Perfectionist Mother Stops at One - Help

I feel your pain. I had the same concerns when I had my first child. I was afraid to have any more because I thought I couldn't be "the best" mom to more than one. However, a great friend of mine told me that the greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling. A sibling is someone who also has you as a mom. I thought about that and decided that being a perfectionist is such a burden on me, why should I put that burden on my son w/o others who can relate? So, my husband and I decided to have another child. We were blessed with twins! Boy, did that cure me of my need to be "the best" mom to more than one... I've learned that I am the best mom I can be and that my children, just like so many others in the world, will be wonderful people because our family is strong and loving. I am in no way suggesting that you haven't made the right decision for your family. I just saw myself in your post, and thought I'd share with you what my friend said that changed my life.

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J., You say that you are a firm believer in attachment parenting but I think you should consider if you could be "too attached." Don't get me wrong, I also take principles from attachment parenting and incorporate them into my mothering. Just don't assume that because of what you have read, you won't make mistakes! We all do!!!
What I am saying is their is no right way to mother. I have 6 children and feel many times a day that I am in over my head. The good thing about those feelings for me is that they are fleeting. I have come to realize that my children's needs are met on a daily basis, just not always by me. Sometimes the oldest( 14 yr old boy) is the one to cuddle and comfort hurts. Sometimes the oldest girl ( 11 ) gives baths at night to my youngest. ( twin girls 22 mo.) I believe that all of my children benefit from my coming to understand that I am not the only one who can make my children good people. I am trusting what I have done with the older ones and I see how it filters down to the younger ones. I have surrounded myself with people whom I trust and know that they are good backups for me if I am busy with another one. Another postive side effect of having mulitple children is that they learn very early on that the world does not revolve around them. I think our society needs a much larger dose of that anyway. I applaud your vulnerability to reach out and I support your decision to only have one if thats what is right for you. I just want you to think about the fact that you may do everything "right" and your child may still not be what you thought regardless of how many you have.

SAHM 38, 6 kids boy 14, girl 11, girl 5, girl 3, twin girls almost two.

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You just have to do what feels right to you and don't worry about what other people say. They're not going to be raising a second child-you are.
However, if you want another child but are afraid you won't be able to give them 100%, just let it go a little. Kids don't need 100%, they just need your love and guidance. You'd be surprised what you can do.
I'm a "reforming" perfectionist myself, but as I let things go a little I find that it's OK. Things don't get that crazy, nothing drastic happens. It all works out in the end. I'm sure you would find a way to handle it all if you want to.
I am a SAHM after teaching for over 10 years, and my husband was deployed for a year when my son was a very active 2. I didn't know how I could do everything by myself. Sometimes the house wasn't as clean as I like to keep it. Sometimes we had chicken nuggets for dinner, but it was OK. We were fine, and my son continues to teach me that things don't always go the way you planned. The important thing is that we love and support each other.
I try to focus on the bigger things now: spending time with my family and building memories. My house is dirty again five minutes after I clean it with my son running around. There is always laundry in the hamper, even though I wash a load almost every day. I want to teach my son to do his best, but I don't want him to think he has to be perfect-none of us are. I want to teach him that people are more important than perfection.

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J.-amen! i can completey appreciate where you are coming from. However a different twist maybe to consider what you want from family life in general. are you ok with your son being an only child? do you actually like being a parent? outside of finance, is there room in your heart and life for another child?

there's no right or wrong answer. just stuff to consider. i am pushing 40. i do want more children. financially, it's going to be hard. but that financial hardship is tempoary in the bigger picture called life.

we don't plan to start until our son is school age and out of daycare. he will go to public school.

the one thing i know for sure...there is no perfect parent.
you are going to make mistakes. and ya know what...it's ok.

hope this helps.

mzbmore

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I am not a perfectionist, but I understand what you are feeling right now. I have been married for 6 years and have a child from a previous relationship. For the past six years of my marriage, all that people keep asking me is when we are going to have kids. Especially my sister-in-law who has 4 of her own, not married, and can barely take care of them. At any rate, that's another issue in itself. I agree with one of the responses that stated that sometimes people may ask that question as a conversation starter. Simply and politely inform them what you may and move on. Then there are others like my sister-in-law. I told her two things that seemed to have gotten her off my back. 1. She has had enough for the both of us and 2. When she sets up a savings account to help provide financialy for my child then I will have another one. Now I wouldn't suggest to go that route, but I think you get the picture. LOL. Seriously though, I just think people forget sometimes that babies will eventually grow into adults. And while they are waiting for you to have that little bundle...how much help will they be when it comes to rasing him/her. Bottom line, you know what's best for you and your family so stick to it, you're doing great!

Think of your him for a moment,if as you say, you take the overly acedemic approach than your demands on your son might be the same and could smuther him trying to teach him all the right ways to do everything. Also it would make good sense for him to have a sibbling to share your family life with him as his peer.
On a different note, I have friends who felt the same way as you and their decision to have a second child came when they had to plan a funeral and bury the boys grandfather. As the boys father had a brother and 3 sisters he thought it would be really hard for a single child to have to do that all on their own. Could you go part time for a while because I also believe children need alot of our time and love after all that is why we have children to be able to share our love and our children are our most precious achievements. Each of us have different prespectives on what we imagine would be difficult when raising children. We have three children, one who has special needs. We would think having two "normal" children would be wonderfully easy. I wish you all the best in your decision making. L. from Queensland, Australia.

First of all, the decision to have more children is entirely up to you and your husband, regardless of the reason. I stopped at one too, and have absolutely no regrets or any desire to have another. My reasons are similar to yours: we can't afford to live on just my husband's income; I'm rather high-strung and don't need to put more stress on myself; plus I just don't have the energy to deal with middle-of-the-night feedings, diapers and potty training. I love being able to devote all our resources -- money, time, energy -- to our beautiful daughter. I think these are perfectly valid reasons, and if other people don't agree that's their problem, not yours!

In the same vein, moms who want to have more than one, or many children, have their perfectly valid reasons too. What it comes down to is how many children you and your husband want to have. If it's one, that's great! If more, that's great too!

