Parenting an Only Child

I, too, have an only child by choice, and my little family of 3 could not be happier. I am so happy to hear that no one on this board has given you a hard time about it; I've found that the overall tone of this board is far more supportive and nonjudgmental than many others I've been on :)
I agree with a lot of the suggestions other moms have posted. We just enrolled our 4 yr old in preschool, and he is having the time of his life. I'm realizing now that I did tend to keep him in a bubble with me at home in the first couple of years, mostly b/c of my shyness. But my kiddo is so outgoing that I had to get over it real quick! I haven't read any books on raising only children; we just do what any parent would do regardless of how many kids are in the house. We emphasized sharing by playing with him ourselves and practicing taking turns with toys just as he would with siblings. We got a membership to the DuPage Children's Museum 2 yrs ago, and we practically live there. I think as long as we make a point to socialize our onlies without overscheduling them, they will thrive as well as any other kid.
Good luck!
Edited to add: Please do not listen to people (such as another poster on this board) who will try to guilt you into putting your family through the stress of having the "built-in playmate." Having siblings does not guarantee your child happiness; my husband has 2 siblings, and they never got along. In fact, he and his brother never speak and hated each other growing up. I have never known an only child who fit any of the stereotypes place upon them by society and narrow-minded people; my son is very good at sharing, is very kind to others, and is definitely not spoiled. The audacity with which others will try to control your family size based on these stereotypes frustrates me to no end.
Ignore them!

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A.,

I am also the mother of an only child,a 2 1/2 year old boy who is the love of my life! For medical reasons I am not able to have anymore children. To make a long story short I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and then later breast cancer. I had to have both ovaries removed, and my decison not to concieve again was made for me. I am now on the road to full recovery, but the decision not to have a second child (though adoption of course) has become more clear to me as my son has gotten older. When I was struggling with my decision to raise him an only child, I read an excellent book that was recommended to me entitled Parenting an Only Child by Susan Newman. I highly recommend that you or anyone else who has an only child or is considering just having one child read this book. After reading it I discovered so many positive things both from the prospective of the parents and the child. There are a lot of myths about only children that just are not true. I don't spoil my son, but there are so many things that I can do with him and for him that I could not do if I had two or more children. I could go on and on with all the positives!

I would very much like to get involved in a playgroup of mothers of onlies. I had started looking into this before my breast cancer diagnosis last fall, and then ended up putting it on hold. I am now in full recovery and am ready to move forward!

Good luck to you and your little one A.! I hope you will find that there is so much support out there for families just like us who have onlies!

J.

2 moms found this helpful

I have a bit of a different perspective since I am an only child. The sharing thing is probably the most important and the hardest. My parents worked very hard at this, but I have to say I was never as good as my friends with sibs. Mainly because I never had to share a room or parental attention. That being said I don't think that you can't learn how to do those things even later in life. I think my parent also worked hard at letting me lose, even when it was unfair, because that is the way life is. I have seen only childern of my age group that are self-centered and entitled, but I don't think it has to turn out that way. Good luck. I know I didn't really give you any ideas, but hopefully a perspective.

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A., I have some really good advice for you. I had one child, got cancer and could not have more (Long story).

1. Daycare, Daycare, Daycare. Get that child around other children as early as possible. I am not kidding, please trust me on this. You want your child to begin communicating with other children right away.

2. Watch what conversations you have around your child. Your child may be young, and children already pick up enough, but single children, they pick up a lot more. My son began carrying on adult conversations at 3 years old. And with single children, it does not stop when they are young, they nose into every conversation you are having with another adult because they think it is thier business also.

3. DO NOT SPOIL YOUR CHILD. Do not buy them everything they want. Whether you can afford it or not, it is ok to tell your child "NO, you can't have it" I do not care if they have a temper tantrum or not. Do not give in. Teach them young not to interrupt conversations you are having with other adults or while you are on the phone. Do not let your child get thier way, or talk back to you, or tell you no.

I am trying to tell you this because if you let it go, and then you try to fix it when they are older, it is so difficult.

4. Try to get back to work. Although you love your child and love to be around them, with a single child, you should show boundries. You have your time for work,(or going to the gym, or whatever else) and then there is time for you and your child. Your single child will begin to expect you to always be home with them and take them everywhere you go, if you do not do this.

I am trying to save you a lot of problems, I hope this is something you will consider seriously ok?

If you have any other questions, I will be happy to help you with them.

