Pacifier Weaning a 3 1/2 Year Old

I'm kind of with Rachel on this one. I didn't get rid of my paci until I was 4. My daughter didn't get rid of hers until she was 4 and there were a couple of relapses for her... Girls are easier to bribe. At least that's how it has been in my family. My daughter was potty trained in a few days... Barbie bribery.

My daughters teeth are great and she has plenty of room in her mouth. The dentist said there is reason to believe she'll never need braces. She's never had a cavity. The little bit of an overbite they start to get around this age and a paci will go away after about 2 months of not having it.

Maybe HE thought he might be ready too... And found out he wasn't.

I remember we had the same problem with my sis. She went to bed one afternoon with it and then we took it away... told her a doggy came in and took it out in the street... she was a toddler.. she believed it... that's all it took.

M.,
I can really "hear" your struggle between what you "feel" and what others are "telling you" to do.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, a mother of three, I try to remind myself and others that "parenting is an imperfect art". With that said, I also believe that no one knows their child's needs better than a mother.
I have NEVER understood why parents, professionals, friends, etc, rush young children through stages before they are emotionally ready. No matter what you do, I don't imagine your son will be going off to college with a pacifier in his mouth!
The fact that your son has been screaming and crying for his pacifier shows that he is not yet emotionally ready to transition away from his pacifier. It makes no sense to me to "force the issue"!
I also see that you "felt awful"...this is another indication of your "inner mother wisdom".
If the motivation to have him stop is what others "say or think" about his using his paciifer for comfort...I believe that is something to quickly get over...Many children "need" the comfort of sucking....until they need it no longer....
There is quite a difference between the struggle of intellectual opinions regarding childrearing issues and hearfelt wisdom specific to individual children....TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR FEELINGS!!!
I work with children and adults who are often dealing with issues related to their deeper emotional needs not being met in childhood...These unmet needs make it difficult for them to know how to meet their own emotional needs later. I have NEVER had a client say that their parents were neglegent in letting him/her have their pacifier for too many years....
In support of your inner emotional wisdom,
L. Taylor, LMFT (and mother of 3-2 adults and one teen)
BTW- I sucked my thumb until I was eleven years old and going off to an overnight camp..I was embarrassed so i stopped cold turkey. AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MY FAMILY TO NOT NEED BRACES!!!!

Most kids will have one comfort item and you took his away. Some kids suck a their thumbs, some a need a certain blankie or stuffed animal and others are attached to a pacifier. If your son HAD to have a certain blanket to fall asleep at 3 1/2 you wouldn't just take it from him same thing w/ the pacifier. I don't care if people say it will cause your child to need braces (I think thats bullcrap) my oldest never sucked his thumb or a pacifier and guess what he needs....BRACES. Have you offered other security objects? Of course he went to bed fine before because he had now its gone and he needs you. I really don't think it would harm him to give it back its not like he will go to college with it.

I only glanced through the other responses, but my son finally gave up his pacifier at 3 1/2. It was a battle that I didn't want, and I had to be honest with myself: what was the big deal when he only had it to sleep? He gave up naps at age 2, and he never tried to take it out of his bed, so that wasn't an issue. I tried to push giving up the pacifier, and I tried pushing potty training, both with no success. He potty-trained in one day, and he gave up the pacifier when the dentist told him it was time. I know that it might have just been coincidence that they both happened so easily, but honestly, what's the harm? His dentist said that it doesn't really start affecting things until the child is about 4, and I don't recall ever seeing a 10yo with a pacifier.

I don't agree with taking something so loved away from a child just because *I* feel it's time (or someone else). Like your son, mine never really had anything else he wanted to sleep with as much as his beloved "bebe." You have to do what's right for you & your family, and if giving his pacifier back to him for now will allow the family to get some sleep, then give it back. If you'd rather stay the course and hope that within the next couple weeks or months that he'll finally be ok with not having it, then don't give it back. But ask yourself: why is this so important to me?

