact, but needs the vocabulary or the know how about how to start and continue a conversation.

Keep working at it. Take daily little efforts, and at some point it will blossom.

I'd make a play date for the local park. Keep it short for the first one. Do not be to intense just sit back and let it flow. If it doesnt work out dont worry about it. I also would get him into outside activites you can watch like karate or tumbling. If he can make connections out side of school it will minize the feeling of nothing inside of school

I would start by asking your son if there is anyone from his class he would like to invite over to play. In my experience, at this age, most kids are open to playing w/most kids in there class. Call and ask if so and so would like to come over to play.You could explain that you understand if she is not comfortable leaving her child w/strangers. You could ask the mom if she would like to come also, for coffee, or whatever. The two of you don't have to be BFF's! Although you never know! She may turn you down, and just drop off her child, or you might develop a real friendship. Either way, what is important is that your son has a chance to make some friends. We just moved to a new town this past summer. I had to go through the same type thing, not knowing anyone. It has worked out very well! I hope it does for you too! Another good option is McDonalds or Burger king w/a playground. That way you can meet them there and everyone has an 'escape' if needed! :)

I could have written this post myself! Too bad we didn't live closer - I'd be calling you asap!
My 5yo son is having trouble socially in k - just doesn't know how to join a group or approach another kid without being awkward. It is heartbreaking! He did much better in preschool/daycare - had playdates with those classmates a lot and for the most part it was fine. We still keep in touch with those kids for playdates - usually at a McDonalds that has a playplace so they can play while we Moms can sit and talk.
I talked to his k teacher and found out the one boy he was having positive interactions with at school. That mom ended up emailing me and inviting my son to her house for a playdate. Now I was the awkward one - never had a playdate at someone's house and didn't know what was expected - do I stay or go? I felt like I should stay since my son was having social probs, but then again didn't want that Mom to have to entertain me. So I emailed her and totally called myself out - "I'm an idiot, never did a playdate at someone's house...would you like me to stay or go? How long do we do this?" etc. Thankfully she was totally cool - I ended up staying for like 20 minutes to make sure all was well, then left as she had yardwork to do while the boys played (with my cell close by at all times). Overall it went really well. I think one-on-one is really important. My son goes to meltdown mode if he thinks other kids are ignoring him (meaning just giving attention to other kids).
It is a work in progress. He is still struggling and I am taking it day-by-day. He desperately wants friends..we role-play all the time on how to approach someone and how to join in. I never knew how hard this could be!l
Hopefully our boys will continue to grow and mature, and we will both look back on these times someday and laugh about how it was so tough!

I think having one child over is a great way to start him interacting well with his peers. The problem with the park could be other kids are in the mix and he sounds like he needs one on one. Ask the teacher to recommend some names, kids who might like to play and who might get along with your son. If you want to start over break , go ahead just understand if people say No we're going out of town and keep trying till you get a mom who says "YES! I was afraid the break would be long and boring!" At this age I would just expect the kid to come without the Mom but be aware that families from other cultures do not do this (drop their kids at other peoples houses unless they are related) so open the invitation to mom as well, esp if Mom is from another country

If I were you I would ask my son who in his class he would like to come over and play (girl or boy). Get 4 or 5 names and start calling! Don't be put off if some families are too busy and say no...just keep trying with the next person on your list. I would invite that child over to my house to play for an hour or hour and a half. I would tell the mom she is welcome to stay or drop off her child - whatever she is comfortable doing. When my son has playdates the kids just figure out what they want to do on their own. But be ready to make suggestions to them if needed. Some playdates we have had it is obvious the two boys just do not click and that is ok. If that happens to you just try again the next week with a different child. My son is in 2nd grade now and while he sometimes plays with neighbor kids, a lot of the time they are busy or not home. He has one playdate a week with one of his friends and we take turns with whose house it is at. It definitely helps with making good friends. I would wait until after Christmas bc everyone is so busy now and just do it after school one day. (For yourself you could set up a crockpot meal that day so it is easy and you can relax if the mom comes over). You could have a snack and drinks ready and be prepared to just chat with the mom. In Kindergarten my son and his friend would go outside and build a snow fort or they would play pretend games or jump on the trampoline. I remember playdates where they set up an obstacle course in his room for each other and they would sometimes play with nerf guns. A couple times I had them both help me make cookies. In the summer they would ride bikes/scooters outside. Sometimes they like to play spy and spy on me. Now that my son is a bit older they like to play board games or hide and seek. In Kindergarten usually both boys were very active and hyper bc they were so excited! I'd sit them down and feed them both a snack and when they were playing I would listen in case things went wrong. A few times the boys would disagree and get mad at each other and I would step in and mediate. Most playdates have gone just fine! Good luck. Once you have done this a few times you won't feel nervous about it. And remember not all playdates go well so you have to keep trying.

How to do a playdate with a stranger:

Call the parent and tell them your child would like to get to know their child better and would they be interested in getting together someplace like McDonalds or a park. They will be able to play together if they like and still find things to do if they don't like playing together.

You can always leave after an hour or so, they should be short and sweet with the kids wanting more time together.

Playdates at someones home are uncomfortable and stressful. If the child breaks something or does something that isn't allowed it is hard to discipline someone else's child.