Parents with Step Grand Kids

I would put my foot down and tell them that they need to include the whole family or none of you. If money is the issue suggest one small family gift you could all share. Honestly, if the package comes with gifts for only you and the one daughter, I would be tempted to send it back.

that is really messed up! Like everyone is saying, set some boundaries. Let them know it's not okay at ALL with you. I had a friend growing up that said her grandmother on her dad side didn't like boys, so she would give him broken toys and they ask why did he break them. It really scared her brother for a long time. Her parents said if you can't treat all the gradkids the same then we will not be seeing you anymore and didn't for many years.
I'm really sorry for you step children but at least they have a good mommy.

I haven't read your responses yet, but my immediate thought was to tell your dad/stepmom that if they can't - or refuse to - send gifts to everyone, then not to bother sending any at all. If it's finances, then that will help them out even more. If it's just them being awful, then I wouldn't want any gifts for me or "their" grandchild with the rest of the family being left out. If no one gets gifts, then no one's feelings will be hurt. I'd simply tell your DH and kids that your dad/stepmom don't have the money for gifts this year, and leave it at that.

My husband and I have been together since my son was 3. His parents always included my son even before we were married. It is NEVER ok to distinguish between bio and step in regards to how they are treated or gift giving. It is all or nothing!

You can't tell someone who they can or can't buy for but you can at least refrain from opening in front of your stepchildren.

I would tell your step-mom that you understand things are tight right now and they don't have to buy anything. If they choose to buy something and must buy some now with the intent to buy the others later, ask them to please hold them all until they are ready to give them all. It will be a nice treat for everyone after the holidays have passed.

Wow, I just had to answer this. My mother always bought presents for ALL the children whether they were "blood" or not, or their parents were married or not. That's the kind of generosity I learned, and am grateful for it! My stepchildren felt loved and included even before I had married their dad.

After my mom passed away, I have noticed that my Dad has more of the view that "blood" matters. Because my stepchildren are now adults, it hasn't been a real issue, but it has bothered me a bit that these two young people who've been in my life since they were babies and call me "mom" aren't viewed by my father as my "real" son and daughter.

Good luck in talking with your father about this.

Lee P said exactly what I would say. The only thing I would add is that maybe you could suggest they buy you a family gift--one thing everyone could appreciate, like maybe a gift card to your favorite restaurant or to the movies or something. Maybe it won't be enough to take all five of you out but you could still put it toward an outing for five. OR just wait until after Christmas when they can send something to everyone all at the same time.

How incredibly mean-spirited of your father and step mother. Truthfully, I would tell them it's "all-or-nothing", including you and DH. If it's a budgetary issue, then ask them to forgo a gift for you and buy something for the children collectively- maybe a membership to a children's museum or a gift card to the movies.

I would absolutely tell your father how you are feeling. Call him and be honest. You regard them ALL as your children and that is how you should feel. I'm sorry that your father hasn't accepted your blended family. Personally, I would send back all of the gifts with a note saying that you don't "play favorites" with your children and you would prefer that they not do so either.

Gifts are voluntary. To expect or demand a gift makes it something more like a tax or tribute or ransom. The positive aspects of giving or receiving are totally lost in that scenario.

Kids tend to learn mom's and dad's attitudes, and attitude is largely chosen. So, do you want your children to learn resentment, or even a sense of entitlement? If not, just handle the lack of gifts from that contingent with grace and balance.

Considering the touchy family situation, I would put the gifts to Blood aside and wait until the other "later" gifts arrive.

I agree with Lee P. It should be all or nothing. Period.

You are a family! It's all or nothing. I'd fill my dad in & express his concerns. Let him know how unfair and cruel it is to the other kids & your husband. I wouldn't put up with it. They're kids for goodness sake! At least get something for them all to share if $$ is an issue.

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!! I cant believe people do that. I would definately put something under the tree from them. Thats just wrong. "blood"... how would they feel if you just bought for your dad and not your step mom... Maybe you should do that and see how they feel....

