Overnights with Divorce for a 3 Yr Old

I have been through the exact situation and I found out that you have no say, especially if he is all ready living with the woman, in what your ex does. If you go that route you are going to be seen as petty, jealous, and trying to control his life. It will develop resentment which will flow over to his relationship with your son. My ex had an affair with a woman and I was really hurt and angry. He moved in with her and they have been living together for 5 years now. I chose not to introduce my children to anyone I was dating and I only dated when my children were at their dad's house. They finally met my new husband when he proposed. I told my fiance that I would have to see how he did around my kids for a couple of weeks before I said yes. My ex and I both had the best interest of our child in mind but his ideas of best interest are just different, not dangerous, for the kids. For example I think that my daughter should not wear a 2-piece swimsuit, he thinks that I am overprotective, but if I bought the swimsuit he would not argue with me on it. The kids eat mostly fast food and junk while at his house, after the first year they started asking him if they could have some good food. You can influence your child when they are at your house (mom and dad have different rules, but you have to follow the rules at mom's house when at mom's house) and as they have grown older they see the differences in our lifestyles and now understand which one is healthier. My ex and I are really good friends and we go to all of our kids programs together, my ex, his girlfriend, my husband and I. All my kids see is four people who love them and they feel really lucky.

PS. One thing I would recommend that you add to the divorce agreement is that one parent (and their extended family) can never say negative things about the other parent even when the kids are not around. My husband had to sit down with his family and tell them that they were not allowed to say anything bad about me, ever, even when my children were not there. Because if they did it when my children were not around, they might slip and do it in front of the children. They were told that they would not be able to see the kids if this happened. They decided that they would never mention my name (YAY) and that if the kids brought me up that they would go "OK" and move on. There is nothing more damaging to a child than to hear one of their parents being bashed by the other parent or family members. That child is 1/2 that parent and if they constantly hear negative things about the parent they will think that there is something wrong with them personally. Also never contradict the other parent, you can say those are daddy's rules and these are my rules or I will talk to daddy and find out why he made that rule, but if you are constantly saying that the other parent is wrong you will have a power struggle on you hands and when he gets older he will use you to play off each other for what he wants. Pick your battles carefully, if it does not matter in the big scheme of things let it ride. If you disagree, discuss it with the other parent when the child is not around (out of the house). You never know you might end up saying "You know daddy has a good idea on that one I think we should follow it as well."

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I would say she has to be out of it all together.
It sounds like she has been the problem all a along.
If daddy cares he will agree with this.
D.

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Agree! I think it's honorable that you two are focusing on the best interest of your son and not bashing each other. I personally think it would be best if the lady isn't around your child until they are near marriage but that's not the case unless they are willing to stop what they are currently doing. I also agree it's a good idea that they do not sleep in the same room while your son is there.

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When we were separated and going for a divorce, my now ex put in our divorce that there would be no cohabitation when the kids were at either house. He thought I was having an affair. When He started dating, his "friend" would spend the night when the boys were there. I reminded him of the no cohabitation or overnights clause in our divorce. After the fact and my boys are grown now, I am really glad it was in there. Even at three they are more aware than most parents think. I would encourage you to talk to him, then talk to your lawyer about putting that kind of clause in there. If you can stay on a positive relationship with your ex it will help too. We lived a block away from each other and the boys went back and forth. This is just my opinion, but a more stable divorce works at least it worked for us. My ex and I are good friends now looking at weddings for the kids and already am talking to his new wife about wedding showers, flowers, etc.

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I think you are right about your son not getting involved in dating relationships until it's stable (like talking marriage or something close to that). I think you and your husband need to keep a good relationship for your son. It sounds like you all might be on the right track and he needs his daddy time. If he can get daddy and mommy together at sometimes like the park or birthday parties etc thats great. To have daddy spend the night with him and mommy may give your son the wrong idea. He may think that mommy and daddy are going to be together- no matter how much you tell him otherwise.

Hi there,

My advice is this, and take it with a grain of salt if you will, but your son needs to get use to the idea of his daddy being with another woman besides mommy. It would certainly need to be one of those things that is not thrown in his face, but seeing your soon to be ex being affectionate with another woman may ease the transition even more with this whole divorce process. I know it may be difficult for you to see your ex with another woman as well. So it may be a combination of you dealing with it as well as your son. And if things don't work out with the two of them, your son will get over it--don't worry about that part.

Sorry your marriage didn't work out....divorce is never a pleasant experience, even if it is for the better.

B.