As for perfectionism: I know from experience you will drive yourself crazy if you try to be perfect at everything. Plus, you will end up trying to project your perfectionism onto your child. As my daughter has grown and developed into her own person (she's 8 now), I've found myself trying to make her do everything perfectly too, when many times it really doesn't matter. Example: Her messy room may drive me nuts, but as long as no one gets lost, it really doesn't matter.

Plus, I've had to learn and accept that I'm going to screw up at something in my parenting every single day -- but kids are remarkably resilient and forgiving of our snafus! My folks sure made their share of mistakes, but I love them still and managed to grow into a productive adult!

One last thing: I used to completely obsess over what the parenting books, magazines and websites said about "correct" child rearing. I finally couldn't take the self-inflicted guilt anymore and threw them out. I felt much better after that and learned to trust my own instincts. At the end of the day, if my daughter is still alive & healthy and saying "I love you, Mama," then I consider myself a successful mom!

Have another one!
I promise: It will make/help you relax! Great for your child to have a sibling too.

Think about it!

I think all the perfectionist moms who have responded have provided such a good perspective. But, since i'm not a perfectionist, i will offer this: if you got to the end of your life and looked back on this decision, would you regret it? In other words, over the grand scheme of your life, do you think you would see this decision differently? If not, then stick with one kid. If yes, then have another. Mommies can be attached to more than one kid; perhaps your kid wants to be a little less attached to you -- at age 3 he starts to want to do things on his own. I'm pretty sure that attachment parenting doesn't specifically say you should only have one. As for being a perfectionist, I hope you realize that most of us are making mistakes with their kids everyday, sometimes more than one mistake per day. Kids seem to survive. Guilt doesn't help anyone be happy.

It seems to me that it isn't anyone else's business.
There is nothing wrong in being an only child. I am an only child so are my daughter and Grandson. We are all fine. We weren't and aren't spoilt. We are perfectly well adjusted people. We didn't need siblings to learn how to share, we manage quite well to get along with others, so if you do not want another child don't have one.

Only have more children if you want them. When my sister in law asked when we were having another child I told her she had had my share. She had five children and my husband's other brother had seven. The family didn't need anymore.

I missed having any siblings when my father died, but having full resposibility for my mother wasn't too onerous and I didn't have to consult with anyone else when she died.

I would recommend having an only child to anyone. Don't have other children because others expect it from you. The world is already over populated, and often by children who were born because it was the duty of the mother to provide more family members.

It is up to you to make that decision and not your nosy friends.

Hi, I know you've gotten a lot of advice, but I wanted to let you know that my husband is an only child (his parents couldn't have any more after him) and he really wishes he had a sibling. There were definite perks to being the only child (financially, relationally, etc), but he definitely feels like he missed out on some things since he never had a sibling. I say all this to tell you that if fear is what is truly motivating you to only have one think about your child's well being years down the road. Your son will benefit from having another child in his life who can understand him better than his friends because they'll have the same history.

Just a thouht. I believe in sibblings, the only child will get lonely and spoiled. I have one and would love to have one more, I'm an older mom, and I would love to have the two playing together. About work, have you ever thought of working from home, maybe have someone helping you at home, some half days, while you whithdraw to your computer, phones or whatever is necessary. I don't know your background, but my personal vision is to be able to have my own buissness working from home, still be there for the kids in case, and beeing able to be in control of my time and money.
It's just some thoughts! Good luck to you!
M.

J.,

I'm a "perfectionist" not just about Motherhood, but about life in general! I have three boys and went through serious anxiety when I decided to have my second about taking time away from my first son. But when my sister had a baby when my son was about a year old and I saw how much he loved being around a baby and just giggled and played with him- I knew it was best for him to have a brother or sister to grow up with. I'm former military--some time at West Point and my standards have always been high. Some say drop them--but they are a part of who I am. But being a mother made me think a lot more that making the choice to have a child is a lot less about me and a lot more about them and the type of person I want them to be. I quit my full time job at the Pentagon. At 8 Months pregnant opened my own company and have been working from home ever since. My first son is about to turn 9- my second is 7 1/2 and third is now 5 and just getting ready to start school. My youngest starts K-garten full time this fall and I have my days back for work. My sons on any given day are best friends or worst enemies. But they always love one another and when my husband and I are gone will always have one another. Some of the best things in life aren't easy-- they don't cost a lot -- but they give us the best rewards.

You just have to decide if in your heart you want another child-- it may mean chaos and it may get messy with two little ones running around. Some days you will say "what was I thinking" but if you already have one-- you've gone through it and survived. There are no rules to this motherhood and our options today make it even harder when the choices are all ours. But being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections both yours and theirs. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Simply say, "No." Or, "Not at this time." If they need more of an explanation, which they don't require, tell them what you wrote. If they press, you may need to be rude and say, "It's none of your business." Because it isn't.

I understand exactly where you're coming from! I too am a perfectionist, to the point where I was stressing myself out over doing things "the right way". If people are asking if you want another, just be honest and tell them you already have one perfect child and are completely satisfied. IF you're looking for advice on how to chill out a bit, all I can say is that there comes a time when you have to choose between "perfectionism" and "sanity"; you'll know it when you get there. Good luck! And kudos to you for knowing yourself so well.

I believe every parent has a fear of failing their children wheter it's one kid or more. But if you are more comfortable having 1 kid and you are happy and will continue to be happy, then basically tell the people to mind their business.

Hi J.,
First of all, every Mom goes through what you are going through. Dads too. I even find myself asking friends the question when I myself hated being asked. You have to look at the question as more of a conversation started.
Anyway, the decision to have a second child is completely up to you and your hubby. No other family member or friend should have a say or pressure you into it. They're not the ones that have to be up at 2 for a feeding and then at 5 to go to work.
I am a very strong believer in things happening for a reason. My Grandma used to always tell me to just take life as it comes. God will NOT give you more then you can handle. I've been pregnant 3 times. All unplanned by me, and all life changing. My life is crazy, I don't get a lot of sleep, and the laundry sometimes gets sorted on the same day and sometimes stays in the baskets, but its always clean.

M.

I, too, chose to stop at one for a myriad of reasons...most entirely practical.

