Overwhelmed - Alamogordo,NM

Hi J.,
Don't be so hard on yourself. I felt the same way last year when I was pregnant with my third. It will all come together. As far as the potty training, I know you want to have that done by the time the new one gets here but that just may be too stressful on all of you. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you, but the house may just have to get a little messy once in awhile so you and the kids can keep your sanity.
You sound like you have your act together to me, playing with your kids is way more important than getting your dishes done in my book anyday!!! Good luck and I think the third pregnancy makes you way more tired than you've ever been in your life! LOL

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, so i'm not the only one!
i'll give you the advice i try to give myself. it's a transition, give yourself the space to not have it all together, all under control. Focus on the beauty and be grateful that you get to watch your children grow and be such an integral part of their lives. That doesn't mean give up on finding a good routine, or organizational skills, just try and be patient. Your children will be fine, they just love having you near them.
On a practical note, you may want to look into the "flylady". She has a website a tips on how to not spend your whole day cleaning, but still keep a tidy home.
Good luck!
i've got a family of four kids, well five if you count my husband, so i'm right there with you!

hello, it hurts my feelings to hear what you are going thru. What kind of help do you need or want? i live in Q.C. maybe i can help you get some organization in your life. i am a mom of three. Two girls and one boy, yes it is hard but you can do it you just need a plan and stick to it.Don't worry you and your children will be just fine just do the best that you can and pray....

J. all you need is to r ember to have fun !yes i know how
can house work,potty training ,cooking bla,bla bla, i raised three as a single parent two 16months apart.one thing get use to no help from hubby,try and have fun with everything you do
i know you are saying this lady is nuts ,no i am not ok i got there years ago,lol so dishes for get that paper plates ,finger food you can still give kids heathly but easy .example
pack a pick nick ,and you don't even need a lot. veggies, fruit,crackers ,and all you need is a zip lock or small bowl
with lid ,'not much to wash there ' peanut butter and or jelly
take a blanket and go to the park or you are tired don't feel like going out. there is alway a pick nick in the living room , new skills are great for kids you said you have to play ball when you take the kids to the park ,try this make a game out of who can pick there toys ,or who can help put dished away (plastic only)anyway i am now 44 all my kids are grown and now taking care of my grandson he is 2 ,my daughter said she was having a problem with him taking things out of the kitchen,one you need to make the child think that they can help even at two so i rearanged what was in cabnets below and one side of kitchen i put all plastic ,bowls lids things like that so now when i am drying the dishes he has his dish cloth drys and puts the things away the point being it may take 10 more minutes this way but you are teaching ,and spending time with the child
and in stead of you getting upset caz there under foot trying to get all this done ,you get it done faster and they are helping my grandson will copy how i dry and put away , and that makes them feel great!any if you don't get stuff done in your home who cares it's not going anywere
it will be there tomorrow,

For what it's worth, everyone with more than one kid feels like you do, or else they have a mental disorder, or else they are a total liar. Don't worry, your kids will be fine. Our mothers and their mothers and their mothers all felt overwhelmed - the difference is that they weren't living in a culture that made them feel like negligant parents if they weren't baking cookies and going to the park and creating innovative craft projects every day for their kids. I will say it helped me a lot to create a time chart (just mentally!) for certain activities that have to happen every day (mostly just our nightime ritual, ie dinner at 6:00, bath at 6:30, then lotion/PJs/brishing teeth, 20 minute video, then books and bed with lights out at 8:30). I felt that time of day was hardest for me so it helps to have a routine where I can go just go into autopilot. Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself!

Hi Jennifer. Sorry to hear about your stress. I would recommend you consider hiring someone to help w/ the house chores - once or maybe more a week, even just temporarily, so that you can have a break and spend your valuable time where you really want to spend it. Most people would say this would be financially impossible, but honestly, look at the little things a family spends money on during the month (eating out, small luxuries, entertainment, maybe even cable, etc).

It's hard to imagine making cuts in some areas or admitting that you need additional help around the house, but really, what's more important - your kids' futures and your mental health or those extra luxuries for a few months?