I would talk to your dad and let him know how upset you are! It is so wrong of them to treat these kids this way. My husband's family would NEVER do that to my daughter. It is so mean, and I can't believe that people are actually like that these days. I'm so sorry they are being this way! I hope it works out, but yes, I would put a little something under the tree for them. I would rather piss off adults than to see my kids(step or not) hurt like that!

Definitely tell your dad how you feel, but do NOT put something under the tree that you bought with the lie that it is from your dad and stepmom. I know it hurts you to the core for your stepchildren and husband not to get a gift from your dad and step-mom, however a lie is still a lie and you would be sending the wrong message to everyone involved. I would NOT let your daughter (or you) open any gifts from your dad and step-mom (and especially not in front of your husband and step kids.) I would return whatever it is they get you and your daughter to YOUR DAD and STEPMOM with a note that says if they cannot buy for all, then not to buy for you or your daughter. You don't play favorites and expect that they won't either.........I know it's hard but it is a lesson you need to send everyone involved in this situation. Good luck.

Lame grandparents doing that to the kids, that's all I can say. Sheesh.

yes i would put my foot down. they cannot buy for one and not the other. that is just so rude.

Sounds very inconsiderate.

You could suggest that they take the money they would have spent on your present, and just get the 3 kids something to make it seem fair and inclusive to the kids.

Or they could buy a present that could be enjoyed by the whole family, like a game or movie.

If they insist on their plan, it would seem completely reasonable to wait to open the gifts from them until they have arrived for the whole family.

Hope this helps!

Easiest fix I know is to request a gift everyone could enjoy. Our family loves games. Make certain the presentation of the gift is for the entire family and not just "blood". Changing the label or putting a larger label on the gift isn't a big deal. This separation only causes bad blood and who needs that? The children are innocent.

We typically lived between 3000 & 5000 miles away from family growing up. My grandmother on one side would send a check every year (we didn't know till nearly grown) sometime between Halloween and Valentines (when she could afford it). It's what "bought/paid back" out xmas PJ's that we opened up every xmas eve. We ALL got new PJs on xmas eve. Parents and kids.

Talking with my mum about it later my grandmother was only able able to afford to send $10-$20. But we needed new PJs anyway... so that's the tradition that my mum started. She paid for them and Gma got the credit, a little like santa. Gma H sent us our new PJs. (They weren't "holiday" themed, just normal pj's... so we wore them to bed that night feeling special... and then wore them all year until we grew out). She considered it a "double" gift. A gift to us from gma, and a gift from my dad to his mother.

So that's 1 option. A unilateral "double" gift.

Option 2 is to not open presents from your mom on xmas, but save it for some other time.

I tell you what i would do........send all gifts back until the whole family is included. That is just ridiculous that she does not include them.

I just have to say in my family and in my husband's family all children are treated equally step children, adopted and blood, etc. Thats what family does for family. Is it that they dont feel close to these kids? have they visited with them? Do they live with you? Maybe you need to make an effort to bring this family together, send letters and cards and pictures. arrange visits.
I would tell grandparents one game would be plenty for the whole family. TELL them if they give gifts to just one child it will be put away in the closet waiting for the others so they might as well wait till Three Kings Day or Valentines day or whatever (they can shop the after Christmas sales!)and mail all at once. TELL them you don't think its appropriate and ASK them If the real reason is how they feel about the step children. Dont push them to spend money on three gifts just tell them how much you want them to add all children's name to the card and to send a family game. YOU need to communicate with them.

I would tell him how you feel. If they aren't willing to buy for your whole "family", ask that you just stop exchanging gifts. If the kids were older, I could see it, but not if they live in your house and their sister is getting gifts, that just isn't fair to them. I hated it when my son was born and my grand-in-laws made a comment - this is our first REAL great-grandchild. I was so pissed at that, but it wasn't my place to speak up. (they had 2 great-grandchildren from step grandkids and another from a grandson's wife).

That is rude and hurtful. Frankly, I'd be so pissed that I'd tell them to save their money altogether and skip the present for you and their "blood" grandchild. I mean, really! Or, can't they instead "pool" the money they'd spend on you and your daughter and buy a gift card for the family? I know you can't dictate presents to be received, but that's just not right. I think I'd have a talk with your dad!