June 27, 2007,
D.G. asks from Stockton, CA on June 24, 2007
Paternity Test, What Happens Next?
When my hubby and i were dating we broke up temp,(week & a half), Oct06 we got a letter in the mail that merced county c/s/s was wanting money from him cause some girl is claiming he is the father of her girl.I asked him why we got this letter.He said that the day i left he had a 3some with his ex g/f & her best friend. he says that he was drunk and swares that he used a condom, (he believe 100% the kid is NOT his)& to start paying c/s, we had a dna test done june 18th. C/S said that results take 6weeks which is rediculous to take that long,i want to know what happens next if the test is pos? this girl is not sure who the father is as she is also having 3 other men tested. I am SCARED as hell this kid is his, the timing is right cause she got preg around the time i left him(july 04).If the test is pos how long does it take to see a judge for child custody? I am prying this kid isn't his. I am sooo scared. Also if the kid is his, how am i suppose to treat her as she is not my child? Will my hubby treat our girls differently? He believes this kid is 100% NOT HIS!! What can i do to ease my mind for now?
So What Happened?™
the test came back today and was positive, crap i am a stepmom!!!
C.D. answers from Sacramento on June 25, 2007
WOHA!!! Desirae, ok I can see your scared but you need to get a grip on this, first of all lets go this one item at a time...take a deeeep breath, hold, exhale.... ok, first, lets say the child is his, this would be news to him right? And if you had done something with someone else while not with your boyfriend this would not be something you would have to share with the boyfriend if you chose not to do so right? YES RIGHT!!
So, for this much hubby is of the hook for a moment! You can/should stay married and raise the children you have together!! This is NOT the end of the world!! Now, once it is decided the child is his he can petition for joined custody and he will indeed have to pay child support and depending on what is determined by welfare a paper can be filed due to the fact he was not notified of paternity untill the date he FIRST got any kind of notice. (If she told him prior to that he can be held responsible from that date.)
No he can not get full custody just because she dosent work or is on welfare it does not work that way.
Ok second, he can not give up all rights financially unless someone was waiting to adopt the child, but he can choose to be involved with the child as in visitations or parenting issues(personally I think if it is his he should be very involved it only hurts the little one if he is not) You need to go way beyong your 25 years to get a better handle on this. Yes it will be something to over come but marrage is life-long and 15 years is whats left of this baby's childhood!
I realize this is easier said than done but lets be resonable, things happen in life and there is not always someone that needs to hurt back or be sued due to our discomfort, your hubby made a poor choice there is a price to pay but guess what? This is what happens, you can not and should not, be looking for someone to punish, not the system, not the mother of this child (bless her heart she has made some very bad choices and she is paying some high prices for her actions)
and no, not even the system, they must hold people responsible in order to help with the children who need it weather its due to the parents being lazy or just having a hard time, again, not the point. Step back and think of this, it happend, its the past, its going to be messy to handle, but in the long run, it will be done and whats left is a person (the child) who knows her father and had love in her life from him and a step mom and some siblings or an adult who feels anger and hurt inside and inturn, possibly, makes these same bad chioces because she never got the chance to have that same love...thats you and your husbands choice right now should the test be positive for him being the DAD!
Ok now chew that for a few minutes I need coffee........................................................................................................................Ok whew!! Im back, now lets go to the other side ok, open your heart and your mind for this, again, take a deep breath and relax!! Now you go get the paternity test and it is NOT his child you simply cry a few small tears and have a moment of silence for that little one because she is a stistic among the little children we have destroyed with our wicked ways as humans!! You can not be self-centerd over this because this is not some disruption in your life!!! Get beyond yourself! jump the fence, this is a complete hole for some little girl who did not make the poor choices that are now affecting her for the rest of her life (*the time you and your husband have together when you do the right thing)RIGHT? Right!
Now lastly, the lets sue em all.....girl, please, this stress is a direct result of your EX-BOYFRIEND's (not your husband they are 2 people in this light) bad choice! He should have some stress over it and you should step back just a tad and allow him this stress, its HIS! Think of this messed up girl or woman who is in such a sad state that she has no idea who she parented a child with!!!! WHY oh WHY would you be in a place to think you should sue her because her huge problem and pain (trust me she has issues that hurt!) touched your life through your spouce??? Be the bigger person dont cause her more hurt and judgment leave that to God!
