Paranoid or Jealousy?

it sounds like you may have slight feelings he is cheating. Ask him flat out. Ask him to justify a 55 minute phone call on the weekend. I think texting is completely inappropriate. If he denies it, then he should let you read all the texts, and if he does not, than he is hiding something.

I would tell him how it bothers you and see what he says, he should be understanding since you said you guys have good relationship and communication is not a problem. He shouldn't get upset/defensive. I know I would tell my husband. I hope things workout. Because that would bother me too.

Good Luck
Mia

Tell him!! If you have a good communication relationship, he will understand how you are feeling. If you don't tell him, it will just fester and fester. You may be paranoid, but do both of you a favor and talk about it before it gets out of hand.

Good luck!

K.,

I believe that the other ladies have directed you well, you should definitely talk to your husband about how much this is bothering you. I am going to go further, though, and at the sake of appearing old fashioned or too fundamental, I think it is highly innappropriate for a married man to allow himself to be in a situation alone with a woman that is not his wife or other family member for long periods of time. I don't care if they are saving money on gas by carpooling, it is playing with a loaded gun as far as I'm concerned. I noticed from your other post regarding your daughter that there are frictions in your home between you and your husband. By spending so much time alone with this other woman (work or not), it gives him ample time to open up about any problems he's having at home and of course her sympathy will rub his ego like nothing you can do right now. I'm not saying your husband is cheating but it appears the ingredients are there and if there's one thing I've learned in my own marriage, what you think is impossible is in fact very possible. If your husband truly loves you and wants you to feel loved and secured in this marriage he will realize that spending time with her is unhealthy for you and is therefore, unhealthy for the marriage. If she is any type of honorable woman (and I'm really hoping she is), she will completely understand the need to make her own transportation arrangements and not do anything that would bring disharmony in her "friend's" marriage. If your husband fights you on this, I would be very suspicious because after all, his number one priority should be pleasing you and making you feel secure in this marriage. I hope the best for you and your family.

Well, K., I just wrote you about the "mean mommy" thing. You have a lot to deal with right now! It is so hard being postpartum, taking care of a new baby, continuing to take care of a daughter who needs special attention, and dealing with all the usual wife/husband issues.

I don't know what you should think or do, necessarily. I think Crystal was wise in saying be sure you know what you will do if you talk to your husband and it doesn't go well. Based on your other issue, it does sound at the least as if your husband is not very supportive of you right now. It would bother me if my husband was having this much contact with another woman, for any reason, and especially if he was also undermining my discipline of our daughter.

I don't think men realize how much emotional and physical support women need after they've had a baby. But just because your hormones are out of whack doesn't mean you're reading this wrong! I wouldn't blame anything on hormones to him...don't give him an easy "out." I think I would talk to him more in general terms...we need to get on the same page with what we are doing as a family...try to gauge his level of committment and openness to that before you proceed with concerns about the woman. But when and if you can, I would really work hard to find a way to end that relationship! If you can get him to a place of saying he really would do whatever it takes to give his family what they need, then perhaps you could tell him very matter-of-factly what you've observed. Don't say more than that, especially if he asks if you think he's having an affair. Just point out the facts, and tell him you would really like for him to stop having contact with that woman.

I will say this sounds a lot like an emotional affair, and if you Google that term, you will see how dangerous that can be! So don't blame your suspicions on hormones, and don't throw this all up in his face, but do listen to your instincts and keep watching...and read up on emotional affairs.

Bless you, K.. You are in a hard spot, but "this, too, shall pass." If you believe in God, turn to Him with all of this. He knows and He cares, and He will make a way for you and your family.

S.

TELL HIM!!! Confront him, go with your gut!

K.,

I strongly encourage you to think about your actions in this situation. If there is more to the relationship than you feel comfortable with - can you handle it? Please don't investigate further if you cannot handle the possibility of an unfavorable outcome. Good luck!

Wow!! My heart goes out to you...not because I think that he is cheating, but because the obvious turmoil that this has been causing you. There is probably nothing at all going on, however, if you feel that their relationship is inappropriate, then you should discuss it will him. I am sure that he can understand. Something to keep in mind is this....The dynamics of marriage have changed drastically in the last 50 years. Just think, it is just our generation of women that really have a chance at holding a distinguished career, a happy family, and priviledged children without the help of a man. You and I may not think that way, but many women out there do. And they don't really think twice about imposing their views on our husbands and families.... The direction in which our society is moving is not really supportive of married life. So those of us who are married and want to stay that way, must work extra hard to keep our marriage going. Communication and understanding of each other is key to keeping any relationship going. I would suggest a book to you called "The New Rules of Marriage" by Terrance Real. It has really helped me understand myself and most importantly...my husband much better.

