June 27, 2007,
D.G. asks from Stockton, CA on June 24, 2007
Paternity Test, What Happens Next?
When my hubby and i were dating we broke up temp,(week & a half), Oct06 we got a letter in the mail that merced county c/s/s was wanting money from him cause some girl is claiming he is the father of her girl.I asked him why we got this letter.He said that the day i left he had a 3some with his ex g/f & her best friend. he says that he was drunk and swares that he used a condom, (he believe 100% the kid is NOT his)& to start paying c/s, we had a dna test done june 18th. C/S said that results take 6weeks which is rediculous to take that long,i want to know what happens next if the test is pos? this girl is not sure who the father is as she is also having 3 other men tested. I am SCARED as hell this kid is his, the timing is right cause she got preg around the time i left him(july 04).If the test is pos how long does it take to see a judge for child custody? I am prying this kid isn't his. I am sooo scared. Also if the kid is his, how am i suppose to treat her as she is not my child? Will my hubby treat our girls differently? He believes this kid is 100% NOT HIS!! What can i do to ease my mind for now?
So What Happened?™
the test came back today and was positive, crap i am a stepmom!!!
C.D. answers from Sacramento on June 25, 2007
WOHA!!! Desirae, ok I can see your scared but you need to get a grip on this, first of all lets go this one item at a time...take a deeeep breath, hold, exhale.... ok, first, lets say the child is his, this would be news to him right? And if you had done something with someone else while not with your boyfriend this would not be something you would have to share with the boyfriend if you chose not to do so right? YES RIGHT!!
So, for this much hubby is of the hook for a moment! You can/should stay married and raise the children you have together!! This is NOT the end of the world!! Now, once it is decided the child is his he can petition for joined custody and he will indeed have to pay child support and depending on what is determined by welfare a paper can be filed due to the fact he was not notified of paternity untill the date he FIRST got any kind of notice. (If she told him prior to that he can be held responsible from that date.)
No he can not get full custody just because she dosent work or is on welfare it does not work that way.
Ok second, he can not give up all rights financially unless someone was waiting to adopt the child, but he can choose to be involved with the child as in visitations or parenting issues(personally I think if it is his he should be very involved it only hurts the little one if he is not) You need to go way beyong your 25 years to get a better handle on this. Yes it will be something to over come but marrage is life-long and 15 years is whats left of this baby's childhood!
I realize this is easier said than done but lets be resonable, things happen in life and there is not always someone that needs to hurt back or be sued due to our discomfort, your hubby made a poor choice there is a price to pay but guess what? This is what happens, you can not and should not, be looking for someone to punish, not the system, not the mother of this child (bless her heart she has made some very bad choices and she is paying some high prices for her actions)
and no, not even the system, they must hold people responsible in order to help with the children who need it weather its due to the parents being lazy or just having a hard time, again, not the point. Step back and think of this, it happend, its the past, its going to be messy to handle, but in the long run, it will be done and whats left is a person (the child) who knows her father and had love in her life from him and a step mom and some siblings or an adult who feels anger and hurt inside and inturn, possibly, makes these same bad chioces because she never got the chance to have that same love...thats you and your husbands choice right now should the test be positive for him being the DAD!
Ok now chew that for a few minutes I need coffee........................................................................................................................Ok whew!! Im back, now lets go to the other side ok, open your heart and your mind for this, again, take a deep breath and relax!! Now you go get the paternity test and it is NOT his child you simply cry a few small tears and have a moment of silence for that little one because she is a stistic among the little children we have destroyed with our wicked ways as humans!! You can not be self-centerd over this because this is not some disruption in your life!!! Get beyond yourself! jump the fence, this is a complete hole for some little girl who did not make the poor choices that are now affecting her for the rest of her life (*the time you and your husband have together when you do the right thing)RIGHT? Right!
Now lastly, the lets sue em all.....girl, please, this stress is a direct result of your EX-BOYFRIEND's (not your husband they are 2 people in this light) bad choice! He should have some stress over it and you should step back just a tad and allow him this stress, its HIS! Think of this messed up girl or woman who is in such a sad state that she has no idea who she parented a child with!!!! WHY oh WHY would you be in a place to think you should sue her because her huge problem and pain (trust me she has issues that hurt!) touched your life through your spouce??? Be the bigger person dont cause her more hurt and judgment leave that to God!