1. My age.

I was 35 when my daughter was born, and I feel fortunate that she is healthy and normal. Increased maternal age => increased likelihood for Downs Syndrome and other problems.

Also, as you well know, child-rearing takes a great deal of time and energy, even if one does not work outside the home. I know there are many who have children well into their 40s but...I just can't.

2. Day care and other expenses.

Both my husband and I work full-time outside the home. When our daughter was an infant we were spending $1000/month in day care. Having more than one in full-time day care would have been unaffordable (as would me giving up my job). Had I been some years younger I may have considered #2 when #1 started public school, but I wasn't, so we didn't.

Because our parents paid for our college education, we feel some obligation to pay for our daughter's. I don't see how we're going to save enough...at the rate tuition increases are going, a four-year education at the local state school will be well into six figures.

3. I can handle only so much!

My daughter is very strong-willed, and a difficult child to manage, not only for us but also for her teachers. And she's been strong-willed from the get-go, well BEFORE the "terrible twos." She is also very bright and active.

Generally, I'm not easily ruffled, but I sometimes get stressed out by my daughter's behavior issues, and I am quite sure that dealing with sibling rivalry would send me over the edge.

I'm not a perfectionist, and I think children are resilient enough that they won't be messed up by most of our mistakes, but I know my limits, and one is it. I'm not offended when people have asked about a #2...I just say #1 is enough!

Hi J.!
My first bit of advice is to relax. No matter how hard you try, things don't always go the way you want when raising a child. I have only one (he's 20) & my reasoning was I knew we could always afford one. But in the last 4 years we've lost a lot of family members, & sometimes I feel guilty because my son has no siblings to help him if something happens to my husband & I. He says it's fine (he has some good friends). I used to babysit, twin girls & sometimes it was extremely overwhelming (my nieces). But at the end of the day I could give them back. If you don't think you can handle it, don't do it. You have to think of yourself also. Most moms do the bigger load of work when it comes to children (not that there aren't some wonderful men that do the same). As for the fear of failure, I think we all have that same fear to an extent. Just remember to love & support your child, & you can't fail. Some are smarter, some are athletic, some are geeks (mine) but that's life. Just relax & enjoy the blessing you have because it won't be long & he'll be getting his drivers license, graduating from high school, etc.

Hi J.,
I think half the battle is realizing the "perfectionist" part. I am also VERY Type A & an overachiever. I too have very high standards & believe in either mom or dad being the primary influence on a child when they are younger. I am also an "older" mom...I had my first child at 30...but continued on to have a total of 3 kids in 5 years. I stopped my job as a Physical Therapist & opened my own home-based day care so that I could still work F.T. (MD has just too high a cost of living for our family to afford living here on one income.) I decided that I just needed to think creatively on how I could raise my kids, but still be a provider for my family. I think if you focus this "drive" that you have, you could grow your family & possibly not have to give up raising them. I've taken countless child development classes over the course of being a day care provider (almost a decade now). Birth order was one that truly fascinated me. My instructor read a quote that I still remember clearly...she said..."No one in life should ever be pitied, but if there was someone who needed pity, it would be the only child." Only children...esp. those that don't get the peer group socialization on a daily basis thru a preschool or day care or mom's group...tend to lack the skills on relating to other children their own age. They are showered with soo much attention that they come to think the entire world will treat them this way & often grow up resenting their parents for their low adaptability to life's situations. This was a very scary fact for me. Also, who will be there for your child when they reach adulthood & you and your husband are not here any longer? You are their only family. Siblings are a gift. They help each other learn life skills & eventually they will lean on each other during life's trials. Studies say that a child's personality is fully developed by the time that they are age 5. After that...a new baby is considered a "second" family. I hope this information helps. I always try to "check" myself to make sure that I'm not modeling too much of my perfectionism for my kids. Kids don't need that kind of stress in their young lives. I always wanted to be a mother...never a "smother." Hee hee

Hi J., I too am a perfectionist parent. I told my husband that I absolutely would NOT have another until I was out of the military and could stay at home. Leaving my first one in child care at 6 weeks was too difficult for me. He was ok, kids are so flexible and adjustable, but I didn't want to have to force another one to adjust. I also had the same worries about not being able to give my all to two children.

Here's what happened. We waited until my older son was 5 and then got pregnant. He's old enough to be so excited and feel a sense of personal responsibility toward his little brother. We all couldn't be happier with "our" baby (now 6 months). The large age gap makes all the difference in the world because now part of educating my older son includes care of his little brother so I am giving my absolute best to both of them at the same time. Making the jump from one to two can be scary, but it's also an incredible joy. The fear of letting one or the other down is usually unfounded, especially for someone like you and I who take such great pains to develop strong bonds with our children.

About needing to work, that is regrettable. If you really want to have another baby I would suggest sitting down with your husband and discussing family finances. It could be that your cost of living expenses could be drastically reduced, especially if you don't have to maintain a separate "work" life including gas, wardrobe and child care for your eldest etc. Maybe you could move to a more affordable house, or town where you can have the opportunity to stay at home. (I have some suggestions if you would like.) It sounds like a lot of work and sacrifice, but I think children are completely worth any amount of sacrifice and I'm sure you feel the same.

I would however, ONLY recommend this if YOU really want another baby. Don't let other people's opinions pressure or influence you. If you feel like you want to continue the way you are and that right now your son is getting the best of you and you don't want to sacrifice any of that, then by all means, continue on. This is your life and ultimately you are the one responsible for the proper care and feeding of any children you have so it's entirely your decision.

If you really do want another baby I'm sure there's a way to make it work. Remember, where there's a will, there's a way.

If you want to chat some time or are interested in any cost of living cut ideas, hit me up with a message and I'll get back to you.

Good Luck with all your endeavors.

D.

27 year old SAHM to two boys ages 5 yrs. and 6 months. Avid breastfeeder and adamant nature+nurture advocate. Author of my own parenting style :).

Hi J.,

I'm a almost 40 yr old mom of a six year old and people ask me all the time when I'm having another one. I tell them "all my mothers children only have one child and I'm not breaking the trend!" My daughter has very good friends at school that she plays with on weekends or during breaks and she is very happy. If you only want one and people can't understand then its their problem. Have fun with your one!!!!