I so relate to your feelings of overwhelm. There has been more than enough times where I have thought "What was I thinking?" I love my girls but I feel just like you do sometimes. I can't think straight, right when I get into doing something and focused, I'm interrupted. I feel like I have to rush and get everything done. I'm always rushing, even if there's nothing to rush over. I have become obsessed with cleaning. I have to watch it carefully because I don't want my kids to think that THEY are dirty. But I think it's a form of control because I feel my life is so out of control. Being outer directed ALL THE TIME is so hard. I can't remember when I got to take a deep breath and relax. This morning I did some yoga and meditation and it was great. Just the quiet. I love the quiet. My eight year old is in school now, of course and my two and a half year old got into a place in Santa Fe on St. Michaels called Kids Choice. They take 2 year olds, she didn't have to be potty trained and I was thrilled. I needed to get my life back. So now I can have some time to play guitar, do meditation and get a piece of me back. See if you can take that time. Can you send your kids to a daycare setting, even for a few hours. My two year old goes from 8 am -3 pm Monday through Friday and it's a lifesaver for me.

Also I wanted to share with you that I struggled with depression as a teenager, had postpartum depression following the birth of both of my kids. And I'm finally getting clear about one thing: I have to take care of me as much as I take care of my kids. Otherwise I feel like I am going to crack up. Getting out with a friend, going for coffee, taking guitar lessons. All of this I do on a regular basis. Because I can't afford to lose myself raising my kids. I can't afford to lose my love of playing guitar and just be a stay at home mom. I thought that's what I wanted, but it's not. And I don't feel guilty about it. Because I am a MUCH better mom when I take care of me.

If you live here in Santa Fe, look into daycare so you can have J. time! By the way, don't worry about potty training. It'll happen when it is supposed to. You don't need anything else on your plate. Be gentle with yourself. You have a little life growing in you that needs serenity.
Hope that helps:)

Jennifer,
What you are going through is very natural. I just went through it not that long ago. By the time I was 28 weeks i was so ready to have my daughter. I am sure you feel tried all the time and nothing you do makes much of a difference. Is there any family that can help with the house work? Or maybe your husband can help with something also. just knowing that someone can help when needed may be all you need

Hi J.,

Wow, I was in a similar situation ten months ago. I had three kids three and under. It's hard and overwhelming but also a lot of fun. I have two boys 4, and 2. and a ten month old girl. I did get my oldest potty trained before the baby but he was 3 1/2 by then. That was a long struggle up to that point. Don't worry if your oldest is not potty trained. Don't rush him, it takes time (I think it's harder with boys also) When I had my daughter I spent the first few days at home freaking out. I never had post partum blues with any of my babies, but after the third I freaked out a little. I would look at her and think what did I get myself into. I think I'm in over my head, how can I do this. The feelings didnt last long (and from what I hear, its normal to feel that way) It's hard to have three babies close together, but it is also amazing. Now that the baby is getting bigger she plays very well with her older brothers. She crawls and follows them all over the house. Believe me the house cleaning is still overwhelming (expecially laundry for five people, I can never seem to stay on top of it, I always end up with huge baskets of unfolded clean laundry) Don't be so hard on yourself!! Get the cleaning done when you can. I actually stay up till like two in the morning a few times a week because at night is the only time I can really give the house a good cleaning, or spend some quiet time with my husband, or read a magazine alone. The next day isnt fun getting up in the morning but hey, I'm still young. You gotta take the time when you can. After you have your baby the first few months will be the hardest. My second child was 14 months when my baby girl was born, that was hard. He didnt understand that she was a fragile little thing. I couldnt wait for her to be stronger. It's really hard taking care of two kids and an infant but once they hit 5-6 months it starts to get easier. They play more together and my oldest watches out for his baby sister. That also gives me more time to get things done. I think the house cleaning part will always be overwhelming (I know it is for me) I just try to do what I can when I can. During naps or when they are all busy, or eating. Just do a little at a time and tackle the big stuff when they are asleep. It seems like I can never get one chore done from start to finish, there are always interuptions. I have just embraced it and sometimes I go to bed with a very messy house. I saw a magnet once it said "A good mom has dirty floors and happy children" Take time for yourself (I don't get much of that either, I'm lucky if I can lock the bathroom door and get a shower every other day without one of the kids screaming by the door the whole time) and take time to play with your kids, they need that. Play games all together, read stories, or just act silly. And they also need one on one time. You don't have to schedule a lot of time with each child. I find like after I change my baby girl sometimes I sit on the floor with her for twenty minutes and play with her or when the younger to are sleeping and my oldest is up I spend time with him doing bigger kid stuff. Just find little moments here and there to spend time with each kid. That's what they need, you don't have to go to the park everyday. We try to go once a week, but life happens you don't always get the chance. The mall is a good place to go with there soft new playlands. They love that. Well anyway, I am going on and on. I just wanted to let you know that it seems like your doing a great job already!!! Being a mom is the hardest job there is (its 24/7, no breaks, no sick days) but its also the most rewarding job there is. Just relax a little, have fun with your boys, they grow up so fast! Don't sweat the small stuff like dirty dishes. You can get to them when you get to them. I promise once the baby is older the three of them will be best friends because their so close and things will get a little easier on you!! :)