Oh honey!!!!! I would tell him! You are going through so much right now emotionally (not to mention physically after giving BIRTH!!!!) - your hormones are going crazy right now!! I just know he will understand! Especially if you two have a very open communication line. Tell him what you just said - that you are uncomfortable with it. Not that you don't trust him, but that right now you need all of the support you can get and him talking with another women on the phone for almost an hour is not okay with you...that's just adding to your stress!! I don't care who she is...and if she is a good person, which I'm sure she is, she will understand too! Good luck and don't worry too much....but let him know! :) Congratulations on the new baby!

You definitely need to talk to him about it and let him know that it bothers you. He cannot read your mind. In my opinion you need to find out why he is talking to her for an hour when they are not at work. Just my opinion. Good Luck

Sweet heart, let's turn the tables a bit. If it were you then what would he do? See this is one of our biggest problems as women. We always second guess our womanly intuition. I'm not saying go and accuse him but what I am saying is do what your heart feels and do it now. Why.. would you be confortable with another women riding in the same car with yor husband longterm for what ever reason? And one you know little about.. It's not that you don't trust you husband... but never.. trust another women with you husband to a certain extent. There are boundaries, and too much time alone is a no, no... There are too many men/women who do not respect marriage and family these days. My husband and I have a very open communication and if anything seems fishy at any given time, he know I'm going to question him. I expect the same from him. Some things you just do for the sake of principal. It shows that you care about your union and that your are paying attention.

O.k... I just read your update. Good for you. Everyone's not as fortunate so thank God. For future purposes, please don't ever second guess expressing how you feel even if they are premature, it's healthy..

No worries, he loves you and that's all you need.

YOU NEED TO TELL HIM!! You just mentioned y'all had great communication and now you're wondering if you should tell him your bothered by it. If anything, there's no reason for the text messages or long phone calls. Can't they talk about that when they're carpooling? I would also question the carpooling thing? It sounds like a nice gesture to do that, but in the end if an emotional affair is beginning then the carpooling needs to stop too. Be careful and definitely be open with him about your feelings. How can he change the situation if he doesn't know how you feel. He can't read your mind. Good luck!

I realize that I am pretty old fashioned, but my husband does not drive any other woman in his car, unless it is an emergency! They have had the time to develop a friendship that is clearly inappropriate, and if the driving had never started in the first place, they would not have had the time to get to 55 minute phone calls!! My husband and I have pretty strict, yet realistic "rules" about things like this. It always starts out innocent, so we have decided to never allow it to start at all. He studies for school alot, but never with only one woman. He does not carpool with women, I would rather spend the money on gas, and he has never had lunch with a woman. Even when he was in the business world, he was very respected for his views, and it was not a problem. I feel for you, and hope that the lesson learned for both can be an ounce of prevention. If, however, he does not see that this is a problem, you have a bigger situation on your hands. I hope your conversation goes well, you should push it, and maybe try the "if it were me" angle. Good luck ~A.~

If you and your husband have a good relationship, then speak up!!! Dont let this eat at you!! It may be friendship and innocent now, but it could transition and he needs to know that you are aware...also, why is he doing all of this behind your back? Talking to her for an hour while working out? If it were all innocent, he would have talked with her for an hour while sitting on the couch beside you, then you would have had the option of hearing the whole conversation, instead, he did it so that you would not even know that they spoke!! Sounds fishy!!!