I think I am somewhat similar to you. Never really looked at it that way before though! I am a stay at home mom, with two girls. I have the same feelings about having a third child, that there is too much I want to do with my children I have, that I feel if I have a third... I wouldn't be able to be the kind of mother that I want to be to any of them. All I can really give you, is my experience of having my second. That first year was the most stressful year I have ever had (but I had other issues going on with my husband at the time as well), and I feel like I did "fail" in that first year. I resorted to dealing with things in a manner that I had always vowed to never be like. I still feel bad about it all, have regrets... but I know I was emotionally stressed out to the max, and I did do my best. Now that my daughters are a bit older and out of the infancy stage, I am back to "normal", and handling things the way I wanted to. I would say, two is managable, and I can still do with both of them what I did with the first, it just took a little time to get to that point. For me, I do wonder if I had some other things like post-pardum going on. Within in the past year though, I have also learned to ease up a bit, relax as a mother. Not every mother is going to feel more children is the right choice for them. You know your family, and should choose right for your family. I do, however, think that if you chose to have another..you would do fine, and be happy you made the choice!

Being a mom is really tough. I have 3 little girls. We, as parents, can only do the best we can. As long as you do what is best for your family, that's all you can do. You need to relax and believe you are doing what's right. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. As long as you love your child and do what you feel is right, then your child(ren) will be fine. I am always so sad when I hear people say they only want one. I have 2 sisters and my husband is an only child. He missed out on a lot by being an only child. He also had to deal with the death of his father alone and when his mom passes -- it's just not the same to go through it with me as opposed to a sibling. I look at our family -- we don't have a lot of money or time to ourselves, but we have a lot of love in our home. I personally feel that we owe it to our children to give them a sibling. I also prefer not to have my kids in daycare. Is there anything you could do part time, or from home? Are there any things you can do without? (a gym membership, a boat, etc.) Just think about your son when making the decision to have more. I think only children miss out on so much in life. Having siblings help us learn a lot about the world. We learn to share and to be compassionate. We learn more about love (and fighting :])from our siblings. My sisters are my very best friends. And at this point, my girls are all really close and I see them being close later in life. Think about your life as a child and other people you know. You may find that one is the way to go, but you may also find that another will offer a more "colorful" world for your family. I hope you decide to have another, but you just need to look at all sides of the situation and do what you believe is best. Regardless of how many you have, try to relax a little and enjoy your children while they are young. You will still be a good mom, even if you "wing it" from time to time. Sometimes spontaneity can be a good thing! I don't read any books about how to be a good parent anymore. I feel that as long as I'm doing what I think is the right thing, then that's the best I can do. I trust my instincts. Who can know your children better than you? Good luck with your decission.

J.,

Everyone who has responded before me has said everything I wanted to say. I would also like to add that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. You will find things with your son that later in life you will wish you did differently. I am a mom of 2 wonderful children. My daughter was diagnosed at age 2 of being autistic. She is about to turn 4 in July and though we have had some issues to work through, I wouldn't change a thing. My son is 18 months and is so intelligent. I will find things later that I will wish to have done differently. Just remember that no matter what you choose, you will have friends that will stand behind you and help support your decision. Everyone is afraid of failing as a parent. I was. It's not easy being a parent, but it is the most rewarding when you see your little one grow. Some moms have children that grow up and become something awful, but there is nothing in the world that would change a mom's love for her child. You care enough to make sure your child has everything they need and are well taken care of. I don't know about your beliefs, but if you God wants you to have a second child, He will provide a way for you to stay home and allow your husband to make enough. Just keep faith. Hope this encourages you in your decision and if you ever just need a shoulder to cry on, send me an e-mail.

Good morning! I have 3 children ages 13, 8 (next week), and 20 months. I know what you mean because I question myself EVERYday about am I doing enough, giving enough, and so forth. Also, I have to work as well. I did get an involuntary stay at home op in Nov 2006 when I was furloghed and that gave me time to spend mor ewith my youngest but it was financially difficult.I have been back at work FT aince August of 2007.

It is hard. Frankly, I think whether you have one child or more, all parents question their efforts and the success of them. No one person can do it all for another and that is why it is good to have a "support" network or other people in your life that you trust who may be able to assist where you are short. It is true, "it takes a village", even for one. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but I am. I often pray that God will provide, guide, and protect my children where I am not, cannot or have not. I trust God to fill in my pieces. Plus, I have a few other family and friends that can speak to or interact with my children at times when I am stretched or because they care.

Whatever you decide, it is for you to decide! People always ask questions about things that they possibly should not. I know it is human nature to think people want there houses running over with kids but some do not for whatever reason want that. Do not let any thing stop you from having another except that it is what you really want and you are at peace with the decision and satisfied. If you have questions within yourself about the matter then you may want to re-evaluate your decision. You give your best to your child and if you have another, give your best. That is all any of us can do, our best and provide the best we can to help them grow in all aspects. Trust if you do have another that Whoever, if you are a spiritual person, will give you what you need to meet the task.

I hope I have been of some help. Have a good weekend!

L.

Hi J.: I think that we all want the best for our children. However, having a child as you know is a big responsibility whether you work or not. We are all human and none of us are perfect. I would suggest only having a second child if that's truly and sincerely what you want. Life is not perfect. I have one child and had thought about having a second. However, I am very happy with my life and our one child. For those who constantly persist and ask us about a second child, I politely tell them "no." If they persist, I politely tell them to "mind their own business." My husband and I know what's best for us and that's what I think you should do - what's best for you and your family.

A little about me: A career mom, 38, married 5 years with a 4 year old son.

it is as simple as do you want a second child? Everything else will fall into place. As long as you are an active mother in your childs life you will never fail. They love you no matter what. Good Luck;)

Hi J.,

Only you will know if you really want to have another child or not. It may not be something you are comfortable with at this point but you may feel more drawn to it at another time. No one else can tell you when or if you should have another child. That is up to you and your spouse to decide based on what the two of you want, plan, desire, and are comfortable with.