You get to go on with your life and be happy with a husband, a father for your babies, a stronger relationship with your husband if you allow it, and an awsome oppertunity to build closeness (by supporting him,) with your husband! It takes a much stronger woman to say hey, baby, you f*&%& up! But I love you and we have a life ahead and some babies to raise lets get to it and put this behind us....than it does to say lets divorce, hurt our little girls, tear a family apart and SUE everyone involved!!! Just so we can then try to pick up a zillion pieces of lives and make some kind of normal picture!
Listen my friend, please take some time alone and talk to yourself about this you must make chioces that end or minimize the hurt and pain for everyone. Your heart and intuition will give you the answers you need ( and if you belive in GOD, invite him into this meeting you hold with yourself)
I realize this is right now your whole life in a nut shell but you must jump outta the nut shell and look at this from the top of the tree all of the future is still ahead again its one nut not the whole tree and all of its fruit but you sure can make it everything for a very very long time if you so choose to do so....be SMART and COMPASIONATE when YOU make your desicions here as they will not only affect you, but your family, husband, children, another mother, and your well-being. You wil need to stop and re-group though as I see your hurt and your desire to MAKE SOMEONE PAY its not the answer force yourself to be quiet, supportive, and loving to all and YOUR stress and fear will dissapear and peace will replace it totally. I PROMISE YOU THIS!
GOD BLESS YOU MY FRIEND!
please let me know the out come if you like and I will do my best to walk with you a little at a time untill you are OK!
____@____.com just drop me an email and I will do anything I can to help you in this very difficult time. YOU HAVE A FRIEND!!!!
4 moms found this helpful
D.Y. answers from San Francisco on June 25, 2007
If you feel strongly about him paying child support. Just do what my daughter's dead beat father does. Yes we have a court order for HIM to pay ME to SUPPORT our daughter. So he works good paying jobs but he get's paid under the table. So the state of california knows he does this (I told them) but won't do anything about it. He skips court days. Yes there are warrants out for him and he also has a suspended lisence. But none of that stops him. He continues to work under the table and we never see a dime. My now 16 year old daughter can care less for him and she barely even has a relationship with him.
So don't worry so much, there are ways to get out of having a relationship with this womans child (if he is the father) and out of paying child support.
(This is sarcasm...)
1 mom found this helpful
S.B. answers from Chico on June 25, 2007
I understand your mad but aren't you mad at the wrong person? Why would you sue her, she is just trying to find out who her childs father is? You would do the same thing in her place. If your husband is not the father then it will go away, but if he is father then he should take responsibility, that child did not ask to be born.Think about the child not how the child was concieved.
1 mom found this helpful
S.M. answers from Salinas on June 24, 2007
You won't be able to sue the child support office. The mother named him as a possible father and they have to establish support on the father due to the fact that she and/or the child is on welfare. The money paid out in aid needs to be recouped and that's the job of the child support office. Your husband is more than likely not the only one having his information checked if the mother also named 3 other men. Your husband will end up filing his answer, making sure he requests genetic testing. Once it's determined that he is the father or not will establish the next step. If he isn't the father, you won't have to worry about anything. If he is, then what the child support office will do is establish an order for support and health insurance. If the mother is only on medi-cal, she will get the money garnished from his wages and he will need to provide health insurance for the child. If she is on cash aid she won't be able to get the child support. She can only have one or the other. Not both. Please bear in mind that I am not an attorney, only a child support assistant that works here in california. If you have any concerns it's always best to consult with an attorney or check with your local courts. they should have a family law facilitator that can answer questions and provide help with completing forms or guiding you towards legal assistance that is cost effective. if you have any other questions you can always send a personal message and I'll try to give you the best answer i can give you. Good luck to you and your family.
1 mom found this helpful
T.K. answers from Chico on June 24, 2007
Honestly, he wasn't going behind your back if the two of you were on a break. If his actions got him into a child situation with another girl, then he should get his paternity test and go from there. If he's not the daddy, then don't worry about it...if he is, then he should take responsibility for his child.
