How can you help or advise someone when they are having a pity party? A member of my family came to me and told me that he is so unhappy in his life...he hates his job because it is boring, he feels like he is in a dead end with it but has tried to seek out other emplyoment but has been unsuccessful. He needs surgery on his knee but for some reason has not taken the time to schedule the process of appointments to get the surgery (and he has no reason why he hasn't) so he complains of always being in pain. However when you ask why he hasn't made the appointment he says, "I guess I just like to be self destructive." His relationship with his wife is not what it used to be - she has put on weight and it bugs him and she has been down and out lately herself. He is normally quite a self-centered person so its not as if he is putting himself on the back-burner at the account of others. He is 38 with no kids. I am not a mean person but I can't help but think, "well, if you don't like your life then change it or quit bitching about it." I know maybe that is easier said than done but I just feel like, well at least you HAVE a job, a home, a wife, a car etc etc. Being the person that people usually come to with their problems I don't really know how to handle this one without being insensitive. Any advice??
This sounds just like every one of my in-laws!! Griping about their life but refusing to do anything to change the circumstance or even taking responsibility for getting themselves in the situation in the first place! After 17 years, I just nod my head, pretend like I'm sympathetic, and move on with my life. You can let them make you crazy, but it isn't worth it.
I was like that at one point in my life. A male friend of mine said "you know what...yes, things may suck, but either fix them or shut up about it because I am tired of hearing you repeat yourself...nothing happens to people who just complain."
At the time I was mad...but he taught me more than anyone else ever did. It completely changed how I look at problems. If I am not willing to offer a solution or fix the problem...I have no right to complain, period. I don't do it anymore, and I don't allow others. Sometimes the truth hurts and it takes a true friend to help us realize this.
I would say to him that "life is what you make of it". In reality, we all have hard times and are faced with challenges... some of them just happen, some of them we bring on ourselves. Happiness comes from working through those challenges to become bigger, stronger, wiser people. Sometimes life is telling us it is time to make a uturn and find a better, different road to follow. Sometimes life is telling us to perservere. Other times life is telling us to take things off our plate and simplify our lives. It can say "give more" or it can say "give YOURSELF more".
He'll only feel better if he realizes that he is responsible for finding his OWN happiness. Next time he starts complaining, kindly remind him of all of the things he has to be grateful for, by saying... "well it is great that you are so lucky to be doing ok... don't worry so much about what is going wrong, just focus on what makes you happy, and staying healthy... and I am CERTAIN you'll find the answers to your problems there..."
and then- don't get sucked into it any more. Only he can fix HIM... you can't. His happiness is probably right in front of him, and he can't see it. If he is REALLY upset, maybe a counselor or doctor can help him- that is their job... not yours. Be a good family member... sure- compassionate sure... but that doesn't mean you have to carry his burdens, no matter how much you love and care for him!
Good Luck!
-M.
He needs to do it on his own, you cant do it for him. He just wants you to feel sorry for him or join in is so called misserable life. People often forget and take advantage of what God has blessed them with. Maybe once he loses the job, the wife, the house etc.He'll realize what he had.
I would suggest that he take on volunteer work to give back. Often, the giver receives more than the receiver. Volunteering is very rewarding. This would help him gain some perspective and realize that there are many others in much worse situations than himself.
I'd also suggest he research other career options or expand the career he is in by earning an advanced degree or other training. Even if it means taking ONE class to get him moving.
Begin the conversation with "ultimately your destiny and happiness are in your own hands and you need to take steps, however small, to get there." Then, it really IS up to him. Good luck.
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Jamie, I understand how you feel. I just posted a post a couple of days ago about my sister who is similiar to your member of your family. See post if you like: http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12490715560616787969
Maybe there is something there from the responses and from what I said that could be of help.
People like that tend to thrive on their misery and that's all they can focus on. It really wears on those who have to listen to them. I have tried to tell my sister, who is always complaining about having difficulty making friends, that if you are always negative, of course you are going to have issues. People gravitate towards positivity. Dealing with someone who is always so negative, someone who is very needy, etc, is a lot of work. And to top it off, when we need to vent, they have a difficult time just listening, more times than not, they'll switch it to something they are dealing with, like they are trying to top what you said.
All I can say, is limit your contact as much as you can. If he starts to complain, you can turn it around on him and say, well what are you going to do about it? Or be like Dr. Phil, "How's that working for you?" OR you can say oh I'm sorry, and change the subject. OR you can confront him about it. Do it in a nice sensitive way. Like, "I understand that you are having issues with.......and I would be more than happy to help you set up a plan of action if you are going to agree to follow it. But if not, I wish you all the luck then with it, but I'm sorry, there's nothing more that I can say about it." OR "I'm really sorry you are going through this but I don't think I can be of any help to you with this. I am too close to the situation and am afraid that I will be unable to be objective so I think it would be a good idea that maybe you see a therapist or someone else. Maybe they can advice you as what the best option for you would be." I'm planning on doing this with my sister the next time she goes off on of her many woes.
It's not easy I know but you need to protect your peace of mind. Good luck. Sorry for the length. This is obviously something that is close to my heart right now.
He might be suffering from depression, and that can cause people to sort of "check out" from life, not be able to seek solutions and look beyond the here and now to what life potentially could be. If you feel comfortable doing so, suggest that he see his doctor about getting help with medication, and/or a therapist (marriage or otherwise).
He just needs to accept things. Without acceptance, one is in constant denial of the things that are happening in one's life. You have to tell him straight what you think about him but in a more subtle manner. Do not try to insult him or anything. Just make him realize what other people sees and that he cannot see about himself.
hes depressed advice antidepressants. i am usually a grounded person but i did hit a small era of depression after my baby yes post partum but still depression and i did exactly what you are describing. your comment "well if you dont like your life change it or quit biching is exactly what i needed to hear to snap out of it. so my advice tell him that.
I joined the Lion's Club-when you volunteer for charities that benefit the blind-you start to feel very grateful for what you have.
Tell him to SUCK IT UP! He is obviously self centered, he just gets his attention a different way now. People are all entitled to some complaining, as long as its not the same issues day in and day out. Tell him you dont want to hear him sniveling and complaining over things he can control. Gosh, weakness is frustrating to me, but PRETEND weakness to get attention is infuriating...
People complain when they feel powerless to change. Or sometimes they just need to vent. So you could ask, "Do you want advice or just need someone to listen?" If he complains repeatedly about the same things, I think it's OK to start challenging why he's stuck. Why does he stay in pain and not seek medical attn? Why is he being self-destructive? What is he trying to avoid by allowing all of these problems to continue. What do they distract him from dealing with? If didn't have these problems, what would he have to think about?
That said, sometimes the depression is caused by a chemical imbalance so he may really need to see a doctor for meds.
It is called Apathy.