Hi there, Don't take this answer wrong, I am not telling you to give it back or not...just telling you my experience. My son would not take a pacifier and sucked his thumb. His teeth are so messed up because of it and he continues to suck his thumb into adult hood. The orthodontist even put in an appliance to help him stop. I just wished he would have taken a pacifier. I have another son that did take one and gave it up when he was ready. He is 24 & has never asked for it again. I feel for you. Good Luck with your decisions.
BTW I love what Laura T & Lee P said. We in society worry too much about what other people think. I would rather pay for braces than psyche care. Just my opinion.

M.,
If this is only for him to sleep at night with, if I was in your shoes I would give it to him. As long as during the daytime he doesn't use it, he'll eventually give it up. It's better for him to suck from a pacifier, than finding comfort in his thumb. Some may disagree with me, but I pick my battles and this one is not one that I would fight back at.
You can also try laying down with him and talking to him to see if he is willing to switch the pacifier for something else. Tell him you'll let him sleep with any other thing he may pick, and see how that works.
Blessings

You're going to get a lot of contrasting opinions on this.

I posted a question about taking my son's binky away (at 4 - so I can relate), and one mom, in her infinitely wise post, said this in reference to her struggle with taking her 3 year old daughter's paci away:

"I talked to her pediatric dentist about it when she was 3 and he said, 'Teeth are easier to fix than psyches' and I'm so grateful for that."

And I was grateful for it too. There are far worse things in the world than letting a child have a paci for sleep. Let yourself off the hook. And let him have his comfort.

My humble opinion.

I totally agree with what a few others have said. Every child is his/her own person and there are no real standards. Don't worry about what people think and try to wean him slowly but lovingly. If you can replace it with a Blankie-a cut piece of a nice blanket with texture or a towel etc. My son didn't potty train until 3 1/2 and when he did it was all o.k. He potty trained himself within about 2 weeks. All of that pushing was for nothing. When he was ready, he was ready.

If you give in now he will learn that if he cries and misbehaves he can get what he wants. He is old enough to understand that no means no and bed time is bed time. If he is misbehaving and not going to sleep, put him in time out. You are in control, not him.

I am in the process of weaning my 2 1/2 year old from his paci. I took a different approach and actually started to snip the actual plastic part which made it "broken"...although he still loved it. So I snipped and snipped and snipped...it is now just the hard outter part and a nub so small that it isn't possible to hold in your mouth. He still wants to know it's in his bed when he goes to sleep, but holds it now or has it close to his face...I have even caught him with his face PRESSED into the mattress with it prssed against his lips...but I'm not worried anymore about teeth issues (he was developing an open bite)..and he still feels comfortable because even though paci is broken, its still a comfort to know it's there. Maybe you could try that since he doesn't have another comfy object for him? just explain you found it, but it's broken..he can hold it if he wants to??

just a thought.
Good luck
K.

Ohhh we have so been there! We decided when our daughter was 2.5 that it was time for her soother to go. I spent a few days talking to her about it, and explained that if she wanted a big girl tricycle (which was already in the plans, not a bribe, just a matter of timing and reward) she had to throw away her soother. Then we went around and collected them all, threw them in the garbage, took the garbage to the curb and went to buy her tricycle.

We had about a week of rough nights, but she was so proud of herself for throwing it away and getting something "big girl" she quickly got over it. I spent a week sleep training her, I stayed in her room the first few nights, slowly moving to the door. My theory was the soother was her comfort, since I removed one comfort I'd give her one and train her to understand that she didn't need it to be safe. After the first two nights the crying was only a request and then she'd settle, by the 4th night I was in the hall promising not to leave until she was asleep and I didn't. By 1 week she was there. She also had a stuffed animal that was her buddy from then on and over a year later is still her sleep pal.

So my suggestion is give him an incentive to throw away any of the soothers left at home. Once he does, give him the reward, again I don't believe it's a bribe but a reward for doing something emotionally difficult for him. Then if you need to sleep train him. He's 3.5 and big enough to understand when you talk to him about the soother, use things like "you such a big boy now! I can't believe you're so big that you don't need a soother and you can (fill in the blank - clear the table, dress yourself, whatever it is he's proud of), it's ok to be sad you don't have a soother but it means that you're growing up into a man like Daddy etc. I personally always caution against saying, "your not a baby any more" because it's ok for them to want to be your baby and being a baby isn't a bad thing, we just put focus on how awesome it is to get bigger and all the great things you can do when you're bigger.