Good Luck and Best Wishes!!!
D.

I can imagine how hard it must be to be pregnant and have two babies at home. I think that you are doing wonderful because I just have one and I feel overwhelmed many times just with work, school and my baby. I admire you for having the courage to raise your children and dedicating your life to them. You are probably just going through a rough time. Just remember that it is ok to get help from family and friends to help you take care of your children, even though some times it is hard because you feel like you are the only one that can take good care of your babies, but some times it is healthy for you and for them also because they get to socialize and be more independent.

I hope you feel better!!!!!
Y.

I felt the same way with my 3rd. Everything just seemed to come crashing in on some days. I got to where I didnt want to do a darn thing but sit on the couch because I figures that there is no point in cleaning if its just going to get dirty again. Some days I still feel that way. The last poster mention Flylady! I just dicovered flylady around 6 months ago and LOVE HER.
I strayed from the flylady routine during the holidays but I have been slowly getting back into it. It really is pretty cool. Other than that, just take it day by day and take it easy on yourself, being 28 weeks PG is tiring enough. At least for me it was. Good Luck with the potty training!

Hi J.,
I couldn't help but think of when I was in your same situation a few years back. I had two toddler boys and a girl on the way, and felt completely overwhelmed. I felt like since now I was home all day with the kids, the house should be spotless. That was until I got so down and out about not being able to keep up with everything that I finally broke down. My friend was there for me and she snapped me out of my need for everything to be perfect. So instead of trying to make the boys conform to my schedule (which never went as planned anyways) I started working around their needs. I did the things that need the least attention during the day, laundry, loaded the dishwasher, vacumming, and did the major cleaning on the weekend when my husband was home. I'm not saying everything always went as planned, because with toddlers thats impossible. But I gave myself a break and stopped having so many expectations for myself. If you can't get something done, you just got learn to let it go until you can get to it. I hope this is helpful and wish you the best of luck.

Jennifer,

RELAX! I know it is overwhelming, but the most important thing, is to spend time with your kids. Leave the chores, for a later time, such as naptime. Just relax and have fun with the kiddos and do the chores while they are napping, or playing on their own. That is my suggesstion!

L. R.

Don't think you are not organized enough. Being pregnant is hard enough without two other little tikes in the house and vice versa. I feel overwhelmed sometimes with just one 10 month old and chores! Just think, this is really the first time in history that women are left alone, without aunts, sisters, cousins, mothers, to help and support eachother. It is also hard to go from a prestigious position in society to one that is so often undervalued, being a mother.

If you have the means, you can try hiring a sitter for just a few hours a week to get caught up on chores. Do not let dust control you! The mess may compound itself, but it won't go anywhere. Set limits on how much you are going to clean.
On another note, potty training is very difficult and should not be rushed. I have experience with my little brother and sister and boys seem to take a little longer.

