Paternity Test

God Bless you M., I can understand your heart ache. I would not ever judge you at all. There are some things you do need to think about* as if you haven't enough to think about*
Since you and his dad love him so much and really this is about your son now, what does his dad say? Does he now want nothing to do with him or is he willing to continue to be a part of his life? Does he want your son told he isn't his father? Can you make it on your own with out support?
Can you sit down together and talk calmly about how to get passed the hurt feelings and figure out what is best for your son? At the time I am guessing or believing he didn't deny he was your son's father. He's been with him as Daddy for 6 years, so even though he isn't legally his Father/daddy he is his daddy in every other sense of the word.

I would think (if he is a good daddy figure) he would want to help more. I guess he hasn't for 4 yrs, money wise, but maybe that can change if you sit down with him and talk it through. If you both can get past the guilt You feel and the pain that goes with it.

Remember M., it's not about just you and your ex now, it's about your little guy. I know your not the first to have this happen dear-heart and I am sure you will not be the last. It is just painful to live though it.
Praying for you M., you can get through this, might not feel like it right now, just hang in there hon. And Quite taking all the blame on yourself. Mistakes happen! It gets mighty heavy carrying all of it alone.

Please keep in touch, we're all here to support and help you M..
God Give you the peace and strength you need daily.
K. Nana of 5
PS Remember God does not give us More then we can handle, Stay strong and walk with your head up.

3 moms found this helpful

You need some help, an unbiased third party like a counselor. If you're in college then there is counseling available. Please don't try to do this on your own. Also don't be so hard on yourself, this is not going to ruin your son's life or yours. You will figure this out and move forward. I'm not saying it will be that easy but you can do it.
God bless you and stop beating yourself up.

2 moms found this helpful

M....first of all, don't beat yourself up. You can't change the past, you aren't the first Mom to be in this situation and you aren't the last either!!!
That being said....I think you owe it to your little boy and to his biological father to get touch with the father and at least let him know that he has a son. I don't know what kind of man he is, I dont know if he will want to be involved in your sons life or not...but he deserves to know...and your son deserves to know who his father is.I am not saying to start telling him all about it right now, but he needs to meet this man, get to know him, the "daddy" part can come later.
Don't make a decision for your son that will affect the rest of his life by deciding to cut his Father out of his life. Maybe this man would LOVE to be a Father...it sounds like you thought a lot of him at one time. But I would be careful how you go about springing this news on him..he may be married and have other children by this time...you don't want to disrupt his entire life with this news. I agree with the first comment that you received...you need a neutral third party. If you have a church home there in Joplin, speak with your pastor, ask him to help you with this difficult task. Or if you have a professor at your college that you feel particularly close to....maybe he/she could help. Don't rush into this...especially telling your son....there is no reason for this to turn his world upside down. Let his biological father build a relationship with him slowly...so it is natural for both of them.
You also want to consider getting medical history on the biological father,so that you have that information if it is needed sometime in the future.
Another bit of advice...you didn't really ask for this..but...
I don't know your financial situation, but I would try and NOT make this about money with the biological father!!! That is a sure fire way to make sure that there is stress and strain in your relationship. It would also put a stumbling block between him and your son.
I hope you will follow up with this and let us know how it goes. I will be praying that things work out for the best for all concerned.
R. Ann

2 moms found this helpful

this is my personal opinion...but get a good counselor and they will walk you through the process of telling your son and helping him cope. i know of others with similar (letting the child know the bio dad is not around) and the counselor thing has always worked out.
don't beat yourself up either, a good father doesn't have to be the biological one.
this will work out - good luck, you are in my prayers.

1 mom found this helpful

Bless you and your son. Extend grace and ask patiently that they extend grace to you. You did your best back then and now you are moving forward with the truth... That is honorable. Deal with the facts humbly and always honestly, and you will reap what you sow. Your son is blessed to have you for his mother, as you are seeking wisdom and to do right by him. Decide to be courageous and hold your head up... it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but your Heavenly Father, and he loves you both.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, what a predicament...you have taken the first step, by admitting your mistake. Please talk to your son's dad and tell him that he has a choice to either stay in his life or phase himself out slowly for the sake of your son. Then you need to find and tell his father and apologize to him for your mistake and ask him to be in his son's life. Same thing, slowly introduce him into your son's life. You will need to sit down with your son also and explain to him that his dad is not his biological dad and explain what that means. He is six and will want to know what is going on. He deserves that. It won't be easy, but you've already figured that out. Trust me it is better he learn now, my husband was 21 and he didn't get to know his father well before he died. His dad is still his dad, but his father is who helped create him and my husband didn't get to know him that well. When you've done all that talk to his biological father about child support, you'll need to soften the blow first or he'll fight you to the end. I do hope it all works out for you. Good luck and God Bless.