With that being said, I can tell you based on my experience a great deal of those perfectionistic ways tend to slowing fly out the window when you do have a second child. We all tend to be a bit more picky and obsessive with our first. We really do lighten up a bit after our second child. Thats not to say you will not worry, panic, or want things to go more smoothly than they do at times, but you will learn to let go a bit more.

Good Luck, and don't let others that think they can plan your life better than you get to you.

About what exactly are you asking for advice? Is it how to respond to people asking insensitive questions or whether or not you are justified in wanting to have only one child? I had my one and only at age 37, and by that time was pretty firmly convinced that would be it. That decision is yours and your husband's and nobody else's! Whatever your reasons are, there is nobody who can tell you they are not good reasons! I am very happy that I have one child to love, and for reasons of age, energy, financial resources, and lifestyle choices this is just right for us. As a former teacher (and soon to be returning to the classroom) some of my favorite students happened to be onlies and told me they were happy in their "single" status. The myth that only children are unhappy, lonely, and at any kind of social or emotional disadvantage to those with siblings has been disproven by an abundance of research. But if you know in your heart that you would love to have another child and you're afraid, then discuss this with your support system (hubby, parents, friends) and see if you can get help dealing with these issues and raising two children. Just remember that it seems to be human nature to butt one's nose into places where it doesn't belong, and that's no reflection on you and your choices and should have no bearing on them! Since you confess to an "overly academic approach" to parenting, if you want to read a book on the topic I can recommend "You and Your Only Child" by Nachman and Thompson. Good luck!

My two children are 5 1/2 years apart. Here are my thoughts:
1. Even the best parent with the best intentions makes mistakes. A "perfect mom" does not make for a perfect child. As someone who used to do counseling, take my word on that one. I saw more people who had problems living an adult life in the shadow of perfection and too much structure in their home than I did from people growing up in an average home (where there was unstructured and imperfect time, as well).
2. Make sure you relax enough and show your thought processing to your child that he can understand that sometimes decisions are difficult and sometimes you make mistakes and have regrets. It will help him be better prepared for real life.
3. My husband and I "wore" our son (Baby Bjorn, sling, etc.) much of the time we were with him. I went back to work when he was 3 months. He is one of the most well-adjusted children I know. He is great at transitions to new environments and new people and is very close with both of us. Our work schedules didn't have a negative impact on him. Don't feel bad about going back to work. Our 2 year old is doing great in a caring daycare environment, as well.
4. It is absolutely amazing to watch our formerly only child be the best big brother to his baby sister. He reflects to her the parenting style we used with him. So sweet!

Good luck to you! Your son is lucky to have such a thoughtful, loving mother.

Yikes. Well, I'm not sure how to label myself, but I can say I'm not "overly obsessive". I have two children (23 months apart) so I hope my opinion helps. First of all, I'm not sure what you want advice about. How to tell people you don't want more kids or whether or not to have more kids. I'm guessing it's the latter.

It sounds like your concern about having more children is based on your ability as a mom and a person. Can you handle it? Will you fail? Will you have to change your rigid ways? Well, I think the answers are all, yes. We all fail at times, it's natural. You did research, but you didn't get a customized manual and as far as I can tell, experts can be wrong and they don't know your child. Heck, they change the rules every few years (back to sleep, when to feed solids, etc). As long as we parent with love in our hearts and truly try to raise them to be good people who understand right and wrong as well as compassion and try to give them a desire to try to succeed, they'll turn out fine. My parents did a lot of things differently, because that's what the experts said to do and I survived. (something to consider when you think about the necessity for your "overly academic approach", when will the experts change those rules?)

I have a friend who is rather rigid. She has a schedule and keeps a schedule. Everything has a place and every day is planned at least the day before. Result, her child (who granted probably was born with some gene predisposing her to this way of life) has jumped off the deep end. She has a fit if a "downstairs book" ventures upstairs. She comes unglued if a playmate puts a babydoll in the wrong carriage. She gets up every morning and asks mommy for the plan for the day and gets upset if it isn't complete. Everything they do is a ritual and it must be the same. The mom sees the problem that's been created and is trying to be more relaxed in hopes of helping her child relax but as you can imagine, it's hard.

I'm not suggesting your child is like this, but you should consider that children learn from their parents. They pick up habbits, learn worries and stress and immitate. I am guessing that your still pondering having more children or you wouldn't have bothered posting here. It would be easier to just tell people no, we're not having more. So, I think you should look for the positives about having another child and then decide what will make your whole family environment happier. The answer could go either way. If you're not on board, I think it's a bad idea. Here are a few positives, but there are many more...

Baby "A" will have a playmate at all times and also someone to argue with. This may try your patience, but this presents an opportunity to teach them how to build good skills to resolve disputes. They will have to learn to share and wait their turn to speak and be a good influence. Sure they learn some of this at school, but they often act differently at home. They will learn that life isn't always fair and it's healthy to know this before you're an adult.

Also, you will have an opportunity to not be so rigid. Life gets a little more unpredictable with a second child... mainly because they are different personalities and you think you already have it all figured out with the first one. Perhaps you are past the diaper routine and you feel like you know what to expect from your little one and how to handle it. Perhaps you are concerned about handling two different age ranges (loading diaper bags and soccer bags... looking like you're going out of town instead of to a 2 hour soccer game). Rigid people need to relax and be more spontaneous and enjoy the moment. Spontaneous people need to learn to plan, be organized and be on time.

I think having a second child is a very exciting and scary thing. Life is a little hard for the first year (especially if the older one is less than 3). It's hard to go back to getting up at night to feed the baby and changing countless diapers... remember what those days were like? Now think about what the current days are like and how great you older child is. Wasn't it worth a short time (in the grand scheme of things) of difficulty to have such a great little kid in your life?

I think people who don't want children should not have them. I think children should be brought up in a loving household with parents who want them and cherrish them. I think it is so important that you be honest with youself and make an honest decision. Don't make a decision based on guilt or what other people think. Your child(ren), husband and you will all be happiest if you make a decision that makes you happy.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Liz
p.s. As for child care, I'm a stay at home mom so it's hard for me to comment. Perhaps you can find a home care situation with less children.