You get to go on with your life and be happy with a husband, a father for your babies, a stronger relationship with your husband if you allow it, and an awsome oppertunity to build closeness (by supporting him,) with your husband! It takes a much stronger woman to say hey, baby, you f*&%& up! But I love you and we have a life ahead and some babies to raise lets get to it and put this behind us....than it does to say lets divorce, hurt our little girls, tear a family apart and SUE everyone involved!!! Just so we can then try to pick up a zillion pieces of lives and make some kind of normal picture!
Listen my friend, please take some time alone and talk to yourself about this you must make chioces that end or minimize the hurt and pain for everyone. Your heart and intuition will give you the answers you need ( and if you belive in GOD, invite him into this meeting you hold with yourself)
I realize this is right now your whole life in a nut shell but you must jump outta the nut shell and look at this from the top of the tree all of the future is still ahead again its one nut not the whole tree and all of its fruit but you sure can make it everything for a very very long time if you so choose to do so....be SMART and COMPASIONATE when YOU make your desicions here as they will not only affect you, but your family, husband, children, another mother, and your well-being. You wil need to stop and re-group though as I see your hurt and your desire to MAKE SOMEONE PAY its not the answer force yourself to be quiet, supportive, and loving to all and YOUR stress and fear will dissapear and peace will replace it totally. I PROMISE YOU THIS!
GOD BLESS YOU MY FRIEND!
please let me know the out come if you like and I will do my best to walk with you a little at a time untill you are OK!
____@____.com just drop me an email and I will do anything I can to help you in this very difficult time. YOU HAVE A FRIEND!!!!
4 moms found this helpful
D.Y. answers from San Francisco on June 25, 2007
If you feel strongly about him paying child support. Just do what my daughter's dead beat father does. Yes we have a court order for HIM to pay ME to SUPPORT our daughter. So he works good paying jobs but he get's paid under the table. So the state of california knows he does this (I told them) but won't do anything about it. He skips court days. Yes there are warrants out for him and he also has a suspended lisence. But none of that stops him. He continues to work under the table and we never see a dime. My now 16 year old daughter can care less for him and she barely even has a relationship with him.
So don't worry so much, there are ways to get out of having a relationship with this womans child (if he is the father) and out of paying child support.
(This is sarcasm...)
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S.B. answers from Chico on June 25, 2007
I understand your mad but aren't you mad at the wrong person? Why would you sue her, she is just trying to find out who her childs father is? You would do the same thing in her place. If your husband is not the father then it will go away, but if he is father then he should take responsibility, that child did not ask to be born.Think about the child not how the child was concieved.
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S.M. answers from Salinas on June 24, 2007
You won't be able to sue the child support office. The mother named him as a possible father and they have to establish support on the father due to the fact that she and/or the child is on welfare. The money paid out in aid needs to be recouped and that's the job of the child support office. Your husband is more than likely not the only one having his information checked if the mother also named 3 other men. Your husband will end up filing his answer, making sure he requests genetic testing. Once it's determined that he is the father or not will establish the next step. If he isn't the father, you won't have to worry about anything. If he is, then what the child support office will do is establish an order for support and health insurance. If the mother is only on medi-cal, she will get the money garnished from his wages and he will need to provide health insurance for the child. If she is on cash aid she won't be able to get the child support. She can only have one or the other. Not both. Please bear in mind that I am not an attorney, only a child support assistant that works here in california. If you have any concerns it's always best to consult with an attorney or check with your local courts. they should have a family law facilitator that can answer questions and provide help with completing forms or guiding you towards legal assistance that is cost effective. if you have any other questions you can always send a personal message and I'll try to give you the best answer i can give you. Good luck to you and your family.
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T.K. answers from Chico on June 24, 2007
Honestly, he wasn't going behind your back if the two of you were on a break. If his actions got him into a child situation with another girl, then he should get his paternity test and go from there. If he's not the daddy, then don't worry about it...if he is, then he should take responsibility for his child.