All the best.
J. in phoenix

I don't really have any advice, but just some sympathy and maybe a little comfort. I just had my third child in Oct. Although my oldest is four, and my middle turned two in Dec. So, I'm about to start the potty training on my Second. I had a really hard time on my third pregnacy. My Second daughter is a very difficult child (she is harder then the new baby) and there were many times I just didn't want to hold her or clean. There were times I didn't have enough energy to leave the house. My house is never ready for unexpected company. I'm not a clean person, or an organized person. My four year old goes to preschool for 2-1/2 hrs in the morning now. While sometimes we are rushing off in our pjs to make it to school. In gerneral it has forced me to be a little more routine and it actually helps my sanity. As far as going to the park or something, I totally understand. We to something with a group of moms every friday, and while it does make me a little behind it refreshes me and gives me a little more sanity. You are not alone in thinking you aren't cut out for this. Some days I feel like I'm the worst mom in the world. But when I'm feeling really bad I stop what I'm doing and sit down with my kids and play with them (or just watch them play). It reminds me why I wanted to be a mom and I feel a lot better. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Just know you are not alone!

HI J.,
I know i felt overwhelmed at first too when I was pregnant with my youngest son and was trying to work full time, raise my now 8 year old who was 6 then, clean the house, do the dishes, cook the dinner, wash the cloths, help my son with homework, and then start all over the next day. I found that everything doesn't have to be done that day. you can split it up into every other day or every weekend, depending on the task of course. I started buying paper plates, plastic forks/spoons/knifes & plastic cups which can all be thrown away and there is no clean up other than the dishes you used to make the food in. I also usually cook for the a couple of days at a time and sometimes a week and either refrigerate or freeze the food depends on what I make. I washed cloths only once during the week and once during the weekend. I also set up a calendar for me of things to do list, and put everything on it and only had 1-3 things a day outside of a normal day at taking care of children. My youngest son is now 21 months and I run an in home daycare now, and I am not over whelmed anymore even with adding 5 additional children into my daily routine. I find it fun and exciting. My daily chores have increased since I have to clean every night after all the children leave and my children are in bed so that my house is ready for the children the next day. I still however find time to watch movies with my fiance and do the laundry, etc. Once you find your comfort zone and you have your baby you will not feel so overwhelmed, everything will run in order for the most part. For potty training, one of my parents has bought a kitchen time and sets it for an hour and we have taught the child that when that time goes off it's time to go to the potty, if she goes then she gets to choose from a small piece of candy or stickers, amazingly enough she has only wanted the stickers. This might help you fit potty training into your schedule. Hope this helps and gives you some encouragement. Good luck and congrats on your new addition to your family.

S.

Hi J.,
My name is J. (Jennifer) and I can relate to your dilemma. I have two children and have been contemplating having a third, but sometimes just thinking about it, I don't feel I could handle it. My kids are 2-1/2 (my son, Jaden) and my daughter, Jamey, is 15 months old. I work full-time and struggle with keeping the house clean, working, and most of all, the guilt of not spending enough time with my kids. I'm actually in the process of looking for part-time or night work so I can be with my kids during the day. I have done a lot of googling about having a third and many, many people say it feels overwhelming at times, but then, it also seems to be easier. I've read and heard that most people stress over thinking about it than it actually is. I don't think anyone every really "gets the hang of things." If they do, they're lying. I, too, get super, super exhausted cleaning the house, getting things in order, while my kids go and turn everything over the minute I clean it. It's endless. But even though I have an obsessive/compulsive personality, I try to just take a step back and look at what beautiful people I've been blessed with. Love and laughter is what it's all about. I've learned (a little bit anyway) to let our leather sofa get trashed and have the floors dirty. I think women worry so much more than men about these things. Anyway, being that I do work outside the home (I'm not sure if you do) but every second I'm away from the kids, from the chaos and even the cleaning and screaming, I miss it. I miss it like i've never missed anything in my life. So cherish your chaos is my advise and don't worry. The third will add work, but he/she will add even more love!!
J.

J.,
The comment right before mine, about hiring some help to clean your house? TOTALLY WORTH IT. It sounds like such a frivolous luxury, but I'm telling you...once every two weeks is not as expensive as you think and it makes the biggest difference. I felt the same way (and I only have one...imagine my feelings of inadequacy!) and couldnt put a finger on what was making me feel so overwhelmed. When the whole maid service was mentioned, I brushed it off for months because I was convinced that my problems were so massive and all-encompassing, that little thing would never help. Girl, I was LYING to myself! Its so great! Hope you do it soon!