I understend where your coming from and I agree with what your saying. On the other hand I have 7 children ages 13,11,9,8,3,2 and my youngest is 2 months old. I am a stay at home mom and I do babysitting on the side because I hate the thought of putting my children in daycare. Sometimes I think I bit off more than I can chew and we do have to make sacrifices because we have such a large family, but I have always been able to adapt to the changes of a new addition. I think the decission is totally up to you, your beleifs and what you think your able to handle. I hope this but of info was able to give you a little more in sight. Like my dad always told me "you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it. The only thing stopping you is yourself".

Hi,
Being a mom is about trusting your instincts, and cultivating/developing your abilities to do that. So trust yourself to know yourself above all else. My suggestion for you is to take a short retreat time for yourself - say 30 minutes - and sit in nature. Let the answer come and totally trust that. It's ok either way.
Mothering is not about being perfect and meeting people's needs perfectly. It's about creating a community of people and experiences that can enrich children.
Sounds like you deeply care and that's the core!!! So trust! and good luck!
blessings, N.
ps - i hold a women's drumming circle monthly in the Chantilly area which might be very helpful for you. you can contact me at ____@____.com

I had the same problem after I had my daughter and she was an only child. For one it is no ones business. But at the time I too felt I could only take care of one child. Both mentally and finacially. So when people would inquire I would politely say to them I loved being preganant ...having children in nice, I choose to responsible and have what I can handle. And at this time it is one. When I decide to have another you'll be the first to know.
Needless to say they smiled and that was the end of it. ( years later I did choose to have another child, which I could handle both mentally and financially. I know that theres a nig gap in age, but I do feel by doing this I was able to gove them both the love and attention they needed without having to choose between who I would care for first. Neither of my children went to daycare, for I believe as parents we are responsible for all their care, I did work fulltime after the 2nd one and part time after the 1st one, but the father was the one reponsible for them when I was not there and he had his chance to bond with them as well. And financially it wasn't an issue about the cost of daycare. I just am an untrusting person when it comes to my children and firmly beleived they would receive the best from us.

Hi. I relate with you. I'm 35 with my first child. Your email hit home to me. I'm a perfectionist and an overachiever. My daughter just turned one. I'm finishing up a master degree in reading in May and want to have another child but I'm a little scared as well. My daughter has changed my life completely. I had thought that I wouldn't experience anxiety about going back to work but I feel guilty and miss my daughter every day. I'm actually reexamining my life and looking at other options so I can spend more time with her. I work full-time as a teacher and make good money. My first year being a mom was hard. I had a little post-partum depression and felt guilty about having that. My heart was with my daughter rather than working and it depressed me to go to work. I even disliked my husband for a couple of months. I want a second child but I'm just confused about how I could spend more time with her. Everyone states that if there is a will there is a way and if you want something bad enough then to go for it. I do believe that children are a blessing and you can never afford everything for them. I'm sure that i will have a second child but I'm trying to figure out how I can spend more time with her without feeling so guilty for working. My best advice for you is to take some time to think and explore your options. Get out a notebook and write down in order what is important to you. I will be an even older mom the second time. I'm thinking of having the second at 39 or 40! I think I want to have my second when I put my daughter in preeschool and then when she heads off to school she can go with me. My mother keeps my daughter at my house three days a week M-W and that really eases my mind. She helps around the house and it is great. I pay her as well it is so worth it. I love it now. I take my daughter to my mother-in-laws two days of the week Thursday-Friday. It might ease your mind by having a close friend/housekeeper at your home and helping around the house. Just another option to consider if you still want to work. I also get asked all the time about having kids--guess because my biological clock is ticking. I'm so glad that I waited later to have children because I have alot of choices available for our daughter. My husbands family is very traditional and some think that I was to old to have children. I'm glad that I waited and that I'm wiser. You can email me if you want to talk. If you don't want more children don't feel guilty about not wanting more. Do what your heart tells you and take quiet time to think to follow your heart.

Hi J.! First, congratulations on succeeding in the hardest and most demanding job ever...being a mom!! I, too, agree with attachment parenting and my first concern is to not fail my children. What I have learned is that each child is different regardless of a particular parenting style. My middle daughter, age 7, has always loved the socialization of daycare (which I started her in pt at 20 months) but my son, now 3, has always been a hip-hugger. I just recently returned to work, brokenhearted over it, and I have seen him grow so much in the past few weeks. I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe instead of listening to your head try to listen to your heart. It is usually the way to go! One of the biggest lessons I have learned from being a mom is that kids always put a kink in the best laid plans. If I'm on time in the morning someone spills something or the puppy has an accident or there is no gas in the truck. I have truly learned to relax a bit over the things I have no control over. I laughed when you wrote "just wing it" because my husband's cousin is exactly like that and I use to hate it. But I now see the positive of going with the flow. You sound like a very attentive mom and I am sure if you truly WANT another child you will be just fine. Just remember that at some point in their lives children learn to make their own decisions/mistakes (I also have a 17 yr old D) and you will ask yourself "where did I go wrong"?. Good luck and, seriously, do try to relax. One more thing (sorry!), you are NOT your mother and sometimes it is important to acknowledge the reasons we are the parents we are. I only say this because it took me years to do so. Again, good luck!

Hi J.,

It is okay to want to stop at one. People may use that topic just to start a conversation. It is okay to tell them your point of view but what is their's?

There is a support group for mom's. May be that would help you cope with these questions:

SAHM.meetup.com/

The Norfolk Attachment Parenting Group is under that topic. Hope this will help. Good luck. D.

J.,
I, also, am an older mom and have one child. I have no intention of having another, but for a different reason - I just don't want more children! But I get the same comments, mostly from people with 3, 4, 5 kids. "you gotta have a sibling!", ect. There are many reasons not to have more than one child - beyond being a perfectionist, including financial, physical, and emotional. It is your business whether or not you want to have another baby. If you have friends that "pressure" you to have more, offer them the non-paying job of watching them in your nurturing home, so you can work! One last bit of advice - don't put so much pressure on yourself to raise your child "perfectly". No one is perfect. You will drive yourself crazy trying to be the perfect parent, and be disappointed if your child doesn't "turn out" the way you had expected.