I know it might hurt to be reminded that the two of you had a rough spot and he went elsewhere for support/entertainment, but if he married you, then his attentions are obviously to you. I wouldn't stress over the situation unless you feel that he is continuing to seek the attention of other women. Trust is important, but does he need to divuldge all information and every moment he was with another woman while not dating you? Personally, I'd rather that be kept to oneself as it usually causes feelings of insecurtiy. Nothing as unattractive as insecurity and jealousy. If you trust your husband, all the emotional stuff will work itself out.
I'm sure he's stressed over it as it was something that he wasn't expecting. Being supportive is part of being a significant other in good times and bad. Your finances will be affected only if he is the father.
Since you are pregnant, try not to worry about something that could very possibly be nothing. Life happens to the best of us, it's how you handle what comes at you that brings you happiness or hurt.
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K.M. answers from San Diego on June 26, 2007
If the child is his, could you honestly love a man who knowingly terminated any relationship with a child he brought into this world? Is this something he wants to do, or you want him to do? Look at your own children and imagine if he did it to them. Don't you think he'll wonder how she's doing whether he tells you or not? (What about your daughters when they get older? "Family Secrets" never stay buried.)
Whether you like it or not, this is a living, breathing, flesh and blood person.
The thing here is you left him. Did either of you know it would only be for such a short time? Or was it "quits" when it happened? If it was quits, then you are foolish to leave him over something he did then. Yes, the consequences are far-reaching, but perhaps this is a lesson for everyone in being mindful of their actions.
He may very well not be the father. As for suing everyone, get over it. If she's on welfare chances are she has very little if anything. BTW-when you first apply for welfare as a single mother, they ask for the father to help take the burden off the tax payers. She may not have been on welfare all this time.
Hug your babies and be glad they have two loving parents.
When you manage to pull yourself together emotionally, perhaps you could spare a prayer for this little girl who may not be so lucky.
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C.F. answers from Sacramento on June 25, 2007
Ok, I'll tell you to start with, I am raising my husband's child from a previous relationship. One that was conceived while my husband, at the time BF, and I were apart, we were apart for more like 6 months though.
If the child is his, he can try for custody. However, unless there is major proof that she is not capable of taking care of the child, and no this does not mean financially, it means emotionally or drug like, she will not have her custody rights taken away. You likely cannot do anything to get her off of welfare, the best thing to do is try for 50/50 custody, or more in his favor if she and they are willing. Remember this isn't just about her, it's about a little girl. If he does get part custody, do not hold it against him for wanting to know his daughter and do not hold it against the girl because she is only a kid, nothing was her fault.
As for suing the state or her, you would likely not get a lawyer to take that case. As well, it would cost you alot to pay a lawyer to sue. In addition it would likely take years and put you and your family through more stress and difficulty than its worth especially because the state is only do their job trying to locate the proper father. Otherwise they would be able to just say you are the father and you are going to pay child support. They have to investigate it. As well, it is probably less in gas and time to get the DNA test done by them than it is to get one done your self. It cost my hubby and me $400 for the paternity test we did. Plus we are having to pay a filing fee for a custody case and who knows what more after that. You're getting off cheaper than it could be.
As for your marriage, you were broken up briefly but still broken up. You have 2 children by him. He screwed up. You have a right to be upset, and angry with him, BUT do you love him? Is he a good father? If you answered yes to those two questions than you want to remember that through all of this. It may be better to work through all this, Marriage counseling is a good idea. It is normal for people to do stupid things when they are upset. You don't have to forgive him right away, and he will have to work to earn back your trust. However, it is important to try to work on it and work through it and if you both work on it and it isn't working then you can think about divorce. First you should try. If you get marriage counseling they can help you guys work through your feelings and learn behaviors to help you gain trust in eachother and to find the love you have for eachother.
I wish you luck.
S.T. answers from Los Angeles on June 25, 2007
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a lawyer and at least with respect to your questions regarding lawsuit -- no you probably would not have a viable claim re your distress since he did sleep with her and it is possible he is the father. You also, for the same reasons, would not likely have a claim against the state. Best to take this one step at a time. If he is the father, he will have to pay child support of some kind, unless he is awarded 100% custody. Are you prepared to raise this child? Gaiing cusotdy would be very costly and difficult unless the mother is somehow unfit (drugg addict, abusive, etc.)