I know it might hurt to be reminded that the two of you had a rough spot and he went elsewhere for support/entertainment, but if he married you, then his attentions are obviously to you. I wouldn't stress over the situation unless you feel that he is continuing to seek the attention of other women. Trust is important, but does he need to divuldge all information and every moment he was with another woman while not dating you? Personally, I'd rather that be kept to oneself as it usually causes feelings of insecurtiy. Nothing as unattractive as insecurity and jealousy. If you trust your husband, all the emotional stuff will work itself out.
I'm sure he's stressed over it as it was something that he wasn't expecting. Being supportive is part of being a significant other in good times and bad. Your finances will be affected only if he is the father.
Since you are pregnant, try not to worry about something that could very possibly be nothing. Life happens to the best of us, it's how you handle what comes at you that brings you happiness or hurt.
1 mom found this helpful
K.M. answers from San Diego on June 26, 2007
If the child is his, could you honestly love a man who knowingly terminated any relationship with a child he brought into this world? Is this something he wants to do, or you want him to do? Look at your own children and imagine if he did it to them. Don't you think he'll wonder how she's doing whether he tells you or not? (What about your daughters when they get older? "Family Secrets" never stay buried.)
Whether you like it or not, this is a living, breathing, flesh and blood person.
The thing here is you left him. Did either of you know it would only be for such a short time? Or was it "quits" when it happened? If it was quits, then you are foolish to leave him over something he did then. Yes, the consequences are far-reaching, but perhaps this is a lesson for everyone in being mindful of their actions.
He may very well not be the father. As for suing everyone, get over it. If she's on welfare chances are she has very little if anything. BTW-when you first apply for welfare as a single mother, they ask for the father to help take the burden off the tax payers. She may not have been on welfare all this time.
Hug your babies and be glad they have two loving parents.
When you manage to pull yourself together emotionally, perhaps you could spare a prayer for this little girl who may not be so lucky.
1 mom found this helpful
C.F. answers from Sacramento on June 25, 2007
Ok, I'll tell you to start with, I am raising my husband's child from a previous relationship. One that was conceived while my husband, at the time BF, and I were apart, we were apart for more like 6 months though.
If the child is his, he can try for custody. However, unless there is major proof that she is not capable of taking care of the child, and no this does not mean financially, it means emotionally or drug like, she will not have her custody rights taken away. You likely cannot do anything to get her off of welfare, the best thing to do is try for 50/50 custody, or more in his favor if she and they are willing. Remember this isn't just about her, it's about a little girl. If he does get part custody, do not hold it against him for wanting to know his daughter and do not hold it against the girl because she is only a kid, nothing was her fault.
As for suing the state or her, you would likely not get a lawyer to take that case. As well, it would cost you alot to pay a lawyer to sue. In addition it would likely take years and put you and your family through more stress and difficulty than its worth especially because the state is only do their job trying to locate the proper father. Otherwise they would be able to just say you are the father and you are going to pay child support. They have to investigate it. As well, it is probably less in gas and time to get the DNA test done by them than it is to get one done your self. It cost my hubby and me $400 for the paternity test we did. Plus we are having to pay a filing fee for a custody case and who knows what more after that. You're getting off cheaper than it could be.
As for your marriage, you were broken up briefly but still broken up. You have 2 children by him. He screwed up. You have a right to be upset, and angry with him, BUT do you love him? Is he a good father? If you answered yes to those two questions than you want to remember that through all of this. It may be better to work through all this, Marriage counseling is a good idea. It is normal for people to do stupid things when they are upset. You don't have to forgive him right away, and he will have to work to earn back your trust. However, it is important to try to work on it and work through it and if you both work on it and it isn't working then you can think about divorce. First you should try. If you get marriage counseling they can help you guys work through your feelings and learn behaviors to help you gain trust in eachother and to find the love you have for eachother.
I wish you luck.
S.T. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a lawyer and at least with respect to your questions regarding lawsuit -- no you probably would not have a viable claim re your distress since he did sleep with her and it is possible he is the father. You also, for the same reasons, would not likely have a claim against the state. Best to take this one step at a time. If he is the father, he will have to pay child support of some kind, unless he is awarded 100% custody. Are you prepared to raise this child? Gaiing cusotdy would be very costly and difficult unless the mother is somehow unfit (drugg addict, abusive, etc.)
