Paternity Lawyers and Fairness

No, I have no experience with this, but I just wanted to offer some sympathy. Wow, that is so horrible!

Our legal system is so messed up about these kinds of things. They just don't recognize the importance of the bonding that children do with whoever cares for them, nor the damage that it causes when those bonds are broken. I'm so sorry for all of you, especially your daughter (even though you had no biological or legal tie, she is obviously a daughter to you!) So sorry. But sadly that's all I have to say.

What a horrible story! I am so sorry this happened to both of you. I think that mother should get in some kind of trouble and you two should still get to see the little girl, if only so she isn't totally traumatized.
Best of luck to you both.

I have no experience either, but just wanted to offer my support as well. I can't imagine what you two are facing right now.

What I can say as a mother of a 5 1/2 year old is that if that child thinks he is her father, she should be allowed to continue a loving relationship with both of you. At her age, she is more attached to you guys than you are her (and obviously, you are VERY attached).

I can't imagine a woman being so selfish and heartless as this poor girl's mother. Is there anyone or any way to appeal to her heart to let them continue in some kind of relationship? It sounds like she depended on you heavily for childcare, is there any way you can still do that so you guys still get to see her?

I wish you the best of luck and send you my prayers. I can not imagine what you are feeling and going through. I pray that the mother's heart is touched to do the right thing by this precious little girl and allow her to remain close to the only person who is her father in deeds, action and love.

Bless you all.
K.

This happened to one of my daycare dads. I've also seen movies about it. You can always try and get another action going, another lawyer. But I think every state is very different and it's so COSTLY fighting this sort of thing. It's so incredibly UNFAIR!

I think by the time you could ever find any sort of legal recourse a lot of time would go by and the child would have moved on emotionally. You might be better off trying to find a way to appeal to the mom. Surely there is SOMETHING she would want to make her agree to visitation. If he really does want to be a part of the child's life and if he can afford it, he could offer enough child-support to get an agreement going.

S.

This is a truly difficult awareness to swallow and my heart goes out to all of you. But, there are usually more possibilities available to us than we first realize. I can see several angles to the situation you may not have considered.

You are right that the child is the first consideration. Being cut off from the father she has come to love is difficult. Because you no longer have the legal clout as a biological parent, you might consider the advantages of taking on a more supportive attitude toward the mother and offering to help her raise the child. Because legal action was taken, feelings are bruised and you may have to be patient and consistent with your encouragement before trust can be re-established. You might try to remind the mother that things were amicable for a time and you would like to start over. If trust is re-established, you might discuss the benefits of your husband legally adopting the child at some point and seeing if you can develop a mutually agreeable parenting plan which includes child support. Although anything is possible, it would take a lot of time and patience to even try to get this to happen. Does the mother know who she wants to raise the child if anything should happen to her? Is anyone else interested in helping save money for the child's college? Questions like these might help the mother see the advantage in allowing your husband to adopt. But, with prayer, faith, patience, and some wisdom, miracles can happen and unity can be re-established.

But, there are many things to consider, such as the fact that there may be a father out there that does not know he is a father. He might have something to say about all this as well. He certainly has a right to be consulted.

If efforts to come together are truly impossible, another idea that I'm not sure has ever been pursued is the idea of suing the mother for damages or filing criminal charges for fraud. Obviously, she knew there was at least a good chance the child had another father. Having kept this information from your husband allowed him to form a parental bond and take on the responsibilties and expenses of a father based on false information. It seems to me that the woman committed fraud, at least, which should be a felony. I am no lawyer and don't know this area well, but I would at least look into the options that might be available. Perhaps someone could file suite on behalf of the child as well. Perhaps both your husband and the biological father could join forces in a civil suite, since both have suffered damages due to this woman's dishonesty.

In my opinion, it might not be a bad idea at all to have a woman convicted of fraud for conning a man into supporting a child and developing intimate bonds as a father for her own convenience. Courts do not like to punish mothers of young children unless truly necessary. It is difficult to punish a mother without punishing her children as well. But this is a gross injustice and deserves some form of legal recourse. In my mind, I see this as the male equivolent of being raped. No one should have the legal right to treat another human being in this way without being called to account for it. And to use a child as the weapon in such a crime is hideous.

Family courts today are in serious need of reform. Those seeking justice via family court are often disappointed. This is why you may want to pursue criminal charges and/or filing civil suit for damages, if common ground cannot be found. I've never heard of such action being taken, but if it is possible, it could at least provide you with enough legal clout to pursuade the mother to accept the idea of adoption. Perhaps, just having a lawyer send her a letter suggesting that such avenues will be considered if she is unwilling to negotiate for legal adoption might evoke some willingness on her part.