I am a total OCD when it comes to the house...I now have 3 children, ages 4 (will be 5 in may), 2 (will be 3 in March) and my son just turned 1 on Dec.22nd...I have learned that the house can wait!! It was sooo hard for me, I can't stand for someone to show up and there be a dirty plate in the sink...I am learning to not worry about the house as much as I have in the past! If it wasn't for my husband straightening up his act...I would loose my mind. I work full time, have 3 kids, 3 dogs and one of which just had 9 puppies- 6 weeks ago....there's not much anyone can say...just take it easy, enjoy the children while you can!

I only have 1 kid and no military training and I feel like this on a regular basis. I wish the house could be in order at all times and I have a real hard time with the kitchen when it is dirty. That I have gotten to the point where I don't want to cook a meal and make a complete mess. I don't know why it is this way. But, ultimately I am tired all the time and I know I should stop worrying. I don't have any advise; but thought I would let you know I had the same feelings. Just know there are so many of us like this.

Your request made me smile--we've all felt that way. It's okay to feel that way but it can be exhausting if you always feel overwhelmed. I'm sure some of it has to do with hormones and lower energy levels due to pregnancy.

At any rate, know that you're not alone and that your kids probably won't be serial killers! :) But I have found www.flylady.net to be a very helpful website that has helped me become more organized and make housecleaning more manageable by breaking things down into babysteps. And it's not just about housecleaning--it's a whole mentality of peace that flylady tries to impart. Get rid of the chaos and clutter and perfection and enjoy peace and simplicity instead. Good luck! Havimg your husband help out a lot can probably also reduce your stress. Maybe he can bathe the boys for you at night or something. You have your hands full with 3 small children so close in age.

I just realized the other posters already mentioned Flylady too. I'm glad I'm not the only one she's helped! And I really liked what the first poster had to say about recognizing this is a transition period. Like when you have the infant for a couple months things just revolve around the baby's schedule of naps and feedings and your normal schedule is put on hold for a while (but I would recommend that you keep some semblance of a routine for your own benefit). But it's nice because after that initial transition period you can start to get some of your old routines back in place. I'm pregnant also and I'm just preparing for that period, knowing that I won't be cooking dinner or exercising much or keeping the house as clean, but it will pass after the baby is a little needy.

Hi J.,
Let the whole potty training thing go. For boys, they are typically later. My son was not fully potty trained until way past 3 and 1/2. IT's okay. That is just one more stress for you. Also, try to reduce some chores by making it easy for yourself. For example, the dishes. Use cheap paper plates. I did it with every birth (I've had 3). Still doing it sometimes. Just scrape and recycle. There will be hardly any dishes in the sink. Can do that with cups too! Another easy meal idea (I did this whenever hubby was out of town)is to get the cheap .99 frozen dinners. I just have the kids choose one and that would be their dinner. For breakfast, make it easy with cereal in paper bowls and plastic spoons. Lunch can be easy sandwiches. Just fill them with lots of yogurt and cut up fruits too. Don't stress too much and take care of yourself. GOod luck!

J., potty training in and of itself can be overwhelming (my son wasn't fully potty trained until he was four). I have a 6 yr. old boy in the First grade and I am pregnant (20 weeks tomorrow) with my second child, and I find that nowadays, I lack the energy that you speak of. I despise doing household chores now (something I actually enjoyed before). I work as a legal assistant full-time, and when I come home, I just want to lay on the couch. I think maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself - your house doesn't HAVE to be spotless every day. Give yourself some "me" time - maybe get a babysitter and get a facial or something or just drive somewhere, sit in your car and enjoy some quiet. If you can afford it, hire a housecleaning service so that you don't have to worry about the household cleaning AND you can spend time with your children.

I have a one and almost three year old and I can really empathize with you some days I feel like I'll loose it but I have found that if I start the morning off by getting up just 15 or 20 minutes before the kids do I can relax for that time and get ready for the day I also make my two year old feel like he's trying to teach my younger soon to go in the potty and so far it seems to be working another new thing Ive started is a me journal and it helps get out all the things I think but wouldn't dream of telling anyone. Good luck and remember we all feel overwhelmed it'll pass.