J.S. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
When someone goes after someone for child support. Once they have requested a dna test then everything stops untill the results come back. They say the results take 4 to 6 weeks. Then come in 4 weeks and it is best that u call in 4 weeks. I know this because I went after my baby dad for chld support when she was 3 months old and he asked for a dna test and yea he was the father. My daughter is now 9 months old and her father still hasn't paid any child support even through there is a court order. It takes child support a while to be able to garnish a guys wages. So I am still waiting.
If the results come back he is not the father then nothing more is done and if he is the father then he will receive a letter for child support saying that and how much he is required to pay..he will have 30 days to respone to that. But since she is on welfare I believe that he can bargain with them if the amount is to high because the child support money will go to them. That girl will only receive the first 50.00 of it. Since I am not on welfare my babys dad is going to have to pay me 800.00 a month. It's a process and things like this take time. I am sorry to her that you have to go through this.. I hope that everything works out.
K.S. answers from Las Vegas on June 25, 2007
You need to calm down. Let him take the test and if the child is his you can go from there. IF the child is his he will have to pay child support end of story. It isn't only the mom's fault, you husband engaged in risky sexual activity with more than one person at a time. You should also have yoruself tested for STD's and have a serious conversation with your husband. I'm sure it wasn't his only indescretion.
If the child is his and a support order is in place he will have to pay child suppot. No you can't make the mom get a job. It is none of your business and you need to learn to step out of it. As far as him giving up his rights...what kind of man would do that and what kind of woman are you to expect him to do so. Giving up his rights doesn't give up his responsibilities. Unless there is another man that wants to adopt the child he will still have to pay support. He will still be responsible for the back support up to his point.
If you are in NV try to get the support order filed here. The support is lower here than in CA. If he doesn't pay, expect to lose everything that you have. You will need to get an attorney because the courts are so overwhelmed that they don't care about the man at all. Hire an attorney to try and ahve it lowered due to the fact that he has other children he is responsible for and if he is to get any visitation he will need an attorney. Visitation time will also reduce the monthly support amount.
The best thing he could do is ask the court for some visitation and build a relationship with this child. It is not a piece of property. You love your kids, but your child is no more important in this world than his other child is. If you dont' want to be a step-mom then you need to seek a divorce. The child is here and instead of placing blame on the mom take a good look at your husband. you seem more upset at her for having multiple partners than your husband when you were only split up for a week.
B.M. answers from San Diego on June 25, 2007
This is a really hard situation that you are in. I really feel for you. It must have been really hard on you to find this out while you were pregnant, but I don't think you can sue because of it. It is your husbands responsibility and it affects you but they won't see it that way. The woman who is saying that this child is his has to do what she has to do to to support her child. Even though this woman seems irresponsible, she is doing the right thing keeping the baby and trying to take some sort of responsibility, and your husband should to if it is his child. Suing is just going to cause more stress and it won't solve anything. All of this will still have happened, and money won't make it better. You should sit down and talk to your husband about how much this hurts you and just try to keep communication open. And remember even if it is his child and he says he used protection, condoms are only 97% effective. So he could be telling the truth. I hope everything works out for you.
D.L. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
I would contact a family lawyer in your area. Most good attorneys will provide a free consultation to hear your story and give you some advice. They would charge you if they need to file papers or fill our forms, basically any "work" for you. If you need a referral, let me know and I will ask my husband (also an attorney, but not family law).
B.A. answers from San Francisco on June 27, 2007
So maybe I am just tired and can't read well, but I didn't read anything about you wanting to sue her or him give up his rights? To me it sounded more like you wanted to know about getting full custody of the girl so there wouldn't be any child support and so on? Im going on that concept, so if I am wrong just stop reading from here. Here is where I would start. 1- they can collect back child support, but from what I read this is the first time you and your hubby are just hearing of this child. So make sure that you keep a log of dates and I woudl write out as many details as your hubby and you can. (he can't be 100% sure its not his because he had sex with her, there is a possibility, plus he was drunk and he didn't remember it, but he remembers using a condom... there could be a lot more going on there.. but I am assuming the deed is in the past, thats not what the deal is now). Anyways...