Keep in mind that forcing her into accepting adoption is likely to pave the way to more disunity and many years in family court. This can be a slippery slope for everyone involved. If your goal is to reunite, it is essential to accomplish it in the healthiest way possible. So, do pray for guidance and healing before choosing a course of action.

Of course, your husband may choose to simply disassociate himself from the relationship. He is under no obligation to take any action to try to recover it. If he considers all the possibilities and chooses this course, he may want to ask the mother if she will allow the transition to happen gradually for the sake of the child. He may want to become a sort of uncle in the child's life, or a Godfather. Adjusting titles, expectations, and responsibilities does not mean one has to adjust the bond of love between these two souls. "A rose, by any other name, smells as sweet," right? It will take some amount of acceptance and forgiveness on all sides to make this work, but you may all find it was well worth it. Just because things have turned out to be contrary to your expectations does not mean it can't be even better. The revelation of the truth has been a shock, but we are promised that the truth will set us free.

Best wishes to all of you. I hope these thoughts offer you some comfort or encouragement.

All I can think of is, try to appeal to the mother on behalf of the child's feelings and her well being. Try to get the mother to see how she is hurting this poor little girl, and that she does not deserve that kind of pain. Blood does not make a Daddy, love does. The same goes for her Mommy. Love puts the child first in all decisions.

In the mean time ... get another attorney !

J....sorry your "step daughter" has had to endure all the emotional conflict being thrust upon her by her biological mother.

After reading all the responses, I have to ask, does her true biological father know he has a daughter??!! Does he not enter into the picture? It is tragic enough that this woman lied to your husband and you (not to mention her own daughter) but to not let the biological father know is also a huge lie.

In the State of Kansas, if your name is on the birth certificate when the child turns 12, you will be financially responsible for that child until the child turns 18.

I believe if your husband put himself in the shoes of the biological father, he would want to know and perhaps have his place in his daughter's life. Somthing to think about as it all comes back to the best interest of the child, not the parent.

Best of luck to you all.

If you have no legal course, maybe you get a little creative with it. Sounds like the mom does not put the child's interests first, and is a little irresponsible and self centered. So maybe you play into that. If she's a single mom, she is probably short on both time and money. So maybe you can set up an arrangement whereby if she brings her daughter to stay with you x number of days per week, you pay x amount in voluntary child support. The more days she gets to visit, the more child support you provide.

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. My heart aches for that little girl. What an innocent victim she is. My only advice is to continue to send fun little gifts and notes to her, remember her on birthdays and holidays, and make sure the bio mom knows you would like to keep a relationship going with the little one. Always be courteous and understanding when dealing with bio mom, no matter how hard it is. You can always go break old lightbulbs when you get off the phone, but BE NICE. Keep that window open with her. Over time, she may back off her position, and you may have visits again before you know it. And the time will come that this little girl won't be so little anymore, and if you've done all you can to keep the lines of communication open, you WILL hear from her on her own. Good luck to you, and keep the faith.

J., just because she bore that child does not mean that she is a parent or for that matter that your husband is not a better choice. Some people think that a woman is naturally the better parent and man if he is not with the mother should be discounted, this is a false belief and should be abandoned. Some women are not fit to be parents. She must have considered at some point that your husband was not the biological father or she would not have insisted on the parternity test.

She has established a pattern already, leaving the child with other people to raise. I would play into the fact that she will be looking for someone to take care of the child for long periods of time.

Make yourselves available and make yourselves an ongoing part of that childs life. As she grows and matures, she will turn to those who have shown love and concern on a regular basis. I know it may seem like a long time off, but she will be a preteen and a teen before you know it. If you love her, really love her, she will need you.

J., I am so sorry that you are going through this, the only thing I can think of is...is your husbands name on the childs birth certificate? I was under the impression that if a man took responsibility for a child and put his name on the certificate that he had rights regardless if he had a blood relation or not....( ??) hope this helps.
I feel for your situation...I will keep your family ( all of them!!!) in my prayers
B.

I know everyone has brought up the birth certificate thing. That would definitely rule in your favor. The other thing, is if she was receiving child support then it would be an admission on her part that she was accepting of him as the father (at least to the point she was willing to bilk him out of money). If she DID do this, I would think you have some sort of leg to stand on at least for the intent to decieve. Damned convenient of her to demand a paternity test this late in the game. Makes you wonder what she really wants to win at?

At any rate, you are definitely looking at a messy and possibly drawn out legal proceeding. You could certainly argue that he is the only father she has ever known and as such always lived up to and fulfilled his part of the responsibilities for caring for his child. This could end up to be an all or nothing case. You need to make sure you are willing to accept those odds. I would call around for an attorney specializing in custody cases and see if they would do a free initial meeting...some will, some won't but at least you wouldn't be out anything and could better gage what your probabilities would be.

