Parenting Teen/ Divorce Issues

First of all A., be encouraged. God is with you and He's on your side if you are trully His child. The "born again" experience is a must in becoming a part of the family of God.
Spiritual discernment tells me you are.

Please, if it is at all possible, get your daughter back in the house with you and your other child. She needs to be under your God fearing covering. Refer to the bible for you guidance, and let our Wonderful Counsellor, Jesus, speak to you out of His holy word.

As hard as it may seem, just set some parameters, with rules straight from the bible,that you can show to her. I know you have raised the children up in the word; and even when it does not seem like it matters any more, trust in God and His ability to keep His promises.

God says if we train up our children in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from "the way". God is faithful, His word works, and everyone of the promises are yea, and amen unto us His saints.

I am the Mother of 4, and grandmother of 5 grandsons. Like you, I have seen them stray, but not depart from the faith.
All claim to be saved with the evidence as taught in scripture, they are now, all grown. My grandsons are saved too. They range from age 7-21.

I know it's hard on you, and for you; but it's just right for Jesus, for nothing shall be impossible for God.

Proverbs chapter 22 has a lot to say on this matter, as well as Ephesians chapter 6, and of course Exodus chapter 20, where you will find the 10 commandmends. The one about children honoring their father and their mother, is the only
commandment with the promise of long life, and success in the land, for obedience, and the life being cut short for dis-honoring, and disobedience.

A health fear of God instilled in her, the bible teaches, is the beginning of wisdom.

Then, pray for and with your children, praying the word; because God watches over His word, to perform it!

Therefore, if we pray God's word into our lives, then we can be still and see the salvation of our God, concerning our situations.

If God speaks His word from the inside of you, through your mouth, then HE WILL BRING IT TO PASS!

Do not run out and get an attorney, that's an extra expense on you. APPEAL TO THE STATE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE IN YOUR AREA, AND HE WILL PROVIDE EVERY BIT OF LEGAL COUNSEL YOU NEED, FREE OF CHARGE. Just always follow the State's guidelines. As your children gets older, your x will have to provide for them on the next level. I know this from experience.

Please, perservere, and keep your teen with you. She needs you more than ever as she goes through puberty, (adolescense), with all the harmonal, and other changes going on. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO MANIPULATE YOU, SHE WILL TRY!

Trust and obey God, lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him in prayer, and He will direct your paths.

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. They, like us, may stray but will never, never, never depart.

Be Blessed,

Your Sister In Christ,
Beverly

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Pray! If you can talk to your husband calmly, set up a time to meet with him so you can both agree on rules for your daughter. Hopefully he has her best interests at heart too. The court may allow him to reduce his child support (pray about that, too, for favor with the judge), but you can use that as a bargaining chip. Agree to accept reduced child support if he'll agree to abide by rules for your daughter's well-being. Yes, it will be painful, but far more painful to have a daughter that turns out badly. Sell or rent out the house and move to something cheaper.

You also need to set up a time to talk to your daughter. Explain your fears and desires to her. By the time she's a teenager, spanking is counterproductive. Of course, you can give her discipline, like grounding her. Ask her about what she would do for discipline if she were the parent. The object of discipline is to teach. You want her to learn self-control and to value herself. God bless you!

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I am divorced as well...you should contact an attorney about your rights. You should also know that in Texas, if you were married for 10 years or more, you can receive alimony aside from your child support. Not sure what all the "rules" are regarding the issue, but if he left you with all the bills, it is something you may want to ask about!! Good luck with everything!

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Someone has got to display discipline in this child's life, if not, she's headed down a road of distruction. Just give her dad a little more time, he's gonna realize that she's taken advantage of him and he will finally wake up or either his new wife will get tired of her having her way. You just continue to be there for her, she'll be back and let's pray that she will finally see that you were only looking out for her best interests.

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You definitely need a lawyer if he goes to court. Unfortunately, family law practice is an expensive field and you will have to pay about $200 an hour if you're lucky. Nevertheless, unless you want to lose your daughter, you need an attorney. You need custody in order to receive child support or he will start asking you for child support.

You need custody because your daughter is at a very rebellious age. Perhaps you can reach a compromise with her, but you should continue to closely monitor her space and put time limits and other restrictions on her use of the computer, texting, etc. And so should your ex-husband.

Your ex sounds extremely unreasonable and uncaring. You gave birth to that child. You are her mother. He needs to remember his obligations to you as her mother and show some respect--especially on decisions regarding your child--the two of you should agree on things together concerning what she is allowed to do and not do.

Keep trying to reason with him. Stay calm and patient. Don't criticize the new wife. That would just be a losing battle. If anything, maybe you could bake her a cake. Make a peace offering. Parents need to stay united, no matter what.

Good luck.