2- Trying to get full custody will be hard if mom isn't doing anything wrong. There is a law that an adult over 18 can only be on welfare for 60 months. So she can't collect welfare for herself anymore, she can only get it for her kids. So her time was probably up and she wants to try and get more money. Does she have a name on teh birth certificate? Usually when you apply for welfare you have to name a fatehr or not. If you do name one they it either has to be on the birth certificate or have a paturnity test done by the state. So since they sent you the letter wanting it, I would assume that she put his name on the BC?
I would check into that.
So... if she is providing a home, and food and a safe environment it will be difficult for you to get full cutody of the girl. Do you really want that? The mom is the only parent the girl knows, you wouldn't want to rip her away, think about how you would feel if it was your daughter. As much as you hate her, do what you can to make life ans civil as possible. If your husband wants to be a father figure to her, he can request shared custody. Then you will go to court to work out a schedule. Weekends, 3 or 4 days a week, summers.. That kind of thing. Child support amounts are determined by how much time the noncustodial (you hubby) spends with the child. So if they have shared custody, then he wouldn't have to pay any child support. If you don't want to deal with her in the issue, I would just have a case opened and they can collect it and distribute it to her. Often that is easier so you don't have her calling waniting her check, ect.
As far as your hubby treating anyone different. Well things are going to be different. Be glad that its not when they kids are 14, now thats hard to explain and very difficult to play nice. You and your girls are his family. Hopefully if the child is is, there wont be any resentment towards her. This isn't her fault, and just try to bring up anything about it in front of her. How should you treat her, well just be you. Do you want to be mom to her too? If you want to be mom then act like a mom and treat her like your daughter. If you don't want to be mom, then be nice to her and treat her just as you would treat any other guest in your house her age. Its hard to say HOW to treat her, you will just have to feel things out and see how it goes. You may just be getting ahead of yourself and the test will be neg and you won't have anything to worry about. One step at a time. Though 6 weeks is a long time to wait for results. That is through a county office, I would look through the phone book and see if you can find another place that does it, call them and see how long their results take and see about going there. The county has to have county people do it for law reasons, but you could do it on the side for piece of mind. Good luck and let me know how it turns out or if you have any other questions. I work for the county and ahve some experience in this area.
A.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
It sounds like you're really upset about all this - which makes sense. However, if you love your husband, your marriage can survive this if you want it to. You both just have to do the work that it takes. Although he didn't cheat on you because you were "on a break" it may feel like he did emotionally. You have a right to those feelings and he had a right to do what he did - it sounds like he was in pain at the time over you leaving him - and I'm sure neither of you knew it would only last a week and a half. Life throws us curve balls all the time and as someone else said, it's how we handle what we're given that makes us either happy or miserable.
If you and your husband are struggling with each other over this situation, get some counseling. There are numerous low-cost options if you're concerned about finances. If you're having trouble finding something, feel free to email me and I'll see if I can give you some names of agencies in your area. You owe it to your marriage and your children to support each other through this challenging situation. Chances are, if your husband wore a condom and there are 3 other possible fathers, then the child isn't his. But if it is, then he does need to take responsibility for his actions. Blaming people isn't going to help you deal with the situation, no matter how angry you are about all of this. If you and your husband can get through this in a healthy way, it will only make your marriage stronger. Try to take some deep breaths - for your sake and the sake of your babies - let the stress go and trust that everything will eventually be okay - no matter what. It sounds simplistic, but it helps me in the rough times :) Good luck and don't be afraid to get help!
G.D. answers from Los Angeles on June 26, 2007
From what I know CS has to establish paternity before collecting CS. If the test comes back positive then CS will open a case to begin collecting CS. Once the case is opened and you receive a letter w/a case# then you can go to court and establish custody and or visitation. It's a very hard situation to deal with and both of you have to be open with eachother and discuss the situation. If your partner isn't willing to open up then it might be hard to work building up your relationship. Don't worry about something you simply can't do anything about right now ... worry about yourself and kids for now and just wait for the test to come back. Good luck. If you ever need anyone to talk to your more than welcomed to talk to me. I'm in a very particular situation myself so I know exactly how you feel. Take care & good luck.