Take care.

1 mom found this helpful

I am an only child so the advice I give you is from my perspective as an only and not the parenting side.

I agree with the other posts that having the child in daycare/camps/activities is very important. I remember growing up with 2 full time working parents that there were many times I wished that I had a sibling simply to have someone else to talk to/play with/etc.
Being around other children also reinforces the sharing concept. As an only, that was a difficult concept to understand because there was no one else to share toys/time/attention with. Having kids over to the house helps with sharing also.
Spoiling can be an issue too. I believe my parents did a wonderful job with me. I got things that I wanted like any child would, but not everything. I also still had to work for many things as well. That was a valuable lesson that I've kept with me to this day.
Yes, there were times when I was growing up that I was disappointed that I did not have brothers and sisters (especially since all my friends at the time had siblings). Now, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love the relationship I have with my parents as an only.
I hope that some of this helped you. If you have any other questions, I'd be more than happy to answer them for you! Best wishes for the continued good health of your husband also!

A. M,
"gender matters" ,"boys adrift" (because you have a boy), "birth order",and "How to make your child mind without loosing yours" are the books I would recommend to all parents and I can't live without now. "Birth order" is really good for what you looking for . Also "how to make your child mind without loosing your" (by Dr. Keven Leman)is great for how to discipline any child constructively not destructively. "Birth order" and "making your child mind without loosing yours" are by the same author and he is great don't matter what one of his many books you get. He has a new one coming out soon (more on raising kids). Gender matters and Another by that author boy's adrift are good if you have boys. Gender matters is for everyone thou.
I have a only child and have struggled with understanding him at times. Dr. Kevin Leman the author of the birth order and the child minding books is the best. He has helped me understand how to make my son a responsible , giving, 4 yr old.
I have read many other books (as I don't have family to help when the going gets tuff and it does with a only child.) and never found the information I was looking for till I found these books.
Gender matters and boys adrift (by Leonard Sax, MD, PHD)are books about the differences in the way males and female use and operate there brains, how they are not just physically different in body but there brains are way different too and how they process things and see things different. I found it very interesting and found that it helped me understand the male speices in general . My husband as well as my son.
Hope these help you as much as they helped me.
Good Luck!

I am the single mom to an only child, a daughter, 11. I thought I'd have four children, but divorced her dad shortly after she was born because of his alcoholism.

In some regards, it has been a blessing. We're mobile--if we want to go downtown to an art gallery or have appetizers in a nice restaurant, it's easier to do with one child. We can share interests and conversation. And because she has spent so much time with me and my friends, few of whom have children, she has grown into a child who adults take pleasure in being around (even those who don't like children much).

But too, as much time as she has spent in day care and camps over the years, she still seems to need an extreme level of attention. This has been difficult because to make ends meet, I work full time and freelance evenings and weekends. I know it would have been easier had she grown up with a playmate every day, a looser structure than a playdate. And it's caused problems at school, where she expects the same constant attention and responsiveness from her teachers. She refuses to accept responsibility for bringing work home or turning it in and likes to play the cute baby.

I've never fostered this neediness; in fact, I value independence most. I was a first-born and handled everything for my own working parents and younger sisters after school and during the summer. I've taught her how to bake, to clean the bathroom, put sheets on a bed, etc. But she still feels the need to ask me about every step and needs reminding at all times. So I guess I'd welcome some suggestions on how to break this cycle.

We are not able to have another child due to a genetic condition I have and I have been educating myself as much as I could. The one book that other moms of onlies have told me is a good one is "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only" by Susan Newman. I have not personally read it, but I just ordered it the other day. Another book that I am in the process of reading, which I am finding very informative is "Keys to Parenting the Only Child" by Carl Pickhardt. He also has another book coming out in March called "The Future of Your Only Child: How to Guide Your Child to a Happy and Successful Life" which I am very interested in reading. I also read "The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child" which I found somewhat helpful, but a lot of the advice was common sense stuff. I have also found that there are some books out there that you could read to your child to help him understand. To find out all the books that are out there for you and your child, go to www.amazon.com and type in Only Child. My daughter is three years old and has been starting to understand about sisters and brothers since her friends all have siblings. We recently got a puppy and she says that he is her brother, which is very cute and everything, but I want her to understand what siblings are and that she doesn't have any. I also intend to get those books too to read to her when she gets a little older to help her understand.