Here is just a few organizational tips. Use only paper plates and plastic silverware and paper towels to wipe up spills etc. It really cuts down on the dishes and you will have more free time with your kids. If you have trouble getting the laundry done, have your kids wear the same outfit to play outside for two or three days. When you go somewhere change their clothes, but only if you have to. Keep plastic containers on the kitchen table, for all those loose items that seem to gather on the table or counters. When they get full have the kids help you put them away, make it fun and they will be willing to help! I also keep a large basket in the living room for everyone's shoes. The kids know that shoes go in the basket and as soon as they take them off, they go in the basket. We also keep a small toy box in the living room and the kids like to make 'baskets' into it and see who scores the most points. One more suggestion on the potty training issue. The more you push, the more he will resist. Put underwear on him and tell him that you can't buy diapers anymore. He will eventually get the hang of potty training whether it is before or after the baby. Don't stress because he will pick up on that. When your kids ask for you to sit and play with them-do! If you have an extra fifteen minutes take them to the park, if not, there's always another day. Keep yourself healthy and happy and your kids will follow suit!
One more time saving technique. Take a shower with your kids. It saves a lot of time, as well as, water. My husband and I own our own business, so I am always busy with the kids or the buiness. I use these techniques and they seem to work really well. Good Luck and God Bless!

The thing you really need to remember is that the only things that are really important is you and the kids---NOT the house and the cleaning! That will always be there and is not top priority. Taking care of yoursel comes first cause if your not together and taken care of, you will not be able to take care of anyone else. Then the kids because that should always be your main concern. I used to be just like you, and I missed out on so much. Keep your priorities in line, chores do NOT NEED to be done every single day!!! Its no big deal, relax---take a breath. LIVE a little, enjoy today---tommorow may never come

Hi Jennifer,

Believe me, every new mother feels that way, and as much as we all love our kids, third trimester can really suck. I got some great advice about the housework when I was in your boat--no one will look back on thier lives on thier death bed and wish they had kept a cleaner house!! All you will remember is how much you love the kids. Paper plates and plastic cutlery are really worth the money. I advise you to spend as little time as you can on the housework--the kids won't care, you need the extra sleep, and in my experience as the mother of ex-toddlers the place will never really be clean no matter how hard you work on it. Live and let live, and you will feel a lot happier.

Good luck!

Well I can see why you would be overwhelmed.
I am trying to potty train my three year old and have been unsuccessful for quit some time now. I really wouldn't stress about the whole potty ntraining issue kids do it when they want to. I have never heard of a seventeen year old still wearing diapers unless there some other underlining issue. I have learned to relax a little bit with my daughters potty training issue and just putting her in regular underware has helped a lot!!! I know it can be a big mess sometimes but she has really come a long way since I started doing that. She also likes it when I set the timmer on the stove. When it goes off she gets excited and tells me its time to go. Good luck
H.

i glad to hear that im not the only one going though this. i have a 3 year and a 9 month old. and a thrid kid is due in may. so i kind of know what you are going throught. im not really sure how to help. but if it helps i know how you feel. my samantha is not doing at potty training.

I can understand how you feel. It can be very frustrating trying to manage everything and still feel like a normal person. Do you have any close family or friends that would be willing to come help you watch the kids so you can take care of yourself a little? Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's the best thing you could do for yourself.
As far manageing the house chores. You don't have to clean everyday. Do the cleaning when the kids are asleep or take time for you. To help minimize clean up there are things you can do to make it easier. Such as putting the dishes immediatley to the dishwasher, put dirty clothes in the washer so it doesn't build up, and save the more detailed work for another day when your husband can distract the kids. Most important are your kids. Don't feel like because your baby is coming that you have to potty train him right away. This can lead to your child feeling frustrated and rushed. Something like potty training takes time and patience. You can encourage it but don't rush him into something that big, just so it will make your life easier. And finally, if you can comand sailers you can command kids. The problem is you don't want to. Raising kids should not be a chore...it should be fun and meaningful. You have to change your mindset. You have to want to do things, in order to be good at them. Your kids are so important and if you take the time to cherish this time with them and figure out a system to get the little things in life done...the happier you'll be. Good Luck