How tragic! I've not been where you are or know of anyone in your situation. I just hope for the childs sake the Mother will have a change of heart and let the child have a relationship with your husband. Something like this could be so damaging for her and especially with a Mother who doesn't seem to want much time with her child as it is.

I'm sorry most for the little girl I hope something works out for her behalf.

L.

Wondering if your husband's name was ON the birth certificate? IF he IS on the birth certificate, she can actually seek child support for this child whether he is the bio father or not... in most states from what I can remember about reading/ seeing things on TV. So if he isn't bio the father, but his name IS on the birth certificate... I thought he DID have rights? Plus this can be a curse for you all too if she seeks back support for her from birth because his name is on there ... just to be hateful and spiteful... Just saw this on one of those court TV shows and this family was in ruin and he was paying a ton of support and never got to have rights with the child and then it came out he was NOT bio the father but his name was on the certificate. So because there were no laws the father and new wife took this woman to civil court and won atleast partial payment back from the civil issue for damages. Soooo I would think there would something in the laws... Find a Lawyer willing to work for you or invent a new law and statutes for this sort of thing@! Laws are ALL in how they are INTERPRETED ...remember this. Right and wrong has little to do with it unfortuneately. Stay close and nice and sweet with this woman at all costs, but firm in your direction on YOUR rights and the dear little one involved. She deserves to be WANTED and loved. Keep HUGE records on ALL details from this point forward! All attempts at connection and communication and all information dealing with HER actions regarding her reactions to your efforts. GOOD DETAILED records!
Seek more legal advice and I agree, start offering this "down and out..sounding" mother some cash to have rights to the daughter. Report her if you have to for neglect ??? Fight fire with fire ??? I wish I could say something. Bless you all. Man, I can't imagine a mother doing this to her child anyways.
I also wonder what "rights" he could appeal for in a "civil court" ????????
If there aren't any to govern this situation...depending on the effort you wish to put forth ....there are ALWAYS others out there to rally around someone's issues if you SEEK them out via, advertisements, internet, library, other lawyers, etc etc. Think John Walsh here. There wasn't anything like there is today when his son was abducted......
There are new laws being made every day. Surely, with a whole lot of effort you and your husband could if nothing else, make some waves....if you want to be up for all that drama that I'm sure you would endure.
Wow, definitely would be prayin for some serious guidance on that one.

What a sad story, especially for the little girl and your family.That someone would use a child to hurt another person... Who will the mom dump the child on now? If she shuts out your hubby? Does she know who thechilds father really is? Would your husband know?
Seems like what she is doing is illegal...toying w/the emotians of those involved because it suits her schuedule.

Sorry this is happining to you...wish I knew how to help.

I'm so sorry. I don't know any legal details for sure, but I have heard that many times women name whoever they want as the father, and even with a negative paternity test, men are unable to get out of the legal obligation. If this is true, perhaps it will work in your favor. It will probably mean expensive legal fees, though. Good luck.

I am not sure what the laws are in Missouri...but I would say your first step needs to be to contact a lawyer...he/she can tell you if you have any standing as far as the law is concerned. If your husband's name on the birth certificate?? If he was acknowledged as the father then maybe that would make a difference.
Your main focus needs to be on the welfare of the little girl. I hate to see children being torn by conflict and used as pawns to hurt the other parent. ( And it sounds to me like that is what the Mother is doing...why else would she get a paternity test at this late date???)
Any legal battle that you might decide to wage is probably going to be expensive...and complicated...so be sure you are ready to face all of that before you dive into it.
It would be best if your husband and the ex could come to some sort of amicable agreement..but somehow I dont see that happening.
Best of luck to you

I'm so sorry J., I have no advice. I cannot imagine something like this happening. It breaks my heart! How long has this been going on that she's not let you both see his (and your) daughter? I'm wondering if once the anger and "novelty" of being a B#$%#% wears off for this woman, and toddler challenges arise, if she won't come running back to you guys for help. I agree though...find out if his name is on the birth cerficate...it may give him a bit of pull.
I'd also check with a local social worker from family services to see if there's anything you can do with their help. They can usually figure out the ins and outs and loopholes in the laws as they deal with situations like this often.
I am an adoptee and have no genetic relationship with my parents and we are closer than most "natural born" families. It apalls me that the courts are so messed up that they so often favor genetics over love.
I will pray for you and your family.

My brother found out last year that his youngest is not biologically his. He was told that if he and his girlfriend seperated that he would be responsible for child support. I see this as 2 different answers to the same question. If your husband is on the birth certificate and has and wants to be involved in her life, I don't think it matters if there is a biological connection.