R.S. answers from Sacramento on June 25, 2007
i am not sure if he will be able to get out of paying child support if the child is his. but, i have a friend who had a little girl... long story short. she sent the guy who was the girls father a letter asking him if he wanted to be involved with her daughter, if he did he was required to pay child support. if he didn't he could waive all rights to her by signing some paperwork and that was that. he chose the later.
C.A. answers from San Francisco on June 25, 2007
I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope things work out and that the child isn't his. But if so, it's possible to get full custody. More than likely he can get partial custody, and then the child support is reduced accordingly. I know you're angry and scared, but unfortunately I don't think anyone's going to reimburse you if the test results are wrong. I know it's an injustice. I felt the same way when I was accused of littering and had to take time off work, pay for parking and transportation to fight it. I won, but it still cost me just because some highway patrol was playing dirty. If you have joint accounts, see if you can remove him now. They'll take everything. My husband has been screwed over so many times by clerical errors from the child support agency. He lost his license even though he was paying, he lost his savings and checking account and checks were bounced because they took everything without warning. It'll cost us over $1000 to hire a lawyer to get his license back. It's against the law for him to be fired because of wage garnishment, but it still happened. I'm praying for you, that your commitment to each other is strengthened with any result.
C.N. answers from San Luis Obispo on June 26, 2007
You are not going to be happy with me when you read my 'advice'. No, no , do not sue anyone about anything. You talk about stress ? When you go to court and sue someone, now THAT is stressful, and it very rarely is successful.
Secondly, he did not go behind your back, you were on the outs at that time. Forget about it. Get on with your life and love your husband. If you talk about the marriage not continuing, then you are starting a fire that will be hard to put out. So stop thinking that way. It will be able to continue and be happy and you can handle all of this like a woman needs to.
Don't be talking about this to a lot of people. Chose one person that you trust and know that she will not be passing around the information about you and your family problems. Listen to her and then think about what I have said and what she has said and use the brain that God has given you. You need to listen and think and you will be able to come to a loving decision. Go to church, pray, all of these things will lead you to a life that you will love.
Just let the tests be taken, if he is the father, then just do what you have to do. Live your life, and be grateful that you have a loving husband. In order to live your life raising the children without him will be hellish and for sure extremely stressful.
Forgiveness and getting on with your life is the only way that you can find peace and do the job that you were put on this earth to do, which is to live a good and purposeful life and to raise your children the best that you and your husband - together - can do.
Forget about the other lady - she is obviously having a very hard life through her own choices. Give her space and don't give her more problems.
That is the way that I see it.
Sincerely, C. N.
C.S. answers from Las Vegas on June 24, 2007
If you find that he is the father, he can give up all rights (atleast here), but that is something he will decide on and live with. Is this what he wants to do, or something that will bring you comfort? Taking the baby (child custody) just because she is on welfare is not something you can normally do, unless you can prove she is unfit...really unfit. However, he will have the right to joint custody of the child. It all takes a very long time here in Vegas, I am sure it takes long there too. I don't think you will have the right to request she go to work, I am sure the department of welfare would love to tell them that, however don't.
I am sure it is all stressful and hurts a great deal, however would your really want to know everything he did while you were apart? Did he promise you he would remain faithful to you while you had the break? Have you told him of your past romances? I don't mean to badger you but, I am sure you are just hurt and emotions are running a little high. It will take a while, but be strong and you can get through it. He is with you now, that should mean the world to you despite this mishap. Try to help him through this, he is your husband and the father of your girls.
Best of luck to you!
A.K. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
Desirae, i feel for you, but it didnt make that much sense to me, im not quite sure about the dates, you said last October, when. Do the math, count the weeks, do you remembet the dates and how old is this baby, it must be a new born, if im not mistaken. If concieved in October, babies due date should be July, right. I know your stressed and confused, but sit down in front of a calender and figure out the dates. Chances are its not his, as far as forgiving him, anything is possible, you 2 were not together when this happened, and im sure he didnt mean for it to happen, men can be dogs at times. But hes the father of your children and if hes good to you and the kids then this is forgivable, this is only in my opinion though. You have to decide whats best for you and your family and your children only you can make this decision. I bet the kid is not his, the dates dont add up, i concieved my 2 boys, in very early november maybe even end of October, and 1 was born July 24 and the other
August 1. good luck and god bless, please let me know what happens your in my prayers.