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Hi A.. It sounds like you have received some encouragement already but I would like to just say that I really agree with Jen B. My heart aches for our young people. So many decisions that they make during those times are crucial to their future. As Christians we know that only God can truly change a heart. Continue to pray for her (and your son) and claim scripture over them and also for yourself. My husband & I also pray for our children's future spouses. Also, make sure you have truly forgiven your ex-husband and his new wife and pray for them as well. The Lord will help you with that too. Prayer really does change things! God bless!

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A., I'm so sorry to hear what you and the kids are going through. I think you're right in the whole MySpace issue. It is NOT a safe network for kids. If your dd wants a web-page then I'd create a Facebook account. You control who can be your friends and it's a much safer and cleaner site.

As for the disobedience issue... it sounds like tough-love is going to be the only route for you. Your daughter is playing you and your husband against one another and she seems to be winning.

Get a lawyer ASAP!!! You need someone who'll be looking after your rights and the rights of your children. Your ex still has to support his children regardless if he has more children. I don't know about the whole decreased payments thing but he is still responsible for your two kids. I'd also look into the custodial rights again especially with the way your daughter is acting and how your ex does the opposite of you.

Good luck A.. Will be praying for you.
K.

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Hi A.,
First I have to say that I am sorry for what you are going through. Divorces are difficult and so are teenagers. I think that with your daughter you need to give in a little. You might want to compromise with her. Perhaps you could allow her to wear make up and nails provided she do something to merit it, like volunteer at church or visit the elderly at a nursing home. If she wants a my space, you can help her set it up and make one with the profile settings that she can not be contacted by people that are not on her friends list. My kids and neices have one as do I. I got one so I can be on their friends list and that allows me to see their page. I also have to have their password to check for any private messages. When we set up their "my space" I set it up so that I get an email when they receive a message. The texting and my space thing is not due to the divorce, that is just typical teenage stuff. I would suggest that you see a family therapist, she will help you get over your husband's betrayal with the other woman and help you with picking the right strategy in approaching your daughter. But you must be willing to give in to some things. Make up and nails are trivial things, don't loose your relationship with your daughter over "traditions" or "rules" that do not necessarily affect her personality. My family did not allow girls to wear make up until we were 15 and there was no logical reason other than it was a family tradition. If it's a curfew or using curse words or something like that for her safety then yes, stick to your rules, but make up, nails and my space are just sign of the times.

In regards to child support, contact a lawyer and see if your ex's income has increased. He might owe you money. Get some information from your daughter as to his lifestyle and spending, your lawyer might be able use that information. If you don't get a lawyer, you will get slighted.

Sorry about the long message. Get to counselor and let us know what happens.

Wow, I am really sorry for all you are going through right now. It sounds like your daughter is really pushing the limits trying to find some sense of order and stability. I don't really know the legal side of it too much but since you mentioned that you are a christian, I think that prayer is the way to go. Of course I know you have been doing that! But I was thinking that maybe you can ask the Lord to fix your daughters heart and heal her. My mom used to read scripture and pray it over me and put my name in. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you but you are so right that she can't have the option of controlling things by constantly moving from house to house. You know this sounds a little devious but you could ask the Lord to cause her to create too much havoc over there for this young girl he married so that she wants her to move home! :0 As far as the child support issue, I would definately consult a lawyer. I have family members who have to pay child support and they have other kids and their support has never been reduced. Above all I would grab onto the promise that is in God's word that says to train up a child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it. Even if nothing changes at the moment you just hold onto God's word, pray for her, and continue to instill the things of God when you have her. The Lord is so much more powerful than any other influence in her life. God bless you, you are in my prayers!!

A., I hate to see that you are having to go through this, I know from experience that it is not fun. To start with I would like to say that your ex can not decrease his child support just because he had another child that he is supporting in his home, he can on the other hand decrease it if that child is not in the home and he is having to pay child support to someone else. On this subject, he can stop the child support because your daughter lives with him. I know that it is hard to go without the child support because I have not received it in so many years I can't even remember the last time I received child support.
On the daughter disobeying issue, that is even harder because you are fighting a losing battle because her dad lets her do whatever she wants. You can lay down rules in your home but you can not lay down rules in her dad's home. You can lock the computer so she can't get on at your house. You can take the phone away from her or take it up at night so she is not using it, that is what I do, my daughter has to put her phone in my room at night so I know she is not texting and she is getting her sleep. You can monitor her calls online with the cell phone carrier. I know it is a struggle to deal with the ex but you have to let it go and hand it over to God. Be there for your daughter when she needs you, because she will need you. It is better to know that there are things that you can control and there are things that you can not control. My dayughter is 15 and I monitor all the time, that is what we have to do as parents. But when she was going to her dad's I could not do anything about what they did over there, it is hard but know that God is a wonderful God and He will bring you through this.