Hi J... You are not alone.. but unfortunately-- at some point you will have to understand that there is no perfect way to raise a child or do hardly anything else. Your baby is not going to always behave perfectly-- My advice to anyone feeling pressure to have another baby is Do you want another? if you truly do.. then good. If you don't, for any reason-- don't.. I had my second baby because a very respected friend of mine said, "when are you gonna give him a little brother or sister to play with?" I said, we're waiting to pay some bills down.. and she said, "you'll always have bills".. which was true-- and so.. I stupidly "wanted another baby".. but the time was not right... Now I have four and also have post traumatic stress disorder from the YEARS of having three babies to take care of all alone because my husband worked so much. So, forgive the language, but screw whoever thinks you should have another. Are they going to help you take care of it? It is a decision between you and your husband. I would say..wait a while.. wait until your baby doesn't need your attention so much.. and then if you want one.. have one. Kids need a lot.. and the ones, in my opinion, who get the most quality time with their folks, end up being the well rounded kids who are little blessings. I mean, they are all-- but I'm talking about a good, well rounded, positive attitude kid.. Hope I answered your question.. I think I got off subject a little but... don't we all?? good luck to you and Romeo!! :) L.

I am an only child and was terrified to have another because of similar issues. It is true that I cannot meet the needs of both as I could do had I stopped with one. But, as someone told me one time, and I have never forgotten it:

That piece of the pie that you can no longer fulfill for the first child is fulfilled in a different way by the second child.

That changed my whole perspective. And it is indeed true.

Sounds like you want to have another baby but you are torn in that you won't be able to stay at home and meet their needs! I wouldn't think that is being a perfectionist...seems natural and logical to want to be the primary caretaker of your own children. Even if you didn't have to work I am pretty sure you'd still have the fear of failure. I know I do, and I have the blessing of being a SAHM. I think it's all up to whether or not your desire to grow your family is stronger than you being able to be at home full time...you can make it work, there are many out there that do and you can learn from them! There is so much joy from children and your heart has plenty of room!
God bless you in your decisions and try not to be too obsessed about your fears.

You already have a million responses, but I just had to write you. I've read many of the responses and am so surprised that a lot of them talk about the benefits of having more than one child and that "giving your child a sibling(s)" is better for them in this way or that. I'm starting to understand the pressure you're feeling from people!
While I agree with much of what they say I want to tell you that it is not the only way. I am an only child, and, gasp, I do not believe the world revolves around me! I turned out okay, and your son will, too, if he is an only child. My husband is 1 of 4 and for all the years that I have known him he has held a certain sadness about not having a lot of friends or as deep of relationships with friends as I have. I remind him that his family are his friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the grass is always greener and there are pros and cons to everything. I have beautiful friendships in my life and "soul" sisters, if not by blood. And I am a believer that you can only maintain so many succesfull relationships before you start to stretch yourself too thin and the relationships suffer. The fact that I am an only child/small family has helped to make it possible for me to easily forge and maintian healthy, loving relationships w/ everyone in my husband's family b/c I'm not being pulled in a billion directions. Maybe your son is destined to find a partner with a HUGE family! I have had times in my life where I was sad to not have siblings but honestly and truely I don't wish that I did. I am satisfied and fulfilled with the people in my life. I am well rounded, well adjusted and continue to grow. I have the capacity to love other people and empathize with other situations. None of these things require having a sibling. I just wanted to offer this point of view so that you don't add not giving your child another sibling to your Guilty List!

Also, trust your own instincts, if you are unsure about having more children, don't. If you feel the urge to, then try for another. Trust yourself and things will work out as they are meant to FOR YOU. Keep your own mental health at the forefront, and know your own max out limits. It's okay to say no, or no more. Remember that we all walk our own path, and although you are raising, caring, providing for you child, he has already started down the road of his own path, too. Think of your imperfections and mistakes as opportunities for him to learn to overcome. We all must feel some pain to be able to appreciate all that is good in life, and even though it'll break your heart to think of it and you'd probably give your life to prevent it, your son will have to face some pain and hardships, too. Even some directly from you. It'll also help to teach him that we are all imperfect, and that's okay. "It's okay to mess up" is a hard thing to learn and accept at 2 years and 42 years. Give him a head start at learning how to forgive himself by forgiving yourself for your imperfections. (They're not as big as you think, anyway.)

You're a good mom.

Best of luck,
S.

hi J.,
i've never been a perfectionist, and you may indeed just want one kid, which is fine. but if you think you might like another, don't let your perfectionism get in the way. you may find it a weirdly back-handed blessing......you can't focus with that fierce degree on two! and your son, while currently benefiting from the full force of your love and attention, might also benefit from time spent not being the focus.
if you don't really want another child, formulate a courteous but firm 'it's really none of your business' flavored answer. most folks will get it and quit probing.
khairete
S.

First of all, if you only want to have one child, then that's just fine. Being an only child has its advantages. Just because someone asks you, "So, when are you going to have another?" doesn't mean that 1) you have to have another or 2) that you owe them a detailed explanation about why you may or may not want another one. Just smile vaguely and say, "Oh, when my partner and I decide what is best for our family." End of discussion.

About fear of failure: Just having only one is no guarantee of success or failure either! You can in no way predict the future and see how your little one may turn out despite (or in spite of) all your efforts. Not that I in any way want to encourage you to have another child if you really don't want one, but sometimes the best cure for an obsessive parent is to have a second child. You are forced to let go of all those silly notions of being the perfect mother. A relaxed mommy is a better mommy. And really, you need to tamp down your ego - you aren't a perfect mother now. No one is. We all do well in some areas and not in others. Such is human nature. Rigidity, obsessiveness, and blind adherence to parenting skills learned through books isn't exactly the recipe for being the perfect mother anyhow. On top of that, being an obsessive parent will drive your kid crazy eventually.

I can't figure out if your problem is an enormous ego or low self-esteem. Either way, take comfort in the fact that about a bazillion women before you have had more than one child and managed to turn out very fine human beings. Again, I don't recommend having a second if you really don't think you'd enjoy it, but having a sibling also has huge advantages for the existing kid. Just a tip -- it isn't always a good thing for a child to be doted on, given undivided attention, or obsessed over. Learning to share (attention, toys, chores, etc.) is a good thing.