I'm old fashioned too and so is my husband. I don't think either one of us would agree with the other driving someone of the opposite sex alone in their car for any extended period of time. It's just not something married people do. I think men are so different than women and sitting in a car for very long drive can just leave way too much time for 2 people to get close. Even if 2 women carpooled for long distances frequently, I think they would become close friends. After all, it's hard to find that much time to spend with anyone in this busy world we live in. Just having someone, anyone who will listen to us for 55 minutes would probably be nice. And I think it would lead to closeness. And I think it's inappropriate for a married man and any women other than his wife to share any type of closeness.
I'm also concerned about her calling on the weekends. Is there any chance at all that they're talking about business or would the calls definitely be personal? That does send up red flags for me.
I've learned very quickly to realize that anything can happen in any marriage and even right under your nose. My aunt and uncle were married for 23 years. They were best friends with my other aunt's SIL and husband. They did stuff together every weekend and even went on many trips together. My aunt always suspected that something was going on between my uncle and my other aunt's SIL. My uncle would profusely say no and tell my aunt she was losing her mind. When in fact they were having an affair for about 2 years. I'm still amazed they hid it for that long and I'm shocked that would hang out together and the 2 of them were keeping this little secret affair.
I wish you luck in talking to your husband and I hope nothing is going on.
A.

I'm not saying that your husband is having a affair!!! I at one point in my life (and I hate to admit this because I regret it so) was the other woman. I think married men and women can be friends, but not if the friendship doesn't include spouses. He is at least having an emotional affair. Talk to him, don't accuse him, but talk to him. I used to talk to my married guy and text message etc... he told his wife we were just friends.... We weren't just friends.

Every situation is different, but coming from the bad side.. talk to him he needs to be talking to you for 55 minutes not her.

good luck. God Bless.

You need to talk to him about it. It may just be your new-mama hormones, as we all go through a lot of conflicting and unfamiliar feelings as new mamas. Regardless of what is causing you to feel this way, in order to maintain the open and trusting relationship with your husband, you have to be honest. This is something that is really affecting you, and something this important should never go unsaid.

Take it from someone who does NOT have good communication with my spouse, that which is left unsaid usually causes much more harm than the issues that are talked about, dealt with and understood.

He has to be in the car for this lady for so long and yet they still need to talk after that? He is inspecting homes, what is there to talk about for almost an hour?. You say your husband is a family oriented person and I believe you, but is she? She should know better than that and how much do you know about her, is she single? My husband has a co-worker and one day when I went down to his job and we all 3 ended up talking a conversation came about that put an alarm in my head. It let me see that their conversations where getting a bit out of hand and I told him about it. I am not going to keep it to myself. It is my husband, I married him, not someone else and I plan to keep it that way. He apologized, he recognized the situation. So, be honest with him before something happens, it is very easy to fall into temptation.

I would trust your instincts. I am not a suspicious person at all, but it sounds like he is cheating or is thinking about it. Either way, he is getting female intimacy even through conversation. I would definitely tell him your feelings. The phone calls is where it all starts.

Never mind...Just read your update. I am so glad for you! Congrats!

Who cares whether it is paranoia or jealousy?? The point is that it is bothering you, and this is a bad feeling you are having, just the feeling of NOT knowing what to do or say to make it go away. TALK TO HIM, just be sure that your words are not attacking or accusing. Tell him you feel uncomfortable and for what reasons (maybe hold some ammo, he does not need to know that you already know he has been on the phone with her for an hour or so at a time, you may need that later) and give him the chance to comfort or reassure you that everything is fine. If you do not talk about it then it can get much worse, and he will not know how you feel if you do not tell him!!!!!
I wish you the best honey!!

Hi K.,

I think you should talk to your husband and voice your concerns and feelings. Hopefully it will be nothing but you feel better knowing it was nothing. And if something is going on, wouldn't rather know now than later? You don't want to live with a cheating man, do you? Calm your nerves by talking to him. I'd be going nuts too knowing my husband was on the phone a lot when he's not a phone guy at all - especially if his long conversations were with another woman. So talk it out.

-Char

i'd ask. it would bug me, too. it's better to maybe feel or seem foolish than to let it eat at you!

I friend of mine had a very similar situation with her husband. This lady friend would call him often supposedly for advice on handing various problems she was having with her family. They also developed this closeness from spending lots of time together on the job. The unhealthy truth is that they were having an emotional affair. She was persistent and he felt valued by her at the very least. As Dr. Phil says, "You are getting something out of this." Even if it's not physical at this point, it is emotional.

His wife calmly but firmly told him she was very uncomfortable with the situation (as he would be if the situation were reversed), and insisted that he keep the conversation short when she called. The lady left that job and her phone calls to him became fewer and farther between.

Yes, you should definitely have a talk with him. I believe you should also ask him to find a way to discontinue the car pooling.