At first I was very depressed about the thought of our daughter being an only, but as I have been reading and talking to other moms of onlies, there are so many pros that I never realized. I still ache at times when I am with my pregnant friends or see pregnant women, but I am realizing that my daughter will not be lacking in so many things that I thought she would. Only children actually grow up to be more confident than their peers with siblings and the myth about them being spoiled children is just that ~ a myth. As I am sure you have seen, so many children are spoiled ~ and a majority them are not onlies.

I hope that reading the books will help you. Hugs to you!!

I was an only child and if asked today what my parents could have done differently, I actually would say "not so many camps, sports, etc and more time with my parents."

As I grew older I felt somewhat isolated socially (we also lived in the country, which did not help things) and I also - once I got out of college and didn't have the sports and the like, didn't really know what to do with myself when not working.

So give your son lots of attention and hugs. And spend lots of time with him.

That is what I would say.

I was an only child and I have to say that I was unbelievably LONELY. I was always on the outside fringes of several groups but never really felt like I belonged anywhere until I was in my late teens, early 20's. I'm just saying I think that being so lonely stunted me in some ways. I'm not saying have more kids necessarily but you should definately get your kid involved in some kind of class or activity so that he is good at making friends and being around kids from early on. A tumbling class is fun and easy and can help him learn how to fall properly and not get hurt as he gets older and becomes more and more of a dare devil! I would say always make sure he is involved in one thing outside of school that will foster a sense of belonging and friendship. That could even be a church group or something. Cheers!

A....I am an only child. I have two children of my own, and now I can see the mistakes my mother made with me in regards to being an only child. My best advice is to UP the social interactions your son has...enroll in every class and social opportunity you can. Start now: art, music, gym, dance, sports, whatever interests him. But introduce new things that he might not gravitate to naturally. The bigger your child's social network the easier it will be for him to not feel lonely as he matures. Developing confidence is huge when it comes to only children. I have lots of ideas of places to go to find great opportunities for kids, so let me know if you need any help in that regard. I'd be happy to help.

Hi A.,
We are also contemplating the idea of an only child. Mostly for age reasons as we are at the other end of the spectrum. But a book I am currently reading is really helping me see how great having an only child can be. Not just for the parents but mostly for the child. It really addresses only child stereotypes. It's "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys & Challenges of Raising Your One & Only", by Susan Newman, Ph.D.

Best of luck. It's a hard decsion.
C. M

Enjoy it, surround him with friends, and love him to death. The best thing you can do for him is to show him and raise him in a loving family. There are play dates to be had, classes to take, and school down the road. There will be friendships to be made down the line, that can be as special as any sibling realtionship.

Check out the web site
onlychild.com

I too would be interested in any response you get. I have a 6 yr old boy.

Hi - I'm the mother of our only son, Max, who is 3 1/2. A friend who is also has a "one and only" recommended a good book to us: "My One and Only" by Ellie McGrath. It's not available in print, but if you follow this link on Amazon, you can buy a used copy for very little. It addresses some of the myths around only children. Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/My-One-Only-Special-Experience/dp/0...

Enjoy! T.

I don't think there is anything you need to do that you wouldn't do for a child with siblings. Whatever you do, don't let anyone scare you into believing that Only Children are "spoiled" or selfish. My father was an only child, and he is much more loving and affectionate than my mother, who has a brother. You don't need to do anything special for an only child. Just be a loving, supportive, and affectionate parent, and set a positive example. That's all any child needs.

A....I have no advice for you on books nor am I going to say you are wrong for not having anymore children..that is you and your husband choice...no one elses....but iam going to keep saying prayers for you and your husband that he stays healthy. It seems like you are already doing what you can for your son by having him play with kids his own age and that is what he needs. When he starts acting up at home or in the store etc say to him what I say to my 2 boys which are ages 8 and 6...I say to them..." this is not how we act" lol..sometime it works and sometime it doesnt" also I do the 1..2...3..time out.. Good luck to you and your little family....
K.

Hi A.- my husband and I have also made the decision to have just one child- our son is two. The decision feels right for us but I respect that it's not the right decision for others. My advice is to ignore those busy bodies who may tell you that it's not fair to have only 1 child- I get this a lot, mainly from people I barely even know (weird). We also enroll our son in a few toddler classes and through doing this, we've met some really nice parents and now attend weekly playgroups at alternate houses because it's too cold to go to the park. We think it's important to be really social with our son as well as spending tons of one-on-one time with him. I've met a lot of adult only children and all of them have said that they love being only children and love their close relationship with their parents. Someone also noted that her parents always let her take a friend or a cousin on family vacations to have someone her own age to pal around with- I like this idea.