You really have absolutely no say in who your EX brings around your child. I know not what you want to hear. Unless your ex has a different woman around your son every other week you have no say. That was the hardest thing for me to accept when I broke it off with my daughter's dad. Mostly out of jealousy. The hardest thing for me to learn when my ex and I broke up was I had NO control and very very little say in what happend when he had our daughter at his house. I couldn't say anything unless it was downright wrong, illegal or harmful to my daughter. I nagged and nagged and nagged at him and when my daughter was 4 years old he said he was done. He couldn't do it anymore. Now he hasn't seen my daughter in 2.5 years. I was so pushy and naggy about how things were to be done when he had her I drove him out of the picture. He had regular visits with her as a infant/baby and then started overnights sometime after 15mos.old all the way to 4 years old. I didn't like the way he took care of my princess and was jealous. I should have kept my mouth shut.

When introducing your son to dad's new signifigant other when he's in a serious relationship is definately important. I'd say if they are living together they are serious enough for your son to be introduced and to be around her.

I've been a single mom and have introduced my daughter to a few of the men I date when things are serious for that if after a few dates I really like them. I like to see how they interact with my daughter anyways. It would be nearly impossible for me to keep my daughter away from my dates until I was ready to remarry. My daughter has gotten to know a few of my boyfriends and was just fine when I no longer dated them. She's NEVER missed a single one of my ex boyfriends.

People come and go. Your son will need to learn that in life and it will happen. He will always be meeting people, have some sort of attachment/relationship and then never see the people again or lose contact. It's a part of life. Think about all the friends he will make in his lifetime, all the teachers he will have, he will create a relationship with everyone of them and will also lose a relationship with 98% of them.

My parents divorced when I was 5. They each dated had signifigant other's move in. They slept in the same beds.The both had several breakups, several marriages etc. I never thought anything of it, it never bothered me and hasn't effected me.

Been there. In our case my ex and I went to the same church for the sake of the kids and we had a sit down with the pastor where I gave my concerns about my ex introducing the kids to his very new girlfriend. The pastor agreed that it is concerning to get children involved in a new relationship and it is best to leave them out of it until the relationship is well established. I understand the other responses that there is little you can do to 'control' what your ex does, but when your kids are involved you are their mother and you have a right to protect your children. It is not healthy to have other women in and out of their lives(or vise versa) and any parent who has their kids best interest in mind will not put them in that situation. Talk to your ex. You know what is best for your child- if he puts your child first he will not have 'sleepovers' with another woman while your child is around.

I'm sorry but I'm going to say that if you're getting divorced you have no right to be in control of how your ex runs his life. And that includes relationships and his time with his son.

As far as whether other women are around when your son is with his father, that's his father's call, not yours. You should certainly voice your concern to him and if he agrees with you, great. But if he doesn't, you have no right to demand it. You are not the only parent of this child, and unless your ex is not getting custody because he's unfit, you really have no right to exercise complete control over how your son is raised. His father has the right to have input and make decisions, too, and you can't tromp all over his rights because you don't like the way he does things.

Is it better for your son on overnights to not have other women around? Yes, for a number of reasons, but it isn't - and shouldn't - be mandated if your ex doesn't agree to it.

As for loss - I agree with the reply that said kids have to deal with loss all through their lives. Shielding them from reality only makes it harder later on when they experience it.

Just a thought but did you and your husband ever consider counseling??? You should approach him and ask him if he would consider it before you start the divorce proceedings. (I have a friend who has 3 kids and they got a divorce while she was pregnant with the 3rd. He had cheated on her and left her. Now they're back together and in the process of remarring...) If your husband would consider it, I suggest that you find a Christian church that teaches what the bible says about marriage and work that into your counseling. And every day that you wake up, ask yourself how would you treat him if you were still dating? If you remember to do the nice things that you did while your relationship was still new, it will be easier for your husband to stay "in love" with you. And he will also be more thoughtful because it just rubs off. (I know because I've done it with my husband. When I remeber to be as kind as I was at the beginning he is automatically more kind back to me!! You can't be mad or dislike someone who is so considerate and thoughtful torwards you.... Just some food for thought!

As with many others here, I agree (from experience learned the hard way) you have no say in what goes on in your x's home. He does not have to continue with groundings or rewards that you give, nor does he have to inform you of his house rules or goings on just as he does not have a say in any of yours. If your x is willing to sit down and work on a mutual agreement for this, kudos, but don't expect it to last until your son is 18. Your son is too young to expect another person, as well as yourself, to adhere to such a strict agreement on the long term.

Most states now require a class for divorcing parents, if your state does not, ask if one is available and try to get it to be a requirement of the divorce. The class helped me quite a bit in learning how to handle these things, what I can and can't do, and how to help my kids deal with divorce and other issues that will come up sooner or later. (they cover all age groups).

No, it is not good for kids to see a parade of parental partners running through either house but again, you can't control what goes on at his house, only at your own.

Kids are amazingly resilient, especially when they have one parent who consistently provides what is best for their mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The only thing you can do is to talk to your x about it, then let it go and learn how to help your child deal with it as best he can. In the long term, your child will know beyond a shadow of a doubt who has his best interests at heart.