How long is this arrangement supposed to last? Are they business associates where she has a reason to call and could just possibly be talking about work? Does she text him anything that is out of line? If not I wouldn't worry. Staying at home --especially after just having a baby, does somehow make a woman feel a little more insecure. That is normal. I would talk to your husband about how you are feeling.

oh, I just read your update. I'm glad things worked out. I do recommend that husband and wives avoid situations where the other person has doubts. If your husband values your marriage, he should agree. :)

Ok, never mind! I saw your update after I posted my advice... So glad that worked out for you, K.! God bless, K. :)

Hi K.,
Congratulations on your "newborn princess"!...I have three of those myself. What a joy, huh? They only get cuter and cuter... :)

Have you talked to your husband about this? That's definitely the first step. You certainly would want to give him the benefit of a doubt and a chance to explain.

I just wanted to offer the idea of a rule my husband and I always try and abide by...we heard this long ago and think it makes perfect sense for eliminating questionable situations. We never spend time alone with members of the opposite sex without each other or at least other adults we both know and trust around. That way there is never a scenario where suspicions have a chance to creep in and wreck havoc on your emotions and trust levels. And there's never a question of character in anyone else's eyes, too...i.e...Jane saw Sam hanging out with Betty and started a rumor that Sam was cheating on Annie with Betty...etc...etc... For us, it's not a matter of trust in each other, and the irony is we both trust each other immensely. But when it comes to our marriage, we value each other's feelings and hold our bond as something sacred so much that we have no trouble eliminating the opportunity where doubt could show it's ugly face...alone time with other men or women. That to say, sure, there may come times where it's not feasible to keep this rule...but we do go out of our way to try.

However, I wouldn't immediately jump to "worst case scenarios" here...Maybe they have been discussing work related stuff and it's completely innocent. But...even if there is no problem on your husband's end, the other lady spending so much time alone with your husband could be a problem for her... Just a thought.

Regardless, don't feel guilty for wanting to protect your marriage or feel uncomfortable with your husband spending so much time alone with another woman. I think that's a perfectly normal response and most women would feel just like you do. But I also wouldn't jump to conclusions or throw accusations in his direction until you clear the air with him and tell him how it makes you feel.

All the best,
K.

I don't think that you are being crazy, this would bother me to. I think it would put your mind at ease if you told your husband how you feel about it. If there really is nothing going on between him and this other lady, then he should be fine with confining his contact with her to the times that they are working. If she is a friend she should be understanding about it also because she would respect that your husband is a family man with a wife that he loves dearly, and wouldn't want to jeopardize it. I think that you are right to give your husband the benefit of the doubt at this point, however, if it pursists after you tell him how you feel about it, you might want to start asking deeper questions.

Also with a newborn, he might just need the extra support of an adult friendship. Newborns no matter how sweet they are, can be tiring and stressful even for the parent working outside of the home. Big adjustment no matter who you are.

Good Luck! And Congrats on the baby!!

Nip it in the bud now! Let him know you are uncomfortable with the situation. Knowing that he should respect your wishes and keep this girl strictly business.
Maybe he feels that since you have a newborn he is kind of neglected. I have a 7 week old and my husband gets like that. He was even worse with our 1 year old when he was born. Your husband may not have any intentions with this woman but you never know her side. Why would a woman call a married man if she respected his wife?
I am trying to take the positive approach for your sake but if your have to be asking the question then you need to look further into the situation. I learned long ago that if you have to wonder then something is probably wrong.
Be open and let him know. Maybe this carpool situation needs to stop. I would rather save my marriage and sanity than a few extra bucks in gas. You are very nice to even let him do that!

Good luck!

I understand how you could be leery about asking him about the phone calls, but it is your right to ask him why he is talking to her so much. If you aren't comfortable saying something because you don't know what to think, maybe you could talk to a close friend or relative first. Someone who knows you both very well.

If your communication within your marriage is open and honest, you should be able to ask him with out him getting upset. Don't ask him in a way that might put him on the defensive. Ask him if everything is ok with her, and when he answers, or asks why, which he more than likely will, just say you've noticed that she's been calling more than usual.

As for you not working and being in the house all the time. Depending on how old your baby is, you should get out of the house, alone, with the baby or with family or friends. Don't stay in the house constantly, get out and enjoy yourself, before you definitely go crazy.

I'm sure it's probably nothing, but you have to know to ease you mind. I hope all go well.

I think you should absolutely tell him about your feelings. If he was feeling this way, you would want him to talk to you about it right. If there is nothing going on, then he will totally understand and he should adjust the time he spends talking to her stricly to work hours.

