Perspective on the Cheating Husbands

Updated on July 22, 2012
E.V. asks from Tempe, AZ
10 answers

Hi moms,,I just read the news about a former NFL who left his pregnant wife for other woman. It scares me, knowing that a human heart could be so cold; she was pregnant. But I also read that many wives decided to forgive and rebuild the marriage. My husband almost cheat on me during my pregnancy, with a secretary in his department. He didn't make love, but he spent time with her and fantasize about her for 5 months until I found out. He didn't feed me well and didn't want to pay for prenatal vitamins and doctors visit( he did, but he grumbling and didn't buy me the vitamins). My family told me to divorce him, but the marriage counselor told me that I should see my hubby as my kid. If this kid is sick, will I leave my kid? He told me to stay with my husband until he is not " sick anymore". My husband was sexually abused when he was a kid by his friend. When my son was born with cleft lip, I decided not divorce bcause I want my son has a father figure and good parent support during the surgeries and therapies. But sometimes it is hurts knowing that he MIght be born with cleft because I didn't have proper nutrition ( my hubby brings the money, not me).
However, reading this news trigger some old wounds again. Our marriage is now good, we can laugh, not so many conflicts and our son is cute. But there's an empty feeling here. I don't feel the love for my husband. He has been very patient dealing with my anger.
But somehow there is a feeling if only I can have a fresh start, not to be stained by what he had done. I am also wondering if my marriage is like time bomb, just waiting for another cheat and Boom!

Have you ever been in my position? Do you forgive him? And how to deal with this feeling? Is there any good stories and happy ending out there?

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More Answers

A.C.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Oh dear. I read your question, thought Dawn's answer covered it pretty well, and then I went and mopped the kitchen...and could not stop thinking about your situation. I have to admit, I got good and furious, and now my floor is sparkling clean, so there's that!
So, here is my angry rant. First off, you are an adult. Not a pet. You say he did not feed you well during your pregnancy. What the hell! Do you have no say about what groceries are purchased for YOUR home? You have no input in the meals? You have to eat only what he provides? He would not buy prenatals. Do you have no say in your health, in your children's health? That is not a marriage!! You are his WIFE and you are supposed to be a team, working together. You both have equal say in how the household is run. Even if HE earns the actual paycheck. It sounds like he is in total control of the finances, prenatals are just a few dollars a bottle. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds as though you do not even have your own spending money. I am sorry, but this arrangement sounds like absolute rubbish. No wonder you feel empty. You cannot trust him to feed you, look after yours and your child's health, or even stay loyal to you.
I would advise that you seek a new therapist. I would follow what Dawn said about getting some education and a job and saving some money. Best of luck, you deserve so much more than this.

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E.F.

answers from Kansas City on

I agree with Jessica Wessica. Also, am I missing something? Why are some of you advising her to go to a shelter and telling her she can get a divorce being that she said things are now good? I mean, yes, sure, she could get a divorce, even as a Christian, but they are not currently experiencing the affair. It was four years ago.

Mowmowci, you're just hurting yourself by dwelling on the past. I think you should work with a new therapist who can help you get beyond the bad things in the past and focus on the good things in the present. Maybe you can have some couples sessions too.

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

You should never project your experiences on others. Chances are very good it is completely different.

I would think it is an equally cold act to conceive a child knowing your marriage is in the crapper. At least to me it is stoopid to think that having a child fixes everything.

Regardless my ex cheated, actually cheated not just hanging out with someone rather than me. I forgave it a few times before it became an issue.

You need to let go because this isn't about his actions with that woman, you sound pissed because you feel he neglected you during your pregnancy. If you can't identify the issue there is no way you can get past it.

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S.B.

answers from San Diego on

Seriously, that sounds crazy to me! I have not been in your situation but to me it sounds like a awful situation and your therapist did you a disservice. Your husband is NOT a child so to me it's ridiculous you should be put in the position that you should be looking at him like he is. The facts are that your husband didn't take care of you and your son, HIS unborn child while you were pregnant and your son has a medical issue that could have been caused by his Dad's neglect. Like Dawn said, you should get a job and put yourself in a position that if you decide to leave, you are financially secure that you can.

Good luck...!

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

I've not been in the situation when someone cheated. I can't answer to that.

Men don't realize the importance of health and prenatal care. It is up to you to take care of yourself... no one else will.

Harboring the anger you STILL have is not healthy. You blame your husband for things that were not under his control... he can put food on the table but if you were so angry and choose not to eat it is your fault, not his.

You assume he will cheat.. he never did to start with, although he may have thought about it.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work and if you are Mrs Angry 24/7 he will not want to stick to the marriage with you. No one likes living with someone who is angry all the time and has nothing good to say or do for anyone. He will look to someone who will give him positive feedback, in the workplace or elsewhere. Everyone needs positive feedback from a spouse/partner not 100% 24/7 anger with someone bringing up resentments all the time.

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M.S.

answers from Portland on

I know that I'll sound different from others here, but, is it possible>>> they were in another country without health care. That means health care knowledge that WE know here. What do men in this type of place know about prenatal care? And, if they are newly married, is he freaking out because now he is responsible for 2 people completely. For some guys this is almost too much to bear, and they act out. They skimp all the money there is because really trully there can never be enough. And, he needs to keep all he has for the rest of forever. That much responsibility is A LOT!!!

So, if he didn't know that prenatal vitamins were really important, and they are expensive, then he wouldn't want to pay for them.
You said you didn't eat because he was at work...don't you think he ate at work while away from you? So why wouldn't you eat without him? Did he take all the food with him or lock it up?
The other woman, he talked to, spent time with, fantasized about, but didn't actually "cheat" with. He was longing for the days before he got married, had to worry about providing for 2 more people, and could dream about any girl in the world. It doesn't mean that he didn't want you, or your child, it was just a very hard adjustment period.

If you look at it from this perspective, then what he did is understandable. It makes sense, especially since he is a good husband and father now. Does any of this sound familiar to you from what he has said about it when you talk to your husband? Or, have you told him?

Sit down and talk to your husband again and see what he has to say, it might surprise you.

For your son, has he gotten his cleft lip fixed? If not, you should contact the Shriner's hospital in your area and let them know what he has. They will help him for free and make sure he gets everything he needs. Including transportation if you can't get there.

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J.K.

answers from Kalamazoo on

There is a groc store in our area that fills prenatals for free. If not in your area Medicaid will pay for them. WIC provides healthy food for pregnant and nursing women and small children. There is also loaves and fishes, plus tons of.other places and resources you could turn to for help. Though your husband shouldnt have acted like such an a$$hole while you were pregnant, you were ultimately responsible for.your health of you and of your unborn child. I guess its kind if the cross we bear as women and mothers. Be strong for your son and dont allow your husband that position of power over you again. If you really want to.make it work with him, why not try some counseling. I dont think cheating is always a deal breaker, but for me the way he treated you when you were pregnant would be.

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K..

answers from Phoenix on

Either let go & move forward, or get yourself some counseling to sort your feelings out.

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S.E.

answers from New York on

trust is a hard thing to get back.. it takes time.. u cant say sorry and a week later expect things to be normal ... my fiance has never cheated.. if he did id literally make his life a living hell .. id never be able to look at him the same ever again... i wont go into detail but i caught him in a lie.. he begged me not to leave him and i didnt but i told him flat out u cant expect me to be the same u cant expect the trust i used to have for u its gna take quite a while for that to coem back

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