I wish I had a super human answer for you, but I don't. We all wing it with our kids, doing our very best. Just remember you'll figure this out and he won't be sucking it at 16 and no matter what he'll learn to sleep and he'll always love you.

Not that this isn't long enough, but one more thing. I'd really be careful not to give the soother back to him. It will only show him you don't mean what you say and that crying, even if it's from sadness not temper can get mommy to give in. You don't have to be mean but be firm and mean what you say :)

Good luck let us know how it goes

This worked great for my daughter. Once my daughter turned 3 I told her that she only had one pacifier left. Every day ot two I would cut a small piece off the top of the pacifier. She would say it was broken and throw it away but then decide that she still needed and take it back and suck on it. Pretty soon there was only a small piece of the rubber left and the pacifier would fall out when she slept. Soon she was use to not having a pacifier in her mouth and threw it away for good.

I have been weaning my 3 1/2 from his thumb - Yeah, no hiding that booger. After a great conversation with my sister who pointed out, he is going to need a lot more love and attention w/o it, I resigned myself to basically sleep training him all over again sans the sucking. If that meant a week of falling asleep with him, a week next to the bed, followed by a week sitting by the door, I was prepared for it.
FYI: I am in week one of this process and on day three he is no longer trying to "sneak" his thumb into his mouth!
Only to say, I don't think it will cause any long-term issues (do you remember what happend when you were three?!) and kuddos to you for recognizing the importance of letting your little boy grow up:)
Hang in there, but I do agree, like potty training it is something you have to be committed to.
Best of luck!

I wouldn't give it back to him. He had it for so long though. What about a sippy cup of water to take into bed?
As for the cars in bed--I'd roll with that idea! Line up a few of his faves in his bed and tell him that these cars are going to keep him company b/c he misses his paci.
I used to marvel at the fact that my son could sleep with cars in his bed and never minded the little lumps! :-)

Hindsight is 20/20 on everything with parenting :). He won't go to school with it, but I would not give it back to him. He is way too old to be using that for comfort. Maybe take him to the store and let him pick a new bed time book, or a new toy that he can take to bed...something else to comfort him. Tell him that "big boys" dont use them and make sure he sees other little guys using them out in public, and he is not a baby. Is he potty trained? If so, tell him that he is 100% a big boy and cant go back to baby things. I feel for parents that have a hard time getting rid of it, only because my boys were oh so kind and only fussed a little. I can't imagine this battle. But I think if you give it back, you're only going to have more trouble later on. Good luck!

We tried weaning my son @ 27 mths from his binkie. He just went to the dentist and my hubby said they said it was time to take it away. When I asked our pediatrician he said in all reality they have found that using the pacifier really doesn't cause teeth or mouth deformities until after the age of 4. He told us if we aren't bothered by the comments we'll get then don't worry about it.

I went ahead and thought I'd give it a shot. No problems at all at night. He went to bed just like he normally did. Nap time was a different story. It was insane. I went two months with the kid not taking naps. I understood it would take time for him to get use to it but months. And the kid was horribly cranky..everything set him off. Ugg :( Every mom told me not to give in.

Well you know what with a 6 month old at home as well..I said forget it and gave him back his binky just for naps and he has been perfectly fine with it. Back to his angelic self (well as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old). And he LOVES taking his naps. And so do I, there is nothing like a 2-3 hr break for a sleep deprived momma.

i say you know your son the best. Do what you think is best, even if it means giving back his beloved paci...its only at night I don't see a problem with it at all IMHO.

Your being played. You need to "mom up" and let him scream. He will eventually stop because he will get tired of it. At 3 1/2, he KNOWS how to get you to do what he wants and that is what he is doing. Put him to bed, close the door and put in some earplugs.

Maybe show him he can use his thumb instead. That way when he is busy during the day, he won't be able to suck on it.