Good luck! I am sure it is nothing.

K.,

Based on the information you provided, I would say you should - without a doubt - immediately address this with your husband. Tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation. There is NO reason for a married man to be on the phone with another woman for nearly an hour. Period.

Good luck,
C.

Yes, do talk to him about it. Tell him that you know that your hormones are going crazy, and that there is probably nothing to worry about, but at this point it bothers you. A woman can feel very vulnerable and unattractive after having a baby, and you really need him to reassure you. Just let him know honestly that you aren't accusing him of anything, but that you wanted him to know that it bothers you.

I think it's perfectly okay to ask him to do something about this... since you did just have his baby! It's likely that he'll be very understanding, as long as you don't throw out accusations.

Do you want to know?
None of believes that our husbands are cheating on us. I just recently found out that my husband has a sexual addiction. I Never would have believed it. He’s active in our church, a great father; he always expressed great moral values (especially where sexual/ relationship issue where concerned). But….
Honestly, I think your husband probably is seeing this other woman. not that I know, but (I can’t tell you how many times I thought… am I just going crazy? Making a mountain out of a molehill) as it turns out I wasn’t crazy… he was lying. And I wish I would have listen and confronted those things with conviction, because each time I let it pass as something wrong with me it was like tearing a little piece of my soul off.
We started some group programs, and the other women have expressed that their husbands started “acting out” with other women at the birth of their child, it seems fairly common that their husband’s believed they weren’t getting the all the attention any more. WHICH IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT.
I think if I were you, I would have to know…
Here are a few things that helped me start to process
A woman’s healing journey.com blazing grace.org and a book that helped me was Living with My Husbands Secret Wars.
And many women said that the best way was to confront at a therapist or pastor’s office.
There is hope.

I think it is great to talk to him about your feelings. I know that when I try to stiffle my feelings, they build and build. I would just approach is calmly, tell him you noticed that he has been talking to this woman quite a bit and wonder if there might be something he needs to tell you/talk about. A woman's intuition is a powerful thing. I think it is fine for people to have friends of other genders, but if it makes you uncomfortable, talk about it!

I know how you feel, my husband is an attorney and stays on his cell phone and one particular client called and text and called the house etc. and he always went into the other room so I got a little concerned, so ((how awful am I?)) I checked his text and everything seemed completely legit, made me feel a lot better and I got over my paranoia... lol.

the longer you wait to talk to him about it, the more you are going to drive yourself crazy..I would simply start off by saying that you were looking over the cell phone minute usage and you have noticed that you guys have been using more than usual..and then go from there..if it's making you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop. And as great as a relationship as I have with my husband, I would NOT be comfortable with that behavior at all.

I would confront him with how you are feeling. Otherwise, if you keep it inside you might blow up, and that would not be good. It's better to get your feelings out rather than keeping them all bottled up inside.

never mind I just read your update.

It does not sound innocent to me. Even if he is not yet having an affair, it sounds like this relationship is totally inappropriate. Don't put your head in the sand.

I’m so sorry for the struggle you are going through right now. I agree with Stacey in that you shouldn’t give him the ‘maybe it’s just my post-partum hormones’ excuse. This puts the blame of how you feel completely on you - and his actions have played a role in this. You’re not frustrated because of your hormones - you’re frustrated because your husband in spending a lot of time with another woman. It’s that simple. I am not old fashioned and I don’t think it’s inappropriate for them to carpool. But, I do think the weekend and night calls ARE inappropriate. Whatever he talked to her about for 55 minutes was maybe a conversation he SHOULD have been having with YOU. The point here is that by spending excessive amounts of time with her, whether in the car, through email, or on the phone - those are precious minutes he could be having a conversation with his wife. Anything that he feels comfortable talking to her about - he should feel completely vulnerable and open to talk to you about. In reality, he should WANT to talk to you about it - not her. You said that you have always had an open communication with him - but obviously there has been a breakdown somewhere for him in regards to communicating with you. I’m not saying that it’s your fault at all. But there is something about this woman that let’s him have the space to say what he wants - and maybe, just maybe, that’s missing in the relationship he has with you...

I would start the conversation with just that question. "Do you feel like you can talk to me about anything?" "Do you feel like I listen to you" "Do you WANT to talk to me about your thoughts, dreams, hopes..."

Hope this helps...