Every mommy with only one child has thoughts along the lines of, "How on earth will I manage a second one when the first one takes up all my time?" But it really isn't that hard and will be enriching to everyone involved. If you want a second one, you will find your way.

My father was an only child of an adoring mother. He came away from the experience swearing he would never do that to a child. I am one of 3 kids. He wanted us to have siblings to love and play with. As for the fear of failure. None of us will be perfect parents. None of us are perfect. If you would like another child and the only thing holding you back is fear of failure. I would say have another child. They are a blessing. More mess and chaos in your life is the fastest way to overcome perfectionism and learn to relax. I have 6 kids. I can't meet their every want but I do meet their needs. I love each one limitlessly and they know it. By having even one sibling children are forced to recognize that the world does not revolve around them. They have to share, take turns, think of others, and serve others. All good life skills. I believe an only child can be a happy well adjusted child, but there are clear benefits to having siblings.

Don't take this the wrong way but take a minute and read your own post, it will hopefully make you laugh at yourself. Most of us have a fear of failure especially when it comes to our children, but ask yourself "Is my son happy? Is he healthy? Have I done my best for him as a mother?" If your answer is yes, then the answer to what type of mother you will be to the next child, should you choose to have one, will be obvious.

One of the most wonderful gifts you can give your child is a sibling, at least that has been my personal experience. My parents told me that they had decided they were only going to have one. I was an only child for 7 and a half years, then my brother came along. Despite the age difference, he is one of my best friends. Perhaps if you wait another year or so, you may mellow out and feel differently. The fact that you are so concerned about your choice seems to indicate that you are a great mother and I sure that that would not change if you had another child.

Hi J.-I have 3 of my own 3,6,9 and I can tell you they are the joy of my life-Believe me it is chaos at times-most of the time but it allows you to let your guard down,especially if its something you really want. Its amazing how much a mom can handle. We are trully amazing when it comes to our children and any mom would surely agree! Otherwise if your happy with one little angel-tell everyone to stop asking-your done!But believe me there is so much love in your heart when it comes to your kids some days one gets it all and the next its the other-its all about balance and you dont find that-they do-they adjust to any situation-day care or not--Good luck....

its your own feelings i have 6 children ages 11,9,7,6,4,1 and they are my world. i wouldnt change it for anything. i definently believe if you wait until you can completely afford children you will never have any or in your case more. i also agree with you that daycare is outrageously expensive. i used to always worry alot about failing but i have come to realize that they dont come with a handbook so you have to do what you think is the best and love your children to the fullest. i hope with all of our advice here it helps you make your decision. good luck if you ever need to talk you canemail me ____@____.com.

I can completely relate to what you are talking about. My second child came along before we were planning on having a second so I felt unprepared for two. I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was going to do it and obsessing over every aspect - is the house clean, am I spending enough time with each child, how do I care for two, are they getting enough nutrition.....and on and on. I also wanted to stay home with my kids but we could not afford for me to do so. I was lucky to have grandmothers to care for both of my children so they did not have to go into a daycare center young. We chose to put them in daycare part time when they were two because we wanted them in that structured environment and around other children.

Now that my children are older and in school, I have come to realize that a lot of what I worried about doesn't matter. I have relaxed about all things. I take each crisis one at a time and while I have my moments of obsession, the reality is that as long as you love your kids and they know it, things will work out. You have the experience and you know what to do.

If you peel away all of your fears and look deep into yourself, you already know if you are ready for another child. And, it doesn't matter if your kids are 4 years or 14 years apart, you will love them and care for them all the same. Forget what other people think, if you want a second child and you want to be able to stay home with that child, then start planning and start saving. Then research ways you may be able to stay at home and earn money at home.

Hi J.,

I am a SAHM of 3. 2 daughters - 1, almost 4y, & 1, 7 1/2 mos, and 1 son - almost 3y. I am also expecting #4, due at the end of August. Personally for me, I love having children and spending time with them. Yes, I do feel that failure is a possibility, but I also feel like as long as I do my best, and follow the rules of my belief (Christianity), my children will grow up to be the best that they can be. Most of the people that I know either have no children, or do not want more than 1. So, I understand where you are coming from. I think that you should follow your heart. If you do not want another child, do not force yourself into it. I do think that it would be better for your son to have at least 1 sibling, but if you are afraid of having another, do not. However, I do believe that God will give people children at His will, so if you do get pregnant, don't fret. Just know that you will make it through as long as you try. I hope that this helps. Just don't do something because of pressure, if you feel in your heart that it isn't something that you should do. Good luck & God Bless!

J. N.

I don't know whether you should have more children, but I do know that if you have more children, you will change. Every child changes us somewhat. I'll bet you're a good mom since you're a believer in attachment parenting and you're trying so to do a good job at meeting your son's needs. One of the things you can do to meet his needs, is to commit yourself to working on letting go of the fear and obsessiveness and perfectionism. Mothering several children can help with that. It may be that you would be better meeting your son's needs by having another child and letting go of mothering the first one "perfectly". I hear your heart already pulling you in that direction.

That needing to work part is hard. I know because I wrestle with it to. Part of the answer is in recognizing that we need less and trying to work at our nonparenting jobs less. Live simply. Live well. Best wishes.

J.,

Like you, I am also an older Mom (40) with a 3 year old and I'm not interested in having another child. Invariably people ask when I am going to have another, and when I say that I'm not, people have gone so far as to tell me I should. I've responded with everything from "I'm too old - I'd be too tired" to "This one is just perfect, I don't feel the need for another". Bottom line is, I don't think I would have the energy, or the time, to parent another child the way I enjoy parenting my son. I do what is probably a modified form of attachment parenting, so I can't fathom being able to do that with two children unless they were a quite number of years apart. But, having a first child at my age really doesn't allow me to do that. Bottom line is, I'm very happy with one child and I think that it is the best decision for my family.

I sometimes find it annoying when people ask about a second, especially when someone feels it is their business to tell me I'm making a wrong decision. I just try to not let it bother me. Probably not advice that really helps you, but at least you know there is someone else in your shoes.

C.