Hope this helps!

I have an only child. He is now 25 years old. All I can tell you from my experiences is that you need to be tough. Always follow through with whatever you tell your son. I never did, and today he has some issues with using me as a doormat. Why should he leave home? I may though, lol! You need to be firm and stick to your decision and don't give up. If you say your going to do something, do it! Otherwise he will never see you as the authoritarian and walk all over you. He needs to see that you deserve the respect that you are entitled to. Good Luck! Be strong and you'll do just fine. P.S. I am very happy with the decision though that I had only one.

Hi A.,

I can see why you've made your decision and I don't disagree with your reasoning. When it comes right down to it, YOU TWO are the only ones who can make the right decision for your family. I have 4 boys, ages 13-11-11-9, and I couldn't imagine life with out them. It has been my experience that with 'only child' children the biggest problem is that they tend to be selfish, not having HAD to share any of their belongings and they do tend to say that they were lonely at times even though their parents were wonderful. Then too, parents of an only child tend to give their child more than they would if there were 2 or more children to raise. My advice is to keep him socialized with cousins, friends, neighbors, etc... Don't give him every thing he asks for and don't try to make him less lonely by giving in when he wants something. And later if you do decide that you'd like to have another child, remember to include him in the decision. If you keep him familiar with babies he will know what to expect and you shouldn't have as hard a time with the 'new baby syndrome'. Good luck with your family, best wishes for a long and happy life together. And just remember, you are the parent and not his friend, don't let him guilt you into letting him do what he wants.

I respect your decision, but as an only child I remember yearning for a sibling and I do to this day. However, I have friends who loved being onlies.
The negatives I remember from being an only were growing up too quickly, being caught in the middle of my parents arguments and often feeling lonely.
The positives are: I learned to enjoy my own company; I got to spend quality time with my parents; I became self-suffcient at an early age; and I think all that alone time gave me lots of opportunities to be creative.
My parents often allowed me to bring a friend on trips.

Hello A.,
I have two little boys and I like the book Bringing up Boys by James Dobson. I am still reading it, seems like a really good book.

My advice to you, A., would be... DON'T LET HIM BE THE ONLY! I am an only myself, and I am also the mother of a beautiful little 13-month-old girl. I cannot even begin to express to you enough the importance of having siblings. There's nothing like being the only one... the sheer negative connotation of being an only is so hard, let alone, having no one to understand what it is to be your child (let's face it, he's not always going to see eye-to-eye with you and your husband), and when you get older, unless he marries into a large family, it's completely up to him to take care of y'all. No one else. Things like moving, taking trips, simply picking up the phone to talk to a brother or sister... nothing would be better. Perhaps, if you have siblings yourself, this is more understandable. I understand the fear of the brain tumor issue, but for me, that's even more reason to branch out with your family. Only children are wonderful people, don't get me wrong. They have a sense of friendship like no one who has siblings. Unfortunately, it's hard to grow up being the only and then turn around and build lasting relationships with others who may not be able to give everything all the time like you and your husband were able to. I don't know of any books to advise you on, but take my advice. Consider the cons of only childhoodism (ish) truly, before you make the ultimate decision. My parents, to this day, wish they could change theirs that they made so many years ago. Good luck!

By choice, we are only having one child and it's the most wonderful thing in the world. DD will be 4 in a few days and she is a very well adjusted child. She has been in daycare since 7.5 weeks since we both work fulltime and has an overabundance of cousins. She does attend pre-school one day a week so she is getting plenty of time with other children to play and learn from. She is also VERY mature for her age because we have always expected her to handle things, too. It's also a lot of fun because she and I do things together that we wouldn't be able to if there were more children. I am happy with having only one child because I can spend quality time with her without being distracted. Yes, there are hard days such as trying to get rest when sick but she has no one to keep her company but we are a very happy family with just the 3 of us. As far as the spoiling thing, it's actually just as hard with one as it is with more to avoid spoiling. Many times, I'll tell dd that something costs too much for us to get and she has started to say the same thing when we're in stores so that totally helps:) Also, it's much more fun to see what you can find around the house to pretend with, eg toilet paper rolls are "spotting scopes", owl eyes, magic wands, trumpet, drum sticks, etc.