Does your son NEED to know now? Seems like a lot for a young boy to understand. I know you want to be honest, but I would take my time. Secondly, it takes more than blood to make a dad. Does his "dad" still want to be his dad? I agree a heartfelt apology is in order to him. I would take my time in this really difficult situation and think it all out before jumping quickly. Its been six years, you can think this through a bit longer carefully, maybe get a counselor involved. This will be very traumatic for all of you. You need to talk to the current dad of the last six years and find out what he wants his involvement to be. Take it slow, don't try to fix it overnight.

Hi M.,just wanted to tell you to take a deep breath and go hug your son. My real father left my brother and I when I was 4 yrs old. My mom remarried and it was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. The man she married IS my dad, maybe not by blood, but by love. You and your son will get through this.

That sounds tough. Choices made when we are 17 are often difficult to deal with even if they don't result in a child, and I commend you for taking responsibility for your actions. It is really wonderful to see how much you care about your son. That's what's important!
If you tell the biological father and he doesn't really want anything to do with the child, do you really need to tell your son until he's older? Or is the assumed dad ready to walk away? It may just be "Well, there are more people to love you!"
Good luck-- we'll pray for you!

No matter what you decide about his dad who has been raising him... The biological father has a right to know. In some states, if the father finds out later (ie the child goes looking for his natural father as a n adult), and the biological father finds out that you knew the one raising him was not actually his dad (which he can now prove with the state's test), there are definitely legal implications. He has every right in Kansas/MO to sue you for that. Just something to think about... the post below had said to consider not even telling the other dad. WELL, at the end of the day... he still IS one of his dads, and has a 100% right to know. If I had a child out there that someone didnt tell me about, I would be heartbroken. I would rather come into a child's life, slowly, at the age of 6 or 7-- rather than never, or as an adult. Keep in mind that MANY kids grow up with 2 dads... my son does... and he could learn to do the same. Just my two cents! Oh... and one last thought... how might your son feel as an adult, knowing you had the chance to find/tell his "real" dad about him, and you chose not to... Might hurt your relationship with your son even more. Now is the chance to make things right!

I wanted to add that the paternity test could still be innaccurate! I just saw a show on the discovery health channel where a couple of moms had come back from tests saying their own kids weren't genetically their kids! even though they gave birth to them the genetic dna didn't match. Well come to find out, they had two sets of dna in them! And the show goes on to admit how genetic testing, which is so widely used to prove fathers or commit criminals and such, is inaccurate, because we don't know how many people out there actually have two sets of dna and could test wrong. So your kids dad could actually have two sets of dna and have tested wrong.

M., I just wanted you to know that I wasn't thinking "How could she not know who the father is?!" or "She must have slept around!".

*HUGS*

I am a little confused on who U were with during those 3 months which dad are U refering to,And u were with the biological dad when U found out right??

First, can I just say that I commend you for reaching out. Also, you seem like such a good mom, one who wants only the best for her son.

I too was a single mom, for 14 years. I got married a year ago. My son's dad has never seen him (his choice), but like you, I went through the child support process and did the paternity test. Although I had not been with anyone else and knew that he was the father, I was still scared that there would be some sort of lab mistake or something. Anyway, I can't say that I know what your feeling, except for the part of being a single mom to a boy :) My son is now 15 and you are so right about how quickly they grow.

I just want to encourage you to be honest with everyone...your son (with age-appropriate information) and his biological father. My advice is to forget about pretending that this guy is his father because I promise you that when your son is older it will just come back to haunt you. Get it all out and be done with it. Right now it's going to be extremely painful, but five years from now you'll be glad there are no secrets.